Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Top 10 Things I've Learned While Re-Reading The Odyssey

10. I always figured goddesses would be great in bed, but that they would be kind of picky about who they would sleep with. Apparently I was wrong. If a stiff breeze goes by, they open up for it.

9. People in the ancient world were stupid. They weren't pawns of fate or irony, they were just stupid. If a goddess tells you that, whatever you do, do NOT kill and eat the cattle on this one specific island, especially since she just gave you a whole bunch of free food, it's not fated that you'll do it anyway. It's not ironic. It just means you're stupid. It's pretty easy to not do it. It is, in fact, kind of tough to succeed in doing what she tells you not to do. Yet people in the ancient world managed to go right on ahead and do it, along with every other thing that they weren't supposed to do. It's really kind of surprising anyone survived. They were very stupid people.

8. If Homer has Character A tell Character B a story, and then Character C asks Character B what Character A said, Homer is much more likely to retell the entire story word-for-word even though you just read it, rather than just write "Character B told Character C the dealio." Homer is an asshole.

7. Every time Greek people see a bird, they shit their pants and think Zeus is trying to tell them something.

6. Social networking is hardly a recent phenomenon. In the ancient world, everyone knew who everyone else was. And everyone helped sack Troy. In fact, so many people helped sack Troy, I don't think there was anyone in Troy to be sacked.

5. Apparently, all you have to do is tell a king he's a cool guy and he'll feed you for months, offer you his daughters, and send you home at his expense with piles of treasure.

4. The Hulk would've totally made it back to Ithaca in time. He can jump.

3. Everyone in the ancient world had a larder mistress, which sounds gross.

2. I don't think the whole thing about Helen's face launching a thousand ships is true. In the ancient world, everyone had chicks who gave them baths. And if you got tired of your bath chicks, you just went over to your buddy's place and had his bath chicks give you a bath. In other words, considering how many underwater handjobs a guy could get on a daily basis in Ancient Greece, I find it tough to believe that anyone was horny enough to start a war over it.

1. Gods, generally speaking, are assholes.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Top 10 Things I Learned About Pagan Ceremonies This Weekend

10. Pagans are always doing all this stupid stuff with stupid nature.

9. Pagans are very adamant about doing their stupid nature stuff outside.

8. Some pagans are not adamant at all about keeping their clothes on.

7. Most pagans have difficulty stifling their laughter during their ceremonies.

6. Before the ceremony, pagans tend to insist that the ceremony include a lot of singing.

5. During the ceremony, most pagans tend to not enjoy singing.

4. Pagans make okay burgers.

3. Pagans cannot shoot lightning or fireballs or anything like that, which makes you wonder why they bother.

2. Some pagans leave their 13-year-old daughters at the ceremony, who apparently have a crush on me, and do things like hug me spontaneously or grab my arm and hold it against their young chestlies. Which is awkward. Though warm.

1. Pagans are incredibly patient people with wonderful senses of humor who will understand when their non-pagan significant others poke a little fun about their ceremonies on their online blog.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Mick's Top 10 Thoughts About...Well...You Know...What Everyone Else Is Talking About Today...

I know a lot of people may not want to talk about this anymore. A lot of you may be tired of hearing about it. I understand. But I think it needs to be addressed.

10. Chicken came first. Egg makes no sense.

9. If an egg came first, it wouldn't have survived. Everyone loves eggs. They love them boiled, deviled, scrambled, poached. They love them in salads. They love to peg houses with them on Halloween. Someone would've taken out that egg.

8. If the egg came first, who kept it warm?

7. If the chicken came first, it could have been created as a female, already impregnated, ready to lay eggs. This would explain how it, and the race, could survive. If an egg came first, then the first chicken would be a baby chicken, and would either be a female with no one to impregnate it or a male with no way to reproduce.

6. Glen Danzig.

5. I don't really think it's fair that in my hometown some architect had to go insane and build something there just to emphasize how much he disagrees with me.

4. Fox agrees with me. Scully thinks it was two eggs at the same time - one boy, one girl. Scully's such a skeptic BITCH.

