Last night I saw something that I hope changed my life. I don't want to say it did change my life. I've learned that I am far too quick to make dramatic statements like that. I guess it's better to say that I saw something that could change my life.
I saw a film called Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai. The lead character is played by Forrest Whitaker, and is a professional killer for the mob who adopts the ancient code of the samurai as transcribed in a Japanese text called The Hagakure.
It wasn't the greatest movie ever made. Could've been better. My biggest gripe was with all the annoying scenes where Whitaker drove around town at night listening to music. And my only problem with them is that they seemed to have no point other than to say "Hey look, he's bad-ass, and he listens to cool music."
Actually, to be honest I did have one other gripe. Ghost Dog has declared the mobster Louie his master, though it's made obvious that while he intends to always stay loyal to Louie, he neither trusts Louie nor likes him very much. In one scene he points his gun at Louie's head, and he actually shoots him twice in the arm (though to be fair, you eventually learn he did it more for Louie's benefit than his own). My gripe here is that, as far as I know, it was considered an unpardonable crime for a samurai to even unintentionally point a weapon at his master, even if the master were too far away for the weapon to have any chance to cause him harm.
But again, to be fair, I know this only because I read the manga Lone Wolf and Cub, and I'm not sure how much I should trust that info.
So anyway, throughout the film Whitaker reads the viewer passages from The Hagakure meant to be relevant to whatever's going on in the film at that moment. The following passage is what got to me:
It is bad when one thing becomes two. One should not look for anything else in the Way of the Samurai. It is the same for anything that is called a Way. If one understands things in this manner, he should be able to hear about all Ways and be more and more accord with his own.
Don't get me wrong, I don't plan on buying a sword and finding a daimyo (Japanese feudal lord). What got to me was the message that one should choose a path and, while walking it, not thinking the path will lead him to other things. I need to stop thinking that writing will bring me things, in other words, other than the stories I write. I need to stop caring. I need to write to write. I need to finally choose a path and walk down it, rather than allowing doubt to rule me as much as it has.
I have to mention - in order to prove what a ridiculous, automatic comic book geek I am - that upon reading "It is bad when one thing becomes two," the first thing that sprang to mind was the Hulk.
Immediately after watching the film, I jumped on my laptop and wrote myself a code.
I printed out multiple copies, and plan to nail it to every room in my apartment. I'll also carry one with me wherever I go. And I doubt it's finished. I'll probably be adding new rules forever.
Let me make something clear, particularly to anyone who reads this who also writes - this is MY code. I am not saying this is a universal code for writers. I know what is good for me. I know what I need to do. This IS a writing manifesto, but it is meant only for me. If you take some wisdom away from it, great. But I am not making an argument here for how people should write.
Oh, and it's okay to laugh at some of them. Some of them will probably seem kind of silly. Hell, most things seem silly to me. That's probably why I'm going to Hell.
I'm going to be 34 in a few days, so this might be some kind of mid-life crisis. But what the hell. Have I got anything better to do?
MICHILEEN MARTIN’S WRITING CODE
1. WRITE
You need to write. A writer who has great ideas for things to write but doesn’t write them is not a writer. He is a dreamer. You must dream, but you also must learn to wake up.
2. WRITE EVERY DAY
You must choose a reasonable amount of story to write every day. You may gladly go past the minimum, but you must not fall short of it.
3. WRITE FOR WRITING’S SAKE
You must not write for reward. You must not write for money, respect, or the attention of women. You must not write to appear creative, intelligent, sensitive, insightful, or perceptive to others. You must not write to change the world or to rally the souls of others to a cause.
4. KNOW WORDS
You must know words. When reading, you should keep a notebook at your side at all times. If you come across a word you do not recognize or one to which you do not know the meaning, write it down. After you are done reading, find the definitions of all the words you have catalogued. Write the definitions next to the words. Not only can you keep the notebook for reference, but the act of writing the definition will help you remember.
5. READ
You must read every day. Nothing comes from nothing. Writing does not come from not reading. The words do not come from a void.
6. ORIGINALITY IS A MYTH
It is not necessarily a bad thing to find yourself imitating another author’s writing style. All writers imitate. It is only bad if you are not mindful of what you are doing. Do it, but know you do it. If you imitate and know you imitate, you still help to develop your own style by incorporating what you like from the styles of others. But if you imitate without knowing it, or without acknowledging it, then it is theft and nothing more. Much of writing is theft. You did not create your own words – they were learned. You learned the art of telling a story. You learned the art of writing dialogue and describing things and places and people. They continue to be learned with each word you read that has been penned by hands not your own. But if you imitate without knowing or acknowledging, then it is nothing but theft, and you are not a writer. You are a thief.
