10. If you think people on public assistance are a drain on the economy, how much of a drain do you think it will be to administer drug tests to every single person in the country looking to benefit from that assistance?
9. Ever heard the phrase "false positive?" Do you think it's worth it to deny people food because someone ate a poppy bagel on the wrong day?
8. You can deny it. You will deny it. If you think people should be drug tested for a frivolous little privilege like eating, then it's likely truth is as strange to you as restraint is to me. But it's what is. And it's this - The day YOUR boss tells you he's giving you a random drug test, you're going to act like the Gestapo just raped your favorite child. And you know it. After all, you only do the drugs that don't matter! Don't they know you're white?
7. Jesus Christ, guys. If you need something to kick so badly, buy a fucking soccer ball.
6. The day someone has to piss in a cup to prove to a bureaucrat that they haven't been naughty just so they can feed themselves, this country is NOT worth living in. Yes, you'll still have your country rock and your cooking contest shows. You fucking monkeys.
5. Let's follow this logic. First we make sure they aren't drug users before we give them assistance. Then what? Then we monitor what they're buying with their assistance? To make sure they aren't buying anything unhealthy? Then to make sure they aren't buying anything unhealthy or unwholesome? Then to make sure they're only using their assistance to purchase items pre-approved by the government or, more correctly, to whatever corporation is giving the government its orders that week?
I'm going to propose two things you may consider strange. One, we have a right to privacy in this country. Two, it is a right that is not dependent on your ability to pay for food.
4. Here's something to think about. When you're driving through that neighborhood with those people, and some of those people who can't afford to buy a bag of chips spot you in your shiny Explorer texting your BFF about the stupid new phone you bought, you might WANT those people on drugs. Because otherwise, they might be awake enough to kill you.
3. You stupid motherfuckers bitch when athletes get drug tested. ATHLETES. People who make more money in a week than you and I could make in two lifetimes. And THEIR rights, THEIR rights you want to protect. But not the rights of poor people who can't afford their own food?
Really? I mean, REALLY?
Seriously. No bullshit. No snark. If you REALLY believe that, then these people you're lifting your nose to aren't the ones who should starve. They really aren't.
2. Even if the Republicans overtook every branch of government, I couldn't imagine something like this happening. But you can rest assured that, if it DOES happen, when those guys drag you out of your SUV at the traffic light and blast your skull open in front of your children, they WON'T just be doing it for drugs. They'll be doing it for food, too.
Stupid.
1. Seriously. I can't pretend no one cheats the welfare system. I can't pretend no one abuses it. What I can feel fairly secure about is that even if you assumed that every single person in the US on public assistance was either cheating the government or being wildly irresponsible about using that assistance, the costs would not even come close to other drains on our economy, like giving government assistance to huge corporations, or habitually sending every goddamn soldier we can to countries filled with non-white people. I realize war hawks and CEOs are more difficult to feel superior to because they don't make less money than you, but I'm sure you can find some motivation if you try.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
My Top 10 Responses To Your Stupid Face
10. Oh. On Facebook, you're a fan of "Sleeping In." Ha. Ha. Ha. That. Is. So. Funny. Ha. Ha. Ha. That. Is. So. Universal. And. True. Ha. Ha. Ha.
9. Hey Everyone! I KNOW google has a new Hulk theme. I got it, like, the FAH-king second it came out. SO SHUT UP ALREADY!
8. Everything I do is for your benefit. When I say anything, I say it only so you can respond. When I read a book, I do it only so you can ask what I'm reading. When I eat something, I only do it so you can ask me what I'm eating. You worthless scab of a semi-human being.
7. Whatever.
6. Shut your stupid face.
5. If I sneeze more than once, you don't need to bless me every time. In fact, since you're not the Pope, feel free to just shut up about it.
4. I must've eaten a lot of cheese. No matter how hard I try, I just don't give a shit.
3. No.
2. NO!
1. Stupid.
9. Hey Everyone! I KNOW google has a new Hulk theme. I got it, like, the FAH-king second it came out. SO SHUT UP ALREADY!
8. Everything I do is for your benefit. When I say anything, I say it only so you can respond. When I read a book, I do it only so you can ask what I'm reading. When I eat something, I only do it so you can ask me what I'm eating. You worthless scab of a semi-human being.
7. Whatever.
6. Shut your stupid face.
5. If I sneeze more than once, you don't need to bless me every time. In fact, since you're not the Pope, feel free to just shut up about it.
4. I must've eaten a lot of cheese. No matter how hard I try, I just don't give a shit.
3. No.
2. NO!
1. Stupid.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Top 10 Reasons Why Vampires Are Better Than Werewolves
10. Vampires are more environmentally friendly. Whenever you make a new werewolf, you have to waste tons of newspaper house training the bastards.
9. There are dumb vampires. There are seductive, whorish vampires and vampires who want to conquer the world. There are sad, broody vampires and lazy vampires who just want to kill someone every now and then and stay out of everyone's away. Vampires, in other words, have variety. Werewolves, on the other hand, just growl and kill and hump people's legs until someone in town figures out how to melt silver.
8. Werewolves just don't seem to serve any purpose. They're just wolves on two legs instead of four. Why would a wolf want two legs instead of four? That's stupid. If you have four legs, be happy about your extra two legs, idiot.
7. Vampires are tougher to track, because they don't shit in the woods.
6. It isn't Buffy the Werewolf Slayer, is it? Why not? Because werewolves are lame and you don't need anyone special to kill them. Hell, some people even let them play basketball for them.
5. If you become a werewolf, you don't even get to enjoy it. You wake up in the woods all naked, and you're like "Whoa, I got drunk! And hey, is that my girlfriend's severed pinky?" And the police suspect you but they have no proof, and you go through this whole awkward, confusing period before you even realize you're a werewolf. And then it doesn't matter, because whenever you become a werewolf, YOU aren't around and don't get to enjoy killing and growling and humping people's legs. On the other hand, if you get turned into a vampire, you'll know, and you'll be stopping by your boss' house momentarily.
4. Your choice of locale is severely limited. Sure, there are movies where they have werewolves in urban areas, but that's bullshit. If you're a werewolf, you need to live out in the country. 'Cause you're a freaking werewolf. Which means you may be limited as far as cable is concerned, you might have to do satellite TV, who knows if you can even get a cell phone signal...
3. Werewolves have super strength. So do vampires. Werewolves are really fast. So are vampires. Some vampires can turn into bats, wolves, or even mist. Werewolves can turn into werewolves and the thing they are when they're not werewolves.
2. Vampires are always vampires. Werewolves are only werewolves 3 nights out of the month, and ONLY at night. Werewolves are lazy.
1. A monstrous personification of mankind's primal rage?
Yeah, we've got that covered, Scooby. And he's bigger than you.
9. There are dumb vampires. There are seductive, whorish vampires and vampires who want to conquer the world. There are sad, broody vampires and lazy vampires who just want to kill someone every now and then and stay out of everyone's away. Vampires, in other words, have variety. Werewolves, on the other hand, just growl and kill and hump people's legs until someone in town figures out how to melt silver.
8. Werewolves just don't seem to serve any purpose. They're just wolves on two legs instead of four. Why would a wolf want two legs instead of four? That's stupid. If you have four legs, be happy about your extra two legs, idiot.
7. Vampires are tougher to track, because they don't shit in the woods.
6. It isn't Buffy the Werewolf Slayer, is it? Why not? Because werewolves are lame and you don't need anyone special to kill them. Hell, some people even let them play basketball for them.
5. If you become a werewolf, you don't even get to enjoy it. You wake up in the woods all naked, and you're like "Whoa, I got drunk! And hey, is that my girlfriend's severed pinky?" And the police suspect you but they have no proof, and you go through this whole awkward, confusing period before you even realize you're a werewolf. And then it doesn't matter, because whenever you become a werewolf, YOU aren't around and don't get to enjoy killing and growling and humping people's legs. On the other hand, if you get turned into a vampire, you'll know, and you'll be stopping by your boss' house momentarily.
4. Your choice of locale is severely limited. Sure, there are movies where they have werewolves in urban areas, but that's bullshit. If you're a werewolf, you need to live out in the country. 'Cause you're a freaking werewolf. Which means you may be limited as far as cable is concerned, you might have to do satellite TV, who knows if you can even get a cell phone signal...
3. Werewolves have super strength. So do vampires. Werewolves are really fast. So are vampires. Some vampires can turn into bats, wolves, or even mist. Werewolves can turn into werewolves and the thing they are when they're not werewolves.