3. If a chicken came first, it would be running from predators all the time, which would explain why everyone calls you "chicken" when you run from a fight or refuse to go up and talk to that really pretty girl from class and they have to be such JERKS about it even when you explain that, you know, you figure she's busy with her book because she's reading a book and you're not scared to talk to her you just don't want to interrupt her reading - you HATE IT when people interrupt your reading - and I'm gonna go to the comic book store you guys can all DIE.

2. Eggs are dumb.

1. And they smell.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Top 10 Reasons Why 100 Days Without Nicotine Is Good

10. More money for hookers.

9. When Batman offers me a spot on the Justice League, I'll still have to turn it down, but it won't be because I smoke.

(it'll be because Wonder Woman won't ever learn to let go if I don't give her space to blossom)

8. A longer lifespan means more opportunities to find Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman's REAL killer.

7. Since I no longer have to wait on line to buy cigarettes, I no longer have to deal with the smelly fuckheads who can't buy lottery tickets and scratch-off bullshit without taking twenty minutes to do it. And since I don't have to do that, I will never stand there, tapping my foot impatiently, thinking "Yeah, buy more scratch-offs, you'll definitely win, it's not a waste of money." And since I won't be thinking that, I won't find myself taken aback immediately after that silent insult when I say to myself "Oh, what? Like investing in your own slow death is less of a waste?"

(of course, if they bought scratch-offs AND cigarettes, I felt secure in my hatred)

6. I haven't had to lie to my girlfriend about whether or not I smoked.

(which is good, since #10 has the potential for enough problems)

5. I haven't had to care that every business in NY, including old smoking havens like Dunkin Donuts and Denny's, has gone non-smoking.

4. I haven't had to worry about whether or not I had enough cigarettes and a working lighter or dry matches before I went out.

3. I haven't been "the smoking guy" at parties and get-togethers. Unless you mean smokin' HOT!

(no, I know, you didn't)

2. A couple of weeks ago I had a somewhat surreal experience at Wal-Mart with my girlfriend.

On line at the cash register, the woman in front of us had enough food in her cart to feed a few dozen yeti. This, naturally, would take a while to ring up. The while it took to ring up was lengthened by the fact that, when all was said and done, her card was declined. After a few awkward moments, my girlfriend supplemented the few dollars of cash the yeti den mother was missing.

The "while" that these events took was lengthened again by the cashier. I don't remember his name. I'm going to call him Rod. Rod was 17, maybe 18, with spiky blond hair. He looked like every bad guy frat boy/jock in every 80's movie. You know. The guy who's the son of the rich guy who's taking away the orphanage? The orphanage that can only be saved if the cool misfits put aside their differences to rock the Battle of the Bands tomorrow night? The younger guy with the meathead friends who all wear sweaters tied around their necks? Rod looked like every single one of those guys, but less intimidating.

Rod stopped in the middle of ringing up the yeti woman about a half dozen times. It was about 6:05 pm when he started ringing her up, and there was apparently some concern that HE thought he was leaving at 6, but his bosses expected him to leave at 6:30. So, every few minutes, one to three managers would come by his register and talk to him for five minutes about whether or not he was staying.

What was genuinely weird about it was that he did all the talking. This little teenager was dealing with people easily in their 30's, 40's, maybe older, and when they came by to talk to him, he dominated the conversation. He grabbed the schedule and pointed to this and that spot on the paper, explaining to them what the mix-up was. And not once did any of these managers say anything, use any body language, or even give a meaningful glance to signal that just MAYBE he should stop worrying about this and ring us the fuck up already.

Finally, after apparently the legislative session of cash register 7 of the Wal-Mrt on Rte 4 closed shop for the day, Rod grudgingly started ringing through our last items. He grunted a half-felt apology about the wait, and spent the rest of the transaction scanning our items at the speed of snail-fucking, and complaining about his long day. When all was said and done, it took us at least 20 minutes to get through the line. One can't help but wonder how close to 6:30 this evil genius was stuck in the place anyway, precisely because he refused to let a single Wal-Mart employee old enough to remember when phones were used for talking walk by his register without grabbing them and complaining about the time he was going to leave at ANYWAY.

This last bit, the complaining, is the point.

The last complaint I heard from him, before the beard I had shaved off right before entering the line grew back longer than before, was "I didn't even get to smoke a cigarette today."

