10. A little over a week after moving to Schenectady from East Greenbush, I haven't seen a single person wearing camouflage. Of course, that could just mean it's working.
9. When I cook things on the stove, the burner keeps the pots and pans level. When I make omelettes in the morning, I don't even have to tilt the pan to make it come out right. That just seems too easy.
8. Speaking of the stove, when I turn the burners on, fire comes out of them. That seems extreme.
7. In spite of all the noise about the great Italian eateries in Schenectady, I've been to at least four of them, used the restroom each time, and haven't found a single gun taped behind a single toilet.
6. I miss what I liked to call my Leopard-Baby Shower. See, our new bathroom is painted a very pleasant green. As evidenced by my old apartment, I prefer a shower ceiling so infested with mold it looks like the belly of a leopard. Then I can pretend my mama leopard is nursing me while I rinse and repeat.
5. What part of Schenectady are we in? North? South? I have no idea. East Greenbush made it very clear.
4. I don't know how the hell my girlfriend cleaned her clothes because I can't find the coin slots in the washer.
3. Our apartment's on the second floor, so we can actually leave our windows open without worrying about neighbors seeing us in our undergarments. How the hell am I supposed to sate my exhibitionist cravings now? I mean, I could run downstairs naked, but that's just bizarre.
2. In our last apartment I had an office. In our new apartment, I have an office, but so does my girlfriend. Which seems selfish.
1. Don't know when the people who are supposed to organize all my crap are going to show up, but they're goddamned LATE.
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