Top 10 Best Ways To End The Office

10. The final episode begins with everyone in great spirits. Dunder Mifflin is in the black and giving competitors like Staples and Office Max a run for their money. Michael is back with Holly. Pam and Jim are still together. Ryan and Kelly are still a couple, but, luckily for Ryan, Ryan is cheating on Kelly and she has no idea. Dwight and Angela are reunited. Even Stanley is in a good mood. The episode ends with Michael Scott walking out of the office building and getting shot in the head by the guy he fired after trying and failing to fire Creed early in Season 2 (Devin or Devlin, I'm not sure which and I couldn't find him on imdb - it was a Halloween episode and he was dressed as a hobo).

9. Michael thinks it would be hilarious to fake his own death. He manages to succeed so thoroughly that Dunder Mifflin hires a new regional manager and his condo is sold to someone else.

8. Michael does one of his infamous fake-firings, but on a grand scale. He fake-fires the entire office. Everyone believes him. The final episode deals with how all of the office's former employees have moved on. Everyone agrees on one thing - their lives are better now. The final scene opens with Michael giggling to himself and bragging about how surprised everyone is going to be and how he "got everyone GOOD." The episode ends with the film crew playing a tape of Michael's now former employees talking about how much happier they are now. Michael stands and watches it soberly, well into the night.

7. Dwight is finally irrevocably fired. The final scene ends with Dwight pulling into the office parking lot and entering the building carrying an arsenal of guns and homemade explosives.

6. Dunder Mifflin goes out of business, but Michael refuses to accept it. Fueled by Dwight's mad ravings, Michael encourages all of his employees to stay and uses the metaphor of a band of survivors in a post-apocalyptic film. And, as they usually do, Michael, Dwight, and Andy take the metaphor way too seriously - they board up the office, arm themselves with shotguns and golf clubs, talk like they're in a Mad Max film, swearing to keep on selling paper until the zombies come and eat all their brains.

5. One of Michael's comedic idols - preferably Steve Martin or Robin Williams - comes to Scranton. Michael stumbles upon them in a bar or restaurant. The celebrity tries and fails to get Michael to stop bothering them. Eventually, Michael follows them to a hotel where he manages to catch them doing something unsavory with someone like a teenage girl, a hooker, etc. Michael blackmails them to help him get his comedy career moving. He quits Dunder Mifflin and goes on a stand-up tour which enjoys a degree of unexpected success - largely out of an ironic appreciation for how horrible Michael is. He basically becomes the stand-up comedy version of William Hung and Snakes on a Plane.

4. Dunder Mifflin is bought out by a UK office supply company. Michael Scott meets his new boss in the final scene - David Brent, played by Ricky Gervais.

3. Michael wins the lottery and uses the proceeds to fund his film opus Threat Level: Midnight. He invites his employees to star in the film, and the final episode is littered with scenes from the finished product. It's possible Michael Skarn's love interest will be played by BJ Novak.

2. The final episode opens with Michael Scott found dead in his office. Dwight conducts a characteristically stupid investigation. We never learn who did it because everyone had equal motive and desire. However, the general feeling is that everyone is better off for it. Including Michael.

1. The film crew either decides they're finally done filming, or they run out of funding. Michael tries everything he can to keep them at the office. He tries to complain to the producer of whatever documentary they've been making all this time. He even tries calling corporate to fund a new film crew. The series ends with Michael running after the crew, simultaneously begging them to come back and singing "Don't Stop Believing". It goes to black on the word "stop."

Mick's Top 10 Favorite TV Shows

10. Family Guy



I've never sought it out. I've never made a note to remember what channels it airs on or when it airs. I've never even considered the idea of buying the DVDs. Regardless, it's a show that's never disappointed. I always go breathless laughing. I know a lot of the humor is easy. I know that the criticisms that it's just a bunch of pop culture references thrown together have merit. But I can't help it. It's just goddamn funny.


9. Scrubs



Sometimes it's way too cheesy. Sometimes the music is excessive, particularly when - and this is often the case - thematically speaking the music has absolutely nothing to do with the story. Still, Scrubs succeeds at being ruthlessly funny and achingly human at the same time. Despite how improbable and sometimes outright impossible their antics are, for example, the friendship between JD (Zach Braff) and Turk (Donald Faison) feels more genuine to me than just about any relationship I've seen depicted on television.


8. The Daily Show



I've watched it from the very beginning, from back when Craig Kilborn was hosting - back when the funniest segment was asking the celebrity guest 5 random questions accompanied with video of some dude's head exploding.

It seems stupid to even think now, but at the time I had a difficult time imagining Jon Stewart filling Kilborn's shoes. Remember, Stewart's track record with TV wasn't exactly stellar. It pretty much amounted to one or two short-lived shows on MTV back when featuring programs without music videos on that channel was still a relatively novel idea. And there's also the simple fact that Stewart's temperament is wildly different from Kilborn's. Kilborn's satire was outright mean, while Stewart can still seem almost apologetic at times for his biting commentary.

I'm happy to have been proven wrong - wrong to the point where mentioning that Craig Kilborn used to host The Daily Show is kind of like when you mention to some folks that Dave Grohl from Foo Fighters used to be the drummer for Nirvana. They give you this curious head tilt and make some noise to the effect that that's an interesting factoid, but you know they're going to check on the Internet before they'll believe your silly ass.


7. The Colbert Report



I'm happy to say the success of The Colbert Report is yet another example of me being proven wrong and not minding. I remember tuning in to the first show with curiosity, but feeling fairly certain it would be a failure. It was just, I assumed, a lame spin-off of The Daily Show like David Spade's abortive The Showbiz Show.

But just as Spade's tedious and cynical personality renders any solo project of his an exercise in futility, the childlike joy Colbert evokes while playing at being an even more dim-witted disciple of Bill O'Reilly is almost more fun to watch than the satire itself.


6. The X-Files



It's difficult to resist the urge to sigh regrettably every time I think of The X-Files. There were a lot of great moments in Chris Carter's one successful series, but it's tough to not feel those moments are overshadowed by failure: the failure of Carter and co. to ever make any kind of coherent sense out of their alien mythology, the failure of David Duchovny to decide whether he wanted to be a talented minimalist actor or simply an untalented robot who undercut criticism by poking fun at his near-dead performances, the failure of Carter to learn to write believable dialogue or intelligent plots, the failure of taking every successful aspect of the show and beating it to death in lieu of new ideas (e.g. the Lone Gunmen, Cancer Man, etc.), and finally the failure to live up to the unbelievable potential inherent in this concept.

