Top 10 Best Ways To End The Office

10. The final episode begins with everyone in great spirits. Dunder Mifflin is in the black and giving competitors like Staples and Office Max a run for their money. Michael is back with Holly. Pam and Jim are still together. Ryan and Kelly are still a couple, but, luckily for Ryan, Ryan is cheating on Kelly and she has no idea. Dwight and Angela are reunited. Even Stanley is in a good mood. The episode ends with Michael Scott walking out of the office building and getting shot in the head by the guy he fired after trying and failing to fire Creed early in Season 2 (Devin or Devlin, I'm not sure which and I couldn't find him on imdb - it was a Halloween episode and he was dressed as a hobo).

9. Michael thinks it would be hilarious to fake his own death. He manages to succeed so thoroughly that Dunder Mifflin hires a new regional manager and his condo is sold to someone else.

8. Michael does one of his infamous fake-firings, but on a grand scale. He fake-fires the entire office. Everyone believes him. The final episode deals with how all of the office's former employees have moved on. Everyone agrees on one thing - their lives are better now. The final scene opens with Michael giggling to himself and bragging about how surprised everyone is going to be and how he "got everyone GOOD." The episode ends with the film crew playing a tape of Michael's now former employees talking about how much happier they are now. Michael stands and watches it soberly, well into the night.

7. Dwight is finally irrevocably fired. The final scene ends with Dwight pulling into the office parking lot and entering the building carrying an arsenal of guns and homemade explosives.

6. Dunder Mifflin goes out of business, but Michael refuses to accept it. Fueled by Dwight's mad ravings, Michael encourages all of his employees to stay and uses the metaphor of a band of survivors in a post-apocalyptic film. And, as they usually do, Michael, Dwight, and Andy take the metaphor way too seriously - they board up the office, arm themselves with shotguns and golf clubs, talk like they're in a Mad Max film, swearing to keep on selling paper until the zombies come and eat all their brains.

5. One of Michael's comedic idols - preferably Steve Martin or Robin Williams - comes to Scranton. Michael stumbles upon them in a bar or restaurant. The celebrity tries and fails to get Michael to stop bothering them. Eventually, Michael follows them to a hotel where he manages to catch them doing something unsavory with someone like a teenage girl, a hooker, etc. Michael blackmails them to help him get his comedy career moving. He quits Dunder Mifflin and goes on a stand-up tour which enjoys a degree of unexpected success - largely out of an ironic appreciation for how horrible Michael is. He basically becomes the stand-up comedy version of William Hung and Snakes on a Plane.

4. Dunder Mifflin is bought out by a UK office supply company. Michael Scott meets his new boss in the final scene - David Brent, played by Ricky Gervais.

3. Michael wins the lottery and uses the proceeds to fund his film opus Threat Level: Midnight. He invites his employees to star in the film, and the final episode is littered with scenes from the finished product. It's possible Michael Skarn's love interest will be played by BJ Novak.

2. The final episode opens with Michael Scott found dead in his office. Dwight conducts a characteristically stupid investigation. We never learn who did it because everyone had equal motive and desire. However, the general feeling is that everyone is better off for it. Including Michael.

1. The film crew either decides they're finally done filming, or they run out of funding. Michael tries everything he can to keep them at the office. He tries to complain to the producer of whatever documentary they've been making all this time. He even tries calling corporate to fund a new film crew. The series ends with Michael running after the crew, simultaneously begging them to come back and singing "Don't Stop Believing". It goes to black on the word "stop."

Top 10 Thoughts Upon Finishing Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

(It should go without saying, but this contains SPOILERS)

10. I was disappointed there were no new racial slurs like "muggle," "mudblood," or "parselmouth."

9. I wasn't happy to see time travel rear its ugly head in the series (though I guess, in a sense, the argument could be made a form of time travel was used in Chamber of Secrets). I guess I should have expected it. I just get tired of it being used in stories of the more fantastic variety. It's just an easy way to solve so many plot problems. And it's been so over-used at this point that, unless the entire story is about time travel, it always feels like a cop-out.

8. Don't get me wrong. Overall I liked the story and this was probably my favorite of the series so far. But there are certain repetitive aspects of the series I'm getting tired of. I'm getting tired of the introductory chapters with the Dursleys. I always just drag my way through those chapters, breathing a sigh of relief when they finally get Harry to Hogwarts. It isn't that I'm anticipating the hero freeing himself from his mundane guardians, it's that the plot itself doesn't really begin until Harry gets away from the Dursleys. I'm also getting tired of the whole Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher thing. You'd think if they were willing to give Snape a full-time job, they could find a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher who wasn't evil, a fraud, or a fucking werewolf.

7. Speaking of Snape, so far I find him the most intriguing character in the series. I'm very curious to see, when push comes to shove, who he'll be standing with.

(And that is NOT an invitation for spoilers. Seriously, if anyone spoils the rest of the series for me, I will hunt you down and burn your comic books.)

6. I think I commented in my first top ten list about Harry Potter that I had difficulty taking characters seriously with names like "Dumbledore" and "Voldemort." I think Rowling crossed the line with this book. I mean, I can eventually forget that the two most powerful wizards in her fictional world have names that make them sound like lawn gnomes, but naming the head of the Ministry of Magic Cornelius Fudge is beyond the pale. I mean come the fuck on. Dude. I mean. DUDE.

5. It's really tough trying to NOT be spoiled. I managed for years to keep myself far away from any mention of the last episode of The Sopranos until I finally managed to see it for myself on DVD. Unfortunately, I ended up figuring out quite a bit of Prisoner of Azkaban's plot by doing nothing more than stopping by IMDB because I was curious about who played who in the film. This revealed that Gary Oldman played the "villain" Sirius Black and that the character appears in at least two other Harry Potter films. And in spite of the fact that you're lead to believe he's a bad guy, the IMDB photos show Potter and Black looking like they're buddies. That revelation lead to me figuring out most of big reveals, though I was wrong in some small parts (e.g., I figured out that Black was hiding as an animal but I was wrong about which one - I thought Black was Hermione's new cat, not the dog, because I assumed the dog was actually Lupin because I'd already figured out he was a werewolf).