7. MUSIC IS OPTIONAL
The presence of music while writing or reading is not necessarily a good or bad thing. But if you listen to music while writing, it is perhaps good to listen to instrumental music rather than songs with lyrics. The words of the songs may invade your writing.
8. YOU WILL SUFFER
If you are a writer, then you will suffer for your writing. You will lose sleep. You will lose money. You may lose employment and lucrative opportunities. You may lose love. You may lose friendship. You may threaten your sanity and lose that too. Know this. Accept this. Do not be ashamed of it.
9. YOU ARE NOT JUST A WRITER
You do not need to neglect the rest of your life. You need to be healthy. You need to live to write. You need to stay safe and warm. If you do not make the money to clothe and house yourself with your writing, you must make it another way. You need friendship and love. Your writing comes first, but it is not all there is.
10. LIVE IN WORDS
Live in words. Play games with them. Love them. To be a writer who does not love words is like being a carpenter who does not savor the scent of wood or who doesn’t gleam with pride at his many tools. Words are all you have. You build with them. You destroy with them. You do not have pictures. You do not have actors. You have words.
11. FICTION IS NOT THE SAME AS LIES
Always remember that truth is different from fact. There is always truth in even the most fantastically conceived story.
12. BE HONEST
Be true to your story. Do not lie with it for the sake of effect. If, for example, you yearn for your hero to fall in a blaze of glory, but know a more genuine ending would be for the hero to fail miserably, to cowardly run from his enemy, or simply to do nothing, then write the truth. Drama for its own sake is legion. The world does not need more of it. Neither do your stories.
13. ALWAYS BE PREPARED TO WRITE
Always have something with you to write. Write while walking or eating or working if possible.
14. IF IT HURTS THE STORY, LET IT GO
Do not let your stories suffer from a line or a scene that you hold dear to your heart but that you know is not true to the story. If it is that precious to you, write it somewhere. Save it. Keep it for another story.
15. WRITE IN THE WORLD
Writing can be isolating. Do not be afraid to write out in the world – to write in cafes or parks or wherever you are comfortable. You must know the world and its people in order to write about them.
16. DO NOT FORCE YOUR WRITING ON OTHERS
Do not shove your work under the noses of those who did not ask for it and who do not want it. But do not be afraid of sharing it with those who ask. A writer wants to show his work. This is not a bad thing. But to feed an animal who is not hungry is to ask for nothing but a wounded hand.
17. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS NEGATIVE FEEDBACK
If a reader tells you they do not like your work, ask them why. Never shun it. Never hate it. Never allow yourself to be angered by it. Many of those readers with such feedback are trying to help. Some simply express themselves honestly without reserve. Others want to be hurtful. You can learn from all three. From those who want to help, accept it – there is no good reason not to. Those who simply wish to express themselves are gifts to you. Embrace them and their words. And even those who want to be hurtful are a boon. If they want to be hurtful, it is perhaps likely that something you have written was hurtful to them. Knowing what has hurt them is good. None of this means that you should change your words for the sake of those who do not like them. Open your arms wide and embrace all feedback. You can always decide what to keep and what to discard.
18. DO NOT BE ASHAMED
Do not be ashamed of what you do. You will find yourself writing in your head even your most mundane of actions, and sometimes you will feel like some paparazzi photographer discarding all morals and values for the sake of your art. A professor once told my class that at his father’s wake, as he approached the corpse, a single moth emerged from the coffin and fluttered away. He knew, even as he stood over his father’s lifeless body, that amidst whatever else he was feeling, he was thinking at that moment of how he could best describe the flight of the moth from the coffin later when he was writing. To be a writer is to know that, in the same situation, the same would be true for you. This is not a bad thing. It can feel like a bad thing. You can feel like a carrion bird picking the bones of life for your art. You are not a vulture. You are a writer. The professor who told the story honored his father with his words – honored him with the truth of his art. If he had not been a writer, if he had not mentally composed prose as the moth emerged, his father would be just as dead. The moth would still have taken flight. And the professor would be no happier or sadder for it.
19. READ YOUR WRITING ALOUD
Read all your words aloud, even if no one else is around. It makes it easier to catch errors, and feel the rhythm of the prose and the story.
20. STRIVE FOR PERFECTION
Strive for perfection. Know you will never find it.
