Last night I saw something that I hope changed my life. I don't want to say it did change my life. I've learned that I am far too quick to make dramatic statements like that. I guess it's better to say that I saw something that could change my life.
I saw a film called Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai. The lead character is played by Forrest Whitaker, and is a professional killer for the mob who adopts the ancient code of the samurai as transcribed in a Japanese text called The Hagakure.
It wasn't the greatest movie ever made. Could've been better. My biggest gripe was with all the annoying scenes where Whitaker drove around town at night listening to music. And my only problem with them is that they seemed to have no point other than to say "Hey look, he's bad-ass, and he listens to cool music."
Actually, to be honest I did have one other gripe. Ghost Dog has declared the mobster Louie his master, though it's made obvious that while he intends to always stay loyal to Louie, he neither trusts Louie nor likes him very much. In one scene he points his gun at Louie's head, and he actually shoots him twice in the arm (though to be fair, you eventually learn he did it more for Louie's benefit than his own). My gripe here is that, as far as I know, it was considered an unpardonable crime for a samurai to even unintentionally point a weapon at his master, even if the master were too far away for the weapon to have any chance to cause him harm.
But again, to be fair, I know this only because I read the manga Lone Wolf and Cub, and I'm not sure how much I should trust that info.
So anyway, throughout the film Whitaker reads the viewer passages from The Hagakure meant to be relevant to whatever's going on in the film at that moment. The following passage is what got to me:
It is bad when one thing becomes two. One should not look for anything else in the Way of the Samurai. It is the same for anything that is called a Way. If one understands things in this manner, he should be able to hear about all Ways and be more and more accord with his own.
Don't get me wrong, I don't plan on buying a sword and finding a daimyo (Japanese feudal lord). What got to me was the message that one should choose a path and, while walking it, not thinking the path will lead him to other things. I need to stop thinking that writing will bring me things, in other words, other than the stories I write. I need to stop caring. I need to write to write. I need to finally choose a path and walk down it, rather than allowing doubt to rule me as much as it has.
I have to mention - in order to prove what a ridiculous, automatic comic book geek I am - that upon reading "It is bad when one thing becomes two," the first thing that sprang to mind was the Hulk.
Immediately after watching the film, I jumped on my laptop and wrote myself a code.
I printed out multiple copies, and plan to nail it to every room in my apartment. I'll also carry one with me wherever I go. And I doubt it's finished. I'll probably be adding new rules forever.
Let me make something clear, particularly to anyone who reads this who also writes - this is MY code. I am not saying this is a universal code for writers. I know what is good for me. I know what I need to do. This IS a writing manifesto, but it is meant only for me. If you take some wisdom away from it, great. But I am not making an argument here for how people should write.
Oh, and it's okay to laugh at some of them. Some of them will probably seem kind of silly. Hell, most things seem silly to me. That's probably why I'm going to Hell.
I'm going to be 34 in a few days, so this might be some kind of mid-life crisis. But what the hell. Have I got anything better to do?
MICHILEEN MARTIN’S WRITING CODE
1. WRITE
You need to write. A writer who has great ideas for things to write but doesn’t write them is not a writer. He is a dreamer. You must dream, but you also must learn to wake up.
2. WRITE EVERY DAY
You must choose a reasonable amount of story to write every day. You may gladly go past the minimum, but you must not fall short of it.
3. WRITE FOR WRITING’S SAKE
You must not write for reward. You must not write for money, respect, or the attention of women. You must not write to appear creative, intelligent, sensitive, insightful, or perceptive to others. You must not write to change the world or to rally the souls of others to a cause.
4. KNOW WORDS
You must know words. When reading, you should keep a notebook at your side at all times. If you come across a word you do not recognize or one to which you do not know the meaning, write it down. After you are done reading, find the definitions of all the words you have catalogued. Write the definitions next to the words. Not only can you keep the notebook for reference, but the act of writing the definition will help you remember.
5. READ
You must read every day. Nothing comes from nothing. Writing does not come from not reading. The words do not come from a void.
6. ORIGINALITY IS A MYTH
It is not necessarily a bad thing to find yourself imitating another author’s writing style. All writers imitate. It is only bad if you are not mindful of what you are doing. Do it, but know you do it. If you imitate and know you imitate, you still help to develop your own style by incorporating what you like from the styles of others. But if you imitate without knowing it, or without acknowledging it, then it is theft and nothing more. Much of writing is theft. You did not create your own words – they were learned. You learned the art of telling a story. You learned the art of writing dialogue and describing things and places and people. They continue to be learned with each word you read that has been penned by hands not your own. But if you imitate without knowing or acknowledging, then it is nothing but theft, and you are not a writer. You are a thief.
7. MUSIC IS OPTIONAL
The presence of music while writing or reading is not necessarily a good or bad thing. But if you listen to music while writing, it is perhaps good to listen to instrumental music rather than songs with lyrics. The words of the songs may invade your writing.
8. YOU WILL SUFFER
If you are a writer, then you will suffer for your writing. You will lose sleep. You will lose money. You may lose employment and lucrative opportunities. You may lose love. You may lose friendship. You may threaten your sanity and lose that too. Know this. Accept this. Do not be ashamed of it.
9. YOU ARE NOT JUST A WRITER
You do not need to neglect the rest of your life. You need to be healthy. You need to live to write. You need to stay safe and warm. If you do not make the money to clothe and house yourself with your writing, you must make it another way. You need friendship and love. Your writing comes first, but it is not all there is.
10. LIVE IN WORDS
Live in words. Play games with them. Love them. To be a writer who does not love words is like being a carpenter who does not savor the scent of wood or who doesn’t gleam with pride at his many tools. Words are all you have. You build with them. You destroy with them. You do not have pictures. You do not have actors. You have words.
11. FICTION IS NOT THE SAME AS LIES
Always remember that truth is different from fact. There is always truth in even the most fantastically conceived story.
12. BE HONEST
Be true to your story. Do not lie with it for the sake of effect. If, for example, you yearn for your hero to fall in a blaze of glory, but know a more genuine ending would be for the hero to fail miserably, to cowardly run from his enemy, or simply to do nothing, then write the truth. Drama for its own sake is legion. The world does not need more of it. Neither do your stories.
13. ALWAYS BE PREPARED TO WRITE
Always have something with you to write. Write while walking or eating or working if possible.
14. IF IT HURTS THE STORY, LET IT GO
Do not let your stories suffer from a line or a scene that you hold dear to your heart but that you know is not true to the story. If it is that precious to you, write it somewhere. Save it. Keep it for another story.
15. WRITE IN THE WORLD
Writing can be isolating. Do not be afraid to write out in the world – to write in cafes or parks or wherever you are comfortable. You must know the world and its people in order to write about them.
16. DO NOT FORCE YOUR WRITING ON OTHERS
Do not shove your work under the noses of those who did not ask for it and who do not want it. But do not be afraid of sharing it with those who ask. A writer wants to show his work. This is not a bad thing. But to feed an animal who is not hungry is to ask for nothing but a wounded hand.
17. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS NEGATIVE FEEDBACK
If a reader tells you they do not like your work, ask them why. Never shun it. Never hate it. Never allow yourself to be angered by it. Many of those readers with such feedback are trying to help. Some simply express themselves honestly without reserve. Others want to be hurtful. You can learn from all three. From those who want to help, accept it – there is no good reason not to. Those who simply wish to express themselves are gifts to you. Embrace them and their words. And even those who want to be hurtful are a boon. If they want to be hurtful, it is perhaps likely that something you have written was hurtful to them. Knowing what has hurt them is good. None of this means that you should change your words for the sake of those who do not like them. Open your arms wide and embrace all feedback. You can always decide what to keep and what to discard.
18. DO NOT BE ASHAMED
Do not be ashamed of what you do. You will find yourself writing in your head even your most mundane of actions, and sometimes you will feel like some paparazzi photographer discarding all morals and values for the sake of your art. A professor once told my class that at his father’s wake, as he approached the corpse, a single moth emerged from the coffin and fluttered away. He knew, even as he stood over his father’s lifeless body, that amidst whatever else he was feeling, he was thinking at that moment of how he could best describe the flight of the moth from the coffin later when he was writing. To be a writer is to know that, in the same situation, the same would be true for you. This is not a bad thing. It can feel like a bad thing. You can feel like a carrion bird picking the bones of life for your art. You are not a vulture. You are a writer. The professor who told the story honored his father with his words – honored him with the truth of his art. If he had not been a writer, if he had not mentally composed prose as the moth emerged, his father would be just as dead. The moth would still have taken flight. And the professor would be no happier or sadder for it.
19. READ YOUR WRITING ALOUD
Read all your words aloud, even if no one else is around. It makes it easier to catch errors, and feel the rhythm of the prose and the story.
20. STRIVE FOR PERFECTION
Strive for perfection. Know you will never find it.
21. KEEP WRITING
It is not always good to try to make every sentence perfect as you first write it. You may stumble and stop writing at a particularly troubling sentence. Move past it. You can always return and change it. Keep writing.
22. DO NOT CARE ABOUT BEING “GOOD” OR “BAD”
There is no such thing as a good writer. There is no such thing as a bad writer. There are simply writers and pretenders. Be the former.
23. FINISH THE WORK
Do not let work go unfinished. If you are in the midst of writing a story and are suddenly struck with doubt, thinking the story you are writing is not good, do not let this stop you. You will not love everything you write. If you are the most acclaimed and prolifically published author in the history of the written word – if you sell more copies than any other writer since the invention of the printing press – you will still not love everything you write. And no one else will ever love everything you write. Finish the story. Remember that even if you firmly believe it is the most horrible thing you have ever written, you can always go back and change it whether or not you are correct about its worth.
24. SEEK KNOWLEDGE
A writer must know things to write things, even if what he writes is as fantastic as Tolkien’s monsters or Asimov’s futuristic epics. Asimov could not have convinced his readers of his futures if he knew nothing about the present and past. Tolkien could not have built a mythic world without knowing about the real one. Read non-fiction as well as fiction. Read history and science. Read magazines and newspapers. Read poetry and drama. Read textbooks and cookbooks. Read instruction manuals. If it is written, read it.
25. DO NOT BE ASHAMED AT YOUR MEAGER BELONGINGS AND CIRCUMSTANCE
You do not need much in the way of material belongings to write. And so you do not need much in the way of material belongings. If people shun you for it, shun those people.
26. DO NOT LIE DOWN WHILE WRITING OR READING
You should never lie down while writing or reading, unless you are sick or otherwise physically incapacitated. This promotes laziness and sleep. If you are not comfortable sitting where you usually write, find a new place to write.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Top 10 Things I'm Wondering About My Coffee Date Today
10. She's an economics professor. Does that mean I definitely should or definitely shouldn't pay for coffee?
9. She's very successful. Me, not so much. Yet. So should I show up in a t-shirt with obscenities on it or no?
8. She's published a lot more than I have. Should I hate her?
7. She has the url to my blog. Should I even be writing this?
6. We have an ongoing joke regarding the immortal ninja vs. pirate debate. She falls on the unfortunate side of pirates. Should I hunt down a ninja action figure before the date and give it to her as a present?
