Top 10 Geek Tribes I Gladly Name My Enemy

10. Trekkies.

9. Dorks who dress like vampires.

8. Star Wars nuts.

7. Anyone who speaks only or primarily in geek movie/tv quotes. Sorry my fellow geeks, but remembering witty quotes someone else wrote/spoke doesn't make you witty. It's okay to be a geek while simultaneously rousing up original thoughts. It's okay. Give it a try. Yeah, yeah, I saw The Holy Grail too. Yeah, yeah, shrubbery, you're being repressed, bring out your dead, it's just a flesh wound, ha ha, you're so clever, JESUS!!!! GO HAVE SEX!

6. I have a very funny thing I say occasionally. 'Cause I'm all funny. And I came up with it myself (please see reason #7 for the importance of this). I will, when the subject of weed arises, say that I no longer smoke it because, "Smoking weed is just like watching Jeopardy. You just sit on your couch and feel stupid." Always. Always. ALWAYS some shitknuckle fuckwagon of geek responds with, "Well, I usually know the answers on Jeopardy." No. No you don't. Not unless the answer is "What is...I'm a fucking liar! And a virgin!" If you usually knew the answers you would go on the fucking show and make a bunch of fucking money so you could buy more fucking Half-Elf Magic-User miniatures. Stop interrupting my funny to stroke your skull-cock!

5. Furries. Just stop it guys. Just stop it. I'm a pretty open-minded guy, but just stop it. Do something less disturbing. Like, pee on each other or something. But just stop it with the furries. Please. Stop it. CSI doesn't need that many story ideas.

4. Comic book geeks who think their favorite super-hero can beat up the Hulk. He can't. And you know it. This isn't just a competitive thing. I'm a literary motherfucker. I appreciate character. And one of the primary things that defines the Hulk's character is that he's better than everybody. It's true. Umberto Eco even wrote about it. And Roland Barthes. And that other guy. Seriously.

3. Thor fans. We all know Marvel's never going to let the Hulk kick Thor's ass like he should. So I say we settle this in a civilized manner. I'll get my Hulk-brothers together, and you get your hammer-hippy fans together, and we'll go to a vacant lot for a knife fight.

2. Geeks who live in their mother's basement and make fun of other geeks who live in their mothers' basements because they live in their mothers' basements. First of all, why is it always the mother's basement? What happened to the Dad? Second of all, your self-loathing annoys me.

1. Mall-walkers. My suicide monkey squads are taking you motherfuckers OUT.