10. If you think people on public assistance are a drain on the economy, how much of a drain do you think it will be to administer drug tests to every single person in the country looking to benefit from that assistance?
9. Ever heard the phrase "false positive?" Do you think it's worth it to deny people food because someone ate a poppy bagel on the wrong day?
8. You can deny it. You will deny it. If you think people should be drug tested for a frivolous little privilege like eating, then it's likely truth is as strange to you as restraint is to me. But it's what is. And it's this - The day YOUR boss tells you he's giving you a random drug test, you're going to act like the Gestapo just raped your favorite child. And you know it. After all, you only do the drugs that don't matter! Don't they know you're white?
7. Jesus Christ, guys. If you need something to kick so badly, buy a fucking soccer ball.
6. The day someone has to piss in a cup to prove to a bureaucrat that they haven't been naughty just so they can feed themselves, this country is NOT worth living in. Yes, you'll still have your country rock and your cooking contest shows. You fucking monkeys.
5. Let's follow this logic. First we make sure they aren't drug users before we give them assistance. Then what? Then we monitor what they're buying with their assistance? To make sure they aren't buying anything unhealthy? Then to make sure they aren't buying anything unhealthy or unwholesome? Then to make sure they're only using their assistance to purchase items pre-approved by the government or, more correctly, to whatever corporation is giving the government its orders that week?
I'm going to propose two things you may consider strange. One, we have a right to privacy in this country. Two, it is a right that is not dependent on your ability to pay for food.
4. Here's something to think about. When you're driving through that neighborhood with those people, and some of those people who can't afford to buy a bag of chips spot you in your shiny Explorer texting your BFF about the stupid new phone you bought, you might WANT those people on drugs. Because otherwise, they might be awake enough to kill you.
3. You stupid motherfuckers bitch when athletes get drug tested. ATHLETES. People who make more money in a week than you and I could make in two lifetimes. And THEIR rights, THEIR rights you want to protect. But not the rights of poor people who can't afford their own food?
Really? I mean, REALLY?
Seriously. No bullshit. No snark. If you REALLY believe that, then these people you're lifting your nose to aren't the ones who should starve. They really aren't.
2. Even if the Republicans overtook every branch of government, I couldn't imagine something like this happening. But you can rest assured that, if it DOES happen, when those guys drag you out of your SUV at the traffic light and blast your skull open in front of your children, they WON'T just be doing it for drugs. They'll be doing it for food, too.
Stupid.
1. Seriously. I can't pretend no one cheats the welfare system. I can't pretend no one abuses it. What I can feel fairly secure about is that even if you assumed that every single person in the US on public assistance was either cheating the government or being wildly irresponsible about using that assistance, the costs would not even come close to other drains on our economy, like giving government assistance to huge corporations, or habitually sending every goddamn soldier we can to countries filled with non-white people. I realize war hawks and CEOs are more difficult to feel superior to because they don't make less money than you, but I'm sure you can find some motivation if you try.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
My Top 10 Responses To Your Stupid Face
10. Oh. On Facebook, you're a fan of "Sleeping In." Ha. Ha. Ha. That. Is. So. Funny. Ha. Ha. Ha. That. Is. So. Universal. And. True. Ha. Ha. Ha.
9. Hey Everyone! I KNOW google has a new Hulk theme. I got it, like, the FAH-king second it came out. SO SHUT UP ALREADY!
8. Everything I do is for your benefit. When I say anything, I say it only so you can respond. When I read a book, I do it only so you can ask what I'm reading. When I eat something, I only do it so you can ask me what I'm eating. You worthless scab of a semi-human being.
7. Whatever.
6. Shut your stupid face.
5. If I sneeze more than once, you don't need to bless me every time. In fact, since you're not the Pope, feel free to just shut up about it.
4. I must've eaten a lot of cheese. No matter how hard I try, I just don't give a shit.
3. No.
2. NO!
1. Stupid.
9. Hey Everyone! I KNOW google has a new Hulk theme. I got it, like, the FAH-king second it came out. SO SHUT UP ALREADY!
8. Everything I do is for your benefit. When I say anything, I say it only so you can respond. When I read a book, I do it only so you can ask what I'm reading. When I eat something, I only do it so you can ask me what I'm eating. You worthless scab of a semi-human being.
7. Whatever.
6. Shut your stupid face.
5. If I sneeze more than once, you don't need to bless me every time. In fact, since you're not the Pope, feel free to just shut up about it.
