Top 10 Reasons Why The Incredible Hulk Should Have Been In Lord of the Rings

10. Hulk jumps = much shorter trip to Mordor.

9. Hulk vs. Sauron. Hulk wins.

8. The siege of Gondor. Hulk has shrugged off bullets, tank shells, missiles, and nuclear blasts. I don't think a bunch of swords and spears and punk rock elephants would've posed much of a challenge.

7. Hulk vs. Balrog. Hulk wins.

6. Hulk is cool. Dwarves are cool. Dwarves and Hulk would totally get along. So the orcs and the balrog would never have taken over Moria because the Hulk would've smashed them all. The Fellowship would've arrived at Moria to much alcohol and meat. And advances from short women with beards. Problem solved. Though dwarf syphilis would run rampant.

5. Would give the Hulk another chance to beat the shit out of Iron Man. This would not have helped the Fellowship, but I would've enjoyed it.

4. Hulk vs. Legolas. Hulk wins. Shield-surfing scene never happens.

3. Hulk could've brought along She-Hulk, which would've helped stem all the gay jokes about the sausage party Fellowship.

2. Hulk would've smashed the ship that brought Gandalf, the elves, and Frodo to the Grey Havens. Then he would've realized this would mean he'd have to hang out with the elves more. Then he would've smashed the elves. The lack of elves would cancel Christmas, which would do away with a capitalist holiday that causes more harm than good.

1. The Ring corrupts through the promise of power. If you gave The Ring to Hulk, it would be like using casual sex to tempt a rock star. The Hulk is already the strongest one there is, and so the Ring would have no effect.

Top 10 Worst Discrepancies Between the Lord of the Rings Books And Films

10. The savage men of Rohan. Now these guys were in the film, but for the life of me, I have no idea why. There's a scene that shows them swearing fealty to Saruman, and he gives them a big speech to get them all fired up. And then they proceed to have pretty much nothing to do with the unfolding story. In the books, the savage men fight on the side of the orcs at Helm's Deep, and afterwards they actually make peace with Theoden after years of conflict, and you're made to think it's a pretty significant moment in Rohan's history. But none of that was in the film, so I just don't get why they were in it at all, other than to give Peter Jackson yet another cameo. Not a huge complaint, but I think it was an example of where Jackson and co. failed to either shit or get off the pot.

9. Balin and Gloin. Gloin and Balin were two of the dwarves that accompanied Bilbo on his journeys in The Hobbit. While Gloin is not mentioned during the film version of The Council of Elrond (except when Elrond says "Gimli, son of Gloin"), in the books he is one of the dwarves in the Council (and actually has a lot more dialogue in that scene than Gimli), and since Gimli is accompanied by other anonymous dwarves in the film scene, it's likely one of those faceless shorties is supposed to be Gloin. Balin is the dead dwarf whose tomb the Fellowship finds in Moria. And in the book, it is made clear that a couple of Bilbo's other former companions died in Moria (unless I'm mistaken, the journal Gandalf reads from mentions one of them being killed by the big octopus thing in the water at the entrance). The fact that these characters actually played significant parts in the story preceding Fellowship, and therefore the story of the Ring itself, and that this connection isn't mentioned at all, is a little disappointing, especially since we do see both Gimli and Gandalf clearly upset about Balin's death. Not a huge complaint, but just a little disappointing.

8. Merry, Pippin, and Gimli. I think the respective actors playing these roles did fine jobs. Still, I was disappointed that all three basically became nothing but comic relief in the films. I have less of a complaint with Gimli, because honestly in the books his character is no more distinguishable from that of any other dwarf than Legolas's is from any other elf, but Merry and Pippin have a bit more going for them. But in the films they pretty much became R2D2 and C3P0. One thing people who haven't read the books might be surprised to learn, for example, is the manner in which they join Frodo on his journeys is a lot different in Tolkien's version. As I mentioned in yesterday's list, in the books there's a span of twenty years between the time Bilbo leaves the Shire and when Frodo leaves the Shire. And Frodo takes a LOT of time to prepare for his journey. Specifically, he does a lot of things to hide the fact that he's leaving on a journey, and he buys a house closer to the borders of the Shire to help explain his absence from Bag End. Merry and Pippin are brought along just to help him move initially, but eventually they figure out what's going on and volunteer to help get Frodo to Rivendell. It's a lot different from just having them tag along after nearly tumbling into a pile of horse shit.

7. Saruman's death (or lack thereof). While we get to see Saruman bite the big one in the extended version of Return of the King, he's completely absent from the theatrical version. And that just plain sucked. He pretty much was the only major villain with an actual body that we got in the first two films, and we were just left hanging about what happened to him? Not to mention the fact that Pippin's discovery of the Palanthir makes no sense without Saruman's death scene. I mean, what the fuck are we supposed to think? Saruman was like all, "Dude, look at all that water! I'm pissed! I'm gonna throw stuff into it! Including the most powerful glowy thing I own! That'll show 'em!"

