Top 10 Thoughts Upon Finishing Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

(It should go without saying, but this contains SPOILERS)

10. I was disappointed there were no new racial slurs like "muggle," "mudblood," or "parselmouth."

9. I wasn't happy to see time travel rear its ugly head in the series (though I guess, in a sense, the argument could be made a form of time travel was used in Chamber of Secrets). I guess I should have expected it. I just get tired of it being used in stories of the more fantastic variety. It's just an easy way to solve so many plot problems. And it's been so over-used at this point that, unless the entire story is about time travel, it always feels like a cop-out.

8. Don't get me wrong. Overall I liked the story and this was probably my favorite of the series so far. But there are certain repetitive aspects of the series I'm getting tired of. I'm getting tired of the introductory chapters with the Dursleys. I always just drag my way through those chapters, breathing a sigh of relief when they finally get Harry to Hogwarts. It isn't that I'm anticipating the hero freeing himself from his mundane guardians, it's that the plot itself doesn't really begin until Harry gets away from the Dursleys. I'm also getting tired of the whole Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher thing. You'd think if they were willing to give Snape a full-time job, they could find a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher who wasn't evil, a fraud, or a fucking werewolf.

7. Speaking of Snape, so far I find him the most intriguing character in the series. I'm very curious to see, when push comes to shove, who he'll be standing with.

(And that is NOT an invitation for spoilers. Seriously, if anyone spoils the rest of the series for me, I will hunt you down and burn your comic books.)

6. I think I commented in my first top ten list about Harry Potter that I had difficulty taking characters seriously with names like "Dumbledore" and "Voldemort." I think Rowling crossed the line with this book. I mean, I can eventually forget that the two most powerful wizards in her fictional world have names that make them sound like lawn gnomes, but naming the head of the Ministry of Magic Cornelius Fudge is beyond the pale. I mean come the fuck on. Dude. I mean. DUDE.

5. It's really tough trying to NOT be spoiled. I managed for years to keep myself far away from any mention of the last episode of The Sopranos until I finally managed to see it for myself on DVD. Unfortunately, I ended up figuring out quite a bit of Prisoner of Azkaban's plot by doing nothing more than stopping by IMDB because I was curious about who played who in the film. This revealed that Gary Oldman played the "villain" Sirius Black and that the character appears in at least two other Harry Potter films. And in spite of the fact that you're lead to believe he's a bad guy, the IMDB photos show Potter and Black looking like they're buddies. That revelation lead to me figuring out most of big reveals, though I was wrong in some small parts (e.g., I figured out that Black was hiding as an animal but I was wrong about which one - I thought Black was Hermione's new cat, not the dog, because I assumed the dog was actually Lupin because I'd already figured out he was a werewolf).

And as an example of what I assume is another fairly big spoiler, I also find it curious that, according to IMDB, Black doesn't appear in Half-Blood Prince or either of the last two films currently in production.

(Again, keep your mouths SHUT please.)

4. My opinion of the Hogwarts faculty is not dissimilar from my opinion of the Jedi council. They're supposed to be incredibly powerful, incredibly smart, and to be able to see what the rest of us can't, but time and again they prove themselves unable to find their own assholes unless they have a thirteen year old boy around to poke it for them.

3. With each book, it's becoming more and more clear that in the world of Harry Potter, the most powerful threat to the world may very well be the result of a bunch of guys at a high school not liking each other very much. I think Rowling may have a few issues concerning her teenage years.

2. In all seriousness, while I liked the first two books, I think this is the one that officially hooked me. It's the first one that shows some real growth in the main characters and the first one to more blatantly lay groundwork for the following books.

1. I see the series getting a little bit darker, a little bit more "grown-up" but I feel like the transition is awkward. One minute Harry is filled with a red-hot, vengeful rage, swearing silent oaths to cut through the ranks of his parents' old enemies like a wild samurai, and the next he's a whiny little shithead about not being able to go to the sweets shop with his friends. Priorities, dude.

Top 10 Reactions upon finishing Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

10. Every time I see Ron Weasley's scared/surprised face, which seems to be pretty much the only face he makes, it makes me want to punch a baby.



9. I'm happy to see Gollum was able to get work after melting in Mt. Doom.



8. I don't care if I were a wizard or a witch or a house elf or what. If I had to actually tell people. "Yeah, I'm a Hufflepuff," I'd shoot myself in the fuckin' head.