2. Vampires are always vampires. Werewolves are only werewolves 3 nights out of the month, and ONLY at night. Werewolves are lazy.
1. A monstrous personification of mankind's primal rage?
Yeah, we've got that covered, Scooby. And he's bigger than you.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
My Top 10 Feelings On The Health Care Debate
10. Do I want my health care to be in the hands of bureaucrats? No. Absolutely not. I want my health care to be in the hands of Santa Claus and Peter Pan and those assholes on Star Trek who just have to wave ipods in front of your face to cure you of cancer. But they don't stop by much.
9. Hey Republicans! How about we work out a deal? You guys stop getting all mad about the idea of people who aren't white or who don't have as much money as you being allowed to get medical treatment, and we'll concede the whole abortion thing. No more abortions! Of course, as part of the deal, YOU get to keep all the babies. But you won't have to pay for their medical treatment. Congratulations!
8. Come on senators. You all know as well as the rest of us that if it weren't for government funded health care, most of you - on both sides of the debate - would have been dead from syphilis a LONG time ago.
7. Hey Republicans! I get the whole thing about being wary of big government. I really do. Here's where I get confused. You want the government to stay away from your health care. But you also want the government to tell you what to do with your bodies, who you get to marry, what you get to read, what you get to watch, who you get to pray to, etc. Oh, and to top it all off, you want to make sure we don't have a big, intrusive government by making sure that government has under its control the biggest, best-equipped armed forces it possibly can.
6. Tell you what. Call me a commie pinko bastard, but I would rather have to go through the hard work of figuring out for myself who I do and don't get to marry, while having someone make sure that an insurance company couldn't tell my mother that she doesn't get to have the only treatment that could possibly cure her terminal illness. I know. I'M stupid that way.
5. Know what I hate more about the idea of the government being in charge of my health care? My employer being in charge of my health care. At least the government doesn't know it was me who left the stinky in the men's room.
4. Hey Republicans! Look at the big picture. Right now, doctors are forced to care for some patients for free because of lack of coverage. If we have health care for everyone, doctors will always be paid. If doctors are always paid, doctors will have more money. If doctors make more money, they'll play more golf. If doctors play more golf, the demand for golf courses will rise. See? White-Rich-Asshole culture is safe. Don't worry. Everything's going to be okay.
3. Providing health care for all will help increase demand for naughty nurse outfits. Somehow. Maybe. Please.
2. Hey Republican Christians! What was Lazarus's copay?
1. This isn't a political issue for me. If you do not believe in health care for all, you are inhuman. You're not a Republican or a Democrat. You're not conservative or liberal. You are a sadistic, apathetic, cruel, non-human. You better hope that I'm right and that your God is just as imaginary as the Star Trek doctors and Santa and Peter Pan. Otherwise, all that shit people say is going to happen "when Hell freezes over?" Leave your number, because we'll be calling for status updates.
Scumbag.
9. Hey Republicans! How about we work out a deal? You guys stop getting all mad about the idea of people who aren't white or who don't have as much money as you being allowed to get medical treatment, and we'll concede the whole abortion thing. No more abortions! Of course, as part of the deal, YOU get to keep all the babies. But you won't have to pay for their medical treatment. Congratulations!
8. Come on senators. You all know as well as the rest of us that if it weren't for government funded health care, most of you - on both sides of the debate - would have been dead from syphilis a LONG time ago.
7. Hey Republicans! I get the whole thing about being wary of big government. I really do. Here's where I get confused. You want the government to stay away from your health care. But you also want the government to tell you what to do with your bodies, who you get to marry, what you get to read, what you get to watch, who you get to pray to, etc. Oh, and to top it all off, you want to make sure we don't have a big, intrusive government by making sure that government has under its control the biggest, best-equipped armed forces it possibly can.
6. Tell you what. Call me a commie pinko bastard, but I would rather have to go through the hard work of figuring out for myself who I do and don't get to marry, while having someone make sure that an insurance company couldn't tell my mother that she doesn't get to have the only treatment that could possibly cure her terminal illness. I know. I'M stupid that way.
5. Know what I hate more about the idea of the government being in charge of my health care? My employer being in charge of my health care. At least the government doesn't know it was me who left the stinky in the men's room.
4. Hey Republicans! Look at the big picture. Right now, doctors are forced to care for some patients for free because of lack of coverage. If we have health care for everyone, doctors will always be paid. If doctors are always paid, doctors will have more money. If doctors make more money, they'll play more golf. If doctors play more golf, the demand for golf courses will rise. See? White-Rich-Asshole culture is safe. Don't worry. Everything's going to be okay.
3. Providing health care for all will help increase demand for naughty nurse outfits. Somehow. Maybe. Please.
2. Hey Republican Christians! What was Lazarus's copay?
1. This isn't a political issue for me. If you do not believe in health care for all, you are inhuman. You're not a Republican or a Democrat. You're not conservative or liberal. You are a sadistic, apathetic, cruel, non-human. You better hope that I'm right and that your God is just as imaginary as the Star Trek doctors and Santa and Peter Pan. Otherwise, all that shit people say is going to happen "when Hell freezes over?" Leave your number, because we'll be calling for status updates.
Scumbag.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Top 10 Initial Reactions After Reading 170 Pages of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
10. At this point, I have asked my girlfriend twice the correct pronunciation of "Hermione." She has answered me both times. And I have almost immediately forgotten the answer. Both times.
So, from now on, I am simply referring to her as --
Or, perhaps, Annoying Bossy Bitch.
9. Hagrid the giant finds Harry with his adoptive parents - The Dursleys. The Dursleys don't like Hagrid or anything that reminds them of Harry's magical origins. During their meeting, Mr. Dursley insults Dumbledore (the headmaster of Hogwart's to whom Hagrid is very loyal), which angers Hagrid to no end. In retaliation, Hagrid uses his magic to sprout a pig tail out of the ass of Mr. Dursley's biological son, Dudley.
With this, Hagrid teaches Harry Potter one of the first rules of the aspiring Columbian druglord: when someone fucks with you, don't maim THEM. Maim their children.
8. "Muggles." That's awesome. J.K. Rowling came up with a racial slur for people who are born with inferior abilities. I sure hope that kinda stuff catches on in central Europe.
7. A conversation between me and my girlfriend (who has read all the books and convinced me to try out this first one):
MARYANN: How far did you get? Is he in the school yet?
ME: Yep.
MARYANN: Did you get to the Sorting Hat part yet?
ME: Yep. Harry and Ron are both in Tribe Survivor. They're forming an alliance to kick Neville off the island. He's a fucker.
6. Names are important. If Lucas hadn't chosen to create a villain whose name - Dooku - sounds like what toddlers call their shit, Attack of the Clones would only have been a complete waste of time and not a complete fucking waste of time.
Likewise, here we have characters with names like Dumbledore and Voldemort. My understanding is the books gradually mature in tone and content. And it is difficult for me to imagine taking seriously a dark, mature story featuring characters with names that make them sound like lawn gnomes.
5. Quidditch? Why is it even fictional English sports sound like synonyms for either knitting or pastry?
4. "Oh I can't say the name of You-Know-Who!"
"Oh, they teamed up with You-Know-Who!"
"You don't mean You-Know-Who?"
"I heard he worked for You-Know-Who!"
"They say it has something to do with You-Know-Who!"
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
MACBETH!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
3. Wait for it...wait for it...
...
...
Hulkcouldtotallykickharry'sass
2. So apparently in the films first they had Richard Harris playing Dumbledore. Then he died, so they got Michael Gambon.
And strangely, when I read the book, all I can think of is Ian McKellen.
1. So far the verdict is...I don't think it sucks. The first couple of chapters were tedious. The whole "oh look at the magical boy being smothered by the normal, boring people" bullshit had me yawning, but once it got going, it got going. I don't know if I'll be dying to read one book after the other, but so far it isn't a bad read.
So, from now on, I am simply referring to her as --
Or, perhaps, Annoying Bossy Bitch.
9. Hagrid the giant finds Harry with his adoptive parents - The Dursleys. The Dursleys don't like Hagrid or anything that reminds them of Harry's magical origins. During their meeting, Mr. Dursley insults Dumbledore (the headmaster of Hogwart's to whom Hagrid is very loyal), which angers Hagrid to no end. In retaliation, Hagrid uses his magic to sprout a pig tail out of the ass of Mr. Dursley's biological son, Dudley.
