Top 10 Things I'm Going to Do on My Vacation (in 5 days)

10. Check out a few local comic shops I haven't been to before like Paragon Comics and Zombie Planet (the latter looks like it's more of a gaming shop than a comic shop, but that's okay).

9. Stop by Earthworld. I feel like I haven't been there in ages.

8. Stop by Aquilonia Comics to tell the guys to buy one of those stupid-big clocks from Flavor Flav so they can figure out it's the 21st century and get a frikkin' website already.

7. Make a dinner or two for my bay-bay.

6. Drive up to the building where I work, walk in, laugh loudly, and walk back out.

5. Beat up Iron Man.



Drunk fuck.

4. Go to some stupid park somewhere and sit by myself and be all like "Ooh, the splendor of fucking nature or whatever."

3. Write a letter to every United States senator. The catch? Each letter has to be different, but each has to begin with a line from a Mr. Bungle song. Like "Everyone I went to high school with is dead," or "It's not funny - my ass is on fire."

2. Go to a couple of those rich asshole towns in Massachusetts with my bay-bay so we can eat overpriced local food and do things that should be nouns, but have become verbs. Like "antiquing" and "summering."

1. Go somewhere like maybe Professor Java's with my laptop and write all day. I've never really done coffee shop writing. Mainly because I don't want to be a douchebag. But if I can get some writing done by being a douchebag, I'll be a douchebag. I won't wear berets or Mao hats or snap instead of clapping. I have my fucking limits. Douchebag.

Top 10 Things I Appreciate

Taking the lead from my bay-bay, who started a blog yesterday...

10. The fact that no one's given me shit yet for not updating the blog for three days (not counting Saturday and Sunday - I figured by now you guys had gotten the idea that I wasn't going to update on weekends regardless).

9. My home. It's relatively safe, my landlords don't make me pay extra to throw away big stuff, there's an exercise room, a pool, and central air/heat. Oh, and my girlfriend is there too.

8. Comic books, superheroes, and various fantastical, fictional geek brainfood.

7. Diet Pepsi. Apparently, there are some bad things about it. Don't care. I'm dieting, I'm exercising, I quit smoking. I will allow myself a few Diet Pepsis/day, or I WILL kill you all. Kay? Kay.

6. My talent for writing. I'm not claiming I'm Updike, but it's something I can do well. And it gives me opportunities to express myself. And good grades. And helped me get laid a few...oh who am I kidding.

5. The fact that my weight, which has dogged me the better part of my life and which has been - at least in part - the source of many of my greatest woes is something that I can change, as difficult as that is to accomplish. I know there are people with physical difficulties that are beyond their control. Beyond, you know, becoming cyborgs.

4. My friends. Whatever. You're all cool and shit. You make my life blah blah blah. You get it. Whatever.

3. My family. Obviously, without them, I wouldn't exist. And my last name isn't "Fuchs" or "Jablome" or anything like that. And my mother and father have, with all their flaws, offered more opportunities for humor over the years than I can count.

2. My nephews. They're probably the closest thing I'll ever have to my own children. They fill me with so much love and joy that I honestly don't know how parents can even stand it - how they can stop themselves from just fainting every few minutes because of how wonderful their little shits are. Probably drugs. Yeah. Yeah. Now I'm thinking of my brother. Yeah. Definitely drugs.

1. My honey, my baby, my sweetness. She warms my heart. She inspires me. She makes me remember what it is to love and hope. And without her, my balls would hurt a lot more.

Mick's Top 10 Prejudices

10. People from Long Island - It seems to me that Long Islanders are the horrible fucks they are largely because of geography. Whether or not they want to admit it, they essentially live in a really big suburb of New York City. So, what you've got are a bunch of sheltered, spoiled little brats who are just as sheltered and spoiled as any other suburban. But, their close proximity to the Big Apple makes them think they're actually tough, hardened-yet-artistic metropolitans. When they blast Jay-Z out of their Iroc trans ams, they actually think they appear progressive and complex. Unlike most suburban shits - who are just as clueless for a while but eventually at some post-high-school moment will be able to admit to themselves that "Twin Brook Lane" didn't really rate as the ghetto - this closeness to NYC renders Long Islanders a bunch of thick-headed fucks who should be led off a cliff and set on fire. Oh, and they fuck with vowels too.

9. Zombies - I don't like them. I don't like their movies. I won't support their causes. Anyone who eats other people is bad. Call me narrow-minded, but I'm allowed to harbor a truism here and there, and I choose to make one of them "anyone who eats other people is bad."

