Top 10 Reasons Why The Incredible Hulk Should Have Been In Lord of the Rings

10. Hulk jumps = much shorter trip to Mordor.

9. Hulk vs. Sauron. Hulk wins.

8. The siege of Gondor. Hulk has shrugged off bullets, tank shells, missiles, and nuclear blasts. I don't think a bunch of swords and spears and punk rock elephants would've posed much of a challenge.

7. Hulk vs. Balrog. Hulk wins.

6. Hulk is cool. Dwarves are cool. Dwarves and Hulk would totally get along. So the orcs and the balrog would never have taken over Moria because the Hulk would've smashed them all. The Fellowship would've arrived at Moria to much alcohol and meat. And advances from short women with beards. Problem solved. Though dwarf syphilis would run rampant.

5. Would give the Hulk another chance to beat the shit out of Iron Man. This would not have helped the Fellowship, but I would've enjoyed it.

4. Hulk vs. Legolas. Hulk wins. Shield-surfing scene never happens.

3. Hulk could've brought along She-Hulk, which would've helped stem all the gay jokes about the sausage party Fellowship.

2. Hulk would've smashed the ship that brought Gandalf, the elves, and Frodo to the Grey Havens. Then he would've realized this would mean he'd have to hang out with the elves more. Then he would've smashed the elves. The lack of elves would cancel Christmas, which would do away with a capitalist holiday that causes more harm than good.

1. The Ring corrupts through the promise of power. If you gave The Ring to Hulk, it would be like using casual sex to tempt a rock star. The Hulk is already the strongest one there is, and so the Ring would have no effect.

Top 10 Songs You Didn't Know Were Really About The Incredible Hulk

10. "Sad But True" by Metallica

9. "Only" by Nine Inch Nails

8. "Drain You" by Nirvana

7. "I'll Be You" by The Replacements

6. "Burn" by Nine Inch Nails

5. "Show Me How To Live" by Audioslave

4. "Had A Dad" by Jane's Addiction

3. "Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit

2. "It's Not Easy Bein' Green" by Kermit the Frog

1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds

Top 10 Reasons Why Hulk Is Better Than Batman

10. Hulk could totally kick his ass. Like, easily.

9. Batman's movies, generally speaking, are better. Sell-out little bitch.

8. Writing Batman is easy. He's much more versatile than Hulk. You can put him in a kung-fu epic, a noir mystery, or a horror story. You can have him fight super-villains, crack dealers, vampires, robots, cavemen, ninja, whatever. And just by the very fact that he has a fake name and wears a funny outfit, when all else fails you can throw him into your regular old intergalactic cosmic hero-fest. The Hulk, on the other hand, takes a more skilled scribe to keep interesting month after month. He just gets mad and break stuff. And yet there he is, in movies, television, books, and comics.

7. Hulk did this:


6. Sidekick relations. First of all, Batman needs a lot more help than Hulk. He's had four Robins, Bat-Girl, Oracle, and Spoiler not to mention all the folks who technically aren't sidekicks but really are like Catwoman, Nightwing, and Azrael. Hulk's had Rick Jones and Jim Wilson. And they weren't sidekicks in the sense that they helped him fight. Just, you know, when he turned back into Banner they got him clothes and stuff. Plus, the Hulk is so cool that Rick and Jim didn't even bother to change their real names or wear dumb costumes. Oh yeah, and Hulk loaned out Rick to Captain America, Captain Marvel, and even that lame ass Rom the Spaceknight. Batman would never let Superman or Aquaman have Robin for a week (too jealous).

5. Batman's a whiteboy.

4. Batman spends a good deal of time and resources figuring out clever ways to take out his fellow super-heroes just in case he ever has to. Hulk just punches them. A lot.

3. Hulk declared war on Earth. Batman would never declare war on Earth. He would just spend 10 years covertly taking everything over and never letting anyone know he's pulling the strings. Wimp.

2. Hulk's parents are dead too. You don't hear him whining about it all the time.

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Top 10 Reasons Why Bruce Banner's Pants Don't Come Off When He Transforms Into The Incredible Hulk

10. Elastic waistbands. Wal-Mart has some sweet deals, dude.

9. How many pairs of purple pants have you seen? Those suckers are tough to replace. He doesn't have much of a costume, but goddammit, he needs to protect what he has.

8. He's got a tattoo on his left ass-cheek. He usually isn't embarrassed about stuff like that, but it's of Superman's "S" logo. Moral of the story - don't ever pass out drunk with Jon Bon Jovi after trashing Newark. He's a motherfucker.

7. Tan lines.

6. Sometimes, they do come off, but he wears a second pair of pants under his first pair. Hulk no like going commando.

5. Strength of will.

4. Double stitches.

3. Unstable molecules. What? Everyone accepts that bullshit when the Fantastic Four says it. Racist.

2. Some people thinks he dyes his hair. He likes to to maintain some mystery.

1. If his pants came off, there'd be a big green cock flapping around everywhere. Excelsior!

Top 10 Reason Why Hulk Would Kick Superman's Ass

10. Superman is really, really strong. He's a lot stronger than Hulk at first. But the more fun that's being had, the stronger Hulk gets. And he just keeps getting stronger and stronger and stronger without any limitations, until he eventually surpasses Supes in strength and durability. Superman is unquestionably the alpha male of the super-hero world, but unlike Hulk he has limits. Superman is an incredibly massive dildo. He makes everyone look inadequate, and he's usually got more than enough girth to do the job. But he can't get any bigger no matter how many batteries you throw in him. The Hulk, on the other hand, is Pinnochio's cock, if Pinnochio's cock got bigger when he lied instead of his nose, and if Pinnochio were the President of the United States.

9. The usual arguments from Superman fans on a Superman vs. Hulk debate are littered with examples of their favorite boy scout using murderous tactics against the Hulkster. They say he could throw the Hulk into the Sun or he could shoot his heat beams through the Hulk's ear and fry his brain. This is a good example of why most people who engage in this superhero vs. that superhero debates are fucking morons. They never take character into consideration. They consider only what the heroes can do, not what they would do, and I guarantee you Superman would never use any tactic against the Hulk that he thought might kill him. This is precisely why Hulk would win. The only way for Superman to beat the Hulk is if he unleashes everything he can onto the Hulk right off the bat. If he goes whole hog, without pulling any punches, he can take the Hulk down. But he NEVER does that. Too much risk of killing his enemy, too much risk of hurting innocent bystanders. The Hulk, on the other hand, cares as much about his enemies and innocent bystanders as I care about the longevity of musical theater as an art form. Which is to say not.

8. If Jimmy Olson tried to call in the Justice League to help, Rick Jones would totally kick his ass. And steal his signal watch. And pawn it for a guitar.

7. Step 1 - Kidnap Lois, Step 2 - Threaten to break Lois's neck until Superman punches himself in the face as hard as he can until he's unconscious, Step 3 - Profit.

6. Superman is a white boy.

5. Batman would give Hulk pointers.

4. Animals love Hulk. Krypto would mutiny.

3. Ed Norton > Brandon Routh. Who's Brandon Routh, you ask? Exactly.

2. Ever hear of that big comic book event a while back called The Death of the Hulk? No? Yeah, that's because it was called The Death of Superman. Wimp.

1. Hulk is the strongest one there is.