10. The fact that everything that happens around Christmas has to be about Christmas. All the fucking music is Christmas music. All the parties are Christmas parties. All the food is Christmas-y food. A blizzard hits town that blacks out a large part of the region, closes businesses, and maybe even causes a few deaths, "Well gee, it's gettin' to look a lot like CHRISS-MUSS! Yuk yuk!" Even the porn is Christmas-themed. It's lame.
9. The fact that it's in winter. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a winter-hater. There are good sides and bad sides to it. But why couldn't we change our schedule so that the time of year that everyone is driving around madly to buy gifts for family and friends, get food for Christmas dinners and Christmas parties, and all around just do Christmas-y stuff, is NOT the one time of year that you should keep your fucking car in the fucking driveway?
8. Shopping malls. These places suck when you aren't getting shoved around by maddened parents trying to find the hot toy item that's sold out everywhere. Being in a very lack-of-fundage place this year, I have opted to try more alternative Christmas gifts of the I-Made-This variety, and thankfully for the first time in many years I have completely avoided both of the humungo-shopping-malls in my area. I plan to keep it that way until we're all done with celebrating the birth of a fictional hippie by maxing out credit cards on wii's and blue ray discs.
7. The fact that I'm the smartest person in the world when it comes to gift-giving and no one appreciates it. Mind you, I'm not talking about ME giving gifts, I'm talking about people giving gifts TO me. I used to send out mass e-mails every year telling people, "If you are going to get me something, get me THIS." I did this because whenever I ask anyone what they want for Christmas, they always respond with, "Oh, you don't have to get me anything!" No. I don't. But I'm going to. You know I'm going to. So just cut the shit, and fucking tell me what the fuck you fucking want. You will save me a lot of trouble and time and money. So, I used to try to tell people exactly what I wanted to help them out, and this was considered as brazen and selfish. So now I have to be a coy bastard like everyone else. It's annoying.
6. That Beatles song. Not the "feel guilty about starving Africans while you're sucking on candy canes" song, but the "REAL-LEE. HAV-ING. A wonderful Christmas time!" song. "Really having a wonderful Christmas time?" Wow, there's that vaunted Beatles poetry for ya. I prefered "This Thanksgiving Was Okay," and "No, I Had Fun On Halloween, I Swear. Really", but it's definitely better than "Easter Was Kinda Cool, But I Had The Shits".
5. Salvation Army folks in front of stores. Not that they aren't doing good work, they are. But I just can't afford to give anything and it makes me feel bad.
4. Kids following me around trying to give me their Christmas lists. What the fuck? I fucking broadcast my PO Box all over the place. But nnnooooo... they want to deliver it in person and get a kiss on the cheek and make me eat their shitty little cookies.
3. No feats of strength at most parties.
2. Disturbing Christmas movies that try to come off as not being disturbing. Like that movie where the kid's dead father comes back to life as a snowman. Or those Tim Allen movies where Allen gives up his family to be Santa Claus. I mean, I did it for a few years because they paid me under the table and let me smoke in the workshop. But if I'd had a kid that would've been totally irresponsible.
1. The theme in Christmas movies, like one of the ones mentioned in #2, that it's BAD to let your kids think there's no Santa Claus. Seems to me we have enough things in our culture telling us it's bad to not believe in things we know aren't true. Just keep on chanting "Mission Accomplished" and tell yourself the economy's fine. See how far that gets you, dickwad.
Showing posts with label Top 10 Worst. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Top 10 Worst. Show all posts
Monday, December 22, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Top 10 Worst Discrepancies Between the Lord of the Rings Books And Films
10. The savage men of Rohan. Now these guys were in the film, but for the life of me, I have no idea why. There's a scene that shows them swearing fealty to Saruman, and he gives them a big speech to get them all fired up. And then they proceed to have pretty much nothing to do with the unfolding story. In the books, the savage men fight on the side of the orcs at Helm's Deep, and afterwards they actually make peace with Theoden after years of conflict, and you're made to think it's a pretty significant moment in Rohan's history. But none of that was in the film, so I just don't get why they were in it at all, other than to give Peter Jackson yet another cameo. Not a huge complaint, but I think it was an example of where Jackson and co. failed to either shit or get off the pot.
9. Balin and Gloin. Gloin and Balin were two of the dwarves that accompanied Bilbo on his journeys in The Hobbit. While Gloin is not mentioned during the film version of The Council of Elrond (except when Elrond says "Gimli, son of Gloin"), in the books he is one of the dwarves in the Council (and actually has a lot more dialogue in that scene than Gimli), and since Gimli is accompanied by other anonymous dwarves in the film scene, it's likely one of those faceless shorties is supposed to be Gloin. Balin is the dead dwarf whose tomb the Fellowship finds in Moria. And in the book, it is made clear that a couple of Bilbo's other former companions died in Moria (unless I'm mistaken, the journal Gandalf reads from mentions one of them being killed by the big octopus thing in the water at the entrance). The fact that these characters actually played significant parts in the story preceding Fellowship, and therefore the story of the Ring itself, and that this connection isn't mentioned at all, is a little disappointing, especially since we do see both Gimli and Gandalf clearly upset about Balin's death. Not a huge complaint, but just a little disappointing.
