Top 10 Reactions To Being Laid Off

10. A lot of people talk about how social networking sites make things more treacherous for employees or potential employees; how people are less productive or how they tend to unwisely post things their employers shouldn't see and almost inevitably will see. I found that yesterday, after being laid off, as I walked from my recently-former job to a bus stop downtown, social networking helped more than it could ever hurt. I was upset and I wanted comfort. I posted what happened on twitter and facebook, but since I didn't want to come off as whiny I forced myself to be funny. The result was that as the well-wishes and support arrived, forcing myself to be funny also forced me to look at things objectively. I was upset and wanted to vent, and who couldn't understand that? But I knew I had two choices: I could hide under the covers for a month and bemoan my lot in life or I could hit the ground running. I don't know if that positive attitude would have settled on me so quickly without the communication with my friends on social networking sites. So no, I don't think calling your boss things that rhyme with "Rock Trucker" on your facebook is wise, but social networking has its uses no matter how easy it is to make fun of.

9. As far as my former employer is concerned, I am content to take the advice of Vince Neil who sang:

Girl, don't go away mad.
Girl, just go away.

In this case, I want to be the girl.

And that's the last time I ever write "I want to be the girl."

8. Being laid off reminds me of how well things work out when I act on my feelings. What I mean is that when I decided to lose weight, I didn't do it because it would help me live longer or because it would help stave off debilitating medical conditions. I didn't do it because it would make me more physically attractive. I did it because, physically, I felt like shit and I didn't want to feel like shit anymore. Same situation when I quit smoking. No one would criticize me for quitting smoking because of all the horrible conditions it can cause, because of the smell, because of the expense, or because of the ever-growing social stigma. I did it because smoking made me feel, physically, like shit and I didn't want to feel like shit anymore. Now, I was obviously very upset after the lay-off, I'm quite active on social networking sites and blogs, and it would have been very easy for me get trigger-happy with my former employer and vent all over the place. There are a lot of good reasons for me to not do that. It would burn bridges. It would certainly not look good to potential employers. It would probably make any former co-workers on Facebook and twitter take me right the hell off their lists because what good would it do them for me to poison their wells? But when it comes right down to it, the reason I didn't do it is that I knew vomiting ill will all over the Internet would just prolong the anger and humiliation. It would just make me feel like shit that much longer. I wish I could say I'm a pragmatist, but when it comes down to it I don't have a Machiavelli bone in my body. I would make the worst Sun-Tzu in the world. I have no mind for strategy. I just don't want to feel like shit.

7. Less than an hour after the lay-off, my phone rang. It was a call for a job interview.

6. Here's how that phone call really made me question my atheism: the job interview is scheduled for Thursday morning. If I had not been laid off, my job duties would have required I drive to Glens Falls - a 45 minute to an hour drive from Albany - Thursday morning. Getting out of the trip to make the interview would have been difficult if not impossible, particularly since I was already supposed to leave early Thursday afternoon for a doctor appointment.

5. For about 2 years I've taken every civil service test I could. I've been to so many tests, I'm surprised the test proctors don't know me by name and give me high-fives on the way in. The tests are held in local high schools on the weekend. I can't believe there are high schools left I haven't taken tests in yet. Albany High, Troy High, Schenectady High, Rensselaer High, OH! By the way. Local High Schools? Make your damn desks bigger already. Don't you know there's an obesity epidemic in this country?

4. When I chose to "hit the ground running," what was most miraculous about the choice was that it was, in fact, a choice. I pictured myself venting and sulking. I pictured myself spending days and and weeks and months fantasizing the epic speeches I would give my former employers; how I would tell them off and make them feel bad. I pictured how miserable every drop of it would make me, and it somehow occurred to me that I could choose to not do that.

3. My job was my job. It helped me pay for food and rent and doctors. Eventually, I came to believe it didn't have much of a future. I felt like I had nowhere else to go; that I was at a dead end. I would lie if I said that right now all I feel is freedom. What happened hurt and it will hurt for a bit, I think. And who wouldn't, in the same situation, want to leave on their own terms? But that job is not my job anymore, I think this is mostly a good thing, and I predict that in time all of me will come to agree with that.

2. Man, there is so much to do.

1. I know all of my friends and loved ones mean well. You've stepped up to comfort and support me in what certainly counts as an hour of crisis and I appreciate that more than you know. But please, you know that I'm just not going to agree to become a male stripper. Yes, I know I got it, but flaunting it feels so...well, frankly it's a little breezy.