4. I must've eaten a lot of cheese. No matter how hard I try, I just don't give a shit.
3. No.
2. NO!
1. Stupid.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Top 10 Reasons Why Vampires Are Better Than Werewolves
10. Vampires are more environmentally friendly. Whenever you make a new werewolf, you have to waste tons of newspaper house training the bastards.
9. There are dumb vampires. There are seductive, whorish vampires and vampires who want to conquer the world. There are sad, broody vampires and lazy vampires who just want to kill someone every now and then and stay out of everyone's away. Vampires, in other words, have variety. Werewolves, on the other hand, just growl and kill and hump people's legs until someone in town figures out how to melt silver.
8. Werewolves just don't seem to serve any purpose. They're just wolves on two legs instead of four. Why would a wolf want two legs instead of four? That's stupid. If you have four legs, be happy about your extra two legs, idiot.
7. Vampires are tougher to track, because they don't shit in the woods.
6. It isn't Buffy the Werewolf Slayer, is it? Why not? Because werewolves are lame and you don't need anyone special to kill them. Hell, some people even let them play basketball for them.
5. If you become a werewolf, you don't even get to enjoy it. You wake up in the woods all naked, and you're like "Whoa, I got drunk! And hey, is that my girlfriend's severed pinky?" And the police suspect you but they have no proof, and you go through this whole awkward, confusing period before you even realize you're a werewolf. And then it doesn't matter, because whenever you become a werewolf, YOU aren't around and don't get to enjoy killing and growling and humping people's legs. On the other hand, if you get turned into a vampire, you'll know, and you'll be stopping by your boss' house momentarily.
4. Your choice of locale is severely limited. Sure, there are movies where they have werewolves in urban areas, but that's bullshit. If you're a werewolf, you need to live out in the country. 'Cause you're a freaking werewolf. Which means you may be limited as far as cable is concerned, you might have to do satellite TV, who knows if you can even get a cell phone signal...
3. Werewolves have super strength. So do vampires. Werewolves are really fast. So are vampires. Some vampires can turn into bats, wolves, or even mist. Werewolves can turn into werewolves and the thing they are when they're not werewolves.
2. Vampires are always vampires. Werewolves are only werewolves 3 nights out of the month, and ONLY at night. Werewolves are lazy.
1. A monstrous personification of mankind's primal rage?
Yeah, we've got that covered, Scooby. And he's bigger than you.
9. There are dumb vampires. There are seductive, whorish vampires and vampires who want to conquer the world. There are sad, broody vampires and lazy vampires who just want to kill someone every now and then and stay out of everyone's away. Vampires, in other words, have variety. Werewolves, on the other hand, just growl and kill and hump people's legs until someone in town figures out how to melt silver.
8. Werewolves just don't seem to serve any purpose. They're just wolves on two legs instead of four. Why would a wolf want two legs instead of four? That's stupid. If you have four legs, be happy about your extra two legs, idiot.
7. Vampires are tougher to track, because they don't shit in the woods.
6. It isn't Buffy the Werewolf Slayer, is it? Why not? Because werewolves are lame and you don't need anyone special to kill them. Hell, some people even let them play basketball for them.
5. If you become a werewolf, you don't even get to enjoy it. You wake up in the woods all naked, and you're like "Whoa, I got drunk! And hey, is that my girlfriend's severed pinky?" And the police suspect you but they have no proof, and you go through this whole awkward, confusing period before you even realize you're a werewolf. And then it doesn't matter, because whenever you become a werewolf, YOU aren't around and don't get to enjoy killing and growling and humping people's legs. On the other hand, if you get turned into a vampire, you'll know, and you'll be stopping by your boss' house momentarily.
4. Your choice of locale is severely limited. Sure, there are movies where they have werewolves in urban areas, but that's bullshit. If you're a werewolf, you need to live out in the country. 'Cause you're a freaking werewolf. Which means you may be limited as far as cable is concerned, you might have to do satellite TV, who knows if you can even get a cell phone signal...
3. Werewolves have super strength. So do vampires. Werewolves are really fast. So are vampires. Some vampires can turn into bats, wolves, or even mist. Werewolves can turn into werewolves and the thing they are when they're not werewolves.
2. Vampires are always vampires. Werewolves are only werewolves 3 nights out of the month, and ONLY at night. Werewolves are lazy.