8. Merry, Pippin, and Gimli. I think the respective actors playing these roles did fine jobs. Still, I was disappointed that all three basically became nothing but comic relief in the films. I have less of a complaint with Gimli, because honestly in the books his character is no more distinguishable from that of any other dwarf than Legolas's is from any other elf, but Merry and Pippin have a bit more going for them. But in the films they pretty much became R2D2 and C3P0. One thing people who haven't read the books might be surprised to learn, for example, is the manner in which they join Frodo on his journeys is a lot different in Tolkien's version. As I mentioned in yesterday's list, in the books there's a span of twenty years between the time Bilbo leaves the Shire and when Frodo leaves the Shire. And Frodo takes a LOT of time to prepare for his journey. Specifically, he does a lot of things to hide the fact that he's leaving on a journey, and he buys a house closer to the borders of the Shire to help explain his absence from Bag End. Merry and Pippin are brought along just to help him move initially, but eventually they figure out what's going on and volunteer to help get Frodo to Rivendell. It's a lot different from just having them tag along after nearly tumbling into a pile of horse shit.
7. Saruman's death (or lack thereof). While we get to see Saruman bite the big one in the extended version of Return of the King, he's completely absent from the theatrical version. And that just plain sucked. He pretty much was the only major villain with an actual body that we got in the first two films, and we were just left hanging about what happened to him? Not to mention the fact that Pippin's discovery of the Palanthir makes no sense without Saruman's death scene. I mean, what the fuck are we supposed to think? Saruman was like all, "Dude, look at all that water! I'm pissed! I'm gonna throw stuff into it! Including the most powerful glowy thing I own! That'll show 'em!"
6. The wizards' staves. Maybe I'm just stupid, but I've read Lord of the Rings three times, and I never got any kind of sense that the wizards' staves were supposed to be the focus of their powers. I get that Jackson didn't want to have them doing things like shooting lasers and bolts of lightning, because that would look pretty cheesy. But still, these guys aren't wizards in the sense that Dungeons & Dragons magic-users are wizards. They aren't just normal guys who read a lot of freaky shit. They're basically demi-gods. Having their staves be some kind of center for their power made no sense to me.
5. The eagles. One thing that didn't come through as strongly in the movies as it did in the books was the idea that on Middle Earth animals are both sentient and intelligent. The result is that I think a lot of people didn't get the involvement of the eagles. When Gandalf talks to that little moth on top of Orthanc (Saruman's tower, where he was being held hostage), he isn't summoning the eagles for help, he's basically asking an old bud for a favor. And when the eagles show up at the end to kick some ring-wraith ass, Gandalf doesn't summon them, they show up on their own because they understand the gravity of the situation. But the way it was handled in the film made it look like they were just something Gandalf could summon any time he wanted to, which led to the question of why he didn't just have one of them carry the Ring to Mount Doom and drop the fucking thing in.
4. The broken staircase in Moria. A lot of people dug this scene. I didn't. It was okay up to a point, and led to the funny "NOT THE BEARD!" line from Gimli, but watching Aragorn and Frodo surf on a giant broken stone staircase just looked stupid to me.
3. Denethor. I just felt this guy wasn't handled with any sympathy. We never learn, for example, that Denethor was in possession of a Palanthir (the same swirly, crystal ball thing Saruman had), and that it was largely the Palanthir that drove him insane. Not to mention the fact that the responsibility he shoulders is pretty immense. It is basically the city he rules that stands between Middle Earth and absolute destruction. And as I mentioned before on another list, having Gandalf bonk him on the head with his staff was just so many kinds of dumb. I don't care how crazy he was. Every Gondorian soldier in sight would've skewered Gandalf's bearded ass if they had seen him do that.