21. KEEP WRITING
It is not always good to try to make every sentence perfect as you first write it. You may stumble and stop writing at a particularly troubling sentence. Move past it. You can always return and change it. Keep writing.
22. DO NOT CARE ABOUT BEING “GOOD” OR “BAD”
There is no such thing as a good writer. There is no such thing as a bad writer. There are simply writers and pretenders. Be the former.
23. FINISH THE WORK
Do not let work go unfinished. If you are in the midst of writing a story and are suddenly struck with doubt, thinking the story you are writing is not good, do not let this stop you. You will not love everything you write. If you are the most acclaimed and prolifically published author in the history of the written word – if you sell more copies than any other writer since the invention of the printing press – you will still not love everything you write. And no one else will ever love everything you write. Finish the story. Remember that even if you firmly believe it is the most horrible thing you have ever written, you can always go back and change it whether or not you are correct about its worth.
24. SEEK KNOWLEDGE
A writer must know things to write things, even if what he writes is as fantastic as Tolkien’s monsters or Asimov’s futuristic epics. Asimov could not have convinced his readers of his futures if he knew nothing about the present and past. Tolkien could not have built a mythic world without knowing about the real one. Read non-fiction as well as fiction. Read history and science. Read magazines and newspapers. Read poetry and drama. Read textbooks and cookbooks. Read instruction manuals. If it is written, read it.
25. DO NOT BE ASHAMED AT YOUR MEAGER BELONGINGS AND CIRCUMSTANCE
You do not need much in the way of material belongings to write. And so you do not need much in the way of material belongings. If people shun you for it, shun those people.
26. DO NOT LIE DOWN WHILE WRITING OR READING
You should never lie down while writing or reading, unless you are sick or otherwise physically incapacitated. This promotes laziness and sleep. If you are not comfortable sitting where you usually write, find a new place to write.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Top 10 Things I'm Wondering About My Coffee Date Today
10. She's an economics professor. Does that mean I definitely should or definitely shouldn't pay for coffee?
9. She's very successful. Me, not so much. Yet. So should I show up in a t-shirt with obscenities on it or no?
8. She's published a lot more than I have. Should I hate her?
7. She has the url to my blog. Should I even be writing this?
6. We have an ongoing joke regarding the immortal ninja vs. pirate debate. She falls on the unfortunate side of pirates. Should I hunt down a ninja action figure before the date and give it to her as a present?
5. I believe she's Christian. So how many Jesus jokes should I make (1-3, 4-6, 7-28)?
4. Does she even know who Glen Danzig is?
3. Should I mention that I was at a rodeo last night?
2. Hunt down a ninja action figure? Why the hell don't I own one?
1. Do I even have any clean shirts without obscenities written on them?
9. She's very successful. Me, not so much. Yet. So should I show up in a t-shirt with obscenities on it or no?
8. She's published a lot more than I have. Should I hate her?
7. She has the url to my blog. Should I even be writing this?
6. We have an ongoing joke regarding the immortal ninja vs. pirate debate. She falls on the unfortunate side of pirates. Should I hunt down a ninja action figure before the date and give it to her as a present?
5. I believe she's Christian. So how many Jesus jokes should I make (1-3, 4-6, 7-28)?
4. Does she even know who Glen Danzig is?
3. Should I mention that I was at a rodeo last night?
2. Hunt down a ninja action figure? Why the hell don't I own one?
1. Do I even have any clean shirts without obscenities written on them?
Friday, August 29, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why I'm Going To A Rodeo Tonight
10. It's better than masturbating.
9. Cowgirls. Hey, why not?
8. There might be an incident in which a rodeo participant or member of the crowd is injured in such a manner that only a succinct explanation of socialist literary theory or the complete history of the Incredible Hulk's different personalities can save them until the ambulance gets there.
7. I don't own any big belt buckles, but I'm willing to learn.
6. If one of my professional dreams comes true, I may one day be called upon to write about a rodeo super-hero. Best to get the relevant info now.
5. Beer.
4. Glen Danzig.
3. It's possible my friends are lying about the rodeo and are actually taking me to a high class brothel.
2. Hey, if you want to go out on a date with me tonight, I'll forget the rodeo. Barring that, don't criticize my choices, shitknuckle. I WAS PUT ON THIS EARTH TO LIVE!
