Top 10 Places That Should Be Turned Into Instanced Dungeons In World of Warcraft So Me and My Buddies Can Raid Them

10. White House

9. My apartment - you get extra loot if you take out all my ants.

8. My job - you get extra loot if you take out a particular, snotty little knowitall intern

7. The Bat-Cave

6. Caverns of Time: MC Hammer's Crib

5. Caverns of Time: Hiroshima - shouldn't be too challenging.

4. Scarlet Monastery: The Daycare Wing

3. Bill O'Reilly's Studio

2. Suburban Mall

1. Ronald Reagan's Colon

Top 10 Super-Heroes I Want To Fight

10. Mr. Immortal



Mr. Immortal is the Kenny of Marvel Comics (though he was around long before South Park). His sole super-power is the ability to be killed countless times and always come back (which, if you think about it, is an ability every super-hero enjoys). I'd fight him because he's the only hero I could slaughter without feeling bad about it.

9. Superman



'Cause he's a douche, and with some kryptonite it'd be easy.

8. Wonder Woman



Every American boy's fantasy. I'm not into masochism, but there's no way I'll ever woo her so I'll settle for a pummeling. Maybe I can cop a feel while she's smacking me around or something. She can tie me up, I'll tell her the truth.

7. Batman



"DUDE! I totally got my ass kicked by Batman!"

"AWESOME!"

6. Power Girl



I'd just close my eyes and hope for a bear hug.

5. Hawkeye



'Cause he's a douche.

4. Stuntmaster



Douche.

3. Captain Ultra



Dude, look at him. He's a total douche.

2. Black Canary



I like fishnets.

1. Zatanna



I like fishnets.

Top 10 Super Powers I Want

10. Flight - Gas prices suck. This would help.

9. Kinetic Absorption - Not a real popular power in the comics as far as how much it gets used, but pretty frikkin' cool regardless. The only guy I can think of off the top of my head who has it is the Black King in the Hellfire Club (X-men bad guys). Basically, the more you get punched, the stronger you get. The obvious downside, I guess, is if you feel like being super strong but there's no one around to punch you a lot, you'll have to hire someone to do it, or just jump off a lot of buildings.

8. Shooting Lightning - I AM ZEUS, SHITKNUCKLE! FEEL MY WRATH!

7. Eye Blasts - A very underrated power. Think about it. What do you aim with? Your eyes. So if you shoot beams out of your eyes, how could you ever miss?

6. X-Ray Vision - Yes, for the reason you're thinking of. What am I, a fucking monk?

5. Telekinesis - Just to fuck with people. Just little things. Make them spill their coffee or drop a big stack of papers or nudge them off a subway platform. Nothing big.

4. Time Travel - Just so I can steal people's ideas. Like, when I was in San Diego there was a band with the greatest name - "Run For Your Fucking Life." I want a band with that name, dammit.

3. Invisibility - Yes, for the reason you're thinking of. What am I, a fucking monk?

2. Precognition - I just want to know when people around me are going to die. That way I can borrow their stuff.

1. Translation - There was a guy named Cypher in the New Mutants (teenage X-men, basically) who could speak or understand any language. Cool power to have in real life, kind of useless in a super hero comic. They killed him off. Best thing for him. Anyway, yeah, it would be a cool power to have. I'd want to hang around lots of non-English speakers and see if they're saying bad shit about me. Then fry their asses with my eye lightning.