2. Boromir. Sean Bean did a wonderful job, but he did a wonderful job with a character who was a pale imitation of Boromir. The Boromir of the books was flawed, definitely, but he was brave and was clearly shown to be one of the most powerful warriors of the Fellowship, maybe THE most powerful. The way he was handled in the film lets you know right off the bat that he's going to turn to the dark side. Yeah, he redeems himself in the end, but his death just doesn't seem to hold as much weight because you always knew it was going to happen. It's interesting to think about this when you watch the extended versions of Fellowship and Two Towers. A lot of the scenes that were cut were ones that showed Boromir in a much kinder light. For example, there's a scene in the extended Fellowship that shows the group right after Gandalf's "death" in Moria. They're sitting around in one of the elven tree stands in the forest, because the elves are arguing with Aragorn about whether or not to let them through. In the meantime, you see the assembled members of the group giving Frodo these sideways glances, and you get the idea that maybe they're secretly blaming Frodo for Gandalf's death. Boromir is the only one to say anything comforting to Frodo - "You carry a great burden, Frodo. Do not carry the weight of the dead." Likewise, towards the end of the film there's an argument between Boromir and Aragorn about where to bring the Ring, and for once Boromir actually starts making more sense than Aragorn. A flashback sequence was cut from Two Towers as well, in which we see - among other things - Boromir defending Faramir from their abusive, overbearing father. I understand why they were cut. I assume Jackson and co., strapped for time, felt they shouldn't invest so much in a character who wouldn't survive the first film. Still, as a Tolkien fan, it's a shame.
1. Legolas surfboarding on a shield down the steps of Helm's Deep while shooting orcs. Do I need to explain the stupid of this? Do I need to talk about the unfortunate influence Orlando Bloom's experience with a certain Disney franchise had on Lord of the Rings? I don't think so.
9. Balin and Gloin. Gloin and Balin were two of the dwarves that accompanied Bilbo on his journeys in The Hobbit. While Gloin is not mentioned during the film version of The Council of Elrond (except when Elrond says "Gimli, son of Gloin"), in the books he is one of the dwarves in the Council (and actually has a lot more dialogue in that scene than Gimli), and since Gimli is accompanied by other anonymous dwarves in the film scene, it's likely one of those faceless shorties is supposed to be Gloin. Balin is the dead dwarf whose tomb the Fellowship finds in Moria. And in the book, it is made clear that a couple of Bilbo's other former companions died in Moria (unless I'm mistaken, the journal Gandalf reads from mentions one of them being killed by the big octopus thing in the water at the entrance). The fact that these characters actually played significant parts in the story preceding Fellowship, and therefore the story of the Ring itself, and that this connection isn't mentioned at all, is a little disappointing, especially since we do see both Gimli and Gandalf clearly upset about Balin's death. Not a huge complaint, but just a little disappointing.
8. Merry, Pippin, and Gimli. I think the respective actors playing these roles did fine jobs. Still, I was disappointed that all three basically became nothing but comic relief in the films. I have less of a complaint with Gimli, because honestly in the books his character is no more distinguishable from that of any other dwarf than Legolas's is from any other elf, but Merry and Pippin have a bit more going for them. But in the films they pretty much became R2D2 and C3P0. One thing people who haven't read the books might be surprised to learn, for example, is the manner in which they join Frodo on his journeys is a lot different in Tolkien's version. As I mentioned in yesterday's list, in the books there's a span of twenty years between the time Bilbo leaves the Shire and when Frodo leaves the Shire. And Frodo takes a LOT of time to prepare for his journey. Specifically, he does a lot of things to hide the fact that he's leaving on a journey, and he buys a house closer to the borders of the Shire to help explain his absence from Bag End. Merry and Pippin are brought along just to help him move initially, but eventually they figure out what's going on and volunteer to help get Frodo to Rivendell. It's a lot different from just having them tag along after nearly tumbling into a pile of horse shit.
7. Saruman's death (or lack thereof). While we get to see Saruman bite the big one in the extended version of Return of the King, he's completely absent from the theatrical version. And that just plain sucked. He pretty much was the only major villain with an actual body that we got in the first two films, and we were just left hanging about what happened to him? Not to mention the fact that Pippin's discovery of the Palanthir makes no sense without Saruman's death scene. I mean, what the fuck are we supposed to think? Saruman was like all, "Dude, look at all that water! I'm pissed! I'm gonna throw stuff into it! Including the most powerful glowy thing I own! That'll show 'em!"
6. The wizards' staves. Maybe I'm just stupid, but I've read Lord of the Rings three times, and I never got any kind of sense that the wizards' staves were supposed to be the focus of their powers. I get that Jackson didn't want to have them doing things like shooting lasers and bolts of lightning, because that would look pretty cheesy. But still, these guys aren't wizards in the sense that Dungeons & Dragons magic-users are wizards. They aren't just normal guys who read a lot of freaky shit. They're basically demi-gods. Having their staves be some kind of center for their power made no sense to me.
5. The eagles. One thing that didn't come through as strongly in the movies as it did in the books was the idea that on Middle Earth animals are both sentient and intelligent. The result is that I think a lot of people didn't get the involvement of the eagles. When Gandalf talks to that little moth on top of Orthanc (Saruman's tower, where he was being held hostage), he isn't summoning the eagles for help, he's basically asking an old bud for a favor. And when the eagles show up at the end to kick some ring-wraith ass, Gandalf doesn't summon them, they show up on their own because they understand the gravity of the situation. But the way it was handled in the film made it look like they were just something Gandalf could summon any time he wanted to, which led to the question of why he didn't just have one of them carry the Ring to Mount Doom and drop the fucking thing in.
