Top 10 Opportunities to Work "I AM THE NIGHT" Into Everyday Conversation

10. "Dude, why are you kicking me in that particular area of my leg?"

9. "If you had the choice of being either a daffodil, a daisy, a kitten, a puppy, peanut butter, jelly, a piece of cake, a piece of pie, a cold glass of lemonade, a warm glass of milk, or THE NIGHT, which would you choose?"

8. "Why do you fight evil with such passion and success?"

7. "What's your favorite brand of body wash?"

6. "Why is it whenever the Sun goes down, you Moon me?"

5. "What's that smell?"

4. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

3. "Why did you cum on my foot?"

2. "Why don't you ever do the dishes?"

1. "If you were a chess piece, which chess piece would you be?"

Top 10 Things I Love About My New XBox 360

10. Too many games. When she bought me the XBox, Maryann also bought me The Incredible Hulk, Dark Sector, and Marvel: Ultimate Alliance. We went to GameStop soon after. I bought used copies of BioShock and Assassin's Creed, along with a new copy of Batman: Arkham Asylum. Maryann bought used copies of The Simpsons Game and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. The result was that, for a few days, I didn't go near the XBox. I just had too many goddamn games to beat. I didn't know which one to do first. Eventually, I decided I would have to play them one at a time and wait until I beat one before I moved on to another. It's nice to have too many options.

9. BioShock. This was the first game I conquered. BioShock is a first person shooter. With one hand, you use weapons like pipes, guns, and grenade launchers. With the other, you use drug-induced super-powers to blast things like electric bolts, balls of fire, and flesh-eating insects. You have to admit, that's pretty frickin' cool. I mean, I would've settled for shooting people with guns, but lightning bolts and Tommy Guns? That's like getting the best BJ of your life, and then she decides not to charge. Pretty sweet.



8. So far, it just doesn't have the addictive qualities of World of Warcraft. I mean, I love the thing. And some games are more addictive than others. But it doesn't have the heroin-like I'm-awake-I'm-home-why-am-I-not-on-WoW? pull that World of Warcraft does. It has online capabilities, but so far - beyond downloading add-ons to games - I'm not interested.

7. Besides lifting heavy things and peeing while standing, it is the only thing at which I am clearly better than my girlfriend. Actually, okay, besides peeing while standing, it is the only thing at which I am clearly better than my girlfriend. After watching her stumble through the tutorial level of The Simpsons Game for what felt like 40 minutes, I was ready to rip the damn controller out of her hands.

6. When I first thought about getting the XBox 360, I was curious about any superhero games available. Of course, I found mention of The Incredible Hulk online, and unfortunately most reviews of the game slammed it pretty hard.

After playing it, I SO don't care what anyone else has to say about it. I love it. Not only can you break and smash just about ANYTHING in the game (cars, street lights, park benches, trees, innocent bystanders), but there's a wonderful freedom-of-movement aspect of the game with which you can maximize destruction. The game takes place in New York City and you can wander around the city as much as you want without taking part in the actual story of the game (though eventually the game spawns a constant stream of military units who will follow you). You can, after causing enough damage, knock down any building in New York City, including numerous Marvel Comics landmarks. As the Hulk, I've destroyed the Daily Bugle building, the Baxter Building (HQ of the Fantastic Four), Doctor Strange's Sanctum Sanctorum, the Law Offices of Murdock & Nelson (Daredevil's day job), the Latverian Embassy (the country Dr. Doom rules), and Iron Man's Stark Tower. You can even destroy the Marvel Comics office, though it would've been more fitting to destroy the DC Comics office I guess. I did feel a little guilty knocking down the Apollo Theatre, but otherwise destroying buildings as the Hulk is a great stress reliever.

5. Three words - Chicks, chicks, chicks.

4. Sequels. I had no idea when I bought BioShock and Assassin's Creed that they both had upcoming sequels. Assassin's Creed II in November, BioShock 2 in February.

3. Batman: Arkham Asylum. I don't want to say too much because I plan to write a review about it soon for Trouble with Comics, plus I haven't actually finished the game yet, but aesthetically it does for superhero video games what The Dark Knight did for superhero movies. Just a wonderful game with some absolutely stunning sequences, particularly when you come across Scarecrow.



2. The new video game technology makes it possible for video games to be something much more than what they were. The work and artistry put into a lot of these games is amazing, and it makes me wonder whether or not some of them could - if not now, then somewhere down the road - be considered more than games. Art? Maybe. Some, particularly the RPGs, are closer to being interactive movies than actual games anyway.

1. Easy Mode. I wish everything had an Easy Mode. Why the hell would I play any other way? Because it's more "challenging?" Pfft. Kiss my ass, cyborgs. I got shit to do.

Top 10 Reactions upon finishing Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

10. Every time I see Ron Weasley's scared/surprised face, which seems to be pretty much the only face he makes, it makes me want to punch a baby.



9. I'm happy to see Gollum was able to get work after melting in Mt. Doom.



8. I don't care if I were a wizard or a witch or a house elf or what. If I had to actually tell people. "Yeah, I'm a Hufflepuff," I'd shoot myself in the fuckin' head.

7. Well in the first book there was just "muggles." Now there's mudbloods, squibs, and parselmouths. Rowling is better with racial slurs than Archie Bunker.

6. Anyone else think these wealthy, intelligent, super-powerful wizards could do with installing a video camera? A couple of motion sensors?