But when the potential was met, it was a sight to behold. I still feel "Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space'" is one of the greatest hours of network television ever aired. Try to remember, if you care to, that if/when you watch that episode with your children, when Jesse Ventura drives into the garage of a character - a character named after the psychedelic rock singer and mentally plagued Roky Erickson - and delivers a speech that is, arguably, not only the most intelligent and complex speech ever given on network television in regards to the concept of the limits of human perception, but actually a speech that describes the very soul of the show's oft-unrealized potential, you will get to tap your child on the shoulder, point at the screen, and say "That cro-magnon freak was the Governor of Minnesota, I shit you not."


5. Twin Peaks



Twin Peaks left me shaking. Literally.

I first saw it in Tampa, under what I imagine may be unusual circumstances for Peaks fans. Before it turned into a channel of nothing but reality shows geared towards the people who don't want to feel like the idiots who watch those OTHER reality shows, Bravo used to annually air a Twin Peaks Halloween marathon. They aired the entire series, though honestly I don't remember if they aired it all at once, or staggered over a couple of nights.

I watched the first few episodes out of curiosity, and was soon hooked. I stayed up for longer than I care to admit, watching hour after hour of the series, waiting for the end. When the last episode finally came and I saw the ultimate fate of the lovable and pure-hearted Agent Cooper, it literally left me shaking. The next day in school, every time I held out my hand, it shook like I'd gotten a spinal tap of caffeine. No television show had ever made such an emotional impact on me. And if it weren't for the fact that so much of the middle of the series was craptacular, it would have a higher spot on the list.


4. The Sopranos



It is difficult for me to figure out why, with so many unpleasant childhood memories involving fat Italian family members yelling obscenities at each other, that I would love The Sopranos as much as I do.

I guess what I appreciated the most about the show was its moral honesty. It never tried to fool us about its main character. Tony Soprano wasn't a misunderstood, kindhearted, gentle giant who was only doing what he had to do. He was a sadistic, insecure, murderous bully. They showed us the evil he committed, and more often than not the fallout for innocent people. If we fell for him, it wasn't for the sake of not being shown what he really was.


3. Buffy the Vampire Slayer



I didn't really get into Buffy until the show was close to ending. My girlfriend at the time and I would buy the seasons on DVD and watch them for hours at a time. For quite a while, every birthday and holiday came with one of us buying a season as a "gift" for the other, even though we both knew it was no such thing. Until we finally had all seven seasons assembled, we told family and friends to not bother with anything but Best Buy gift cards as presents.

After she dumped me and it was time to gather up all my stuff, the Buffy dvds were a problem. There was no way to remember who had bought what seasons, or which seasons were gift for who, from who. And what would be the point of taking half? How would it even be possible to take half since there was an odd number of seasons? And who would get stuck with the craptacular Season 7?

Ultimately, I decided to extend a bit of kindness to my ex and leave her the series. Besides, I was taking all the extended editions of The Lord of the Rings even though she watched them more than I did (they WERE mine, just so you know - one was a gift from her, and the other two were gifts from my family). But I didn't want to go without indefinitely. So I decided my tax refund (it was the end of last January when we split) would go to the entire series set.

I kept that promise, and immediately set about watching the entire series, every episode, one more time. And it felt like I got a little bit of my life back.

And the only reason I told that story is that I feel like I've written about Buffy online so much, that that story was really all I had left to say.


2. Firefly



Like The X-Files, "unrealized potential" is a necessary phrase when describing Firefly. The only difference is that, in the case of Firefly, it wasn't for lack of trying.

There is no doubt in my mind that, if Fox had dislodged its skull from its butt and aired the installments of Firefly in the order in which they were meant to be seen, the series wouldn't have folded after only a handful of episodes. You really, REALLY know the full extent of network television executive stupidity when you buy the DVD collection of Firefly, read the air dates of the episodes, and learn that the first two-part episode - which introduces all the plot elements of the series - was aired AFTER every other episode. After.

After.


1. The Office



This was honestly a surprise to me. I've become an avid watcher of the show, to the point that I know I've crossed the geek line.

In other words, I've started pointing out plot inconsistencies and can easily remember dialogue from just about any episode. Yes. I've gotten to that place.

But I didn't think it was my favorite. When I tried to figure out which one was my favorite, I just asked a simple question - if someone offered to play episodes from any of these 10 shows, which one would I rather watch? And the answer was The Office. That simple.

I saw the first season of the original UK version, and I know there's a staunch crowd of folks who think that's the better version. I don't know. I never saw beyond the first season of what the Brits did so I can't say for sure, but I think one of the things we yanks changed was occasionally making characters like Michael Schott (Steve Carell) and Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson) occasionally sympathetic. I know Schott's English counterpart Ricky Gervais (David Brent) was never anything but detestable, and in fact you could say the same about Schott in the first season of the American rip-off which more closely followed the limeys. At this point, you not only DON'T thoroughly hate Schott the same way you do Gervais, but there are some episodes when you actually root for him. Does that make it a better or worse show? I don't know. But it's still funny. And it's still updog.

Top 10 Observations About The X-Files

10. Fox Mulder has been under suspicion of murder so many times, he may as well be a professional athlete.

9. Any television show or film that deals with issues of race is bound to have criticism leveled against it, but I think the makers of The X-Files were particularly stupid when it came to handling such issues. If the scribes of the show are to be believed, every single non-white race harbors an unspoken, forbidden knowledge about some kind of magic that exists in the world. I don't know if the creators were just insensitive and stupid, or if Chris Carter went to a Chinese restaurant once and couldn't figure out how they made their dumplings so good if it wasn't magic.