4. The broken staircase in Moria. A lot of people dug this scene. I didn't. It was okay up to a point, and led to the funny "NOT THE BEARD!" line from Gimli, but watching Aragorn and Frodo surf on a giant broken stone staircase just looked stupid to me.
3. Denethor. I just felt this guy wasn't handled with any sympathy. We never learn, for example, that Denethor was in possession of a Palanthir (the same swirly, crystal ball thing Saruman had), and that it was largely the Palanthir that drove him insane. Not to mention the fact that the responsibility he shoulders is pretty immense. It is basically the city he rules that stands between Middle Earth and absolute destruction. And as I mentioned before on another list, having Gandalf bonk him on the head with his staff was just so many kinds of dumb. I don't care how crazy he was. Every Gondorian soldier in sight would've skewered Gandalf's bearded ass if they had seen him do that.
2. Boromir. Sean Bean did a wonderful job, but he did a wonderful job with a character who was a pale imitation of Boromir. The Boromir of the books was flawed, definitely, but he was brave and was clearly shown to be one of the most powerful warriors of the Fellowship, maybe THE most powerful. The way he was handled in the film lets you know right off the bat that he's going to turn to the dark side. Yeah, he redeems himself in the end, but his death just doesn't seem to hold as much weight because you always knew it was going to happen. It's interesting to think about this when you watch the extended versions of Fellowship and Two Towers. A lot of the scenes that were cut were ones that showed Boromir in a much kinder light. For example, there's a scene in the extended Fellowship that shows the group right after Gandalf's "death" in Moria. They're sitting around in one of the elven tree stands in the forest, because the elves are arguing with Aragorn about whether or not to let them through. In the meantime, you see the assembled members of the group giving Frodo these sideways glances, and you get the idea that maybe they're secretly blaming Frodo for Gandalf's death. Boromir is the only one to say anything comforting to Frodo - "You carry a great burden, Frodo. Do not carry the weight of the dead." Likewise, towards the end of the film there's an argument between Boromir and Aragorn about where to bring the Ring, and for once Boromir actually starts making more sense than Aragorn. A flashback sequence was cut from Two Towers as well, in which we see - among other things - Boromir defending Faramir from their abusive, overbearing father. I understand why they were cut. I assume Jackson and co., strapped for time, felt they shouldn't invest so much in a character who wouldn't survive the first film. Still, as a Tolkien fan, it's a shame.
1. Legolas surfboarding on a shield down the steps of Helm's Deep while shooting orcs. Do I need to explain the stupid of this? Do I need to talk about the unfortunate influence Orlando Bloom's experience with a certain Disney franchise had on Lord of the Rings? I don't think so.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Top 10 Worst Ways To STOP Obsessing Over The Online Game You Can't Play Yet
10. Constantly searching for youtube videos of the new intro quest line with the sweet new class and all the sweet new pets like the big rhino and the t-rexes and the glowy cat.
9. Spending two days writing roleplay backstories for every playable race in the game, both genders, only ONE of which you will use IF you even get to play the game anytime in the near future.
8. Copying and pasting the of the history of the game world into a word document and printing it out to read for no particular reason.
7. Glen Danzig.
6. Constantly posting on your former guild's forum MORE THAN ANY SINGLE OTHER MEMBER WHO IS ACTUALLY PRESENTLY PLAYING THE FUCKING GAME.
5. Making daily trips to the wiki dedicated to the game in question to read all about the neat things you can't see yet.
4. Being me.
3. Covering the night shift for a week so you pretty much have nothing to do but surf the web and find out about more cool stuff you can't do.
2. Blasting Haddaway's "What Is Love" during your night shift. It helps for about 4 minutes, but then you're back to the reality where you're obsessed with playing a game you can't play yet.
1. Porn.
9. Spending two days writing roleplay backstories for every playable race in the game, both genders, only ONE of which you will use IF you even get to play the game anytime in the near future.
8. Copying and pasting the of the history of the game world into a word document and printing it out to read for no particular reason.
7. Glen Danzig.
6. Constantly posting on your former guild's forum MORE THAN ANY SINGLE OTHER MEMBER WHO IS ACTUALLY PRESENTLY PLAYING THE FUCKING GAME.
5. Making daily trips to the wiki dedicated to the game in question to read all about the neat things you can't see yet.
4. Being me.
3. Covering the night shift for a week so you pretty much have nothing to do but surf the web and find out about more cool stuff you can't do.
2. Blasting Haddaway's "What Is Love" during your night shift. It helps for about 4 minutes, but then you're back to the reality where you're obsessed with playing a game you can't play yet.