1. I don't think I've actually ever seen a jean skirt up close.
9. Cowgirls. Hey, why not?
8. There might be an incident in which a rodeo participant or member of the crowd is injured in such a manner that only a succinct explanation of socialist literary theory or the complete history of the Incredible Hulk's different personalities can save them until the ambulance gets there.
7. I don't own any big belt buckles, but I'm willing to learn.
6. If one of my professional dreams comes true, I may one day be called upon to write about a rodeo super-hero. Best to get the relevant info now.
5. Beer.
4. Glen Danzig.
3. It's possible my friends are lying about the rodeo and are actually taking me to a high class brothel.
2. Hey, if you want to go out on a date with me tonight, I'll forget the rodeo. Barring that, don't criticize my choices, shitknuckle. I WAS PUT ON THIS EARTH TO LIVE!
1. I don't think I've actually ever seen a jean skirt up close.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Top 10 Worst Flavors For Nicotine Gum
10. Cigarette.
9. Cinnamon Raisin.
8. Glen Danzig.
7. Ex-Girlfriend.
6. Rectum.
5. Marmite.
4. Garmonbozia.
3. Cranberry-Apple.
2. Green.
1. Joy.
9. Cinnamon Raisin.
8. Glen Danzig.
7. Ex-Girlfriend.
6. Rectum.
5. Marmite.
4. Garmonbozia.
3. Cranberry-Apple.
2. Green.
1. Joy.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why I Should Never Get Married
10. I was an usher at my older brother's wedding. I had two important jobs at the wedding. A) Arrange for massages for all the groomsmen before the wedding (WITHOUT happy endings, get your minds out of the gutter) to get us all nice and relaxed, and B) at one point during the ceremony I was required to hand my brother a sash that he gave to the bride to signify her entrance into our family.
After these two relatively simple jobs were done. I got drunk. I got really drunk. I got drunk the way that you think people outside comedies couldn't possibly get drunk. I hit on every woman who wasn't related to me. I broke patio furniture. I apparently exposed myself - NOT on purpose, my brother required all the groomsmen to wear kilts, and I was falling down a lot. My favorite game was to go to a reception table filled with complete strangers, drunkenly demand they all introduce themselves, and then try to impress them by going around the table and saying all their names back to them. The Best Man was given the job of following me around and picking up things that either fell off me or were thrown off me. This included my wallet, keys, tuxedo, dress shirt, and about a dozen condoms. The next morning I woke in a hotel room someone else had to sign for with my credit card - one of the greeters, if I recall, whose wife I had hit on multiple times - because I was too drunk to do it myself. The Best Man had collected so many of my belongings I was running around the hotel in nothing but socks, the kilt, and a t-shirt.
The main reason for the extreme level of my drunken-itude, which BELIEVE ME has never been repeated, was that at the time I was on medication that amplifies the affects of alcohol. I thought that if I stopped taking it five days before the wedding, it would be out of my system. Apparently, I'm not a doctor.
The reason for this story is simple. If I got married, there's pretty much no way I could NOT invite my brother, and he's probably going to want revenge.
9. I spend quite a bit of time trying to stay away from my extended family. Doing something that would necessitate that ALL of them would gather in one place - more importantly in a place where I am present - seems counter-productive.
8. I have no idea who my best man would be. I really don't have many best man candidates. Well, I have a few, but they all live somewhere else now, and haven't spent enough time with me in recent years to say anything cool about me during the reception. I mean, my old buddy Jeff would be a candidate, for example, but if he clinks his glass and demands everyone shut up so he can tell everyone how cool my angsty, emo poems were in high school, I'm gonna punch him in the head.
7. It would be announced in the newspaper, which would give the ninjas an idea where to find me.
6. Sure, there's always eloping, but I hate Vegas. And don't tell me I can elope without going to Vegas. I don't care if I can. If I'm eloping, I'm going to Vegas. If I'm skipping all the window-dressing and going right to the deed without the fanfare, then the guy who marries me is going to be in Vegas, and he's going to be dressed as Elvis. It could be a Space Elvis or a Cowboy Elvis or a Hulk Elvis (preferred), but it will be Elvis. But it won't because I hate Vegas. Which is why I don't want to elope.