List SMASH!'s 50th Post Anniversary Special: Top 50 Lists I Will NEVER Write

50. Top 10 Reasons Why My Penis Is Too Small

49. Top 10 Women Who Think My Penis Is Too Small

48. Top 10 Factors Causing My Penis To Be Too Small

46. Top 10 Ways To Describe My Incredibly Small Penis (title doesn't count)

45. Top 10 Women Who Thought My Penis Was Too Small But Enjoyed It Anyway

44. Top 10 Women Who Thought My Penis Was Too Small And, Hence, Did Not Enjoy It

43. Top 10 Women Who Thought My Penis Was Too Small, Enjoyed It Anyway, But Still Didn't Like Me For Some Other Shortcoming

42. Top 10 Women Who Think My Very Tiny Penis is Just The Right Size

41. Top 10 Doctors Who Were Able To Stifle Their Laughter/Tears While Examining My Horribly Small Penis

40. Top 10 Doctors Who Were UNable to Stifle Their Laughter/Tears While Examining My Ridiculously Tiny Penis

39. Top 10 Penises Even Smaller Than Mine

38. Top 10 Penises That Convinced Me Mine Was Too Small

39. Top 10 Smurfs Who Are Larger Than My Penis

38. Top 10 Marsupials Who Are Larger Than My Penis

37. Top 10 Smurfs Whose Penises Are Larger Than My Penis

36. Top 10 Airborne Viruses Whose Penises Dwarf My Own

35. Top 10 Dwarves With Bigger Penises Than Me

34. Top 10 Things I Have Tried To Enlarge My Microscopic Penis

33. Top 10 Horrible Side-Effects From My Attempts to Enlarge My Teeny, Tiny Penis

32. Top 10 Best Comic Books In Which My Ant-Man-Sized Penis Is Featured

31. Top 10 Best Films About My Really, Really Small Penis

30. Top 10 Books About My Really, Really Small Penis

29. Top 10 Television Shows About My Really, Really Small Penis

28. Top 10 Top 10 Lists About My Really, Really Small Penis

27. Why Ninjas Are Better Than My Teeny Tiny Penis

26. Why I Would Rather Play World of Warcraft Than Think About How Unbelievably Non-Big My Penis Is.

25. Top 10 Electrical Sockets My Penis Can Fit In

24. Top 10 Jokes Women Have Made About My Tiny Penis After Sex

23. Top 10 Jokes Women Have Made About My Teeny Penis Before Sex

22. Top 10 Jokes Women Have Made About My Itty Bitty Penis Before What I Assumed Was Sex, But Which Ultimately Proved To Not Be, In Most Likelihood Because of The Aforementioned Little Penis

21. Top 10 Rhymes Children Have Come Up With About My Short Penis

20. Top 10 Rhymes My Mom Came Up With About My Small Penis

19. Top 10 Rhymes T.S. Eliot Would Have Come Up With About My Microscopic Penis If He Had Had The Chance

18. Top 10 Guys I Can Just Tell Have Bigger Penises Than Me Even Though I've Never Actually Seen Their Penises

17. Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Have Sex With Me and My Lawn-Gnome-esque Penis

16. Top 10 Episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer featuring my Less-Than-Substantially-Large Penis

15. Top 10 Reasons Why Zombies Wouldn't Even Bother To Eat My Delicious-Yet-Bite-Sized Penis

14. Top 10 Reasons Why, In The Midst of Writing My 50th Post, I Am Now Worrying That My Readers Will Actually Believe My Penis Is Really Small

13. Top 10 Reasons Why I Suspect I Should Steer Any Potential Sexual Partners Away From My 50th Post

12. Top 10 Reasons Why I'm Seriously Regretting My 50th Post Now

11. Top 10 Reasons Why My Readers Are Wondering Why It Took Me This Long To Regret My 50th Post

10. Top 10 Reasons Why I Will Now Steer My 50th Post In A Different Direction

9. Top 10 Reasons Why I Believe Jesus Is My Personal Savior

8. Top 10 Reasons Why I Love Jazz

7. Top 10 Reasons Why I Hate Sex

6. Top 10 Reasons Why Musical Theatre Makes My Heart Sing

5. Top 10 Reasons Why Cheryl Crow Is My Favorite Singer

4. Top 10 Reasons Why I Believe Masturbation Is Immoral

3. Top 10 Reasons Why I Never Masturbate

2. Top 10 Reasons Why John Grisham Is An AWESOME writer

1. Top 10 Reasons Why I Think Changing The Subject of My 50th Post Was Too Little, Too Late, And Mostly Too Little

Top 10 Reasons Why Batman's War On Crime In Gotham Never Works

10. No Hulk.

9. That whole thing about ordinary criminals refraining from their dastardly deeds for fear of Batman is an urban legend. In reality, they do more crap just so they can get beat up by him. They even have a points system in place. Five points for getting beat up by him, ten points if he hangs you off a roof and interrogates you, and a whopping 50 points if he cums on your face.