1. Porn.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Top 10 Worst Flavors For Nicotine Gum
10. Cigarette.
9. Cinnamon Raisin.
8. Glen Danzig.
7. Ex-Girlfriend.
6. Rectum.
5. Marmite.
4. Garmonbozia.
3. Cranberry-Apple.
2. Green.
1. Joy.
9. Cinnamon Raisin.
8. Glen Danzig.
7. Ex-Girlfriend.
6. Rectum.
5. Marmite.
4. Garmonbozia.
3. Cranberry-Apple.
2. Green.
1. Joy.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Top 10 Worst Things To Say During Post-Coitus Cuddling
10. "I need a shit."
9. "Yeah, it broke. But I had my fingers crossed. That usually works."
8. "I'd buy THAT for a dollar!"
7. "HULK SMASH!"
6. "God Janet that was - God Alice that was wonderful-"
5. "Well you had your mouth on it, where did you think it would go?"
4. "Mom?"
3. "I killed a guy once."
2. "Do you like Star Trek?"
1. "Wow. That was hilarious."
9. "Yeah, it broke. But I had my fingers crossed. That usually works."
8. "I'd buy THAT for a dollar!"
7. "HULK SMASH!"
6. "God Janet that was - God Alice that was wonderful-"
5. "Well you had your mouth on it, where did you think it would go?"
4. "Mom?"
3. "I killed a guy once."
2. "Do you like Star Trek?"
1. "Wow. That was hilarious."
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Top 10 Things People Tell Me To Do That I Don't Want To Do
10. "Don't buy any more than 5 comic books, okay?"
9. "Smaller portions!"
8. "Calm down!"
7. "Wake up!"
6. "Ssssshhh!"
5. "Not on my face!"
4. "Not in my mouth!"
3. "Stop fucking the couch!"
2. "Stop touching yourself!"
1. "No karate in church!"
9. "Smaller portions!"
8. "Calm down!"
7. "Wake up!"
6. "Ssssshhh!"
5. "Not on my face!"
4. "Not in my mouth!"
3. "Stop fucking the couch!"
2. "Stop touching yourself!"
1. "No karate in church!"
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Top 10 Stupid Clichés
10. "You can't have your cake and eat it too." Then why did I buy the cake? Dumbass.
9. "Every cloud has a silver lining." How the fuck would you know? Can I borrow your magic carpet so I can see for myself?
8. "The bigger they are, the harder they fall." Yeah, but first you have to get them to fall. That part's tough.
7. "Every rose has its thorns." Isn't this why gardeners carry sharp things?
6. "It's always darkest before the dawn." No it isn't. What freaky hemisphere do you live in?
5. "The pen is mightier than the sword." Good to know. When my daimyo orders me to restore my honor by committing ritual suicide, I'll go to the corner store and buy a pack of bic pens.
4. "Boys will be boys!" Whoa! What a prediction! Psychic powers are real!
3. "All is fair in love and war." Try that argument at Nuremberg, dickhead.
2. "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Why? Did someone sneak a velociraptor egg in there?
1. "Behind every great man is a woman." He must really be great. I couldn't pull that position off.
9. "Every cloud has a silver lining." How the fuck would you know? Can I borrow your magic carpet so I can see for myself?
8. "The bigger they are, the harder they fall." Yeah, but first you have to get them to fall. That part's tough.
7. "Every rose has its thorns." Isn't this why gardeners carry sharp things?
6. "It's always darkest before the dawn." No it isn't. What freaky hemisphere do you live in?
5. "The pen is mightier than the sword." Good to know. When my daimyo orders me to restore my honor by committing ritual suicide, I'll go to the corner store and buy a pack of bic pens.
4. "Boys will be boys!" Whoa! What a prediction! Psychic powers are real!
3. "All is fair in love and war." Try that argument at Nuremberg, dickhead.
2. "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Why? Did someone sneak a velociraptor egg in there?
1. "Behind every great man is a woman." He must really be great. I couldn't pull that position off.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Top 10 Shittiest Things About Working An Overnight Shift
10. Isolation. I used to be a pretty well-liked guy. I'm pretty fun once you get to know me. Now I can count the number of people who ask me to hang with them on one hand and still have most of my fingers unused. The only people who talk to me are prostitutes who want my cigarettes. Now that I quit smoking, I'll be a fucking hermit.
9. Sex. If you're in a committed relationship, sex becomes quite a challenge. Your partner will inevitably get randy during two specific times of the day - right before you wake up, and right before you go to work (or if those two things happen at the same time, only at that time). And unless you want it to burn when you pee, don't let #10 give you any ideas.
8. Food. You never get used to eating at different times from the rest of the world. As much as it would seem to be a simple mathematical problem of counting hours, you just never know when you should eat what meal.
7. Confusion. People just don't. Fucking. GET IT. People will make you feel guilty for not being able to hang out with them, not getting back to them as soon as they would like, not being able to help them at 10 am because it's too close to your bedtime. It doesn't matter how long you do it. It doesn't matter how long those people have known you while you've worked this shift. They will never bend to your schedule, and they will never forgive you for not bending to theirs. Which contributes to #10 quite a bit.