5. If I get married, then the terrorists win.
4. Don't really want to deal with every single guest telling my bride stories about Reason #10.
3. Don't want all the other women in the world to sink into depression (ppfffttt..HA HA HA HA HA HA *snort*).
2. I'm not keeping a fucking cake for a year. What kind of insane samurai endurance test is that?
1. If we got divorced, and her lawyer went after my comic books, THERE. WOULD. BE. BLOOD!!!!!
After these two relatively simple jobs were done. I got drunk. I got really drunk. I got drunk the way that you think people outside comedies couldn't possibly get drunk. I hit on every woman who wasn't related to me. I broke patio furniture. I apparently exposed myself - NOT on purpose, my brother required all the groomsmen to wear kilts, and I was falling down a lot. My favorite game was to go to a reception table filled with complete strangers, drunkenly demand they all introduce themselves, and then try to impress them by going around the table and saying all their names back to them. The Best Man was given the job of following me around and picking up things that either fell off me or were thrown off me. This included my wallet, keys, tuxedo, dress shirt, and about a dozen condoms. The next morning I woke in a hotel room someone else had to sign for with my credit card - one of the greeters, if I recall, whose wife I had hit on multiple times - because I was too drunk to do it myself. The Best Man had collected so many of my belongings I was running around the hotel in nothing but socks, the kilt, and a t-shirt.
The main reason for the extreme level of my drunken-itude, which BELIEVE ME has never been repeated, was that at the time I was on medication that amplifies the affects of alcohol. I thought that if I stopped taking it five days before the wedding, it would be out of my system. Apparently, I'm not a doctor.
The reason for this story is simple. If I got married, there's pretty much no way I could NOT invite my brother, and he's probably going to want revenge.
9. I spend quite a bit of time trying to stay away from my extended family. Doing something that would necessitate that ALL of them would gather in one place - more importantly in a place where I am present - seems counter-productive.
8. I have no idea who my best man would be. I really don't have many best man candidates. Well, I have a few, but they all live somewhere else now, and haven't spent enough time with me in recent years to say anything cool about me during the reception. I mean, my old buddy Jeff would be a candidate, for example, but if he clinks his glass and demands everyone shut up so he can tell everyone how cool my angsty, emo poems were in high school, I'm gonna punch him in the head.
7. It would be announced in the newspaper, which would give the ninjas an idea where to find me.
6. Sure, there's always eloping, but I hate Vegas. And don't tell me I can elope without going to Vegas. I don't care if I can. If I'm eloping, I'm going to Vegas. If I'm skipping all the window-dressing and going right to the deed without the fanfare, then the guy who marries me is going to be in Vegas, and he's going to be dressed as Elvis. It could be a Space Elvis or a Cowboy Elvis or a Hulk Elvis (preferred), but it will be Elvis. But it won't because I hate Vegas. Which is why I don't want to elope.
5. If I get married, then the terrorists win.
4. Don't really want to deal with every single guest telling my bride stories about Reason #10.
3. Don't want all the other women in the world to sink into depression (ppfffttt..HA HA HA HA HA HA *snort*).
2. I'm not keeping a fucking cake for a year. What kind of insane samurai endurance test is that?
1. If we got divorced, and her lawyer went after my comic books, THERE. WOULD. BE. BLOOD!!!!!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Top 10 Initial Reactions To An E-mail I Received Inviting Me To Apply To Teach English In Asia
10. It might be a sketchy offer. A lot of the job-application invitations I've received so far via e-mail have been obvious scams. But so far this one seems on the level.
9. The positions available are in China, Taiwan, and South Korea. Guess what two kinds of foods Mick hates to eat? Poultry and seafood.
9. Well, shit, I'd lose weight.
8. Long flight over big ocean. Bad.
7. Most people who do this are fresh out of college in their early twenties. So I'd be the old guy giving the hot Australian girls the creeps.
6. Lost already has a funny fat guy. If there was a plane crash, I might have to fight that other guy to the death.
5. Dammit! Why not Japan? They've got manga! And I actually know someone there!
4. A lot of them offer free housing plus a not-so-bad salary, but I wonder how far the dollar goes over there these days.
3. If I go to China, I will be probably get caned. I don't know what I'd do. It would probably be unintentional. But I would get caned. I know it. I just know it.
2. If a certain family member's condition worsened, it would be pretty much impossible to get back in time.
1. Possible contact with ninjas. Pro or con?
9. The positions available are in China, Taiwan, and South Korea. Guess what two kinds of foods Mick hates to eat? Poultry and seafood.
9. Well, shit, I'd lose weight.
8. Long flight over big ocean. Bad.
7. Most people who do this are fresh out of college in their early twenties. So I'd be the old guy giving the hot Australian girls the creeps.
6. Lost already has a funny fat guy. If there was a plane crash, I might have to fight that other guy to the death.
5. Dammit! Why not Japan? They've got manga! And I actually know someone there!
4. A lot of them offer free housing plus a not-so-bad salary, but I wonder how far the dollar goes over there these days.
