10. I have been surprised to find myself considering Seth Rogen a comic god. When the trailers and commercials for movies like Knocked Up and The 40 Year Old Virgin first surfaced, it all looked pretty much like Police Academy-level shite to me. But I have been converted. I think the best two things about Rogen's work are A) He knows how to be absolutely ruthless with his humor while surprisingly sweet at the same time, and B) He understands the humor of being stoned more than most screenwriters who have tried their hand at pot-humor. I never really found shit like Cheech & Chong or Half Baked funny because it never reminded me of what it's really like to be stoned, but Rogen's got it down.
9. I really miss World of Warcraft. I miss World of Warcraft so much I am willing to emphasize my pain with something I almost never use because I find it tacky and weak - A sad smiley.
:(
8. Hot women do not make all problems go away.
Today I had my teeth cleaned. And it hurt. A lot. My teeth are sensitive, and it probably doesn't help that I hadn't visited a dentist in a decade.
So, anyway, I'm sitting in the waiting room reading the last few pages of Infinite Jest. I'm hoping like Hell I don't get called in before I finish it because I only have 3 pages left. I'm expecting that my teeth-cleaner will be the same cranky old woman I dealt with earlier in the day (who had followed a "Just a second" with a louder, angrier "Just. A. SECOND!" even though I answered the first one with a conciliatory "No problem."). The door opens before I can finish the novel, and I look up and there's a pretty woman with short, black hair smiling at me like she's been waiting all day just to scrape shit out of my mouth. I happily closed the book, stuffed it in my backpack, and somehow managed to get the backpack's straps wrapped around my foot as I rose from the couch (they had a really nice couch).
And this hot little number hurt me like no woman has ever hurt me before - in my fucking mouth. Nothing helped. I'm not a pig, so I try not to undress women with my eyes, and during the cleaning I kept looking away from her since it was already kind of awkward with her all in my face and her fingers in my mouth. But every now and then, when the pain was really bad, I thought to myself, "Just go ahead and look at her eyes (she had really pretty eyes) and it'll help," and you know what? It didn't fucking help. It didn't help because she was sticking sharp metal shit in my mouth and it fucking hurt in a real Guantanamo kind of way. And even when she rolled her chair behind me and kind of cupped my chin in her gloved hands, and I thought for a moment it was somehow a very relaxing and comforting feeling, it didn't really take anything away from my teeth feeling like they'd woken up from a decade-long coma to find they were being sodomized by a robot.
Hot women - you do NOT always help (except for MY hot woman, who always helps).
7. I joined a food co-op last night with my lovely girlfriend. They're all about collective action, collective bargaining, eating healthy, shopping locally, saving the Earth, and all that stuff. In order to get a 26% discount, I'm going to be working there two hours a week. I am deathly afraid of this. Not because of the extra work, but because I'm afraid that they're going to find me out, throw a net over me, and take me to a you-should-only-watch-foreign-films re-education camp.
Here is something a woman said to me as we chit-chatted before the meeting started:
"Yeah, that was back when I was still eating macaroni that came out of BOXES!
Apparently, now she grows it in her backyard using locally-shat Italian fertilizer.
6. In my experience, dental assistants are, percentage-wise, hotter than nurses. Which is strange. You don't see many sexy shops selling hot dental assistant outfits, but hot nurse outfits sell better than ipods. Maybe this is because nurses need the accentuation more. Or, more likely, it has something to do with #8.
5. Okay, now I just thought of something really disturbing.
My ex-girlfriend was heavy into S&M. While I was with her, I learned more about the world of fetish than I ever wanted to. There's the asphyxiation nuts and the scat nuts and the pee nuts (heh). There's the furries and the people who like fire play or PIERCING play. There are black submissives who want their doms to act like slave-owners and Jewish submissives who want their doms to act like Nazi interrogators.
I wonder if there's dental play.
4. Oh yeah, speaking of dental insanity - I mentioned the cleaning hurt. Like, a lot. The dental assistant was trying to be very nice about this, said she felt bad for me, and told me if something hurt to just tell her and she would stop for a second.
I opted, after she told me this, to ignore her advice and to continue doing what I had been doing up to that point - flinching and wincing in immense pain. Because whenever she hit a particularly sensitive spot, it happened to occur at the same moment she had a loud, metal cleaning thing, a loud, plastic suction thing, and her fingers in my FAH-KING MOUTH!
