10. If you sing about someone's vanity, then yes, that song is actually about them. What's confusing us here?
9. What does it matter if, when you drink alone, you prefer to drink by yourself? What are you telling us here? How can you drink alone without being by yourself? Are you trying to tell us that you're always alone? Are you trying to make a kind of lonely alcoholic empowering statement, like, you're alone because you prefer to be, or are you just drunk?
8. Tidal waves don't spin over your head. Whirlpools spin. Dumb ass.
7. No, John, sorry. You really do need more than love.
6. You know, most cities have green grass and pretty girls. Like, even crappy cities. Like Utica.
5. I don't know what your problem is with Scrubs but it's an awesome show. I totally lawl. Go set some more bathtubs on fire, retard.
4. I don't understand why a song whose basic message is "you're not always able to fuck who you want to fuck, but there should be someone around drunk enough," requires a boys choir in the background. If it were a Michael Jackson song then, sure, I'd get it. But it wasn't.
3. "Pink, it's my favorite crayon"? Dude. If you've been in the same band for over thirty years and you start borrowing the lyrical styles of Adam Sandler, it's time to give up. Live off your daughter's elf money. It's okay. Silverstone will be able to find work without you.
2. "Hey There Delilah" is stupid. I'd find a more clever way to say that, but I have to get ready for work.
1. This.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Top 10 Favorite Things About My New Monthly Night Work Trips to Great Barrington
10. Feelings of self-righteousness towards masses of the kind of pseudo-liberal, rich fucks who think "antique" should be used as a verb.
9. Overtime.
8. It's truly rare to find someone who loves what they do, and all the lecturers have one thing in common - they love to talk. For a long. Long. Long. Time.
7. My presence in Great Barrington is something akin to magic. As soon as I cross its borders, the populace is united. I find the high school where the lecture is taking place, set up my recording equipment in the lecture hall, and as I work the entirety of GB stands outside the lecture hall discussing one thing - how many questions they can come up with for me that I don't know the answer to and don't care about.
6. The people of Great Barrington are a truly evolved species. They have moved beyond any kind of understanding of common sense or body language. For example, if I am obviously working on my recording equipment, if I am wearing headphones and listening intently to them, and if I in fact have a job whose primary requirement is that my sense of hearing be directed at one specific thing; it's very likely that all of these things going on at the same time would signal - to the knuckle-dragging legions of the savage races - that I'm listening to what I'm listening to because I have to, because it's my job, and because it's very likely things could go wrong if I don't. But the people of Great Barrington have moved beyond such rudimentary communication, so much so that they don't even comprehend it. They will come up to me and ask me where the best seat in the place is, whether or not the seat over there is taken, whether it's okay if they plug their personal recorders into the sound board, whose sweater that is over on that chair, where the speakers are so they can sit near them, what channel they can get my station on in Pittsfield, or just to swagger up to me stupidly and say nothing but, "So...you're the sound guy, huh?"
5. According to Rage Against The Machine, anger is a gift. If so, Christmas came motherfucking early.
4. Country roads are so fucking boring when you can actually see where they go.
3. When you can't see where country roads are going, you get to see many more country roads.
2. If the car breaks down on a Great Barrington Road and I'm accosted and raped by Great Barrington bumpkins, I will at least know that after their assault they will give me tips on where to find the best covered bridges, which antique stores in the area are the best, and great stories about how they almost made it to Woodstock.
1. The end of the return trip is the only time I'm ever happy to see Arbor Hill.
9. Overtime.
8. It's truly rare to find someone who loves what they do, and all the lecturers have one thing in common - they love to talk. For a long. Long. Long. Time.
7. My presence in Great Barrington is something akin to magic. As soon as I cross its borders, the populace is united. I find the high school where the lecture is taking place, set up my recording equipment in the lecture hall, and as I work the entirety of GB stands outside the lecture hall discussing one thing - how many questions they can come up with for me that I don't know the answer to and don't care about.