3. If I go to China, I will be probably get caned. I don't know what I'd do. It would probably be unintentional. But I would get caned. I know it. I just know it.
2. If a certain family member's condition worsened, it would be pretty much impossible to get back in time.
1. Possible contact with ninjas. Pro or con?
Monday, August 25, 2008
Uncle Ick's Top 10 Initial Reactions To The Trailer for Watchmen
(for reference, the trailer is here)
10. It's gonna suck.
9. It's gonna suck, but people who have never read the graphic novel will think it's great. Then they'll read the graphic novel, and they'll think it sucks. 'Cuz they're stupid.
8. THIS is Dan Dreiberg.
This is NOT Dan Dreiberg.
Come on, you assholes, fat people have exactly ONE super-hero we can be proud of. And you're gonna take him away from us?
7. "Well, let's see guys. Sally Jupiter is a good-looking, curvy gal who looks like she might enjoy a hamburger once in a while. So who should we cast..."
"OH! An anorexic super-model! I never would've thought of that! Good job!"
6. That one shot of The Comedian right after he burns the Vietnamese soldier makes him look a lot like Robert Downey, Jr. But it isn't Robert Downey, Jr. I think they did that on purpose. Fuckers.
5. Where the hell was Doctor Manhattan's cock? It was in the comic! If I go see this and we don't see Doctor Manhattan's little Doctor, I'm gonna demand my money back. (to my non-comic-book-geek friends - Doctor Manhattan is the blue guy)
4. I know it's gonna suck and I know I'm still gonna go see it. And then after I see it, I'll say, "It sucked." Making me feel the same way about an upcoming adaptation of the greatest super-hero story ever told as I did about Revenge of the Sith and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is fucking mean and I'll never forgive it.
3. You can't do Watchmen in an hour-and-a-half. Or two hours. Or two-and-a-half hours. Or three hours. Or four hours. You can't do it. It's stupid to try. The only proper way to adapt it (and Jesus Christ, does every fucking comic book need to be adapted) would've been to make a maxi-series out of it on HBO or an all-ages channel like HBO. Can't do it, guys. Can't do it.
2. Stan Lee has no reason to make a cameo.
1. Zack Snyder, the director of 300, huh? Oh, oh, wait, the visionary director of 300. Sorry.
This, more than anything, is why I think Watchmen will be sucktacular.
Let me be clear, I didn't particularly enjoy 300, at least not enough to refer to the director as a visionary. It wasn't horrible, but it also wasn't good enough for me to put in on a list of favorites, make me hungry to see it again, or to buy the DVD. And that's without even considering how well a film like that could be used as right-wing propaganda, or simply how every single non-white character in the film was portrayed as a mutated monster. By the way, I've never read the graphic novel so any differences/similarities between the film and the source material has nothing to do with my feelings toward it.
Regardless, my like or dislike of 300 has nothing to do with my feelings towards the choice of director here. 300 could be the greatest film ever made. It could be the reason why film was invented. I don't give a flying shit. if you asked me to write a list of the WORST directorial choices for a Watchmen adaptation, Snyder would be right at the top of the list.
The reason is because, in my humble opinion (and I'm pretty sure in the opinion of everyone who has ever read Watchmen and who has a brain that works better than a solar-powered flashlight - whether or not they even liked it), part of what's going on in Watchmen is that the super-heroes are having all the bullshit stripped away and looked at in a more realistic light. What would real super-heroes be like? What would our world really look like if they were a part of it? And maybe most importantly what would their real motivations be for doing what they do? That's why the "hero" of Watchmen who most closely resembles what we think of when we think of the traditional super-hero - Rorschach - is absolutely, completely bug-fuck out of his fucking gourd insane. Because someone who devoted every night of his life to beating the shit out of strangers in the name of justice would be a scary fucking person. And more importantly, there would be some scary fucking things going on in his head. The Rorschach of Watchmen is one of the most disturbing characters (in the graphic novel at least, who knows about this adaptation) you will ever come across. Heath Ledger's Joker and Hannibal Lecter will seem like serene pictures of sanity in comparison.
My point being that a director of a Watchmen adaptation should have the idea in his/her head that the super-heroes under his/her care shouldn't be treated like traditional super-heroes. They shouldn't look like super-ninjas every time they hit the ground. They shouldn't be all sexy in tight leather and look as formidable and heroic pissing against a tree as they do when they're fighting bad guys. Every frame shouldn't resemble some iconic comic book cover with the hero in a check-out-how-super-I-am pose.