8. A lot of folks have said that if Othello and Hamlet had switched places, both plays would've been much shorter. Othello, it is said, would've taken decisive action against Claudius as soon as he learned of his father's murder, while on the other hand lago would've never been able to outsmart Hamlet. I think you can find something similar between Agent Mulder of The X-Files and Agent Cooper of Twin Peaks. Mulder would've been looking for a supernatural explanation for Laura Palmer's murder as soon as he arrived in the goofy little town. Also, Mulder remembers his supernatural rules and never would've let himself run away from his doppleganger in The Black Lodge. Meanwhile, Cooper is open-minded about stupid conspiracy theories and the supernatural, but his priority has always been solving the crime rather than finding proof of the existence of aliens or vampires or the Great Pumpkin. And he would've asked Scully out rather than pining after her for years and calling phone sex numbers.

7. I think if I found out my tax dollars were being spent trying to find Moth Men and werewolves and the like...I would probably think it was the coolest fucking thing in the world and would find a way to give more money to it every year.

6. I think I'm probably not considered a true X-Files fan by some because, ironically, while it was primarily considered a show about aliens, the "mythology" episodes - the ones that featured the ongoing alien/government conspiracy storyline - were my least favorite. In fact, when I think of the truly great episodes, none of them were mythology shows.

5. If you are a certain thing, you will die. If you are the jerk in a horror movie, you will die. If you are the protagonist's partner in a cop movie, you will die. And if you have any kind of hard evidence about the existence of aliens that you intend to give to Mulder and/or Scully, you better get your shit in order. Because in spite of how paranoid Mulder and Scully are, despite the fact that most of the episode will be dedicated to you and the knowledge you hold, despite the fact that they've been doing it for years, and despite the fact that they're both highly trained and armed, Mulder and/or Scully are going to leave you alone and defenseless in an abandoned warehouse. Then they'll act surprised when they come back and find you hanging from the ceiling with a suicide note written by three different people.

4. Never bring Fox Mulder to a production of Peter Pan. At the part where you're supposed to clap if you believe, Mulder gets up on the stage and gives testimony under oath. It's really awkward. Usually he makes the kids cry.

3. "Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space'" is, I feel, simply one of the best episodes of any television show, ever. And Jesse Ventura is in it. Which is cool.

2. I think if Fox Mulder's parents had named him something that wouldn't get him beat up at school, a lot of the series could've been avoided.

1. Scully's breast size fluctuates throughout the series. It both excites me and makes me feel betrayed.

Top 10 Reactions To Watching Television After Going Without For A While

10. Jeff Goldblum as a police detective. What? Was Larry David busy?

9. Groomer Has It? That's the name of a show? Groomer Has It. Really? I mean, really?

8. Some people think Gene Simmons' reality show isn't staged, and I think that's funny.

7. Some people think there are reality shows that aren't staged, and I think that's funny.

6. You can't do Scrubs without Zach Braff. It's stupid to try. It'd be like doing Lord of the Rings without Frodo. He's the heart of the show. And he's adorable. And I'm not ashamed to say that. Though I will only say it once.

5. Watching a couple of House re-runs got me thinking. Specifically they were of the season where House picks his new lackies. I never watched the season from start to finish, but basically House stages a competition with a whole bunch of doctors, and he slowly eliminates them until he chooses a few to be his new peepz. I just think it's interesting that reality television has become so insanely popular that now fictional television shows are copying them to keep their ratings up. I think they should revive The Smurfs and do the same thing with that. Instead of House, make it Smurfette, and...well you know what the contest's for.

4. It really does amaze me that the reality shows that focus on fashion and modeling feature the UGLIEST fucking people I've ever seen in my life. My girlfriend watches America's Next Top Model. With the sole exception of Tyra Banks, everyone on that show - including the contestants and the judges - looks like they're about ten seconds away from getting saddles thrown on their backs and mounted by the Riders of Rohan.

3. I like books.

2. Women of the world, please stop whatever you're doing and listen to me very carefully. STOP. FALLING. IN. LOVE. WITH. VAMPIRES. They're bad. Not as bad as zombies, but still bad. Stop it. Those fangs aren't there to tickle your nipples. They're there to end your stupid, horny existence.

1. I was flipping channels, don't remember what station, but the host of a program teased the rest of the show by pointing out that, after a commercial break, he was going to drink wood.

Dear TV people. New Ideas. You need them.

Uncle Ick's Top 10 Favorite Comedians

10. Dick Cheney.

9. Eddie Izzard.

8. Jon Stewart.

7. Stephen Colbert.

6. Bill Murray.

5. Henry Rollins (not his spoken-word - his music is funnier).

4. Stephen Wright.

3. George Carlin.

2. Me.

1. Jesus.

Top 10 Reasons Why Batman's War On Crime In Gotham Never Works

10. No Hulk.

9. That whole thing about ordinary criminals refraining from their dastardly deeds for fear of Batman is an urban legend. In reality, they do more crap just so they can get beat up by him. They even have a points system in place. Five points for getting beat up by him, ten points if he hangs you off a roof and interrogates you, and a whopping 50 points if he cums on your face.

8. Because the justice system is weak and ineffectual. And there's only one of him, while criminals run legion.

7. Superman air-shuttles criminals from Metropolis to Gotham just to fuck with him.

6. It's called "Gotham." It pretty much has to have a lot of crime or else they'd have to change the name.

5. Glen Danzig.

4. All the Gotham criminals have figured out that if they want to do bad shit, just do it on Saturday night. No one knows why exactly, but apparently a lot of Gotham clubs host "Gay Night" on Saturdays.

3. Robin lets one out of every two criminals go for job security.

2. Apparently hanging people off rooftops, beating them up, trying to run them over with super-cars, or just chasing them down while dressed up as a bat all count as cruel and unusual punishment.

1. The criminals were ready to quit until the Joker brought back Hawaiian Shirt Friday. Fringe benefits promote retention.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Hate Star Trek

10. It's fucking boring.

9. Race. Star Trek has always used their different alien races to distribute fluffy messages about racial harmony. But if you look a bit more closely, it's actually an extremely racist franchise in that every alien character is completely defined by his/her race. I mean, why is Worf so special? Worf is so special because, unlike other Kling-Ons, every now and then he doesn't feel like murdering someone. There's nothing else significant about his character. That's it. Everything about Worf revolves around the fact that he's a Kling-On who's different from other Kling-Ons because he was raised by humans. It's like watching a movie in which the primary message is "Hey look! A black guy! And he knows how to read!" Oh, and if you ever want to see that movie, it's called Finding Forrester.