7. Well in the first book there was just "muggles." Now there's mudbloods, squibs, and parselmouths. Rowling is better with racial slurs than Archie Bunker.

6. Anyone else think these wealthy, intelligent, super-powerful wizards could do with installing a video camera? A couple of motion sensors?

5. Why isn't Hermione the main character? I realize magic is handled differently in different fantasy series, but I'm pretty sure one of the universal factors is that wizards can generally cast spells. Harry doesn't seem to, like, use...magic. He mainly just gets attacked by monsters, and then Dumbledore's stuff flies to him at just the right moment so he doesn't die. Hermione, on the other hand, actually casts spells. In a fight, I'm betting on her.

4. Why does all the bad stuff lead back to Voldemort? Harry Potter's world needs a more diverse Rogue's Gallery. Some dude with an island. Moon rockets. Some robots and shit.

3. In the film, Branagh is frikkin' hilarious. I guess everyone's good for something.

2. Are there only English wizards? Is there an American magic school where they do special cowboy magic or something?

1. I read "Chamber of Secrets" and I think "Vagina."

Top 10 Potential Titles For My Future Books

10. The World's Not Going to Blow Up or Anything Like That So Shut the Fuck Up: An Argument Against Your Stupid Beliefs by Michileen Martin

9. Oh, SNAP!: Why I'm Better than Crackle and Pop, and How I Beat Heroin Addiction! by Snap (ghost written by Michileen Martin)



8. Your Mother: She Sucks, Why She Sucks, What that Means, and the Battle of Vicksburg by Michileen Martin

7. I did NOT Kill Kurt Cobain, But I DID Have Sex With His Wife: A Random Sampling of 3,586 Seattle Males by Michileen Martin

6. The Morally Confusing Adventures of Kid Hitler by Michileen Martin

5. The Bible II: The B-Sides by Michileen Martin

4. Do You Assholes REALLY Think I'm REALLY Excited About All this Bullshit?: The Unauthorized Biography of Stan Lee by Michileen Martin



3. Glen Danzig: A Life by Michileen Martin

2. If It Doesn't Have Peanut Butter and/or Cheese, You're an Asshole: A Mick Martin Cookbook by Michileen Martin

1. Twilight by Stephen King (I'll fucking rake it in)

Top 10 Initial Reactions After Reading 170 Pages of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

10. At this point, I have asked my girlfriend twice the correct pronunciation of "Hermione." She has answered me both times. And I have almost immediately forgotten the answer. Both times.

So, from now on, I am simply referring to her as --



Or, perhaps, Annoying Bossy Bitch.

9. Hagrid the giant finds Harry with his adoptive parents - The Dursleys. The Dursleys don't like Hagrid or anything that reminds them of Harry's magical origins. During their meeting, Mr. Dursley insults Dumbledore (the headmaster of Hogwart's to whom Hagrid is very loyal), which angers Hagrid to no end. In retaliation, Hagrid uses his magic to sprout a pig tail out of the ass of Mr. Dursley's biological son, Dudley.

With this, Hagrid teaches Harry Potter one of the first rules of the aspiring Columbian druglord: when someone fucks with you, don't maim THEM. Maim their children.

8. "Muggles." That's awesome. J.K. Rowling came up with a racial slur for people who are born with inferior abilities. I sure hope that kinda stuff catches on in central Europe.

7. A conversation between me and my girlfriend (who has read all the books and convinced me to try out this first one):

MARYANN: How far did you get? Is he in the school yet?

ME: Yep.

MARYANN: Did you get to the Sorting Hat part yet?

ME: Yep. Harry and Ron are both in Tribe Survivor. They're forming an alliance to kick Neville off the island. He's a fucker.

6. Names are important. If Lucas hadn't chosen to create a villain whose name - Dooku - sounds like what toddlers call their shit, Attack of the Clones would only have been a complete waste of time and not a complete fucking waste of time.

Likewise, here we have characters with names like Dumbledore and Voldemort. My understanding is the books gradually mature in tone and content. And it is difficult for me to imagine taking seriously a dark, mature story featuring characters with names that make them sound like lawn gnomes.

5. Quidditch? Why is it even fictional English sports sound like synonyms for either knitting or pastry?

4. "Oh I can't say the name of You-Know-Who!"
"Oh, they teamed up with You-Know-Who!"
"You don't mean You-Know-Who?"
"I heard he worked for You-Know-Who!"
"They say it has something to do with You-Know-Who!"

VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
MACBETH!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!

3. Wait for it...wait for it...

...

...

Hulkcouldtotallykickharry'sass

2. So apparently in the films first they had Richard Harris playing Dumbledore. Then he died, so they got Michael Gambon.

And strangely, when I read the book, all I can think of is Ian McKellen.

1. So far the verdict is...I don't think it sucks. The first couple of chapters were tedious. The whole "oh look at the magical boy being smothered by the normal, boring people" bullshit had me yawning, but once it got going, it got going. I don't know if I'll be dying to read one book after the other, but so far it isn't a bad read.

Top 10 Things I've Learned While Re-Reading The Odyssey

10. I always figured goddesses would be great in bed, but that they would be kind of picky about who they would sleep with. Apparently I was wrong. If a stiff breeze goes by, they open up for it.

9. People in the ancient world were stupid. They weren't pawns of fate or irony, they were just stupid. If a goddess tells you that, whatever you do, do NOT kill and eat the cattle on this one specific island, especially since she just gave you a whole bunch of free food, it's not fated that you'll do it anyway. It's not ironic. It just means you're stupid. It's pretty easy to not do it. It is, in fact, kind of tough to succeed in doing what she tells you not to do. Yet people in the ancient world managed to go right on ahead and do it, along with every other thing that they weren't supposed to do. It's really kind of surprising anyone survived. They were very stupid people.

8. If Homer has Character A tell Character B a story, and then Character C asks Character B what Character A said, Homer is much more likely to retell the entire story word-for-word even though you just read it, rather than just write "Character B told Character C the dealio." Homer is an asshole.

7. Every time Greek people see a bird, they shit their pants and think Zeus is trying to tell them something.

6. Social networking is hardly a recent phenomenon. In the ancient world, everyone knew who everyone else was. And everyone helped sack Troy. In fact, so many people helped sack Troy, I don't think there was anyone in Troy to be sacked.

5. Apparently, all you have to do is tell a king he's a cool guy and he'll feed you for months, offer you his daughters, and send you home at his expense with piles of treasure.

4. The Hulk would've totally made it back to Ithaca in time. He can jump.

3. Everyone in the ancient world had a larder mistress, which sounds gross.

2. I don't think the whole thing about Helen's face launching a thousand ships is true. In the ancient world, everyone had chicks who gave them baths. And if you got tired of your bath chicks, you just went over to your buddy's place and had his bath chicks give you a bath. In other words, considering how many underwater handjobs a guy could get on a daily basis in Ancient Greece, I find it tough to believe that anyone was horny enough to start a war over it.

1. Gods, generally speaking, are assholes.

Top 10 Fictional Review Blurbs For The Novel I Haven't Written

10. "Martin weaves the mythic elements of his story with the mundane and personal so seamlessly, it makes me want to shit." -Publishers Weekly

9. "I'm glad I don't have to read this out loud because I can't pronounce his name." -Newsweek

8. "This book is so good, we might just let him in if he stops doing that shit with those hookers who dress up like Cheetara." -Jesus

7. "Before reading this novel, I would never have thought so many references to Hitler, breasts, and the Incredible Hulk could say anything meaningful about childhood hunger. But Martin makes it work. God knows how, but he makes it work." -Booklist

6. "The book is so phenomenal, I bet every woman Mick ever wanted to have sex with who DIDN'T have sex with him - or dumped him - feels really, really sorry about it. They should probably write Mick a letter saying so. With nude pictures in a vain attempt to correct their error. And little wet marks where their stupid tears rained down on the paper." -Kirkus Reviews

5. "The world Martin creates - using both familiar pop culture icons and more autobiographical elements - says something about America that is important, timely, and yet ironically dealt with such matter-of-fact apathy that the reader must work that much harder to see beyond the more romantic elements which, while satisfactorily distracting, are like a big and ugly noise drowning out a prophetic songbird." -Dog the Bounty Hunter

4. "Glub. Bubble. Glub Glub." -Aquaman

3. "Mick Martin? Pfft. More like Mick MOTHERFUCKING Martin!" -Christian Science Monitor

2. "Monkeys. Heavy Metal. Fishnet Stockings. Macaroni and Cheese. Genius? Maybe. Maybe not. But someone published it, and that says something." -Christopher Lee

1. "I could've been fucking. But instead I read this book." -William Shatner

Top 10 Reasons Why Lord of the Rings Is Better Than Star Wars

10. I am fairly certain that neither J.R.R. Tolkien nor Peter Jackson had the motto "Blue Screen Solves Every Problem" tattooed to their asses.

