Top 10 Reasons Why I Don't Want To Have Sex With A Dude

10. I'm not gay.

9. They're hairy.

8. No vagina.

7. They never call.

6. Cocks are ugly

5. I'd always know when he was faking.

4. Semen is gross.

3. I wouldn't know what toilet position to complain about, or exactly why I was complaining about it.

2. I don't want to confuse my feces.

1. If I ever bleed out of my butt, I want it to be a side-effect of my super powers.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Like Rice

10. You can mix it with anything.

9. It's cheap.

8. You can use any utensil to eat it.

7. Low maintenance.

6. Most people don't like it as much as me, which means I get more.

5. It goes with anything.

4. I don't eat poultry or seafood. Without rice, I would be lost in Asian restaurants.

3. Even I can make it. If you can't make rice, you shouldn't be allowed in a room with electrical outlets.

2. It was never alive.

1. It doubles as currency at Wal-Mart.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Dig Older Women

10. They generally have more money than me.

9. Easier to get drunk.

8. When they call me a "naughty" or "bad" boy, it's more convincing.

7. The fact that I have no car doesn't bother them. They used to walk their horses to school.

6. They cook better than young chicks.

5. Whenever I burp, they don't chastise me. They just figure they hit my back.

4. Spanking is more convincing.

3. Why read about history when I can get it from the source?

2. No uterus, no condom.

1. Whenever she dresses up as a nurse, librarian, teacher, George Washington, etc., it's more convincing.

Top 10 Best Things About My New Apartment

10. No parents.

9. It's only a few blocks from my job.

8. No parents.

7. I've seen two of my neighbors so far, and they're both hot chicks.

6. I don't have a working doorbell, which offers an extra barrier to parents.

5. I have my own storage space.

4. It's only a few blocks from the comic book shop.

3. Gas stove. I don't trust electrical stoves. If you can't light your cigarette on it while singing your hair, it ain't a stove.

2. It's an attic apartment. Most of the windows don't have shades, because they don't need shades. No one outside a helicopter can see inside. So I can walk around half-nekkid as much as I want without traumatizing local children.

1. Lasers (seriously).

Top 10 Reasons Why Bears Hibernate

10. They save on power bills.

9. No winter boots.

8. Sick and tired of It's a Wonderful Life.

7. They do nothing but sit at home and sleep. Yeah, it's so different from what you do. Racist.

6. They don't like Christmas shopping.

5. Glen Danzig.

4. No foliage.

3. Bears have 23 wet dreams per hour.

2. On the weekends leading up to Christmas, claymation elves descend from the North Pole and hunt down the largest animals they can find. They ritualize every kill by severing and eating the testicles while singing about friendship.

1. Sleep cures herpes.

Top 10 Stupid Clichés

10. "You can't have your cake and eat it too." Then why did I buy the cake? Dumbass.

9. "Every cloud has a silver lining." How the fuck would you know? Can I borrow your magic carpet so I can see for myself?

8. "The bigger they are, the harder they fall." Yeah, but first you have to get them to fall. That part's tough.

7. "Every rose has its thorns." Isn't this why gardeners carry sharp things?

6. "It's always darkest before the dawn." No it isn't. What freaky hemisphere do you live in?

5. "The pen is mightier than the sword." Good to know. When my daimyo orders me to restore my honor by committing ritual suicide, I'll go to the corner store and buy a pack of bic pens.

4. "Boys will be boys!" Whoa! What a prediction! Psychic powers are real!

3. "All is fair in love and war." Try that argument at Nuremberg, dickhead.

2. "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Why? Did someone sneak a velociraptor egg in there?

1. "Behind every great man is a woman." He must really be great. I couldn't pull that position off.

Top 10 Reasons Why There Were No Lists Last Week

10. I just moved to a new place, and opted to spend most of my free time cleaning, organizing, etc.

9.You still don't deserve it.

8. So many Buffy episodes, so little time.

7. No, okay. I didn't do any lists. And no, I didn't see Incredible Hulk yet either. Or Iron Man. Fucking kill me. KILL ME!

6. Glen Danzig.

5. I've been spending too much time in the company of Southerners. I forgot how to count to ten.

4. It's just what Lex Luthor would've expected.

3. I tried, I swear. Monday night I was writing a Top 10 list of reasons why amnesia is cool. But then I hit my head and thought I was Danny Glover for a week. And I figured I'm gettin' too old for this shee-it.

2. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And hopefully the genitals.

1. Canadians.

Top 10 Reasons Why There Won't Be Any Lists On Sunday or Monday

10. I'm moving today, and won't have Internet access in my new place until Tuesday.

9. Sunday is the day of the Lord.

8. Monday is the day of Satan.

7. You don't deserve it.

6. I don't feel I've received enough praise.

5. There has been no positive, concrete result from my most important list.

4. Glen Danzig.

3. What am I? A monkey? I'm not your fucking monkey! I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING MONKEY!

2. Have yet to receive any bananas.

1. With the extra time given to working on my Tuesday list, it should be so damn good, you'll cum out your eyeballs.

(P.S. ewwwww)

Top 10 Things I'm Going To Miss About My Night Job

10. Jerking off in the Men's Room.

9. Blessed night protecting me from the harsh, deadly sun.

8. Having absolutely no one around to notice when I make an obvious, glaring fuck up.

7. The mice (they like me more).

6. The prostitutes who want my cigarettes.

5. Talking to myself without being ridiculed for it (except by myself, and I've asked myself to be more sensitive about my feelings).

4. Waking people up because of emergencies. Your boss will never appreciate you more than when you call him at 3 am to tell him a street cleaner somehow set off the building's fire alarm.

3. C-SPAN. Until you watch a Democrat from Wyoming yield the remainder of his time to a Democrat from New York, you just haven't lived.

2. Jerking off in the Ladies' Room.

1. Absolutely. FUCKING. NOTHING.

Top 10 Reasons Why Bruce Banner's Pants Don't Come Off When He Transforms Into The Incredible Hulk

10. Elastic waistbands. Wal-Mart has some sweet deals, dude.

9. How many pairs of purple pants have you seen? Those suckers are tough to replace. He doesn't have much of a costume, but goddammit, he needs to protect what he has.

8. He's got a tattoo on his left ass-cheek. He usually isn't embarrassed about stuff like that, but it's of Superman's "S" logo. Moral of the story - don't ever pass out drunk with Jon Bon Jovi after trashing Newark. He's a motherfucker.

7. Tan lines.

6. Sometimes, they do come off, but he wears a second pair of pants under his first pair. Hulk no like going commando.

5. Strength of will.

4. Double stitches.

3. Unstable molecules. What? Everyone accepts that bullshit when the Fantastic Four says it. Racist.

2. Some people thinks he dyes his hair. He likes to to maintain some mystery.

1. If his pants came off, there'd be a big green cock flapping around everywhere. Excelsior!

Top 10 Reasons Why Batman Has A Sidekick (except for the obvious, get your minds out of the gutter)

10. He lost his TV remote.

9. All those doorknobs in Wayne Manor don't clean themselves.

8. Now with both Alfred and Robin, Bruce is finally able to fulfill his life-long dream of producing and starring in an on-stage performance of Family Business. Bat-Girl tried to do Broderick's role, but all the duct tape in the world couldn't keep her chestlies down.


7. Someone has to buy the weed. Whenever Bruce tries to get weed, they totally make him as a narc. He's gotten close a few times, but the Bat-Money-Clip always gives him away. He doesn't smoke dope of course, but they need something to wean Lois off the pain meds and Clark's too much of a hard-on to go buy it himself (you'd need them too if your throat had to deal with what hers does).

6. A really bad spur-of-the-moment business investment some years ago having to do with putting together a Gotham City boy band. He managed to give the rest of the group to Superman for his Metropolis boy band, but the Man of Steel thought Robin was too blasphemous (all the "Holy" this and "Holy" that).

5. The nuns at the orphanage had huge knockers.

4. Got a few hundred extra bucks in his economic stimulus check. Wayne Industries was saved. Take that, LexCorp!

3. Taking sidekicks out for walks is a great way to pick up chicks.

2. Couldn't figure out what ROFLMAO meant. He thought it was a message from the Riddler.

1. Batman and Robin work at night. Batman dresses all in dark colors. Robin's uniform looks like a package of life-savers. Who do you think the bad guys shoot at first?