6. The wizards' staves. Maybe I'm just stupid, but I've read Lord of the Rings three times, and I never got any kind of sense that the wizards' staves were supposed to be the focus of their powers. I get that Jackson didn't want to have them doing things like shooting lasers and bolts of lightning, because that would look pretty cheesy. But still, these guys aren't wizards in the sense that Dungeons & Dragons magic-users are wizards. They aren't just normal guys who read a lot of freaky shit. They're basically demi-gods. Having their staves be some kind of center for their power made no sense to me.

5. The eagles. One thing that didn't come through as strongly in the movies as it did in the books was the idea that on Middle Earth animals are both sentient and intelligent. The result is that I think a lot of people didn't get the involvement of the eagles. When Gandalf talks to that little moth on top of Orthanc (Saruman's tower, where he was being held hostage), he isn't summoning the eagles for help, he's basically asking an old bud for a favor. And when the eagles show up at the end to kick some ring-wraith ass, Gandalf doesn't summon them, they show up on their own because they understand the gravity of the situation. But the way it was handled in the film made it look like they were just something Gandalf could summon any time he wanted to, which led to the question of why he didn't just have one of them carry the Ring to Mount Doom and drop the fucking thing in.

4. The broken staircase in Moria. A lot of people dug this scene. I didn't. It was okay up to a point, and led to the funny "NOT THE BEARD!" line from Gimli, but watching Aragorn and Frodo surf on a giant broken stone staircase just looked stupid to me.

3. Denethor. I just felt this guy wasn't handled with any sympathy. We never learn, for example, that Denethor was in possession of a Palanthir (the same swirly, crystal ball thing Saruman had), and that it was largely the Palanthir that drove him insane. Not to mention the fact that the responsibility he shoulders is pretty immense. It is basically the city he rules that stands between Middle Earth and absolute destruction. And as I mentioned before on another list, having Gandalf bonk him on the head with his staff was just so many kinds of dumb. I don't care how crazy he was. Every Gondorian soldier in sight would've skewered Gandalf's bearded ass if they had seen him do that.

2. Boromir. Sean Bean did a wonderful job, but he did a wonderful job with a character who was a pale imitation of Boromir. The Boromir of the books was flawed, definitely, but he was brave and was clearly shown to be one of the most powerful warriors of the Fellowship, maybe THE most powerful. The way he was handled in the film lets you know right off the bat that he's going to turn to the dark side. Yeah, he redeems himself in the end, but his death just doesn't seem to hold as much weight because you always knew it was going to happen. It's interesting to think about this when you watch the extended versions of Fellowship and Two Towers. A lot of the scenes that were cut were ones that showed Boromir in a much kinder light. For example, there's a scene in the extended Fellowship that shows the group right after Gandalf's "death" in Moria. They're sitting around in one of the elven tree stands in the forest, because the elves are arguing with Aragorn about whether or not to let them through. In the meantime, you see the assembled members of the group giving Frodo these sideways glances, and you get the idea that maybe they're secretly blaming Frodo for Gandalf's death. Boromir is the only one to say anything comforting to Frodo - "You carry a great burden, Frodo. Do not carry the weight of the dead." Likewise, towards the end of the film there's an argument between Boromir and Aragorn about where to bring the Ring, and for once Boromir actually starts making more sense than Aragorn. A flashback sequence was cut from Two Towers as well, in which we see - among other things - Boromir defending Faramir from their abusive, overbearing father. I understand why they were cut. I assume Jackson and co., strapped for time, felt they shouldn't invest so much in a character who wouldn't survive the first film. Still, as a Tolkien fan, it's a shame.

1. Legolas surfboarding on a shield down the steps of Helm's Deep while shooting orcs. Do I need to explain the stupid of this? Do I need to talk about the unfortunate influence Orlando Bloom's experience with a certain Disney franchise had on Lord of the Rings? I don't think so.

Top 10 Best Discrepancies Between the Lord of the Rings Books And Films

10. The absence of Tom Bombadil. Unlike a lot of Tolkien fans who read the books before the release of the films, I really couldn't have given two shits about this character's presence in the adaptation of Fellowship. The main reason for his exclusion seems fairly obvious. It's the same reason for the time discrepancy between the books and the films (for those who have never read the books, or maybe have read them but have forgotten, somewhere around twenty years are supposed to pass between the time of Bilbo's birthday party and when Frodo finally leaves the Shire with Sam, Merry, and Pippin). Jackson and co. were trying to create a sense of urgency. The hobbits have the ring - which basically puts a big honking target on their backs - and nine of the most dangerous creatures ever to walk middle-earth, the ring wraiths, are on their tail. Maintaining that desperate sense of urgency in a film would be next to impossible if you decide to stage a little interlude in which the hobbits hang out with some cheery fat guy who dances around forests and sings to trees. And while Bombadil seems important to the overall Tolkien mythology, when it comes to the actual story of the Ring, he's a pretty minor character. Even peripheral characters like Radagast the Brown, the Sackville Bagginses, and Glorfindel are more directly important to the story than fat ol' Tom.