1. A monstrous personification of mankind's primal rage?
Yeah, we've got that covered, Scooby. And he's bigger than you.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
My Top 10 Feelings On The Health Care Debate
10. Do I want my health care to be in the hands of bureaucrats? No. Absolutely not. I want my health care to be in the hands of Santa Claus and Peter Pan and those assholes on Star Trek who just have to wave ipods in front of your face to cure you of cancer. But they don't stop by much.
9. Hey Republicans! How about we work out a deal? You guys stop getting all mad about the idea of people who aren't white or who don't have as much money as you being allowed to get medical treatment, and we'll concede the whole abortion thing. No more abortions! Of course, as part of the deal, YOU get to keep all the babies. But you won't have to pay for their medical treatment. Congratulations!
8. Come on senators. You all know as well as the rest of us that if it weren't for government funded health care, most of you - on both sides of the debate - would have been dead from syphilis a LONG time ago.
7. Hey Republicans! I get the whole thing about being wary of big government. I really do. Here's where I get confused. You want the government to stay away from your health care. But you also want the government to tell you what to do with your bodies, who you get to marry, what you get to read, what you get to watch, who you get to pray to, etc. Oh, and to top it all off, you want to make sure we don't have a big, intrusive government by making sure that government has under its control the biggest, best-equipped armed forces it possibly can.
6. Tell you what. Call me a commie pinko bastard, but I would rather have to go through the hard work of figuring out for myself who I do and don't get to marry, while having someone make sure that an insurance company couldn't tell my mother that she doesn't get to have the only treatment that could possibly cure her terminal illness. I know. I'M stupid that way.
5. Know what I hate more about the idea of the government being in charge of my health care? My employer being in charge of my health care. At least the government doesn't know it was me who left the stinky in the men's room.
4. Hey Republicans! Look at the big picture. Right now, doctors are forced to care for some patients for free because of lack of coverage. If we have health care for everyone, doctors will always be paid. If doctors are always paid, doctors will have more money. If doctors make more money, they'll play more golf. If doctors play more golf, the demand for golf courses will rise. See? White-Rich-Asshole culture is safe. Don't worry. Everything's going to be okay.
3. Providing health care for all will help increase demand for naughty nurse outfits. Somehow. Maybe. Please.
2. Hey Republican Christians! What was Lazarus's copay?
1. This isn't a political issue for me. If you do not believe in health care for all, you are inhuman. You're not a Republican or a Democrat. You're not conservative or liberal. You are a sadistic, apathetic, cruel, non-human. You better hope that I'm right and that your God is just as imaginary as the Star Trek doctors and Santa and Peter Pan. Otherwise, all that shit people say is going to happen "when Hell freezes over?" Leave your number, because we'll be calling for status updates.
Scumbag.
9. Hey Republicans! How about we work out a deal? You guys stop getting all mad about the idea of people who aren't white or who don't have as much money as you being allowed to get medical treatment, and we'll concede the whole abortion thing. No more abortions! Of course, as part of the deal, YOU get to keep all the babies. But you won't have to pay for their medical treatment. Congratulations!
8. Come on senators. You all know as well as the rest of us that if it weren't for government funded health care, most of you - on both sides of the debate - would have been dead from syphilis a LONG time ago.
7. Hey Republicans! I get the whole thing about being wary of big government. I really do. Here's where I get confused. You want the government to stay away from your health care. But you also want the government to tell you what to do with your bodies, who you get to marry, what you get to read, what you get to watch, who you get to pray to, etc. Oh, and to top it all off, you want to make sure we don't have a big, intrusive government by making sure that government has under its control the biggest, best-equipped armed forces it possibly can.
6. Tell you what. Call me a commie pinko bastard, but I would rather have to go through the hard work of figuring out for myself who I do and don't get to marry, while having someone make sure that an insurance company couldn't tell my mother that she doesn't get to have the only treatment that could possibly cure her terminal illness. I know. I'M stupid that way.
5. Know what I hate more about the idea of the government being in charge of my health care? My employer being in charge of my health care. At least the government doesn't know it was me who left the stinky in the men's room.
4. Hey Republicans! Look at the big picture. Right now, doctors are forced to care for some patients for free because of lack of coverage. If we have health care for everyone, doctors will always be paid. If doctors are always paid, doctors will have more money. If doctors make more money, they'll play more golf. If doctors play more golf, the demand for golf courses will rise. See? White-Rich-Asshole culture is safe. Don't worry. Everything's going to be okay.