8. Listening to Star Trek fans talk about how talented the Trek actors are. Please. If it weren't for NPR, Kate Mulgrew would be living off action figure royalties. And if it weren't for the fact that there simply was no other choice in casting Professor X, Patrick Stewart would be knocking on directors' office doors, begging to give BJ's for money. Make it so!

7. The Ferrengei - a bit of a disturbing example of Reason #9. Let's see, they're little, hunched over, rat-like people who do nothing but hoard money. Hmmm...greedy rat-people...that sounds like a stereotype I've heard before, where'd you guys get that idea? (*cough*Berlin*cough*)

6. The Borg. Everyone loves the Borg. Fuck the Borg. The Borg are stupid. The Borg are stupid because they don't live up to the hype. The Borg are supposed to be super Darwin machines. They adapt and evolve to any situation. One strategy doesn't work, they use another. Shoot 'em, and within seconds they'll figure out a way to render themselves invulnerable to your weapons. So...the Borg try to wipe out the Federation - WITH ONLY ONE SHIP. They get as far as Earth's very doorstep, wiping out everything in their path, but the Enterprise crew manages to foil their plans just in time (surprise!). So then what happens? Star Trek: First Contact. The Borg attempt to wipe out the Federation again, AGAIN with only one ship. And of course, again, they fail. So...tell me, if these guys are all super-adapto, and they nearly defeated an intergalactic empire with only one fucking ship, do you think the second time they might, oh I don't know, SPRING FOR TWO?!?!?! Hell, how about three? I know, I know, gotta be careful about government spending and all that, but I think three ships isn't too excessive.

5. Wesley Crusher. Do I need to go on? No I don't. Wesley Crusher.

4. They killed Captain Kirk by having a bridge fall on top of him. COME ON! It's KIRK! He should die either in hand-to-hand combat with some super cyborg samurai, or while having sex with that green-skinned dancing chick.

3. All the stupid doctors. Why do they even need doctors? All they do is wave glowy shit at people and they're fine. I could do that.

2. Every alien race is either extremely logical and robot-like, or extremely illogical and war-like. Why aren't there alien races that are just like, you know, all chill? "We're the Temlanians! We just kinda hang out. We have chips."

1. They let Whoopi Goldberg have a part. That should cover it.

Top 10 Things I Learned From Buffy the Vampire Slayer

10. Vampires rise from their graves with super strength, insatiable hunger, and an intricate knowledge of martial arts.

9. Vampires can't breathe, but they can smoke. Beat that.

8. If a villain becomes popular, don't automatically respond to that popularity by making him a good guy. If you have to have him on every week, just have him introduce a new invention at the beginning of every episode like on Aqua Teen Hunger Force. GENTLEMEN!

7. There are a lot of things you need to make a great, classic, innovative television show. Acting talent isn't necessarily one of them.

6. Not everything is like a war, Joss. High school is not like a war. High school cliques are not like a war. Hiding in your house with a few dozen teenage girls is not like a war. Not everything is like a war, Joss. Not everything.

5. If you kill a character, intend to bring him back, and want that return to be a surprise to any of your viewers, putting his name in the opening credits of every episode is probably a bad idea.

4. Eliza Dushku was a regular in two seasons of Buffy, and one season of the spin-off Angel. And she had brief appearances in one season of the former, two seasons of the latter. She still gets acting gigs. That corny thing your parents and teachers tell you about you being able to do anything you want to do? It's true, dammit. God help us, it's true.

3. English people spend a lot of time getting beat up. They actually don't do a whole lot else.

2. Anti-immigration legislation is not only immoral, but completely unnecessary. There are far fewer non-white people in Southern California than we've been led to believe.

1. Leprechauns aren't real.

Top 10 Best Super-Villains

10. Darth Vader.



Vader's mark on America's pop culture landscape cannot be denied. But he's on the bottom of my list because his bark is so much worse than his bite. He fought Count Dooku, and in spite of being aided by Kenobi, got his arm cut off. He fought Kenobi twice. The last time they fought, he failed to kill Kenobi, who gave himself up to the force. The first time they fought, Vader ended up missing most of his limbs and on fire. He fought his son twice. His son escaped the first time, and kicked his ass the second. The shittiest sports teams have a better record than this asshole, and yet he's treated as the stuff of nightmares. I could kick his ass.


9. Sho'nuff.



Dude, that first shot when Sho'nuff breaks out the energy fists on Bruce Leroy is epic.


8. Mojojojo.



He's a monkey with a giant brain. His name has 3 O's and 3 J's and is one of the most deliciously fun names to pronounce. That's really it.


7. Hannibal Lecter.



Yes, he is a super-villain. He eats people. He has super-smelling. And he'll make you commit seppuku if you jizz on his guests.


6. The Mandrill.



Kind of obscure, but he's got a special place in my heart. Mainly because he's a super-villain who's obviously gay even though this has never been explicitly mentioned in the comics.

Let me explain. The Mandrill is a mutant, like the X-men, who was born with the body of a baboon, and the power to control the minds of women. He has ambitions towards global domination. Why do I claim he's gay? Well, people with goals towards global domination generally have anger issues. If you're a heterosexual man who can make women do anything you want, in spite of the fact that you look like a fucking monkey, exactly what do you have to be angry about?

If he's gay, however, it all makes sense. Imagine how angry you would be if you were a gay man who looked like a monkey, you were gifted with mind-controlling powers but they only worked on people you didn't want to have sex with, and you were constantly coming into contact with physically perfect men in skintight clothes, but all of them wanted to beat you up. Yes, this would lead to anger issues.


5. Galactus.



He eats planets. Not only is that unbelievably cool, but imagine the potential for humor. If he eats planets, what does he shit? If he eats China, will he be hungry again a half hour later?


4. Lex Luthor.



Just one of the classics, he can't not be on the list. I've always been a Marvel man myself, so I'm not intimately familiar with him. The one thing that's interesting is that he's one of the few villains I liked better in the film adaptations - both in the form of Gene Hackman and Kevin Spacey. Neither played the comic book Luthor, but both were unbelievably fun. I might feel different if I'd read a lot of Superman before seeing the movies, but I didn't, and I don't.