8. Rich liberals - Apparently once you've made enough money, believing in equality for all Americans, believing that one of the government's roles is to protect us from Satannic corporations (i.e. all corporations), and occasionally considering that there might be a problem that could be solved by doing something other than murdering non-white people, evolves into spending long hours in antique stores without buying anything, listening to the most horrible fucking folk music in the world, driving to other states just to take pictures of foliage and covered bridges, and most importantly showing your dedication to civil rights by moving somewhere where you'll never have to see black people again.

7. The Decepticons - What? You think you're hot shit just because you can fly? Captain Caveman can fly, asshole. Just cut the shit.

6. Any white American who strokes their European ancestry - You're not Italian. You're not Irish. You're American. I'm not saying you should be happy about this. I'm saying it's what is. Drinking lots of Guinness and preaching to other people how they should drink Guinness does not, in fact, make you more Irish. Especially since from what I hear, the Irish are mainly drinking cheap American pisswater these days. So put your stupid hats away and stop pretending you have culture and tradition where there is none.

5. People who actually leave comments in response to the pictures at icanhascheezburger.com. Don't get me wrong, I like the site, but...whoa. Just read a response thread or two. It's more disturbing than a barn sex site. These people should be born with restraining orders ready to be filed against them.

4. People who get their chocolate in my peanut butter - Get your chocolate out of my peanut butter and I'll get my peanut butter out of your chocolate. Otherwise fuck you AND the peace roadmap.

3. The people at my health food co-op (a subgroup of #8) - First of all, I didn't need to know what ghee was, now I do, and I'm not happy about it. Second of all, here's a funny thought. When you're shopping for food in a place so small that it's nothing but one big pedestrian traffic jam, huddling together in groups of five to munch on expensive cheese samples and talk about where you're "summering" this year, might be STUPID. Third, the food is reasonably priced, it really is worth that much, and I still believe in Santa. I mean Jesus.

2. Atlanteans - listen, I've read the Bible. Well, actually, like everyone else who says they've read the Bible, I haven't read the Bible but I have read the important parts. Well, no, like everyone else who says they've read the Bible, I've had the important parts read to me. And because of that, I know if you really did exist and your city really did sink, it was probably because you were fucking in wrong ways. Which is totally fine, but it isn't like you didn't expect it. Also, Hulk can totally kick Namor's ass. Aquaman's too.

1. People who whistle in public - It's annoying. It's not pleasant. Buy an ipod and shut up.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Never Finish What I Start

10. I get bored.

9. I get hungry.

8. The crushing futility of the human experience bears all its weight down upon me and all I can do is think "Who gives a fuck?"

7. I see something shiny.

6. Low self-esteem

5. Eventually it stops being about me, at which point I no longer care.

4. The proud dwarven city of Ironforge needs its proud champion.

3. Glen Danzig.

2. Porn.

1.

Top 10 Surprising Things About Quitting Smoking

(Quick background – Between the time I stopped blogging and now, I quit smoking and all nicotine supplements. Today is my 88th day without nicotine.)

10. Cold Turkey really is the only way to go. I tried for months and months with the nicotine gum. Ended up getting addicted to the gum. Seriously. My favorite was the “Fruit Chill” flavor. At times I crave it more than the cigarettes.

9. After you quit smoking, God still hates you.

8. The fear of being without cigarettes is much more potent than the actual withdrawal.

7. The layover between quitting smoking and becoming a self-righteous non-smoker dickhead can be surprisingly short if you want it to. It didn’t take me long to look at my co-workers smoking in front of the building and think, “Oh! How disgusting!” Also, my testicles are missing.

6. Some people actually WILL be completely fuckwadish to you when they find out you’ve quit, like the guy at work who – on my Day 2 – offered to give me money to buy smokes if that was “the problem.” This helped lead to the easy transition mentioned in #7.

5. Apparently, after you quit you’re not supposed to have any any. Like, AT ALL. Can you believe that shit?

4. Hookers hardly ever talk to me now.

3. At first, you think that the constant stream of well wishes from friends, family, and co-workers is annoying. Then, the first time you mention you quit and someone DOESN’T respond with a “Good going!” or “Congratulations!” you realize you really wanted it.

2. When you don’t have a car and you live in an attic apartment at the end of a windy, narrow, dark staircase, laziness becomes a surprisingly powerful ally in smoking cessation.

1. People who smoke smell like ass.

Top 10 Things I Want To Do In 2009

10. Not smoke.

9. Lose Weight.

8. Get a new computer.

7. Get a car.

6. Get a new job.

5. Pay off my debt.

4. Drink more alcohol on a regular basis.

3. Read more books than, like, all of you.

2. Move in with my girlfriend.

1. Write a novel.

P.S. Oh yeah, and update the blog more regularly. Heh.

My Top 10 Favorite Things About Being Me

10. When drunk, I am surprisingly coherent and eloquent. I'm still a slurring, clumsy monkey, but you'll never meet a smarter drunk who's hitting on your Mom or breaking furniture.