And as an example of what I assume is another fairly big spoiler, I also find it curious that, according to IMDB, Black doesn't appear in Half-Blood Prince or either of the last two films currently in production.

(Again, keep your mouths SHUT please.)

4. My opinion of the Hogwarts faculty is not dissimilar from my opinion of the Jedi council. They're supposed to be incredibly powerful, incredibly smart, and to be able to see what the rest of us can't, but time and again they prove themselves unable to find their own assholes unless they have a thirteen year old boy around to poke it for them.

3. With each book, it's becoming more and more clear that in the world of Harry Potter, the most powerful threat to the world may very well be the result of a bunch of guys at a high school not liking each other very much. I think Rowling may have a few issues concerning her teenage years.

2. In all seriousness, while I liked the first two books, I think this is the one that officially hooked me. It's the first one that shows some real growth in the main characters and the first one to more blatantly lay groundwork for the following books.

1. I see the series getting a little bit darker, a little bit more "grown-up" but I feel like the transition is awkward. One minute Harry is filled with a red-hot, vengeful rage, swearing silent oaths to cut through the ranks of his parents' old enemies like a wild samurai, and the next he's a whiny little shithead about not being able to go to the sweets shop with his friends. Priorities, dude.

Top 10 Things That Are Just F#$%ing TRUE - They Transcend Opinion And Are Just Plain F&@$ing Correct!

10. If they weren't insanely popular, the same whiny critics who talk about Coldplay like they're the worst band in the world would be complaining about the "sheep" and "lemmings" who refused to notice this brilliant little English band.

9. If in the face of the hunger, murder, rape, disease, and abuse standing against the world, your major complaint is "I WANNA BE ABLE TO KEEP THE GUNS I HAVE AND GET MORE KINDS OF GUNS," you're an asshole. You should shoot yourself in the head. It isn't even a question of whether or not gun control is good or bad. If THAT is what is important to you, you suck. You are stupid. You should die.

8. If you do not believe in Universal health care, you are inhuman. You are not conservative or liberal, you have rejected your humanity. You are inhuman. And not in the cool way where you get to live on the moon and hang out with giant dogs.



7. If you are against gay rights, then you are either afraid of sex in general, you are concerned about the size of your penis, or you are afraid of something about yourself which you stupidly think you can subdue if you work to squash it out of everyone else. Or all of the above. Time has proven me right about this, and will continue to do so.

6. If you own a Hummer, you're an asshole. There really aren't many ways around this. There's no reason, NONE, to own a hummer other than reasons that make you an asshole.

5. Kevin Smith is a hack.

4. All this zombie bullshit is getting to be very fucking boring.

3. Yea, I was looking at them. And will continue to do so.

2. I'm not an atheist, but I'm working towards it.

1.

Top 10 Best Things About Almost A Whole Week of Getting to Work Before 6 AM

10. I get to leave at 2 pm.

9. Going to work early and leaving work early means I miss both of the day's traffic headaches.

8. My lovely girlfriend is letting me use the car.

7. Most days, I will have two-and-a-half hours between when I leave work and when I need to pick up Maryann. As long as I'm smart about it, I can gather a LOT of whores and heroin in two-and-a-half hours.

6. There's really no way to notice or care about any particular person at work being a jerk. At 6 am, everyone's an asshole and everyone hates you.

5. Free breakfast crap at work.

4. I can get the drop on Iron Man.



Drunk fuck.

3. The attempt to actually come up with 10 things that are good about being at work by 6 am may be futile, but it's certainly a great way to exercise the part of my brain that thinks the glass is half full.

2. The more I practice getting up early, the better chance I have this December of catching that fat fuck on the roof and making him cough up that Castle Greyskull.

1. "It's better to have to be at work at 6 am than to not have a job to go to at any time, regardless of convenience." -Confucius

P.S. The Albany cityscape looks pretty in the dark.

Top 10 Opportunities to Work "I AM THE NIGHT" Into Everyday Conversation

10. "Dude, why are you kicking me in that particular area of my leg?"

9. "If you had the choice of being either a daffodil, a daisy, a kitten, a puppy, peanut butter, jelly, a piece of cake, a piece of pie, a cold glass of lemonade, a warm glass of milk, or THE NIGHT, which would you choose?"

8. "Why do you fight evil with such passion and success?"

7. "What's your favorite brand of body wash?"

6. "Why is it whenever the Sun goes down, you Moon me?"

5. "What's that smell?"

4. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

3. "Why did you cum on my foot?"

2. "Why don't you ever do the dishes?"

1. "If you were a chess piece, which chess piece would you be?"

Top 10 Things I Love About My New XBox 360

10. Too many games. When she bought me the XBox, Maryann also bought me The Incredible Hulk, Dark Sector, and Marvel: Ultimate Alliance. We went to GameStop soon after. I bought used copies of BioShock and Assassin's Creed, along with a new copy of Batman: Arkham Asylum. Maryann bought used copies of The Simpsons Game and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. The result was that, for a few days, I didn't go near the XBox. I just had too many goddamn games to beat. I didn't know which one to do first. Eventually, I decided I would have to play them one at a time and wait until I beat one before I moved on to another. It's nice to have too many options.

9. BioShock. This was the first game I conquered. BioShock is a first person shooter. With one hand, you use weapons like pipes, guns, and grenade launchers. With the other, you use drug-induced super-powers to blast things like electric bolts, balls of fire, and flesh-eating insects. You have to admit, that's pretty frickin' cool. I mean, I would've settled for shooting people with guns, but lightning bolts and Tommy Guns? That's like getting the best BJ of your life, and then she decides not to charge. Pretty sweet.



8. So far, it just doesn't have the addictive qualities of World of Warcraft. I mean, I love the thing. And some games are more addictive than others. But it doesn't have the heroin-like I'm-awake-I'm-home-why-am-I-not-on-WoW? pull that World of Warcraft does. It has online capabilities, but so far - beyond downloading add-ons to games - I'm not interested.

7. Besides lifting heavy things and peeing while standing, it is the only thing at which I am clearly better than my girlfriend. Actually, okay, besides peeing while standing, it is the only thing at which I am clearly better than my girlfriend. After watching her stumble through the tutorial level of The Simpsons Game for what felt like 40 minutes, I was ready to rip the damn controller out of her hands.