3. Providing health care for all will help increase demand for naughty nurse outfits. Somehow. Maybe. Please.
2. Hey Republican Christians! What was Lazarus's copay?
1. This isn't a political issue for me. If you do not believe in health care for all, you are inhuman. You're not a Republican or a Democrat. You're not conservative or liberal. You are a sadistic, apathetic, cruel, non-human. You better hope that I'm right and that your God is just as imaginary as the Star Trek doctors and Santa and Peter Pan. Otherwise, all that shit people say is going to happen "when Hell freezes over?" Leave your number, because we'll be calling for status updates.
Scumbag.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Top 10 Initial Reactions After Reading 170 Pages of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
10. At this point, I have asked my girlfriend twice the correct pronunciation of "Hermione." She has answered me both times. And I have almost immediately forgotten the answer. Both times.
So, from now on, I am simply referring to her as --
Or, perhaps, Annoying Bossy Bitch.
9. Hagrid the giant finds Harry with his adoptive parents - The Dursleys. The Dursleys don't like Hagrid or anything that reminds them of Harry's magical origins. During their meeting, Mr. Dursley insults Dumbledore (the headmaster of Hogwart's to whom Hagrid is very loyal), which angers Hagrid to no end. In retaliation, Hagrid uses his magic to sprout a pig tail out of the ass of Mr. Dursley's biological son, Dudley.
With this, Hagrid teaches Harry Potter one of the first rules of the aspiring Columbian druglord: when someone fucks with you, don't maim THEM. Maim their children.
8. "Muggles." That's awesome. J.K. Rowling came up with a racial slur for people who are born with inferior abilities. I sure hope that kinda stuff catches on in central Europe.
7. A conversation between me and my girlfriend (who has read all the books and convinced me to try out this first one):
MARYANN: How far did you get? Is he in the school yet?
ME: Yep.
MARYANN: Did you get to the Sorting Hat part yet?
ME: Yep. Harry and Ron are both in Tribe Survivor. They're forming an alliance to kick Neville off the island. He's a fucker.
6. Names are important. If Lucas hadn't chosen to create a villain whose name - Dooku - sounds like what toddlers call their shit, Attack of the Clones would only have been a complete waste of time and not a complete fucking waste of time.
Likewise, here we have characters with names like Dumbledore and Voldemort. My understanding is the books gradually mature in tone and content. And it is difficult for me to imagine taking seriously a dark, mature story featuring characters with names that make them sound like lawn gnomes.
5. Quidditch? Why is it even fictional English sports sound like synonyms for either knitting or pastry?
4. "Oh I can't say the name of You-Know-Who!"
"Oh, they teamed up with You-Know-Who!"
"You don't mean You-Know-Who?"
"I heard he worked for You-Know-Who!"
"They say it has something to do with You-Know-Who!"
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
MACBETH!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
3. Wait for it...wait for it...
...
...
Hulkcouldtotallykickharry'sass
2. So apparently in the films first they had Richard Harris playing Dumbledore. Then he died, so they got Michael Gambon.
And strangely, when I read the book, all I can think of is Ian McKellen.
1. So far the verdict is...I don't think it sucks. The first couple of chapters were tedious. The whole "oh look at the magical boy being smothered by the normal, boring people" bullshit had me yawning, but once it got going, it got going. I don't know if I'll be dying to read one book after the other, but so far it isn't a bad read.
So, from now on, I am simply referring to her as --
Or, perhaps, Annoying Bossy Bitch.
9. Hagrid the giant finds Harry with his adoptive parents - The Dursleys. The Dursleys don't like Hagrid or anything that reminds them of Harry's magical origins. During their meeting, Mr. Dursley insults Dumbledore (the headmaster of Hogwart's to whom Hagrid is very loyal), which angers Hagrid to no end. In retaliation, Hagrid uses his magic to sprout a pig tail out of the ass of Mr. Dursley's biological son, Dudley.
With this, Hagrid teaches Harry Potter one of the first rules of the aspiring Columbian druglord: when someone fucks with you, don't maim THEM. Maim their children.
8. "Muggles." That's awesome. J.K. Rowling came up with a racial slur for people who are born with inferior abilities. I sure hope that kinda stuff catches on in central Europe.
7. A conversation between me and my girlfriend (who has read all the books and convinced me to try out this first one):
MARYANN: How far did you get? Is he in the school yet?