To be fair, the special effects of the original Star Wars films were revolutionary for their time. That's part of the irony. I feel very strongly that - in spite of the obvious improvements in special effects between the production of the original films and that of the prequels - the special effects of the original films worked better and were, in fact, more believable than those of the prequels.

I was particularly struck by this when they started heavily promoting Revenge of the Sith. Their first teaser trailer for Sith had very few clips from the film itself, and instead had clips from all the preceding films. In one part, you see Luke in the original film on Tattooine, looking at the planet's twin suns. In another, there was a shot from Attack of the Clones, with Darth Jr. on his speeder heading for the Sand People, and in the background - once again - you see the planet's two suns. The first shot looked like what it was supposed to look like - a guy staring at two suns. The latter shot looked like an asshole in front of blue screen.

In other words, the effects of the original Star Wars films, and those of Lord of the Rings, were there to do what special effects in films of the fantastic are supposed to do - suspend the viewers' disbelief and draw them into the fictional world. Whereas the CGI of the prequels was there to make you think "Wow! Cool CGI!"

9. Stories written by writers can be fun!

8. Most of the actors involved with Lord of the Rings went on to do more than cartoon voices and lame comic-book related Christopher-Guest-rip-off mockumentaries.

7. Lord of the Rings did not attempt to shove a faux Eastern religion down the throats of its audience.

6. When villains in Lord of the Rings get burnt all to shit by lava, they actually die.

5. When Gandalf found a race of goofy diminutives, they didn't try to eat him.

4. As far as I know, no principal characters in Lord of the Rings - in either the books or the films - french kissed their sisters.

3. Christopher Lee played a villain in both film franchises, but in Lord of the Rings he wasn't given a name that toddlers use to describe SHIT.

2. No Jar Jar.

1. The books are better. The movies are better. Simple as that.

Top 10 Reasons Why The Incredible Hulk Should Have Been In Lord of the Rings

10. Hulk jumps = much shorter trip to Mordor.

9. Hulk vs. Sauron. Hulk wins.

8. The siege of Gondor. Hulk has shrugged off bullets, tank shells, missiles, and nuclear blasts. I don't think a bunch of swords and spears and punk rock elephants would've posed much of a challenge.

7. Hulk vs. Balrog. Hulk wins.

6. Hulk is cool. Dwarves are cool. Dwarves and Hulk would totally get along. So the orcs and the balrog would never have taken over Moria because the Hulk would've smashed them all. The Fellowship would've arrived at Moria to much alcohol and meat. And advances from short women with beards. Problem solved. Though dwarf syphilis would run rampant.

5. Would give the Hulk another chance to beat the shit out of Iron Man. This would not have helped the Fellowship, but I would've enjoyed it.

4. Hulk vs. Legolas. Hulk wins. Shield-surfing scene never happens.

3. Hulk could've brought along She-Hulk, which would've helped stem all the gay jokes about the sausage party Fellowship.

2. Hulk would've smashed the ship that brought Gandalf, the elves, and Frodo to the Grey Havens. Then he would've realized this would mean he'd have to hang out with the elves more. Then he would've smashed the elves. The lack of elves would cancel Christmas, which would do away with a capitalist holiday that causes more harm than good.

1. The Ring corrupts through the promise of power. If you gave The Ring to Hulk, it would be like using casual sex to tempt a rock star. The Hulk is already the strongest one there is, and so the Ring would have no effect.

Top 10 Worst Discrepancies Between the Lord of the Rings Books And Films

10. The savage men of Rohan. Now these guys were in the film, but for the life of me, I have no idea why. There's a scene that shows them swearing fealty to Saruman, and he gives them a big speech to get them all fired up. And then they proceed to have pretty much nothing to do with the unfolding story. In the books, the savage men fight on the side of the orcs at Helm's Deep, and afterwards they actually make peace with Theoden after years of conflict, and you're made to think it's a pretty significant moment in Rohan's history. But none of that was in the film, so I just don't get why they were in it at all, other than to give Peter Jackson yet another cameo. Not a huge complaint, but I think it was an example of where Jackson and co. failed to either shit or get off the pot.