5. I believe she's Christian. So how many Jesus jokes should I make (1-3, 4-6, 7-28)?
4. Does she even know who Glen Danzig is?
3. Should I mention that I was at a rodeo last night?
2. Hunt down a ninja action figure? Why the hell don't I own one?
1. Do I even have any clean shirts without obscenities written on them?
9. She's very successful. Me, not so much. Yet. So should I show up in a t-shirt with obscenities on it or no?
8. She's published a lot more than I have. Should I hate her?
7. She has the url to my blog. Should I even be writing this?
6. We have an ongoing joke regarding the immortal ninja vs. pirate debate. She falls on the unfortunate side of pirates. Should I hunt down a ninja action figure before the date and give it to her as a present?
5. I believe she's Christian. So how many Jesus jokes should I make (1-3, 4-6, 7-28)?
4. Does she even know who Glen Danzig is?
3. Should I mention that I was at a rodeo last night?
2. Hunt down a ninja action figure? Why the hell don't I own one?
1. Do I even have any clean shirts without obscenities written on them?
Friday, August 29, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why I'm Going To A Rodeo Tonight
10. It's better than masturbating.
9. Cowgirls. Hey, why not?
8. There might be an incident in which a rodeo participant or member of the crowd is injured in such a manner that only a succinct explanation of socialist literary theory or the complete history of the Incredible Hulk's different personalities can save them until the ambulance gets there.
7. I don't own any big belt buckles, but I'm willing to learn.
6. If one of my professional dreams comes true, I may one day be called upon to write about a rodeo super-hero. Best to get the relevant info now.
5. Beer.
4. Glen Danzig.
3. It's possible my friends are lying about the rodeo and are actually taking me to a high class brothel.
2. Hey, if you want to go out on a date with me tonight, I'll forget the rodeo. Barring that, don't criticize my choices, shitknuckle. I WAS PUT ON THIS EARTH TO LIVE!
1. I don't think I've actually ever seen a jean skirt up close.
9. Cowgirls. Hey, why not?
8. There might be an incident in which a rodeo participant or member of the crowd is injured in such a manner that only a succinct explanation of socialist literary theory or the complete history of the Incredible Hulk's different personalities can save them until the ambulance gets there.
7. I don't own any big belt buckles, but I'm willing to learn.
6. If one of my professional dreams comes true, I may one day be called upon to write about a rodeo super-hero. Best to get the relevant info now.
5. Beer.
4. Glen Danzig.
3. It's possible my friends are lying about the rodeo and are actually taking me to a high class brothel.
2. Hey, if you want to go out on a date with me tonight, I'll forget the rodeo. Barring that, don't criticize my choices, shitknuckle. I WAS PUT ON THIS EARTH TO LIVE!
1. I don't think I've actually ever seen a jean skirt up close.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Top 10 Worst Flavors For Nicotine Gum
10. Cigarette.
9. Cinnamon Raisin.
8. Glen Danzig.
7. Ex-Girlfriend.
6. Rectum.
5. Marmite.
4. Garmonbozia.
3. Cranberry-Apple.
2. Green.
1. Joy.
9. Cinnamon Raisin.
8. Glen Danzig.
7. Ex-Girlfriend.
6. Rectum.
5. Marmite.
4. Garmonbozia.
3. Cranberry-Apple.
2. Green.
1. Joy.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why I Should Never Get Married
10. I was an usher at my older brother's wedding. I had two important jobs at the wedding. A) Arrange for massages for all the groomsmen before the wedding (WITHOUT happy endings, get your minds out of the gutter) to get us all nice and relaxed, and B) at one point during the ceremony I was required to hand my brother a sash that he gave to the bride to signify her entrance into our family.
After these two relatively simple jobs were done. I got drunk. I got really drunk. I got drunk the way that you think people outside comedies couldn't possibly get drunk. I hit on every woman who wasn't related to me. I broke patio furniture. I apparently exposed myself - NOT on purpose, my brother required all the groomsmen to wear kilts, and I was falling down a lot. My favorite game was to go to a reception table filled with complete strangers, drunkenly demand they all introduce themselves, and then try to impress them by going around the table and saying all their names back to them. The Best Man was given the job of following me around and picking up things that either fell off me or were thrown off me. This included my wallet, keys, tuxedo, dress shirt, and about a dozen condoms. The next morning I woke in a hotel room someone else had to sign for with my credit card - one of the greeters, if I recall, whose wife I had hit on multiple times - because I was too drunk to do it myself. The Best Man had collected so many of my belongings I was running around the hotel in nothing but socks, the kilt, and a t-shirt.
The main reason for the extreme level of my drunken-itude, which BELIEVE ME has never been repeated, was that at the time I was on medication that amplifies the affects of alcohol. I thought that if I stopped taking it five days before the wedding, it would be out of my system. Apparently, I'm not a doctor.
The reason for this story is simple. If I got married, there's pretty much no way I could NOT invite my brother, and he's probably going to want revenge.
9. I spend quite a bit of time trying to stay away from my extended family. Doing something that would necessitate that ALL of them would gather in one place - more importantly in a place where I am present - seems counter-productive.
8. I have no idea who my best man would be. I really don't have many best man candidates. Well, I have a few, but they all live somewhere else now, and haven't spent enough time with me in recent years to say anything cool about me during the reception. I mean, my old buddy Jeff would be a candidate, for example, but if he clinks his glass and demands everyone shut up so he can tell everyone how cool my angsty, emo poems were in high school, I'm gonna punch him in the head.
7. It would be announced in the newspaper, which would give the ninjas an idea where to find me.
6. Sure, there's always eloping, but I hate Vegas. And don't tell me I can elope without going to Vegas. I don't care if I can. If I'm eloping, I'm going to Vegas. If I'm skipping all the window-dressing and going right to the deed without the fanfare, then the guy who marries me is going to be in Vegas, and he's going to be dressed as Elvis. It could be a Space Elvis or a Cowboy Elvis or a Hulk Elvis (preferred), but it will be Elvis. But it won't because I hate Vegas. Which is why I don't want to elope.
5. If I get married, then the terrorists win.
4. Don't really want to deal with every single guest telling my bride stories about Reason #10.
3. Don't want all the other women in the world to sink into depression (ppfffttt..HA HA HA HA HA HA *snort*).
2. I'm not keeping a fucking cake for a year. What kind of insane samurai endurance test is that?
1. If we got divorced, and her lawyer went after my comic books, THERE. WOULD. BE. BLOOD!!!!!
After these two relatively simple jobs were done. I got drunk. I got really drunk. I got drunk the way that you think people outside comedies couldn't possibly get drunk. I hit on every woman who wasn't related to me. I broke patio furniture. I apparently exposed myself - NOT on purpose, my brother required all the groomsmen to wear kilts, and I was falling down a lot. My favorite game was to go to a reception table filled with complete strangers, drunkenly demand they all introduce themselves, and then try to impress them by going around the table and saying all their names back to them. The Best Man was given the job of following me around and picking up things that either fell off me or were thrown off me. This included my wallet, keys, tuxedo, dress shirt, and about a dozen condoms. The next morning I woke in a hotel room someone else had to sign for with my credit card - one of the greeters, if I recall, whose wife I had hit on multiple times - because I was too drunk to do it myself. The Best Man had collected so many of my belongings I was running around the hotel in nothing but socks, the kilt, and a t-shirt.
The main reason for the extreme level of my drunken-itude, which BELIEVE ME has never been repeated, was that at the time I was on medication that amplifies the affects of alcohol. I thought that if I stopped taking it five days before the wedding, it would be out of my system. Apparently, I'm not a doctor.
The reason for this story is simple. If I got married, there's pretty much no way I could NOT invite my brother, and he's probably going to want revenge.
9. I spend quite a bit of time trying to stay away from my extended family. Doing something that would necessitate that ALL of them would gather in one place - more importantly in a place where I am present - seems counter-productive.
8. I have no idea who my best man would be. I really don't have many best man candidates. Well, I have a few, but they all live somewhere else now, and haven't spent enough time with me in recent years to say anything cool about me during the reception. I mean, my old buddy Jeff would be a candidate, for example, but if he clinks his glass and demands everyone shut up so he can tell everyone how cool my angsty, emo poems were in high school, I'm gonna punch him in the head.
7. It would be announced in the newspaper, which would give the ninjas an idea where to find me.
6. Sure, there's always eloping, but I hate Vegas. And don't tell me I can elope without going to Vegas. I don't care if I can. If I'm eloping, I'm going to Vegas. If I'm skipping all the window-dressing and going right to the deed without the fanfare, then the guy who marries me is going to be in Vegas, and he's going to be dressed as Elvis. It could be a Space Elvis or a Cowboy Elvis or a Hulk Elvis (preferred), but it will be Elvis. But it won't because I hate Vegas. Which is why I don't want to elope.
5. If I get married, then the terrorists win.
4. Don't really want to deal with every single guest telling my bride stories about Reason #10.
3. Don't want all the other women in the world to sink into depression (ppfffttt..HA HA HA HA HA HA *snort*).
2. I'm not keeping a fucking cake for a year. What kind of insane samurai endurance test is that?
1. If we got divorced, and her lawyer went after my comic books, THERE. WOULD. BE. BLOOD!!!!!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Top 10 Initial Reactions To An E-mail I Received Inviting Me To Apply To Teach English In Asia
10. It might be a sketchy offer. A lot of the job-application invitations I've received so far via e-mail have been obvious scams. But so far this one seems on the level.
9. The positions available are in China, Taiwan, and South Korea. Guess what two kinds of foods Mick hates to eat? Poultry and seafood.
9. Well, shit, I'd lose weight.
8. Long flight over big ocean. Bad.
7. Most people who do this are fresh out of college in their early twenties. So I'd be the old guy giving the hot Australian girls the creeps.
6. Lost already has a funny fat guy. If there was a plane crash, I might have to fight that other guy to the death.
5. Dammit! Why not Japan? They've got manga! And I actually know someone there!
4. A lot of them offer free housing plus a not-so-bad salary, but I wonder how far the dollar goes over there these days.
3. If I go to China, I will be probably get caned. I don't know what I'd do. It would probably be unintentional. But I would get caned. I know it. I just know it.
2. If a certain family member's condition worsened, it would be pretty much impossible to get back in time.
1. Possible contact with ninjas. Pro or con?
9. The positions available are in China, Taiwan, and South Korea. Guess what two kinds of foods Mick hates to eat? Poultry and seafood.
9. Well, shit, I'd lose weight.
8. Long flight over big ocean. Bad.
7. Most people who do this are fresh out of college in their early twenties. So I'd be the old guy giving the hot Australian girls the creeps.
6. Lost already has a funny fat guy. If there was a plane crash, I might have to fight that other guy to the death.
5. Dammit! Why not Japan? They've got manga! And I actually know someone there!
4. A lot of them offer free housing plus a not-so-bad salary, but I wonder how far the dollar goes over there these days.
3. If I go to China, I will be probably get caned. I don't know what I'd do. It would probably be unintentional. But I would get caned. I know it. I just know it.
