My Top 10 Feelings On The Health Care Debate

10. Do I want my health care to be in the hands of bureaucrats? No. Absolutely not. I want my health care to be in the hands of Santa Claus and Peter Pan and those assholes on Star Trek who just have to wave ipods in front of your face to cure you of cancer. But they don't stop by much.

9. Hey Republicans! How about we work out a deal? You guys stop getting all mad about the idea of people who aren't white or who don't have as much money as you being allowed to get medical treatment, and we'll concede the whole abortion thing. No more abortions! Of course, as part of the deal, YOU get to keep all the babies. But you won't have to pay for their medical treatment. Congratulations!

8. Come on senators. You all know as well as the rest of us that if it weren't for government funded health care, most of you - on both sides of the debate - would have been dead from syphilis a LONG time ago.

7. Hey Republicans! I get the whole thing about being wary of big government. I really do. Here's where I get confused. You want the government to stay away from your health care. But you also want the government to tell you what to do with your bodies, who you get to marry, what you get to read, what you get to watch, who you get to pray to, etc. Oh, and to top it all off, you want to make sure we don't have a big, intrusive government by making sure that government has under its control the biggest, best-equipped armed forces it possibly can.

6. Tell you what. Call me a commie pinko bastard, but I would rather have to go through the hard work of figuring out for myself who I do and don't get to marry, while having someone make sure that an insurance company couldn't tell my mother that she doesn't get to have the only treatment that could possibly cure her terminal illness. I know. I'M stupid that way.

5. Know what I hate more about the idea of the government being in charge of my health care? My employer being in charge of my health care. At least the government doesn't know it was me who left the stinky in the men's room.

4. Hey Republicans! Look at the big picture. Right now, doctors are forced to care for some patients for free because of lack of coverage. If we have health care for everyone, doctors will always be paid. If doctors are always paid, doctors will have more money. If doctors make more money, they'll play more golf. If doctors play more golf, the demand for golf courses will rise. See? White-Rich-Asshole culture is safe. Don't worry. Everything's going to be okay.

3. Providing health care for all will help increase demand for naughty nurse outfits. Somehow. Maybe. Please.

2. Hey Republican Christians! What was Lazarus's copay?

1. This isn't a political issue for me. If you do not believe in health care for all, you are inhuman. You're not a Republican or a Democrat. You're not conservative or liberal. You are a sadistic, apathetic, cruel, non-human. You better hope that I'm right and that your God is just as imaginary as the Star Trek doctors and Santa and Peter Pan. Otherwise, all that shit people say is going to happen "when Hell freezes over?" Leave your number, because we'll be calling for status updates.

Scumbag.