Top 10 Things I Learned From Buffy the Vampire Slayer

10. Vampires rise from their graves with super strength, insatiable hunger, and an intricate knowledge of martial arts.

9. Vampires can't breathe, but they can smoke. Beat that.

8. If a villain becomes popular, don't automatically respond to that popularity by making him a good guy. If you have to have him on every week, just have him introduce a new invention at the beginning of every episode like on Aqua Teen Hunger Force. GENTLEMEN!

7. There are a lot of things you need to make a great, classic, innovative television show. Acting talent isn't necessarily one of them.

6. Not everything is like a war, Joss. High school is not like a war. High school cliques are not like a war. Hiding in your house with a few dozen teenage girls is not like a war. Not everything is like a war, Joss. Not everything.

5. If you kill a character, intend to bring him back, and want that return to be a surprise to any of your viewers, putting his name in the opening credits of every episode is probably a bad idea.

4. Eliza Dushku was a regular in two seasons of Buffy, and one season of the spin-off Angel. And she had brief appearances in one season of the former, two seasons of the latter. She still gets acting gigs. That corny thing your parents and teachers tell you about you being able to do anything you want to do? It's true, dammit. God help us, it's true.

3. English people spend a lot of time getting beat up. They actually don't do a whole lot else.

2. Anti-immigration legislation is not only immoral, but completely unnecessary. There are far fewer non-white people in Southern California than we've been led to believe.

1. Leprechauns aren't real.

Top 10 Best Super-Villains

10. Darth Vader.



Vader's mark on America's pop culture landscape cannot be denied. But he's on the bottom of my list because his bark is so much worse than his bite. He fought Count Dooku, and in spite of being aided by Kenobi, got his arm cut off. He fought Kenobi twice. The last time they fought, he failed to kill Kenobi, who gave himself up to the force. The first time they fought, Vader ended up missing most of his limbs and on fire. He fought his son twice. His son escaped the first time, and kicked his ass the second. The shittiest sports teams have a better record than this asshole, and yet he's treated as the stuff of nightmares. I could kick his ass.


9. Sho'nuff.



Dude, that first shot when Sho'nuff breaks out the energy fists on Bruce Leroy is epic.


8. Mojojojo.



He's a monkey with a giant brain. His name has 3 O's and 3 J's and is one of the most deliciously fun names to pronounce. That's really it.


7. Hannibal Lecter.



Yes, he is a super-villain. He eats people. He has super-smelling. And he'll make you commit seppuku if you jizz on his guests.


6. The Mandrill.



Kind of obscure, but he's got a special place in my heart. Mainly because he's a super-villain who's obviously gay even though this has never been explicitly mentioned in the comics.

Let me explain. The Mandrill is a mutant, like the X-men, who was born with the body of a baboon, and the power to control the minds of women. He has ambitions towards global domination. Why do I claim he's gay? Well, people with goals towards global domination generally have anger issues. If you're a heterosexual man who can make women do anything you want, in spite of the fact that you look like a fucking monkey, exactly what do you have to be angry about?

If he's gay, however, it all makes sense. Imagine how angry you would be if you were a gay man who looked like a monkey, you were gifted with mind-controlling powers but they only worked on people you didn't want to have sex with, and you were constantly coming into contact with physically perfect men in skintight clothes, but all of them wanted to beat you up. Yes, this would lead to anger issues.


5. Galactus.



He eats planets. Not only is that unbelievably cool, but imagine the potential for humor. If he eats planets, what does he shit? If he eats China, will he be hungry again a half hour later?


4. Lex Luthor.



Just one of the classics, he can't not be on the list. I've always been a Marvel man myself, so I'm not intimately familiar with him. The one thing that's interesting is that he's one of the few villains I liked better in the film adaptations - both in the form of Gene Hackman and Kevin Spacey. Neither played the comic book Luthor, but both were unbelievably fun. I might feel different if I'd read a lot of Superman before seeing the movies, but I didn't, and I don't.


3. The Joker.



There is something so powerful about the Batman/Joker conflict that I can never clearly put my finger on. There are a lot of things going on between those two. Order vs. chaos, society vs. anarchy, and of course there's a sexual element that's potent. In fact, in spite of what a smartass I am, I'm not kidding one bit when I say I suspect that the controversy surrounding Brokeback Mountain had something to do with Ledger landing the Joker role in The Dark Knight. That may sound far-fetched, but consider whether or not you think Robert Downey Jr.'s very public drug addiction had nothing at all to do with his casting as Iron Man - the first superhero to ever suffer from chemical abuse (he's an alcoholic). Regardless, there's something more with Batman/Joker than a jester provoking a knight. To put it simply, the Joker feels like someone reveling in his deviant sexuality while simultaneously trying to "convert" Batman and feeling superior to him because of Batman's inability to surrender to his desire. Maybe that's reading too much into it, but when you think about superheroes as much as I do, it doesn't seem that crazy.


