Top 10 Stupid Things I Should Buy

I lost a lot of weight recently. As of last night's weigh-in, 57.4 pounds. A couple of weeks ago, I decided to introduce some material incentive - every 25 pounds I would give myself a Stupid Reward. Stupid Reward = something that has no practical value, outside its value as weight loss incentive, and something that probably costs more than I would normally spend for something impractical. While I hit the 50 pound mark a few weeks ago, today's paycheck marks the first day I can actually afford to reward myself for it. So...


10. Final Fantasy XIII


This was originally my top choice, but now I'm not so sure. I spent far too many hours on two of its predecessors - Final Fantasy VII and Final Fantasy X. Since foolishly selling off my Playstation 2, I have suffered a painful lack of Final Fantasy (a lack which would probably be best dramatized with lots of clenched faces, wild emotions, and annoying Japanese music), but I hear a lot of the things I loved about those previous games - an open, free-roaming world and lots of little towns with interactive non-player characters - have been stripped from this latest game.

9. Whores


8. Star Trek DVDs - They would be VERY impractical. I wouldn't even watch them.

7. Bookends - While talking to my lovely girlfriend this morning about my disappointment in what I've heard about #10, she suggested I spend the money on bookshelves, which I've been complaining about wanting for a while. I explained to her that the whole point of this reward was that it had NO practical value, whereas bookshelves would clearly be useful. It had to be something stupid that wouldn't improve my life in any real, lasting way. Like beer. Or religion.

If, on the other hand, I bought bookends while having no bookshelves on which to place them, that would be pretty cool. Then I could just sit and look at my expensive, shiny new bookends sitting on my desk and keeping nothing from falling down. Maybe they could even cause things to fall down. You know. If I threw them at someone dizzy or something.

6. Incredible Hulk Omnibus Vol. 1

This collects a whole heaping buttload of early Hulk appearances. But. Well. Don't tell him I told you or anything but, uh. Yeah. A lot of the writing in these early comics? Pretty dumb.

5. Playstation 2 - Then I could play Final Fantasy VII and Final Fantasy X all over again! Of course, I'd have to buy THEM too. Plus, I think there's some kind of law about how many video game consoles you're allowed to own before the state removes your testicles.

4. $75.00 worth of Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi - It might last me 4 whole days! No. More like 3. Yeah. 3.

Well, 2.

3. BioShock 2


You're a dude in a deep sea diving suit with chemically induced super-powers guiding mutated little girls through a city at the bottom of the ocean. This is so fucking ridiculous, I might have to buy two copies.

2. A whole shitload of albums by The Killers



The band I've recently decided to listen to over and over again until I'm sick of them. I love the lead singer's voice. I may have kind of a man-crush. Well, no. Not really. He just has a beautiful voice and face, but it's not a man-crush. Well, okay, I notice his lithe, sensual form but that's it. Okay. Maybe I'd kiss him a little.

1. Burger Phone