With this, Hagrid teaches Harry Potter one of the first rules of the aspiring Columbian druglord: when someone fucks with you, don't maim THEM. Maim their children.
8. "Muggles." That's awesome. J.K. Rowling came up with a racial slur for people who are born with inferior abilities. I sure hope that kinda stuff catches on in central Europe.
7. A conversation between me and my girlfriend (who has read all the books and convinced me to try out this first one):
MARYANN: How far did you get? Is he in the school yet?
ME: Yep.
MARYANN: Did you get to the Sorting Hat part yet?
ME: Yep. Harry and Ron are both in Tribe Survivor. They're forming an alliance to kick Neville off the island. He's a fucker.
6. Names are important. If Lucas hadn't chosen to create a villain whose name - Dooku - sounds like what toddlers call their shit, Attack of the Clones would only have been a complete waste of time and not a complete fucking waste of time.
Likewise, here we have characters with names like Dumbledore and Voldemort. My understanding is the books gradually mature in tone and content. And it is difficult for me to imagine taking seriously a dark, mature story featuring characters with names that make them sound like lawn gnomes.
5. Quidditch? Why is it even fictional English sports sound like synonyms for either knitting or pastry?
4. "Oh I can't say the name of You-Know-Who!"
"Oh, they teamed up with You-Know-Who!"
"You don't mean You-Know-Who?"
"I heard he worked for You-Know-Who!"
"They say it has something to do with You-Know-Who!"
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
MACBETH!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
3. Wait for it...wait for it...
...
...
Hulkcouldtotallykickharry'sass
2. So apparently in the films first they had Richard Harris playing Dumbledore. Then he died, so they got Michael Gambon.
And strangely, when I read the book, all I can think of is Ian McKellen.
1. So far the verdict is...I don't think it sucks. The first couple of chapters were tedious. The whole "oh look at the magical boy being smothered by the normal, boring people" bullshit had me yawning, but once it got going, it got going. I don't know if I'll be dying to read one book after the other, but so far it isn't a bad read.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Top 10 Things I Don't Think You Guys Give Me Enough Credit For
10. "Going Postal." That was MY phrase. I started that. It was me.
9. I've had a lot of bad ideas. A lot of you have been victims of them. But did I EVER try ventriloquism? No. No I did not.
8. I have never turned anyone in to the House Committee on Un-American Activities. And I totally could've. Like my girlfriend. She made me join a co-op.
7. How much did you know about the Incredible Hulk before you met me? And now...? That's effin' RIGHT!!!
6. Why don't YOU come up with new top 10 lists every day! EVERY DAY! Without any repetition! Without ANY repetition! ANY!
5. That last really good idea you had? That was mine. You just don't remember because YOU NEVER! STOP! DRINKING! WHY!?!?!?! WHEN WILL YOU CHOOSE LIFE?!?!?!
4. Most of my lists are much funnier than this one.
3. Do you know how much embarrassing crap I've revealed in these stupid lists? You think I like talking about going to a dermatologist to get my zits taken care of at the spry young age of THIRTY-FOUR?!?!? I am Captain Transparent. My soul is Ziploc. If any of you ever accuse me of lying I'll...I'll...call Linda Carter. Who I had sex with. Yeah..
2. Every now and then when I pull the neck of my shirt up over my nose and just keep it there for a few minutes? YES! I AM smelling myself. And I'm not ashamed of that.
1. Why don't YOU come up with new top 10 lists every day! EVERY DAY! Without any repetition! Without ANY repetition! ANY!
9. I've had a lot of bad ideas. A lot of you have been victims of them. But did I EVER try ventriloquism? No. No I did not.
8. I have never turned anyone in to the House Committee on Un-American Activities. And I totally could've. Like my girlfriend. She made me join a co-op.
7. How much did you know about the Incredible Hulk before you met me? And now...? That's effin' RIGHT!!!
6. Why don't YOU come up with new top 10 lists every day! EVERY DAY! Without any repetition! Without ANY repetition! ANY!
5. That last really good idea you had? That was mine. You just don't remember because YOU NEVER! STOP! DRINKING! WHY!?!?!?! WHEN WILL YOU CHOOSE LIFE?!?!?!
4. Most of my lists are much funnier than this one.
3. Do you know how much embarrassing crap I've revealed in these stupid lists? You think I like talking about going to a dermatologist to get my zits taken care of at the spry young age of THIRTY-FOUR?!?!? I am Captain Transparent. My soul is Ziploc. If any of you ever accuse me of lying I'll...I'll...call Linda Carter. Who I had sex with. Yeah..
2. Every now and then when I pull the neck of my shirt up over my nose and just keep it there for a few minutes? YES! I AM smelling myself. And I'm not ashamed of that.
1. Why don't YOU come up with new top 10 lists every day! EVERY DAY! Without any repetition! Without ANY repetition! ANY!
Monday, July 20, 2009
Top 10 Fun Things About My New Dermatologist
We'll call her "DermaLady"
10. Useless history lessons
DERMALADY: I'm a nurse practitioner. Do you know what that is?
ME: (who worked at a hospital for 4 years) Well--
DERMALADY: The position was created in (insert history of nurse practitioner...ism).
9. Apparently, she was afraid I had been hiding something dark about my IRA past.
DERMALADY: What nationality is that first name?
ME: Irish.
DERMALADY: (angrily, after a pause) Well, "Martin" isn't Irish!
8. She explained to me that, due to the lack of a vagina and uterus, the fact that the medicine she wanted to give me could cause birth defects wasn't a factor. Big sigh of relief there. Nothing gets past those nurse practitioners.
7. The open sarcasm and overall asshole-ism portrayed in House, M.D. hasn't had ANY IMPACT AT ALL on how health providers speak to patients.
DERMALADY: Do you pick at them? (i.e. my zits)
ME: When they turn into whiteheads, yeah.
DERMALADY: Do you like scars on your face?
ME: No.
DERMALADY: Don't pick at them.
6. After suffering from, and being treated for, Sleep Apnea for 8 years, DermaLady realizes that no one has ever told me...
DERMALADY: If you lose weight, it will help your Apnea.
I'm glad my dermatologist was there to teach me about Apnea. I would have talked to an ENT doc, but I was too busy making appointments with chiropractors for rectal exams.
5. It's clear she fell back on Dermatology after a successful career as a detective. She had this incredible strategy. The less information I knew, the more details she asked for.
DERMALADY: When's the last time you used antibiotics?
ME: I'm not sure.
DERMALADY: Who prescribed it?
ME: I honestly don't remember.
DERMALADY: What was it for?
ME: I don't know.
DERMALADY: How long did you take it?
(and at this point, I just start making shit up)
4. In her defense, she refrained from doing something my last Dermatologist did.
After walking into the room and introducing himself, he noticed I had skin tags on my neck (I had only come in for acne). Without even hinting at his intentions, without even mentioning the skin tags, he told me to hold still, grabbed a little metal rod, and started burning the fucking things off my neck.
3. Like a detective, she had some good strategies to see if I was lying - to try to trip me up in any falsehoods. It was intense and cunning.
DERMALADY: Are you oily?
ME: Yeah.
DERMALADY: Do you have acne on your back?
ME: Yeah.
DERMALADY: Are you oily?
ME: Yeah.
DERMALADY: You know you have a cyst here, right?
ME: Yeah.
DERMALADY: Are you oily?
2. The booklet about the medicine she wants to give me, made by the people who made the medicine who, I'm guessing, want to SELL their product, very specifically says that the medication has caused depression, psychosis, and suicide in some patients.
DermaLady assures me this is not true. She used this opportunity to brag about her son, who apparently gave the commencement address at his high school after using the medicine. I am just now realizing that she didn't tell me what the commencement speech was about and that it may have been titled "Why The Future Is Filled With The Government Implanting Things In My Ass While I Sleep."
Or, considering her reaction as documented in #9, the speech may have been recited in German.
1. She told me I should have a yogurt with every lunch.
Pfft. "Yogurt."
That is SO a made-up word.
10. Useless history lessons
DERMALADY: I'm a nurse practitioner. Do you know what that is?
ME: (who worked at a hospital for 4 years) Well--
DERMALADY: The position was created in (insert history of nurse practitioner...ism).
9. Apparently, she was afraid I had been hiding something dark about my IRA past.
DERMALADY: What nationality is that first name?