3. I made an important decision today - it was something of a Mick-principle creating moment.
One of the main reasons I've been avoiding the dentist is because my dental coverage sucks. My dental insurance pays for 100% of preventative care (the cleaning was all covered for example), but for the rest of it they throw you maybe a couple of bucks and mainly just laugh at you. I'm going to need two separate appointments to have cavities filled, the first one is Monday, and that's going to cost me over $120. In the meantime, I'm being referred to a Root Canal Specialist, because the tooth from which my toothache is emanating (the pain that inspired the long-avoided dentist visit) is the one in which I needed a root canal about 10 years ago, and the dentist I went to today won't do root canals or have anything to do with root canaled teeth. I don't know what the Root Canal Specialist will want to do, much less how much it will cost. So, right now we're looking at $240 plus who-fucking-knows-how-much.
At the same time, my ongoing quest to quit smoking keeps slipping. I try again and again, and eventually I get to the point where I feel like I won't make it through the day without a smoke. So, I'm going to make an appointment with my primary to try to get a prescription for Chantix. And if that doesn't work, I'll go to a hypnotist. In fact, I may do both regardless. And I have no idea whether or not my insurance carrier will cover any of the cost.
I don't care. Today I decided my health comes first. Everything else will have to suffer. I have spent longer than I'd like to admit ignoring health issues because of the cost. My landlord will have to deal with late checks. My other bills may have to suffer too. Living in physical pain sucks serious balls.
2. After close to 6 months with my girlfriend, things just keep getting better and better. I love her more, I want her more. This isn't something I've experienced a lot.
1. Most comic book geeks like the "street-level" super-heroes better. Batman, Spider-Man, Daredevil, guys like that. Whereas I've always been partial to the big, mythic, uber-powerful guys like the Hulk.
Other comic book geeks - your heroes make more bank, but mine can still kick their asses.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Top 10 Reasons Why I Changed The URL for List SMASH!
10. Because I love my boss, mainly because he never, ever, ever, ever, EVER googles my name online to find out what I'm saying.
9. There are enough things in my life that are too short. I didn't want the url to be one of them.
8. Otherwise, the terrorists would win.
7. Glen Danzig.
6. I figured I'd free up the original URL in case anyone wanted to blog about how cool List SMASH! is. Maybe some List SMASH! fan art. List SMASH! fan fiction. Or just porn.
5. It was all in the spirit of President Barack Obama's Change Initiative. I figured if he offers any tax refund economic stimulus checks, I might be able to squirrel two out of the handsome bastard.
4. I don't need to explain my changes to YOU! I'm not your fucking monkey! I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING MONKEY!
3. I have a mean toothache. Not relevant at all. But sympathy BJs will not be turned down.
2. I just watched No Country for Old Men, and I don't want that freaky bastard to find me.
1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds.
9. There are enough things in my life that are too short. I didn't want the url to be one of them.
8. Otherwise, the terrorists would win.
7. Glen Danzig.
6. I figured I'd free up the original URL in case anyone wanted to blog about how cool List SMASH! is. Maybe some List SMASH! fan art. List SMASH! fan fiction. Or just porn.
5. It was all in the spirit of President Barack Obama's Change Initiative. I figured if he offers any tax refund economic stimulus checks, I might be able to squirrel two out of the handsome bastard.
4. I don't need to explain my changes to YOU! I'm not your fucking monkey! I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING MONKEY!
3. I have a mean toothache. Not relevant at all. But sympathy BJs will not be turned down.
2. I just watched No Country for Old Men, and I don't want that freaky bastard to find me.
1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Top 10 Impressions of 2009 So Far
10. It's fah-king COLD!
9. I think this is the year that I can finally afford an archenemy.
8. My nose is runny.
7. In 2009, people drive like 'tards.
6. Glen Danzig.
5. I'm turning 35 this year. I think I'm pretty much over the fact that I'm getting older. My girlfriend and I went to a mall yesterday, and I mentioned to her how weird it is going to malls because these days it's pretty much the only time I ever see that many teenagers. And they all look REALLY stupid. I'm happy to be my age.
4. Two thousand and nine? I don't know about that. What about 69?!?! OH YEAH! HI-FIVE!
6. I haven't been to my apartment since last year. I wonder if my toilet will remember me.
2. Today is only the second day of 2009, and I've already had sex twice this year. And that pretty much beats out all my teenage years. Yeah, I really have no problem getting older.
1. When the fuck are we getting this new president already? Christ. It's been, like, two days. I think if they don't inaugurate him within 30 minutes, we should get it for free.