6. The people of Great Barrington are a truly evolved species. They have moved beyond any kind of understanding of common sense or body language. For example, if I am obviously working on my recording equipment, if I am wearing headphones and listening intently to them, and if I in fact have a job whose primary requirement is that my sense of hearing be directed at one specific thing; it's very likely that all of these things going on at the same time would signal - to the knuckle-dragging legions of the savage races - that I'm listening to what I'm listening to because I have to, because it's my job, and because it's very likely things could go wrong if I don't. But the people of Great Barrington have moved beyond such rudimentary communication, so much so that they don't even comprehend it. They will come up to me and ask me where the best seat in the place is, whether or not the seat over there is taken, whether it's okay if they plug their personal recorders into the sound board, whose sweater that is over on that chair, where the speakers are so they can sit near them, what channel they can get my station on in Pittsfield, or just to swagger up to me stupidly and say nothing but, "So...you're the sound guy, huh?"
5. According to Rage Against The Machine, anger is a gift. If so, Christmas came motherfucking early.
4. Country roads are so fucking boring when you can actually see where they go.
3. When you can't see where country roads are going, you get to see many more country roads.
2. If the car breaks down on a Great Barrington Road and I'm accosted and raped by Great Barrington bumpkins, I will at least know that after their assault they will give me tips on where to find the best covered bridges, which antique stores in the area are the best, and great stories about how they almost made it to Woodstock.
1. The end of the return trip is the only time I'm ever happy to see Arbor Hill.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Top 10 Things I Learned Yesterday While Rearranging My Apartment
10. Playing Buffy the Vampire Slayer in the background while I work on something is surprisingly helpful, and I can get through almost an entire season in one day.
9. It is possible to live without a "Fuck It" Closet (i.e., a closet specifically for those times when you really want to put something somewhere that keeps everything organized, you can't find a place, so you say "Fuck It" and throw it in, trying to simultaneously stop the various sleeping bags, Christmas presents, pillows, seasonal clothing, and broken medical equipment you've already stuffed in there from falling out as you open the door).
8. If there are productive things you want to do with your computer, and you tend to find it difficult to motivate yourself to do them, one possible solution is to move your computer so that it is NOT in the same room as your bed.
7. There's always shit I forgot to put somewhere. And once I put it somewhere, there will be more shit.
6. The talking Hulk Hands I bought in 2003 still work.
5. Lots of things, regardless of The Force, don't move until you get up and move them.
4. In spite of the fact that I've only lived in my current apartment for 8 months, I have moved my TV, DVD player, and stereo from my living room to my bedroom and back to my living room at least 4 times at this point.
3. I own more unused and unusable power cords than a Radio Shack on fire.
2. Even though the cord from my cable modem to my computer is long enough, using a computer in a different room than that of the aforementioned modem feels dirty. It works, but it just feels wrong. Like smoking a cigarette in an outdoor mall.
1. If I actually do what I planned to do on a particular day, then the thing I planned to have done on that day gets done.
9. It is possible to live without a "Fuck It" Closet (i.e., a closet specifically for those times when you really want to put something somewhere that keeps everything organized, you can't find a place, so you say "Fuck It" and throw it in, trying to simultaneously stop the various sleeping bags, Christmas presents, pillows, seasonal clothing, and broken medical equipment you've already stuffed in there from falling out as you open the door).
8. If there are productive things you want to do with your computer, and you tend to find it difficult to motivate yourself to do them, one possible solution is to move your computer so that it is NOT in the same room as your bed.
7. There's always shit I forgot to put somewhere. And once I put it somewhere, there will be more shit.
6. The talking Hulk Hands I bought in 2003 still work.
5. Lots of things, regardless of The Force, don't move until you get up and move them.
4. In spite of the fact that I've only lived in my current apartment for 8 months, I have moved my TV, DVD player, and stereo from my living room to my bedroom and back to my living room at least 4 times at this point.
3. I own more unused and unusable power cords than a Radio Shack on fire.
2. Even though the cord from my cable modem to my computer is long enough, using a computer in a different room than that of the aforementioned modem feels dirty. It works, but it just feels wrong. Like smoking a cigarette in an outdoor mall.