6. When I first thought about getting the XBox 360, I was curious about any superhero games available. Of course, I found mention of The Incredible Hulk online, and unfortunately most reviews of the game slammed it pretty hard.

After playing it, I SO don't care what anyone else has to say about it. I love it. Not only can you break and smash just about ANYTHING in the game (cars, street lights, park benches, trees, innocent bystanders), but there's a wonderful freedom-of-movement aspect of the game with which you can maximize destruction. The game takes place in New York City and you can wander around the city as much as you want without taking part in the actual story of the game (though eventually the game spawns a constant stream of military units who will follow you). You can, after causing enough damage, knock down any building in New York City, including numerous Marvel Comics landmarks. As the Hulk, I've destroyed the Daily Bugle building, the Baxter Building (HQ of the Fantastic Four), Doctor Strange's Sanctum Sanctorum, the Law Offices of Murdock & Nelson (Daredevil's day job), the Latverian Embassy (the country Dr. Doom rules), and Iron Man's Stark Tower. You can even destroy the Marvel Comics office, though it would've been more fitting to destroy the DC Comics office I guess. I did feel a little guilty knocking down the Apollo Theatre, but otherwise destroying buildings as the Hulk is a great stress reliever.

5. Three words - Chicks, chicks, chicks.

4. Sequels. I had no idea when I bought BioShock and Assassin's Creed that they both had upcoming sequels. Assassin's Creed II in November, BioShock 2 in February.

3. Batman: Arkham Asylum. I don't want to say too much because I plan to write a review about it soon for Trouble with Comics, plus I haven't actually finished the game yet, but aesthetically it does for superhero video games what The Dark Knight did for superhero movies. Just a wonderful game with some absolutely stunning sequences, particularly when you come across Scarecrow.



2. The new video game technology makes it possible for video games to be something much more than what they were. The work and artistry put into a lot of these games is amazing, and it makes me wonder whether or not some of them could - if not now, then somewhere down the road - be considered more than games. Art? Maybe. Some, particularly the RPGs, are closer to being interactive movies than actual games anyway.

1. Easy Mode. I wish everything had an Easy Mode. Why the hell would I play any other way? Because it's more "challenging?" Pfft. Kiss my ass, cyborgs. I got shit to do.

Top 10 Reactions upon finishing Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

10. Every time I see Ron Weasley's scared/surprised face, which seems to be pretty much the only face he makes, it makes me want to punch a baby.



9. I'm happy to see Gollum was able to get work after melting in Mt. Doom.



8. I don't care if I were a wizard or a witch or a house elf or what. If I had to actually tell people. "Yeah, I'm a Hufflepuff," I'd shoot myself in the fuckin' head.

7. Well in the first book there was just "muggles." Now there's mudbloods, squibs, and parselmouths. Rowling is better with racial slurs than Archie Bunker.

6. Anyone else think these wealthy, intelligent, super-powerful wizards could do with installing a video camera? A couple of motion sensors?

5. Why isn't Hermione the main character? I realize magic is handled differently in different fantasy series, but I'm pretty sure one of the universal factors is that wizards can generally cast spells. Harry doesn't seem to, like, use...magic. He mainly just gets attacked by monsters, and then Dumbledore's stuff flies to him at just the right moment so he doesn't die. Hermione, on the other hand, actually casts spells. In a fight, I'm betting on her.

4. Why does all the bad stuff lead back to Voldemort? Harry Potter's world needs a more diverse Rogue's Gallery. Some dude with an island. Moon rockets. Some robots and shit.

3. In the film, Branagh is frikkin' hilarious. I guess everyone's good for something.

2. Are there only English wizards? Is there an American magic school where they do special cowboy magic or something?

1. I read "Chamber of Secrets" and I think "Vagina."

The End of List SMASH!

Some things are too good to last.

And then there's List SMASH!

List SMASH! was conceived in the wake of the break-up of a 5-year long relationship, and it had more than one purpose. It was a crawl-before-you-walk tactic to unblock my creative juices. I figured if I was writing a list per day, at least I was writing something. It was a way to vent, no matter how indirectly. But most importantly, it was a way to reconnect. Years of working the same hours as Batman took its toll on my social life, and after my relationship ended with the 5-year-Bitch, I needed friends more than ever.

Since then, I've wandered. Not all who wander are lost, but you know what Tolky buddy? Some fucking are.

I won't bore you with specifics. There are things I should've done more. There are things I should've done less. I have all but discarded the latter, and I'm embracing the former.

Of the parts of my life I have neglected, blogging about comics is something I've missed dearly. It was one of the more rewarding experiences of my life. It put me in touch with comic book professionals. It broadened my palette for an amazing art form that a lot of people still don't recognize. Most importantly, I thought I knew comics, and it taught me I didn't know shit.

Recently, my old buddy Alan Doane contacted me and a bunch of other alumni of his site Comic Book Galaxy. He asked us if we wanted to get something going. And so, we have the new group blog Trouble with Comics. I haven't contributed much of anything yet, but that will change soon. In the meantime, I'm preparing to put the defibrillators to my old comics blog, whose name is too cool to let it lay dormant, Superheroes, etc.

I feel good. Frankly, I feel better than I have in a while. I don't want to be melodramatic about this, but at the same time I want to be honest, no matter how much cheese that honesty produces. The fact is I feel like I left my path, and now I've found it again. My chest feels warm. I feel strong. I feel ready for all the things I've been hiding from.

Unfortunately, I just don't see room for List SMASH! Writing for a group blog, writing for my own blog, writing fiction on the side, AND semi-daily lists? Can't do it. I just can't.

But I'm not completely done with the Smash. The blog currently has 175 lists. I figure I have the time for 25 more to make it a nice round number like 200. And I'm going to try to take some extra care with them. None of those lists where I just want to update the site so I crap out something easy like "Top 10 Favorite Numbers". Once I'm done, the blog will remain. It won't be updated, but I'm not going to delete it or anything either.

I want to thank everyone who's visited the site and who's nudged me to keep updating when I've lagged behind. It always felt good to know this was something people genuinely enjoyed.

But, you know, it isn't like any of you pay me for it or anything. So don't even bitch. I'm bigger than all of you anyway.