ME: Yep.
MARYANN: Did you get to the Sorting Hat part yet?
ME: Yep. Harry and Ron are both in Tribe Survivor. They're forming an alliance to kick Neville off the island. He's a fucker.
6. Names are important. If Lucas hadn't chosen to create a villain whose name - Dooku - sounds like what toddlers call their shit, Attack of the Clones would only have been a complete waste of time and not a complete fucking waste of time.
Likewise, here we have characters with names like Dumbledore and Voldemort. My understanding is the books gradually mature in tone and content. And it is difficult for me to imagine taking seriously a dark, mature story featuring characters with names that make them sound like lawn gnomes.
5. Quidditch? Why is it even fictional English sports sound like synonyms for either knitting or pastry?
4. "Oh I can't say the name of You-Know-Who!"
"Oh, they teamed up with You-Know-Who!"
"You don't mean You-Know-Who?"
"I heard he worked for You-Know-Who!"
"They say it has something to do with You-Know-Who!"
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
MACBETH!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
3. Wait for it...wait for it...
...
...
Hulkcouldtotallykickharry'sass
2. So apparently in the films first they had Richard Harris playing Dumbledore. Then he died, so they got Michael Gambon.
And strangely, when I read the book, all I can think of is Ian McKellen.
1. So far the verdict is...I don't think it sucks. The first couple of chapters were tedious. The whole "oh look at the magical boy being smothered by the normal, boring people" bullshit had me yawning, but once it got going, it got going. I don't know if I'll be dying to read one book after the other, but so far it isn't a bad read.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Top 10 Things I Don't Think You Guys Give Me Enough Credit For
10. "Going Postal." That was MY phrase. I started that. It was me.
9. I've had a lot of bad ideas. A lot of you have been victims of them. But did I EVER try ventriloquism? No. No I did not.
8. I have never turned anyone in to the House Committee on Un-American Activities. And I totally could've. Like my girlfriend. She made me join a co-op.
7. How much did you know about the Incredible Hulk before you met me? And now...? That's effin' RIGHT!!!
6. Why don't YOU come up with new top 10 lists every day! EVERY DAY! Without any repetition! Without ANY repetition! ANY!
5. That last really good idea you had? That was mine. You just don't remember because YOU NEVER! STOP! DRINKING! WHY!?!?!?! WHEN WILL YOU CHOOSE LIFE?!?!?!
4. Most of my lists are much funnier than this one.
3. Do you know how much embarrassing crap I've revealed in these stupid lists? You think I like talking about going to a dermatologist to get my zits taken care of at the spry young age of THIRTY-FOUR?!?!? I am Captain Transparent. My soul is Ziploc. If any of you ever accuse me of lying I'll...I'll...call Linda Carter. Who I had sex with. Yeah..
2. Every now and then when I pull the neck of my shirt up over my nose and just keep it there for a few minutes? YES! I AM smelling myself. And I'm not ashamed of that.
1. Why don't YOU come up with new top 10 lists every day! EVERY DAY! Without any repetition! Without ANY repetition! ANY!
9. I've had a lot of bad ideas. A lot of you have been victims of them. But did I EVER try ventriloquism? No. No I did not.
8. I have never turned anyone in to the House Committee on Un-American Activities. And I totally could've. Like my girlfriend. She made me join a co-op.
7. How much did you know about the Incredible Hulk before you met me? And now...? That's effin' RIGHT!!!
6. Why don't YOU come up with new top 10 lists every day! EVERY DAY! Without any repetition! Without ANY repetition! ANY!
5. That last really good idea you had? That was mine. You just don't remember because YOU NEVER! STOP! DRINKING! WHY!?!?!?! WHEN WILL YOU CHOOSE LIFE?!?!?!
4. Most of my lists are much funnier than this one.
3. Do you know how much embarrassing crap I've revealed in these stupid lists? You think I like talking about going to a dermatologist to get my zits taken care of at the spry young age of THIRTY-FOUR?!?!? I am Captain Transparent. My soul is Ziploc. If any of you ever accuse me of lying I'll...I'll...call Linda Carter. Who I had sex with. Yeah..
2. Every now and then when I pull the neck of my shirt up over my nose and just keep it there for a few minutes? YES! I AM smelling myself. And I'm not ashamed of that.
1. Why don't YOU come up with new top 10 lists every day! EVERY DAY! Without any repetition! Without ANY repetition! ANY!
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