Top 10 Opportunities to Work "I AM THE NIGHT" Into Everyday Conversation

10. "Dude, why are you kicking me in that particular area of my leg?"

9. "If you had the choice of being either a daffodil, a daisy, a kitten, a puppy, peanut butter, jelly, a piece of cake, a piece of pie, a cold glass of lemonade, a warm glass of milk, or THE NIGHT, which would you choose?"

8. "Why do you fight evil with such passion and success?"

7. "What's your favorite brand of body wash?"

6. "Why is it whenever the Sun goes down, you Moon me?"

5. "What's that smell?"

4. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

3. "Why did you cum on my foot?"

2. "Why don't you ever do the dishes?"

1. "If you were a chess piece, which chess piece would you be?"

Mick's Top 10 Thoughts About...Well...You Know...What Everyone Else Is Talking About Today...

I know a lot of people may not want to talk about this anymore. A lot of you may be tired of hearing about it. I understand. But I think it needs to be addressed.

10. Chicken came first. Egg makes no sense.

9. If an egg came first, it wouldn't have survived. Everyone loves eggs. They love them boiled, deviled, scrambled, poached. They love them in salads. They love to peg houses with them on Halloween. Someone would've taken out that egg.

8. If the egg came first, who kept it warm?

7. If the chicken came first, it could have been created as a female, already impregnated, ready to lay eggs. This would explain how it, and the race, could survive. If an egg came first, then the first chicken would be a baby chicken, and would either be a female with no one to impregnate it or a male with no way to reproduce.

6. Glen Danzig.

5. I don't really think it's fair that in my hometown some architect had to go insane and build something there just to emphasize how much he disagrees with me.

4. Fox agrees with me. Scully thinks it was two eggs at the same time - one boy, one girl. Scully's such a skeptic BITCH.

3. If a chicken came first, it would be running from predators all the time, which would explain why everyone calls you "chicken" when you run from a fight or refuse to go up and talk to that really pretty girl from class and they have to be such JERKS about it even when you explain that, you know, you figure she's busy with her book because she's reading a book and you're not scared to talk to her you just don't want to interrupt her reading - you HATE IT when people interrupt your reading - and I'm gonna go to the comic book store you guys can all DIE.

2. Eggs are dumb.

1. And they smell.

Mick's Top 10 Psychic Predictions

10. The new cool, hip Internet social networking tool will be unveiled by the end of the year. It will be called "Junkface."

9. Within 5 years, Denzel Washington and Nicolas Cage will co-found a support group for male actors who used to do great work before they got worried about the sizes of their respective penises and so resorted to nothing but retarded, Fast and the Furious quality action flicks.

8. I will use "Glen Danzig" too many times on the lists and the same people who complain that I don't blog enough will complain about it. I will care about this. A lot.

7. Glen Danzig.

6. A bunch of people with iphones will tell a bunch of people without iphones that they're stupid for not having iphones. Eventually, the iphone owners will have to download a new app to clean all the cum off their screens.

5. Somewhere in New Orleans, a waitress will have a kinky, voodoo-tinged one night stand with a charming, rule-bending police detective. Unfortunately, in the morning, the detective will awaken to find the saucy temptress murdered in his bed. The detective will find himself on a strange adventure, attempting to clear his own name, avenge the death of this innocent-yet-limber young woman, while breaking the laws he's sworn to protect to hide the evidence that could reveal himself as a suspect. It will not only be a murder investigation, but an examination of the darkness of the human soul.

4. You will order some kind of delivery food. Somehow, there will be a mix up when you call and the person who takes your order will write down the wrong address. You will lose the phone number of the place you ordered from. The delivery person will never find your home. You will never get your food. You will both believe the worst in the other, and you will be both be wrong. Months later, you will meet and fall in love, ignorant of the delivery snafu of which you were both important parts. If you're not careful, Rob Reiner will find you and make a romantic comedy out of it.

3. You will be FUCKING wrong. Everyone will know you're FUCKING wrong. You will know you're FUCKING wrong. Your friends will tell you you're FUCKING wrong. Your family will tell you you're FUCKING wrong. Your stupid children will tell you you're FUCKING wrong. And you will be such a stubborn FUCKING FUCK that you just won't FUCKING admit it.

2. Someone extremely rich will do one of the following within the next 6 months - be cremated and have their ashes scattered in orbit, go around the world in something stupid like a hot air balloon or a canoe, or kill a panda with a monkey wrench.

1. A hard-nosed, straight-laced, squeeky-clean Republican congressman known for pushing anti-gay bills will be seduced by a younger man who will sell the secret sex videos to all the major news networks. You're welcome. I just have to get a video camera, and I'm good to go.

Top 10 Best Numbers Between 1 And 10

10. 2

9. 7

8. 6.5

7. 5

6. 8.7388888

5. 4

3. Glen Danzig

2. 1

1. Purple.

Top 10 Things I Want To Do Today

10. See the look on the face of my co-worker when he finds out we're televising a slide with his picture asking our listeners to call him up and wish him a Happy Labor Day.

9. Write.

8. Read.

7. Stumble upon some kind of horrible accident in which the surviving beautiful women need immediate medical attention - the medical attention in question involving allowing them to perform fellatio while using ice cubes.

6. See Dick Cheney walking down the street, flip him the bird and say, "Hey Cheney! Up your mother!"

5. Fight evil.

4. Foil the robbery of a truck delivering Diet Pepsi and be rewarded with a lifetime supply of Diet Pepsi. Also, enjoy fellatio with ice cubes from the beautiful yet lonely female truck driver.

3. Sleep.

2. Leap tall buildings in a single bound and, more importantly, survive the landing.

1. After getting a healthy nap, waking myself up with my bottomless keg of Diet Pepsi, writing an award-winning short story while simultaneously reading 3 other novels, unleash my samurai skills on an evil tyrant who has kidnapped a beautiful princess atop a tall building - which necessitates my leaping the tall building in a relatively small number of bounds - kill the bastard, ready myself to accept the rewarding love of the princess who turns out to be a demon in disguise, kill her stupid ass, but then find the REAL princess and her young but legal sister, older and experienced mother, and all her drunk friends with bad eyesight and low standards, and then the fellatio with ice cubes. Afterwards, we celebrate the afterglow of love by finding Dick Cheney and simultaneously flipping him the bird and yelling "Hey Cheney! Up your mother!"