Top 10 Thoughts Regarding the Passing of Patrick Swayze

10. I care more about your passing than I thought I would, Mr. Swayze. I guess you always seemed like the kind of person I shouldn't like - a handsome actor playing all-American heroes in action flicks. But it's tough to ignore the fact that you were an important part of the pop culture landscape for the better part of my childhood and even early adulthood. The Outsiders, Red Dawn, Road House, Point Break, even Donnie Darko.

9. I wonder how many people remember Ghost being the Titanic of its day. Instead of Celine Dion, it revived the oldie "Unchained Melody" and had it playing on every teenage girl's walkman. And I'm willing to bet it brought some more interest to the art of pottery, too.



8. If you had killed Neo in Point Break, it could've spared us all a lot of bullshit later. Not your fault. I know. 'M just sayin'.

7. Oh man, I just realized. There are probably gonna be so many tribute videos, jpegs, etc., made of the part at the end of Ghost when he goes to Heaven. Which, I guess, is fine. And fitting. I didn't begrudge anyone when they made all those Superman-flying-to-Heaven cartoons after Reeves died.

6. I don't know much about Swayze's personal life. Next to nothing really. So the only negative thing I can say about him is that he helped, and indirectly continues to help, survivalist assholes justify their paranoid dogshit.



But, he was a young actor trying to make a name. And it isn't like gun-nuts need that much help coming up with reasons to be nutty about guns.

5. Actually, you know, he would've made a damn good Captain America when he was younger.

4. How many people remember when Dirty Dancing was considered controversial? Seriously. Can you believe that?

3. Seriously...looking at a cast photo of The Outsiders...dude...if you and Dillon had just knifed EVERYBODY in that picture do you realize the brighter world this place would be?!?!?! No Karate Kid II or Karate Kid III, no Minority Report or Jerry Maguire, no Men at Work or Young Guns, no Tommy Bo--well, okay, to be fair I guess those assholes from SNL could've found someone else to play villains in their shitty movies...

2. He let a goofy fat guy into his bouncer super team in Road House.



As a representative of goofy fat guys everywhere, thanks.

1. Thanks for acting and being a part of my life, Mr. Swayze. Have fun on the other side of the clouds.

(And if you see that guy whose throat you ripped out, apologize dude. Seriously. Apologize.)

Top 10 Coolest Names

10. Gary Gygax



9. Olympia Dukakis



8. Glen Danzig



7. Frankenberry



6. Jello Biafra



5. Han Solo



4. Sid Vicious



3. Wolf Blitzer



2. Baron von Evilstein



1. Beta Ray Bill

Top 10 Things I Love About Our New Kitty Gimli

10. He's brave. Lily, one of our older cats, didn't like when Gimli tried to cuddle with his Mommy while she was trying to cuddle with Mommy. She smacked him. Hard. Gave him a meaty, loud THWACK right on the noggin. He just backed up a step, walked right back, sat down, and looked at Lily as if to say "You hit like a girl."

9. He's an outlaw. Look at this picture.



Okay now look at this picture.



Do you see how fucking little he is? That is NOT legal. He is far too little. In fact, I think he's faking his enormous level of little just to appear cuter which, in turn, mires him in more legal difficulties. He is too cute and too little. Because he hates THE MAN.

8. He's named "Gimli"! How fuckin' cool is that?

7. I never have to clean my beard again.



6. He'll never know how close he was to being named "Firelord."



No. Seriously.

5. So far, I'm very clearly his favorite bed.

4. He helped save Middle Earth. And that thing about him suggesting Moria was a total fucking lie perpetrated by THE MAN. He suggested they go under the bureau, then under the bed, then under the bureau, then under the bed, then maybe sneak out for the hall...oh shit back under the bed...

3. If I'm at the computer and he wants to be picked up, he cries for me. Usually, I pick him up. But sometimes I can't, like in the morning when I do my writing exercise where I'm supposed to write three pages without stopping. When I can't pick him up, he stops crying after a while, and when I'm finally done with whatever I'm doing, I look down and see him curled up in a ball at my feet. And it breaks my heart every time.

2. He's made the other cats jealous, which in turns helps us manipulate the other cats. I'm pretty sure both of the cats are getting me Best Buy gift cards for my birthday. Pretty effin' sweet.

1. He helped me beat up Iron Man.



Drunk fuck. (Iron Man, not the kitty)

Top 10 Things to Consider When Deciding Whether or Not to Play World of Warcraft

Someone is beckoning a friend of mine towards the mystical world of Azeroth. She still hasn't decided whether or not to take the plunge. I thought I would help.

10. To date, there have been two expansions to the game. Also, like other online games, when you play World of Warcraft you will occasionally need to download patches. World of Warcraft has been around for close to 5 years. So, if you decide to play, you will be installing World of Warcraft, then World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade, then World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King, and finally 5 years worth of patches. The entire process is likely to take around 8 hours. And no, I'm not kidding or exaggerating.

9. Read this, and realize that if you join a WoW guild, you will learn that when I wrote that list, I wasn't joking that much.

8. Dwarves are better than Elves. It's not an opinion. I proved it.



7. You will have to learn a new language. You will need to find a friend or two to translate or you'll be completely fucking lost. And if you don't believe me, then once you ding 40, head to SM Lib but make sure you manage your aoe so your dps isn't so high it aggros over the tank and causes a wipe.

6. If you plan on playing a female character, ask yourself how many private messages you want from players wanting to do things to you only legal in Thailand. If you're not okay with that, play a male character. Or, go ahead and play a female. Just make it either a dwarf or a gnome.

5. People will tell you that playing a Hunter is for newbs, that it takes no skill at all, that hunters are overpowered, and that it's the absolute easiest thing in the game to do.

They're right. Don't be stupid. Play a Hunter. (Here's mine)

4. Eventually, your guildmates will want you to get a program called Ventrilo that facilitates voice chat. It's best to lie and say it won't work on your computer. I guarantee you most of the people in your guild are annoying.

3. Eventually friends are going to want to take you into dungeons. If you want to figure out whether or not you have enough time to do it, ask the person who invited you how long it will take. Multiply their answer by 2. Then add an hour.

2. If you choose to play WoW, you will eventually experience a very important moment.

In WoW, you can adjust your camera view by clicking and holding the left mouse button anywhere on the screen, and then rotating your view by moving the mouse while still holding the button.