ME: Irish.
DERMALADY: (angrily, after a pause) Well, "Martin" isn't Irish!
8. She explained to me that, due to the lack of a vagina and uterus, the fact that the medicine she wanted to give me could cause birth defects wasn't a factor. Big sigh of relief there. Nothing gets past those nurse practitioners.
7. The open sarcasm and overall asshole-ism portrayed in House, M.D. hasn't had ANY IMPACT AT ALL on how health providers speak to patients.
DERMALADY: Do you pick at them? (i.e. my zits)
ME: When they turn into whiteheads, yeah.
DERMALADY: Do you like scars on your face?
ME: No.
DERMALADY: Don't pick at them.
6. After suffering from, and being treated for, Sleep Apnea for 8 years, DermaLady realizes that no one has ever told me...
DERMALADY: If you lose weight, it will help your Apnea.
I'm glad my dermatologist was there to teach me about Apnea. I would have talked to an ENT doc, but I was too busy making appointments with chiropractors for rectal exams.
5. It's clear she fell back on Dermatology after a successful career as a detective. She had this incredible strategy. The less information I knew, the more details she asked for.
DERMALADY: When's the last time you used antibiotics?
ME: I'm not sure.
DERMALADY: Who prescribed it?
ME: I honestly don't remember.
DERMALADY: What was it for?
ME: I don't know.
DERMALADY: How long did you take it?
(and at this point, I just start making shit up)
4. In her defense, she refrained from doing something my last Dermatologist did.
After walking into the room and introducing himself, he noticed I had skin tags on my neck (I had only come in for acne). Without even hinting at his intentions, without even mentioning the skin tags, he told me to hold still, grabbed a little metal rod, and started burning the fucking things off my neck.
3. Like a detective, she had some good strategies to see if I was lying - to try to trip me up in any falsehoods. It was intense and cunning.
DERMALADY: Are you oily?
ME: Yeah.
DERMALADY: Do you have acne on your back?
ME: Yeah.
DERMALADY: Are you oily?
ME: Yeah.
DERMALADY: You know you have a cyst here, right?
ME: Yeah.
DERMALADY: Are you oily?
2. The booklet about the medicine she wants to give me, made by the people who made the medicine who, I'm guessing, want to SELL their product, very specifically says that the medication has caused depression, psychosis, and suicide in some patients.
DermaLady assures me this is not true. She used this opportunity to brag about her son, who apparently gave the commencement address at his high school after using the medicine. I am just now realizing that she didn't tell me what the commencement speech was about and that it may have been titled "Why The Future Is Filled With The Government Implanting Things In My Ass While I Sleep."
Or, considering her reaction as documented in #9, the speech may have been recited in German.
1. She told me I should have a yogurt with every lunch.
Pfft. "Yogurt."
That is SO a made-up word.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Top 10 Things That Piss Me Off About Internet Social Networking
10. It leads people to believe that I live in a climate-controlled, soundproof, underground bunker. I don't know why this is the case. I just know that every time it rains, every local Twitter or Facebook friend I have needs to post at least five or six "It's raining!" status updates. My favorite is when they specify by street. "It's raining on Lark St.!" Maybe they think this will give them an advantage in Monopoly.
9. The fact that I know within a year Facebook and Twitter will be old hat and I'll have to sign up for some other bullshit.
8. Not enough updates about me.
7. The fact that some people still don't get that the whole point of status updates is to give your friends BRIEF updates. Brief. Good rule of thumb - if your status update looks like an honest-to-Hulk paragraph, it's too effin' long.
6. The fact that it opens me up to the awkward situation of either actively allowing or disallowing social networking with employers, family members, people I know but don't particularly like, etc. And rodeo clowns.
5. It is sometimes very disheartening to learn, via social networking sites, that your friends believe in wildly different things than you do. Particularly if the things they believe in seem hateful. Or, along the same lines, if you find out they like musicals.
4. Most of the quizzes. Some are funny. But most are stupid and people end up putting a surprising amount of stock in the answers they get. It's really okay guys. If a quiz tells you you're Dumbledore but you really wanted to be Harry, there is a chance that the man-child who took 5 minutes to whip the thing together had flaws in his quiz-making logic. Besides, the question that decided it was probably something along the lines of "Would you say your name sounds more like 'mumbledore' or 'merry kopper'?"
3. I AM NOT GOING TO JOIN YOUR MOB IN MOB WARS! If I DO, then I'll just have to recruit people for MY mob. And none of them will join because we have all the same people on our friends lists, and they already hate you for trying to recruit them!
2. Surveys. I actually enjoy filling these out. They're so retarded that it's deliciously easy to come up with funny answers. But receiving them from other people is another matter. I really don't give a shit whether you prefer chocolate over vanilla. Buy your own stupid ice cream.
1. I am beginning to suspect that they're fibbing about these secret crushes. I don't even know anyone in Lithuania.
9. The fact that I know within a year Facebook and Twitter will be old hat and I'll have to sign up for some other bullshit.
8. Not enough updates about me.
7. The fact that some people still don't get that the whole point of status updates is to give your friends BRIEF updates. Brief. Good rule of thumb - if your status update looks like an honest-to-Hulk paragraph, it's too effin' long.
6. The fact that it opens me up to the awkward situation of either actively allowing or disallowing social networking with employers, family members, people I know but don't particularly like, etc. And rodeo clowns.
5. It is sometimes very disheartening to learn, via social networking sites, that your friends believe in wildly different things than you do. Particularly if the things they believe in seem hateful. Or, along the same lines, if you find out they like musicals.
4. Most of the quizzes. Some are funny. But most are stupid and people end up putting a surprising amount of stock in the answers they get. It's really okay guys. If a quiz tells you you're Dumbledore but you really wanted to be Harry, there is a chance that the man-child who took 5 minutes to whip the thing together had flaws in his quiz-making logic. Besides, the question that decided it was probably something along the lines of "Would you say your name sounds more like 'mumbledore' or 'merry kopper'?"
3. I AM NOT GOING TO JOIN YOUR MOB IN MOB WARS! If I DO, then I'll just have to recruit people for MY mob. And none of them will join because we have all the same people on our friends lists, and they already hate you for trying to recruit them!
2. Surveys. I actually enjoy filling these out. They're so retarded that it's deliciously easy to come up with funny answers. But receiving them from other people is another matter. I really don't give a shit whether you prefer chocolate over vanilla. Buy your own stupid ice cream.
1. I am beginning to suspect that they're fibbing about these secret crushes. I don't even know anyone in Lithuania.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Mick's Top 10 Favorite TV Shows
10. Family Guy
I've never sought it out. I've never made a note to remember what channels it airs on or when it airs. I've never even considered the idea of buying the DVDs. Regardless, it's a show that's never disappointed. I always go breathless laughing. I know a lot of the humor is easy. I know that the criticisms that it's just a bunch of pop culture references thrown together have merit. But I can't help it. It's just goddamn funny.
9. Scrubs
Sometimes it's way too cheesy. Sometimes the music is excessive, particularly when - and this is often the case - thematically speaking the music has absolutely nothing to do with the story. Still, Scrubs succeeds at being ruthlessly funny and achingly human at the same time. Despite how improbable and sometimes outright impossible their antics are, for example, the friendship between JD (Zach Braff) and Turk (Donald Faison) feels more genuine to me than just about any relationship I've seen depicted on television.
8. The Daily Show
I've watched it from the very beginning, from back when Craig Kilborn was hosting - back when the funniest segment was asking the celebrity guest 5 random questions accompanied with video of some dude's head exploding.
It seems stupid to even think now, but at the time I had a difficult time imagining Jon Stewart filling Kilborn's shoes. Remember, Stewart's track record with TV wasn't exactly stellar. It pretty much amounted to one or two short-lived shows on MTV back when featuring programs without music videos on that channel was still a relatively novel idea. And there's also the simple fact that Stewart's temperament is wildly different from Kilborn's. Kilborn's satire was outright mean, while Stewart can still seem almost apologetic at times for his biting commentary.
I'm happy to have been proven wrong - wrong to the point where mentioning that Craig Kilborn used to host The Daily Show is kind of like when you mention to some folks that Dave Grohl from Foo Fighters used to be the drummer for Nirvana. They give you this curious head tilt and make some noise to the effect that that's an interesting factoid, but you know they're going to check on the Internet before they'll believe your silly ass.