9. The battle between the Rohirrim and the Worg riders in The Two Towers. There was no such fight in the book, and I was happy to see it in the film mainly because of another discrepancy. In the books, the Fellowship fight a ravenous pack of worgs right before they go into Moria. In fact, the presence of the worgs is one of the main reasons why they decide to brave Moria. Since that fight wasn't in the first film - and since they had little to nothing to do with the rest of the story - I was afraid that we wouldn't get any worgie goodness at all in any of the flicks (there were a few in Return of the King during the siege of Gondor, but not many).

8. The Council of Elrond. This scene, in the book, is long. Arguably, too long. Maybe. I don't know. Depends on your tastes. Definitely not the best written portion of the books. You find out a lot of cool stuff about what's going on in the world that isn't 100% directly relevant to the story. But if you're someone like me who enjoys learning about the peripheral stuff in Tolkien's world, it's pretty cool. But still, translated word-for-word on screen it wouldn't have worked. I mean, even if they cut half the stuff out it would've been too long. For example, one of the biggest differences between this scene in the book and the film is that in the book, neither Elrond nor anyone else summoned all these people to Rivendell. They all just kind of end up showing up at the same time for different reasons. Boromir's there because of a prophetic dream. The dwarves are there because Sauron's people have been knocking on their doors and trying to turn them to the dark side, while at the same time while they don't know exactly what's happened in Moria, they've lost contact with Moria and are worried about their fellow shorties. The way it's done in the film comes out much more smoothly. The one difference I'm not sure about is Bilbo's absence. Though his presence in the Council isn't really, really important or anything, it does show a lot about his character and his continued obsession with the ring when he volunteers to take the ring to Mordor himself.

7. Aerwyn. Her character is just a little blip on the screen in the books. I thought the long-distance love story turned out quite nicely, and her character simply meant a lot more in the films. I am glad that Jackson and co. didn't go as far as they originally intended, however. According to the behind-the-scenes stuff in the extended editions, Jackson actually filmed scenes in which Aerwyn showed up at Helm's Deep in The Two Towers with the rest of the elf contingent. That would've been going way too far. Plus, if Aerwyn had been at Helm's Deep, how would you explain her going away after being reunited with Aragorn? And if she didn't go away, how could you have that nice, gooey reunion in Minas Tirith at the end?

6. The Scouring of the Shire. I think this is another place where I differ with a lot of Tolkien fans. In the books, the four hobbits return to the Shire to learn that a bunch of evil humans have taken over the Shire and have essentially enslaved the populace. The leader of the humans is eventually revealed to be Saruman. Now, unlike Bombadil, I do think the Scouring is important to the story because the four hobbits are able to handle the situation without any "big folk" to help them, and it shows just how much they've changed since they left. It also shows that even their idyllic little slice of heaven could be corrupted by the evil that was threatening the rest of Middle Earth. Still, its absence in the films was necessary mainly for two reasons. First, after the siege of Gondor, the battle at the Black Gate, and the destruction of the Ring, "Riot in Hobbit Town" couldn't have seemed like anything BUT anticlimax. Second, dude, do you know how long I'd been holding in my pee by that point already? Forget it.

5. Bree. In the book, there's a lot more stuff that happens in Bree. There's this whole drama involving a guy who's basically been bribed by the ring wraiths, there's the story of how Sam gets his mule, a story about the innkeeper and his connection with Gandalf, and some of it is kind of neat. Still, the movie would've been something like a half hour longer with all of it in there. And there are a few things that happen in Bree in the books that are just plain stupid. For example, one of the hobbits (either Merry or Pippin, I forget which, though I think it's Merry) end up running into a couple of the ring wraiths, and they cast some spell on him that puts him to sleep...for no discernible reason. They don't follow him to his buddies once he wakes up, they just put him to sleep. Kind of makes you wonder why they didn't just cut the little shit in half. It's kind of silly. I never got that.

4. The love affair between Legolas and Boromir. I just always skipped that part of the books. Not trying to be narrow-minded, it was just icky. And I don't care if he's an elf, I don't see how he could have that many piercings down there.

3. All of Elrond's martial arts fights with Neo. I just never thought they were relevant. Figured they should make a whole separate movie for that.