One day, you will go looking for videos people made of WoW and posted on YouTube. Maybe someone will tell you about a funny one. Maybe your guild leader will tell you to go check out the video of a boss fight to help you learn your role in the encounter. Or maybe you'll just be curious about one of those dumb ass videos people make of their WoW characters dancing to "Numa Numa."

At some point, you will start clicking on the YouTube screen in an attempt to rotate the camera view, just like in the game. It will take you a couple of seconds to realize that you actually THINK YOU'RE PLAYING THE GAME, even though you're not.

This will bother you. It will be a very blue pill/red pill moment.

You're probably gonna take the red pill. Just so you know.

1. My ex-girlfriend had a rule about WoW. While she would later use it in a sadistic and manipulative manner, it's still a good rule. If you do choose to play WoW, keep it in the back of your head in case you begin to lose yourself in the virtual world of Azeroth.

The rule: "The first time you refuse sex for WoW, it's OVER."

Top 10 Most Memorable Video Games I've Enjoyed

I have video games on the brain.

Which I guess shouldn't be surprising. With both the sneaking suspicion that I may be getting a game console for my birthday and the announcement of the third World of Warcraft expansion, it's proving tough to think about anything that doesn't come with calloused thumbs, carpal tunnel, and the wholesale slaughter of hundreds of make-believe bastards.

So I thought I'd vent a little of that pixelated steam with a bit of nostalgia. Please remember, I'm not claiming to be some kind of video game expert. I am not saying these are the best video games of all time. In fact, as you will see, most hardcore gamers would probably have a thing or two to say with all the genres and platforms I'm mixing together here. These aren't "the best," they're just the ones I remember best.

10. Sonic the Hedgehog



If I remember correctly, my copy of Sonic came with my Sega Genesis.

My memories of the game aren't very clear. I just remember it was something of a landmark because it was the very first console game I ever finished. I think, before then, I never even considered the idea that you were supposed to finish or win video games. You just waited until you died too many times for the video game gods to allow you to continue.


9. Spider-Man and Venom: Maximum Carnage



A side-scroller, and not necessarily a very good one, again on Sega Genesis. If memory serves, you play as Spider-Man for a few levels, Venom for a few, Spider-Man for a few, etc. In the final boss fight, you can switch between Spidey and Venom at will.

Like I said, it wasn't all that great. But the reason it rates is because I remember that it was while playing Maximum Carnage that I first had the urges - that I think probably a lot of regular video gamers had - that would later be realized in the form of the MMORPGs like World of Warcraft.

In Maximum Carnage a lot of different Marvel characters appeared. You couldn't control them like you could Spidey and Venom, but you could use them briefly. As the story of the game unfolded, characters like Black Cat, Captain America, and Moebius appeared. And while you couldn't control those characters, with the correct application of buttons, you could have one of them jump out on the screen briefly to kick some quick ass. If you were fighting trash, it would usually put them down for the count, and if you were fighting a boss it might take a nice chunk out of him.

I don't know why, but I remember thinking that it would SO cool if the Spider-Man I was controlling wasn't alone; that it would be awesome if he was in some kind of digital city somewhere on the Internet, and there would be tons of other people playing other super-heroes in that same city.

8. Nobunaga's Ambition



This was just a very cool strategy game. You play the part of a daimyo - a Japanese feudal lord - and your goal is to somehow conquer the rest of Japan, and you face the wills of something like 40 other automated daimyo. You had to micromanage the resources of your land, try to bribe skilled generals away from other daimyo, send your daughters to daimyo to help forge alliances, send ninja to assassinate rival daimyo, prepare for the frequent floods that could decimate your resources, etc. If you were willing to put the time into it, it was awesome.

I think I remember it so well for a few reasons. First, it was simply a challenging, enjoyable game. Second, it was one of the few historically based games I can remember playing that focused on something non-Western. Third and finally, it was the first war strategy game I played - before Civilization, Warcraft II, Starcraft, or Command & Conquer: Red Alert - that demanded strict micromanagement for success.

7. Spider-Man



Obviously, game developers can do things now with superhero games that blow this away, but Activision's early Spider-Man game for the Playstation was the first superhero game I ever played that really felt like it should've felt. Spidey had more range of action than he had ever had in his licensed games. As Spider-Man you could stick to walls, webswing across rooftops and rooms, drown bad guys in webbing, shoot little web pellets at bad guys, web up your fists to add some damage - you could even grab a guy with your web, pull him to you, and crack him across the chin in one quick move. Maybe pretty standard fare for games these days, but at the time it felt like someone had reinvented video games just for good ol' webhead. And if that wasn't enough, the game was narrated by Stan Lee, making it feel like an extended episode of Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends.

6. Final Fantasy X



It's tough to say much about this, because it will feel redundant when you get a bit further down the list to Final Fantasy VII. But I will say that, at least in part, this game was a close companion during some memorable times. I remember I played it pretty regularly when I moved into the first apartment I ever had on my own - a basement studio piece of shee-ite in downtown Albany. I remember that my TV was too old to play nice with my PS2, so the colors would keep fading in and out while I played.

5. Half-Life



Not the first first-person shooter I ever played (that honor belongs to Wolfenstein 3-D), but the first I ever owned. It would later introduce me to the online madness that was Team Fortress and Counterstrike. It would teach me that, in an online FPS, everything is gay to your opponents. Everything. Getting shot by them is gay. Shooting them is gay. Having sex with a member of the opposite sex? Yep. Still gay.

4. Ultima IV: Quest of the Avatar



I honestly had no idea what the fuck to make of this thing when my father first gave it to me. It was #4 in a series and I'd never played or even heard of parts 1, 2, or 3. But it was massive and epic and I loved it even though I could A) never survive a single dungeon or B) ever figure out what the fuck I was supposed to be doing.

3. Final Fantasy VII



I remember not only that it was George Carlin, but the exact joke, that first taught me the potential of comedy ("They're thinking about banning toy guns...AND THEY'RE GONNA KEEP THE FUCKIN' REAL ONES!!!"). I remember it was Peter David's writing on The Incredible Hulk that first taught me that comic books could be true art. And I remember it was Final Fantasy VII that taught me the potential of video games.