If I had still been a smoker, I might have felt an ounce of sympathy for this stupid, aryan jerk who - at his best - helped humanity by serving as proof that, as one of my favorite singers, Perry Farrel, once said...

...Some people should die. That's just unconscious knowledge.


1. Because tomorrow is 101.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Mick's Top 10 Prejudices

10. People from Long Island - It seems to me that Long Islanders are the horrible fucks they are largely because of geography. Whether or not they want to admit it, they essentially live in a really big suburb of New York City. So, what you've got are a bunch of sheltered, spoiled little brats who are just as sheltered and spoiled as any other suburban. But, their close proximity to the Big Apple makes them think they're actually tough, hardened-yet-artistic metropolitans. When they blast Jay-Z out of their Iroc trans ams, they actually think they appear progressive and complex. Unlike most suburban shits - who are just as clueless for a while but eventually at some post-high-school moment will be able to admit to themselves that "Twin Brook Lane" didn't really rate as the ghetto - this closeness to NYC renders Long Islanders a bunch of thick-headed fucks who should be led off a cliff and set on fire. Oh, and they fuck with vowels too.

9. Zombies - I don't like them. I don't like their movies. I won't support their causes. Anyone who eats other people is bad. Call me narrow-minded, but I'm allowed to harbor a truism here and there, and I choose to make one of them "anyone who eats other people is bad."

8. Rich liberals - Apparently once you've made enough money, believing in equality for all Americans, believing that one of the government's roles is to protect us from Satannic corporations (i.e. all corporations), and occasionally considering that there might be a problem that could be solved by doing something other than murdering non-white people, evolves into spending long hours in antique stores without buying anything, listening to the most horrible fucking folk music in the world, driving to other states just to take pictures of foliage and covered bridges, and most importantly showing your dedication to civil rights by moving somewhere where you'll never have to see black people again.

7. The Decepticons - What? You think you're hot shit just because you can fly? Captain Caveman can fly, asshole. Just cut the shit.

6. Any white American who strokes their European ancestry - You're not Italian. You're not Irish. You're American. I'm not saying you should be happy about this. I'm saying it's what is. Drinking lots of Guinness and preaching to other people how they should drink Guinness does not, in fact, make you more Irish. Especially since from what I hear, the Irish are mainly drinking cheap American pisswater these days. So put your stupid hats away and stop pretending you have culture and tradition where there is none.

5. People who actually leave comments in response to the pictures at icanhascheezburger.com. Don't get me wrong, I like the site, but...whoa. Just read a response thread or two. It's more disturbing than a barn sex site. These people should be born with restraining orders ready to be filed against them.

4. People who get their chocolate in my peanut butter - Get your chocolate out of my peanut butter and I'll get my peanut butter out of your chocolate. Otherwise fuck you AND the peace roadmap.

3. The people at my health food co-op (a subgroup of #8) - First of all, I didn't need to know what ghee was, now I do, and I'm not happy about it. Second of all, here's a funny thought. When you're shopping for food in a place so small that it's nothing but one big pedestrian traffic jam, huddling together in groups of five to munch on expensive cheese samples and talk about where you're "summering" this year, might be STUPID. Third, the food is reasonably priced, it really is worth that much, and I still believe in Santa. I mean Jesus.

2. Atlanteans - listen, I've read the Bible. Well, actually, like everyone else who says they've read the Bible, I haven't read the Bible but I have read the important parts. Well, no, like everyone else who says they've read the Bible, I've had the important parts read to me. And because of that, I know if you really did exist and your city really did sink, it was probably because you were fucking in wrong ways. Which is totally fine, but it isn't like you didn't expect it. Also, Hulk can totally kick Namor's ass. Aquaman's too.

1. People who whistle in public - It's annoying. It's not pleasant. Buy an ipod and shut up.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Mick's Top 10 Psychic Predictions

10. The new cool, hip Internet social networking tool will be unveiled by the end of the year. It will be called "Junkface."

9. Within 5 years, Denzel Washington and Nicolas Cage will co-found a support group for male actors who used to do great work before they got worried about the sizes of their respective penises and so resorted to nothing but retarded, Fast and the Furious quality action flicks.