8. Because the justice system is weak and ineffectual. And there's only one of him, while criminals run legion.

7. Superman air-shuttles criminals from Metropolis to Gotham just to fuck with him.

6. It's called "Gotham." It pretty much has to have a lot of crime or else they'd have to change the name.

5. Glen Danzig.

4. All the Gotham criminals have figured out that if they want to do bad shit, just do it on Saturday night. No one knows why exactly, but apparently a lot of Gotham clubs host "Gay Night" on Saturdays.

3. Robin lets one out of every two criminals go for job security.

2. Apparently hanging people off rooftops, beating them up, trying to run them over with super-cars, or just chasing them down while dressed up as a bat all count as cruel and unusual punishment.

1. The criminals were ready to quit until the Joker brought back Hawaiian Shirt Friday. Fringe benefits promote retention.

Top 10 Albums I Would Want If I Were Trapped On An Island (provided I had something to listen to them with)

10. Dead City Radio by William Burroughs - Gotta figure that, at least at first, sleeping would be an issue. There probably won't be a bed on the island, blankets, pillows, comforters, or even a night light. While Burroughs' first (as far as I'm aware) spoken word album isn't at all boring, I have found his voice - as long as you don't listen too closely to his words - can have a very relaxing quality. I used to play Dead City Radio in my dorm room in Tampa if I was having trouble sleeping. In fact, this led to a rather awkward moment when a U Tampa security guard and Tampa police officer knocked at my door at 1 am while I was playing William Burroughs (not something you necessarily want law enforcement hearing as they enter your home) because a neighbor of mine suspected I had stolen his CDs (I didn't - he'd heard me playing the score to The Last Temptation of Christ which my roommate had borrowed from his girlfriend, which was one of the CDs he had lost in the burglary - he apparently thought it was a particularly rare album - it isn't).

9. Locust Abortion Technician by The Butthole Surfers - Back in the 1980's before the Butthole Surfers released "Pepper" and kind of became a mix between Reverend Horton Heat and Beck, the Butthole Surfers released albums whose tracks could only be called songs in the sense that they began, ended, and included audio, some of which was created by musical instruments. Locust Abortion Technician is one of the most chaotic examples of this, if not THE most. The album begins with an absurd parody of Black Sabbath's "Sweat Leaf" called "Sweatloaf." Most of the track consists of guitars playing the same few notes of the original Sabbath tune over and over again, with a chorus of studio-fucked-up Gibby Hayneses singing...something. I have no idea. One track, "U.S.S.A" is nothing but a constant heavy metal jug-jug-jug of guitars with Haynes screaming "U.S.S.A!" in the background. Another, "KUNTZ," is a recording of what sounds like an old Japanese song. The singer says something that sounds like "cunts" and the word is pulled out of the original song, warbled, garbled, slowed, sped, and every other thing you could possibly do to audio while incredibly, INCREDIBLY high on something. Locust Abortion Technician would be a necessary addition to my stranded-on-island collection in order to stave off insanity. Whenever I listened to the album as a teenager, it had a strange calming effect. The only explanation I could come up with at the time was that the chaos going on in my mind - from hormones and just generally being a miserable, angsty teen - somehow got transplanted into the music. The album was so loudly chaotic, that the chaos of my mind stepped out and joined the music for a while, allowing me an hour of rest.