3. The Joker.



There is something so powerful about the Batman/Joker conflict that I can never clearly put my finger on. There are a lot of things going on between those two. Order vs. chaos, society vs. anarchy, and of course there's a sexual element that's potent. In fact, in spite of what a smartass I am, I'm not kidding one bit when I say I suspect that the controversy surrounding Brokeback Mountain had something to do with Ledger landing the Joker role in The Dark Knight. That may sound far-fetched, but consider whether or not you think Robert Downey Jr.'s very public drug addiction had nothing at all to do with his casting as Iron Man - the first superhero to ever suffer from chemical abuse (he's an alcoholic). Regardless, there's something more with Batman/Joker than a jester provoking a knight. To put it simply, the Joker feels like someone reveling in his deviant sexuality while simultaneously trying to "convert" Batman and feeling superior to him because of Batman's inability to surrender to his desire. Maybe that's reading too much into it, but when you think about superheroes as much as I do, it doesn't seem that crazy.


2. Doctor Doom.



If Marvel Comics gave me a call and told me I could write one issue of a comic book, and I would never be able to write another comic book ever, Doom would be my villain.

Not only is he a villainous mastermind, but can kick most heroes' asses before they even know his foot is on its way. He's noble, tragic, and utterly ruthless. The scene in Secret Wars when Doom attacks the all-powerful Beyonder is, to me, the definitive comic book super-villain moment. A Luciferean bastard striving against creation itself, knowing he can't possibly win, surviving only on his love for himself and hatred for everything else.


1. God.



He's announced his intention to destroy the world, and has a rather large percentage of humanity waiting for it hopefully. That's one devious bastard for ya.

Top 10 Women I Want To Have Sex With Even Though I Don't Know Their Names

10. Lost and Law & Order: SVU Chick



You know how you'll see an actor and know in your bones you've seen him/her somewhere before, but you just can't place it, and you keep beating your head trying to figure out who it is because for some reason you think checking IMDB would be cheating and you'd get less Get-Into-Heaven points for doing it?

Well, when this chick showed up on Lost, I was visited by this familiar torture, and at the same time I was sure that whenever I had seen her in whatever show or film I had seen her in, she had made my jeans tight.

Eventually, I gave up and checked IMDB, but at first that didn't help. I couldn't see anything in her entry that I recognized. The only thing was Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, but that didn't help. Who the hell hasn't been on one or more of those shows?

Then I remembered. She was in one of the more memorable episodes of Law & Order: SVU. She played a mother on trial for killing her newborn baby and dumping it in the East River. So, yeah it sort of bothered me that I remembered her with such tumescence, but not too much.

In this picture she's all laughy, but usually she has this quiet, intense look on her face. Like she's either going to jump your bones or conspire your violent downfall. Or both. That's kind of cool.


9. House's Boss



I don't think House's boss seemed very attractive to me at first, but over time somehow House convinced me she was hot. She kind of seems like the less she likes you as a person, the more she wants to mate with you. I'm going to write a 10 page list of insults and send them to her.


8. Skinny Chick from Kalifornia and ST: TNG



She was in Kalifornia, she was a morally ambiguous alien on Star Trek: The Next Generation, and got JFK'd in the new Battlestar Galactica.

I think she's hot. That is all.


7. Chick from Angel and Law & Order



She was in Angel. She was in Law & Order. I don't know which one she was in first. She's got eyes and lips that make me go googly in the knees. And her character never had sex with Angel, so she's a-okay in my book.


6. In Plain Sight Chick



She's hot and she's got a gun. Plus, according to the commercials, her sister and mother tend sleep with her boyfriends. Three for one!


5. Police Captain from Psych



She's just cute. I like her.


4. Tony Soprano's Russian Mistress



She's got a sexy accent and nice chestlies. I'd have to get a hypnotist to give her amnesia afterwards or something, though. She's a bit stalker-ish.

Well...actually, what the hell. A stalker would be a nice change.


3. Jenny Calendar from Buffy the Vampire Slayer



I totally would've gone to a monster truck rally with her without complaining. This picture is from the episode when Xander accidentally casts a spell on himself that makes every woman in Sunnydale lust after him - the only episode in which I wanted to be Xander.

Angel killed her though. Stupid Angel.

I totally would have killed that bastard in Season 1.


2. Evil Battlestar Galactica chick



I would SO sell out humanity for some of that. Screw you, Statue of Liberty!


1.Temp Chick - No picture for #1 unfortunately.

Some years ago, I had a temp job at an insurance company. It was only for a week. There was a girl temping with me - very quiet, very shy - and we hit it off. It was tough getting her attention, but it turned out we took the same bus home together, and I got the distinct impression she liked me. I wanted to ask her out, but my plan was to wait until the end of the week, when my temp assignment ended, so there would be no weird "but we work together" stuff.

I came into work on Friday and she wasn't there. She'd called the temp agency and quit. No explanation.

I remembered her telling me the area in which she lived, so I actually spent a couple of afternoons just walking around that area, hoping to run into her, but no joy. And it was a brave act on my part. There was a psychiatric institution nearby, and I was pretty sure if I got too close, the bastards would yank me in with a tractor beam.

Never found her, never saw her again. I had a freaky dream about her a couple of weeks later, but that's for another list.

Uncle Ick's Top Ten Favorite Episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I originally posted this on my first blog, The Daily Burn, and later re-posted it at Superheroes, etc., and well. What do you want? I'm lazy.

Enjoy.

WARNING: There’s no way for me to explain why these episodes deserve Top Ten treatment without giving out a SPOILER here and there. So, now you’re warned.

And so, without further preamble . . .


TEN: “SUPERSTAR”

Season Four, Episode 17, Air date: 4/4/00
Written by Jane Espenson, Directed by David Grossman

Plenty of Buffy episodes deal with magic spells and curses affecting the entire population of Sunnydale. Number Ten in Mick’s Ten Best of Buffy is one of the only episodes in which not only is the spell working as soon as the episode begins, but it actually changes the opening credits.







Mixed in with the credits are shots of a short, baby-faced geek brandishing crossbows, disarming time bombs, and just all-around trying and failing to appear like a mixture of James Bond and Buffy’s broody ex-boyfriend. Longtime watchers will recognize him as Jonathan, a Sunnydale High misfit who did little more than take beatings from jocks and monsters alike in the second and third seasons of the show. Before “Superstar” his only prominent appearances included a botched suicide attempt in Season 3’s “Earshot” and his presentation of a class award to Buffy later that season in “The Prom”.