1. If I actually do what I planned to do on a particular day, then the thing I planned to have done on that day gets done.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Top 10 Messages To My Nephew On His 5th Birthday
10. Your name could've been "Finbar". We yelled at your Dad a lot. You're welcome.
9. Hey, if you want some REAL money, keep the toys in their packages. Well. At least some of them.
8. Learn to sleep in busy-looking poses. School and work will be much more rewarding.
7. Hulk is the strongest one there is. Don't question it. Just know it.
6. You'll start to learn jokes soon. There are a lot of potentially offensive subjects you'll want to avoid. Just remember that no one ever minds when you make fun of Polish people.
5. The secret of playing Six Degrees of Separation is Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Everyone forgets it was Kevin Bacon racing Steve Martin for the taxi in the beginning. Only go to JFK if you have to, cuz, like, everyone's in that movie. Go there if you have to, but it's the pussy move.
4. You are probably going to eventually think a particular entertainer is a rebellious genius. They are going to overdose on narcotics, blow their heads off, hang themselves, or find some other way to get themselves killed. Be prepared for it.
3. Whenever you go into a hotel or motel, turn on the TV and look for Law & Order. If you can't find an episode of it within an hour of entering the room, you have entered an alternate dimension where everyone's lizards and there's no Law & Order. Bar the doors and load your gun, they'll be coming for you soon.
2. A large percentage of the people your parents direct you to call "uncle" or "aunt" aren't actually related. Remember that. Me. REAL uncle. ME. ME.
1. Walk without rhythm. Tell Fatboy Slim to kiss your ass.
9. Hey, if you want some REAL money, keep the toys in their packages. Well. At least some of them.
8. Learn to sleep in busy-looking poses. School and work will be much more rewarding.
7. Hulk is the strongest one there is. Don't question it. Just know it.
6. You'll start to learn jokes soon. There are a lot of potentially offensive subjects you'll want to avoid. Just remember that no one ever minds when you make fun of Polish people.
5. The secret of playing Six Degrees of Separation is Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Everyone forgets it was Kevin Bacon racing Steve Martin for the taxi in the beginning. Only go to JFK if you have to, cuz, like, everyone's in that movie. Go there if you have to, but it's the pussy move.
4. You are probably going to eventually think a particular entertainer is a rebellious genius. They are going to overdose on narcotics, blow their heads off, hang themselves, or find some other way to get themselves killed. Be prepared for it.
3. Whenever you go into a hotel or motel, turn on the TV and look for Law & Order. If you can't find an episode of it within an hour of entering the room, you have entered an alternate dimension where everyone's lizards and there's no Law & Order. Bar the doors and load your gun, they'll be coming for you soon.
2. A large percentage of the people your parents direct you to call "uncle" or "aunt" aren't actually related. Remember that. Me. REAL uncle. ME. ME.
1. Walk without rhythm. Tell Fatboy Slim to kiss your ass.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Top 10 Things You Should Know About The Upcoming Wolverine Film
10. Apparently, Wolverine was alive during World War II, at which point he saved Private Ryan.
9. Yep. you guessed it. Even Wolverine fucked Ben Franklin.
8. Wolverine was not only alive in World War II, but World War I! He's not looking forward to World War III. It will make just as much money and have better special effects, but still suck.
7. He was alive during the Ice Age, at which point the Hulk kicked his ass.
6. You know that "hobbit" body they found? Yep. Wolverine fucked him too.
5. He's so old, he actually remembers when the successful formula for a super-hero franchise was more than "let's just have him kill guys and be an asshole."
4. He's so old, he remembers when Stan Lee first started making up the bullshit stories he tells now about how all of Marvel's ideas were his. EXCELSIOR!
3. He was alive during many comic-cons, at which point he did not get laid.
2. Wolverine often reminisces about the ancient days when having 10 gigs of storage memory was, like, a whole lot!
1. Wolverine was alive during the rule of the Roman Empire, at which point the Hulk kicked his ass.
9. Yep. you guessed it. Even Wolverine fucked Ben Franklin.
8. Wolverine was not only alive in World War II, but World War I! He's not looking forward to World War III. It will make just as much money and have better special effects, but still suck.
7. He was alive during the Ice Age, at which point the Hulk kicked his ass.
6. You know that "hobbit" body they found? Yep. Wolverine fucked him too.
5. He's so old, he actually remembers when the successful formula for a super-hero franchise was more than "let's just have him kill guys and be an asshole."