Back in Tampa, this game made me miss class. And I LIKED class. I had all writing courses for fuck's sake. I wasn't just addicted to this game. I cared about this game. I cared about its characters and its (insanely convoluted) story. It was emotional and uplifting and I never wanted it to end.

The game begins in a city run by a crooked corporation called Shin-Ra. The section that takes place in the city feels like an entire video game. It takes a LONG time. Unless you sit in front of your console for hours and hours and hours at a time, it will probably take you days. Maybe a week. Probably at least a week.

Then you leave the city. And you find out the city is maybe, what...1/10th of the game? Maybe less?

I'm not a macho guy. I will admit to things making me cry. The last story of Lone Wolf and Cub made me cry. To my neverending shame, Moulin Rouge made me cry. Fuck, the end of Bubba Ho-Tep made me cry a little bit.

A video game has never made me cry. But if a video game ever does make me cry, it will be Final Fantasy VII.

Or, if they ever come out with an onion-cutting simulator, maybe that.

2. World of Warcraft



Yeah, this whole list would be a big stinking lie without mentioning World of Warcraft now wouldn't it?

I'm not even sure what to say. I've spent so much time on WoW, and may very well again, I think it deserves its own list.

It's addictive. It's huge. It has a rich, Tolkien-esque history as its foundation. And dwarves are better than everyone else. Yes. EVERYONE.

1. Infocom



Okay, well the final entry here is a stretch for two reasons. First, Infocom was not a game. Infocom was a company that made games. It isn't around anymore. Second, Infocom's games were not, technically speaking, video games for the most part. At least, the Infocom games I'm talking about weren't video games. They were text adventure games.

That's right. Text adventure. No mouse. No joystick. You had to read a description, and tell the computer what to do by typing.

It could be frustrating. It was usually frustrating. You had to become a thesaurus. You could spend days telling the computer exactly what you wanted to do, and even if it was exactly what you were supposed to do, it didn't matter if you didn't use the right word - if say, for example, you told the game you wanted to "leap" but the game only recognized "jump." You would waste weeks going around mazes and either forgetting what direction your character was going in, or alternatively driving yourself insane by keeping track of every single twist and turn you made.

My father introduced me to Infocom by buying me The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (which I played long before I ever picked up the book) when I was in junior high. I was only able to finish it by buying the hint book from Infocom. They would send you this little book with hints written in invisible ink. And the booklet came with a highlighter. For every problem, you had to highlight each hint in order to be able to read it. The final hint would simply tell you exactly what to do in order to get past the problem. This way, if you just wanted hints and didn't want the whole thing spelled out for you, you refrained from highlighting everything.

The first Infocom game I finished without a hint book was Witness, a noirish whodunnit, and I practically wanted to throw a fucking party. The next - and the ONLY other I would solve without a hint book - was A Mind Forever Voyaging, which really wasn't a game so much as an interactive novel. There were problems to solve, but to a veteran Infocom player they were obvious. But it was no less enjoyable. In the game, you were a computer fooled into thinking you were a real person, and "awoken" in order to run simulations testing whether or not a radical new plan for the country would bring about a paradise or a disaster. The enjoyment of Voyaging didn't come from puzzle-solving, but simply exploring the rich texture of the worlds the developers created.

There were games I never won. I remember ordering the hint book to the whodunnit Deadline and having my envelope sent back to me with a stamp that indicated the company no longer existed. So Deadline, the desert adventure Infidel and the space thriller Starcross (a game for which I never even received the slightest clue as to what the fuck I was supposed to be doing) all went unsolved. I only finished the dungeon adventures Zork I and Zork II with the hint books. Zork III would remain a mystery. I never even got to buy Beyond Zork or Zork Zero before the company tanked.

I literally taught myself to type on Infocom's games. No bullshit. By the time I finished The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, I could type like I'd been doing data entry for years. Granted, I could only type with my index fingers, but still.

It's possible some of the games are still available online somewhere. I'm pretty sure some of them are. But I've never really bothered because I just don't think I could care as much about them now as I did then, and that makes me just a little sad.

Top 10 Completely Fucking Random Things I'm Considering Doing on my Birthday (Next Friday)

10. Using Beatles lyrics in conversations for no discernible reason.

MARYANN: Honey could you do me a favor and clean the litter box?

MICK: I GOT BLISTERS ON MY FINGERS!!!!!!!!!

MARYANN: ...

MICK: ...

MARYANN: I can't believe I moved for you.

MICK: I wanna hold your hand.


9. Choosing to like reggae. Just for a day.

8. Talking to the kids around the apartment complex to find out who the biggest asshole 11-14 year old kid is, stealing his bike, and using it to implicate him in at least two murders.

7. Having a dazzling, furious battle over the web of bridges separating Albany from Rennsselaer with a nigh-unbeatable cadre of lightsaber-wielding ninjas, me and the ninjas locking horns while leapfrogging car roofs, finally ending the battle by using my earth-shattering strength to snap one of the bridges in half, sending commuters and ninjas alike spinning towards the river, flying to the rescue of those commuters who were obeying the traffic laws during the battle, and finally hanging out in the nearest bar with the more attractive surviving commuters.

6. Beating up Iron Man



Drunk fuck.

5. Making a video for "Last Night" by The Strokes using only a Hulk action figure, a Barbie doll, and a toy wheelbarrow.

Just think about it, man. Think about it.

4. Using an Orlando Bloom mask to teach my new kitten Gimli to hate elves.

3. Coming up with a drinking game for the extended Lord of the Rings films, and seeing how long I can survive it.

2. Using Coldplay lyrics in conversations for no discernible reason.

MARYANN: Honey, could you do me a big favor and take out the garbage?

MICK: I used to rule the world.

MARYANN: ...

MICK: ...

MARYANN: Really honey, it's starting to stink.

MICK: We never change, do we?

MARYANN: We never change what?

MICK: No one ever said it'd be easy. No one ever said it would be this hard.

MARYANN: ...

MICK: ...

MARYANN: Funny hearing you of all people talking about things that are HARD.

MICK: ...

MARYAN: ...

MICK: That's cold.