5. Why isn't Hermione the main character? I realize magic is handled differently in different fantasy series, but I'm pretty sure one of the universal factors is that wizards can generally cast spells. Harry doesn't seem to, like, use...magic. He mainly just gets attacked by monsters, and then Dumbledore's stuff flies to him at just the right moment so he doesn't die. Hermione, on the other hand, actually casts spells. In a fight, I'm betting on her.

4. Why does all the bad stuff lead back to Voldemort? Harry Potter's world needs a more diverse Rogue's Gallery. Some dude with an island. Moon rockets. Some robots and shit.

3. In the film, Branagh is frikkin' hilarious. I guess everyone's good for something.

2. Are there only English wizards? Is there an American magic school where they do special cowboy magic or something?

1. I read "Chamber of Secrets" and I think "Vagina."

The End of List SMASH!

Some things are too good to last.

And then there's List SMASH!

List SMASH! was conceived in the wake of the break-up of a 5-year long relationship, and it had more than one purpose. It was a crawl-before-you-walk tactic to unblock my creative juices. I figured if I was writing a list per day, at least I was writing something. It was a way to vent, no matter how indirectly. But most importantly, it was a way to reconnect. Years of working the same hours as Batman took its toll on my social life, and after my relationship ended with the 5-year-Bitch, I needed friends more than ever.

Since then, I've wandered. Not all who wander are lost, but you know what Tolky buddy? Some fucking are.

I won't bore you with specifics. There are things I should've done more. There are things I should've done less. I have all but discarded the latter, and I'm embracing the former.

Of the parts of my life I have neglected, blogging about comics is something I've missed dearly. It was one of the more rewarding experiences of my life. It put me in touch with comic book professionals. It broadened my palette for an amazing art form that a lot of people still don't recognize. Most importantly, I thought I knew comics, and it taught me I didn't know shit.

Recently, my old buddy Alan Doane contacted me and a bunch of other alumni of his site Comic Book Galaxy. He asked us if we wanted to get something going. And so, we have the new group blog Trouble with Comics. I haven't contributed much of anything yet, but that will change soon. In the meantime, I'm preparing to put the defibrillators to my old comics blog, whose name is too cool to let it lay dormant, Superheroes, etc.

I feel good. Frankly, I feel better than I have in a while. I don't want to be melodramatic about this, but at the same time I want to be honest, no matter how much cheese that honesty produces. The fact is I feel like I left my path, and now I've found it again. My chest feels warm. I feel strong. I feel ready for all the things I've been hiding from.

Unfortunately, I just don't see room for List SMASH! Writing for a group blog, writing for my own blog, writing fiction on the side, AND semi-daily lists? Can't do it. I just can't.

But I'm not completely done with the Smash. The blog currently has 175 lists. I figure I have the time for 25 more to make it a nice round number like 200. And I'm going to try to take some extra care with them. None of those lists where I just want to update the site so I crap out something easy like "Top 10 Favorite Numbers". Once I'm done, the blog will remain. It won't be updated, but I'm not going to delete it or anything either.

I want to thank everyone who's visited the site and who's nudged me to keep updating when I've lagged behind. It always felt good to know this was something people genuinely enjoyed.

But, you know, it isn't like any of you pay me for it or anything. So don't even bitch. I'm bigger than all of you anyway.

Top 10 Thoughts Regarding the Passing of Patrick Swayze

10. I care more about your passing than I thought I would, Mr. Swayze. I guess you always seemed like the kind of person I shouldn't like - a handsome actor playing all-American heroes in action flicks. But it's tough to ignore the fact that you were an important part of the pop culture landscape for the better part of my childhood and even early adulthood. The Outsiders, Red Dawn, Road House, Point Break, even Donnie Darko.

9. I wonder how many people remember Ghost being the Titanic of its day. Instead of Celine Dion, it revived the oldie "Unchained Melody" and had it playing on every teenage girl's walkman. And I'm willing to bet it brought some more interest to the art of pottery, too.



8. If you had killed Neo in Point Break, it could've spared us all a lot of bullshit later. Not your fault. I know. 'M just sayin'.

7. Oh man, I just realized. There are probably gonna be so many tribute videos, jpegs, etc., made of the part at the end of Ghost when he goes to Heaven. Which, I guess, is fine. And fitting. I didn't begrudge anyone when they made all those Superman-flying-to-Heaven cartoons after Reeves died.

6. I don't know much about Swayze's personal life. Next to nothing really. So the only negative thing I can say about him is that he helped, and indirectly continues to help, survivalist assholes justify their paranoid dogshit.



But, he was a young actor trying to make a name. And it isn't like gun-nuts need that much help coming up with reasons to be nutty about guns.

5. Actually, you know, he would've made a damn good Captain America when he was younger.

4. How many people remember when Dirty Dancing was considered controversial? Seriously. Can you believe that?

3. Seriously...looking at a cast photo of The Outsiders...dude...if you and Dillon had just knifed EVERYBODY in that picture do you realize the brighter world this place would be?!?!?! No Karate Kid II or Karate Kid III, no Minority Report or Jerry Maguire, no Men at Work or Young Guns, no Tommy Bo--well, okay, to be fair I guess those assholes from SNL could've found someone else to play villains in their shitty movies...

2. He let a goofy fat guy into his bouncer super team in Road House.



As a representative of goofy fat guys everywhere, thanks.

1. Thanks for acting and being a part of my life, Mr. Swayze. Have fun on the other side of the clouds.

(And if you see that guy whose throat you ripped out, apologize dude. Seriously. Apologize.)