8. Antichrist Superstar by Marilyn Manson - I was kind of surprised to find this in my list. I'm not a huge Manson fan, but this album is actually pretty good and would serve an important function on the island. I am guessing that being stranded on an island can bring with it a few anger issues, and hopefully I could use Antichrist Superstar to purge that rage every once in a while. Spend an hour or so imagining, like Manson apparently judging by the lyrics, that I would soon emerge from Hell as a flying worm to wreak vengeance on the world, and then I'd be okay and could get back to looking for coconuts and bashing boars' heads in.

7. Absolute Garbage by Garbage - I don't actually own any Garbage albums, but as I was coming up with candidates for the list, I realized there was one very important need I wasn't thinking of. Namely, if I'm stranded and alone, then there probably won't be very many ladies around, which will mean I'll have to keep at least one of my hands in good working condition to take care of things. And while pure imagination always works well, it won't be hurt by what is undoubtedly the sexiest female voice in pop, ever.

6. Rock For Light by Bad Brains - If there's any band that's better at promoting violent optimism than the Bad Brains, I haven't heard them. And obviously, I would want optimism every now and then while scooping out boar brains for dinner.

5. Parachutes by Coldplay - Every now and then, I'm sure I would feel sorry for myself. Coldplay is a good band for those moments.

4. Jane's Addiction by Jane's Addiction - Simply my favorite album by the first band I ever obsessed over as a teenager. My group of friends used to judge new people by whether they said they liked the live version of "Jane Says" on this album better than the studio version on Nothing's Shocking. If they said they liked the studio version better...well...we might still give them a chance...

3. In Utero by Nirvana - Same as above, except this was the second band I allowed myself to be obsessed with as a teenager. And, yeah, as far as I know they never covered "Jane Says." They might have done "Courtney Says," but then there probably would've been another legal fight.

2. Vee Vee by Archers of Loaf - Again, just one of my favorite albums by a band I discovered while DJing at my first college's radio station. They're tough to describe. Kind of like a more hard-rock-y Sonic Youth.

1. Walk Among Us by The Misfits - The Misfits are king and I could not survive on the island without them. And Walk Among Us would definitely be the album to have. Subsequent albums saw them going closer to thrash metal in their style, but this album can best be described, I think, as bouncy evil. Most of the songs are about zombies, aliens, or alien zombies. Even when the subject matter is absolutely dark and violent, they make it sound happy and fun. If you put the members of Megadeth and the Ramones in an isolated chamber for a week, made them watch nothing by cheesy old sci-fi movies with horrible special effects, this might be the album they recorded when they came out. It's good stuff. The best.

Top 10 Songs That Have Brought Me Comfort During My Recent Break-Ups

10. "Drops of Jupiter" By Train (I know, I know, Jesus Christ, I know)

9. "Cryin'" by Aerosmith (Again, I know, I'm not proud of it - yet it's ridiculously relevant)

8. "Sailin' On" by Bad Brains

7. "Everything's Not Lost" by Coldplay (I will not apologize for this - I like Coldplay and I won't feel bad about it)

6. "Bad Days" by The Flaming Lips

5. "Mommy, Can I Go Out and Kill Tonight?" by The Misfits

4. "I Wanna Be A Homosexual" by Screeching Weasel

3. "You Fucked Up" by Ween

2. "The Town Crotch" by Jonathan Coulton

1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds

Top 10 Reasons Why I Hate Star Trek

10. It's fucking boring.

9. Race. Star Trek has always used their different alien races to distribute fluffy messages about racial harmony. But if you look a bit more closely, it's actually an extremely racist franchise in that every alien character is completely defined by his/her race. I mean, why is Worf so special? Worf is so special because, unlike other Kling-Ons, every now and then he doesn't feel like murdering someone. There's nothing else significant about his character. That's it. Everything about Worf revolves around the fact that he's a Kling-On who's different from other Kling-Ons because he was raised by humans. It's like watching a movie in which the primary message is "Hey look! A black guy! And he knows how to read!" Oh, and if you ever want to see that movie, it's called Finding Forrester.

8. Listening to Star Trek fans talk about how talented the Trek actors are. Please. If it weren't for NPR, Kate Mulgrew would be living off action figure royalties. And if it weren't for the fact that there simply was no other choice in casting Professor X, Patrick Stewart would be knocking on directors' office doors, begging to give BJ's for money. Make it so!