1. Cake. Presents. Sex. Music. Beer. Party. Not in that order.

Top 10 Things I'm Going to Do on My Vacation (in 5 days)

10. Check out a few local comic shops I haven't been to before like Paragon Comics and Zombie Planet (the latter looks like it's more of a gaming shop than a comic shop, but that's okay).

9. Stop by Earthworld. I feel like I haven't been there in ages.

8. Stop by Aquilonia Comics to tell the guys to buy one of those stupid-big clocks from Flavor Flav so they can figure out it's the 21st century and get a frikkin' website already.

7. Make a dinner or two for my bay-bay.

6. Drive up to the building where I work, walk in, laugh loudly, and walk back out.

5. Beat up Iron Man.



Drunk fuck.

4. Go to some stupid park somewhere and sit by myself and be all like "Ooh, the splendor of fucking nature or whatever."

3. Write a letter to every United States senator. The catch? Each letter has to be different, but each has to begin with a line from a Mr. Bungle song. Like "Everyone I went to high school with is dead," or "It's not funny - my ass is on fire."

2. Go to a couple of those rich asshole towns in Massachusetts with my bay-bay so we can eat overpriced local food and do things that should be nouns, but have become verbs. Like "antiquing" and "summering."

1. Go somewhere like maybe Professor Java's with my laptop and write all day. I've never really done coffee shop writing. Mainly because I don't want to be a douchebag. But if I can get some writing done by being a douchebag, I'll be a douchebag. I won't wear berets or Mao hats or snap instead of clapping. I have my fucking limits. Douchebag.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Have Been A Self (& World) Loathing Curmudgeon...FOR A THOUSAND YEARS!!!!!!!

In the comments section of last Thursday's post, a good friend of mine accidentally revealed a secret about me:

"What, we had about 1000 years of Mick the self (& world) loathing curmudgeon and now this!?"

So now that the cat's out of the bag, I figured I should address the subject and explain to everyone exactly why I have been a self (& world) loathing curmudgeon............FOR A THOUSAND YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!


10. Lost a bet on the Battle of Hastings. Been dodging my bookie ever since.

9. Anne Rice got my story wrong. And I told them to get Belushi to play me in the movie. Dumbasses.

8. If you had to live forever and only got laid every 20 years or so, you'd be pissed too.

7. I miss my dinosaur ranch. There was nothing like throwing a saddle on a triceratops and riding into town with Jesus. As long as he was with me we never got stopped for speeding. But he was a firm believer in helmet laws.

6. As an immortal, I've met Jesus, George Washington, William Shakespeare, Confucius, and Abraham Lincoln. And you know what's depressing? They all thought The Fast and the Furious rocked. Can you believe that shit?

5. I missed The Gathering and that Highlander asshole has been calling me a pussy ever since. I mean, what the hell? I was supposed to BELIEVE they scheduled the greatest battle of all time in the fucking '80's? Whatever.



4. After 300 years of searching, after much blood and sweat and toil, after losing God knows how many friends and lovers to my obsession, I finally found Carmen Sandiego. And she is UHHH-UH-GLEE!

3. I suffered from a horrible curse. During the day, the love of my life was transformed into a hawk. And at night she became human and we could finally speak to each other, touch, kiss, and even make love. Unfortunately, at night I was transformed into Rutger Hauer. And she was disappointed with everything I'd done after The Hitcher, so she went down on Ferris Bueller instead.



2. Cleopatra lied to me. The rash never went away.

1. I am the last dragon.

(P.S. Love ya Jen!)

Top 10 Similarities Between Zombies and God

10. Zombies are always eating, in spite of the fact that one of their defining characteristics is that they're dead. God, it is said, also works in mysterious ways.

9. When God comes back He's going to destroy the world. So will zombies.

8. If you're some kind of voodoo priest or something, zombies are easy to control. You wouldn't think God would be easy to control, but considering that He changes what He wants from us based on the political hot topics of the time, I'd say it's debatable.

7. Zombies are creepy. So was George Burns.



6. Zombies eat people. God doesn't. But according to the Catholics, He wants YOU to eat His son. Every Sunday.

5. Zombies eat brains. God does not eat brains. However, He did expel Adam and Eve from Paradise for eating from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. So, as a general rule of thumb, letting either zombies or God know that you have a brain is a bad idea.

4. You can't kill God. You can't kill zombies either. They're already dead. You can stop them, but you can't technically kill them. And you can only stop them by taking off their heads. Same as with Highlander, but that's another list.

3. If you fuck in ways not pre-approved by your clergyman and/or local law enforcement, God will blow up your town. In the meantime, if God doesn't blow up your town, regardless of how you or your townspeople fuck, zombies are going to kill everyone in your town. Either way, your town is fucked. You should really consider moving.

2. There are movies about zombies. There are movies about God. The main difference is that Christians don't picket movies about zombies.

1. God is everywhere. Zombies are not everywhere. Until they are. Then you're fucked.

Top 10 Things I Appreciate

Taking the lead from my bay-bay, who started a blog yesterday...

10. The fact that no one's given me shit yet for not updating the blog for three days (not counting Saturday and Sunday - I figured by now you guys had gotten the idea that I wasn't going to update on weekends regardless).

9. My home. It's relatively safe, my landlords don't make me pay extra to throw away big stuff, there's an exercise room, a pool, and central air/heat. Oh, and my girlfriend is there too.

8. Comic books, superheroes, and various fantastical, fictional geek brainfood.

7. Diet Pepsi. Apparently, there are some bad things about it. Don't care. I'm dieting, I'm exercising, I quit smoking. I will allow myself a few Diet Pepsis/day, or I WILL kill you all. Kay? Kay.

6. My talent for writing. I'm not claiming I'm Updike, but it's something I can do well. And it gives me opportunities to express myself. And good grades. And helped me get laid a few...oh who am I kidding.

5. The fact that my weight, which has dogged me the better part of my life and which has been - at least in part - the source of many of my greatest woes is something that I can change, as difficult as that is to accomplish. I know there are people with physical difficulties that are beyond their control. Beyond, you know, becoming cyborgs.

4. My friends. Whatever. You're all cool and shit. You make my life blah blah blah. You get it. Whatever.

3. My family. Obviously, without them, I wouldn't exist. And my last name isn't "Fuchs" or "Jablome" or anything like that. And my mother and father have, with all their flaws, offered more opportunities for humor over the years than I can count.