9. Apparently, people who see me but don't know me get the impression that I'm some big, tough guy. I'm totally not, but I look like I ate a Hell's Angel, and it's kept me safe in relatively unsafe neighborhoods.

8. Everyone wants to have sex with me. I understand. It's cool. It's a lot of pressure, but I can handle it.

7. My rich, developed imagination takes me to fantastic worlds of wonder and majesty. I don't even need porn.

6. My musical taste is better than yours.

5. My name. It's cool. It took me a long time to appreciate it, and substitute teachers' roll calls didn't help, but I'm cool with it now. And it totally contributes to #8.

4. Kids love me. No, really. They flock to me like I'm made of candy. I don't love kids nearly as much as they love me, and frankly wish they'd leave me the hell alone sometimes, but it just feels good to know kids think you're the bee's knees. I mean, that's gotta give me some points.

3. My facial hair. I just love it.

2. My girlfriend. And I'm sorry that her presence fucks up #8 for the rest of you. Sorry. She's just the only one for me.

1. I could totally kick your ass.

Top 10 Worst Ways To STOP Obsessing Over The Online Game You Can't Play Yet

10. Constantly searching for youtube videos of the new intro quest line with the sweet new class and all the sweet new pets like the big rhino and the t-rexes and the glowy cat.

9. Spending two days writing roleplay backstories for every playable race in the game, both genders, only ONE of which you will use IF you even get to play the game anytime in the near future.

8. Copying and pasting the of the history of the game world into a word document and printing it out to read for no particular reason.

7. Glen Danzig.

6. Constantly posting on your former guild's forum MORE THAN ANY SINGLE OTHER MEMBER WHO IS ACTUALLY PRESENTLY PLAYING THE FUCKING GAME.

5. Making daily trips to the wiki dedicated to the game in question to read all about the neat things you can't see yet.

4. Being me.

3. Covering the night shift for a week so you pretty much have nothing to do but surf the web and find out about more cool stuff you can't do.

2. Blasting Haddaway's "What Is Love" during your night shift. It helps for about 4 minutes, but then you're back to the reality where you're obsessed with playing a game you can't play yet.

1. Porn.

Top 10 Things I Just Fucking LOVE About My Temporary Return To The Night Shift

10. There are so many cool videos on youtube about Wrath of the Lich King, so I get constant reminders of what I'm missing.

9. Last time I worked this shift, I had access to a car and so foolishly discarded the idea of walking home alone at 5 in the morning through a high crime area.

8. Getting to watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report again.

7. Once it's over, at the beginning of next week, I will experience that wonderful Christmas-morning-like anticipation about finding out whether my return to the province of the sun will cause me to burst into flames, or if some nosy reporter has figured out I'm Batman.

6. Playing cards with the mice. Ratty's a cheating motherfucker, but Squeaky will put out for any kind of cheese at all. She's a muenster slut.

5. I love seeing and talking to no one. It really strengthens my personal connections to the my workplace and the world overall.

4. Glen Danzig.

3. Thinking about the early morning employees walking in and wondering who could have possibly left the mouth-watering aroma of freshly-nuked microwave popcorn in the air.

2. Overtime.

1. C-SPAN.

Top 10 Things I Expected To Have Done By Now That I Haven't

10. Published a novel.

9. Tried more drugs than I actually have.

8. Owned a car.

7. Been given a Lifetime Consumer Award from Diet Pepsi and/or Smartfood.

6. Fought off a trio of drunken brutes with a combination of martial arts, brute force, and sharp wit.

5. Been so happy that I spontaneously broke into song in public, and the happiness was so infectious it led the entire neighborhood into the same song, which they somehow knew by heart just like me.

4. Been a super-villain.

3. Made more than $20,000 a year.

2. Could afford to buy a dresser that actually isn't the same dresser I was using in grade school.

1. Been smashed by Hulk. I've got it comin'.

Top 10 Things I Am Really, Really Bad At

10. Resisting porn.

9. Making anything look like it should. Like food. Or carpentry work. I make kick-ass lasagna, but it never ends up as what most people would technically call lasagna. It just kind of looks like a mish-mash of pasta and meat and melted cheese. It's like an Italian sloppy joe. Without the bread. I am literally incapable of drawing a straight line that is actually straight. And Christmas is my most embarrassing time of the year. If I use less than two dozen pieces of tape, there's no way my presents won't be showing at least a little bit of skin. Thank Hulk for gift bags and Christmas tins.

