10. Trekkies.
9. Dorks who dress like vampires.
8. Star Wars nuts.
7. Anyone who speaks only or primarily in geek movie/tv quotes. Sorry my fellow geeks, but remembering witty quotes someone else wrote/spoke doesn't make you witty. It's okay to be a geek while simultaneously rousing up original thoughts. It's okay. Give it a try. Yeah, yeah, I saw The Holy Grail too. Yeah, yeah, shrubbery, you're being repressed, bring out your dead, it's just a flesh wound, ha ha, you're so clever, JESUS!!!! GO HAVE SEX!
6. I have a very funny thing I say occasionally. 'Cause I'm all funny. And I came up with it myself (please see reason #7 for the importance of this). I will, when the subject of weed arises, say that I no longer smoke it because, "Smoking weed is just like watching Jeopardy. You just sit on your couch and feel stupid." Always. Always. ALWAYS some shitknuckle fuckwagon of geek responds with, "Well, I usually know the answers on Jeopardy." No. No you don't. Not unless the answer is "What is...I'm a fucking liar! And a virgin!" If you usually knew the answers you would go on the fucking show and make a bunch of fucking money so you could buy more fucking Half-Elf Magic-User miniatures. Stop interrupting my funny to stroke your skull-cock!
5. Furries. Just stop it guys. Just stop it. I'm a pretty open-minded guy, but just stop it. Do something less disturbing. Like, pee on each other or something. But just stop it with the furries. Please. Stop it. CSI doesn't need that many story ideas.
4. Comic book geeks who think their favorite super-hero can beat up the Hulk. He can't. And you know it. This isn't just a competitive thing. I'm a literary motherfucker. I appreciate character. And one of the primary things that defines the Hulk's character is that he's better than everybody. It's true. Umberto Eco even wrote about it. And Roland Barthes. And that other guy. Seriously.
3. Thor fans. We all know Marvel's never going to let the Hulk kick Thor's ass like he should. So I say we settle this in a civilized manner. I'll get my Hulk-brothers together, and you get your hammer-hippy fans together, and we'll go to a vacant lot for a knife fight.
2. Geeks who live in their mother's basement and make fun of other geeks who live in their mothers' basements because they live in their mothers' basements. First of all, why is it always the mother's basement? What happened to the Dad? Second of all, your self-loathing annoys me.
1. Mall-walkers. My suicide monkey squads are taking you motherfuckers OUT.
4 comments:
Right there with you on these, especially the quote monsters... except on the furry score. One of the closest friends I got opened me up to that. The only thing that pesters me about them isn't really ABOUT them, but because of the taboos associated with it, furry communities have a tendency to also attract other marginilized fetishists who, for me, really do cross some lines of taste or even morality :P
Oh yeah, I was half-joking with that one. Sexually speaking I have no problem with what anyone does as long as everyone involved is consenting and it has nothing to do with children, animals, or dead people.
But I won't lie, the furry thing does bother me, but it bothers me in a no-way-in-hell-am-I-going-there and please-do-it-in-private-way-the-hell-over-there kind of way. Not in a call-my-congressmen kind of way. It bothers me as much as scat (the sexual practice AND jazz scat), and I think that's mainly because obviously people dressing up as furry animals brings thoughts of children to mind, and also because people dressed as furry animals are pretty disturbing even without animals attached. At least they always will be to me after watching Donnie Darko and probably a few other films I'm forgetting.
But, yeah, I don't REALLY consider them my enemy. I guess I think of the practice as, I don't know, the same way the Incredible Hulk thinks of Dr. Who. Don't care what you're doing, though it would definitely annoy me if you did it around me, but we will probably not have any reason to be near each other at least not while you're doing your thing, so just do it while you're over there and I'm over here and beating up Iron Man.
Just to clarify, just reread what I wrote there. When I wrote "and also because people dressed as furry animals are pretty disturbing even without animals attached" I meant to write "and also because people dressed as furry animals are pretty disturbing even without SEX attached."
Which makes more sense, since furry animals obviously are always going to have something to do with animals.
THAT I totally get. And though I've never gotten off my ass and seen Donnie Darko, having seen a preview for it that freaked me the hell out, I get that side of it too. The Dr. Who and Hulk thing is well chosen, not only because of how messed up Dr. Who is in general, but because I'm trying to imagine how on earth they would come together. What If comics has done some bizarre shit over the years, but I mean... so either the Doctor sees him coming, blinks, doesn't bother trying to figure it out and just sonic screwdrivers him into a star that hasn't yet been born, or Hulk breaks the tardis like a twig and there goes everything we've ever known ever XD
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