2. How Tolkien told the stories of The Two Towers and Return of the King. In the books, Tolkien completely separates the stories once the Fellowship splits. So, for example, when you read The Two Towers, it starts off with Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn going after the Uruk-hai who captured Merry and Pippin, and the first half ends with the Battle of Helm's Deep. During that whole time, you never see or hear anything about Sam and Frodo. Then, the second half of the story starts with Sam and Frodo beginning their journey, and ends right after the fight with, um, the big spider whose name I'm forgetting and am too lazy to find out even though the books are, like, ten feet away from me, oh HELL, hold on...SHELOB! Heh, remembered before I even got to the books. Well, anyway, I guess it goes without saying, but having the movies unfold that way would have been pretty damn stupid. Though, I do think it worked very well in the books.

1. All the FUCKING singing. Yeah, there was some singing in the films. And there was a little bit more singing in the extended versions, but NEITHER had all the goddamned singing that's in the books. That, more than anything, should be enough to dissuade any Tolkien purists who think it should've been adapted word-for-word. If it had, it would've been a fucking musical.

Top 10 Reasons Why - Starting With Tomorrow's Post - The Lists For Each Week Will Be Based On A Single Theme

10. 'Cause. I wanna.

9. It makes it a lot easier to come up with ideas for lists. Believe it or not, sometimes at 5:30 in the morning I really don't have a lot of ideas about how to entertain my tasteful, discerning audience. If I can narrow it down to a single theme like "Science Fiction" or "Monkeys" or "Tits", I at least have something guiding me.

8. Gives me an excuse to change the banner each week.

7. I can put up periodic polls asking YOU, my loyal readers, what you would like to see as a theme! I will quickly discard the results of these polls, but you can at least express yourselves.

6. Makes me more marketable to The Man.

5. I can write all my lists on one day and just schedule them to post themselves later in the week. It's awesome. For example, this coming week's theme will be Lord of the Rings. So I already came up with the ideas for all 7 lists, then over the course of today I can write all those lists and set them up to automatically post one minute after midnight each day. It's like working a 7-day week in one day. I feel like a state worker.

4. Gives me more time in the morning for porn brushing my teeth.

3. Because I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind.

2. There really aren't any themes I can't work Hulk into.

1. There really aren't any themes I can't work porn brushing my teeth into.

Top 10 Ways To dsml sd kqeeejjjjjjjjjr

10. I should not be up this early.

9. Where am I?

8. Why is there no one else in this building and what the hell am I doing here?

7. who the thing

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5. No, no. I'm up.

4. Stop it.

3. You're not funny.

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Top 10 Ways To Skin A Boss

10. Lava.

9. Find out the address of the local chapter of the CSA - Cannibal Skinners of America. Give your boss the address, but don't tell him what it is. Just tell him there are a lot of people there who like it when you talk about yourself. For hours. Especially if you mainly talk about high school. Even though you're, like, 50.

8. Get a nice, secure hold right under the skin on his forehead, and then roll him down a hill. It'll be like peeling an apple. Except with blood. And a hill.

7. Get some secure restraints, duct tape, a private space, and a dull spoon. Make a weekend of it.

6. While he's asleep, sneak into his bedroom and whisper "Everyone knows you're not 25" in his ear. He'll jump out of his own skin and run screaming.

5. Skin him while he's asleep. If you can't get him to stay asleep or go to sleep, use a simple trap. Put a picture of naked, genetically enhanced tits inside a book. Any book. After looking at the tits for 3 hours, he will get curious about the book, read a few sentences, and fall into a deep coma from the strain. You can set off a nuke next to his head and he'll keep snoring.

4. Do #5, but set the book down in the middle of his lawn. Then, get the mower.

3. Really hot coffee.

2. Bear.

1. Ninja.

My Top 10 Favorite Things About Being Me

10. When drunk, I am surprisingly coherent and eloquent. I'm still a slurring, clumsy monkey, but you'll never meet a smarter drunk who's hitting on your Mom or breaking furniture.

9. Apparently, people who see me but don't know me get the impression that I'm some big, tough guy. I'm totally not, but I look like I ate a Hell's Angel, and it's kept me safe in relatively unsafe neighborhoods.

8. Everyone wants to have sex with me. I understand. It's cool. It's a lot of pressure, but I can handle it.

7. My rich, developed imagination takes me to fantastic worlds of wonder and majesty. I don't even need porn.

6. My musical taste is better than yours.

5. My name. It's cool. It took me a long time to appreciate it, and substitute teachers' roll calls didn't help, but I'm cool with it now. And it totally contributes to #8.

4. Kids love me. No, really. They flock to me like I'm made of candy. I don't love kids nearly as much as they love me, and frankly wish they'd leave me the hell alone sometimes, but it just feels good to know kids think you're the bee's knees. I mean, that's gotta give me some points.

3. My facial hair. I just love it.

2. My girlfriend. And I'm sorry that her presence fucks up #8 for the rest of you. Sorry. She's just the only one for me.

1. I could totally kick your ass.