6. Explanations. You have to constantly explain to people why you can't do what you can't do, why you have to do what you do when you do it, why you eat what you eat when you eat it. Again, it doesn't matter how long these people have known you. People who have known me for the entire four years I've worked the overnight shift, in fact people who only met me after I had the shift, still need me to explain to them the incredibly complicated concept of time. No, I don't want pasta at 8 pm, I just fucking woke up. Yes, I am eating burritos at 7 am, it's my fucking dinner. No, I can't go see the doctor at 3pm. I won't be awake.
5. Co-workers. The people who can loosely be defined as your co-workers, only because you all get your paychecks from the same people, are just as oblivious of you as everyone else. Even though your life and theirs wouldn't even have anything to do with one another unless you worked the overnight shift, they still don't get it. They schedule mandatory meetings at 1 pm. Since you don't know who the hell anyone is, you will occasionally have to e-mail your boss and ask "Who is this? They asked me to make/give them something." Your boss will respond "His desk is right next to this other person's desk," which doesn't fucking help at all because you don't know who the other person is either. Because of this, whenever someone does something bad at work, unless the culprit is immediately caught, you are automatically the prime suspect. No one will ever be able to prove you did it, and no one will ever be completely convinced you didn't do it, because there's no one around to attest to either.
4. Fridays. Trying to explain or figure out what happened on what day is always an ass-pain because you're just as confused as everyone else. You come home from work, go to sleep, wake up, and go back to work on what's technically the same day, but to you it's the next day. This becomes particularly frustrating at the end of the week. When people begin milling into the building on Friday morning, they'll say things like "Happy Friday!" and "Thank God it's Friday!" and "Have a good weekend!" But it isn't Friday to you. Friday's tonight and tomorrow morning. It's still your Thursday.
3. Appointments. You know how hard it can be to get an appointment with some doctors unless you're willing to wait 4 months? Imagine how tough it would be if the window of time you have during the rest of the world's waking hours is something around 1 or 2 hours.
2. Ignorance. You are almost always forgotten by your workplace. When important updates to your job come up, you'll be lucky if anyone bothers to tell you. But you'll still be responsible for obtaining the information you never knew existed.
1. Crimefighting. The only cool overnight job is super-hero. At least they get to fight crime and save the world. I have to listen to the BBC. And jazz. And people who play banjos.
9. Sex. If you're in a committed relationship, sex becomes quite a challenge. Your partner will inevitably get randy during two specific times of the day - right before you wake up, and right before you go to work (or if those two things happen at the same time, only at that time). And unless you want it to burn when you pee, don't let #10 give you any ideas.
8. Food. You never get used to eating at different times from the rest of the world. As much as it would seem to be a simple mathematical problem of counting hours, you just never know when you should eat what meal.
7. Confusion. People just don't. Fucking. GET IT. People will make you feel guilty for not being able to hang out with them, not getting back to them as soon as they would like, not being able to help them at 10 am because it's too close to your bedtime. It doesn't matter how long you do it. It doesn't matter how long those people have known you while you've worked this shift. They will never bend to your schedule, and they will never forgive you for not bending to theirs. Which contributes to #10 quite a bit.
6. Explanations. You have to constantly explain to people why you can't do what you can't do, why you have to do what you do when you do it, why you eat what you eat when you eat it. Again, it doesn't matter how long these people have known you. People who have known me for the entire four years I've worked the overnight shift, in fact people who only met me after I had the shift, still need me to explain to them the incredibly complicated concept of time. No, I don't want pasta at 8 pm, I just fucking woke up. Yes, I am eating burritos at 7 am, it's my fucking dinner. No, I can't go see the doctor at 3pm. I won't be awake.
5. Co-workers. The people who can loosely be defined as your co-workers, only because you all get your paychecks from the same people, are just as oblivious of you as everyone else. Even though your life and theirs wouldn't even have anything to do with one another unless you worked the overnight shift, they still don't get it. They schedule mandatory meetings at 1 pm. Since you don't know who the hell anyone is, you will occasionally have to e-mail your boss and ask "Who is this? They asked me to make/give them something." Your boss will respond "His desk is right next to this other person's desk," which doesn't fucking help at all because you don't know who the other person is either. Because of this, whenever someone does something bad at work, unless the culprit is immediately caught, you are automatically the prime suspect. No one will ever be able to prove you did it, and no one will ever be completely convinced you didn't do it, because there's no one around to attest to either.
4. Fridays. Trying to explain or figure out what happened on what day is always an ass-pain because you're just as confused as everyone else. You come home from work, go to sleep, wake up, and go back to work on what's technically the same day, but to you it's the next day. This becomes particularly frustrating at the end of the week. When people begin milling into the building on Friday morning, they'll say things like "Happy Friday!" and "Thank God it's Friday!" and "Have a good weekend!" But it isn't Friday to you. Friday's tonight and tomorrow morning. It's still your Thursday.
