Top 10 Reasons Why Coldplay Makes Me Feel Like A Girl (List SMASH!'s 150th list)

(A friend and regular reader of List SMASH! mentioned that she wished there was some kind of function on my posts to rate how funny she thought each post was - kind of like clicking the stars on Netflix. So I checked and indeed Blogger offers something like that. You will notice that now on the bottom of each list there are three choices - ROFLMAO, LOL, and /yawn. I wanted to add more options but it only allows for three. So, if you feel like letting me know what you think without posting, feel free.)


10. I have no idea what their name means. If I don't know why a band's name is stupid, I can't make fun of it. Once I found out Soul Coughing named themselves after a line in a Neil Young poem, I lost some respect for them. Once I found out what "Pearl Jam" meant. Well. Ew.

9. "Green Eyes" turns me into a lovesick, blubbery, freshly pubertized girl. Even though I can't think of anyone I ever knew with green eyes.

Though I do suspect I know who the character singing the song is supposed to be.



8. Their music simultaneously revels in the wonder of life while evoking the pain and loss inherent in the human condition.

7. I listen to "Everything's Not Lost" more than just about any other song. It's beautiful, sad, and it sets relatively low and attainable standards.

6. At least two songs with titles culled from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Do they know the way to my heart or what? If they mailed me Diet Pepsi and Mac & Cheese, I'd totally let them all do me.

5. I didn't think anyone remembered when I conquered the globe with my robots and was unceremoniously dethroned by those short-sighted FOOLS in the Justice League of America who used time traveling technology to not only wrestle control of the Earth from my grasp, but to make it so that, essentially, my reign never occurred. But then I heard "Viva la Vida" and I knew someone remembered.

4. Chris Martin and me would totally hang out and I could break the ice by mentioning how our last names are the same and I'd make some kind of "Oh look we could be brothers" joke and we'd both totally laugh and we'd hang out and do stuff like, all day, and then he'd be all like "Mick I am deep, but I think you are deep as well, we should hang out more and you can come on tour with us and even sing a song on stage if you want and maybe you should write songs for us and if I die in battle you can take over the band for me," and I'd be all like, "Cool."

3. Yeah, I saw The 40-Year-Old Virgin. I know the line. And they can SHUT UP AND DIE! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

2. Because I know I'm losing. Doesn't mean I've lost.

1. Because I know I'm hairy. Doesn't mean I'm hair.



(P.S. This is my 150th list. I know I promised some epic list for today, but I thought about the prospect of doing a top 150 list and then laughed a lot.)

Mick's Top 10 Pieces Of Advice For Obama During His Visit To Russia

10. Propose an Iron Man/Crimson Dynamo team up. The Russkies never get any panel time. They'll love that shit.



9. Give them a link to this list.

8. Digitally alter the film White Nights. Have Gregory Hines say any or all of the following lines to Mikhail Baryshnikov:



"I wish I understood your incredibly elegant-yet-manly form of dance."

"I defected to America because Russian women are so beautiful and your weather is so temperate."

"I can tell you're Russian because your penis is so much more impressive than mine, or any American's."

7. Polish jokes. Memorize them.

6. During diplomatically awkward moments, use any or all of the following phrases.

"What? Oh no, I beg my wife not to shave!"

"You have a Georgia? We have a Georgia! Whoa!"

"Hey, know who I hate? Nazis!"

5. Don't ask them where to find Santa's workshop. They find that very demeaning. And most of them forgot where he lives anyway.

4. Challenge Putin to Street Fighter. Make sure to win. But play as Zangief.



3. Don't apologize for Rocky IV. We've paid for our importation of Brigitte Nielsen, and they know it. In fact, you should probably see if you can get them to apologize for Drago killing Gregory Hines (they won't know the difference).



2. If you unintentionally offend your Russian hosts, as soon as you realize your mistake, yell "GODDAMNED GYPSIES!" and spit on the ground.

1. Bring, like, 120 pairs of jeans and just pass them around.

Top 10 Songs I Am Embarrassed To Admit Are On My Ipod

10. "Smooth Criminal" by Alien Ant Farm

(Only embarrassing because it's the one and only bit of postmortem Michael Jackson nostalgia I've indulged in.)

9. "Save Me" by Remy Zero

8. "The Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance

7. "Superman" by Five For Fighting

6. "Summerland" by Everclear

5. "We Don't Need Another Hero" by Tina Turner

4. The Glee version of "Don't Stop Believin'"

3. "Drops of Jupiter" by Train

2. "I'm Like A Bird" by Nelly Furtado

1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds

("Bitches Ain't Shit" isn't actually on my ipod right now and I wouldn't be embarrassed if it was - it's funny as hell, the Ben Folds version at least - but I decided a long time ago that this song had to be #1 for any Top 10 list involving individual songs, so if you don't like that, I'm sorry. But I'm like a bird. I don't know where my soul is. I don't know where my home is.)

Top 10 Thoughts On Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

10. If I pay to see a Transformers movie, I expect to see a bunch of giant robots beating the shit out of each other. I don't want to spend three hours watching Shia LeBeouf trying and failing to be funny.

9. I was a little boy when this franchise was young, and as such a number of things in the film were very disturbing to me. In particular, watching Optimus Prime blow the head off a wounded Decepticon after saying, all Dirty-Harry-like, "Any last words?" feels kind of like watching the Smurfs raid a Snork village and throw all their Snork babies off cliffs.