Jonathan creates a whole new world in “Superstar”. Along with usurping Buffy’s position as premiere superhero of Sunnydale, in his world Jonathan starred in The Matrix, invented the Internet, produced a line of successful Big Band albums, and apparently his trumpet playing is the fire that fuels the passion of Xander and Anya’s relationship.

Besides the clever handling of the opening credits and the introduction of the spell, what I liked most about this episode was how Jonathan’s motives and actions were dealt with. While it’s clear Jonathan is the antagonist of the episode and that he wants to keep his illusion alive, he’s never depicted at being at all malicious. At worst, when Buffy begins to figure out what’s going on, he’s evasive and conflicted. When he uses his new status as confidant to both Buffy and Riley (Buffy’s Season 4 love interest), as condescending a prick as he is, he sincerely wants to help them. He’s part of something that will become a common theme in Mick’s “Ten Best Buffy”: an example that the more human Whedon & Co. rendered their bad guys, the more the characters enriched the story.



NINE: “HUSH”

Season 4, Episode 10, Air date: 12/14/99
Written and Directed by Joss Whedon

The famous silent episode of Buffy (well, not COMPLETELY silent), “Hush” introduced fans to perhaps the creepiest villains of the series: the wordless, grinning ghouls known as The Gentlemen.

A lot is made of the silent aspect of “Hush,” and I won’t deny it’s impressive and entertaining. Perhaps my favorite scene involves Giles educating Buffy and the Scoobies on The Gentlemen while using some bloody transparencies on a projector with musical accompaniment.



But with or without dialogue, the stars of this episode are The Gentlemen. The physical aspects of monsters on Buffy tended to be adequate at best, campy at worst. It was okay, you accepted it because it was part of the show’s charm, but it was rare that the creative staff managed to design a very simple monster that was genuinely scary. The Gentlemen are such beasts. Caught in perpetual steel grins, floating a few feet above the pavement, and exchanging polite and silent niceties with each other even as they cut out a victim’s heart, The Gentleman were - without a doubt - the most bone-chillingly creepiest villains to ever go toe-to-toe with Buffy. The silent aspect of the episode, for me, was just icing on the cake.




EIGHT: “RESTLESS”

Season 4, Episode 22, Air date: 5/23/00
Written and Directed by Joss Whedon

“Restless” is unique in a lot of ways, but first and foremost it differs in that it was the Season 4 finale, and yet was the only finale of any Buffy season that didn’t feature the climax between the forces of good and evil for that particular year. Instead, it deals with a danger that arises after the Big Bad has already been vanquished.

In the previous episode, “Primeval”, Buffy defeats a demon/human cyborg named Adam by temporarily merging her spirit with those of Xander, Giles, and Willow. In “Restless”, we find that the spirit of the first Slayer was offended by the merging as she seeks to murder Buffy’s three closest allies in their dreams.

Since most of the episode features dream sequences, there’s a lot of Lynch influence here, even a blatant homage (during Willow’s dream sequence there’s an abundance of red curtain everywhere). Since I’ve never experienced a dream nearly as coherent as most dream sequences you find on TV or film, I appreciate Whedon’s commitment to nonsense throughout the episode. Characters speak ridiculous lines of dialogue that sometimes hold metaphorical gems, and other times are just a little goofy.

Visually, it’s one of the most impressive episodes of the series. Scenes jump between color and black-and-white, locales merge so that Xander’s basement apartment seems to connect to just about every other setting in the series, and perfectly dreamlike scenarios pop up like Giles and Spike on playground swings or Giles doling out his usual research instructions to Xander and Willow, except singing them as a part of a rock band at the Bronze.





There’s also some prophesizing in the episode, some obviously intentional, some obviously not. In Buffy’s dream sequence, Tara utters the same words Dracula would speak to her in the first episode of Season 5, and follows it with “Be back before Dawn.” There’s a lot of other stuff in there, but it’s more fun to find it yourself.



What I liked most about “Restless,” was that it was the first really sober and serious look at Xander’s character, particularly when it comes to how his situation with his parents has shaped him. It’s hinted at throughout the series, but it’s usually more of a joke than anything (usually used as fodder for Cordelia’s insults). While I know pretty much everything about Xander is treated as a joke, considering the setting (Southern California, in neighborhoods in which wallets aren’t exactly overflowing with food stamps), the “poor boy” jokes always left a bad taste in my mouth. It was one of the few aspects of Buffy that genuinely offended me, though obviously not enough to drive me away. “Restless” was the first time the surface of Xander’s relationship with his family was scratched, though unfortunately it pretty much ended there.



SEVEN: “GRADUATION DAY part 1 & 2"

Season 3, Episodes 21 & 22, Air Dates: 5/18/99 & 7/13/99
Written and Directed by Joss Whedon

Along with offering a thundering climax to Buffy’s third season and helping to set up the first season of Angel, “Graduation Day” marked the end of an era. It would be a mistake to claim that the finale marked a “jump the shark” point, but the feel of the show was never the same once its heroes graduated. There was a particular chemistry between the characters in Sunnydale High that would never be repeated (which, you know, was kind of the point).

“Graduation Day” wasn’t particularly unique among Buffy season finales, other than the number of new developments. The episode gave viewers a surprising alliance between the students of Sunnydale High, the school’s destruction, the death of Principal Snyder as well as some of the more peripheral characters, Buffy severing ties with the Watcher’s Council, a final break-up between Buffy and Angel as well as a bloody pseudo-sex scene between the two, and an equally bloody climax to the conflict between Buffy and Faith the rogue slayer.



When choosing my Top Ten, I was usually careful not to choose something simply because it featured a so-called milestone event (e.g., episodes featuring the first appearances of characters who would later be key figures in the series, episodes featuring the deaths of regular characters, etc.), but “Graduation Day” is chock full of them. The episode is all about change, after all, and the new developments were necessary to get that across.