9. I think this is the year that I can finally afford an archenemy.
8. My nose is runny.
7. In 2009, people drive like 'tards.
6. Glen Danzig.
5. I'm turning 35 this year. I think I'm pretty much over the fact that I'm getting older. My girlfriend and I went to a mall yesterday, and I mentioned to her how weird it is going to malls because these days it's pretty much the only time I ever see that many teenagers. And they all look REALLY stupid. I'm happy to be my age.
4. Two thousand and nine? I don't know about that. What about 69?!?! OH YEAH! HI-FIVE!
6. I haven't been to my apartment since last year. I wonder if my toilet will remember me.
2. Today is only the second day of 2009, and I've already had sex twice this year. And that pretty much beats out all my teenage years. Yeah, I really have no problem getting older.
1. When the fuck are we getting this new president already? Christ. It's been, like, two days. I think if they don't inaugurate him within 30 minutes, we should get it for free.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Top 10 Things I'm Looking Forward To In 2009 This Year
10. Eventually buying a new computer. I miss killing shit on Azeroth. World of Warcraft, one day we will be together again. One day...
9. Obama. I don't think Obama will magically make all our problems disappear. I don't know that he'll make any of our problems disappear, period. But I'm just looking forward to NOT knowing what's going to happen. With Bush/Cheney, it's been relatively predictable. The correct answer to "What are they going to do about _____?" has pretty consistently been, "They're going to bend us over and fuck us in the ass with a rusty tire iron. On fire." I do not believe in Obama's infallibility or sainthood. I believe he will, simply by the fact that he's a politician, at least occasionally go for the same option. I just think sometimes he might take us out to dinner first. Maybe use some lube. Grunt the right name. That kind of thing.
8. Seeing how many of my predictions from yesterday's post actually turn out to be accurate.
7. Correcting other people who keep mistakenly referring to the current year as "2008." It's the kind of slip-up everyone experiences usually at least once or twice in the first month, but I tend to be pretty good at avoiding it.
6. WE GET AN EXTRA SECOND! WOO HOO! I'm gonna use mine to finish this sent
5. Applying to be one of the guys who gets to go on that trip to Jupiter the following year. Hal won't fuck with me. I'm big.
4. Another year of Public Radio. Yay! Imagine it, a whole YEAR of Garrison Keillor. It's like Heaven. If Heaven talked really slowly and read incredibly inappropriate poems in a voice too academic for their dirtiness.
3. One more year when I MIGHT just go to the comic con/nerd prom in San Diego. Probably not. But maybe.
2. Do you have any idea how many bottles of Diet Pepsi PepsiCo can pump out in a year?
1. Moving in with my girlfriend. Barring any evictions, it won't happen until June, and I can hardly wait. If I could figure out a way to sneak out of my lease before then without any negative consequences, I'd do it. Faking my own death is an option, but I only like to do that once per year, so I should save it.
9. Obama. I don't think Obama will magically make all our problems disappear. I don't know that he'll make any of our problems disappear, period. But I'm just looking forward to NOT knowing what's going to happen. With Bush/Cheney, it's been relatively predictable. The correct answer to "What are they going to do about _____?" has pretty consistently been, "They're going to bend us over and fuck us in the ass with a rusty tire iron. On fire." I do not believe in Obama's infallibility or sainthood. I believe he will, simply by the fact that he's a politician, at least occasionally go for the same option. I just think sometimes he might take us out to dinner first. Maybe use some lube. Grunt the right name. That kind of thing.
8. Seeing how many of my predictions from yesterday's post actually turn out to be accurate.
7. Correcting other people who keep mistakenly referring to the current year as "2008." It's the kind of slip-up everyone experiences usually at least once or twice in the first month, but I tend to be pretty good at avoiding it.
6. WE GET AN EXTRA SECOND! WOO HOO! I'm gonna use mine to finish this sent
5. Applying to be one of the guys who gets to go on that trip to Jupiter the following year. Hal won't fuck with me. I'm big.
4. Another year of Public Radio. Yay! Imagine it, a whole YEAR of Garrison Keillor. It's like Heaven. If Heaven talked really slowly and read incredibly inappropriate poems in a voice too academic for their dirtiness.
3. One more year when I MIGHT just go to the comic con/nerd prom in San Diego. Probably not. But maybe.
2. Do you have any idea how many bottles of Diet Pepsi PepsiCo can pump out in a year?
1. Moving in with my girlfriend. Barring any evictions, it won't happen until June, and I can hardly wait. If I could figure out a way to sneak out of my lease before then without any negative consequences, I'd do it. Faking my own death is an option, but I only like to do that once per year, so I should save it.
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