7. The Colbert Report
I'm happy to say the success of The Colbert Report is yet another example of me being proven wrong and not minding. I remember tuning in to the first show with curiosity, but feeling fairly certain it would be a failure. It was just, I assumed, a lame spin-off of The Daily Show like David Spade's abortive The Showbiz Show.
But just as Spade's tedious and cynical personality renders any solo project of his an exercise in futility, the childlike joy Colbert evokes while playing at being an even more dim-witted disciple of Bill O'Reilly is almost more fun to watch than the satire itself.
6. The X-Files
It's difficult to resist the urge to sigh regrettably every time I think of The X-Files. There were a lot of great moments in Chris Carter's one successful series, but it's tough to not feel those moments are overshadowed by failure: the failure of Carter and co. to ever make any kind of coherent sense out of their alien mythology, the failure of David Duchovny to decide whether he wanted to be a talented minimalist actor or simply an untalented robot who undercut criticism by poking fun at his near-dead performances, the failure of Carter to learn to write believable dialogue or intelligent plots, the failure of taking every successful aspect of the show and beating it to death in lieu of new ideas (e.g. the Lone Gunmen, Cancer Man, etc.), and finally the failure to live up to the unbelievable potential inherent in this concept.
But when the potential was met, it was a sight to behold. I still feel "Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space'" is one of the greatest hours of network television ever aired. Try to remember, if you care to, that if/when you watch that episode with your children, when Jesse Ventura drives into the garage of a character - a character named after the psychedelic rock singer and mentally plagued Roky Erickson - and delivers a speech that is, arguably, not only the most intelligent and complex speech ever given on network television in regards to the concept of the limits of human perception, but actually a speech that describes the very soul of the show's oft-unrealized potential, you will get to tap your child on the shoulder, point at the screen, and say "That cro-magnon freak was the Governor of Minnesota, I shit you not."
5. Twin Peaks
Twin Peaks left me shaking. Literally.
I first saw it in Tampa, under what I imagine may be unusual circumstances for Peaks fans. Before it turned into a channel of nothing but reality shows geared towards the people who don't want to feel like the idiots who watch those OTHER reality shows, Bravo used to annually air a Twin Peaks Halloween marathon. They aired the entire series, though honestly I don't remember if they aired it all at once, or staggered over a couple of nights.
I watched the first few episodes out of curiosity, and was soon hooked. I stayed up for longer than I care to admit, watching hour after hour of the series, waiting for the end. When the last episode finally came and I saw the ultimate fate of the lovable and pure-hearted Agent Cooper, it literally left me shaking. The next day in school, every time I held out my hand, it shook like I'd gotten a spinal tap of caffeine. No television show had ever made such an emotional impact on me. And if it weren't for the fact that so much of the middle of the series was craptacular, it would have a higher spot on the list.
4. The Sopranos
It is difficult for me to figure out why, with so many unpleasant childhood memories involving fat Italian family members yelling obscenities at each other, that I would love The Sopranos as much as I do.
I guess what I appreciated the most about the show was its moral honesty. It never tried to fool us about its main character. Tony Soprano wasn't a misunderstood, kindhearted, gentle giant who was only doing what he had to do. He was a sadistic, insecure, murderous bully. They showed us the evil he committed, and more often than not the fallout for innocent people. If we fell for him, it wasn't for the sake of not being shown what he really was.
3. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
I didn't really get into Buffy until the show was close to ending. My girlfriend at the time and I would buy the seasons on DVD and watch them for hours at a time. For quite a while, every birthday and holiday came with one of us buying a season as a "gift" for the other, even though we both knew it was no such thing. Until we finally had all seven seasons assembled, we told family and friends to not bother with anything but Best Buy gift cards as presents.
After she dumped me and it was time to gather up all my stuff, the Buffy dvds were a problem. There was no way to remember who had bought what seasons, or which seasons were gift for who, from who. And what would be the point of taking half? How would it even be possible to take half since there was an odd number of seasons? And who would get stuck with the craptacular Season 7?
Ultimately, I decided to extend a bit of kindness to my ex and leave her the series. Besides, I was taking all the extended editions of The Lord of the Rings even though she watched them more than I did (they WERE mine, just so you know - one was a gift from her, and the other two were gifts from my family). But I didn't want to go without indefinitely. So I decided my tax refund (it was the end of last January when we split) would go to the entire series set.
I kept that promise, and immediately set about watching the entire series, every episode, one more time. And it felt like I got a little bit of my life back.
And the only reason I told that story is that I feel like I've written about Buffy online so much, that that story was really all I had left to say.
2. Firefly
Like The X-Files, "unrealized potential" is a necessary phrase when describing Firefly. The only difference is that, in the case of Firefly, it wasn't for lack of trying.
There is no doubt in my mind that, if Fox had dislodged its skull from its butt and aired the installments of Firefly in the order in which they were meant to be seen, the series wouldn't have folded after only a handful of episodes. You really, REALLY know the full extent of network television executive stupidity when you buy the DVD collection of Firefly, read the air dates of the episodes, and learn that the first two-part episode - which introduces all the plot elements of the series - was aired AFTER every other episode. After.
After.
1. The Office
This was honestly a surprise to me. I've become an avid watcher of the show, to the point that I know I've crossed the geek line.
In other words, I've started pointing out plot inconsistencies and can easily remember dialogue from just about any episode. Yes. I've gotten to that place.
But I didn't think it was my favorite. When I tried to figure out which one was my favorite, I just asked a simple question - if someone offered to play episodes from any of these 10 shows, which one would I rather watch? And the answer was The Office. That simple.
I saw the first season of the original UK version, and I know there's a staunch crowd of folks who think that's the better version. I don't know. I never saw beyond the first season of what the Brits did so I can't say for sure, but I think one of the things we yanks changed was occasionally making characters like Michael Schott (Steve Carell) and Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson) occasionally sympathetic. I know Schott's English counterpart Ricky Gervais (David Brent) was never anything but detestable, and in fact you could say the same about Schott in the first season of the American rip-off which more closely followed the limeys. At this point, you not only DON'T thoroughly hate Schott the same way you do Gervais, but there are some episodes when you actually root for him. Does that make it a better or worse show? I don't know. But it's still funny. And it's still updog.
I've never sought it out. I've never made a note to remember what channels it airs on or when it airs. I've never even considered the idea of buying the DVDs. Regardless, it's a show that's never disappointed. I always go breathless laughing. I know a lot of the humor is easy. I know that the criticisms that it's just a bunch of pop culture references thrown together have merit. But I can't help it. It's just goddamn funny.
9. Scrubs
Sometimes it's way too cheesy. Sometimes the music is excessive, particularly when - and this is often the case - thematically speaking the music has absolutely nothing to do with the story. Still, Scrubs succeeds at being ruthlessly funny and achingly human at the same time. Despite how improbable and sometimes outright impossible their antics are, for example, the friendship between JD (Zach Braff) and Turk (Donald Faison) feels more genuine to me than just about any relationship I've seen depicted on television.
8. The Daily Show
I've watched it from the very beginning, from back when Craig Kilborn was hosting - back when the funniest segment was asking the celebrity guest 5 random questions accompanied with video of some dude's head exploding.
It seems stupid to even think now, but at the time I had a difficult time imagining Jon Stewart filling Kilborn's shoes. Remember, Stewart's track record with TV wasn't exactly stellar. It pretty much amounted to one or two short-lived shows on MTV back when featuring programs without music videos on that channel was still a relatively novel idea. And there's also the simple fact that Stewart's temperament is wildly different from Kilborn's. Kilborn's satire was outright mean, while Stewart can still seem almost apologetic at times for his biting commentary.
I'm happy to have been proven wrong - wrong to the point where mentioning that Craig Kilborn used to host The Daily Show is kind of like when you mention to some folks that Dave Grohl from Foo Fighters used to be the drummer for Nirvana. They give you this curious head tilt and make some noise to the effect that that's an interesting factoid, but you know they're going to check on the Internet before they'll believe your silly ass.
7. The Colbert Report
I'm happy to say the success of The Colbert Report is yet another example of me being proven wrong and not minding. I remember tuning in to the first show with curiosity, but feeling fairly certain it would be a failure. It was just, I assumed, a lame spin-off of The Daily Show like David Spade's abortive The Showbiz Show.
But just as Spade's tedious and cynical personality renders any solo project of his an exercise in futility, the childlike joy Colbert evokes while playing at being an even more dim-witted disciple of Bill O'Reilly is almost more fun to watch than the satire itself.