7. The Ferrengei - a bit of a disturbing example of Reason #9. Let's see, they're little, hunched over, rat-like people who do nothing but hoard money. Hmmm...greedy rat-people...that sounds like a stereotype I've heard before, where'd you guys get that idea? (*cough*Berlin*cough*)

6. The Borg. Everyone loves the Borg. Fuck the Borg. The Borg are stupid. The Borg are stupid because they don't live up to the hype. The Borg are supposed to be super Darwin machines. They adapt and evolve to any situation. One strategy doesn't work, they use another. Shoot 'em, and within seconds they'll figure out a way to render themselves invulnerable to your weapons. So...the Borg try to wipe out the Federation - WITH ONLY ONE SHIP. They get as far as Earth's very doorstep, wiping out everything in their path, but the Enterprise crew manages to foil their plans just in time (surprise!). So then what happens? Star Trek: First Contact. The Borg attempt to wipe out the Federation again, AGAIN with only one ship. And of course, again, they fail. So...tell me, if these guys are all super-adapto, and they nearly defeated an intergalactic empire with only one fucking ship, do you think the second time they might, oh I don't know, SPRING FOR TWO?!?!?! Hell, how about three? I know, I know, gotta be careful about government spending and all that, but I think three ships isn't too excessive.

5. Wesley Crusher. Do I need to go on? No I don't. Wesley Crusher.

4. They killed Captain Kirk by having a bridge fall on top of him. COME ON! It's KIRK! He should die either in hand-to-hand combat with some super cyborg samurai, or while having sex with that green-skinned dancing chick.

3. All the stupid doctors. Why do they even need doctors? All they do is wave glowy shit at people and they're fine. I could do that.

2. Every alien race is either extremely logical and robot-like, or extremely illogical and war-like. Why aren't there alien races that are just like, you know, all chill? "We're the Temlanians! We just kinda hang out. We have chips."

1. They let Whoopi Goldberg have a part. That should cover it.

Top 10 Reasons Why My Existence Is So Absurd Someone Should Probably Shoot Me

10. I'm a camera man working for a radio station. Again, I'm a camera man working for a radio station.

9. I own multiple white longboxes thick with comic books. I have a bookshelf bursting with graphic novels - mostly about superheroes or other stories involving the supernatural. I spend more time than I'm willing to admit on an online game in which I pretend to be a dwarf who kills monsters. My favorite films are those in which diminutive heroes walk across non-existent landscapes in order to destroy evil jewelry, in which super-powered freaks straddle cityscapes and fight evil, and in which flying kung-fu masters kick each other's asses with expert choreography. My favorite tv shows are those that invole alien abduction, vampire slaying, and murderers possessed by demons. Regardless I don't believe in God, ghosts, psychic powers, aliens, Big Foot, the Loch Ness Monster, the predictions of Nostradamus, or Captain Crunch and I ruthlessly insult those who do.

8. I don't even know if I have a doorbell.

7. I generally only realize 5 years after the fact that I knew a chick who totally wanted to sleep with me.

6. In spite of the fact that the name with which most people refer me - Mick - is an Irish racial slur, and that my full name is Michileen Connor Martin, I feel as Irish as a taco. Oh, and I usually prefer English beer. Sorry...uh...countrymen. Or whatever.

5. I'm a CAMERA MAN working at a RADIO STATION.

4. I won't eat poultry or seafood. And I avoid most meat. Somehow, I still have this lovely I-eat-Hell's-Angels-every-morning physique.

3. I want to be a professional writer. I haven't written anything in months.

2. Glen Danzig.

1. When I was born, my mother was heavily sedated. When she saw me for the first time, held upside-down by the doctor, my mother yelled, "Oh my God! It's a fish!" I haven't been the same since then.

Top 10 Reasons Why You Must See The Dark Knight Immediately

WARNING: This list is as spoiler-free as I can make it, but there are things folks might consider spoilers. You've been warned.