8. Saving money. Really. When it comes to money, I'm like a domesticated animal is with food. Like, you know how you could feed your dog or cat until they're bursting, but they still nose around once you bring out your own dinner? That's because they're animals. And even though they're all housebroken, their instincts are still telling them that if there's food around, they should get it. NOW. I'm like that with money. Something in my head just says "well, you have it, why the fuck aren't you spending it?" And one week, two television series' season dvd sets, six graphic novels, and at least three porn paysites later, I feel a hell of a lot worse than your dog does even if he's shitting out your jar of super chunky peanut butter for a week.

I'm actually conducting a bit of an incentive experiment to improve this. Remember when I quit World of Warcraft? Well, I've decided I'm going to play again. BUT, only after I complete a series of goals - among other things, I have to get at least one of my credit cards down to a zero balance, and I have to save up for a new computer.

7. Doing anything I said I was going to do that takes any considerable amount of effort.

6. Small talk with strangers. Some of you who see me occasionally in real life may have noticed I'm growing my hair out. I'm not growing my hair out because I want my hair long again. I'm growing my hair out because I dread that twenty or so minutes when I have to make small talk with the hairdresser. Well, also because I have to go through the hard work of getting there and paying money.

5. Not telling women the things that other women tell me I should, under no circumstances, tell them.

4. Figuring out a way to tactly, yet firmly - and in a way that allows them to still love me like the big, fat jolly bastard I am - let little children know that I'm tired and I want to go make sexual overtures towards my girlfriend and it's time for them to go pester someone else. It's the belly and the beard. That's why I'm already training one of my best friend's sons even though he's not old enough to understand me by chanting to him repeatedly - in a cutesy, baby talk way of course - "I"m not Santa. No I'm not! No I'm not!"

3. Understanding the things I do. I don't mean that in a psychological or philosophical sense. I mean that in a technical sense. I've worked at a radio station for nearly five years now. And you would have better luck finding out how radio works by grabbing a random stranger and quizzing them than asking me. Yet, somehow, I still manage to start and end my shifts with the bare minimum of fuck-ups.

2. Hiding spontaneous public erections. Thank Hulk for gift bags and Christmas tins.

1. Laughing during enemas. It's just not funny.

Top 10 Things I Hardly Ever Do That I Wish I Did More

10. Look for other jobs.

9. Write haiku.

8. Respond to passively-aggressively insulting comments - usually made at work - with something along the lines of "Up your mother, you ridiculous fuckwagon of stupid!"

7. Call in sick.

6. Drop heavy things on people from impressive heights.

5. Eat stuff that's really good, really fills me up, and is good for me.

4. Get stupidly drunk. It's been a while.

3. Revolt.

2. Manage money wisely.

1. Look strangers in the eye and genuinely wish them a good morning.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Am Keeping My Phone Off Today, Staying Off The Internet, And Will Remain Completely Unreachable

10. You guys smell.

9. I've got lots of Diet Pepsi. Shit's not gonna drink itself. And I drink alone. Yeah, with nobody else. And when I drink alone, I prefer to drink by myself. Which is redundant in so many ways and I can't believe I just quoted that goddamn song.

8. Glen Danzig.

7. The Quiet Man has to start talking. Most of you don't know what that means. But I honestly think you will some day.

6. I'm going to be blasting a lot of loud instrumentals in my apartment. I can't hear them if I leave, and I honestly think most of you guys wouldn't like them.

5. My cell phone is low on minutes anyway.

4. The Internet is too distracting. Too much porn. I mean blogs. Yeah, blogs. Too many blogs.

3. I have decided today will be a day for writing and nothing more. No softball practice or hanging out or chores or shopping or anything else. Today I write and no one and nothing is going to disturb that.

2. I am basking in the aftermath of a glorious night with a beautiful woman who submitted to my clumsy charms. I will not pretend to know what the future holds other than to say she has foolishly agreed to be called my "significant other" and that knowing this makes my days seem brighter and more hopeful. On this blog, for the sake of both anonymity and symbolic accuracy, she will henceforth be known as Penelope - as in the patient wife of Odysseus, as in the woman whose arms I would brave every manner of island-dwelling beast and monster and wrathful god to be folded into, as in the woman whose unworthy suitors I would slaughter with a cheerful heart and absolute ruthlessness should they be stupid enough to step in my bloody path. Only two things threaten to render her blog-induced pseudonym a silly thing. First, not even the grandest war with the most certain promises of glory and bounty could tempt me from her side, and so neither her patience nor the aforementioned island-hopping trek back to her bed would be necessary. Second, to say she makes me feel like Odysseus is a horrible lie, because Odysseus is nothing but an epic hero whose bravery and cunning would thrill the hearts and minds of every tradition-bent literature professor and lover of the Western World, whereas she makes me feel like a demi-god. I want to be worthy of her. I want her to be proud of me. That's not the only reason for reason #3, but it helps. She is a large piece of the proof of something I am allowing myself to believe: that something out there, something good that can't be named and cares whether or not I feel loved, has answered my lonely scream and answered it with the only pieces of Heaven I believe I will ever know - other people. And if you don't get the Penelope reference, for Christ's sake go to wikipedia. I'm a writer, not a literature professor.

