Top 10 Reasons Why Vampires Are Better Than Werewolves

10. Vampires are more environmentally friendly. Whenever you make a new werewolf, you have to waste tons of newspaper house training the bastards.

9. There are dumb vampires. There are seductive, whorish vampires and vampires who want to conquer the world. There are sad, broody vampires and lazy vampires who just want to kill someone every now and then and stay out of everyone's away. Vampires, in other words, have variety. Werewolves, on the other hand, just growl and kill and hump people's legs until someone in town figures out how to melt silver.

8. Werewolves just don't seem to serve any purpose. They're just wolves on two legs instead of four. Why would a wolf want two legs instead of four? That's stupid. If you have four legs, be happy about your extra two legs, idiot.

7. Vampires are tougher to track, because they don't shit in the woods.

6. It isn't Buffy the Werewolf Slayer, is it? Why not? Because werewolves are lame and you don't need anyone special to kill them. Hell, some people even let them play basketball for them.



5. If you become a werewolf, you don't even get to enjoy it. You wake up in the woods all naked, and you're like "Whoa, I got drunk! And hey, is that my girlfriend's severed pinky?" And the police suspect you but they have no proof, and you go through this whole awkward, confusing period before you even realize you're a werewolf. And then it doesn't matter, because whenever you become a werewolf, YOU aren't around and don't get to enjoy killing and growling and humping people's legs. On the other hand, if you get turned into a vampire, you'll know, and you'll be stopping by your boss' house momentarily.

4. Your choice of locale is severely limited. Sure, there are movies where they have werewolves in urban areas, but that's bullshit. If you're a werewolf, you need to live out in the country. 'Cause you're a freaking werewolf. Which means you may be limited as far as cable is concerned, you might have to do satellite TV, who knows if you can even get a cell phone signal...

3. Werewolves have super strength. So do vampires. Werewolves are really fast. So are vampires. Some vampires can turn into bats, wolves, or even mist. Werewolves can turn into werewolves and the thing they are when they're not werewolves.

2. Vampires are always vampires. Werewolves are only werewolves 3 nights out of the month, and ONLY at night. Werewolves are lazy.

1. A monstrous personification of mankind's primal rage?



Yeah, we've got that covered, Scooby. And he's bigger than you.

Top 10 Reasons Why Superheroes Are Better Than Jedi

10. Superheroes have cool origins. They fall in vats of radioactive waste. They get bitten by freaky animals. They get caught in explosions. They come to Earth from far away planets. Jedi all have the same origin. They got abducted by freaks in bathrobes because their blood was funny.

9. Superheroes have throngs of supervillains dedicated to their destruction. Every individual superhero of any significant renown has his/her own rogues gallery. Meanwhile, the entire jedi population got taken out by two Sith. That's pretty fuckin' weak.

8. Superheroes get to make up cool new names. Jedi have to stick with their stupid spaceman names.

7. George Lucas has never directed a superhero movie.

6. Jedi aren't allowed to fuck. Superheroes, on the other hand, get to screw someone once but then the Joker or Doctor Doom or someone else kidnaps whoever they got to bump uglies with, and then they decide they can't screw them anymore because it will put their stupid lives in danger. BUT, at least they got to get off. Jedi just have to be abstinent and deal with it. And people wonder why they go to the dark side.

5. Superman is easily the most well-known superhero. Luke Skywalker is easily the most well-known jedi. One of these men has NOT had his sister's tongue in his mouth. Guess which one?

4. I can't deny it. There have been a LOT of bad superhero movies, as well as a lot of good ones. And there are sure to be more really, really bad superhero movies to come, as well as some really, really good ones. But you and I both know there will never be another Star Wars film that is anything but a big pile of Dooku.

3. So, after the first Star Wars films came and went, what did Mark Hamill - the guy who played Luke Skywalker, the biggest, baddest jedi - do with himself? He did voices for cartoons. Specifically, he did the voice of the Joker on Batman: The Animated Series and the voice of the Hobgoblin on Spider-Man. Think about that. He was Skywalker! And when he tried to make a home in the world of superheroes, they only let him do bad guys. The Big Daddy of the Jedi didn't even rate high enough to do Robin's voice. Scoop that up and eat it, Star Wars dickheads.