4. He's so old, he remembers when Stan Lee first started making up the bullshit stories he tells now about how all of Marvel's ideas were his. EXCELSIOR!
3. He was alive during many comic-cons, at which point he did not get laid.
2. Wolverine often reminisces about the ancient days when having 10 gigs of storage memory was, like, a whole lot!
1. Wolverine was alive during the rule of the Roman Empire, at which point the Hulk kicked his ass.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Top 10 Worst Ways To STOP Obsessing Over The Online Game You Can't Play Yet
10. Constantly searching for youtube videos of the new intro quest line with the sweet new class and all the sweet new pets like the big rhino and the t-rexes and the glowy cat.
9. Spending two days writing roleplay backstories for every playable race in the game, both genders, only ONE of which you will use IF you even get to play the game anytime in the near future.
8. Copying and pasting the of the history of the game world into a word document and printing it out to read for no particular reason.
7. Glen Danzig.
6. Constantly posting on your former guild's forum MORE THAN ANY SINGLE OTHER MEMBER WHO IS ACTUALLY PRESENTLY PLAYING THE FUCKING GAME.
5. Making daily trips to the wiki dedicated to the game in question to read all about the neat things you can't see yet.
4. Being me.
3. Covering the night shift for a week so you pretty much have nothing to do but surf the web and find out about more cool stuff you can't do.
2. Blasting Haddaway's "What Is Love" during your night shift. It helps for about 4 minutes, but then you're back to the reality where you're obsessed with playing a game you can't play yet.
1. Porn.
9. Spending two days writing roleplay backstories for every playable race in the game, both genders, only ONE of which you will use IF you even get to play the game anytime in the near future.
8. Copying and pasting the of the history of the game world into a word document and printing it out to read for no particular reason.
7. Glen Danzig.
6. Constantly posting on your former guild's forum MORE THAN ANY SINGLE OTHER MEMBER WHO IS ACTUALLY PRESENTLY PLAYING THE FUCKING GAME.
5. Making daily trips to the wiki dedicated to the game in question to read all about the neat things you can't see yet.
4. Being me.
3. Covering the night shift for a week so you pretty much have nothing to do but surf the web and find out about more cool stuff you can't do.
2. Blasting Haddaway's "What Is Love" during your night shift. It helps for about 4 minutes, but then you're back to the reality where you're obsessed with playing a game you can't play yet.
1. Porn.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Top 10 Things I Just Fucking LOVE About My Temporary Return To The Night Shift
10. There are so many cool videos on youtube about Wrath of the Lich King, so I get constant reminders of what I'm missing.
9. Last time I worked this shift, I had access to a car and so foolishly discarded the idea of walking home alone at 5 in the morning through a high crime area.
8. Getting to watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report again.
7. Once it's over, at the beginning of next week, I will experience that wonderful Christmas-morning-like anticipation about finding out whether my return to the province of the sun will cause me to burst into flames, or if some nosy reporter has figured out I'm Batman.
6. Playing cards with the mice. Ratty's a cheating motherfucker, but Squeaky will put out for any kind of cheese at all. She's a muenster slut.
5. I love seeing and talking to no one. It really strengthens my personal connections to the my workplace and the world overall.
4. Glen Danzig.
3. Thinking about the early morning employees walking in and wondering who could have possibly left the mouth-watering aroma of freshly-nuked microwave popcorn in the air.
2. Overtime.
1. C-SPAN.
9. Last time I worked this shift, I had access to a car and so foolishly discarded the idea of walking home alone at 5 in the morning through a high crime area.
8. Getting to watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report again.
7. Once it's over, at the beginning of next week, I will experience that wonderful Christmas-morning-like anticipation about finding out whether my return to the province of the sun will cause me to burst into flames, or if some nosy reporter has figured out I'm Batman.
6. Playing cards with the mice. Ratty's a cheating motherfucker, but Squeaky will put out for any kind of cheese at all. She's a muenster slut.
5. I love seeing and talking to no one. It really strengthens my personal connections to the my workplace and the world overall.
4. Glen Danzig.
3. Thinking about the early morning employees walking in and wondering who could have possibly left the mouth-watering aroma of freshly-nuked microwave popcorn in the air.
2. Overtime.
1. C-SPAN.
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