1. Got shit to do.

(P.S. Just wanted to talk about something funny and ironic in reference to the end of reason #2. I have a friend, a co-worker, who is a brilliant photographer. Some months ago I moved into a kind of "iffy" area crime-wise. There is graffiti, and I recently learned the graffiti artists are a bit smarter than I initially thought. Well, in some ways, at least. In particular, there is an artist whose tag consists of two kind of bubble faces - one laughing and one sad - and it took me some weeks before I realized the artist's tag was his own contemporary rendering of the tragedy/comedy masks of theater. Next to one of these tags - on the back wall of a veterinarian hospital in the path of my short, daily trek to work - are the words HELL IS OTHER PEOPLE. I have been so - forgive my Reznor-like self-pity - desperately, desperately lonely. So lonely that I was tempted to ask my co-worker to follow me to the building and take a picture of me standing next to the quote. But the world has been nice to me lately. Old friends, new friends, and a new lover have found their way into my life. And it's all happened in such a short space of time that it can't feel like anything but providence. I didn't ask my friend to take the picture mainly because it was embarrassing to ask for it, and equally embarrassing - should he have agreed - to model for a photo in public. But now I won't ask because, Dear Anonymous Wall Artist, YOU. ARE. WRONG.)

Top 10 COMPLETELY TRUE Things (no, seriously) You Probably Don't Know About Me

10. I can, from memory, recite the dictionary definition of smegma.

9. I believed in Santa until the fifth grade.

8. I was baptized Catholic when I was 12, took my first Communion, was never confirmed, and was briefly an altar boy.

7. My ex-girlfriend brought me to a sadomasochist/kink masquerade a couple of years ago. I thought having a masquerade for people who regularly dress up in costumes and give themselves funny names was more than a little redundant. During our relationship, I had come up with a name for myself to represent how I thought her and her kinky friends thought of me - "Captain Vanilla". So, I bought a white mask, white sneakers, white basketball shorts, tied a white tablecloth around my neck as a cape, painted a bright and glittery purple "V" on my shirt, and for the first and only time became the superhero Captain Vanilla. The responses came in three categories - most people thought it was funny, some people upon hearing my superhero name retorted with "we'll change that by the end of the night" (guess what, they didn't), and some looked like they wanted to punch me. Which they would've, if they weren't a bunch of wimpy trekkie pricks who regularly gathered to pretend there were other people who wanted to have sex with them. I think mainly people were just surprised that someone at the shindig had come up with an idea for a costume that didn't necessitate lots and lots of black leather (the Kinksters are wild and rebellious INDIVIDUALS...in a very regimented, uniform and fascist rule-oriented kind of way - no, no, BITTER? ME?).

6. Because of the relationship that led to reason #7, I have met more women who call themselves "Blue" than I can actually remember.

5. I once stayed home from school - back at the University of Tampa - for two days because I really, really wanted to finish Final Fantasy VII.

4. I once rented a cabin in the woods for a week to be all emo and write poetry. At one point, I smelled something and wasn't able to put my finger on what it was. I ignored it for hours. Eventually, I realized it was gas from the stove. I hadn't used the stove the entire time, but must have accidentally hit one of the knobs. I opened all the windows and doors and sat outside until the place aired out. I had been lighting cigarettes the entire time, without knowing the danger. And it was my only night there that I hadn't made a fire in the fireplace. So I sat outside and smoked and thought about that for a long time.

3. I once had my friend Susan put her hand on top of my head and shave around it, so I had a big handprint on my head. Shortly afterwards, my brother brought me with his college's theater department to Greenwich Village to see Blue Man Group. I was pulled on stage and, according to the other students, the Blue Men were having a lot of fun making fun of my hair behind my back.

2. My first crush was named Kelly. I wrote her poems and sent them to her, unsigned, for a week. She wasn't interested. We were both in Public Speaking - me in my horrible military, Christian, all-boys school, and her in her Christian, all-girls school. I took vengeance upon her the only way I could. I had already qualified for the State Finals for Oral Interpretation of Literature. She was in the same category, and my coach told me if I went up for it again before the finals and managed to place higher than her - which I knew I would because I was damn good at it and Kelly and all the girls from her school in that category only read what their coaches let them read, which was always either Robert Frost or shit about cats - I would knock her out of qualification for no good reason. So I did. It was one of the most mean-spirited, petty-minded things I've ever done. All my trophies from that time are gone. All that's left are a few people my age who may or may not remember the look on the judges' faces when I read a poem that mentioned handprints of shit left on toilets. I smashed all the trophies during the retreat mentioned in reason #4, and burned all my high school yearbooks and pictures. It's better that way.