9. Balin and Gloin. Gloin and Balin were two of the dwarves that accompanied Bilbo on his journeys in The Hobbit. While Gloin is not mentioned during the film version of The Council of Elrond (except when Elrond says "Gimli, son of Gloin"), in the books he is one of the dwarves in the Council (and actually has a lot more dialogue in that scene than Gimli), and since Gimli is accompanied by other anonymous dwarves in the film scene, it's likely one of those faceless shorties is supposed to be Gloin. Balin is the dead dwarf whose tomb the Fellowship finds in Moria. And in the book, it is made clear that a couple of Bilbo's other former companions died in Moria (unless I'm mistaken, the journal Gandalf reads from mentions one of them being killed by the big octopus thing in the water at the entrance). The fact that these characters actually played significant parts in the story preceding Fellowship, and therefore the story of the Ring itself, and that this connection isn't mentioned at all, is a little disappointing, especially since we do see both Gimli and Gandalf clearly upset about Balin's death. Not a huge complaint, but just a little disappointing.

8. Merry, Pippin, and Gimli. I think the respective actors playing these roles did fine jobs. Still, I was disappointed that all three basically became nothing but comic relief in the films. I have less of a complaint with Gimli, because honestly in the books his character is no more distinguishable from that of any other dwarf than Legolas's is from any other elf, but Merry and Pippin have a bit more going for them. But in the films they pretty much became R2D2 and C3P0. One thing people who haven't read the books might be surprised to learn, for example, is the manner in which they join Frodo on his journeys is a lot different in Tolkien's version. As I mentioned in yesterday's list, in the books there's a span of twenty years between the time Bilbo leaves the Shire and when Frodo leaves the Shire. And Frodo takes a LOT of time to prepare for his journey. Specifically, he does a lot of things to hide the fact that he's leaving on a journey, and he buys a house closer to the borders of the Shire to help explain his absence from Bag End. Merry and Pippin are brought along just to help him move initially, but eventually they figure out what's going on and volunteer to help get Frodo to Rivendell. It's a lot different from just having them tag along after nearly tumbling into a pile of horse shit.

7. Saruman's death (or lack thereof). While we get to see Saruman bite the big one in the extended version of Return of the King, he's completely absent from the theatrical version. And that just plain sucked. He pretty much was the only major villain with an actual body that we got in the first two films, and we were just left hanging about what happened to him? Not to mention the fact that Pippin's discovery of the Palanthir makes no sense without Saruman's death scene. I mean, what the fuck are we supposed to think? Saruman was like all, "Dude, look at all that water! I'm pissed! I'm gonna throw stuff into it! Including the most powerful glowy thing I own! That'll show 'em!"

6. The wizards' staves. Maybe I'm just stupid, but I've read Lord of the Rings three times, and I never got any kind of sense that the wizards' staves were supposed to be the focus of their powers. I get that Jackson didn't want to have them doing things like shooting lasers and bolts of lightning, because that would look pretty cheesy. But still, these guys aren't wizards in the sense that Dungeons & Dragons magic-users are wizards. They aren't just normal guys who read a lot of freaky shit. They're basically demi-gods. Having their staves be some kind of center for their power made no sense to me.

5. The eagles. One thing that didn't come through as strongly in the movies as it did in the books was the idea that on Middle Earth animals are both sentient and intelligent. The result is that I think a lot of people didn't get the involvement of the eagles. When Gandalf talks to that little moth on top of Orthanc (Saruman's tower, where he was being held hostage), he isn't summoning the eagles for help, he's basically asking an old bud for a favor. And when the eagles show up at the end to kick some ring-wraith ass, Gandalf doesn't summon them, they show up on their own because they understand the gravity of the situation. But the way it was handled in the film made it look like they were just something Gandalf could summon any time he wanted to, which led to the question of why he didn't just have one of them carry the Ring to Mount Doom and drop the fucking thing in.

4. The broken staircase in Moria. A lot of people dug this scene. I didn't. It was okay up to a point, and led to the funny "NOT THE BEARD!" line from Gimli, but watching Aragorn and Frodo surf on a giant broken stone staircase just looked stupid to me.

