Saturday, November 29, 2008

Top 10 "Facts" I Would Like To Claim Are True But Cannot Prove (Or Could Prove, But Am Too Lazy To)

10. I was the only person in the history of Christian Brothers Academy to go to school with purple hair.

9. President-Elect Obama will be the first United States President to have more vowels in his last name than consonants.

8. Santa is not actually real, not even kind of, even if you believe he's real in your stupid heart.

7. In full-scale dwarf/elf war, dwarves would totally fucking win.

6. David Bowie isn't particularly afraid of Americans. Though Trent Reznor probably is.

5. If Agent Cooper and Agent Mulder had just switched jobs, everyone would've been so much happier.

4. Twilight sucks.

3. Once they do The Avengers movie, Hulk is going to kill everyone.

2. I was the inspiration the Rocky movies (but then they decided to make him a boxer).

1. Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Top 10 Songs You Didn't Know Were Really About The Incredible Hulk

10. "Sad But True" by Metallica

9. "Only" by Nine Inch Nails

8. "Drain You" by Nirvana

7. "I'll Be You" by The Replacements

6. "Burn" by Nine Inch Nails

5. "Show Me How To Live" by Audioslave

4. "Had A Dad" by Jane's Addiction

3. "Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit

2. "It's Not Easy Bein' Green" by Kermit the Frog

1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Top 10 Things That Make Me So Mad I Could Punch A Baby

10. This face -


9. Ellen Degeneres dancing.

8. Guys who walk around constantly jiggling their keys. Keys are things you stick into something to get somewhere you want to go. Which means guys who walk around waving and jiggling their keys are essentially flopping their cocks around for everyone to see. And that's gross.

7. My boss.

6. People who argue against universal health care, a single payor system, or some form of free health care for all Americans. Yeah, I'm a liberal and I have my biases. But I'm not completely narrow-minded. When it comes to most of my liberal beliefs, I am firm with them but that doesn't mean I can't understand why someone would feel the opposite. I can respect their points of view and disagree with them at the same time. But when it comes to health care, I just don't see how it could reasonably have anything to do with party affiliation or ideology. It's health care. It's essential. If you don't believe that every person in our country deserves free, quality health care (and yes, Minute Men, that includes illegal immigrants), then I do not and will not respect your views. You're not a democrat, republican, or anything else. You're not even human.

And if you're a conservative who fears free health care because it reeks of socialism, then I hope the next time your house is on fire that your local fire department demands payment up front before they plug in the hoses, you fucking nazi shitwheel.

5. The fact that everyone's playing Wrath of the Lich King right now but me.

4. Viruses attached to porn. Don't we use porn to avoid viruses?

3. My evil student loan lenders.

2. Time Travelers. Just let go of the past guys. Just let it go.

1. Davy Crockett. How can you be King of the Wild Frontier? If it's so fucking wild, how could you claim any kind of monarchical rule over it?

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Top 10 Things I Expected To Have Done By Now That I Haven't

10. Published a novel.

9. Tried more drugs than I actually have.

8. Owned a car.

7. Been given a Lifetime Consumer Award from Diet Pepsi and/or Smartfood.

6. Fought off a trio of drunken brutes with a combination of martial arts, brute force, and sharp wit.

5. Been so happy that I spontaneously broke into song in public, and the happiness was so infectious it led the entire neighborhood into the same song, which they somehow knew by heart just like me.

4. Been a super-villain.

3. Made more than $20,000 a year.

2. Could afford to buy a dresser that actually isn't the same dresser I was using in grade school.

1. Been smashed by Hulk. I've got it comin'.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Top 10 Things I Am Really, Really Bad At

10. Resisting porn.

9. Making anything look like it should. Like food. Or carpentry work. I make kick-ass lasagna, but it never ends up as what most people would technically call lasagna. It just kind of looks like a mish-mash of pasta and meat and melted cheese. It's like an Italian sloppy joe. Without the bread. I am literally incapable of drawing a straight line that is actually straight. And Christmas is my most embarrassing time of the year. If I use less than two dozen pieces of tape, there's no way my presents won't be showing at least a little bit of skin. Thank Hulk for gift bags and Christmas tins.