8. I will use "Glen Danzig" too many times on the lists and the same people who complain that I don't blog enough will complain about it. I will care about this. A lot.

7. Glen Danzig.

6. A bunch of people with iphones will tell a bunch of people without iphones that they're stupid for not having iphones. Eventually, the iphone owners will have to download a new app to clean all the cum off their screens.

5. Somewhere in New Orleans, a waitress will have a kinky, voodoo-tinged one night stand with a charming, rule-bending police detective. Unfortunately, in the morning, the detective will awaken to find the saucy temptress murdered in his bed. The detective will find himself on a strange adventure, attempting to clear his own name, avenge the death of this innocent-yet-limber young woman, while breaking the laws he's sworn to protect to hide the evidence that could reveal himself as a suspect. It will not only be a murder investigation, but an examination of the darkness of the human soul.

4. You will order some kind of delivery food. Somehow, there will be a mix up when you call and the person who takes your order will write down the wrong address. You will lose the phone number of the place you ordered from. The delivery person will never find your home. You will never get your food. You will both believe the worst in the other, and you will be both be wrong. Months later, you will meet and fall in love, ignorant of the delivery snafu of which you were both important parts. If you're not careful, Rob Reiner will find you and make a romantic comedy out of it.

3. You will be FUCKING wrong. Everyone will know you're FUCKING wrong. You will know you're FUCKING wrong. Your friends will tell you you're FUCKING wrong. Your family will tell you you're FUCKING wrong. Your stupid children will tell you you're FUCKING wrong. And you will be such a stubborn FUCKING FUCK that you just won't FUCKING admit it.

2. Someone extremely rich will do one of the following within the next 6 months - be cremated and have their ashes scattered in orbit, go around the world in something stupid like a hot air balloon or a canoe, or kill a panda with a monkey wrench.

1. A hard-nosed, straight-laced, squeeky-clean Republican congressman known for pushing anti-gay bills will be seduced by a younger man who will sell the secret sex videos to all the major news networks. You're welcome. I just have to get a video camera, and I'm good to go.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Top 10 Observations About The X-Files

10. Fox Mulder has been under suspicion of murder so many times, he may as well be a professional athlete.

9. Any television show or film that deals with issues of race is bound to have criticism leveled against it, but I think the makers of The X-Files were particularly stupid when it came to handling such issues. If the scribes of the show are to be believed, every single non-white race harbors an unspoken, forbidden knowledge about some kind of magic that exists in the world. I don't know if the creators were just insensitive and stupid, or if Chris Carter went to a Chinese restaurant once and couldn't figure out how they made their dumplings so good if it wasn't magic.

8. A lot of folks have said that if Othello and Hamlet had switched places, both plays would've been much shorter. Othello, it is said, would've taken decisive action against Claudius as soon as he learned of his father's murder, while on the other hand lago would've never been able to outsmart Hamlet. I think you can find something similar between Agent Mulder of The X-Files and Agent Cooper of Twin Peaks. Mulder would've been looking for a supernatural explanation for Laura Palmer's murder as soon as he arrived in the goofy little town. Also, Mulder remembers his supernatural rules and never would've let himself run away from his doppleganger in The Black Lodge. Meanwhile, Cooper is open-minded about stupid conspiracy theories and the supernatural, but his priority has always been solving the crime rather than finding proof of the existence of aliens or vampires or the Great Pumpkin. And he would've asked Scully out rather than pining after her for years and calling phone sex numbers.

7. I think if I found out my tax dollars were being spent trying to find Moth Men and werewolves and the like...I would probably think it was the coolest fucking thing in the world and would find a way to give more money to it every year.

6. I think I'm probably not considered a true X-Files fan by some because, ironically, while it was primarily considered a show about aliens, the "mythology" episodes - the ones that featured the ongoing alien/government conspiracy storyline - were my least favorite. In fact, when I think of the truly great episodes, none of them were mythology shows.