10. Three Words. Anthony. Michael. Hall.

9. If Joel Schumacher had anything to do with the production of the The Dark Knight, other than serving as an example of how not to make a Batman movie, I'll eat my own fist after I cover it in elephant shit.

8.. "Give it to me, and I'll do what you should've done 10 minutes ago." You won't know what this means until you see the film, but it's part of one of the most disarmingly powerful moments of the movie.

7. Glen Danzig.

6. Christopher Nolan has succeeded in creating something that has been both desperately needed and woefully absent from every other superhero movie franchise. Rather than simply rustling up a new villain every film as a gimmick, he's managed to create a sustained rogue's gallery for Batman which in turn is making the world of the films as tangible and complex as the world of the comics. You'll probably know what I'm talking about within the first 5 minutes or so of the film. Some folks thought The Dark Knight would be a single-villain flick. Others suspected that with Harvey Dent (aka Two Face in the comics), it would be a two-villain movie. Sorry, folks. There's actually three of the bastards. But don't worry, this is no repeat of an embarrassment like Spider-Man 3.

5. The climax to The Dark Knight is absolutely incredible. It may remind you of the formulaic Star Wars climaxes in that it features multiple conflicts raging simultaneously, but it's nothing as boring as Lucas's many, many mistakes. It's dizzying and borders on confusion, but not in a bad way.

4. The ending of The Dark Knight is one of the best, if not the best, endings of any superhero film I can remember. Without giving away too much, rest assured The Dark Knight does not end with your usual hero-jumps-around-to-inspirational-music-with-a-flag-close-by resolution. It's a little surprising, and considering the hero, it's a fitting end.

3. (WARNING: This is one of those spoilers I can't avoid) While Heath Ledger's Joker will be what everyone remembers, Aaron Eckhart's portrayal of Harvey Dent is just as memorable in its own way. The descent of Harvey Dent - from a man so heroic there are those in Gotham who suspect he might be Batman, to one of Batman's most vicious and ruthless enemies - is perhaps the most impacting and utterly believable supervillain origin story you will see on film. We finally feel the same sympathy Batman harbors for Two Face. We've followed Harvey's journey, and regret where it's ended as much as Batman does. George Lucas - take notes. If you want to tell a story about a villain and want your audience to feel sympathy for him, you have to make them care about him before you make them hate him.

2. This is IT, folks. This is the best superhero movie you will ever see. The next Batman flick will suck compared to this. Every other superhero film will suck compared to this. I'm not kidding. This is it.

1. Jack Nicholson may have made you laugh, but folks, THIS is the Joker. The Joker as he was meant to be. He makes you feel sick to your stomach. He genuinely scares you. He makes you want to remind your kids about not talking to strangers. Ledger's Joker is so vicious you actually find yourself wondering whether or not the Batman can take him down. He's funny, but not like Nicholson was funny. More like, watching some poor homeless guy ranting to himself funny. His lunacy feels much more real than that of predecessors Nicholson and Romero, and that much more frightening because of it. Also, unlike the Jokers of the past, Ledger's Joker isn't just a silly clown with a bunch of gadgets, he's an actual physical threat to the Batman. He's no super-ninja, but when someone punches him, he punches BACK. One of his scarier moments is right in the beginning, when the Richard-Dreyfuss voice stops for a moment after a crime lord calls him crazy. No hideous cackling, no jittery dancing. He simply levels his eyes on the crimelord, and says "No. I'm not. I'm not." It's powerful because, if for no other reason, Nicholson or Romero would've just made some witty retort about how much they love being crazy. And if you don't understand why some of Gotham's citizens are scared of Batman, a scene in which Gordon lets Batman in the interrogation room with Joker will cure you of your ignorance.

This is the best, guys. For superhero movies, it really doesn't get better than this. And it won't. EVER. Go see it. Now.