6. The X-Files
It's difficult to resist the urge to sigh regrettably every time I think of The X-Files. There were a lot of great moments in Chris Carter's one successful series, but it's tough to not feel those moments are overshadowed by failure: the failure of Carter and co. to ever make any kind of coherent sense out of their alien mythology, the failure of David Duchovny to decide whether he wanted to be a talented minimalist actor or simply an untalented robot who undercut criticism by poking fun at his near-dead performances, the failure of Carter to learn to write believable dialogue or intelligent plots, the failure of taking every successful aspect of the show and beating it to death in lieu of new ideas (e.g. the Lone Gunmen, Cancer Man, etc.), and finally the failure to live up to the unbelievable potential inherent in this concept.
But when the potential was met, it was a sight to behold. I still feel "Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space'" is one of the greatest hours of network television ever aired. Try to remember, if you care to, that if/when you watch that episode with your children, when Jesse Ventura drives into the garage of a character - a character named after the psychedelic rock singer and mentally plagued Roky Erickson - and delivers a speech that is, arguably, not only the most intelligent and complex speech ever given on network television in regards to the concept of the limits of human perception, but actually a speech that describes the very soul of the show's oft-unrealized potential, you will get to tap your child on the shoulder, point at the screen, and say "That cro-magnon freak was the Governor of Minnesota, I shit you not."
5. Twin Peaks
Twin Peaks left me shaking. Literally.
I first saw it in Tampa, under what I imagine may be unusual circumstances for Peaks fans. Before it turned into a channel of nothing but reality shows geared towards the people who don't want to feel like the idiots who watch those OTHER reality shows, Bravo used to annually air a Twin Peaks Halloween marathon. They aired the entire series, though honestly I don't remember if they aired it all at once, or staggered over a couple of nights.
I watched the first few episodes out of curiosity, and was soon hooked. I stayed up for longer than I care to admit, watching hour after hour of the series, waiting for the end. When the last episode finally came and I saw the ultimate fate of the lovable and pure-hearted Agent Cooper, it literally left me shaking. The next day in school, every time I held out my hand, it shook like I'd gotten a spinal tap of caffeine. No television show had ever made such an emotional impact on me. And if it weren't for the fact that so much of the middle of the series was craptacular, it would have a higher spot on the list.
4. The Sopranos
It is difficult for me to figure out why, with so many unpleasant childhood memories involving fat Italian family members yelling obscenities at each other, that I would love The Sopranos as much as I do.
I guess what I appreciated the most about the show was its moral honesty. It never tried to fool us about its main character. Tony Soprano wasn't a misunderstood, kindhearted, gentle giant who was only doing what he had to do. He was a sadistic, insecure, murderous bully. They showed us the evil he committed, and more often than not the fallout for innocent people. If we fell for him, it wasn't for the sake of not being shown what he really was.
3. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
I didn't really get into Buffy until the show was close to ending. My girlfriend at the time and I would buy the seasons on DVD and watch them for hours at a time. For quite a while, every birthday and holiday came with one of us buying a season as a "gift" for the other, even though we both knew it was no such thing. Until we finally had all seven seasons assembled, we told family and friends to not bother with anything but Best Buy gift cards as presents.
After she dumped me and it was time to gather up all my stuff, the Buffy dvds were a problem. There was no way to remember who had bought what seasons, or which seasons were gift for who, from who. And what would be the point of taking half? How would it even be possible to take half since there was an odd number of seasons? And who would get stuck with the craptacular Season 7?
Ultimately, I decided to extend a bit of kindness to my ex and leave her the series. Besides, I was taking all the extended editions of The Lord of the Rings even though she watched them more than I did (they WERE mine, just so you know - one was a gift from her, and the other two were gifts from my family). But I didn't want to go without indefinitely. So I decided my tax refund (it was the end of last January when we split) would go to the entire series set.
I kept that promise, and immediately set about watching the entire series, every episode, one more time. And it felt like I got a little bit of my life back.
And the only reason I told that story is that I feel like I've written about Buffy online so much, that that story was really all I had left to say.
2. Firefly
Like The X-Files, "unrealized potential" is a necessary phrase when describing Firefly. The only difference is that, in the case of Firefly, it wasn't for lack of trying.
There is no doubt in my mind that, if Fox had dislodged its skull from its butt and aired the installments of Firefly in the order in which they were meant to be seen, the series wouldn't have folded after only a handful of episodes. You really, REALLY know the full extent of network television executive stupidity when you buy the DVD collection of Firefly, read the air dates of the episodes, and learn that the first two-part episode - which introduces all the plot elements of the series - was aired AFTER every other episode. After.
After.
1. The Office
This was honestly a surprise to me. I've become an avid watcher of the show, to the point that I know I've crossed the geek line.
In other words, I've started pointing out plot inconsistencies and can easily remember dialogue from just about any episode. Yes. I've gotten to that place.
But I didn't think it was my favorite. When I tried to figure out which one was my favorite, I just asked a simple question - if someone offered to play episodes from any of these 10 shows, which one would I rather watch? And the answer was The Office. That simple.
I saw the first season of the original UK version, and I know there's a staunch crowd of folks who think that's the better version. I don't know. I never saw beyond the first season of what the Brits did so I can't say for sure, but I think one of the things we yanks changed was occasionally making characters like Michael Schott (Steve Carell) and Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson) occasionally sympathetic. I know Schott's English counterpart Ricky Gervais (David Brent) was never anything but detestable, and in fact you could say the same about Schott in the first season of the American rip-off which more closely followed the limeys. At this point, you not only DON'T thoroughly hate Schott the same way you do Gervais, but there are some episodes when you actually root for him. Does that make it a better or worse show? I don't know. But it's still funny. And it's still updog.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Top 10 Reasons Why Coldplay Makes Me Feel Like A Girl (List SMASH!'s 150th list)
(A friend and regular reader of List SMASH! mentioned that she wished there was some kind of function on my posts to rate how funny she thought each post was - kind of like clicking the stars on Netflix. So I checked and indeed Blogger offers something like that. You will notice that now on the bottom of each list there are three choices - ROFLMAO, LOL, and /yawn. I wanted to add more options but it only allows for three. So, if you feel like letting me know what you think without posting, feel free.)
10. I have no idea what their name means. If I don't know why a band's name is stupid, I can't make fun of it. Once I found out Soul Coughing named themselves after a line in a Neil Young poem, I lost some respect for them. Once I found out what "Pearl Jam" meant. Well. Ew.
9. "Green Eyes" turns me into a lovesick, blubbery, freshly pubertized girl. Even though I can't think of anyone I ever knew with green eyes.
Though I do suspect I know who the character singing the song is supposed to be.
8. Their music simultaneously revels in the wonder of life while evoking the pain and loss inherent in the human condition.
7. I listen to "Everything's Not Lost" more than just about any other song. It's beautiful, sad, and it sets relatively low and attainable standards.
6. At least two songs with titles culled from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Do they know the way to my heart or what? If they mailed me Diet Pepsi and Mac & Cheese, I'd totally let them all do me.
5. I didn't think anyone remembered when I conquered the globe with my robots and was unceremoniously dethroned by those short-sighted FOOLS in the Justice League of America who used time traveling technology to not only wrestle control of the Earth from my grasp, but to make it so that, essentially, my reign never occurred. But then I heard "Viva la Vida" and I knew someone remembered.
4. Chris Martin and me would totally hang out and I could break the ice by mentioning how our last names are the same and I'd make some kind of "Oh look we could be brothers" joke and we'd both totally laugh and we'd hang out and do stuff like, all day, and then he'd be all like "Mick I am deep, but I think you are deep as well, we should hang out more and you can come on tour with us and even sing a song on stage if you want and maybe you should write songs for us and if I die in battle you can take over the band for me," and I'd be all like, "Cool."
3. Yeah, I saw The 40-Year-Old Virgin. I know the line. And they can SHUT UP AND DIE! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
2. Because I know I'm losing. Doesn't mean I've lost.
1. Because I know I'm hairy. Doesn't mean I'm hair.
(P.S. This is my 150th list. I know I promised some epic list for today, but I thought about the prospect of doing a top 150 list and then laughed a lot.)
10. I have no idea what their name means. If I don't know why a band's name is stupid, I can't make fun of it. Once I found out Soul Coughing named themselves after a line in a Neil Young poem, I lost some respect for them. Once I found out what "Pearl Jam" meant. Well. Ew.