2. My nephews. They're probably the closest thing I'll ever have to my own children. They fill me with so much love and joy that I honestly don't know how parents can even stand it - how they can stop themselves from just fainting every few minutes because of how wonderful their little shits are. Probably drugs. Yeah. Yeah. Now I'm thinking of my brother. Yeah. Definitely drugs.

1. My honey, my baby, my sweetness. She warms my heart. She inspires me. She makes me remember what it is to love and hope. And without her, my balls would hurt a lot more.

Top 10 Potential Titles For My Future Books

10. The World's Not Going to Blow Up or Anything Like That So Shut the Fuck Up: An Argument Against Your Stupid Beliefs by Michileen Martin

9. Oh, SNAP!: Why I'm Better than Crackle and Pop, and How I Beat Heroin Addiction! by Snap (ghost written by Michileen Martin)



8. Your Mother: She Sucks, Why She Sucks, What that Means, and the Battle of Vicksburg by Michileen Martin

7. I did NOT Kill Kurt Cobain, But I DID Have Sex With His Wife: A Random Sampling of 3,586 Seattle Males by Michileen Martin

6. The Morally Confusing Adventures of Kid Hitler by Michileen Martin

5. The Bible II: The B-Sides by Michileen Martin

4. Do You Assholes REALLY Think I'm REALLY Excited About All this Bullshit?: The Unauthorized Biography of Stan Lee by Michileen Martin



3. Glen Danzig: A Life by Michileen Martin

2. If It Doesn't Have Peanut Butter and/or Cheese, You're an Asshole: A Mick Martin Cookbook by Michileen Martin

1. Twilight by Stephen King (I'll fucking rake it in)

Top 10 Things I've Learned Walking For Exercise Every Day Around Downtown Albany For About 2 Weeks

10. I am surprised to learn I usually prefer to not listen to music while walking. if the rhythm of the music is too different from the rhythm of my breathing, it screws me up.

9. Regardless of the rhythmic issues, when walking in downtown Albany, it's a good idea to have something stuck in your ear so you can at least pretend to not hear all the people who are going to ask you for the free money you don't have.

8. It doesn't matter how appropriate it is for me to carry an umbrella during my walks. It doesn't matter if it looks like it's going to rain, feels like it's going to rain, smells like it's going to rain, all the appropriate "we know what the sky's doing" authorities have said it's going to rain, and it's already been an extra rainy summer. Doesn't matter. When I hold an umbrella, I feel like I should be plotting against Batman.



I...I'm not like other guys.

7. When I was a smoker and I walked down the street, it seemed like every person I passed on the sidewalk was a self-righteous non-smoker. Now that I don't smoke and am trying to exercise, it seems like every person I pass on the sidewalk is smoking a cigarette. I try to see it as penance.

6. Downtown Albany really smells like shit. Literally, it smells like a fucking litter box. Except when a bus pulls up next to me - then the whole world smells and tastes like what happens when Autobots eat too much chili.

5. The overall skankiness of female apparel for NY state workers seems to increase with age.

4. Being Spider-Man in Albany would suck. He could fight crime for two blocks, then he'd just have to stroll.

3. Gnawing pain in your legs, ankles, feet, and back make you a much more patient pedestrian at intersections.

2. Exercising every day makes me feel better. And yes, this IS new for me you condescending pricks. I didn't need to exercise before. I functioned on nicotine, sarcasm, gamma radiation and the simple fact that I wanted to have sex with 3/4 of the women I saw. But now. You know. I quit smoking.

1. I'm not done yet.

Top 10 Things I'm Pretty Sure Went Wrong With My Haircut Yesterday

10. I am fairly certain that my scalp was detached and replaced with the scalp of a much smaller man.

9. The hairdresser was so short that I had to slide down until my ass was hanging off the lip of the chair in order for her to reach the top of my head.

8. Those of you who see me on a regular basis may not know this, but I don't tend to have long hair because I like long hair. I tend to have long hair because I don't like getting my hair cut. I don't like getting my hair cut because the hairdresser or stylist or barber or whatever the fuck she wants to call herself (that isn't sexist, I only allow women to cut my hair...and THAT may in fact be sexist now that I think about it, but stating that it's a fact that the annoying person cutting my hair WILL be a woman isn't sexist) will feel it necessary to engage in banal, bullshit conversation. And I really hate chit chat. And know what makes it worse? When the hairdresser in question doesn't even bother trying to fake enough interest in the answers to her own bullshit questions to open her mouth when she speaks. Hey if you don't really want to know mmurr mooo my mive, then you don't have to fucking ASK mmurr mooo my mive. Stupid.

7. With short hair, I look like mafia muscle. I just do.

6. I gave her a tip. I hate having manners.

5. No reset button. WTF?

4. I forgot to get a shampoo for the free scalp massage. Okay, now I remember why I only let chicks cut my hair.

3. She didn't even try to get the cut hairs off my face. No brush, no nothing. I left the shop and went into Target looking like I ate out a werewolf.

2. No more Supercuts. I'm getting a regular hairdresser. I don't care how girly it feels doing that. Or how ape-ish it feels to admit it feels girly to get a regular hairdresser.

1. I don't know where all these gray hairs came from, but I'm willing to bet the lazy-mouthed dwarf who cut my hair with phone books strapped to her feet has something to do with it.

Top 10 Similarities Between Jesus and Spider-Man

10. Both have super powers.

9. Both wish they could live normal lives without their father figures guiding their every move.

8. Jesus got crucified. Spidey's still alive but he gets his ass kicked all the time. Especially when he fucks with the wrong people.



7. Both have issues with the concept of getting laid.

6. Jesus had apostles. Spidey has SpiderFan.org

5. Theaters were picketed for screening The Last Temptation of Christ. Theaters should have been picketed for screening Spider-Man 3.

4. They both fight vampires.





3. Jesus knew things about his future. He knew he would die for humanity and that one of his closest friends would betray him. Spider-Man has SPIDEY-SENSE!

2. Jesus had Pontius Pilate. Spidey has J. Jonah Jameson.

1. Don't say this out loud because certain people are very sensitive about it, but Spider-Man doesn't exist either.