Top 10 Reasons Why Stalin Was Better Than Hitler

10. Hitler killed people because they were Jewish, gypsies, gay, and overall just not like him. Stalin killed people because he thought they were plotting against him. They were both deluded and evil, but at least Stalin was practical. Hitler was just a dick.

9. The Soviet Army swept into China and changed it forever. Do you see any of the countries Hitler invaded becoming world powers because of it? Is anyone complaining about France taking over the world or Belgium sending everyone poison action figures?

8. Glen Danzig.

7. Hitler was from Austria. Stalin was from Georgia. Ray Charles didn't sing any songs about stupid Austria.

6. Robert Duvall played Stalin in the HBO movie. Robert Duvall is fuckin' cool.

5. No one ever asks hypothetical questions about going back in time and killing Stalin. Why? Fuckin' cooler than Hitler.

4. Hitler committed suicide. Pussy.

3. Hitler is like the "Smells Like Teen Spirit" of villains. Yeah, he was unique and interesting at first but then everyone uses him as a villain. He was even in an Indiana Jones movie for fuck's sake.

2. Stalin sees Hitler attacking Europe, Europe fighting back, what does he do? He invades fucking Finland. That's so fucking cool.

1. He was on our side. Duh.

Top 10 Things People Tell Me To Do That I Don't Want To Do

10. "Don't buy any more than 5 comic books, okay?"

9. "Smaller portions!"

8. "Calm down!"

7. "Wake up!"

6. "Ssssshhh!"

5. "Not on my face!"

4. "Not in my mouth!"

3. "Stop fucking the couch!"

2. "Stop touching yourself!"

1. "No karate in church!"

Top 10 Reasons Why I'm Positive I Am Completely, Insanely, Ridiculously In Love With A Woman With Whom I've Only Had One Date

10. She has me texting. I even decided to pay $10 extra per month for unlimited texting because she likes to text. Do you know what it’s like for me to text? I have big, meaty, sausage fingers. It’s like watching the Hulk trying to defuse a time bomb. It’s pathetic.

9. She has me running songs from musicals in my head. MUSICALS! I DON’T! EVEN! KNOW! THE FUCKING! WORDS!

8. I saved a voice mail from her just so I can hear her voice whenever I want. Jesus, I’m like a woman...

7. If she asked me to beat you up, I would. Sorry.

6. We went to see Incredible Hulk on our first date, and I couldn’t have cared less about the movie. I’m pretty sure there was a green guy in it. He punched stuff. No time bombs though.

5. I have to stop myself from saying “I love you” on the phone before I hang up.

4. It’s after 2 pm right now, she hasn’t texted me since this morning, and for this reason I’m actually worried she’s found out something bad about me (like my secret job in the Bomb Squad) and has decided never to see or talk to me again.

3. Every time something feels good, it feels like it’s her. I lay on my bed, take off my shirt, open the curtains, and feel a nice ray of sun hit my back? Her. A soft, caressing wind? Her. Morning wood? Her.

2. She has a great chest.

1. As I was cleaning dishes last night, and I put a pot away in a cupboard, I realized it. She was put here for me. I was put here for her. I know it. It’s a prophecy etched in my bones.

Top 10 Reasons Why I'm Going To Miss My Co-Worker Colin

10. Retards make me feel smart.

9. I hate using q-tips on my ears. Colin renders such awkward tools unnecessary. Every time he uses that stupid, high-pitched voice he stole from South Park, my ears bleed like Ol' fuckin' Faithful, clearing them out of wax in the process.

8. Racists make me feel righteous.

7. There's nothing more annoying than a cranky 14-year-old intern, and Colin always keeps them in good spirits by having sex with every single one of them.

6. Without his emblemed shirts, I'll have no idea what preppy company that utilizes illegal child labor I should be sending all my money to this week.

5. Drunks make me feel disciplined.

4. Without him, my co-worker Dave will be fucking up constantly, and I'll be too busy laughing to do my job properly.

3. People who read muscle magazines make me feel literate.

2. Glen Danzig.

1. I could totally kick his ass.