5. If you are a certain thing, you will die. If you are the jerk in a horror movie, you will die. If you are the protagonist's partner in a cop movie, you will die. And if you have any kind of hard evidence about the existence of aliens that you intend to give to Mulder and/or Scully, you better get your shit in order. Because in spite of how paranoid Mulder and Scully are, despite the fact that most of the episode will be dedicated to you and the knowledge you hold, despite the fact that they've been doing it for years, and despite the fact that they're both highly trained and armed, Mulder and/or Scully are going to leave you alone and defenseless in an abandoned warehouse. Then they'll act surprised when they come back and find you hanging from the ceiling with a suicide note written by three different people.

4. Never bring Fox Mulder to a production of Peter Pan. At the part where you're supposed to clap if you believe, Mulder gets up on the stage and gives testimony under oath. It's really awkward. Usually he makes the kids cry.

3. "Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space'" is, I feel, simply one of the best episodes of any television show, ever. And Jesse Ventura is in it. Which is cool.

2. I think if Fox Mulder's parents had named him something that wouldn't get him beat up at school, a lot of the series could've been avoided.

1. Scully's breast size fluctuates throughout the series. It both excites me and makes me feel betrayed.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Top 10 Reasons Why Superheroes Are Better Than Jedi

10. Superheroes have cool origins. They fall in vats of radioactive waste. They get bitten by freaky animals. They get caught in explosions. They come to Earth from far away planets. Jedi all have the same origin. They got abducted by freaks in bathrobes because their blood was funny.

9. Superheroes have throngs of supervillains dedicated to their destruction. Every individual superhero of any significant renown has his/her own rogues gallery. Meanwhile, the entire jedi population got taken out by two Sith. That's pretty fuckin' weak.

8. Superheroes get to make up cool new names. Jedi have to stick with their stupid spaceman names.

7. George Lucas has never directed a superhero movie.

6. Jedi aren't allowed to fuck. Superheroes, on the other hand, get to screw someone once but then the Joker or Doctor Doom or someone else kidnaps whoever they got to bump uglies with, and then they decide they can't screw them anymore because it will put their stupid lives in danger. BUT, at least they got to get off. Jedi just have to be abstinent and deal with it. And people wonder why they go to the dark side.

5. Superman is easily the most well-known superhero. Luke Skywalker is easily the most well-known jedi. One of these men has NOT had his sister's tongue in his mouth. Guess which one?

4. I can't deny it. There have been a LOT of bad superhero movies, as well as a lot of good ones. And there are sure to be more really, really bad superhero movies to come, as well as some really, really good ones. But you and I both know there will never be another Star Wars film that is anything but a big pile of Dooku.

3. So, after the first Star Wars films came and went, what did Mark Hamill - the guy who played Luke Skywalker, the biggest, baddest jedi - do with himself? He did voices for cartoons. Specifically, he did the voice of the Joker on Batman: The Animated Series and the voice of the Hobgoblin on Spider-Man. Think about that. He was Skywalker! And when he tried to make a home in the world of superheroes, they only let him do bad guys. The Big Daddy of the Jedi didn't even rate high enough to do Robin's voice. Scoop that up and eat it, Star Wars dickheads.

2. Hulk is not a jedi.

1. Anyone can be a superhero. Even people who don't have powers. Iron Man, Batman, Captain America, Green Arrow - none of them even have powers. On the other hand, you can't just will yourself to be a jedi. Whether or not you can join the ranks of these sexless monks is determined by how much of a certain bacteria you have in your blood. Conclusion? Superheroes are inclusive. Jedi are religious fanatics who believe in leadership based on random hereditary markers and Divine Right. Fuck Jedi. Jedi suck.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Top 10 Fictional Review Blurbs For The Novel I Haven't Written

10. "Martin weaves the mythic elements of his story with the mundane and personal so seamlessly, it makes me want to shit." -Publishers Weekly

9. "I'm glad I don't have to read this out loud because I can't pronounce his name." -Newsweek

8. "This book is so good, we might just let him in if he stops doing that shit with those hookers who dress up like Cheetara." -Jesus

7. "Before reading this novel, I would never have thought so many references to Hitler, breasts, and the Incredible Hulk could say anything meaningful about childhood hunger. But Martin makes it work. God knows how, but he makes it work." -Booklist