And you can’t go wrong with two of the series’ most engaging villains: Mayor Wilkins and his protege Faith. As much as I always felt Eliza Dushku was one of the least impressive actors on the series, the conflict between Faith and Buffy was riveting regardless. Harry Groener is equally fatherly, genial, and absolutely vicious as Mayor Wilkins. He remains one of the most genuinely intimidating and enjoyable Buffy bad guys. Both characters serve as examples of how the antagonists of Buffy could engage the audience better when they were more human than demon. Few of the “Big Bads” after Wilkins/Faith succeeded as well.






SIX: “BECOMING part 1 & 2"

Season 2, Episodes 21 & 22, Air Dates: 5/12/98 & 5/19/98
Written and Directed by Joss Whedon

“Becoming” would, um, become a model for future episodes highlighting the early days of recurring vampire characters. Mixing the present story with scenes from Angel’s devilish past and the beginnings of his attempts to reconcile that past, “Becoming” gave its audience a prologue that rendered Buffy’s sacrifice of Angel that much more powerful.



The sacrifice of Angel showed how Buffy had evolved into a woman who was willing to do the unthinkable for the sake of the world and simultaneously how she could never fit into the narrow role her heroic lineage dictated, served as a metaphor for the difficulty of letting go of destructive lovers, and gave Buffy viewers one of the most heartbreaking conclusions in the series (if not in the history of television).

On a side note, “Becoming” also rid the series of Kendra the slayer. Not only did this make way for Faith, but also did away with criminally fake accents until they reared their ugly heads again in Season 7.






FIVE: “THE GIFT”

Season 5, Episode 22, Air Date: 5/22/01
Written and Directed by Joss Whedon

Never has a better episode of a TV series been made whose centerpiece was a fierce battle for the life of a character as annoying as Dawn Summers.

More than anything else, “The Gift” is a perfect example of how Whedon & co. manage to take a bunch of ridiculous elements that by all rights should never appear as anything but ridiculous and make them work. The combatants of the battle include a lovesick vampire, a Buffy decoy robot originally designed as a sex toy, and a vampire slayer battling a demon goddess with martial arts and a hammer stolen from a troll that would make mjolnir feel inadequate. Somehow, they make it work, and not just as a comedy.

Just as heartbreaking as “Becoming”, “The Gift” is something of a reflection of that earlier two-parter. As ill-equipped as she was for the viciousness required to fulfill her expected role, Buffy “rose to the challenge” when she sent Angel to hell. Finally and unequivocally unwilling to play the part that’s been forced upon her, Buffy sacrifices herself rather than even humor the possibility of again killing a loved one. It’s her final abandonment of everything she was supposed to be.



Considering her death at the end of the episode, the high quality of Season 5 as a whole, and the mixed quality of what would come after, one could argue that the series would have been better left at the end of “The Gift”.




FOUR: "ONCE MORE, WITH FEELING"

Season 6, Episode 7, Air Date: 11/6/01
Written and Directed by Joss Whedon

I hate musicals.

I worked for a local non-profit musical theater organization as a carpenter/stagehand for four summers. Before the end of the first summer, I was drawing pictures of men wearing Miss Saigon t-shirts hanging from nooses in letters to friends. And no, I don’t fucking think it’s so fucking nice to have fucking Dolly right fucking back where she fucking belongs. Fuck Dolly and everyone who looks like Dolly.

So I was not happy about the prospect of having to watch a musical episode of Buffy, but I was pleasantly surprised. "Once More, With Feeling" is now one of the most repeatedly played episode on my DVD player.



One of the things I hate most about musicals is the one-dimensional characterization. Everything, after all, is secondary to the silly singing and dancing. In the case of "Once More, With Feeling", I already knew the characters in question, and so there was never any threat that they would seem shallow or ill-conceived. Also, the sheer absurdity of the idea lent itself so well to the show.

As anyone who’s ever heard the opening theme from Firefly (which Whedon wrote) will attest, Joss Whedon has a rare gift of making his songs completely applicable to a very specific situation, while at the same time rendering them universal. Most of the episode's songs could be completely relevant outside Buffy. For example a line like "Nothing seems to penetrate my heart" from "Going Through The Motions" could easily be injected into songs having nothing to do with vampires or legendary woman warriors, but it makes the line that much better when Buffy sings it as she slams a stake into a vampire’s chest.



The episode also holds a special place for this humble viewer, in that - while the series finale was a year and a half way - it represents something of an emotional climax to the series. It was one of the last episodes with a unified group of Scoobies. Shortly afterwards Giles left for England, Xander and Anya split, Willow turned to the dark side, and Spike tried to rape Buffy. With the Summers home filled with Slayer-wanna-be’s in Season 7, the group of heroes would never really be the same. While I’m sure some may disagree, I feel it was also the series finale as far as quality was concerned. In fact my girlfriend (whose opinions have done quite a bit to influence my choices for the Top Ten) feels the rest of Season 6 may have suffered from the amount of time and energy put into the musical episode.






THREE: "FOOL FOR LOVE"

Season 5, Episode 7, Air Date: 11/14/00
Written by Douglas Petrie, Directed by Nick Marck

It isn't unreasonable to think that "Fool for Love" is on the list just because Spike is one of my favorite recurring characters on the show.

Still, I think its spot on the list is well-deserved. Despite the fact that one could argue its mixing of flashback scenes of Spike’s early history with the present storyline makes it little more than a clone of "Becoming", there’s a lot about "Fool for Love" that distinguishes it from the earlier two-parter and even improves upon it.



Unlike Angel or Drusilla, Spike is neither a psychotic nor a brooding guilt-machine. The element that makes him so fun to watch, an element that was never better illustrated than in "Fool for Love", is that he’s all about viciously reveling in what he is. When the 70's slayer smashes his head through the window of a subway train and he screams, the scream isn’t one of pain but of absolute joy. The joy of someone who's exactly where he wants to be.



Also, while the flashbacks of "Becoming" served mainly as build-up to Angel’s fall, "Fool for love" both expanded on Spike’s character and acted as a parallel to Buffy’s inner conflict. When - in past and present - Spike brings his hands together inches from Buffy’s nose, it’s one of the most powerful moments ever between the two characters.