2. Doctor Doom.



If Marvel Comics gave me a call and told me I could write one issue of a comic book, and I would never be able to write another comic book ever, Doom would be my villain.

Not only is he a villainous mastermind, but can kick most heroes' asses before they even know his foot is on its way. He's noble, tragic, and utterly ruthless. The scene in Secret Wars when Doom attacks the all-powerful Beyonder is, to me, the definitive comic book super-villain moment. A Luciferean bastard striving against creation itself, knowing he can't possibly win, surviving only on his love for himself and hatred for everything else.


1. God.



He's announced his intention to destroy the world, and has a rather large percentage of humanity waiting for it hopefully. That's one devious bastard for ya.

Top 10 Futuristic Advances I Want To See

10. Super freezers - the cold equivalent of the microwave. In every household, you've got a thing you can stick stuff in to instantly freeze it. Of course, the huge ice-cube producing corporations will never let it happen.

9. Holodecks.

8. Time Machines.

7. Computers I can have conversations with.

6. Cybernetic limbs. I don't want to lose a limb to get a robot arm, but if I do lose a limb, it will be a nice bit of compensation. Losing an arm in a car accident would be horrible, but if my new arm is super-strong and I can shoot missiles out of it, it'll help with the grieving process.

5. Toilets that wipe me.

4. Laser guns. Now come on, how fucking long do we have to wait for this? it doesn't have to be actual lasers. I don't care if they're lasers, phasers, protons, neutrons, whatever. As long as it's hand-held and shoots glowy shit that blows stuff up, we're good.

3. Electro shooters. I have always wanted to shoot lightning. I've always loved heroes and villains that can do it. Zeus, Electro, Raiden from Mortal Kombat, the lightning dude from Big Trouble in Little China, the fat dude who shot electric bolts in The Running Man, all of 'em. I need it. Gimme my lightning!

2. Space elevator. Dude, they actually want to do this! I'm totally gonna be at the bottom, shaking the fucker.

1. Pleasure bots. You know you want it too.

Top 10 Reasons Why Samurai Are Better Than Jedi

10. If a samurai is told to guard the princess, he guards the princess. If a jedi is told to guard the princess, he tries to get laid, goes to visit his Mom, slaughters a village, and tries to get laid by telling the princess he slaughtered a village.

9. When a samurai loses a limb, it means something. When a jedi loses a limb, it means he has to visit a robot and borrow a glove from O.J. Simpson.

8. Without samurai, countless works of fiction and art would be lost. Without jedi, three okay movies, three crappy movies, a bunch of action figures, and some really shitty fan-fiction would be lost.

7. If you wanted to wipe out all the samurai, it would take more than a "shoot them while they're not looking" strategy to do the job.

6. Jedi are religious fanatics. Samurai just want to kill you.

5. Revenge of the Sith - Yoda vs. Count Dooku? You'll never laugh while a samurai's kicking your ass.

4. The samurai class wasn't exactly all-inclusive. But at least membership wasn't determined by the amount of bacteria in your blood.

3. Jedi are passive-aggressive. They carry laser-swords that can cut through anything and begin their training in how to kill when they're toddlers, but call themselves "peacemakers." Samurai want to kill you, love to kill you, and will tell you so.

2. When a samurai fucks up, he kills himself. When a jedi fucks up, he replaces all his body parts with toasters, becomes a ghost to haunt all the jedi who didn't fuck up, or falls back on voice-acting for cartoons.

1. George Lucas has nothing to do with samurai.

Top 10 Best Jobs

10. Dinosaur Hunter. No one can call you a slacker. You're going to have to work damn hard to take out dinosaurs because there aren't any left, which is why you'll never find one. So you never have to face the danger inherent in hunting dinosaurs. Regardless, people will still be impressed when you tell them you're a Dinosaur Hunter. Especially chicks.

9. Security at Christian Rock concerts. Everyone's well-behaved and on the off-chance that there are a few trouble makers, physical force will rarely be necessary. Just tell them Jesus doesn't want them stage-diving. Of course, you have to hear the music, but I don't see how that's any worse than working a concert for Third Eye Blind or Carly Simon.