6. "The book is so phenomenal, I bet every woman Mick ever wanted to have sex with who DIDN'T have sex with him - or dumped him - feels really, really sorry about it. They should probably write Mick a letter saying so. With nude pictures in a vain attempt to correct their error. And little wet marks where their stupid tears rained down on the paper." -Kirkus Reviews

5. "The world Martin creates - using both familiar pop culture icons and more autobiographical elements - says something about America that is important, timely, and yet ironically dealt with such matter-of-fact apathy that the reader must work that much harder to see beyond the more romantic elements which, while satisfactorily distracting, are like a big and ugly noise drowning out a prophetic songbird." -Dog the Bounty Hunter

4. "Glub. Bubble. Glub Glub." -Aquaman

3. "Mick Martin? Pfft. More like Mick MOTHERFUCKING Martin!" -Christian Science Monitor

2. "Monkeys. Heavy Metal. Fishnet Stockings. Macaroni and Cheese. Genius? Maybe. Maybe not. But someone published it, and that says something." -Christopher Lee

1. "I could've been fucking. But instead I read this book." -William Shatner

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Top 10 Reasons Why I Never Finish What I Start

10. I get bored.

9. I get hungry.

8. The crushing futility of the human experience bears all its weight down upon me and all I can do is think "Who gives a fuck?"

7. I see something shiny.

6. Low self-esteem

5. Eventually it stops being about me, at which point I no longer care.

4. The proud dwarven city of Ironforge needs its proud champion.

3. Glen Danzig.

2. Porn.

1.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Top 10 Differences Between My New Apartment And My Old One

(For those who do not know, earlier this month I moved from Downtown Albany to an apartment in East Greenbush with my girlfriend.)

10. I grew up with 4 cats and a dog. My former girlfriend had 3 cats, and we lived together for around 4 years. So while I love cats and dogs, anyone who has lived with pets will understand it when I say that living by myself for a year had at least one nice perk - every time I opened the door to the apartment, I breathed a mental sigh of relief knowing that I wouldn't have to play the foot-block game with any cute little mammals trying to bolt out the front door as fast as they could. I would rather live with cats than without, but I can't lie. My right foot feels like it saw Paradise, and now it's back in the Hood.

9. Apparently, my new landlords don't actually WANT bugs in their apartments. I'm only assuming that because I haven't seen many yet. My previous landlord, I'm fairly certain, used them in lieu of a cleaning crew.

8. My new neighbors wear clothes almost all the time.

7. My TIMES "MOTHERFUCKER" HEARD SCREAMED FROM NEARBY APARTMENT COUNTER is still at Zero after, like, two weeks.

6. Unlike my last apartment, I am able to access my new apartment from the front door of the building. I have tried repeatedly but I can only think of one good metaphor for this, and it would be funny, but it could be construed as homophobic, so I'll move on to #5.

5. There are small children in my current neighborhood. However, I have yet to see 86 of them hanging out on the same street corner. At midnight.

4. The bad news is that there aren't any easy-distance corner stores near my new apartment. The good news is that there aren't any easy-distance corner stores near my new apartment that slash prices on cigarettes and scratch cards and charge 150% on everything else.

3. Cable TV and Central Air.

2. Strangely enough, it is still very likely I will be killed going to or from work. But now it will be the herds of drowsy commuters speeding towards Albany that end me instead of a stray bullet from a neighbor who only shoots at his wife's face because he loves her too much.

1. My new apartment comes with a beautiful girlfriend I love so much it's silly.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Top 10 Reactions To Watching Television After Going Without For A While

10. Jeff Goldblum as a police detective. What? Was Larry David busy?

9. Groomer Has It? That's the name of a show? Groomer Has It. Really? I mean, really?

8. Some people think Gene Simmons' reality show isn't staged, and I think that's funny.

7. Some people think there are reality shows that aren't staged, and I think that's funny.

6. You can't do Scrubs without Zach Braff. It's stupid to try. It'd be like doing Lord of the Rings without Frodo. He's the heart of the show. And he's adorable. And I'm not ashamed to say that. Though I will only say it once.