2. If a certain family member's condition worsened, it would be pretty much impossible to get back in time.
1. Possible contact with ninjas. Pro or con?
Monday, August 25, 2008
Uncle Ick's Top 10 Initial Reactions To The Trailer for Watchmen
(for reference, the trailer is here)
10. It's gonna suck.
9. It's gonna suck, but people who have never read the graphic novel will think it's great. Then they'll read the graphic novel, and they'll think it sucks. 'Cuz they're stupid.
8. THIS is Dan Dreiberg.
This is NOT Dan Dreiberg.
Come on, you assholes, fat people have exactly ONE super-hero we can be proud of. And you're gonna take him away from us?
7. "Well, let's see guys. Sally Jupiter is a good-looking, curvy gal who looks like she might enjoy a hamburger once in a while. So who should we cast..."
"OH! An anorexic super-model! I never would've thought of that! Good job!"
6. That one shot of The Comedian right after he burns the Vietnamese soldier makes him look a lot like Robert Downey, Jr. But it isn't Robert Downey, Jr. I think they did that on purpose. Fuckers.
5. Where the hell was Doctor Manhattan's cock? It was in the comic! If I go see this and we don't see Doctor Manhattan's little Doctor, I'm gonna demand my money back. (to my non-comic-book-geek friends - Doctor Manhattan is the blue guy)
4. I know it's gonna suck and I know I'm still gonna go see it. And then after I see it, I'll say, "It sucked." Making me feel the same way about an upcoming adaptation of the greatest super-hero story ever told as I did about Revenge of the Sith and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is fucking mean and I'll never forgive it.
3. You can't do Watchmen in an hour-and-a-half. Or two hours. Or two-and-a-half hours. Or three hours. Or four hours. You can't do it. It's stupid to try. The only proper way to adapt it (and Jesus Christ, does every fucking comic book need to be adapted) would've been to make a maxi-series out of it on HBO or an all-ages channel like HBO. Can't do it, guys. Can't do it.
2. Stan Lee has no reason to make a cameo.
1. Zack Snyder, the director of 300, huh? Oh, oh, wait, the visionary director of 300. Sorry.
This, more than anything, is why I think Watchmen will be sucktacular.
Let me be clear, I didn't particularly enjoy 300, at least not enough to refer to the director as a visionary. It wasn't horrible, but it also wasn't good enough for me to put in on a list of favorites, make me hungry to see it again, or to buy the DVD. And that's without even considering how well a film like that could be used as right-wing propaganda, or simply how every single non-white character in the film was portrayed as a mutated monster. By the way, I've never read the graphic novel so any differences/similarities between the film and the source material has nothing to do with my feelings toward it.
Regardless, my like or dislike of 300 has nothing to do with my feelings towards the choice of director here. 300 could be the greatest film ever made. It could be the reason why film was invented. I don't give a flying shit. if you asked me to write a list of the WORST directorial choices for a Watchmen adaptation, Snyder would be right at the top of the list.
The reason is because, in my humble opinion (and I'm pretty sure in the opinion of everyone who has ever read Watchmen and who has a brain that works better than a solar-powered flashlight - whether or not they even liked it), part of what's going on in Watchmen is that the super-heroes are having all the bullshit stripped away and looked at in a more realistic light. What would real super-heroes be like? What would our world really look like if they were a part of it? And maybe most importantly what would their real motivations be for doing what they do? That's why the "hero" of Watchmen who most closely resembles what we think of when we think of the traditional super-hero - Rorschach - is absolutely, completely bug-fuck out of his fucking gourd insane. Because someone who devoted every night of his life to beating the shit out of strangers in the name of justice would be a scary fucking person. And more importantly, there would be some scary fucking things going on in his head. The Rorschach of Watchmen is one of the most disturbing characters (in the graphic novel at least, who knows about this adaptation) you will ever come across. Heath Ledger's Joker and Hannibal Lecter will seem like serene pictures of sanity in comparison.
My point being that a director of a Watchmen adaptation should have the idea in his/her head that the super-heroes under his/her care shouldn't be treated like traditional super-heroes. They shouldn't look like super-ninjas every time they hit the ground. They shouldn't be all sexy in tight leather and look as formidable and heroic pissing against a tree as they do when they're fighting bad guys. Every frame shouldn't resemble some iconic comic book cover with the hero in a check-out-how-super-I-am pose.
So who did they pick? Well, judging by 300, they picked a director who is physically incapable of shooting ANYTHING or ANYONE without making them look like fucking super-heroes. Snyder couldn't shoot a fucking squirrel without making it look all violent and heroic and homo-erotic. Unless, of course, it were an African or Middle Eastern squirrel. Then it would look like a fucking demon.
And hey! You know what? That's great! Put him on a Hulk movie or Iron Man or Superman or Batman or anything, anything, ANYTHING other than Watchmen. Those are all good movies. They have their place. But they're different animals.
I might feel a little precipitous judging this film by a trailer, but by the looks of it, I'm not wrong. The casting choices for Jupiter and Dreiberg are enough to show that. See, I don't care if how Spider-Man shoots his webs is different from comic to film. I don't care if Bruce Banner got injected by nanobots instead of getting blasted by a gamma bomb. That's because those changes, in my opinion, are largely cosmetic. Having Spider-Man's webshooters become a part of his body rather than some mechanical wristbands he invented doesn't really change the spirit of the story. The soul of the character is intact. But taking some former super-heroes who have been forced into retirement and look like they've stopped at quite a few Burger Kings since they were last fighting crime, and making them look like bad-ass, buff super-models, DOES change the spirit of the story.
Know who should direct Watchmen? Sofia Coppola. The Coen Brothers. Alexander Payne. Fuck, I'm just pulling names out of my ass here. Anyone, ANYONE other than Zack Snyder.
Know what I would do to do Watchmen right? I'd find a director who had never directed a super-hero movie, an action movie, an adventure movie, or a mixture of any of the above. I'd call them and say "Hey, would you ever, under any circumstances, direct a super-hero comic book adaptation?" If they said, "No," I would hire them. And if they refused, I would find some way to blackmail them into doing it. And if I couldn't do that I'd manufacture a way to blackmail them. Like hiring a hooker to seduce them. Or getting a picture of them reading a book and photoshopping the words "Hitler: He Was Right, Wasn't He?" on the cover. Or just getting a picture of them shaking hands with Pat Buchanan.
Watchmen is going to be flashy and cool in a very Matrix kinda way. But it's gonna suck. And you won't know it.
So anyone who hasn't read Watchmen, let me know. I'll either let you borrow it, or I will BUY you a copy and mail it to you. That way, at least, you'll know why the film sucks when it comes out.
10. It's gonna suck.
9. It's gonna suck, but people who have never read the graphic novel will think it's great. Then they'll read the graphic novel, and they'll think it sucks. 'Cuz they're stupid.
8. THIS is Dan Dreiberg.
This is NOT Dan Dreiberg.
Come on, you assholes, fat people have exactly ONE super-hero we can be proud of. And you're gonna take him away from us?
7. "Well, let's see guys. Sally Jupiter is a good-looking, curvy gal who looks like she might enjoy a hamburger once in a while. So who should we cast..."
"OH! An anorexic super-model! I never would've thought of that! Good job!"
6. That one shot of The Comedian right after he burns the Vietnamese soldier makes him look a lot like Robert Downey, Jr. But it isn't Robert Downey, Jr. I think they did that on purpose. Fuckers.
5. Where the hell was Doctor Manhattan's cock? It was in the comic! If I go see this and we don't see Doctor Manhattan's little Doctor, I'm gonna demand my money back. (to my non-comic-book-geek friends - Doctor Manhattan is the blue guy)
4. I know it's gonna suck and I know I'm still gonna go see it. And then after I see it, I'll say, "It sucked." Making me feel the same way about an upcoming adaptation of the greatest super-hero story ever told as I did about Revenge of the Sith and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is fucking mean and I'll never forgive it.
3. You can't do Watchmen in an hour-and-a-half. Or two hours. Or two-and-a-half hours. Or three hours. Or four hours. You can't do it. It's stupid to try. The only proper way to adapt it (and Jesus Christ, does every fucking comic book need to be adapted) would've been to make a maxi-series out of it on HBO or an all-ages channel like HBO. Can't do it, guys. Can't do it.
2. Stan Lee has no reason to make a cameo.
1. Zack Snyder, the director of 300, huh? Oh, oh, wait, the visionary director of 300. Sorry.
This, more than anything, is why I think Watchmen will be sucktacular.
Let me be clear, I didn't particularly enjoy 300, at least not enough to refer to the director as a visionary. It wasn't horrible, but it also wasn't good enough for me to put in on a list of favorites, make me hungry to see it again, or to buy the DVD. And that's without even considering how well a film like that could be used as right-wing propaganda, or simply how every single non-white character in the film was portrayed as a mutated monster. By the way, I've never read the graphic novel so any differences/similarities between the film and the source material has nothing to do with my feelings toward it.
Regardless, my like or dislike of 300 has nothing to do with my feelings towards the choice of director here. 300 could be the greatest film ever made. It could be the reason why film was invented. I don't give a flying shit. if you asked me to write a list of the WORST directorial choices for a Watchmen adaptation, Snyder would be right at the top of the list.
The reason is because, in my humble opinion (and I'm pretty sure in the opinion of everyone who has ever read Watchmen and who has a brain that works better than a solar-powered flashlight - whether or not they even liked it), part of what's going on in Watchmen is that the super-heroes are having all the bullshit stripped away and looked at in a more realistic light. What would real super-heroes be like? What would our world really look like if they were a part of it? And maybe most importantly what would their real motivations be for doing what they do? That's why the "hero" of Watchmen who most closely resembles what we think of when we think of the traditional super-hero - Rorschach - is absolutely, completely bug-fuck out of his fucking gourd insane. Because someone who devoted every night of his life to beating the shit out of strangers in the name of justice would be a scary fucking person. And more importantly, there would be some scary fucking things going on in his head. The Rorschach of Watchmen is one of the most disturbing characters (in the graphic novel at least, who knows about this adaptation) you will ever come across. Heath Ledger's Joker and Hannibal Lecter will seem like serene pictures of sanity in comparison.
My point being that a director of a Watchmen adaptation should have the idea in his/her head that the super-heroes under his/her care shouldn't be treated like traditional super-heroes. They shouldn't look like super-ninjas every time they hit the ground. They shouldn't be all sexy in tight leather and look as formidable and heroic pissing against a tree as they do when they're fighting bad guys. Every frame shouldn't resemble some iconic comic book cover with the hero in a check-out-how-super-I-am pose.
So who did they pick? Well, judging by 300, they picked a director who is physically incapable of shooting ANYTHING or ANYONE without making them look like fucking super-heroes. Snyder couldn't shoot a fucking squirrel without making it look all violent and heroic and homo-erotic. Unless, of course, it were an African or Middle Eastern squirrel. Then it would look like a fucking demon.
And hey! You know what? That's great! Put him on a Hulk movie or Iron Man or Superman or Batman or anything, anything, ANYTHING other than Watchmen. Those are all good movies. They have their place. But they're different animals.
