Top 10 Opportunities to Work "I AM THE NIGHT" Into Everyday Conversation

10. "Dude, why are you kicking me in that particular area of my leg?"

9. "If you had the choice of being either a daffodil, a daisy, a kitten, a puppy, peanut butter, jelly, a piece of cake, a piece of pie, a cold glass of lemonade, a warm glass of milk, or THE NIGHT, which would you choose?"

8. "Why do you fight evil with such passion and success?"

7. "What's your favorite brand of body wash?"

6. "Why is it whenever the Sun goes down, you Moon me?"

5. "What's that smell?"

4. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

3. "Why did you cum on my foot?"

2. "Why don't you ever do the dishes?"

1. "If you were a chess piece, which chess piece would you be?"

Top 10 Reasons Why Hulk Is Better Than Batman

10. Hulk could totally kick his ass. Like, easily.

9. Batman's movies, generally speaking, are better. Sell-out little bitch.

8. Writing Batman is easy. He's much more versatile than Hulk. You can put him in a kung-fu epic, a noir mystery, or a horror story. You can have him fight super-villains, crack dealers, vampires, robots, cavemen, ninja, whatever. And just by the very fact that he has a fake name and wears a funny outfit, when all else fails you can throw him into your regular old intergalactic cosmic hero-fest. The Hulk, on the other hand, takes a more skilled scribe to keep interesting month after month. He just gets mad and break stuff. And yet there he is, in movies, television, books, and comics.

7. Hulk did this:


6. Sidekick relations. First of all, Batman needs a lot more help than Hulk. He's had four Robins, Bat-Girl, Oracle, and Spoiler not to mention all the folks who technically aren't sidekicks but really are like Catwoman, Nightwing, and Azrael. Hulk's had Rick Jones and Jim Wilson. And they weren't sidekicks in the sense that they helped him fight. Just, you know, when he turned back into Banner they got him clothes and stuff. Plus, the Hulk is so cool that Rick and Jim didn't even bother to change their real names or wear dumb costumes. Oh yeah, and Hulk loaned out Rick to Captain America, Captain Marvel, and even that lame ass Rom the Spaceknight. Batman would never let Superman or Aquaman have Robin for a week (too jealous).

5. Batman's a whiteboy.

4. Batman spends a good deal of time and resources figuring out clever ways to take out his fellow super-heroes just in case he ever has to. Hulk just punches them. A lot.

3. Hulk declared war on Earth. Batman would never declare war on Earth. He would just spend 10 years covertly taking everything over and never letting anyone know he's pulling the strings. Wimp.

2. Hulk's parents are dead too. You don't hear him whining about it all the time.

1.

Top 10 Reasons Why Batman's War On Crime In Gotham Never Works

10. No Hulk.

9. That whole thing about ordinary criminals refraining from their dastardly deeds for fear of Batman is an urban legend. In reality, they do more crap just so they can get beat up by him. They even have a points system in place. Five points for getting beat up by him, ten points if he hangs you off a roof and interrogates you, and a whopping 50 points if he cums on your face.

8. Because the justice system is weak and ineffectual. And there's only one of him, while criminals run legion.

7. Superman air-shuttles criminals from Metropolis to Gotham just to fuck with him.

6. It's called "Gotham." It pretty much has to have a lot of crime or else they'd have to change the name.

5. Glen Danzig.

4. All the Gotham criminals have figured out that if they want to do bad shit, just do it on Saturday night. No one knows why exactly, but apparently a lot of Gotham clubs host "Gay Night" on Saturdays.

3. Robin lets one out of every two criminals go for job security.

2. Apparently hanging people off rooftops, beating them up, trying to run them over with super-cars, or just chasing them down while dressed up as a bat all count as cruel and unusual punishment.

1. The criminals were ready to quit until the Joker brought back Hawaiian Shirt Friday. Fringe benefits promote retention.

Top 10 Reasons Why You Must See The Dark Knight Immediately

WARNING: This list is as spoiler-free as I can make it, but there are things folks might consider spoilers. You've been warned.


10. Three Words. Anthony. Michael. Hall.

9. If Joel Schumacher had anything to do with the production of the The Dark Knight, other than serving as an example of how not to make a Batman movie, I'll eat my own fist after I cover it in elephant shit.

8.. "Give it to me, and I'll do what you should've done 10 minutes ago." You won't know what this means until you see the film, but it's part of one of the most disarmingly powerful moments of the movie.