1. I'm right-handed. I'm not ambidextrous. Regardless, I masturbate with my left.

Top 10 Things I Like To Think Of Myself As VERSUS The Top 10 Things I Actually Am

10. I like to think of myself as B.A., or even Face, but I'm probably more like Murdock.

9. I like to think of myself as a dwarf, but I'm probably a hobbit.

8. I like to think of myself as Liono, but I'm probably Snarf.

7. I like to think of myself as the Hulk, but I'm probably Bruce.

6. I like to think of myself as Spike, but I'm probably Xander.

5. I like to think of myself as one of the Dinobots, but I'm probably, well, yeah. One of the Dinobots.

4. I like to think of myself as He-Man, but I'm probably Orko.

3. I like to think of myself as House, but I'm probably Wilson. Or that dork on Scrubs.

2. I like to think of myself as Batman, but I'm probably that ugly reporter from the first Burton film who was slobbering over Vicki Vale.

1. I like to think of myself as the god of hellfire, but I'm probably just an irresistible sex god. Somehow, I'll deal.

Top 10 Things I'm Wondering About My Coffee Date Today

10. She's an economics professor. Does that mean I definitely should or definitely shouldn't pay for coffee?

9. She's very successful. Me, not so much. Yet. So should I show up in a t-shirt with obscenities on it or no?

8. She's published a lot more than I have. Should I hate her?

7. She has the url to my blog. Should I even be writing this?

6. We have an ongoing joke regarding the immortal ninja vs. pirate debate. She falls on the unfortunate side of pirates. Should I hunt down a ninja action figure before the date and give it to her as a present?

5. I believe she's Christian. So how many Jesus jokes should I make (1-3, 4-6, 7-28)?

4. Does she even know who Glen Danzig is?

3. Should I mention that I was at a rodeo last night?

2. Hunt down a ninja action figure? Why the hell don't I own one?

1. Do I even have any clean shirts without obscenities written on them?

Top 10 Halloween Costume Choices For Uncle Ick

(NOTE: If the pics don't show up for you, try another browser. I don't understand what's going on. It's weird. I posted the blog on firefox, and they show up for me on firefox, but for some people it only shows up on Explorer. No idea wtf is going on)

Well, a good friend has already sent out invitations to her Halloween party, so it's time to figure out what to go as.

MAKE SURE TO VOTE IN THE POLL IN THE SIDEBAR! I WILL BE CHOOSING WHATEVER COSTUME GETS THE MOST VOTES! I've extended the poll so that it lasts until two weeks before Halloween, which I figure will give me enough time to get whatever costume together.

AT LEAST TEN PEOPLE HAVE TO VOTE IN THE POLL! Otherwise, I'm choosing my own. I'm not gonna go as Nacho Libre if, like, 4 people vote and 2 of them choose him. That's just silly.


10. SILENT BOB from various Kevin Smith movies


Pros: Easy costume requirements.

Cons: Already did it a few years ago, I'm trying to quit smoking, and I can't shut up for that long. Also, I hate Kevin Smith. He stole my look.

9. NACHO LIBRE from Nacho Libre


Pros: He wears a mask, so I won't have to shave my beard.

Cons: I'd have to wear a mask.

8. TOM BOMBADIL from The Lord of the Rings


Pros: No one who isn't a Lord of the Rings geek knows who the hell he is, so I know no on else will come as him. When I get drunk and start dancing around and singing to trees and inanimate objects, I'll have an excuse.

Cons: No one who isn't a Lord of the Rings geek knows who the hell he is.

7. OLAF THE TROLL from Buffy the Vampire Slayer



Pros: The only Buffy character I could ever pull off. And I get to carry a cool hammer around.

Cons: No one who doesn't have the same intimate Buffy familiarity as myself will know who he is, and just think I'm a geek. Which I am, but still. At a Buffy-themed costume party this might be the way to go, but just in a general costume thingee, I don't think so.

6. THOR from The Mighty Thor


PROS: One of the only classic super-heroes I could pull off.

CONS: He's Thor.

5. THE MAESTRO from The Incredible Hulk: Future Imperfect


PROS: The Maestro is a futuristic version of the Incredible Hulk who goes insane and takes over the world. So it's kind of a cool way of being the Hulk for Halloween without actually being the Hulk. I could incorporate my beard into the costume.

CONS: Again, we run into the fact that only a specific group of people will have any idea who the hell he is.

4. PRINCE VULTAN from Flash Gordon



PROS: It'd be funny as hell.

CONS: Those wings would be a pain to reproduce. Either I'd have to go wingless, they'd be too small, or they'd be the right size and I would both have difficulty getting through doorways and constantly be apologizing for unintentionally smacking people with them.