I might feel a little precipitous judging this film by a trailer, but by the looks of it, I'm not wrong. The casting choices for Jupiter and Dreiberg are enough to show that. See, I don't care if how Spider-Man shoots his webs is different from comic to film. I don't care if Bruce Banner got injected by nanobots instead of getting blasted by a gamma bomb. That's because those changes, in my opinion, are largely cosmetic. Having Spider-Man's webshooters become a part of his body rather than some mechanical wristbands he invented doesn't really change the spirit of the story. The soul of the character is intact. But taking some former super-heroes who have been forced into retirement and look like they've stopped at quite a few Burger Kings since they were last fighting crime, and making them look like bad-ass, buff super-models, DOES change the spirit of the story.
Know who should direct Watchmen? Sofia Coppola. The Coen Brothers. Alexander Payne. Fuck, I'm just pulling names out of my ass here. Anyone, ANYONE other than Zack Snyder.
Know what I would do to do Watchmen right? I'd find a director who had never directed a super-hero movie, an action movie, an adventure movie, or a mixture of any of the above. I'd call them and say "Hey, would you ever, under any circumstances, direct a super-hero comic book adaptation?" If they said, "No," I would hire them. And if they refused, I would find some way to blackmail them into doing it. And if I couldn't do that I'd manufacture a way to blackmail them. Like hiring a hooker to seduce them. Or getting a picture of them reading a book and photoshopping the words "Hitler: He Was Right, Wasn't He?" on the cover. Or just getting a picture of them shaking hands with Pat Buchanan.
Watchmen is going to be flashy and cool in a very Matrix kinda way. But it's gonna suck. And you won't know it.
So anyone who hasn't read Watchmen, let me know. I'll either let you borrow it, or I will BUY you a copy and mail it to you. That way, at least, you'll know why the film sucks when it comes out.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Top 10 Worst Things To Say During Post-Coitus Cuddling
10. "I need a shit."
9. "Yeah, it broke. But I had my fingers crossed. That usually works."
8. "I'd buy THAT for a dollar!"
7. "HULK SMASH!"
6. "God Janet that was - God Alice that was wonderful-"
5. "Well you had your mouth on it, where did you think it would go?"
4. "Mom?"
3. "I killed a guy once."
2. "Do you like Star Trek?"
1. "Wow. That was hilarious."
9. "Yeah, it broke. But I had my fingers crossed. That usually works."
8. "I'd buy THAT for a dollar!"
7. "HULK SMASH!"
6. "God Janet that was - God Alice that was wonderful-"
5. "Well you had your mouth on it, where did you think it would go?"
4. "Mom?"
3. "I killed a guy once."
2. "Do you like Star Trek?"
1. "Wow. That was hilarious."
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Top 10 Random Thoughts I Have Occasionally
10. Satanists believe in God. They just don't like Him. Does that make Satanism a Christian denomination?
9. Fellatio is often referred to as "sucking," which actually happens during the act. Cunnilingus is often referred to as "eating," which - unless you're weirder than me - doesn't happen during the act. Are women more literal than men? Is this a result of a patriarchal society, i.e., does a man feel emasculated by pleasuring a woman and so comes up with a word to describe it that sounds like he's devouring her? Are men just incapable of considering anything that they do with their mouths separate from food?
8. The guys on the show Car Talk bother me in different ways, but mainly what irks me is their theme music. It's this twangy, banjo-y thing. That bothers me. They both sound like they're from the northeast. And they're talking about cars. And cars are machines. And twangy banjos don't usually conjure up images of technology, except for maybe whatever machines are used to make moonshine. There's just no connection. There's no reason for the banjos. It bothers me, even more than how annoying those two bastards are on their own.
7. If it's true that you are what you eat, and if it's true that whenever you have sex with someone you're having sex with every person they've ever had sex with, then if I kill a prostitute and eat her body, am I performing cunnilingus on every man she's every slept with? And if so, does that make me gay?
6. If ignorance is bliss, if eating from the Tree of Knowledge got Adam and Eve kicked out of Paradise, and we're all trying to get back to Paradise, does that mean going to Heaven makes you stupid?
5. People watch Ellen. Why?
4. Why is it that whenever some archaeologist finds something that dates back to the time of Jesus, everyone thinks it belonged to Jesus? Weren't there other people around when Jesus was around? I think there were. Otherwise, who were all those assholes who followed him around and mooched fish and wine off him?
3. Why is it everyone who watches House, M.D. says that if they were in the hospital with a mysterious illness they would want House to treat them? Do they actually WATCH the fucking show? Do they think House would treat them differently for some reason? Do they think they have some special knowledge about the human condition that House's keen intellect would spot, making him treat them with more sympathy? Do they think they're kindred spirits with House? Do they not realize that the first time the limping bastard hooked a car battery up to their genitals in order to test their liver function that they'd be begging to get transferred to St. Elsewhere? Or even the ER from Scrubs?
2. Why is it Ghost Hunters never record the barely audible sound of a ghost whispering, "Dude. Being a ghost sucks"?
1. Was it really that tough saying "Kentucky Fried Chicken?" Really? I mean, really?
9. Fellatio is often referred to as "sucking," which actually happens during the act. Cunnilingus is often referred to as "eating," which - unless you're weirder than me - doesn't happen during the act. Are women more literal than men? Is this a result of a patriarchal society, i.e., does a man feel emasculated by pleasuring a woman and so comes up with a word to describe it that sounds like he's devouring her? Are men just incapable of considering anything that they do with their mouths separate from food?
8. The guys on the show Car Talk bother me in different ways, but mainly what irks me is their theme music. It's this twangy, banjo-y thing. That bothers me. They both sound like they're from the northeast. And they're talking about cars. And cars are machines. And twangy banjos don't usually conjure up images of technology, except for maybe whatever machines are used to make moonshine. There's just no connection. There's no reason for the banjos. It bothers me, even more than how annoying those two bastards are on their own.
7. If it's true that you are what you eat, and if it's true that whenever you have sex with someone you're having sex with every person they've ever had sex with, then if I kill a prostitute and eat her body, am I performing cunnilingus on every man she's every slept with? And if so, does that make me gay?
6. If ignorance is bliss, if eating from the Tree of Knowledge got Adam and Eve kicked out of Paradise, and we're all trying to get back to Paradise, does that mean going to Heaven makes you stupid?
5. People watch Ellen. Why?
4. Why is it that whenever some archaeologist finds something that dates back to the time of Jesus, everyone thinks it belonged to Jesus? Weren't there other people around when Jesus was around? I think there were. Otherwise, who were all those assholes who followed him around and mooched fish and wine off him?
3. Why is it everyone who watches House, M.D. says that if they were in the hospital with a mysterious illness they would want House to treat them? Do they actually WATCH the fucking show? Do they think House would treat them differently for some reason? Do they think they have some special knowledge about the human condition that House's keen intellect would spot, making him treat them with more sympathy? Do they think they're kindred spirits with House? Do they not realize that the first time the limping bastard hooked a car battery up to their genitals in order to test their liver function that they'd be begging to get transferred to St. Elsewhere? Or even the ER from Scrubs?
2. Why is it Ghost Hunters never record the barely audible sound of a ghost whispering, "Dude. Being a ghost sucks"?
1. Was it really that tough saying "Kentucky Fried Chicken?" Really? I mean, really?
Friday, August 22, 2008
Uncle Ick's Top 10 Favorite Top 10 Lists Of His Own Creation (so far)
10. Top 10 Reasons Why I Couldn't Be A Vampire Slayer
9. Top 10 Reasons Why I Could Totally Be A Vampire Slayer
8. Top 10 Reasons Why Ninjas Are Better Than Pirates
7. Top 10 Best Things To Say on Your Deathbed Moments Before Succumbing To The Inevitable
6. Top 10 Songs I Want Played At My Funeral
5. Top 10 Reasons Why I Don't Accept Jesus Christ As My Lord And Savior
4. Top 10 Reasons Why I Dig Older Women
3. Top 10 Reasons Why Vampires Are Better Than Zombies
2. Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Have Sex With Me
1. Top 10 Things People Tell Me To Do That I Don't Want To Do
9. Top 10 Reasons Why I Could Totally Be A Vampire Slayer
8. Top 10 Reasons Why Ninjas Are Better Than Pirates
7. Top 10 Best Things To Say on Your Deathbed Moments Before Succumbing To The Inevitable
6. Top 10 Songs I Want Played At My Funeral
5. Top 10 Reasons Why I Don't Accept Jesus Christ As My Lord And Savior
4. Top 10 Reasons Why I Dig Older Women
3. Top 10 Reasons Why Vampires Are Better Than Zombies
2. Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Have Sex With Me
1. Top 10 Things People Tell Me To Do That I Don't Want To Do
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why Turning 30 Is Way Cool If You're A Chick (by special request for Chelsey)
10. All those creepy guys who only want to date women in their twenties even though they're in their fifties don't bother you anymore.
9. You don't have to deal with being 29 and torturing yourself over the fact that you're turning 30 'cause, like, you're there already. It's like the difference between knowing you're going to puke and the sweet, relieved aftermath of puke.
8. You get to look forward to milfhood.
7. Dating guys in their thirties is way cooler than anything else. Seriously. Especially if he's, like, almost about to turn 34. And he owns a kilt. And has a beard. And everyone who was there when he got drunk at his brother's wedding and destroyed a bunch of patio furniture and hit on every woman there and accidentally exposed himself while in the aforementioned kilt has moved away. And everyone who was there when he got drunk and jumped in his poetry professor's pool fully-clothed and threw as much water on her - while she was fully clothed - as he could, have successfully blocked him from the rest of their lives.
6. From here on in, every time someone cards you (and they will), it'll brighten your whole fucking month.
5. You get to make fun of your friends who are in their forties. They're really fucked in the head right about now. When they start getting tattoos and buying motorcycles, just stay away for a while.
4. You've lived longer than Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison, and Jimi Hendrix. And they were like, you know, gods.
3. Your sexual peak is still a decade away, while all the guys' sexual peaks are long past. Bask in your superior flesh.
2. This is the point at which, when you bitch about your day and how tough your life is, people actually believe you.
1. Before you turn 30 you think that once you DO turn 30 all the people you pass on the street who haven't turned 30 are going to think you're some old bastard and want nothing to do with you. The truth is that they would love to have something to do with you - even if it's just to get you to buy beer for them - but you're going to be too busy looking at them and thinking, "Jesus Christ, what a bunch of fucking morons. I was never like that." Bask in your superior flesh.
9. You don't have to deal with being 29 and torturing yourself over the fact that you're turning 30 'cause, like, you're there already. It's like the difference between knowing you're going to puke and the sweet, relieved aftermath of puke.
8. You get to look forward to milfhood.
7. Dating guys in their thirties is way cooler than anything else. Seriously. Especially if he's, like, almost about to turn 34. And he owns a kilt. And has a beard. And everyone who was there when he got drunk at his brother's wedding and destroyed a bunch of patio furniture and hit on every woman there and accidentally exposed himself while in the aforementioned kilt has moved away. And everyone who was there when he got drunk and jumped in his poetry professor's pool fully-clothed and threw as much water on her - while she was fully clothed - as he could, have successfully blocked him from the rest of their lives.