2. Hulk is not a jedi.

1. Anyone can be a superhero. Even people who don't have powers. Iron Man, Batman, Captain America, Green Arrow - none of them even have powers. On the other hand, you can't just will yourself to be a jedi. Whether or not you can join the ranks of these sexless monks is determined by how much of a certain bacteria you have in your blood. Conclusion? Superheroes are inclusive. Jedi are religious fanatics who believe in leadership based on random hereditary markers and Divine Right. Fuck Jedi. Jedi suck.

Top 10 Reasons Why Lord of the Rings Is Better Than Star Wars

10. I am fairly certain that neither J.R.R. Tolkien nor Peter Jackson had the motto "Blue Screen Solves Every Problem" tattooed to their asses.

To be fair, the special effects of the original Star Wars films were revolutionary for their time. That's part of the irony. I feel very strongly that - in spite of the obvious improvements in special effects between the production of the original films and that of the prequels - the special effects of the original films worked better and were, in fact, more believable than those of the prequels.

I was particularly struck by this when they started heavily promoting Revenge of the Sith. Their first teaser trailer for Sith had very few clips from the film itself, and instead had clips from all the preceding films. In one part, you see Luke in the original film on Tattooine, looking at the planet's twin suns. In another, there was a shot from Attack of the Clones, with Darth Jr. on his speeder heading for the Sand People, and in the background - once again - you see the planet's two suns. The first shot looked like what it was supposed to look like - a guy staring at two suns. The latter shot looked like an asshole in front of blue screen.

In other words, the effects of the original Star Wars films, and those of Lord of the Rings, were there to do what special effects in films of the fantastic are supposed to do - suspend the viewers' disbelief and draw them into the fictional world. Whereas the CGI of the prequels was there to make you think "Wow! Cool CGI!"

9. Stories written by writers can be fun!

8. Most of the actors involved with Lord of the Rings went on to do more than cartoon voices and lame comic-book related Christopher-Guest-rip-off mockumentaries.

7. Lord of the Rings did not attempt to shove a faux Eastern religion down the throats of its audience.

6. When villains in Lord of the Rings get burnt all to shit by lava, they actually die.

5. When Gandalf found a race of goofy diminutives, they didn't try to eat him.

4. As far as I know, no principal characters in Lord of the Rings - in either the books or the films - french kissed their sisters.

3. Christopher Lee played a villain in both film franchises, but in Lord of the Rings he wasn't given a name that toddlers use to describe SHIT.

2. No Jar Jar.

1. The books are better. The movies are better. Simple as that.

Top 10 Reasons Why Hulk Is Better Than Batman

10. Hulk could totally kick his ass. Like, easily.

9. Batman's movies, generally speaking, are better. Sell-out little bitch.

8. Writing Batman is easy. He's much more versatile than Hulk. You can put him in a kung-fu epic, a noir mystery, or a horror story. You can have him fight super-villains, crack dealers, vampires, robots, cavemen, ninja, whatever. And just by the very fact that he has a fake name and wears a funny outfit, when all else fails you can throw him into your regular old intergalactic cosmic hero-fest. The Hulk, on the other hand, takes a more skilled scribe to keep interesting month after month. He just gets mad and break stuff. And yet there he is, in movies, television, books, and comics.

7. Hulk did this:


6. Sidekick relations. First of all, Batman needs a lot more help than Hulk. He's had four Robins, Bat-Girl, Oracle, and Spoiler not to mention all the folks who technically aren't sidekicks but really are like Catwoman, Nightwing, and Azrael. Hulk's had Rick Jones and Jim Wilson. And they weren't sidekicks in the sense that they helped him fight. Just, you know, when he turned back into Banner they got him clothes and stuff. Plus, the Hulk is so cool that Rick and Jim didn't even bother to change their real names or wear dumb costumes. Oh yeah, and Hulk loaned out Rick to Captain America, Captain Marvel, and even that lame ass Rom the Spaceknight. Batman would never let Superman or Aquaman have Robin for a week (too jealous).