3. HAMISH from Braveheart



PROS: I already have a kilt. So gathering the rest of the costume would be easy. Just need a lot of ratty clothes, maybe some blue face paint, and maybe blonde hair dye. Also, if anyone showed up as Mel Gibson or any Mel Gibson character, I would get to beat them up a lot.

CONS: Might be confused for just a random, generic Scottish guy.

2. SAMURAI CHEF from Saturday Night Live



PROS: Again, minimal costume requirements. And nothing about John Belushi isn't cool.

CONS: I'd have to speak fake-Japanese all night and try to hack loaves of bread to pieces.

1. SALLAH from the Indiana Jones flicks (the good ones)



PROS: Yet again, not a lot of effort would need to go into the costume. And I'd get to say cool stuff all night like "INDY! THEY'RE DIGGING IN THE WRONG PLACE!" and "Asps. Very dangerous. You go first." and "Bad dates." And in a party atmosphere I could adapt these lines for comedic value, like, "INDY! THEY'RE DRINKING PIELS IN THE WRONG PLACE!" (not that there's ever a right time or place to drink Piels) or "Deviled Eggs. Very Dangerous. You go first." or "Bad Candy Corn."

CONS: Would be bugged all night to repeat stupid lines from Raiders. Also, if anyone showed up dressed as Indy, I'd have to carry all their shit.


P.S. I realize that with both a John Rhys-Davies character and a Lord of the Rings character on this list, folks might be saying, "Hello?!?! Where's Gimli?" I'm not dressing as Gimli. No fucking way. Trying to be that short would take effort. If I wanted to be on my knees that much, I'd quit the radio station and go the Midnight Cowboy route. Probably make more money too.

Top 10 Reasons Why Uncle Ick Has Been A Depressed Emo-Kid This Week (hence, the lack of updates)

10. I quit playing World of Warcraft. Specifically I quit WoW so I could devote more time to reading and writing. This was a good thing to do, but I miss the friends I made on WoW. And I miss the mindless gathering and grinding and questing. I've realized that without the ability to immediately log onto WoW when I wake up or get home from work, I am left to confront certain things that I didn't want to confront.

9. Reading. I maintain that quitting WoW in favor of reading and writing was a good decision. I'm writing more and reading a lot every day. It's particularly nice to be able to finish certain books that I've been meaning to finish forever. For example, I'd been reading Catch-22 for months - not because it's a difficult or bad read, but just because I'd allowed myself too much distraction from other things. I also just finished Jonathan Lethem's The Fortress of Solitude - a novel I had started and stopped reading three times (and don't ask me why, it's beautifully written). The bad part of this is, well, I think I may have figured out one of the many reasons why I stopped reading - because good books and stories tend to be goddamned depressing. For example, while I've been reading novels I've also been reading a short story anthology my brother got me for Christmas - The Best American Short Stories of the Twentieth Century. Apparently, the best American short stories of the 20th century are all goddamned depressing. The last story I read ends with a father, his son, his nephew, and his dog drowning in freezing water. The story before that - "Greenleaf" by Flannery O'Connor (should've known better than to think I'd find shiny happiness in an O'Connor tale) ends with the main character skewered and trampled to death by a bull. Another one ends with two young brothers freezing to death in a barn. And then there's the one that ends with a mother and her son watching each other get brutally murdered by a racist lynch mob. And if they don't end in horrific death, they end with a romantic relationship being destroyed, a potential romantic relationship getting nipped in the bud (considering the events of my life this past year, these two story elements are particularly stinging to me), or a relationship that had been romantic but whose fire has long since been snuffed continuing indefinitely even though it's torture for those involved. They're good stories, they've got me writing, but Jesus Christ now I know why I write about super-heroes. They're more fun. They have super strength. And lasers.

8. I'm quitting smoking tomorrow. Yes. Again. And yes, I'm very, very happy about that.

7. Well, let's face it, it's been a tough year. Particularly in the relationship department. Thoughts of "I will be miserable and alone forever" invade my thoughts. And again, The Best American Short Stories of the Twentieth Century don't help. Maybe they have a "Worst" edition where everyone lives happily ever after in each story. And thinking about such a collection makes me think that if everyone really does live happily ever after in a story, it's probably either a fairy tale or porn. I wonder if they have a Best Porn collection. Edited by John Updike. Illustrations by Jack Kirby.

6. The number 6 bothers me. It always has.

5. I busted my ass for four years to get a degree - working long, lonely nights in a shitty neighborhood - to not only work in the same job in the same shitty neighborhood, but to actually move into that shitty neighborhood.

4. I have things I need to work on. Goals that need to be accomplished. And I can accomplish them, and will. I know that. And I know that the interim will be lonely, and I don't know how to handle that.