6. From here on in, every time someone cards you (and they will), it'll brighten your whole fucking month.
5. You get to make fun of your friends who are in their forties. They're really fucked in the head right about now. When they start getting tattoos and buying motorcycles, just stay away for a while.
4. You've lived longer than Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison, and Jimi Hendrix. And they were like, you know, gods.
3. Your sexual peak is still a decade away, while all the guys' sexual peaks are long past. Bask in your superior flesh.
2. This is the point at which, when you bitch about your day and how tough your life is, people actually believe you.
1. Before you turn 30 you think that once you DO turn 30 all the people you pass on the street who haven't turned 30 are going to think you're some old bastard and want nothing to do with you. The truth is that they would love to have something to do with you - even if it's just to get you to buy beer for them - but you're going to be too busy looking at them and thinking, "Jesus Christ, what a bunch of fucking morons. I was never like that." Bask in your superior flesh.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Top 10 Halloween Costume Choices For Uncle Ick
(NOTE: If the pics don't show up for you, try another browser. I don't understand what's going on. It's weird. I posted the blog on firefox, and they show up for me on firefox, but for some people it only shows up on Explorer. No idea wtf is going on)
Well, a good friend has already sent out invitations to her Halloween party, so it's time to figure out what to go as.
MAKE SURE TO VOTE IN THE POLL IN THE SIDEBAR! I WILL BE CHOOSING WHATEVER COSTUME GETS THE MOST VOTES! I've extended the poll so that it lasts until two weeks before Halloween, which I figure will give me enough time to get whatever costume together.
AT LEAST TEN PEOPLE HAVE TO VOTE IN THE POLL! Otherwise, I'm choosing my own. I'm not gonna go as Nacho Libre if, like, 4 people vote and 2 of them choose him. That's just silly.
10. SILENT BOB from various Kevin Smith movies
Pros: Easy costume requirements.
Cons: Already did it a few years ago, I'm trying to quit smoking, and I can't shut up for that long. Also, I hate Kevin Smith. He stole my look.
9. NACHO LIBRE from Nacho Libre
Pros: He wears a mask, so I won't have to shave my beard.
Cons: I'd have to wear a mask.
8. TOM BOMBADIL from The Lord of the Rings
Pros: No one who isn't a Lord of the Rings geek knows who the hell he is, so I know no on else will come as him. When I get drunk and start dancing around and singing to trees and inanimate objects, I'll have an excuse.
Cons: No one who isn't a Lord of the Rings geek knows who the hell he is.
7. OLAF THE TROLL from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Pros: The only Buffy character I could ever pull off. And I get to carry a cool hammer around.
Cons: No one who doesn't have the same intimate Buffy familiarity as myself will know who he is, and just think I'm a geek. Which I am, but still. At a Buffy-themed costume party this might be the way to go, but just in a general costume thingee, I don't think so.
6. THOR from The Mighty Thor
PROS: One of the only classic super-heroes I could pull off.
CONS: He's Thor.
5. THE MAESTRO from The Incredible Hulk: Future Imperfect
PROS: The Maestro is a futuristic version of the Incredible Hulk who goes insane and takes over the world. So it's kind of a cool way of being the Hulk for Halloween without actually being the Hulk. I could incorporate my beard into the costume.
CONS: Again, we run into the fact that only a specific group of people will have any idea who the hell he is.
4. PRINCE VULTAN from Flash Gordon
PROS: It'd be funny as hell.
CONS: Those wings would be a pain to reproduce. Either I'd have to go wingless, they'd be too small, or they'd be the right size and I would both have difficulty getting through doorways and constantly be apologizing for unintentionally smacking people with them.
3. HAMISH from Braveheart
PROS: I already have a kilt. So gathering the rest of the costume would be easy. Just need a lot of ratty clothes, maybe some blue face paint, and maybe blonde hair dye. Also, if anyone showed up as Mel Gibson or any Mel Gibson character, I would get to beat them up a lot.
CONS: Might be confused for just a random, generic Scottish guy.
2. SAMURAI CHEF from Saturday Night Live
PROS: Again, minimal costume requirements. And nothing about John Belushi isn't cool.
CONS: I'd have to speak fake-Japanese all night and try to hack loaves of bread to pieces.
1. SALLAH from the Indiana Jones flicks (the good ones)
PROS: Yet again, not a lot of effort would need to go into the costume. And I'd get to say cool stuff all night like "INDY! THEY'RE DIGGING IN THE WRONG PLACE!" and "Asps. Very dangerous. You go first." and "Bad dates." And in a party atmosphere I could adapt these lines for comedic value, like, "INDY! THEY'RE DRINKING PIELS IN THE WRONG PLACE!" (not that there's ever a right time or place to drink Piels) or "Deviled Eggs. Very Dangerous. You go first." or "Bad Candy Corn."
CONS: Would be bugged all night to repeat stupid lines from Raiders. Also, if anyone showed up dressed as Indy, I'd have to carry all their shit.
P.S. I realize that with both a John Rhys-Davies character and a Lord of the Rings character on this list, folks might be saying, "Hello?!?! Where's Gimli?" I'm not dressing as Gimli. No fucking way. Trying to be that short would take effort. If I wanted to be on my knees that much, I'd quit the radio station and go the Midnight Cowboy route. Probably make more money too.
Well, a good friend has already sent out invitations to her Halloween party, so it's time to figure out what to go as.
MAKE SURE TO VOTE IN THE POLL IN THE SIDEBAR! I WILL BE CHOOSING WHATEVER COSTUME GETS THE MOST VOTES! I've extended the poll so that it lasts until two weeks before Halloween, which I figure will give me enough time to get whatever costume together.
AT LEAST TEN PEOPLE HAVE TO VOTE IN THE POLL! Otherwise, I'm choosing my own. I'm not gonna go as Nacho Libre if, like, 4 people vote and 2 of them choose him. That's just silly.
10. SILENT BOB from various Kevin Smith movies
Pros: Easy costume requirements.
Cons: Already did it a few years ago, I'm trying to quit smoking, and I can't shut up for that long. Also, I hate Kevin Smith. He stole my look.
9. NACHO LIBRE from Nacho Libre
Pros: He wears a mask, so I won't have to shave my beard.
Cons: I'd have to wear a mask.
8. TOM BOMBADIL from The Lord of the Rings
Pros: No one who isn't a Lord of the Rings geek knows who the hell he is, so I know no on else will come as him. When I get drunk and start dancing around and singing to trees and inanimate objects, I'll have an excuse.
Cons: No one who isn't a Lord of the Rings geek knows who the hell he is.
7. OLAF THE TROLL from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Pros: The only Buffy character I could ever pull off. And I get to carry a cool hammer around.
Cons: No one who doesn't have the same intimate Buffy familiarity as myself will know who he is, and just think I'm a geek. Which I am, but still. At a Buffy-themed costume party this might be the way to go, but just in a general costume thingee, I don't think so.
6. THOR from The Mighty Thor
PROS: One of the only classic super-heroes I could pull off.
CONS: He's Thor.
5. THE MAESTRO from The Incredible Hulk: Future Imperfect
PROS: The Maestro is a futuristic version of the Incredible Hulk who goes insane and takes over the world. So it's kind of a cool way of being the Hulk for Halloween without actually being the Hulk. I could incorporate my beard into the costume.
CONS: Again, we run into the fact that only a specific group of people will have any idea who the hell he is.
4. PRINCE VULTAN from Flash Gordon
PROS: It'd be funny as hell.
CONS: Those wings would be a pain to reproduce. Either I'd have to go wingless, they'd be too small, or they'd be the right size and I would both have difficulty getting through doorways and constantly be apologizing for unintentionally smacking people with them.
3. HAMISH from Braveheart
PROS: I already have a kilt. So gathering the rest of the costume would be easy. Just need a lot of ratty clothes, maybe some blue face paint, and maybe blonde hair dye. Also, if anyone showed up as Mel Gibson or any Mel Gibson character, I would get to beat them up a lot.
CONS: Might be confused for just a random, generic Scottish guy.
2. SAMURAI CHEF from Saturday Night Live
PROS: Again, minimal costume requirements. And nothing about John Belushi isn't cool.
CONS: I'd have to speak fake-Japanese all night and try to hack loaves of bread to pieces.
1. SALLAH from the Indiana Jones flicks (the good ones)
PROS: Yet again, not a lot of effort would need to go into the costume. And I'd get to say cool stuff all night like "INDY! THEY'RE DIGGING IN THE WRONG PLACE!" and "Asps. Very dangerous. You go first." and "Bad dates." And in a party atmosphere I could adapt these lines for comedic value, like, "INDY! THEY'RE DRINKING PIELS IN THE WRONG PLACE!" (not that there's ever a right time or place to drink Piels) or "Deviled Eggs. Very Dangerous. You go first." or "Bad Candy Corn."
CONS: Would be bugged all night to repeat stupid lines from Raiders. Also, if anyone showed up dressed as Indy, I'd have to carry all their shit.
P.S. I realize that with both a John Rhys-Davies character and a Lord of the Rings character on this list, folks might be saying, "Hello?!?! Where's Gimli?" I'm not dressing as Gimli. No fucking way. Trying to be that short would take effort. If I wanted to be on my knees that much, I'd quit the radio station and go the Midnight Cowboy route. Probably make more money too.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why Uncle Ick Has Been A Depressed Emo-Kid This Week (hence, the lack of updates)
10. I quit playing World of Warcraft. Specifically I quit WoW so I could devote more time to reading and writing. This was a good thing to do, but I miss the friends I made on WoW. And I miss the mindless gathering and grinding and questing. I've realized that without the ability to immediately log onto WoW when I wake up or get home from work, I am left to confront certain things that I didn't want to confront.
9. Reading. I maintain that quitting WoW in favor of reading and writing was a good decision. I'm writing more and reading a lot every day. It's particularly nice to be able to finish certain books that I've been meaning to finish forever. For example, I'd been reading Catch-22 for months - not because it's a difficult or bad read, but just because I'd allowed myself too much distraction from other things. I also just finished Jonathan Lethem's The Fortress of Solitude - a novel I had started and stopped reading three times (and don't ask me why, it's beautifully written). The bad part of this is, well, I think I may have figured out one of the many reasons why I stopped reading - because good books and stories tend to be goddamned depressing. For example, while I've been reading novels I've also been reading a short story anthology my brother got me for Christmas - The Best American Short Stories of the Twentieth Century. Apparently, the best American short stories of the 20th century are all goddamned depressing. The last story I read ends with a father, his son, his nephew, and his dog drowning in freezing water. The story before that - "Greenleaf" by Flannery O'Connor (should've known better than to think I'd find shiny happiness in an O'Connor tale) ends with the main character skewered and trampled to death by a bull. Another one ends with two young brothers freezing to death in a barn. And then there's the one that ends with a mother and her son watching each other get brutally murdered by a racist lynch mob. And if they don't end in horrific death, they end with a romantic relationship being destroyed, a potential romantic relationship getting nipped in the bud (considering the events of my life this past year, these two story elements are particularly stinging to me), or a relationship that had been romantic but whose fire has long since been snuffed continuing indefinitely even though it's torture for those involved. They're good stories, they've got me writing, but Jesus Christ now I know why I write about super-heroes. They're more fun. They have super strength. And lasers.