8. The formula for a Michael Bay film seems very simple. A) Violence. B) Tits. C) Melodramatic music that never, ever, EVER stops and, most importantly D) Black people are retarded, and that's why they're so funny.

7. Robot...GHOSTS? Really? I mean, really?

6. John Turturro, wtf?!?! Dude, tell the Coen brothers to give you a raise if you're this desperate. JESUS!

5. The film was preceded by a trailer for G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. So, believe it or not, the Transformers flick wasn't the only stupid thing I saw that night.

4. I saw it at a double feature, and it was followed by The Hangover. So the night wasn't a total loss.

3. Dear Michael Bay, perhaps you could've spent a little less time coming up with new ways to get Megan Fox to bend over, and put a bit of energy towards figuring out how to let your audience distinguish between the good giant robots and the bad giant robots. Most of the time I didn't know who to root for and who to boo. So I just cheered for the EndOfTheMoviePleaseComeSoon-obot.

2. One of the more interesting things about the movie was how easily the giant robots were killed. The final battle features lots of shots of Decepticons running at the humans who shoot them with nothing more high-tech than tank shells and bullets, and yet the human military manages to take them all pretty easily, including one of the big bad guys - Megatron. Couldn't help but wonder why the fuck these assholes were considered such big threats if they're so easy to kill. Why do we even need Autobots? Apparently, the squad from Aliens could take these guys out.

1. I saw it at the drive-in, without getting laid. Yet somehow, in ways that mattered, I'm pretty sure I got fucked.

Top 10 Reasons I'm Thankful For Our Independence

10. Without our rebellion against Britain, we wouldn't have The Patriot, and thus would have one less Mel Gibson film about how the human spirit can conquer any obstacle as long as you're covered head-to-toe in blood (and not Jewish, unless you're Peter Pan. I mean Jesus).

9. If we were British, we would occasionally be under terrorist siege from a foreign power we've bullied

9. If we were British we wouldn't have freed the sla

9. Without independence, we wouldn't have had the Civil War. Without the Civil War, we wouldn't have as many reasons to feel superior to the South. With less reasons to feel superior to the South, I might feel bad about wanting to push this face into a wall -



8. Traffic Circles.

7. Marmite.

6. If we were still part of Britain, they never would've bothered to make an American version of The Office.

5. Superheroes. There would be no Captain America. Spider-Man wouldn't have any skyscrapers to swing from, so he'd just have to hop a lot. And Bruce Banner would turn into a giant, green beast that was just...occasionally rude.

4. We would sometimes be ruled by dictators and religious fanatics

4. ONLY English Punk. No Misifts, Ramones, Bad Brains, Black Flag, Dead Kennedys...they might let us keep Green Day.

3. We would mispronounce so many words. Like "aluminum" and "controversy" and "bread."

2. It's always weird to hear English people sing with what sounds like American accents. On the other hand you don't hear Americans singing with English accents (again, Green Day may be an exception). I think that's a pretty clear sign that we made the right choice.

1. Without the Declaration of Independence, the first National Treasure film would just seem stupid.

1. World War II. Without the existence of the USA, there wouldn't have been a large world power that decided to not jump into a European war right away. Without that delay, when trying to blame someone for the bombing of Britain, the English might have to admit that declaring a war on someone and then not doing anything for an entire year is pretty fucking stupid. This might force them to look into their own misshapen-tooth-filled mirrors when seeking someone to blame for their own fuck-ups, rather than saying "You yanks took yer time now dintcha?" Or, conversely, at this late hour, they might consider blaming the Germans.

Top 10 Whatever Fuck You

10. Fuck you.

9. Insert the fuck you in the round fuck you marked H in the fuck you.

8. Continue to fuck you until you see a fuck you.

7. Refer to the fuck you for more fuck you.

6. Fuck you.

5. Connect the fuck you to the fuck you using the fuck you found in the fuck you.

4. Store the fuck you in a cool, dry fuck you.

3. Fuck you.

2. Once the fuck you is ready, fuck you.

1. Congratulations.

Top 10 Solutions To The New York Senate BS

10. Ninjas.

9. Have Governor Paterson enforce daily nap times.

8. Remind all these rich lawyers that they aren't getting any younger, their contracts with The Guy Downstairs are going to be up soon, so they may as well try passing a law or two before their eternal sunbathing sessions begin on the Blasted, Fiery Plains of Was-It-Really-Worth-It.

7. Burn down every house in Massachusetts, Connecticut and Florida worth more than $500,000. With nowhere to sleep, the senators will have no choice but to stay in session.

6. Do what my brother does with his kids. Hide the power-sharing agreement in a wadded up piece of bread and put the bread in their spaghetti. They won't even notice it.

5. Put them all in the same cop movie, kill off all their partners, and have the precinct captain make them team up. As they face life-or-death situations that force them to put aside their differences, they just might learn that they're more alike than they thought.

4. Close down all the golf courses in the state until they work this out.

3. Go all Noriega on them. Lock the doors of the Capitol shut and blast Poison and Bon Jovi until they take care of things.

2. To hell with 'em. I've been waiting for my chance. Give me a few robots and a moon laser, and Daddy will be here for you.

1. Petition all law enforcement agencies to cease any and all crackdowns on prostitution in New York State. Senators on both sides will be more relaxed and affable in no time.