9. "Green Eyes" turns me into a lovesick, blubbery, freshly pubertized girl. Even though I can't think of anyone I ever knew with green eyes.
Though I do suspect I know who the character singing the song is supposed to be.
8. Their music simultaneously revels in the wonder of life while evoking the pain and loss inherent in the human condition.
7. I listen to "Everything's Not Lost" more than just about any other song. It's beautiful, sad, and it sets relatively low and attainable standards.
6. At least two songs with titles culled from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Do they know the way to my heart or what? If they mailed me Diet Pepsi and Mac & Cheese, I'd totally let them all do me.
5. I didn't think anyone remembered when I conquered the globe with my robots and was unceremoniously dethroned by those short-sighted FOOLS in the Justice League of America who used time traveling technology to not only wrestle control of the Earth from my grasp, but to make it so that, essentially, my reign never occurred. But then I heard "Viva la Vida" and I knew someone remembered.
4. Chris Martin and me would totally hang out and I could break the ice by mentioning how our last names are the same and I'd make some kind of "Oh look we could be brothers" joke and we'd both totally laugh and we'd hang out and do stuff like, all day, and then he'd be all like "Mick I am deep, but I think you are deep as well, we should hang out more and you can come on tour with us and even sing a song on stage if you want and maybe you should write songs for us and if I die in battle you can take over the band for me," and I'd be all like, "Cool."
3. Yeah, I saw The 40-Year-Old Virgin. I know the line. And they can SHUT UP AND DIE! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
2. Because I know I'm losing. Doesn't mean I've lost.
1. Because I know I'm hairy. Doesn't mean I'm hair.
(P.S. This is my 150th list. I know I promised some epic list for today, but I thought about the prospect of doing a top 150 list and then laughed a lot.)
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Mick's Top 10 Pieces Of Advice For Obama During His Visit To Russia
10. Propose an Iron Man/Crimson Dynamo team up. The Russkies never get any panel time. They'll love that shit.
9. Give them a link to this list.
8. Digitally alter the film White Nights. Have Gregory Hines say any or all of the following lines to Mikhail Baryshnikov:
"I wish I understood your incredibly elegant-yet-manly form of dance."
"I defected to America because Russian women are so beautiful and your weather is so temperate."
"I can tell you're Russian because your penis is so much more impressive than mine, or any American's."
7. Polish jokes. Memorize them.
6. During diplomatically awkward moments, use any or all of the following phrases.
"What? Oh no, I beg my wife not to shave!"
"You have a Georgia? We have a Georgia! Whoa!"
"Hey, know who I hate? Nazis!"
5. Don't ask them where to find Santa's workshop. They find that very demeaning. And most of them forgot where he lives anyway.
4. Challenge Putin to Street Fighter. Make sure to win. But play as Zangief.
3. Don't apologize for Rocky IV. We've paid for our importation of Brigitte Nielsen, and they know it. In fact, you should probably see if you can get them to apologize for Drago killing Gregory Hines (they won't know the difference).
2. If you unintentionally offend your Russian hosts, as soon as you realize your mistake, yell "GODDAMNED GYPSIES!" and spit on the ground.
1. Bring, like, 120 pairs of jeans and just pass them around.
9. Give them a link to this list.
8. Digitally alter the film White Nights. Have Gregory Hines say any or all of the following lines to Mikhail Baryshnikov:
"I wish I understood your incredibly elegant-yet-manly form of dance."
"I defected to America because Russian women are so beautiful and your weather is so temperate."
"I can tell you're Russian because your penis is so much more impressive than mine, or any American's."
7. Polish jokes. Memorize them.
6. During diplomatically awkward moments, use any or all of the following phrases.
"What? Oh no, I beg my wife not to shave!"
"You have a Georgia? We have a Georgia! Whoa!"
"Hey, know who I hate? Nazis!"
5. Don't ask them where to find Santa's workshop. They find that very demeaning. And most of them forgot where he lives anyway.
4. Challenge Putin to Street Fighter. Make sure to win. But play as Zangief.
3. Don't apologize for Rocky IV. We've paid for our importation of Brigitte Nielsen, and they know it. In fact, you should probably see if you can get them to apologize for Drago killing Gregory Hines (they won't know the difference).
2. If you unintentionally offend your Russian hosts, as soon as you realize your mistake, yell "GODDAMNED GYPSIES!" and spit on the ground.
1. Bring, like, 120 pairs of jeans and just pass them around.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Top 10 Songs I Am Embarrassed To Admit Are On My Ipod
10. "Smooth Criminal" by Alien Ant Farm
(Only embarrassing because it's the one and only bit of postmortem Michael Jackson nostalgia I've indulged in.)
9. "Save Me" by Remy Zero
8. "The Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance
7. "Superman" by Five For Fighting
6. "Summerland" by Everclear
5. "We Don't Need Another Hero" by Tina Turner
4. The Glee version of "Don't Stop Believin'"
3. "Drops of Jupiter" by Train
2. "I'm Like A Bird" by Nelly Furtado
1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds
("Bitches Ain't Shit" isn't actually on my ipod right now and I wouldn't be embarrassed if it was - it's funny as hell, the Ben Folds version at least - but I decided a long time ago that this song had to be #1 for any Top 10 list involving individual songs, so if you don't like that, I'm sorry. But I'm like a bird. I don't know where my soul is. I don't know where my home is.)
(Only embarrassing because it's the one and only bit of postmortem Michael Jackson nostalgia I've indulged in.)
9. "Save Me" by Remy Zero
8. "The Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance
7. "Superman" by Five For Fighting
6. "Summerland" by Everclear
5. "We Don't Need Another Hero" by Tina Turner
4. The Glee version of "Don't Stop Believin'"
3. "Drops of Jupiter" by Train
2. "I'm Like A Bird" by Nelly Furtado
1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds
("Bitches Ain't Shit" isn't actually on my ipod right now and I wouldn't be embarrassed if it was - it's funny as hell, the Ben Folds version at least - but I decided a long time ago that this song had to be #1 for any Top 10 list involving individual songs, so if you don't like that, I'm sorry. But I'm like a bird. I don't know where my soul is. I don't know where my home is.)
Monday, July 6, 2009
Top 10 Thoughts On Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
10. If I pay to see a Transformers movie, I expect to see a bunch of giant robots beating the shit out of each other. I don't want to spend three hours watching Shia LeBeouf trying and failing to be funny.
9. I was a little boy when this franchise was young, and as such a number of things in the film were very disturbing to me. In particular, watching Optimus Prime blow the head off a wounded Decepticon after saying, all Dirty-Harry-like, "Any last words?" feels kind of like watching the Smurfs raid a Snork village and throw all their Snork babies off cliffs.
8. The formula for a Michael Bay film seems very simple. A) Violence. B) Tits. C) Melodramatic music that never, ever, EVER stops and, most importantly D) Black people are retarded, and that's why they're so funny.
7. Robot...GHOSTS? Really? I mean, really?
6. John Turturro, wtf?!?! Dude, tell the Coen brothers to give you a raise if you're this desperate. JESUS!
5. The film was preceded by a trailer for G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. So, believe it or not, the Transformers flick wasn't the only stupid thing I saw that night.
4. I saw it at a double feature, and it was followed by The Hangover. So the night wasn't a total loss.
3. Dear Michael Bay, perhaps you could've spent a little less time coming up with new ways to get Megan Fox to bend over, and put a bit of energy towards figuring out how to let your audience distinguish between the good giant robots and the bad giant robots. Most of the time I didn't know who to root for and who to boo. So I just cheered for the EndOfTheMoviePleaseComeSoon-obot.
2. One of the more interesting things about the movie was how easily the giant robots were killed. The final battle features lots of shots of Decepticons running at the humans who shoot them with nothing more high-tech than tank shells and bullets, and yet the human military manages to take them all pretty easily, including one of the big bad guys - Megatron. Couldn't help but wonder why the fuck these assholes were considered such big threats if they're so easy to kill. Why do we even need Autobots? Apparently, the squad from Aliens could take these guys out.
1. I saw it at the drive-in, without getting laid. Yet somehow, in ways that mattered, I'm pretty sure I got fucked.
9. I was a little boy when this franchise was young, and as such a number of things in the film were very disturbing to me. In particular, watching Optimus Prime blow the head off a wounded Decepticon after saying, all Dirty-Harry-like, "Any last words?" feels kind of like watching the Smurfs raid a Snork village and throw all their Snork babies off cliffs.