3. Denethor. I just felt this guy wasn't handled with any sympathy. We never learn, for example, that Denethor was in possession of a Palanthir (the same swirly, crystal ball thing Saruman had), and that it was largely the Palanthir that drove him insane. Not to mention the fact that the responsibility he shoulders is pretty immense. It is basically the city he rules that stands between Middle Earth and absolute destruction. And as I mentioned before on another list, having Gandalf bonk him on the head with his staff was just so many kinds of dumb. I don't care how crazy he was. Every Gondorian soldier in sight would've skewered Gandalf's bearded ass if they had seen him do that.

2. Boromir. Sean Bean did a wonderful job, but he did a wonderful job with a character who was a pale imitation of Boromir. The Boromir of the books was flawed, definitely, but he was brave and was clearly shown to be one of the most powerful warriors of the Fellowship, maybe THE most powerful. The way he was handled in the film lets you know right off the bat that he's going to turn to the dark side. Yeah, he redeems himself in the end, but his death just doesn't seem to hold as much weight because you always knew it was going to happen. It's interesting to think about this when you watch the extended versions of Fellowship and Two Towers. A lot of the scenes that were cut were ones that showed Boromir in a much kinder light. For example, there's a scene in the extended Fellowship that shows the group right after Gandalf's "death" in Moria. They're sitting around in one of the elven tree stands in the forest, because the elves are arguing with Aragorn about whether or not to let them through. In the meantime, you see the assembled members of the group giving Frodo these sideways glances, and you get the idea that maybe they're secretly blaming Frodo for Gandalf's death. Boromir is the only one to say anything comforting to Frodo - "You carry a great burden, Frodo. Do not carry the weight of the dead." Likewise, towards the end of the film there's an argument between Boromir and Aragorn about where to bring the Ring, and for once Boromir actually starts making more sense than Aragorn. A flashback sequence was cut from Two Towers as well, in which we see - among other things - Boromir defending Faramir from their abusive, overbearing father. I understand why they were cut. I assume Jackson and co., strapped for time, felt they shouldn't invest so much in a character who wouldn't survive the first film. Still, as a Tolkien fan, it's a shame.

1. Legolas surfboarding on a shield down the steps of Helm's Deep while shooting orcs. Do I need to explain the stupid of this? Do I need to talk about the unfortunate influence Orlando Bloom's experience with a certain Disney franchise had on Lord of the Rings? I don't think so.

Top 10 Best Discrepancies Between the Lord of the Rings Books And Films

10. The absence of Tom Bombadil. Unlike a lot of Tolkien fans who read the books before the release of the films, I really couldn't have given two shits about this character's presence in the adaptation of Fellowship. The main reason for his exclusion seems fairly obvious. It's the same reason for the time discrepancy between the books and the films (for those who have never read the books, or maybe have read them but have forgotten, somewhere around twenty years are supposed to pass between the time of Bilbo's birthday party and when Frodo finally leaves the Shire with Sam, Merry, and Pippin). Jackson and co. were trying to create a sense of urgency. The hobbits have the ring - which basically puts a big honking target on their backs - and nine of the most dangerous creatures ever to walk middle-earth, the ring wraiths, are on their tail. Maintaining that desperate sense of urgency in a film would be next to impossible if you decide to stage a little interlude in which the hobbits hang out with some cheery fat guy who dances around forests and sings to trees. And while Bombadil seems important to the overall Tolkien mythology, when it comes to the actual story of the Ring, he's a pretty minor character. Even peripheral characters like Radagast the Brown, the Sackville Bagginses, and Glorfindel are more directly important to the story than fat ol' Tom.

9. The battle between the Rohirrim and the Worg riders in The Two Towers. There was no such fight in the book, and I was happy to see it in the film mainly because of another discrepancy. In the books, the Fellowship fight a ravenous pack of worgs right before they go into Moria. In fact, the presence of the worgs is one of the main reasons why they decide to brave Moria. Since that fight wasn't in the first film - and since they had little to nothing to do with the rest of the story - I was afraid that we wouldn't get any worgie goodness at all in any of the flicks (there were a few in Return of the King during the siege of Gondor, but not many).