3. I quit WoW to work on my writing. This is a good thing. It worked. I'm writing again. But it has recently occurred to me that my ultimate goal in life - to be a professional fiction writer - will bring with it things that I am not so sure I like. Isolation and loneliness. Writing is an isolated activity. It's not something I can do with someone looking over my shoulder. It's not something I can do while joking with co-workers. In fact, there are no co-workers. And for the first time I find myself wondering if maybe I could do something else with my life, to avoid that loneliness. I know I don't want anything else, and I guess I'm having trouble making peace with that.

2. My ex-girlfriend Nicole was right about one thing at least. My town is a big bucket of suck. I can't find anything here. I wrack my brain to find a place where I can hang out and meet like-minded people, and come up short. All the bars are choked either with college students or people who would probably like to kill me. I can't even find a writing workshop group.

1. This list suffers from a complete lack of funny. Sorry about that. I'm working on finding the funny again. It's tough. I plan to download every single version of "Astro Zombies" I can find on itunes and beyond. That might help.

Top 10 Reasons Why There Was No Post Yesterday And Will Probably Be None Today (Other Than This One, Which Really Doesn't Count)

10. After trying and failing to adjust my sleep schedule back from night work to day work, I got less than two hours of sleep last night, and I'm exhausted.

9. I'm tired.

8. I'm pooped.

7. I'm weak

6. I'm fatigued.

5. I'm sleepy.

4. I own a thesaurus.

3. I need a nap.

2. Glen Danzig.

1. I'm fuckin' tired.

Top 10 Possible Interpretations I Should Consider Regarding The Magic Surrounding My Ex-Girlfriends And Their Living Arrangements

Forgive me, gentle readers. I usually prefer to do without any preamble, but this list desperately needs one.

I was dumped at the end of January by my girlfriend of five years. Let's call her N. Maybe a month ago, I enjoyed a two-week relationship with a woman we'll call K.

K lives on a street we'll call PW. Her address is #41 PW.

Last week N e-mailed me to inform me she was moving and that amidst the mess that always comes with moving, she had found some of my stuff and wanted to hand it over to me.

Eventually, I learned N is moving to the same street as K.

And N is moving into #40 PW.

Of course, this is already something of a painful coincidence, but it threatens to reach the level of providence because of a brief thought that went through my head the day before K dumped me.

The day before K dumped, I had a feeling the break-up was coming, and for a few minutes I jokingly considered that her address was a sign from the Powers That Be that things weren't going to work out. See, there's this great series of goofy sci-fi books called The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy in which it is revealed that the answer to life, the universe, and everything is 42. In fact, if you happen to be a fan of The X-Files, you may not know that the show's creators paid tribute to the series by giving Fox Mulder's apartment the number 42.

In other words, for a few moments I had a chuckle thinking that maybe the Powers That Be, with K's address, were telling me "Meh, close, but not quite there yet."

And now, with my ex-girlfriends lining up in a row that points towards the answer to everything, it occurs to me that I might want to actually consider - and not jokingly - whether or not the Powers That Be are really trying to tell me something here, and the irony of the fact that my break-up with K had something to do with my doubting the existence of any Powers That Be is not at all lost on me.

So, assuming there is something the Fates are trying to tell me here, I'm left with exactly what the Deity -> Mortal translation is. And so...

10. My next girlfriend will break up with me and move into either #39 or #42 PW, at which point her, N, and K will form a witch coven and have cool adventures sponsored by Spelling Entertainment.

9. I need to find out who lives in #42 PW and screw her IMMEDIATELY.

8. I have recently realized that I am spending too much time not doing two things - reading and writing. And the former always tends to lead to the latter. Since I want to write for a living, reading a lot is kind of a prerequisite, and for the time being I am forcing myself to be distracted by nothing but reading and writing. No World of Warcraft, no internet games, no tv, no dvds. Just reading and writing. And maybe after I finish Catch-22 I need to re-read the Hitch Hikers. I don't know. I hope not. Just because I've already read them and have so many books I haven't read yet. Plus I don't think I have them anymore so I'd have to buy new copies.

7. Hmmm. Well there is always this. Maybe I need to find a 42-year-old.

6. Bill Clinton was the 42nd President. Mmm...interns...

5. Washington state was the 42nd American state. Well, I do know a girl in Washington state. She's gay though. Oh, wait. Uh oh.

4. My 42nd post on List SMASH! was Top 10 Things People Tell Me To Do That I Don't Want To Do. Maybe I need to do all those things. Or not do them. Or do half and not do the other half. Or...Christ I hate the Powers That be.

3. Glen Danzig.

2. I need to stay the fuck away from #42 PW.

1. I need to stay the fuck away from PW.