8. I'm quitting smoking tomorrow. Yes. Again. And yes, I'm very, very happy about that.
7. Well, let's face it, it's been a tough year. Particularly in the relationship department. Thoughts of "I will be miserable and alone forever" invade my thoughts. And again, The Best American Short Stories of the Twentieth Century don't help. Maybe they have a "Worst" edition where everyone lives happily ever after in each story. And thinking about such a collection makes me think that if everyone really does live happily ever after in a story, it's probably either a fairy tale or porn. I wonder if they have a Best Porn collection. Edited by John Updike. Illustrations by Jack Kirby.
6. The number 6 bothers me. It always has.
5. I busted my ass for four years to get a degree - working long, lonely nights in a shitty neighborhood - to not only work in the same job in the same shitty neighborhood, but to actually move into that shitty neighborhood.
4. I have things I need to work on. Goals that need to be accomplished. And I can accomplish them, and will. I know that. And I know that the interim will be lonely, and I don't know how to handle that.
3. I quit WoW to work on my writing. This is a good thing. It worked. I'm writing again. But it has recently occurred to me that my ultimate goal in life - to be a professional fiction writer - will bring with it things that I am not so sure I like. Isolation and loneliness. Writing is an isolated activity. It's not something I can do with someone looking over my shoulder. It's not something I can do while joking with co-workers. In fact, there are no co-workers. And for the first time I find myself wondering if maybe I could do something else with my life, to avoid that loneliness. I know I don't want anything else, and I guess I'm having trouble making peace with that.
2. My ex-girlfriend Nicole was right about one thing at least. My town is a big bucket of suck. I can't find anything here. I wrack my brain to find a place where I can hang out and meet like-minded people, and come up short. All the bars are choked either with college students or people who would probably like to kill me. I can't even find a writing workshop group.
1. This list suffers from a complete lack of funny. Sorry about that. I'm working on finding the funny again. It's tough. I plan to download every single version of "Astro Zombies" I can find on itunes and beyond. That might help.
9. Reading. I maintain that quitting WoW in favor of reading and writing was a good decision. I'm writing more and reading a lot every day. It's particularly nice to be able to finish certain books that I've been meaning to finish forever. For example, I'd been reading Catch-22 for months - not because it's a difficult or bad read, but just because I'd allowed myself too much distraction from other things. I also just finished Jonathan Lethem's The Fortress of Solitude - a novel I had started and stopped reading three times (and don't ask me why, it's beautifully written). The bad part of this is, well, I think I may have figured out one of the many reasons why I stopped reading - because good books and stories tend to be goddamned depressing. For example, while I've been reading novels I've also been reading a short story anthology my brother got me for Christmas - The Best American Short Stories of the Twentieth Century. Apparently, the best American short stories of the 20th century are all goddamned depressing. The last story I read ends with a father, his son, his nephew, and his dog drowning in freezing water. The story before that - "Greenleaf" by Flannery O'Connor (should've known better than to think I'd find shiny happiness in an O'Connor tale) ends with the main character skewered and trampled to death by a bull. Another one ends with two young brothers freezing to death in a barn. And then there's the one that ends with a mother and her son watching each other get brutally murdered by a racist lynch mob. And if they don't end in horrific death, they end with a romantic relationship being destroyed, a potential romantic relationship getting nipped in the bud (considering the events of my life this past year, these two story elements are particularly stinging to me), or a relationship that had been romantic but whose fire has long since been snuffed continuing indefinitely even though it's torture for those involved. They're good stories, they've got me writing, but Jesus Christ now I know why I write about super-heroes. They're more fun. They have super strength. And lasers.
8. I'm quitting smoking tomorrow. Yes. Again. And yes, I'm very, very happy about that.
7. Well, let's face it, it's been a tough year. Particularly in the relationship department. Thoughts of "I will be miserable and alone forever" invade my thoughts. And again, The Best American Short Stories of the Twentieth Century don't help. Maybe they have a "Worst" edition where everyone lives happily ever after in each story. And thinking about such a collection makes me think that if everyone really does live happily ever after in a story, it's probably either a fairy tale or porn. I wonder if they have a Best Porn collection. Edited by John Updike. Illustrations by Jack Kirby.
6. The number 6 bothers me. It always has.
5. I busted my ass for four years to get a degree - working long, lonely nights in a shitty neighborhood - to not only work in the same job in the same shitty neighborhood, but to actually move into that shitty neighborhood.
4. I have things I need to work on. Goals that need to be accomplished. And I can accomplish them, and will. I know that. And I know that the interim will be lonely, and I don't know how to handle that.
3. I quit WoW to work on my writing. This is a good thing. It worked. I'm writing again. But it has recently occurred to me that my ultimate goal in life - to be a professional fiction writer - will bring with it things that I am not so sure I like. Isolation and loneliness. Writing is an isolated activity. It's not something I can do with someone looking over my shoulder. It's not something I can do while joking with co-workers. In fact, there are no co-workers. And for the first time I find myself wondering if maybe I could do something else with my life, to avoid that loneliness. I know I don't want anything else, and I guess I'm having trouble making peace with that.
2. My ex-girlfriend Nicole was right about one thing at least. My town is a big bucket of suck. I can't find anything here. I wrack my brain to find a place where I can hang out and meet like-minded people, and come up short. All the bars are choked either with college students or people who would probably like to kill me. I can't even find a writing workshop group.
1. This list suffers from a complete lack of funny. Sorry about that. I'm working on finding the funny again. It's tough. I plan to download every single version of "Astro Zombies" I can find on itunes and beyond. That might help.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why There Was No Post Yesterday And Will Probably Be None Today (Other Than This One, Which Really Doesn't Count)
10. After trying and failing to adjust my sleep schedule back from night work to day work, I got less than two hours of sleep last night, and I'm exhausted.
9. I'm tired.
8. I'm pooped.
7. I'm weak
6. I'm fatigued.
5. I'm sleepy.
4. I own a thesaurus.
3. I need a nap.
2. Glen Danzig.
1. I'm fuckin' tired.
9. I'm tired.
8. I'm pooped.
7. I'm weak
6. I'm fatigued.
5. I'm sleepy.
4. I own a thesaurus.
3. I need a nap.
2. Glen Danzig.
1. I'm fuckin' tired.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Top 10 Possible Interpretations I Should Consider Regarding The Magic Surrounding My Ex-Girlfriends And Their Living Arrangements
Forgive me, gentle readers. I usually prefer to do without any preamble, but this list desperately needs one.
I was dumped at the end of January by my girlfriend of five years. Let's call her N. Maybe a month ago, I enjoyed a two-week relationship with a woman we'll call K.
K lives on a street we'll call PW. Her address is #41 PW.
Last week N e-mailed me to inform me she was moving and that amidst the mess that always comes with moving, she had found some of my stuff and wanted to hand it over to me.
Eventually, I learned N is moving to the same street as K.
And N is moving into #40 PW.
Of course, this is already something of a painful coincidence, but it threatens to reach the level of providence because of a brief thought that went through my head the day before K dumped me.
The day before K dumped, I had a feeling the break-up was coming, and for a few minutes I jokingly considered that her address was a sign from the Powers That Be that things weren't going to work out. See, there's this great series of goofy sci-fi books called The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy in which it is revealed that the answer to life, the universe, and everything is 42. In fact, if you happen to be a fan of The X-Files, you may not know that the show's creators paid tribute to the series by giving Fox Mulder's apartment the number 42.
In other words, for a few moments I had a chuckle thinking that maybe the Powers That Be, with K's address, were telling me "Meh, close, but not quite there yet."
And now, with my ex-girlfriends lining up in a row that points towards the answer to everything, it occurs to me that I might want to actually consider - and not jokingly - whether or not the Powers That Be are really trying to tell me something here, and the irony of the fact that my break-up with K had something to do with my doubting the existence of any Powers That Be is not at all lost on me.
So, assuming there is something the Fates are trying to tell me here, I'm left with exactly what the Deity -> Mortal translation is. And so...
10. My next girlfriend will break up with me and move into either #39 or #42 PW, at which point her, N, and K will form a witch coven and have cool adventures sponsored by Spelling Entertainment.
9. I need to find out who lives in #42 PW and screw her IMMEDIATELY.
8. I have recently realized that I am spending too much time not doing two things - reading and writing. And the former always tends to lead to the latter. Since I want to write for a living, reading a lot is kind of a prerequisite, and for the time being I am forcing myself to be distracted by nothing but reading and writing. No World of Warcraft, no internet games, no tv, no dvds. Just reading and writing. And maybe after I finish Catch-22 I need to re-read the Hitch Hikers. I don't know. I hope not. Just because I've already read them and have so many books I haven't read yet. Plus I don't think I have them anymore so I'd have to buy new copies.
7. Hmmm. Well there is always this. Maybe I need to find a 42-year-old.
6. Bill Clinton was the 42nd President. Mmm...interns...
5. Washington state was the 42nd American state. Well, I do know a girl in Washington state. She's gay though. Oh, wait. Uh oh.
4. My 42nd post on List SMASH! was Top 10 Things People Tell Me To Do That I Don't Want To Do. Maybe I need to do all those things. Or not do them. Or do half and not do the other half. Or...Christ I hate the Powers That be.
3. Glen Danzig.
2. I need to stay the fuck away from #42 PW.
1. I need to stay the fuck away from PW.
I was dumped at the end of January by my girlfriend of five years. Let's call her N. Maybe a month ago, I enjoyed a two-week relationship with a woman we'll call K.
K lives on a street we'll call PW. Her address is #41 PW.
Last week N e-mailed me to inform me she was moving and that amidst the mess that always comes with moving, she had found some of my stuff and wanted to hand it over to me.
Eventually, I learned N is moving to the same street as K.
And N is moving into #40 PW.
Of course, this is already something of a painful coincidence, but it threatens to reach the level of providence because of a brief thought that went through my head the day before K dumped me.
The day before K dumped, I had a feeling the break-up was coming, and for a few minutes I jokingly considered that her address was a sign from the Powers That Be that things weren't going to work out. See, there's this great series of goofy sci-fi books called The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy in which it is revealed that the answer to life, the universe, and everything is 42. In fact, if you happen to be a fan of The X-Files, you may not know that the show's creators paid tribute to the series by giving Fox Mulder's apartment the number 42.
In other words, for a few moments I had a chuckle thinking that maybe the Powers That Be, with K's address, were telling me "Meh, close, but not quite there yet."
And now, with my ex-girlfriends lining up in a row that points towards the answer to everything, it occurs to me that I might want to actually consider - and not jokingly - whether or not the Powers That Be are really trying to tell me something here, and the irony of the fact that my break-up with K had something to do with my doubting the existence of any Powers That Be is not at all lost on me.
So, assuming there is something the Fates are trying to tell me here, I'm left with exactly what the Deity -> Mortal translation is. And so...
10. My next girlfriend will break up with me and move into either #39 or #42 PW, at which point her, N, and K will form a witch coven and have cool adventures sponsored by Spelling Entertainment.