3. Appointments. You know how hard it can be to get an appointment with some doctors unless you're willing to wait 4 months? Imagine how tough it would be if the window of time you have during the rest of the world's waking hours is something around 1 or 2 hours.
2. Ignorance. You are almost always forgotten by your workplace. When important updates to your job come up, you'll be lucky if anyone bothers to tell you. But you'll still be responsible for obtaining the information you never knew existed.
1. Crimefighting. The only cool overnight job is super-hero. At least they get to fight crime and save the world. I have to listen to the BBC. And jazz. And people who play banjos.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Top 10 Things That Everyone Else Seems To Like That I, Nevertheless, Hate
10. Harry Potter - I don't really hate Harry Potter. I don't like him either. I've never read any of the books, so I have no clear opinion. But it feels like something I should hate.
9. Porn - It doesn't do anything for
Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya.
9. Poultry and Seafood - That's right. I drive people nuts. I won't eat poultry. I won't eat seafood. I'm not a vegetarian - I love beef. My theory is that the problem is the presentation. Fried chicken is a dead thing. A bowl of shrimp is a whole bunch of dead things. A hamburger is a dead thing. But a hamburger doesn't look like a dead thing. It just looks a bunch of stuff with bread. It could be anything. But a bowl of shrimp is clearly a bowl of dead things. And yeah, there's plenty of ways to present seafood or poultry so that it doesn't look like the thing it was before it was killed, but I've already been exposed too much of it that did look like dead stuff, that I'm spoiled on it forever. I know. It makes no sense.
8. Lesbian sex - Allow me to clarify. I have nothing against lesbians or lesbians having sex. They should have sex as much as anyone else and have just as much fun doing it. I just don't get as turned on by it as other guys. I think it's because I'm too selfish. I see two women kissing, it doesn't turn me on. It pisses me off. I think "Hey! What about Mick?"
7. Those Squawky Mobile Phones - There are mobile phones, and there are walkie-talkies. PICK ONE! JESUS, those things are so fucking annoying. What, do you need to feel like a truck driver or something?
6. Kevin Smith's movies - This may seem surprising, considering our physical similarities. That's part of the problem, honestly. He stole my look.
5. John Leguizamo - I just want to attach electrodes to his balls and turn the car battery on every time he either shoves his face close enough to the camera lens to lick it, or dances. If he stops those two things, I'm on board.
4. Bars - I like alcohol. I don't drink much, but I like alcohol. I hate bars. I don't want to squeeze together with that many drunk, sweaty people. It's like an orgy without the orgy.
3. Oral Sex - I don't know why, it just doesn't do anyt
Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya.
3. Quentin Tarantino's dialogue - A lot of it is great. But you can tell that he's gotten successful enough that he can tell editors to go fuck themselves at times when their advice needs to be heeded. That diner scene in the second half of Grindhouse was such torture, I thought I would catch a flight to Guantanamo Bay for a break. Every other line started with "What do you mean you never heard of (insert name of obscure 70's movie, tv show or song here)." It was like a Tarantino fan doing a bad Tarantino impression. I haven't been so happy to see Kurt Russel kill somebody since he thwacked Lo Pan in the head in Big Trouble in Little China.
2. The 80's - I was there. They sucked.
1. Thanksgiving - The dumbest holiday ever. What do you do? EAT? Hello! I do that three times a day! And to add insult to injury, you have to do it with your family? What the fuck? How about a holiday where we walk really fast or breathe really deep?
Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya.
9. Poultry and Seafood - That's right. I drive people nuts. I won't eat poultry. I won't eat seafood. I'm not a vegetarian - I love beef. My theory is that the problem is the presentation. Fried chicken is a dead thing. A bowl of shrimp is a whole bunch of dead things. A hamburger is a dead thing. But a hamburger doesn't look like a dead thing. It just looks a bunch of stuff with bread. It could be anything. But a bowl of shrimp is clearly a bowl of dead things. And yeah, there's plenty of ways to present seafood or poultry so that it doesn't look like the thing it was before it was killed, but I've already been exposed too much of it that did look like dead stuff, that I'm spoiled on it forever. I know. It makes no sense.
8. Lesbian sex - Allow me to clarify. I have nothing against lesbians or lesbians having sex. They should have sex as much as anyone else and have just as much fun doing it. I just don't get as turned on by it as other guys. I think it's because I'm too selfish. I see two women kissing, it doesn't turn me on. It pisses me off. I think "Hey! What about Mick?"
7. Those Squawky Mobile Phones - There are mobile phones, and there are walkie-talkies. PICK ONE! JESUS, those things are so fucking annoying. What, do you need to feel like a truck driver or something?