Top 10 Thoughts On Highlander

10. For the first time, I browsed the films available for streaming on Hulu. Somehow, I managed to resist the pull of classics like The Adventures of Galgameth and Bloodsport IV: The Dark Kumite to find Highlander, one of maybe 6 movies whose titles I goddamn recognized. My preliminary review is that it's possible Hulu Plus is not worth the extra money.

9. Apparently, the screenwriter of the Twilight adaptations is working on the Highlander remake scheduled for 2014. I look forward to the "I'm On Team Connor!" and "I'm On Team Raped-By-The-Kurgan-In-The-Rubble-Of-A-Tower!" buttons.

8. Speaking of Connor's wife getting raped by The Kurgan, am I the only one who had the thought that - right before The Kurgan attacked - Sean Connery was trying to get it on with Highlander's wife? I'm pretty sure he was trying to get it on with Highlander's wife.

7. While it's customary to bitch about how "They just have to remake everything," I think Highlander is one of the few films that would be served well with a remake.

6. Once Connor kills The Kurgan, that's it. Highlander II, Highlander: Endgame, and every other movie or TV show bearing the name Highlander are considered rogue states in the Republic of Mick. My ambassadors will not acknowledge their legitimacy. Connor killed The Kurgan, Freddie Mercury sang some shit, and the world was a better place. Fade to black.

5. Is it me, or did Connor's first wife seem downright happy when he inexplicably came back to life and was accused of witchcraft? She didn't seem upset at all. She wasn't crying in anguish "NO! My poor husband is possessed by witchcraft! Woe is me!" She's all "Witchcraft! I knew it! I KNEW it! See! SEE?!?!" Don't ever use an ipad around that bitch, or she'll burn you alive.

4. When different Immortals first came in contact with one another, they experienced intense physical pain. Does this mean that me and most of Bravo's programming are Immortal warriors?

3. If I were one of these Immortals, I think I would have developed a much simpler and more effective plan. Part 1 of the plan would involve making money by selling antiques, like Connor. Part 2 of the plan would involve purchasing bazookas.

2. I knew a guy in college - a compulsive liar who often related the real-life kung fu epics that took place in his grade school playground - who watched Highlander every single day. While attending college he was paying alimony and child support to the Russian wife he had ordered through a catalog. I knew him through the campus radio station, and if memory serves he was kicked off the station staff after threatening another DJ with a samurai sword. You know, no matter how far you fall, there's always room for more.

1. If a vampire tried to turn Highlander into a vampire, would the world explode?

Top 10 Reasons Why List SMASH! is back.

10. Money, money, money.

9. In terms of my blogging history, I feel like Superheroes, etc. is my Porno For Pyros, and List SMASH! is my Jane's Addiction. Sure, I might want to move on artistically and try new things, but in the end I always get pulled back to the well. When I write an insightful, but not overly verbose, review of Astro City or the latest Harry Potter movie on Superheroes, etc., the reaction of my readers is not unlike those now-middle-aged fans in Perry Farrell's crowd, yelling "Yeah, yeah, we'd make great pets, that's so clever SING 'JANE SAYS' YOU JUNKIE FUCK!"

8. Writing a top 10 list is remarkably easy. I don't need to worry about whether it's too short or too long. If I remember to count to 10, I win. I don't need to worry about transitions. It doesn't matter if #6 did not thematically link to #5. I am ruled by math.

7. My girlfriend has good memories of List SMASH! And if I'm going to keep stealing money from her purse for liquor I should do something to make it up to her.

6. Gotta do something while the handjob videos download. Some of those files are freaking BIG, man.

5. My deeply rooted insecurity leads me to subconsciously believe that the more people who respond to my writing online, the more people love me.

4. Next time I send a résumé to a potential employer and they don't respond, I won't have to wonder why they didn't respond. I'll assume they found this blog, and then I'll just know.

3. If Ozzy Osbourne can have a farewell tour every few years, I think I'm entitled to stage a return or two.

2. My obscenity-fueled wit offers relief to the pathetic masses yearning for any kind of fleeting distraction from the banal reality awaiting them.

1. If you can do something well, then you should just go ahead and do it. So for me it's either this, or punching monkeys. And punching monkeys is wrong.