9. I need to find out who lives in #42 PW and screw her IMMEDIATELY.
8. I have recently realized that I am spending too much time not doing two things - reading and writing. And the former always tends to lead to the latter. Since I want to write for a living, reading a lot is kind of a prerequisite, and for the time being I am forcing myself to be distracted by nothing but reading and writing. No World of Warcraft, no internet games, no tv, no dvds. Just reading and writing. And maybe after I finish Catch-22 I need to re-read the Hitch Hikers. I don't know. I hope not. Just because I've already read them and have so many books I haven't read yet. Plus I don't think I have them anymore so I'd have to buy new copies.
7. Hmmm. Well there is always this. Maybe I need to find a 42-year-old.
6. Bill Clinton was the 42nd President. Mmm...interns...
5. Washington state was the 42nd American state. Well, I do know a girl in Washington state. She's gay though. Oh, wait. Uh oh.
4. My 42nd post on List SMASH! was Top 10 Things People Tell Me To Do That I Don't Want To Do. Maybe I need to do all those things. Or not do them. Or do half and not do the other half. Or...Christ I hate the Powers That be.
3. Glen Danzig.
2. I need to stay the fuck away from #42 PW.
1. I need to stay the fuck away from PW.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Top 10 Things I Don't Like About My New Apartment
10. I don't know whether or not I have a doorbell. I called my landlord about it, and he assured me he would find out for me. So far, no word. Either he forgot, just doesn't care, or he both lost my phone number and forgot which doorbell was mine.
9. The ants. I think my bug-hitler traps worked and they're mostly dead now, but still I'm left with the disconcerting memory of reaching for my cereal box and finding a half-dozen ants already enjoying my breakfast.
8. The lights flicker. I have to be careful about having too many electrical thingees on at once, and when the fuse blows I have to go three floors down to the basement to turn it back on, and don't know whether or not I've managed to fix things until I go three floors back up.
7. The stand-up shower. First of all, I don't like stand-up showers. Second of all, the leftover shower curtain is caked on the bottom with dirt. Third, the former tenant apparently had a thing for the ocean as he/she not only painted a sailboat on one of the kitchen drawers, but stuck decals of aquatic animals all over the walls of the stand-up shower. They're easily detached, but only if I don't cut my fingernails for a week or so. If my fingernails are properly short, digging them off the walls hurts, plus I'm lazy, so I've settled with taking one off and hurling it over the dirty curtain every time I take a shower. It's always fun afterwards trying to figure out where it landed.
6. The bathroom mirror. Instead of a mirror, there's a window above my bathroom sink. The mirror is on the wall across from the sink, meaning I need to turn away from the sink whenever I shave. That isn't so bad, except when I have to trim my beard and either have to figure out a way to take the mirror off the wall and balance it on the sink, or just leave it where it is and let all my pube-esque face fur drop on the floor.
5. My kitchen has far too much shelf and cabinet space. There's the usual cabinets and drawers near the sink, and then across the room there's a ton of shelves and cabinets and I don't even know what to do with them. It looks like I either haven't moved in yet or am planning to move out. I'm thinking I might have to go down to the storage space and dig through my boxes just to find stuff to put on the stupid shelves so it looks like I actually live here.
4. The neighborhood is a little iffy. Not too iffy. My street is split from the really bad neighborhood by Central Ave, one of Albany's busier streets. Just a short walk across Central brings a much larger sense of danger. So my half of the street isn't too bad, except when I walk home at 5 am, which I have to do all this week because I have to cover night shift. Goddammit.
3. There's no front entrance. I have to go around the back of the house. I always feel like my neighbors are going to call the cops on me whenever I go home.
2. I have searched everywhere in the place and have yet too find any eager, horny women with bad eyesight and low standards.
1. Still need more posters, dammit.
9. The ants. I think my bug-hitler traps worked and they're mostly dead now, but still I'm left with the disconcerting memory of reaching for my cereal box and finding a half-dozen ants already enjoying my breakfast.
8. The lights flicker. I have to be careful about having too many electrical thingees on at once, and when the fuse blows I have to go three floors down to the basement to turn it back on, and don't know whether or not I've managed to fix things until I go three floors back up.
7. The stand-up shower. First of all, I don't like stand-up showers. Second of all, the leftover shower curtain is caked on the bottom with dirt. Third, the former tenant apparently had a thing for the ocean as he/she not only painted a sailboat on one of the kitchen drawers, but stuck decals of aquatic animals all over the walls of the stand-up shower. They're easily detached, but only if I don't cut my fingernails for a week or so. If my fingernails are properly short, digging them off the walls hurts, plus I'm lazy, so I've settled with taking one off and hurling it over the dirty curtain every time I take a shower. It's always fun afterwards trying to figure out where it landed.
6. The bathroom mirror. Instead of a mirror, there's a window above my bathroom sink. The mirror is on the wall across from the sink, meaning I need to turn away from the sink whenever I shave. That isn't so bad, except when I have to trim my beard and either have to figure out a way to take the mirror off the wall and balance it on the sink, or just leave it where it is and let all my pube-esque face fur drop on the floor.
5. My kitchen has far too much shelf and cabinet space. There's the usual cabinets and drawers near the sink, and then across the room there's a ton of shelves and cabinets and I don't even know what to do with them. It looks like I either haven't moved in yet or am planning to move out. I'm thinking I might have to go down to the storage space and dig through my boxes just to find stuff to put on the stupid shelves so it looks like I actually live here.
4. The neighborhood is a little iffy. Not too iffy. My street is split from the really bad neighborhood by Central Ave, one of Albany's busier streets. Just a short walk across Central brings a much larger sense of danger. So my half of the street isn't too bad, except when I walk home at 5 am, which I have to do all this week because I have to cover night shift. Goddammit.
3. There's no front entrance. I have to go around the back of the house. I always feel like my neighbors are going to call the cops on me whenever I go home.
2. I have searched everywhere in the place and have yet too find any eager, horny women with bad eyesight and low standards.
1. Still need more posters, dammit.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Top 10 Things I'm Going To Miss About World of Warcraft
10. Turning monsters and other bad guys into sheep. It's especially cool when you turn some big dinosaur thing into a sheep. Or a really hot chick and then...I sense I've gone too far.
9. Driving my friends insane by singing The Badger Song over vent (program to talk to your fellow wowheads).
8. All the females in Thousand Wardens and Hallowed Moonlight totally want me.
7. Draenei chicks. They're busty and they've got hooves. Get 'em home, have some fun, and then afterwards - HEY! Free glue!
6. Instant cure for boredom.
5. Now, when people ask me if I use the Internet for anything other than porn, I might have some difficulty answering.
4. Dwarves. They're just fucken cooler.
3. Every now and then, on vent, someone else would forget their microphone was on and I could listen to them making embarrassing sounds. More importantly, if it was a chick, I could listen to her type. And well...heh...read #9.
2. Killing Blood Elves.
1. All of my friends. You guys helped me through some rough times, and you're the only reason I played as long as I did. I miss you already.
9. Driving my friends insane by singing The Badger Song over vent (program to talk to your fellow wowheads).
8. All the females in Thousand Wardens and Hallowed Moonlight totally want me.
7. Draenei chicks. They're busty and they've got hooves. Get 'em home, have some fun, and then afterwards - HEY! Free glue!
6. Instant cure for boredom.
5. Now, when people ask me if I use the Internet for anything other than porn, I might have some difficulty answering.
4. Dwarves. They're just fucken cooler.
3. Every now and then, on vent, someone else would forget their microphone was on and I could listen to them making embarrassing sounds. More importantly, if it was a chick, I could listen to her type. And well...heh...read #9.
2. Killing Blood Elves.
1. All of my friends. You guys helped me through some rough times, and you're the only reason I played as long as I did. I miss you already.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why I Have No Idea What To Write A List About
10. I have to cover the night shift this week, and have so far failed to adequately adjust my inner clock. My mind suffers.
9. I'm hungry. Mild Wally's is supposed to be open until 1 am but when I called at 9:30 pm they said they were closed for the night. My mind is busy searching for curses to lay upon their premature asses.
8. I have two lines from a song stuck in my head. I don't know the name of the song. It's a slave song that Cartman sings in the beginning of the South Park episode where Barbara Streisand turns into a giant robot. It ends with "Someday massah set me free!" Actually, that's the only line I remember. It's frustrating.
7. Glen Danzig.
6. I'm tired.
5. I have lots to do. I shouldn't even be writing this. But I am. You ungrateful shit-monkeys.
4. Trying to think of what I'm going to do for my Top 100 list for my 100th post. No more penises. I'm thinking of doing "Top 100 Greatest Hulk Punches" and just scanning panels from Hulk comics, with him, you know, punching people. Whatcha think?
3. Someday massah set me free-eeee!
2. I'm worried these lists aren't as funny anymore. Yesterday's list was definitely not my best work. I'm trying guys. I'm trying.
1. Ninjas.
9. I'm hungry. Mild Wally's is supposed to be open until 1 am but when I called at 9:30 pm they said they were closed for the night. My mind is busy searching for curses to lay upon their premature asses.
8. I have two lines from a song stuck in my head. I don't know the name of the song. It's a slave song that Cartman sings in the beginning of the South Park episode where Barbara Streisand turns into a giant robot. It ends with "Someday massah set me free!" Actually, that's the only line I remember. It's frustrating.
7. Glen Danzig.
6. I'm tired.
5. I have lots to do. I shouldn't even be writing this. But I am. You ungrateful shit-monkeys.
4. Trying to think of what I'm going to do for my Top 100 list for my 100th post. No more penises. I'm thinking of doing "Top 100 Greatest Hulk Punches" and just scanning panels from Hulk comics, with him, you know, punching people. Whatcha think?
3. Someday massah set me free-eeee!
2. I'm worried these lists aren't as funny anymore. Yesterday's list was definitely not my best work. I'm trying guys. I'm trying.
1. Ninjas.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why Hulk Is Better Than Batman
10. Hulk could totally kick his ass. Like, easily.
9. Batman's movies, generally speaking, are better. Sell-out little bitch.
8. Writing Batman is easy. He's much more versatile than Hulk. You can put him in a kung-fu epic, a noir mystery, or a horror story. You can have him fight super-villains, crack dealers, vampires, robots, cavemen, ninja, whatever. And just by the very fact that he has a fake name and wears a funny outfit, when all else fails you can throw him into your regular old intergalactic cosmic hero-fest. The Hulk, on the other hand, takes a more skilled scribe to keep interesting month after month. He just gets mad and break stuff. And yet there he is, in movies, television, books, and comics.
7. Hulk did this:
6. Sidekick relations. First of all, Batman needs a lot more help than Hulk. He's had four Robins, Bat-Girl, Oracle, and Spoiler not to mention all the folks who technically aren't sidekicks but really are like Catwoman, Nightwing, and Azrael. Hulk's had Rick Jones and Jim Wilson. And they weren't sidekicks in the sense that they helped him fight. Just, you know, when he turned back into Banner they got him clothes and stuff. Plus, the Hulk is so cool that Rick and Jim didn't even bother to change their real names or wear dumb costumes. Oh yeah, and Hulk loaned out Rick to Captain America, Captain Marvel, and even that lame ass Rom the Spaceknight. Batman would never let Superman or Aquaman have Robin for a week (too jealous).