8. The formula for a Michael Bay film seems very simple. A) Violence. B) Tits. C) Melodramatic music that never, ever, EVER stops and, most importantly D) Black people are retarded, and that's why they're so funny.
7. Robot...GHOSTS? Really? I mean, really?
6. John Turturro, wtf?!?! Dude, tell the Coen brothers to give you a raise if you're this desperate. JESUS!
5. The film was preceded by a trailer for G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. So, believe it or not, the Transformers flick wasn't the only stupid thing I saw that night.
4. I saw it at a double feature, and it was followed by The Hangover. So the night wasn't a total loss.
3. Dear Michael Bay, perhaps you could've spent a little less time coming up with new ways to get Megan Fox to bend over, and put a bit of energy towards figuring out how to let your audience distinguish between the good giant robots and the bad giant robots. Most of the time I didn't know who to root for and who to boo. So I just cheered for the EndOfTheMoviePleaseComeSoon-obot.
2. One of the more interesting things about the movie was how easily the giant robots were killed. The final battle features lots of shots of Decepticons running at the humans who shoot them with nothing more high-tech than tank shells and bullets, and yet the human military manages to take them all pretty easily, including one of the big bad guys - Megatron. Couldn't help but wonder why the fuck these assholes were considered such big threats if they're so easy to kill. Why do we even need Autobots? Apparently, the squad from Aliens could take these guys out.
1. I saw it at the drive-in, without getting laid. Yet somehow, in ways that mattered, I'm pretty sure I got fucked.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Top 10 Reasons I'm Thankful For Our Independence
10. Without our rebellion against Britain, we wouldn't have The Patriot, and thus would have one less Mel Gibson film about how the human spirit can conquer any obstacle as long as you're covered head-to-toe in blood (and not Jewish, unless you're Peter Pan. I mean Jesus).
9. If we were British, we would occasionally be under terrorist siege from a foreign power we've bullied
9. If we were British we wouldn't have freed the sla
9. Without independence, we wouldn't have had the Civil War. Without the Civil War, we wouldn't have as many reasons to feel superior to the South. With less reasons to feel superior to the South, I might feel bad about wanting to push this face into a wall -
8. Traffic Circles.
7. Marmite.
6. If we were still part of Britain, they never would've bothered to make an American version of The Office.
5. Superheroes. There would be no Captain America. Spider-Man wouldn't have any skyscrapers to swing from, so he'd just have to hop a lot. And Bruce Banner would turn into a giant, green beast that was just...occasionally rude.
4. We would sometimes be ruled by dictators and religious fanatics
4. ONLY English Punk. No Misifts, Ramones, Bad Brains, Black Flag, Dead Kennedys...they might let us keep Green Day.
3. We would mispronounce so many words. Like "aluminum" and "controversy" and "bread."
2. It's always weird to hear English people sing with what sounds like American accents. On the other hand you don't hear Americans singing with English accents (again, Green Day may be an exception). I think that's a pretty clear sign that we made the right choice.
1. Without the Declaration of Independence, the first National Treasure film would just seem stupid.
1. World War II. Without the existence of the USA, there wouldn't have been a large world power that decided to not jump into a European war right away. Without that delay, when trying to blame someone for the bombing of Britain, the English might have to admit that declaring a war on someone and then not doing anything for an entire year is pretty fucking stupid. This might force them to look into their own misshapen-tooth-filled mirrors when seeking someone to blame for their own fuck-ups, rather than saying "You yanks took yer time now dintcha?" Or, conversely, at this late hour, they might consider blaming the Germans.
9. Without independence, we wouldn't have had the Civil War. Without the Civil War, we wouldn't have as many reasons to feel superior to the South. With less reasons to feel superior to the South, I might feel bad about wanting to push this face into a wall -
8. Traffic Circles.
7. Marmite.
6. If we were still part of Britain, they never would've bothered to make an American version of The Office.
5. Superheroes. There would be no Captain America. Spider-Man wouldn't have any skyscrapers to swing from, so he'd just have to hop a lot. And Bruce Banner would turn into a giant, green beast that was just...occasionally rude.
4. ONLY English Punk. No Misifts, Ramones, Bad Brains, Black Flag, Dead Kennedys...they might let us keep Green Day.
3. We would mispronounce so many words. Like "aluminum" and "controversy" and "bread."
2. It's always weird to hear English people sing with what sounds like American accents. On the other hand you don't hear Americans singing with English accents (again, Green Day may be an exception). I think that's a pretty clear sign that we made the right choice.
1. World War II. Without the existence of the USA, there wouldn't have been a large world power that decided to not jump into a European war right away. Without that delay, when trying to blame someone for the bombing of Britain, the English might have to admit that declaring a war on someone and then not doing anything for an entire year is pretty fucking stupid. This might force them to look into their own misshapen-tooth-filled mirrors when seeking someone to blame for their own fuck-ups, rather than saying "You yanks took yer time now dintcha?" Or, conversely, at this late hour, they might consider blaming the Germans.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Top 10 Whatever Fuck You
10. Fuck you.
9. Insert the fuck you in the round fuck you marked H in the fuck you.
8. Continue to fuck you until you see a fuck you.
7. Refer to the fuck you for more fuck you.
6. Fuck you.
5. Connect the fuck you to the fuck you using the fuck you found in the fuck you.
4. Store the fuck you in a cool, dry fuck you.
3. Fuck you.
2. Once the fuck you is ready, fuck you.
1. Congratulations.
9. Insert the fuck you in the round fuck you marked H in the fuck you.
8. Continue to fuck you until you see a fuck you.
7. Refer to the fuck you for more fuck you.
6. Fuck you.
5. Connect the fuck you to the fuck you using the fuck you found in the fuck you.
4. Store the fuck you in a cool, dry fuck you.
3. Fuck you.
2. Once the fuck you is ready, fuck you.
1. Congratulations.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Top 10 Solutions To The New York Senate BS
10. Ninjas.
9. Have Governor Paterson enforce daily nap times.
8. Remind all these rich lawyers that they aren't getting any younger, their contracts with The Guy Downstairs are going to be up soon, so they may as well try passing a law or two before their eternal sunbathing sessions begin on the Blasted, Fiery Plains of Was-It-Really-Worth-It.
7. Burn down every house in Massachusetts, Connecticut and Florida worth more than $500,000. With nowhere to sleep, the senators will have no choice but to stay in session.
6. Do what my brother does with his kids. Hide the power-sharing agreement in a wadded up piece of bread and put the bread in their spaghetti. They won't even notice it.
5. Put them all in the same cop movie, kill off all their partners, and have the precinct captain make them team up. As they face life-or-death situations that force them to put aside their differences, they just might learn that they're more alike than they thought.
4. Close down all the golf courses in the state until they work this out.
3. Go all Noriega on them. Lock the doors of the Capitol shut and blast Poison and Bon Jovi until they take care of things.
2. To hell with 'em. I've been waiting for my chance. Give me a few robots and a moon laser, and Daddy will be here for you.
1. Petition all law enforcement agencies to cease any and all crackdowns on prostitution in New York State. Senators on both sides will be more relaxed and affable in no time.
9. Have Governor Paterson enforce daily nap times.
8. Remind all these rich lawyers that they aren't getting any younger, their contracts with The Guy Downstairs are going to be up soon, so they may as well try passing a law or two before their eternal sunbathing sessions begin on the Blasted, Fiery Plains of Was-It-Really-Worth-It.
7. Burn down every house in Massachusetts, Connecticut and Florida worth more than $500,000. With nowhere to sleep, the senators will have no choice but to stay in session.
6. Do what my brother does with his kids. Hide the power-sharing agreement in a wadded up piece of bread and put the bread in their spaghetti. They won't even notice it.
5. Put them all in the same cop movie, kill off all their partners, and have the precinct captain make them team up. As they face life-or-death situations that force them to put aside their differences, they just might learn that they're more alike than they thought.
4. Close down all the golf courses in the state until they work this out.
3. Go all Noriega on them. Lock the doors of the Capitol shut and blast Poison and Bon Jovi until they take care of things.
2. To hell with 'em. I've been waiting for my chance. Give me a few robots and a moon laser, and Daddy will be here for you.
1. Petition all law enforcement agencies to cease any and all crackdowns on prostitution in New York State. Senators on both sides will be more relaxed and affable in no time.
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