Another thing I love about the flashbacks - something I actually considered a downside until I was thinking about it in preparation for this review - is that, unlike "Becoming", Spike’s origin story is told directly from Spike’s lips and so the picture we get is tainted. Continuity hounds will remember, for example, that Angel was Spike’s sire (i.e., Angel turned Spike into a vampire). However, in "Fool for Love", it’s implied that Drusilla was his sire instead. Considering the sexuality inherent in Buffy vampirism, Spike might not like the idea of telling Buffy that it was a man who turned him, much less Angel. Likewise, Spike depicts Angel as a relatively tight-assed vampire who slaps Spike down every time he goes wild and takes risks. Of course, when Angel went to the dark side in Season 2 and allied himself with Spike and Drusilla, it was Spike who got nervous every time Angel got a little too eccentric.



TWO: "PASSION"

Season 5, Episode 17, Air Date: 2/24/98
Written by Ty King, Directed by Michael E. Gershman

In concept, direction, and acting talent "Passion" is uncontested in the entire Buffy collection. It’s as if Whedon injected super-soldier serum into the veins of everyone involved and said, "Oh, I forgot to tell you, this is the episode where you’re all fucking perfect."

There are a lot of things to love about "Passion". With the first death of a recurring good guy - Jenny Calendar - it’s one of the darkest episodes of the series. The funny’s still there (particularly with Cordelia’s attempts to de-invite Angel from her car), but it takes a backseat. Instead of the usual straightman/funnyman chemistry between Giles and Xander, the two nearly come to blows. Joyce’s conscious ignorance of her daughter’s weird night life begins to chip away when she finds out Buffy lost her virginity to Angel. Giles’s emotional walls come tumbling down when Jenny’s death sends him on a collision course with Angel (with a scene that makes you jump in your chair and cheer the first time you see it).



I’ve always felt Boreanaz was better as a villain than a hero and "Passion" saw his greatest portrayal of the soulless Angel. More than anything else, "Passion" conveys the sense that when it comes to Angel’s love for Buffy, nothing has changed. He still loves her, it’s just that love from a psychotic vampire (particularly one that’s been locked up for over a century) is not a good thing. Or, as Willow aptly puts it to Buffy, "You’re still all he thinks about." It's a feeling that was lost towards the end of the season, but that doesn't take away any of this episode's awesome power.




ONE: "THE PROM"

Season 3, Episode 20, Air Date: 5/18/99
Written by Marti Noxon, Directed by David Solomon

"The Prom" aired right before the two-part conclusion to the third season, "Graduation Day". Haunted by dark dreams as well as Joyce’s hard words, Angel is finally convinced that Buffy’s attachment to him will destroy her in the end, and breaks up with her. As she’s still dealing with the break-up, the Scoobies discover a Sunnydale High misfit plans on unleashing a pack of Hellhounds on the senior class during the prom. Determined to prevent the attack before so much as one demon can make its way to the school, Buffy orders the rest of the gang to the prom so they can enjoy what she suspects might be one of their final nights on Earth (by this point, the Scoobies are well aware of the Mayor’s apocalyptic plans and aren’t convinced they can stop them).



Buffy succeeds in stopping the hounds - killing the last one even as he tears at the gymnasium door - and eventually makes her way to the prom. Shortly afterwards, some of the most heartbreaking, tear-jerking, and bittersweet scenes ever aired on television unfold. If this show doesn’t make you cry, your heart’s more stonier than Ben Grimm.

As time goes by after your first viewing, the episode just becomes more powerful. For a regular viewer of the show it’s near impossible to watch the final slow dance of the episode without thinking about your own torrential teenage days, particularly when you consider how the assembled heroes would eventually scatter; either through death, transfer to another show, or, er, cheating-by-werewolf.



It’s also an example of how Whedon & Co. mastered the art of suspense. It's difficult for me to read or view any kind of action-oriented story and really doubt that the heroes will prevail. Whedon’s always kept me on my toes. Even more recently, with Serenity, I was all but convinced that he planned on killing the entire cast before the credits rolled. Usually, he keeps his viewers doubts alive with his unswerving willingness to mercilessly slaughter favorite characters, and usually in ways that are not nearly as dignified and heroic as Spike’s (temporary) death in the series finale. While part of me still protests the brutal end Anya met in the same episode, I have to admit that it succeeded in convincing me that the bad guys actually had a chance of winning.

With "The Prom" however, the creative team not only didn’t kill anyone, they gave viewers such a picturesque conclusion that you couldn’t help but think that things were two seconds away from going to complete Hell. It just felt too happy to not be followed up with a slaughterhouse.



The first stop at cheesiness is Buffy’s receipt of the Class Protector Award from the Prom Committee. The creative team, as usual, diffuses the cheesiness with well-placed humor, and after three years of Buffy’s selfless heroics for the sake of a seemingly ungrateful student body, she finally gets the recognition she’s deserved. Like the earlier episode "Gingerbread," it touches upon what might be considered a glaring discrepancy in the series: the sheer number of battles between the heroes and clearly supernatural beasts vs. the town’s apparent ignorance of anything strange going on. You can’t help but wonder, with three years of Sunnydale High superheroism under her belt, why the sheer numbers of students Buffy had saved hadn’t helped her get a notch or two up the social ladder. With the restraints of cliques and high school social status about to dissipate, the students finally show their true colors. It’s not only a surprisingly affecting scene, but absolutely necessary. Without it, the Scoobies’ recruitment and organization of the senior class at the end of "Graduation Day" would never have made sense.



Angel’s appearance in the last few minutes shouldn’t affect you, but it does. You can’t help it. You’re softened a little by Xander’s final peacemaking with Cordelia, reduced to the durability of Nerf by the award ceremony, and when Angel shows up - even though you knew as soon as he broke up with her that he’d show up at the prom anyway - you’re done. It’s over. You’re a weep-monster.

"The Prom" was an example of how Whedon not only wonderfully mixed elements of drama, horror, and humor, but also how he turned the horror genre on its head. Just as Buffy was the young, attractive teenage girl who was predator instead of prey to the monsters and villains of horror and slasher flicks, "The Prom" was both a parody of, and a victorious middle finger to, films like Prom Night and Carrie that made high school proms one of the favorite homes of fictional bloodbaths. It was the perfect embodiment of the conceptual genius behind the series, which is why, in my humble opinion, it deserves the title of Best Buffy ever.