8. Saving money. Really. When it comes to money, I'm like a domesticated animal is with food. Like, you know how you could feed your dog or cat until they're bursting, but they still nose around once you bring out your own dinner? That's because they're animals. And even though they're all housebroken, their instincts are still telling them that if there's food around, they should get it. NOW. I'm like that with money. Something in my head just says "well, you have it, why the fuck aren't you spending it?" And one week, two television series' season dvd sets, six graphic novels, and at least three porn paysites later, I feel a hell of a lot worse than your dog does even if he's shitting out your jar of super chunky peanut butter for a week.

I'm actually conducting a bit of an incentive experiment to improve this. Remember when I quit World of Warcraft? Well, I've decided I'm going to play again. BUT, only after I complete a series of goals - among other things, I have to get at least one of my credit cards down to a zero balance, and I have to save up for a new computer.

7. Doing anything I said I was going to do that takes any considerable amount of effort.

6. Small talk with strangers. Some of you who see me occasionally in real life may have noticed I'm growing my hair out. I'm not growing my hair out because I want my hair long again. I'm growing my hair out because I dread that twenty or so minutes when I have to make small talk with the hairdresser. Well, also because I have to go through the hard work of getting there and paying money.

5. Not telling women the things that other women tell me I should, under no circumstances, tell them.

4. Figuring out a way to tactly, yet firmly - and in a way that allows them to still love me like the big, fat jolly bastard I am - let little children know that I'm tired and I want to go make sexual overtures towards my girlfriend and it's time for them to go pester someone else. It's the belly and the beard. That's why I'm already training one of my best friend's sons even though he's not old enough to understand me by chanting to him repeatedly - in a cutesy, baby talk way of course - "I"m not Santa. No I'm not! No I'm not!"

3. Understanding the things I do. I don't mean that in a psychological or philosophical sense. I mean that in a technical sense. I've worked at a radio station for nearly five years now. And you would have better luck finding out how radio works by grabbing a random stranger and quizzing them than asking me. Yet, somehow, I still manage to start and end my shifts with the bare minimum of fuck-ups.

2. Hiding spontaneous public erections. Thank Hulk for gift bags and Christmas tins.

1. Laughing during enemas. It's just not funny.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Top 10 Possible Reasons Why This Isn't A Top 100 List (Pick One)

10. So, I had this really neat plan for LIST SMASH! As some may recall from my 50th post, rather than making that post a top 10 list, I made a top 50 list. My plan was that, every 50 posts, I would make a list as long as the number of that particular post. This is my 100th post at LIST SMASH! According to my original plan then, this should be a top 100 list.

And I tried, guys. I really, really tried. I started and eventually scrapped at least a dozen different top 100 lists. At one point I actually had a clever scheme to have a top 100 list that wasn't a top 100 list, but 10 different top 10 lists all relating to the same thing. Didn't matter. I couldn't finish it.

So I could either abandon LIST SMASH! entirely, or I could cut my losses, do another top 10 list, and keep truckin'.

I would really like to apologize both for the long wait and for not producing the promised top 100 list, but I'm not going to because it isn't like you pay me for this or anything. So here is my ass, there are your lips, you know what to do.

9. Glen Danzig.

8. I can count to 100, but I really don't feel like it. I'm lazy, not stupid.

7. I was busy preparing for the possible election of Sarah Palin to the office of Vice President. And that took some fucking work. Do you know how hard it is trying to throw a saddle on a t-rex? They're slippery.

6. I just don't know if I'm that interested in 100 different aspects of anything. Well, okay, maybe there are some things, but a lot of ladies read this blog and I don't think they want to read that much about their own tits.

5. I pay $50/month for Internet access. You think I'm going to log onto my computer every day and not find all the porn I can? Priorities, people.

4. I was doing laundry.

3. I had to wash my hair that day.

2. My car broke down.

1. What do you care? Just read this 10 times.

(P.S. LIST SMASH! is back. Long live LIST SMASH!)