8. Jesus. The biggest downside is imminent death, but you get plenty of reboots. Even if you refuse to show up to work for thousands of years, you won't get fired. Your customers will keep busy talking about how they know you'll be back at work soon. And if anyone says different, you get to fuck with them after they die.

7. Batman. You're rich. You get to beat people up. You get to boss around other super-heroes. Your boss doesn't even have your phone number, he has to flash a light in the sky. You can chill for a few weeks and just say you were lost in time or in another dimension. You can justify one-night stands by revealing your identity and telling the chicks that if you let them move in, the Joker will kill them.

6. Professional Uncle. The kids have more fun with you than with their parents, you don't have to give them as much shit as their grandparents do, and you have absolutely no responsibility whatsoever regarding their well-being other than making sure you don't say "fuck" around them too many times.

5. Manager for Menudo. All your clients are dumb-ass kids who think that your 75% cut of all their record sales isn't that big a deal, and you never have to explain why you're firing them.

4. Gene Shallot. You absolutely love EVERY. MOVIE. EVER. MADE. And no one cares that you look like Rip Taylor if Rip Taylor looked more like the clown from IT.

3. Camera man for Survivor. You spend most of your time with hot, sweaty chicks dressed in next to nothing. Of course, no one has a better lunch break than you. You get your foot-long meatball sub, bag of chips, and ice-cold diet soda, and swallow it all down five feet from the contestants with a shit-eating grin, only stopping the nonstop shoveling of food into your mouth to occasionally to give the pathetic, desperate contestants two strong middle fingers.

2. Oil executive. In spite of your negligible profits, you are able to make just enough money to live comfortably while helping the environment and offering an important resource to consumers at ridiculously low prices.

1. American Ambassador to Australia. Tropical environment, good money, you get to say you're an ambassador, and you don't really have to do anything. When have you ever read in the paper, "Tensions mounting between Washington and Sydney"?

Top 10 Stupid Things I Don't Believe In

10. Ghosts. Exactly what is the motivation here? You die and decide to stay in the same damn spot for the rest of eternity so that...what? So some assholes in t-shirts from the sci-fi channel can claim they have a recording of you whispering "Justine?" Maybe I'm silly, but I think even shallow people would want more out of their afterlives.

9. The Predictions of Nostradamus. Just come on, man. Just come on.

8. Predictions and/or guidance based on astrological signs. Oh gee, what does it say today for my sign? Oh! Today's an important day for me financially? Really? On a work day in a capitalist society? Who'd'a thunk?

7. The Macbeth curse. This one might be a little obscure. People who work in theater often adhere to the superstitious rule that they must never say "Macbeth" in a theater (unless, of course, they're actually performing Macbeth). Supposedly, saying the word can lead to deadly accidents during productions. Instead, theater folk will refer to the tragedy as "The Scottish Play" while at their place of work. I found this out while working at a production of Hello, Dolly! as a stagehand and carpenter. An electrician and another stagehand were talking about working on something called "The Scottish Play." Their references to the play sounded very familiar, and I asked them if they were talking about Macbeth. The response was a loud series of "DUDE!"'s from the assembled stagehands, electricians, and actors, who quickly explained the curse and the seriousness of my crime. This was an outdoor theater, and my brother - the technical director - explained I had to walk to the nearby lake, spin around three times, spit over my shoulder, get on my knees and beg the fates' forgiveness. Instead, I ran through the dressing rooms, grabbing actors and saying things like, "Excuse me, I'd like large fries and a Big Macbeth." No deaths occurred.

6. The Force. If anything conceived in George Lucas's mind ever proves to have any validity, I'll eat my own dick.

5. Government conspiracies. Ever watched C-Span? These fucking people hardly even know where they are half the time. They couldn't organize a fucking square dance, much less a multi-layered, secret conspiracy.

4. The bad luck/evil associated with the number 13. Believe me, I'd KILL to be 13 again. I'm almost 34, I hate that number more than 13.

3. Breast Augmentation. I just choose to believe they're real. Makes my world brighter.

2. The claim that Pink Floyd wrote The Dark Side of the Moon so it would sync perfectly with The Wizard of Oz. I've tried it guys. I've done the experiment. No, they DON'T go together. I know you thought they did, because you were high. If you weren't high, you wouldn't give a fuck about it. You've got no foothold here guys. Move on.