8. The Council of Elrond. This scene, in the book, is long. Arguably, too long. Maybe. I don't know. Depends on your tastes. Definitely not the best written portion of the books. You find out a lot of cool stuff about what's going on in the world that isn't 100% directly relevant to the story. But if you're someone like me who enjoys learning about the peripheral stuff in Tolkien's world, it's pretty cool. But still, translated word-for-word on screen it wouldn't have worked. I mean, even if they cut half the stuff out it would've been too long. For example, one of the biggest differences between this scene in the book and the film is that in the book, neither Elrond nor anyone else summoned all these people to Rivendell. They all just kind of end up showing up at the same time for different reasons. Boromir's there because of a prophetic dream. The dwarves are there because Sauron's people have been knocking on their doors and trying to turn them to the dark side, while at the same time while they don't know exactly what's happened in Moria, they've lost contact with Moria and are worried about their fellow shorties. The way it's done in the film comes out much more smoothly. The one difference I'm not sure about is Bilbo's absence. Though his presence in the Council isn't really, really important or anything, it does show a lot about his character and his continued obsession with the ring when he volunteers to take the ring to Mordor himself.

7. Aerwyn. Her character is just a little blip on the screen in the books. I thought the long-distance love story turned out quite nicely, and her character simply meant a lot more in the films. I am glad that Jackson and co. didn't go as far as they originally intended, however. According to the behind-the-scenes stuff in the extended editions, Jackson actually filmed scenes in which Aerwyn showed up at Helm's Deep in The Two Towers with the rest of the elf contingent. That would've been going way too far. Plus, if Aerwyn had been at Helm's Deep, how would you explain her going away after being reunited with Aragorn? And if she didn't go away, how could you have that nice, gooey reunion in Minas Tirith at the end?

6. The Scouring of the Shire. I think this is another place where I differ with a lot of Tolkien fans. In the books, the four hobbits return to the Shire to learn that a bunch of evil humans have taken over the Shire and have essentially enslaved the populace. The leader of the humans is eventually revealed to be Saruman. Now, unlike Bombadil, I do think the Scouring is important to the story because the four hobbits are able to handle the situation without any "big folk" to help them, and it shows just how much they've changed since they left. It also shows that even their idyllic little slice of heaven could be corrupted by the evil that was threatening the rest of Middle Earth. Still, its absence in the films was necessary mainly for two reasons. First, after the siege of Gondor, the battle at the Black Gate, and the destruction of the Ring, "Riot in Hobbit Town" couldn't have seemed like anything BUT anticlimax. Second, dude, do you know how long I'd been holding in my pee by that point already? Forget it.

5. Bree. In the book, there's a lot more stuff that happens in Bree. There's this whole drama involving a guy who's basically been bribed by the ring wraiths, there's the story of how Sam gets his mule, a story about the innkeeper and his connection with Gandalf, and some of it is kind of neat. Still, the movie would've been something like a half hour longer with all of it in there. And there are a few things that happen in Bree in the books that are just plain stupid. For example, one of the hobbits (either Merry or Pippin, I forget which, though I think it's Merry) end up running into a couple of the ring wraiths, and they cast some spell on him that puts him to sleep...for no discernible reason. They don't follow him to his buddies once he wakes up, they just put him to sleep. Kind of makes you wonder why they didn't just cut the little shit in half. It's kind of silly. I never got that.

4. The love affair between Legolas and Boromir. I just always skipped that part of the books. Not trying to be narrow-minded, it was just icky. And I don't care if he's an elf, I don't see how he could have that many piercings down there.

3. All of Elrond's martial arts fights with Neo. I just never thought they were relevant. Figured they should make a whole separate movie for that.

2. How Tolkien told the stories of The Two Towers and Return of the King. In the books, Tolkien completely separates the stories once the Fellowship splits. So, for example, when you read The Two Towers, it starts off with Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn going after the Uruk-hai who captured Merry and Pippin, and the first half ends with the Battle of Helm's Deep. During that whole time, you never see or hear anything about Sam and Frodo. Then, the second half of the story starts with Sam and Frodo beginning their journey, and ends right after the fight with, um, the big spider whose name I'm forgetting and am too lazy to find out even though the books are, like, ten feet away from me, oh HELL, hold on...SHELOB! Heh, remembered before I even got to the books. Well, anyway, I guess it goes without saying, but having the movies unfold that way would have been pretty damn stupid. Though, I do think it worked very well in the books.

1. All the FUCKING singing. Yeah, there was some singing in the films. And there was a little bit more singing in the extended versions, but NEITHER had all the goddamned singing that's in the books. That, more than anything, should be enough to dissuade any Tolkien purists who think it should've been adapted word-for-word. If it had, it would've been a fucking musical.