6. Kevin Smith's movies - This may seem surprising, considering our physical similarities. That's part of the problem, honestly. He stole my look.
5. John Leguizamo - I just want to attach electrodes to his balls and turn the car battery on every time he either shoves his face close enough to the camera lens to lick it, or dances. If he stops those two things, I'm on board.
4. Bars - I like alcohol. I don't drink much, but I like alcohol. I hate bars. I don't want to squeeze together with that many drunk, sweaty people. It's like an orgy without the orgy.
Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya.
3. Quentin Tarantino's dialogue - A lot of it is great. But you can tell that he's gotten successful enough that he can tell editors to go fuck themselves at times when their advice needs to be heeded. That diner scene in the second half of Grindhouse was such torture, I thought I would catch a flight to Guantanamo Bay for a break. Every other line started with "What do you mean you never heard of (insert name of obscure 70's movie, tv show or song here)." It was like a Tarantino fan doing a bad Tarantino impression. I haven't been so happy to see Kurt Russel kill somebody since he thwacked Lo Pan in the head in Big Trouble in Little China.
2. The 80's - I was there. They sucked.
1. Thanksgiving - The dumbest holiday ever. What do you do? EAT? Hello! I do that three times a day! And to add insult to injury, you have to do it with your family? What the fuck? How about a holiday where we walk really fast or breathe really deep?
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Top 10 Worst Things To Type During An MMORPG Guild Meeting
10. Welcome to the first meeting of "We Voted For Ron Paul."
9. So, the first thing we need to do is convince the rest of the white race that our purity depends on separating ourselves from - WHOOPS! Wrong Meeting! LOL!
8. No, we don't ALL wear horse saddles for erotic stimulation, but that IS how most of us met.
7. Starting next week, you are all required to deliver 5-minute presentations to the group at every meeting regarding how you feel about Jesus.
6. I understand that one of our members found a website about my RL situation, and let me just say that there are SO many ways to interpret the term "sex offender."
5. So, yeah, for those of you who weren't here at the last meeting, we're kind of going in a different direction with our guild. I'll explain fully in a bit, but for now just so you all know, you're all going to have to pay for character name changes so that we're all named with some variation of "Charlie." I already called "Chuck." Oh, and it can't actually be Charlie. No, no, when you hear why, it will all make sense.
4. I hungrily run my hands over the delicious swell of your young, firm - SORRY! Mistell!
3. According to the minutes, last week's 3-hour meeting was mostly monopolized by random geek pop culture references. I'd like this week's meeting to be a little more organized. Particularly, I'd like to focus on Monty Python, Spider-Man and funny Sean Connery quotes. We might want to get on voice chat for that last one, you lose a lot when you just type it. It's like...it's like...heh...IT'S JUST LIKE A WOP! BRINGIN' A KNIFE TO A GUNFIGHT! HA!
2. Yeah, so, since my Mom's in the guild now, we have to watch what we say in the OOC. Yeah, and she just got back from the hospital so, you know, no more in-character drinking parties. Too much temptation for her. Try not to mention fire. And dudes, if I catch any of you guys try to cyber with her, it's an automatic gkick. For srs. Goes for the ladies, too.
1. a/s/l?
9. So, the first thing we need to do is convince the rest of the white race that our purity depends on separating ourselves from - WHOOPS! Wrong Meeting! LOL!
8. No, we don't ALL wear horse saddles for erotic stimulation, but that IS how most of us met.
7. Starting next week, you are all required to deliver 5-minute presentations to the group at every meeting regarding how you feel about Jesus.
6. I understand that one of our members found a website about my RL situation, and let me just say that there are SO many ways to interpret the term "sex offender."
5. So, yeah, for those of you who weren't here at the last meeting, we're kind of going in a different direction with our guild. I'll explain fully in a bit, but for now just so you all know, you're all going to have to pay for character name changes so that we're all named with some variation of "Charlie." I already called "Chuck." Oh, and it can't actually be Charlie. No, no, when you hear why, it will all make sense.
4. I hungrily run my hands over the delicious swell of your young, firm - SORRY! Mistell!
3. According to the minutes, last week's 3-hour meeting was mostly monopolized by random geek pop culture references. I'd like this week's meeting to be a little more organized. Particularly, I'd like to focus on Monty Python, Spider-Man and funny Sean Connery quotes. We might want to get on voice chat for that last one, you lose a lot when you just type it. It's like...it's like...heh...IT'S JUST LIKE A WOP! BRINGIN' A KNIFE TO A GUNFIGHT! HA!
2. Yeah, so, since my Mom's in the guild now, we have to watch what we say in the OOC. Yeah, and she just got back from the hospital so, you know, no more in-character drinking parties. Too much temptation for her. Try not to mention fire. And dudes, if I catch any of you guys try to cyber with her, it's an automatic gkick. For srs. Goes for the ladies, too.
1. a/s/l?
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