7. Glen Danzig.

6. Christopher Nolan has succeeded in creating something that has been both desperately needed and woefully absent from every other superhero movie franchise. Rather than simply rustling up a new villain every film as a gimmick, he's managed to create a sustained rogue's gallery for Batman which in turn is making the world of the films as tangible and complex as the world of the comics. You'll probably know what I'm talking about within the first 5 minutes or so of the film. Some folks thought The Dark Knight would be a single-villain flick. Others suspected that with Harvey Dent (aka Two Face in the comics), it would be a two-villain movie. Sorry, folks. There's actually three of the bastards. But don't worry, this is no repeat of an embarrassment like Spider-Man 3.

5. The climax to The Dark Knight is absolutely incredible. It may remind you of the formulaic Star Wars climaxes in that it features multiple conflicts raging simultaneously, but it's nothing as boring as Lucas's many, many mistakes. It's dizzying and borders on confusion, but not in a bad way.

4. The ending of The Dark Knight is one of the best, if not the best, endings of any superhero film I can remember. Without giving away too much, rest assured The Dark Knight does not end with your usual hero-jumps-around-to-inspirational-music-with-a-flag-close-by resolution. It's a little surprising, and considering the hero, it's a fitting end.

3. (WARNING: This is one of those spoilers I can't avoid) While Heath Ledger's Joker will be what everyone remembers, Aaron Eckhart's portrayal of Harvey Dent is just as memorable in its own way. The descent of Harvey Dent - from a man so heroic there are those in Gotham who suspect he might be Batman, to one of Batman's most vicious and ruthless enemies - is perhaps the most impacting and utterly believable supervillain origin story you will see on film. We finally feel the same sympathy Batman harbors for Two Face. We've followed Harvey's journey, and regret where it's ended as much as Batman does. George Lucas - take notes. If you want to tell a story about a villain and want your audience to feel sympathy for him, you have to make them care about him before you make them hate him.

2. This is IT, folks. This is the best superhero movie you will ever see. The next Batman flick will suck compared to this. Every other superhero film will suck compared to this. I'm not kidding. This is it.

1. Jack Nicholson may have made you laugh, but folks, THIS is the Joker. The Joker as he was meant to be. He makes you feel sick to your stomach. He genuinely scares you. He makes you want to remind your kids about not talking to strangers. Ledger's Joker is so vicious you actually find yourself wondering whether or not the Batman can take him down. He's funny, but not like Nicholson was funny. More like, watching some poor homeless guy ranting to himself funny. His lunacy feels much more real than that of predecessors Nicholson and Romero, and that much more frightening because of it. Also, unlike the Jokers of the past, Ledger's Joker isn't just a silly clown with a bunch of gadgets, he's an actual physical threat to the Batman. He's no super-ninja, but when someone punches him, he punches BACK. One of his scarier moments is right in the beginning, when the Richard-Dreyfuss voice stops for a moment after a crime lord calls him crazy. No hideous cackling, no jittery dancing. He simply levels his eyes on the crimelord, and says "No. I'm not. I'm not." It's powerful because, if for no other reason, Nicholson or Romero would've just made some witty retort about how much they love being crazy. And if you don't understand why some of Gotham's citizens are scared of Batman, a scene in which Gordon lets Batman in the interrogation room with Joker will cure you of your ignorance.

This is the best, guys. For superhero movies, it really doesn't get better than this. And it won't. EVER. Go see it. Now.

Top 10 Reasons Why Batman Has A Sidekick (except for the obvious, get your minds out of the gutter)

10. He lost his TV remote.

9. All those doorknobs in Wayne Manor don't clean themselves.

8. Now with both Alfred and Robin, Bruce is finally able to fulfill his life-long dream of producing and starring in an on-stage performance of Family Business. Bat-Girl tried to do Broderick's role, but all the duct tape in the world couldn't keep her chestlies down.


7. Someone has to buy the weed. Whenever Bruce tries to get weed, they totally make him as a narc. He's gotten close a few times, but the Bat-Money-Clip always gives him away. He doesn't smoke dope of course, but they need something to wean Lois off the pain meds and Clark's too much of a hard-on to go buy it himself (you'd need them too if your throat had to deal with what hers does).

6. A really bad spur-of-the-moment business investment some years ago having to do with putting together a Gotham City boy band. He managed to give the rest of the group to Superman for his Metropolis boy band, but the Man of Steel thought Robin was too blasphemous (all the "Holy" this and "Holy" that).

5. The nuns at the orphanage had huge knockers.

4. Got a few hundred extra bucks in his economic stimulus check. Wayne Industries was saved. Take that, LexCorp!

3. Taking sidekicks out for walks is a great way to pick up chicks.

2. Couldn't figure out what ROFLMAO meant. He thought it was a message from the Riddler.

1. Batman and Robin work at night. Batman dresses all in dark colors. Robin's uniform looks like a package of life-savers. Who do you think the bad guys shoot at first?