THIS
10. Christ, not again.
9. Maybe I shouldn't even bother finishing Infinite Jest.
8. The day after I write 15 new pages of a novel I haven't touched in over a year, and one of the only living authors I can rightly call a "favorite" does this. I'm not saying it's providence or a sign or anything. Just strange.
7. I guess refusing to subscribe to cable TV or even hook up rabbit ears doesn't render me immune to hearing bad news.
6. I don't feel funny right now and I don't feel like finishing this list.
5. Hey, David. I hope you've found peace. Seriously. And FUCK YOU.
Showing posts with label Death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Death. Show all posts
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why Death Sucks
10. No more sex.
9. Hitler is dead. Who wants to be like Hitler?
(vegetarians)
8. It's the most relaxed you'll ever be. And you can't enjoy it, because you're fucking dead.
7. No more Diet Pepsi.
6. You won't find out whether or not (insert name of guy/girl you have a crush on) on (insert name of your favorite reality show) will beat that annoying fuck (insert name of the guy/girl on the reality show who is a bitch/asshole).
5. Risk of going all zombie. Zombies suck. (I proved it)
4. This is when everyone starts saying bad shit about you. And you're not there to prove you were out of town the week the zoo monkeys were violated. And you don't bend that way anyway. And they were askin' for it, they were FUCK. ING! asking for it! Are you the only one who noticed they never wore any clothes? JESUS!
3. If the Christians are right, Cat Stevens is totally fucked. And that's not cool. Who doesn't like Cat Stevens?
(Dog Jones, the jealous fuck)
2. No comic books.
1. You become B.A. Baracus.
B.A. Baracus was Mr. T's character on The A-Team. B.A. was afraid of no man. Even if you were a man with a huge automatic weapon, all the bullets would magically spin around him, and he would pick you up and throw you. Even though he would throw you in slow-motion, you'd be down for the count. And then Murdock and Face would take out the rest of the guys with the tank they made out of a shopping cart and a pencil sharpener.
But B.A. was afraid of one thing - flying. And The A-Team found themselves needing to fly quite a bit. So the other guys on the team would need to figure out some way to trick B.A. into ingesting an incapacitating drug at least every other episode, which was tough because, you know, B.A. was ready for it. They drugged him a lot. He had guys drugging him so much, he may as well have been in a sorority.
So, that's you. When you die. You're B.A. Baracus. You don't know where you're going, and in fact you probably don't even know you're going on a trip. You're just sitting there, smiling in spite of your usual stoic presence, because your buddy Face just bought you a milkshake. Your favorite flavor, too. Wow, Face is nicer than usual, maybe you should stop calling him a FOO'. And man that milkshake tastes great! Better than usual. In fact the world just. You know. Feels. Nicer. Than. Thud.
9. Hitler is dead. Who wants to be like Hitler?
(vegetarians)
8. It's the most relaxed you'll ever be. And you can't enjoy it, because you're fucking dead.
7. No more Diet Pepsi.
6. You won't find out whether or not (insert name of guy/girl you have a crush on) on (insert name of your favorite reality show) will beat that annoying fuck (insert name of the guy/girl on the reality show who is a bitch/asshole).
5. Risk of going all zombie. Zombies suck. (I proved it)
4. This is when everyone starts saying bad shit about you. And you're not there to prove you were out of town the week the zoo monkeys were violated. And you don't bend that way anyway. And they were askin' for it, they were FUCK. ING! asking for it! Are you the only one who noticed they never wore any clothes? JESUS!
3. If the Christians are right, Cat Stevens is totally fucked. And that's not cool. Who doesn't like Cat Stevens?
(Dog Jones, the jealous fuck)
2. No comic books.
1. You become B.A. Baracus.
B.A. Baracus was Mr. T's character on The A-Team. B.A. was afraid of no man. Even if you were a man with a huge automatic weapon, all the bullets would magically spin around him, and he would pick you up and throw you. Even though he would throw you in slow-motion, you'd be down for the count. And then Murdock and Face would take out the rest of the guys with the tank they made out of a shopping cart and a pencil sharpener.
But B.A. was afraid of one thing - flying. And The A-Team found themselves needing to fly quite a bit. So the other guys on the team would need to figure out some way to trick B.A. into ingesting an incapacitating drug at least every other episode, which was tough because, you know, B.A. was ready for it. They drugged him a lot. He had guys drugging him so much, he may as well have been in a sorority.
So, that's you. When you die. You're B.A. Baracus. You don't know where you're going, and in fact you probably don't even know you're going on a trip. You're just sitting there, smiling in spite of your usual stoic presence, because your buddy Face just bought you a milkshake. Your favorite flavor, too. Wow, Face is nicer than usual, maybe you should stop calling him a FOO'. And man that milkshake tastes great! Better than usual. In fact the world just. You know. Feels. Nicer. Than. Thud.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Top 10 Songs I Want Played At My Funeral
10. "Dead" by They Might Be Giants
9. "Forward to Death" by NoMeansNo (originally by the Dead Kennedys, but this version is funnier)
8. "Life Is Shit" by The Dead Milkmen
7. "Evil Will Prevail" by The Flaming Lips
6. "Last Caress" by The Misfits
5. "My Way" by Sid Vicious
4. "I Will Survive" by Cake.
3. "The Song You Hear When You Die" by Lemon Demon
2. "Short People" by Randy Newman
1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds
9. "Forward to Death" by NoMeansNo (originally by the Dead Kennedys, but this version is funnier)
8. "Life Is Shit" by The Dead Milkmen
7. "Evil Will Prevail" by The Flaming Lips
6. "Last Caress" by The Misfits
5. "My Way" by Sid Vicious
4. "I Will Survive" by Cake.
3. "The Song You Hear When You Die" by Lemon Demon
2. "Short People" by Randy Newman
1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Top 10 Best Things To Say On Your Deathbed Moments Before Succumbing To The Inevitable
10. GERONIMO!
9. Open the window. I'm gonna fart.
8. Here she comes! Kiss my ass Wiesenthal!
7. The treasure chest? Oh, right. I'll tell you guys where that is tomorrow.
6. Okay. Okay. This time I'm quitting smoking for good.
5. Well, shit, I hope this Atheism thing works out. Cross your fingers!
4. 42
3. My God. It's full of stars.
2. I am slain!
1. Son, listen, before I. You know. Go. There's something I have to say. You remember that whole thing that happened when you were 5? The whole thing with me molesting you? Totally as much my fault as it was your's.
9. Open the window. I'm gonna fart.
8. Here she comes! Kiss my ass Wiesenthal!
7. The treasure chest? Oh, right. I'll tell you guys where that is tomorrow.
6. Okay. Okay. This time I'm quitting smoking for good.
5. Well, shit, I hope this Atheism thing works out. Cross your fingers!
4. 42
3. My God. It's full of stars.
2. I am slain!
1. Son, listen, before I. You know. Go. There's something I have to say. You remember that whole thing that happened when you were 5? The whole thing with me molesting you? Totally as much my fault as it was your's.
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