Top 10 Reasons Why I'm Positive I Am Completely, Insanely, Ridiculously In Love With A Woman With Whom I've Only Had One Date

10. She has me texting. I even decided to pay $10 extra per month for unlimited texting because she likes to text. Do you know what it’s like for me to text? I have big, meaty, sausage fingers. It’s like watching the Hulk trying to defuse a time bomb. It’s pathetic.

9. She has me running songs from musicals in my head. MUSICALS! I DON’T! EVEN! KNOW! THE FUCKING! WORDS!

8. I saved a voice mail from her just so I can hear her voice whenever I want. Jesus, I’m like a woman...

7. If she asked me to beat you up, I would. Sorry.

6. We went to see Incredible Hulk on our first date, and I couldn’t have cared less about the movie. I’m pretty sure there was a green guy in it. He punched stuff. No time bombs though.

5. I have to stop myself from saying “I love you” on the phone before I hang up.

4. It’s after 2 pm right now, she hasn’t texted me since this morning, and for this reason I’m actually worried she’s found out something bad about me (like my secret job in the Bomb Squad) and has decided never to see or talk to me again.

3. Every time something feels good, it feels like it’s her. I lay on my bed, take off my shirt, open the curtains, and feel a nice ray of sun hit my back? Her. A soft, caressing wind? Her. Morning wood? Her.

2. She has a great chest.

1. As I was cleaning dishes last night, and I put a pot away in a cupboard, I realized it. She was put here for me. I was put here for her. I know it. It’s a prophecy etched in my bones.