5. Batman's a whiteboy.

4. Batman spends a good deal of time and resources figuring out clever ways to take out his fellow super-heroes just in case he ever has to. Hulk just punches them. A lot.

3. Hulk declared war on Earth. Batman would never declare war on Earth. He would just spend 10 years covertly taking everything over and never letting anyone know he's pulling the strings. Wimp.

2. Hulk's parents are dead too. You don't hear him whining about it all the time.

1.

Top 10 Reasons Why Mammals Are Better Than Reptiles

10. We're cuter.

9. We're smarter.

8. We're tastier. Why were the raptors and t-rexes in Jurassic Park hunting the humans down when they had a bunch of bigger, meatier reptiles to kill? 'Cause reptiles taste like crap. It's in the Bible.

7. Mammals go through painful birth processes. Reptiles just, like, lay eggs or something. Wimps.

6. Whenever a film director wants death and danger to resonate in the minds of their audience, they always cut to a shot of some little iguana or something settling on a rock in a desert or swamp, just doing that Gene Simmons thing with its tongue. Why? 'Cause reptiles are filled with sucky death.

5. Reptiles are cold-blooded. Mammals are warm-blooded. Vampires like mammals more. Except in summer.

4. If you're a treacherous bastard, no one calls you a "monkey-in-grass." They call you a "snake-in-the-grass." Snakes are reptiles. 'Cause they suck.

3. Neither Glen Danzig nor any member of The Misfits was a reptile. Not even the new dumb guys who do the "Monster Mash" cover.

2. Whenever people see a large, dangerous mammal in an area in which it doesn't belong, like a bear, they will usually spend lots of time taking pictures and trying to pet or feed it before it kills them. If they see a big-ass snake or alligator or something, though, they call animal control right away. They're dead in either scenario, but at least with the mammal they get a few moments of cutesy.

1. Baby panda sneezin'. Think an iguana with a hiccup could be that cute? I don't fucking think so.

Top 10 Reasons Why Stalin Was Better Than Hitler

10. Hitler killed people because they were Jewish, gypsies, gay, and overall just not like him. Stalin killed people because he thought they were plotting against him. They were both deluded and evil, but at least Stalin was practical. Hitler was just a dick.

9. The Soviet Army swept into China and changed it forever. Do you see any of the countries Hitler invaded becoming world powers because of it? Is anyone complaining about France taking over the world or Belgium sending everyone poison action figures?

8. Glen Danzig.

7. Hitler was from Austria. Stalin was from Georgia. Ray Charles didn't sing any songs about stupid Austria.

6. Robert Duvall played Stalin in the HBO movie. Robert Duvall is fuckin' cool.

5. No one ever asks hypothetical questions about going back in time and killing Stalin. Why? Fuckin' cooler than Hitler.

4. Hitler committed suicide. Pussy.

3. Hitler is like the "Smells Like Teen Spirit" of villains. Yeah, he was unique and interesting at first but then everyone uses him as a villain. He was even in an Indiana Jones movie for fuck's sake.

2. Stalin sees Hitler attacking Europe, Europe fighting back, what does he do? He invades fucking Finland. That's so fucking cool.

1. He was on our side. Duh.

Top 10 Reasons Why Samurai Are Better Than Jedi

10. If a samurai is told to guard the princess, he guards the princess. If a jedi is told to guard the princess, he tries to get laid, goes to visit his Mom, slaughters a village, and tries to get laid by telling the princess he slaughtered a village.

9. When a samurai loses a limb, it means something. When a jedi loses a limb, it means he has to visit a robot and borrow a glove from O.J. Simpson.

8. Without samurai, countless works of fiction and art would be lost. Without jedi, three okay movies, three crappy movies, a bunch of action figures, and some really shitty fan-fiction would be lost.