So who did they pick? Well, judging by 300, they picked a director who is physically incapable of shooting ANYTHING or ANYONE without making them look like fucking super-heroes. Snyder couldn't shoot a fucking squirrel without making it look all violent and heroic and homo-erotic. Unless, of course, it were an African or Middle Eastern squirrel. Then it would look like a fucking demon.
And hey! You know what? That's great! Put him on a Hulk movie or Iron Man or Superman or Batman or anything, anything, ANYTHING other than Watchmen. Those are all good movies. They have their place. But they're different animals.
I might feel a little precipitous judging this film by a trailer, but by the looks of it, I'm not wrong. The casting choices for Jupiter and Dreiberg are enough to show that. See, I don't care if how Spider-Man shoots his webs is different from comic to film. I don't care if Bruce Banner got injected by nanobots instead of getting blasted by a gamma bomb. That's because those changes, in my opinion, are largely cosmetic. Having Spider-Man's webshooters become a part of his body rather than some mechanical wristbands he invented doesn't really change the spirit of the story. The soul of the character is intact. But taking some former super-heroes who have been forced into retirement and look like they've stopped at quite a few Burger Kings since they were last fighting crime, and making them look like bad-ass, buff super-models, DOES change the spirit of the story.
Know who should direct Watchmen? Sofia Coppola. The Coen Brothers. Alexander Payne. Fuck, I'm just pulling names out of my ass here. Anyone, ANYONE other than Zack Snyder.
Know what I would do to do Watchmen right? I'd find a director who had never directed a super-hero movie, an action movie, an adventure movie, or a mixture of any of the above. I'd call them and say "Hey, would you ever, under any circumstances, direct a super-hero comic book adaptation?" If they said, "No," I would hire them. And if they refused, I would find some way to blackmail them into doing it. And if I couldn't do that I'd manufacture a way to blackmail them. Like hiring a hooker to seduce them. Or getting a picture of them reading a book and photoshopping the words "Hitler: He Was Right, Wasn't He?" on the cover. Or just getting a picture of them shaking hands with Pat Buchanan.
Watchmen is going to be flashy and cool in a very Matrix kinda way. But it's gonna suck. And you won't know it.
So anyone who hasn't read Watchmen, let me know. I'll either let you borrow it, or I will BUY you a copy and mail it to you. That way, at least, you'll know why the film sucks when it comes out.
10. It's gonna suck.
9. It's gonna suck, but people who have never read the graphic novel will think it's great. Then they'll read the graphic novel, and they'll think it sucks. 'Cuz they're stupid.
8. THIS is Dan Dreiberg.
This is NOT Dan Dreiberg.
Come on, you assholes, fat people have exactly ONE super-hero we can be proud of. And you're gonna take him away from us?
7. "Well, let's see guys. Sally Jupiter is a good-looking, curvy gal who looks like she might enjoy a hamburger once in a while. So who should we cast..."
"OH! An anorexic super-model! I never would've thought of that! Good job!"
6. That one shot of The Comedian right after he burns the Vietnamese soldier makes him look a lot like Robert Downey, Jr. But it isn't Robert Downey, Jr. I think they did that on purpose. Fuckers.
5. Where the hell was Doctor Manhattan's cock? It was in the comic! If I go see this and we don't see Doctor Manhattan's little Doctor, I'm gonna demand my money back. (to my non-comic-book-geek friends - Doctor Manhattan is the blue guy)
4. I know it's gonna suck and I know I'm still gonna go see it. And then after I see it, I'll say, "It sucked." Making me feel the same way about an upcoming adaptation of the greatest super-hero story ever told as I did about Revenge of the Sith and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is fucking mean and I'll never forgive it.
3. You can't do Watchmen in an hour-and-a-half. Or two hours. Or two-and-a-half hours. Or three hours. Or four hours. You can't do it. It's stupid to try. The only proper way to adapt it (and Jesus Christ, does every fucking comic book need to be adapted) would've been to make a maxi-series out of it on HBO or an all-ages channel like HBO. Can't do it, guys. Can't do it.
2. Stan Lee has no reason to make a cameo.
1. Zack Snyder, the director of 300, huh? Oh, oh, wait, the visionary director of 300. Sorry.
This, more than anything, is why I think Watchmen will be sucktacular.