5. Batman's a whiteboy.
4. Batman spends a good deal of time and resources figuring out clever ways to take out his fellow super-heroes just in case he ever has to. Hulk just punches them. A lot.
3. Hulk declared war on Earth. Batman would never declare war on Earth. He would just spend 10 years covertly taking everything over and never letting anyone know he's pulling the strings. Wimp.
2. Hulk's parents are dead too. You don't hear him whining about it all the time.
1.
9. Batman's movies, generally speaking, are better. Sell-out little bitch.
8. Writing Batman is easy. He's much more versatile than Hulk. You can put him in a kung-fu epic, a noir mystery, or a horror story. You can have him fight super-villains, crack dealers, vampires, robots, cavemen, ninja, whatever. And just by the very fact that he has a fake name and wears a funny outfit, when all else fails you can throw him into your regular old intergalactic cosmic hero-fest. The Hulk, on the other hand, takes a more skilled scribe to keep interesting month after month. He just gets mad and break stuff. And yet there he is, in movies, television, books, and comics.
7. Hulk did this:
6. Sidekick relations. First of all, Batman needs a lot more help than Hulk. He's had four Robins, Bat-Girl, Oracle, and Spoiler not to mention all the folks who technically aren't sidekicks but really are like Catwoman, Nightwing, and Azrael. Hulk's had Rick Jones and Jim Wilson. And they weren't sidekicks in the sense that they helped him fight. Just, you know, when he turned back into Banner they got him clothes and stuff. Plus, the Hulk is so cool that Rick and Jim didn't even bother to change their real names or wear dumb costumes. Oh yeah, and Hulk loaned out Rick to Captain America, Captain Marvel, and even that lame ass Rom the Spaceknight. Batman would never let Superman or Aquaman have Robin for a week (too jealous).
5. Batman's a whiteboy.
4. Batman spends a good deal of time and resources figuring out clever ways to take out his fellow super-heroes just in case he ever has to. Hulk just punches them. A lot.
3. Hulk declared war on Earth. Batman would never declare war on Earth. He would just spend 10 years covertly taking everything over and never letting anyone know he's pulling the strings. Wimp.
2. Hulk's parents are dead too. You don't hear him whining about it all the time.
1.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Top 10 Dumb Nicknames A Person With My First Name Can Enjoy
10. Mick Dundee
9. Mick Jagger
8. Mickey Mouse
7. Michelob
6. Mickey D
5. Micholas (like Nicholas)
4. Asshole
3. Michelin Man
2. Anything that rhymes with "Mick" and is dirty, and there seem to be a lot.
1. Sex God.
9. Mick Jagger
8. Mickey Mouse
7. Michelob
6. Mickey D
5. Micholas (like Nicholas)
4. Asshole
3. Michelin Man
2. Anything that rhymes with "Mick" and is dirty, and there seem to be a lot.
1. Sex God.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why I Don't Accept Jesus Christ As My Lord and Savior
10. Hippies suck.
9. The duality is far too difficult to accept. Usually if someone has enough authority over you that the word "lord" applies, they're someone you need to be saved from.
8. Dead or alive? Pick a side. We're at war.
7. I believe there's some kind of god-like thing out there. But I don't give it names. How could any of us come even close to understanding a being that is all-knowing and all-powerful - something that completely defies everything we know? Calling that thing "God" doesn't seem any more appropriate to me than calling it "Doug" or "Bill" or "Terdface Jones." And I find it difficult to believe a being like that would give two shits whether or not I honor it by being even lazier than I already am on Sundays.
6. Because if I'm going to sign on, I need some clarification. We need to work some things out. Abortion. Homosexuality. Whether or not it's okay to eat shrimp. Why Jesus told us to turn the other cheek, while in the Old Testament God blew up your town if you said "fuck" too many times. Why a hippy like Jesus was the hero of the New Testament, while one of the heroes of the old testament was a dude who killed people with the jawbone of an ass, fucked the wrong girl, and pulled a temple down around the ears of his enemies and committed suicide in the process. It's like watching Gandhi right after Natural Born Killers.
5. If I'm going to worship someone, it's going to be someone to whom I need to sacrifice cattle. Fuck this standing and kneeling and sitting and standing and kneeling and throwing water on my face and standing and kneeling and shaking hands and kneeling. If I'm gonna worship, I'm gonna burn cows.
4. Zeus is way cooler than Jesus. He throws lightning bolts! Do I worship Zeus? No. So why would I worship Jesus, who doesn't even throw fire or shoot lasers out of his eyes? Sure, he can walk on water. But what does water do? It conducts electricity. ZAP!
3. Because if he is real, I am in SO much fucking trouble (for #4 probably more than anything else, plus all the masturbation).
2. Because if he is real, and he does come back, I don't want to be one of the morons carrying around a reproduction of the thing he got nailed to. Let them get their faces burnt off with his eye lasers for rubbing his nose in it.
1. I don't believe in Peter Pan either. Sue me, asshole.
9. The duality is far too difficult to accept. Usually if someone has enough authority over you that the word "lord" applies, they're someone you need to be saved from.
8. Dead or alive? Pick a side. We're at war.
7. I believe there's some kind of god-like thing out there. But I don't give it names. How could any of us come even close to understanding a being that is all-knowing and all-powerful - something that completely defies everything we know? Calling that thing "God" doesn't seem any more appropriate to me than calling it "Doug" or "Bill" or "Terdface Jones." And I find it difficult to believe a being like that would give two shits whether or not I honor it by being even lazier than I already am on Sundays.
6. Because if I'm going to sign on, I need some clarification. We need to work some things out. Abortion. Homosexuality. Whether or not it's okay to eat shrimp. Why Jesus told us to turn the other cheek, while in the Old Testament God blew up your town if you said "fuck" too many times. Why a hippy like Jesus was the hero of the New Testament, while one of the heroes of the old testament was a dude who killed people with the jawbone of an ass, fucked the wrong girl, and pulled a temple down around the ears of his enemies and committed suicide in the process. It's like watching Gandhi right after Natural Born Killers.
5. If I'm going to worship someone, it's going to be someone to whom I need to sacrifice cattle. Fuck this standing and kneeling and sitting and standing and kneeling and throwing water on my face and standing and kneeling and shaking hands and kneeling. If I'm gonna worship, I'm gonna burn cows.
4. Zeus is way cooler than Jesus. He throws lightning bolts! Do I worship Zeus? No. So why would I worship Jesus, who doesn't even throw fire or shoot lasers out of his eyes? Sure, he can walk on water. But what does water do? It conducts electricity. ZAP!
3. Because if he is real, I am in SO much fucking trouble (for #4 probably more than anything else, plus all the masturbation).
2. Because if he is real, and he does come back, I don't want to be one of the morons carrying around a reproduction of the thing he got nailed to. Let them get their faces burnt off with his eye lasers for rubbing his nose in it.
1. I don't believe in Peter Pan either. Sue me, asshole.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Top 10 Battle Cries I Would Use If I Were An Evil Raid Boss In World of Warcraft
10. I AM THE MAMBO KING!
9. EAT THIS!
8. Simple. Subtle. Powerful.
7. I HOPE YOU LEFT ENOUGH ROOM FOR MY FIST, 'CAUSE I'M GONNA RAM IT INTO YER STOMACH AND BREAK YOUR GODDAMN SPINE! NYAHHH!
6. HOLD UP! First, I need a piss.
5. Alright, take your clothes off and let's get this over with.
4. I FUCK YOU!
3. I'm not your monkey! I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING MONKEY!
2. THUNDERCATS! HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. MICK SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9. EAT THIS!
8. Simple. Subtle. Powerful.
7. I HOPE YOU LEFT ENOUGH ROOM FOR MY FIST, 'CAUSE I'M GONNA RAM IT INTO YER STOMACH AND BREAK YOUR GODDAMN SPINE! NYAHHH!
6. HOLD UP! First, I need a piss.
5. Alright, take your clothes off and let's get this over with.
4. I FUCK YOU!
3. I'm not your monkey! I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING MONKEY!
2. THUNDERCATS! HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. MICK SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, August 1, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why Mammals Are Better Than Reptiles
10. We're cuter.
9. We're smarter.
8. We're tastier. Why were the raptors and t-rexes in Jurassic Park hunting the humans down when they had a bunch of bigger, meatier reptiles to kill? 'Cause reptiles taste like crap. It's in the Bible.
7. Mammals go through painful birth processes. Reptiles just, like, lay eggs or something. Wimps.
6. Whenever a film director wants death and danger to resonate in the minds of their audience, they always cut to a shot of some little iguana or something settling on a rock in a desert or swamp, just doing that Gene Simmons thing with its tongue. Why? 'Cause reptiles are filled with sucky death.
5. Reptiles are cold-blooded. Mammals are warm-blooded. Vampires like mammals more. Except in summer.
4. If you're a treacherous bastard, no one calls you a "monkey-in-grass." They call you a "snake-in-the-grass." Snakes are reptiles. 'Cause they suck.
3. Neither Glen Danzig nor any member of The Misfits was a reptile. Not even the new dumb guys who do the "Monster Mash" cover.
2. Whenever people see a large, dangerous mammal in an area in which it doesn't belong, like a bear, they will usually spend lots of time taking pictures and trying to pet or feed it before it kills them. If they see a big-ass snake or alligator or something, though, they call animal control right away. They're dead in either scenario, but at least with the mammal they get a few moments of cutesy.
1. Baby panda sneezin'. Think an iguana with a hiccup could be that cute? I don't fucking think so.
9. We're smarter.
8. We're tastier. Why were the raptors and t-rexes in Jurassic Park hunting the humans down when they had a bunch of bigger, meatier reptiles to kill? 'Cause reptiles taste like crap. It's in the Bible.
7. Mammals go through painful birth processes. Reptiles just, like, lay eggs or something. Wimps.
6. Whenever a film director wants death and danger to resonate in the minds of their audience, they always cut to a shot of some little iguana or something settling on a rock in a desert or swamp, just doing that Gene Simmons thing with its tongue. Why? 'Cause reptiles are filled with sucky death.
5. Reptiles are cold-blooded. Mammals are warm-blooded. Vampires like mammals more. Except in summer.
4. If you're a treacherous bastard, no one calls you a "monkey-in-grass." They call you a "snake-in-the-grass." Snakes are reptiles. 'Cause they suck.
3. Neither Glen Danzig nor any member of The Misfits was a reptile. Not even the new dumb guys who do the "Monster Mash" cover.
2. Whenever people see a large, dangerous mammal in an area in which it doesn't belong, like a bear, they will usually spend lots of time taking pictures and trying to pet or feed it before it kills them. If they see a big-ass snake or alligator or something, though, they call animal control right away. They're dead in either scenario, but at least with the mammal they get a few moments of cutesy.
1. Baby panda sneezin'. Think an iguana with a hiccup could be that cute? I don't fucking think so.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)