7. If you wanted to wipe out all the samurai, it would take more than a "shoot them while they're not looking" strategy to do the job.

6. Jedi are religious fanatics. Samurai just want to kill you.

5. Revenge of the Sith - Yoda vs. Count Dooku? You'll never laugh while a samurai's kicking your ass.

4. The samurai class wasn't exactly all-inclusive. But at least membership wasn't determined by the amount of bacteria in your blood.

3. Jedi are passive-aggressive. They carry laser-swords that can cut through anything and begin their training in how to kill when they're toddlers, but call themselves "peacemakers." Samurai want to kill you, love to kill you, and will tell you so.

2. When a samurai fucks up, he kills himself. When a jedi fucks up, he replaces all his body parts with toasters, becomes a ghost to haunt all the jedi who didn't fuck up, or falls back on voice-acting for cartoons.

1. George Lucas has nothing to do with samurai.

Top 10 Reason Why Hulk Would Kick Superman's Ass

10. Superman is really, really strong. He's a lot stronger than Hulk at first. But the more fun that's being had, the stronger Hulk gets. And he just keeps getting stronger and stronger and stronger without any limitations, until he eventually surpasses Supes in strength and durability. Superman is unquestionably the alpha male of the super-hero world, but unlike Hulk he has limits. Superman is an incredibly massive dildo. He makes everyone look inadequate, and he's usually got more than enough girth to do the job. But he can't get any bigger no matter how many batteries you throw in him. The Hulk, on the other hand, is Pinnochio's cock, if Pinnochio's cock got bigger when he lied instead of his nose, and if Pinnochio were the President of the United States.

9. The usual arguments from Superman fans on a Superman vs. Hulk debate are littered with examples of their favorite boy scout using murderous tactics against the Hulkster. They say he could throw the Hulk into the Sun or he could shoot his heat beams through the Hulk's ear and fry his brain. This is a good example of why most people who engage in this superhero vs. that superhero debates are fucking morons. They never take character into consideration. They consider only what the heroes can do, not what they would do, and I guarantee you Superman would never use any tactic against the Hulk that he thought might kill him. This is precisely why Hulk would win. The only way for Superman to beat the Hulk is if he unleashes everything he can onto the Hulk right off the bat. If he goes whole hog, without pulling any punches, he can take the Hulk down. But he NEVER does that. Too much risk of killing his enemy, too much risk of hurting innocent bystanders. The Hulk, on the other hand, cares as much about his enemies and innocent bystanders as I care about the longevity of musical theater as an art form. Which is to say not.

8. If Jimmy Olson tried to call in the Justice League to help, Rick Jones would totally kick his ass. And steal his signal watch. And pawn it for a guitar.

7. Step 1 - Kidnap Lois, Step 2 - Threaten to break Lois's neck until Superman punches himself in the face as hard as he can until he's unconscious, Step 3 - Profit.

6. Superman is a white boy.

5. Batman would give Hulk pointers.

4. Animals love Hulk. Krypto would mutiny.

3. Ed Norton > Brandon Routh. Who's Brandon Routh, you ask? Exactly.

2. Ever hear of that big comic book event a while back called The Death of the Hulk? No? Yeah, that's because it was called The Death of Superman. Wimp.

1. Hulk is the strongest one there is.

Top 10 Reasons Why Dwarves Are Better Than Elves

10. "Hey! Let's get completely hammered and toss gnomes into the forge!" VS. "Hey! Let's go to the juice bar and look at trees!" Which party are you going to?

9. Elf Chicks - Hottest ladies in the fucking universe, but their knees are locked so tightly you have to slip them a date-rape drug just to ask them out to a movie. And they'll still probably say no.

Dwarf Chicks - Perfect height and there's enough alcohol around so you can ignore the fact that they're dwarves.

8.Elves have nifty bows and arrows. Dwarves have artillery.