Let me be clear, I didn't particularly enjoy 300, at least not enough to refer to the director as a visionary. It wasn't horrible, but it also wasn't good enough for me to put in on a list of favorites, make me hungry to see it again, or to buy the DVD. And that's without even considering how well a film like that could be used as right-wing propaganda, or simply how every single non-white character in the film was portrayed as a mutated monster. By the way, I've never read the graphic novel so any differences/similarities between the film and the source material has nothing to do with my feelings toward it.
Regardless, my like or dislike of 300 has nothing to do with my feelings towards the choice of director here. 300 could be the greatest film ever made. It could be the reason why film was invented. I don't give a flying shit. if you asked me to write a list of the WORST directorial choices for a Watchmen adaptation, Snyder would be right at the top of the list.
The reason is because, in my humble opinion (and I'm pretty sure in the opinion of everyone who has ever read Watchmen and who has a brain that works better than a solar-powered flashlight - whether or not they even liked it), part of what's going on in Watchmen is that the super-heroes are having all the bullshit stripped away and looked at in a more realistic light. What would real super-heroes be like? What would our world really look like if they were a part of it? And maybe most importantly what would their real motivations be for doing what they do? That's why the "hero" of Watchmen who most closely resembles what we think of when we think of the traditional super-hero - Rorschach - is absolutely, completely bug-fuck out of his fucking gourd insane. Because someone who devoted every night of his life to beating the shit out of strangers in the name of justice would be a scary fucking person. And more importantly, there would be some scary fucking things going on in his head. The Rorschach of Watchmen is one of the most disturbing characters (in the graphic novel at least, who knows about this adaptation) you will ever come across. Heath Ledger's Joker and Hannibal Lecter will seem like serene pictures of sanity in comparison.
My point being that a director of a Watchmen adaptation should have the idea in his/her head that the super-heroes under his/her care shouldn't be treated like traditional super-heroes. They shouldn't look like super-ninjas every time they hit the ground. They shouldn't be all sexy in tight leather and look as formidable and heroic pissing against a tree as they do when they're fighting bad guys. Every frame shouldn't resemble some iconic comic book cover with the hero in a check-out-how-super-I-am pose.
So who did they pick? Well, judging by 300, they picked a director who is physically incapable of shooting ANYTHING or ANYONE without making them look like fucking super-heroes. Snyder couldn't shoot a fucking squirrel without making it look all violent and heroic and homo-erotic. Unless, of course, it were an African or Middle Eastern squirrel. Then it would look like a fucking demon.
And hey! You know what? That's great! Put him on a Hulk movie or Iron Man or Superman or Batman or anything, anything, ANYTHING other than Watchmen. Those are all good movies. They have their place. But they're different animals.
I might feel a little precipitous judging this film by a trailer, but by the looks of it, I'm not wrong. The casting choices for Jupiter and Dreiberg are enough to show that. See, I don't care if how Spider-Man shoots his webs is different from comic to film. I don't care if Bruce Banner got injected by nanobots instead of getting blasted by a gamma bomb. That's because those changes, in my opinion, are largely cosmetic. Having Spider-Man's webshooters become a part of his body rather than some mechanical wristbands he invented doesn't really change the spirit of the story. The soul of the character is intact. But taking some former super-heroes who have been forced into retirement and look like they've stopped at quite a few Burger Kings since they were last fighting crime, and making them look like bad-ass, buff super-models, DOES change the spirit of the story.
Know who should direct Watchmen? Sofia Coppola. The Coen Brothers. Alexander Payne. Fuck, I'm just pulling names out of my ass here. Anyone, ANYONE other than Zack Snyder.
Know what I would do to do Watchmen right? I'd find a director who had never directed a super-hero movie, an action movie, an adventure movie, or a mixture of any of the above. I'd call them and say "Hey, would you ever, under any circumstances, direct a super-hero comic book adaptation?" If they said, "No," I would hire them. And if they refused, I would find some way to blackmail them into doing it. And if I couldn't do that I'd manufacture a way to blackmail them. Like hiring a hooker to seduce them. Or getting a picture of them reading a book and photoshopping the words "Hitler: He Was Right, Wasn't He?" on the cover. Or just getting a picture of them shaking hands with Pat Buchanan.
Watchmen is going to be flashy and cool in a very Matrix kinda way. But it's gonna suck. And you won't know it.
So anyone who hasn't read Watchmen, let me know. I'll either let you borrow it, or I will BUY you a copy and mail it to you. That way, at least, you'll know why the film sucks when it comes out.
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