1. Leprechauns. Why would they keep their pot of gold at the end of a rainbow? Then everyone would have a trail leading right to it. That's just stupid.

Top 10 Reasons Why The South Won't Rise Again

10. The prospect is far too labor intensive. I'm not saying Southerners are lazy. It's just that the Southern male population has at least 3 guys dedicated just as drummers to each Southern Rock band. They just don't have the manpower.

9. Well, in order to rise again, they would have to have risen previously, and according to my history books, they kinda fucked that up.

8. Gas prices. With most areas charging at least $4/gallon, do you have any idea how much it would cost to fuel that many pick-up trucks all the way past the Mason-Dixon Line?

7. Most of the Southerners willing to rebel against the North are busy either organizing Civil War re-enactments or writing Southern Revisionist histories about how the Civil War was actually about States' Rights, rock candy, aliens, highway taxes, censorship, litter laws, fire safety, Glen Danzig, etc., etc.

6. In spite of of the fact that we fought a war just so we would never have to listen to Southerners again, a ridiculously large percentage of recent American Presidents have come from the South. I don't think they'd be willing to give up that irony. Bastards.

5. Have you ever been in a check-out line in the South? They move like old people fuck. If they ever decided to rebel against the North, by the time they got organized, the Chinese would already have taken over North America, ruled for 1,000 years, and been deposed by the Martians.

4. All of the television and movies come from the North. This would leave Southerners to the mercy of reading.

3. Best case scenario for the South - they would win, but they wouldn't be the South anymore. They'd just be them. Then they couldn't annoy the rest of us anymore about Southern Hospitality, Southern Cuisine, or any of that other Southern bullshit.

2. They'd be able to put their Nazi flag back on their state capitals, and thus would no longer have anything left to complain about.

1. So what if they do? Fuck them and the sister they rode in on.

Top 10 Songs I Want Played At My Funeral

10. "Dead" by They Might Be Giants

9. "Forward to Death" by NoMeansNo (originally by the Dead Kennedys, but this version is funnier)

8. "Life Is Shit" by The Dead Milkmen

7. "Evil Will Prevail" by The Flaming Lips

6. "Last Caress" by The Misfits

5. "My Way" by Sid Vicious

4. "I Will Survive" by Cake.

3. "The Song You Hear When You Die" by Lemon Demon

2. "Short People" by Randy Newman

1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds

Top 10 Reasons Why I Play World of Warcraft

10. I started out playing it because my brother got into it, and with both of us busy at work and school, it was the only thing we could really do together. Of course now we both play on different servers and at different times.

9. The very concept of the MMORPG fascinates me. I remember playing a Spider-Man game on my old Sega Genesis – I think it was called “Maximum Carnage,” you switched between playing Spider-Man and playing Venom – and thinking “Wow, wouldn’t it be cool if you could play a super-hero in a video game in some kind of video game city, and there were tons of other people in the city playing super-heroes and you could help each other out,” etc. I’m not saying “Hey! That was my idea!” It was just something I think a lot of people who grew up with video games knew had to eventually happen. And now that it has, I’d feel cheated if I didn’t get to try it out just a little bit.

8. There’s nothing like telling a woman you play World of Warcraft. Sometimes I have to call security to pry them off me. If I show them my purple epics, forget about it.

7. There are so many fun miscommunications to be enjoyed. For example, in one area of the game there is a town called “Halaa” which players fight over. I was speaking with my guildmates over vent one day (vent is short for “Ventrillo” - a program that lets you talk to people with a mic and headset), and someone asked me where I was. I answered “Halaa.” My ex-girlfriend, at that time not yet an ex, was sitting behind me at her desk, and instead of hearing me say “Halaa” was concerned about my yelling “HOLLA’!” thinking I was going to a hip hop concert without her.

6. My friends on WoW rule. Except for Wenu. He’s a dick.

5. I can totally kill people and not get in trouble. Some of them I can even skin.

4. I used to play Dungeons & Dragons, and now I own a computer. It’s kind of a law. If I didn’t play it by last year, I would’ve had to pay more taxes or something.

3. I has a dragon.



2. I can be a stalwart, hardy dwarf without actually being short. Beat that!

1. It’s really, really addictive.