7. Assholes who sleep outside are vulnerable to the elements. Caves are the same temperature all-year round.

6. All of the gold and treasure is buried deep in mountains. That's undisputed fact. Who lives deep in mountains? Not fucking Legolas.

5. Some dwarf women may have beards, but at least they shave their armpits.

4. You know why the Mormons live in Utah? Because there was a time when they were even less popular than they are now, so much so that the military was sent after them, and it's tough as hell for any army to mount an assault on a mountain. When Cthulu shows up to eat everyone, the refugees aren't going to Rivendell or the Keeblers' tree or Santa's Workshop. They'll be knocking on the front door of Fort Big-Fucking-Mountain.

3. All the great men of history had facial hair. Jesus. Abe Lincoln. John Rhys-Davies. All of them.

2. You think Snow White would've put up with seven of them if they didn't know what they were doing? Face facts. Dwarves fuck like body doubles. No substitute.

1. Orlando Bloom will never play a dwarf.

Top 10 Reasons Why Ninjas Are Better Than Pirates

10. Ninjas have many more opportunities for consensual sex than pirates.

9. Pirates need boats and water. Ninjas kick ass everywhere.

8. Pirates can't sneak into the vents overlooking a girl's locker room and stay there for two weeks.

7. When Bruce Wayne decided to develop the skills he needed to purge Gotham of crime, he didn't look for Captain Crunch to train him.

6. Ninjas are eternal, while pirates are limited to a specific time of history. Seen any pirates recently? Of course not. Seen any ninjas recently? Well, if they're doing their jobs right, of course not.

5. Ninjas are more inclusive. If turtles can be ninjas, anyone can.

4. Ninjas are more versatile. You can't be a good pirate. But ninjas can be superheroes. They can be turtles and they can rap about staying in school and saying no to drugs.

3. Ninja diets are much more diverse, due to the presence of teeth and hence the ability to partake in solid food.

2. A ninja can give himself any bad-ass name, while pirates must name themselves after either the color of their beard, a missing body part, or whatever inanimate object they have used to replace the aforementioned missing body part.

1. Have you ever seen Orlando Bloom in a ninja movie? No. No, you haven't.

Top 10 Reasons Why Vampires Are Better Than Zombies

10. If vampires don't feed on humans, they die (again). If zombies don't feed on humans, they're okay. They get cranky, but they're always cranky. Conclusion - vampires kill people out of necessity. Zombies kill people because they're assholes.

9. Everyone wants to screw vampires, even people who kill vampires. Buffy the Vampire Slayer? She had two vampire boytoys. No one wants to screw zombies, not even other zombies. They might want to gnaw on each other, but that's it.

8. Vampires have cool names. Dracula. Spike. Angel. Lestat. The cast list of a zombie flick? Zombie #1. Zombie #2. Zombie #3. Zombie #4. Blonde In Sweater. Zombie #5. Etc.

7. Vampires have character. They're devious, suave, seductive, sensual, childlike, and free spirited. Zombies just break shit and eat your nose.

6. Vampires are like ninjas. One can take out a household before anyone knows what's happening. Zombies are like killer bees. They can't do shit unless there's a swarm of them. Otherwise, any B-movie actor can hold them off forever with a shotgun and a golf club.

5. Zombies scare me. Vampires turn me on. Either will kill me, but I'd rather die with a boner.

4. Vampires are discriminating in their tastes. They just want your blood. Zombies will fight each other over everything from your foreskin to your colon.

3. Get killed by a vampire and there's always a chance you'll wake up as a super-powered child of the night. Get killed by a zombie, and you wake up as an ass-hungry corpse.

2. Vampires are clearly the more well-rounded villains. By their nature, they lay claim to a healthy majority of the seven deadly sins. They're gluttonous, lustful, proud, wrathful, and greedy. Zombies, however, only get gluttony. Ironically, being that they're villains who only commit one of the deadly sins, I would argue this renders them sinners of sloth. But they don't get to count that with their sins because it's already being counted against their sins. So there.

1. Satan loves vampires. Nobody loves zombies.