Uncle Ick's Top 10 6 Reactions To Today's News

THIS

10. Christ, not again.

9. Maybe I shouldn't even bother finishing Infinite Jest.

8. The day after I write 15 new pages of a novel I haven't touched in over a year, and one of the only living authors I can rightly call a "favorite" does this. I'm not saying it's providence or a sign or anything. Just strange.

7. I guess refusing to subscribe to cable TV or even hook up rabbit ears doesn't render me immune to hearing bad news.

6. I don't feel funny right now and I don't feel like finishing this list.

5. Hey, David. I hope you've found peace. Seriously. And FUCK YOU.

Top 10 Reasons Why David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest Is Pissing Me Off

10. My hardcover copy of Infinite Jest is close to 1,000 pages long - close to 1100 if you count the footnotes. I'm a little over 150 pages into the thing and am reminded of the exact moment when, as a teenager, I decided to stop reading Stephen King. The last King novel I bothered with was The Tommyknockers. Somewhere between 200 and 250 pages into the thing, I realized I had yet to get the slightest inkling of what the fuck was going on. All I remember now is that some woman was digging up something in the woods, some poet was heading to the woman who was digging up the thing, and some guy was fantasizing about titfucking a postal worker. While I had enjoyed other phone-book-length works by King like It and The Stand, The Tommyknockers just didn't hold the same interest and the effort hardly seemed worth it. I mentally made a note that if I ever became a bestselling author I wouldn't hate my editors as much as King obviously did, and probably went and read a comic book.

9. If you read my blog a couple of days ago you might recall that I have recently decided, in order to help my writing, to keep a notebook with me while reading so that I can mark down any words I don't know the definitions to and find the meanings later. Infinite Jest is making this ridiculously hard. I've filled over two pages of a notebook - with two rows per page - with words found in only 66 pages of Infinite Jest. Crepuscular. Murate. Mythopoeia. Carminative. Agnate. Erumpent. Ileum. Pimatribe. Sangfroid. Creosote. Osseous. And I can guess the meanings of most of the words by how he uses them, but I said I would look them up and write them down, and if I want to stick to the code I have to do it. Verbose bastard.

8. As mentioned in #10, though a novel, Infinite Jest has approximately 100 pages of footnotes. Many simply clarify references to real and (maybe, I don't even know) fictional drugs. But some are actually chapters all to themselves. It can get a little frustrating finding your place in the story after spending Hulk knows how long reading the damn footnotes.

7. Because of the footnotes, I'm actually using two bookmarks - one for the story and one for the footnotes section. I just don't like carrying the thing around. I feel like people are going to see me with this big-ass book with two bookmarks in them and think I either read novels in a very strange manner, or that I'm just a republican moron.

6. Reading a page of Infinite Jest is not like reading a page of another novel. It is sometimes a bit like reading 19th century British literature in that Wallace finds ways to make sentences last for days. Many chapters are just one long, square, daunting paragraph. And each paragraph contains at least a half-dozen sentences that stretch on and on, particularly when he uses the voice of one of his more uneducated characters and purposely misspells every other word in doing so. Like writing "pernt" instead of "point."

5. I try to read at least a novel a week. I read a lot, but I'm no speed reader. And I limit myself to one novel in part because I'm usually also trying to read one non-fiction book and perhaps a book of poetry or drama at the same time. I worked it out. Reading Infinite Jest in one week would mean reading around 150 pages of it per day. I could read 150 pages of just about any novel in a day, but not Infinite Jest. So I decided to give myself two weeks for it instead. That means about 66 pages per day. And it's still a fucking monster. I've considered extending it to three weeks, but Christ I'd like to read another novel sometime this year.

4. No Hulk.

3. Glen Danzig.

2. In spite of everything, it truly is an incredible novel. So, unlike The Tommyknockers, I just can't shove it back in my bookcase and forget it.

1. At one point I find myself reading one of the longer footnotes listing the filmography of the main character's dead father, which include things like documentaries interviewing actors who are named John Wayne but are not the John Wayne everyone knows about, realize the music I'm blasting in my living room is a punk-tinged, surf-rock instrumental by the only band I like whose name ends with a question mark - Man or Astroman?, and the only other band I know whose name ends in a question mark is Therapy? and they suck though their cover of "Where Eagles Dare" by The Misfits is actually not bad - that the name of the instrumental is "The Man from F.U.C.K. Y.O.U.," and realize that no, no, I really AM one strange motherfucker.