5. Watching a couple of House re-runs got me thinking. Specifically they were of the season where House picks his new lackies. I never watched the season from start to finish, but basically House stages a competition with a whole bunch of doctors, and he slowly eliminates them until he chooses a few to be his new peepz. I just think it's interesting that reality television has become so insanely popular that now fictional television shows are copying them to keep their ratings up. I think they should revive The Smurfs and do the same thing with that. Instead of House, make it Smurfette, and...well you know what the contest's for.

4. It really does amaze me that the reality shows that focus on fashion and modeling feature the UGLIEST fucking people I've ever seen in my life. My girlfriend watches America's Next Top Model. With the sole exception of Tyra Banks, everyone on that show - including the contestants and the judges - looks like they're about ten seconds away from getting saddles thrown on their backs and mounted by the Riders of Rohan.

3. I like books.

2. Women of the world, please stop whatever you're doing and listen to me very carefully. STOP. FALLING. IN. LOVE. WITH. VAMPIRES. They're bad. Not as bad as zombies, but still bad. Stop it. Those fangs aren't there to tickle your nipples. They're there to end your stupid, horny existence.

1. I was flipping channels, don't remember what station, but the host of a program teased the rest of the show by pointing out that, after a commercial break, he was going to drink wood.

Dear TV people. New Ideas. You need them.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Top 10 Surprising Things About Quitting Smoking

(Quick background – Between the time I stopped blogging and now, I quit smoking and all nicotine supplements. Today is my 88th day without nicotine.)

10. Cold Turkey really is the only way to go. I tried for months and months with the nicotine gum. Ended up getting addicted to the gum. Seriously. My favorite was the “Fruit Chill” flavor. At times I crave it more than the cigarettes.

9. After you quit smoking, God still hates you.

8. The fear of being without cigarettes is much more potent than the actual withdrawal.

7. The layover between quitting smoking and becoming a self-righteous non-smoker dickhead can be surprisingly short if you want it to. It didn’t take me long to look at my co-workers smoking in front of the building and think, “Oh! How disgusting!” Also, my testicles are missing.

6. Some people actually WILL be completely fuckwadish to you when they find out you’ve quit, like the guy at work who – on my Day 2 – offered to give me money to buy smokes if that was “the problem.” This helped lead to the easy transition mentioned in #7.

5. Apparently, after you quit you’re not supposed to have any any. Like, AT ALL. Can you believe that shit?

4. Hookers hardly ever talk to me now.

3. At first, you think that the constant stream of well wishes from friends, family, and co-workers is annoying. Then, the first time you mention you quit and someone DOESN’T respond with a “Good going!” or “Congratulations!” you realize you really wanted it.

2. When you don’t have a car and you live in an attic apartment at the end of a windy, narrow, dark staircase, laziness becomes a surprisingly powerful ally in smoking cessation.

1. People who smoke smell like ass.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Top 10 Reasons Why List SMASH! Was Gone For So Long

10. Sorry, but saving the World of Warcraft from the wrath of Arthas, the treacherous Lich King, takes time. Didn't see any of you guys pwning for your country.

9. I have been busy trying to find new and funnier reasons to link this video across the Internet. It's so simple, yet so stinging!

8. Daddy had to go figure some things out. Mommy found Daddy doing funny things with Mommy’s brother. So Mommy had some nice men with soap-stuffed socks visit him at night and take him away to a re-education camp in Alabama. That’s where Daddy has been all these months! The nice men reminded Daddy, using shock therapy and Doberman pinchers, that the only way for Daddy to make little boys and girls is to do his funny things with Mommy. So now Daddy’s back, and as long as Mommy doesn’t talk too much and as long as Daddy can close his eyes as tight as he can, Daddy’s gonna make you a new baby brother!

7. Mo’ Money means Mo’ Problems.

6. Forgot to give a shit.

5. I hibernate during Winter. And Spring. And Wednesdays. And dates with less than 3 digits.

4. Glen Danzig's lawyers found the site.

3. I have been updating on a regular basis, but on a frequency that can only be detected by Superman, dogs, and yeti. "Top 10 Reasons Why Lex Luthor Has Such A Tiny HEY LOOK A RUBBER BALL!!!!!!" was a huge hit.

2. Making fun of George Lucas has consequences you just can't foresee. Every other night I found a disembodied muppet head in my bed. And once, a copy of The Phantom Menace

1. Porn.