Top 10 Similarities Between Zombies and God

10. Zombies are always eating, in spite of the fact that one of their defining characteristics is that they're dead. God, it is said, also works in mysterious ways.

9. When God comes back He's going to destroy the world. So will zombies.

8. If you're some kind of voodoo priest or something, zombies are easy to control. You wouldn't think God would be easy to control, but considering that He changes what He wants from us based on the political hot topics of the time, I'd say it's debatable.

7. Zombies are creepy. So was George Burns.



6. Zombies eat people. God doesn't. But according to the Catholics, He wants YOU to eat His son. Every Sunday.

5. Zombies eat brains. God does not eat brains. However, He did expel Adam and Eve from Paradise for eating from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. So, as a general rule of thumb, letting either zombies or God know that you have a brain is a bad idea.

4. You can't kill God. You can't kill zombies either. They're already dead. You can stop them, but you can't technically kill them. And you can only stop them by taking off their heads. Same as with Highlander, but that's another list.

3. If you fuck in ways not pre-approved by your clergyman and/or local law enforcement, God will blow up your town. In the meantime, if God doesn't blow up your town, regardless of how you or your townspeople fuck, zombies are going to kill everyone in your town. Either way, your town is fucked. You should really consider moving.

2. There are movies about zombies. There are movies about God. The main difference is that Christians don't picket movies about zombies.

1. God is everywhere. Zombies are not everywhere. Until they are. Then you're fucked.

Top 10 Similarities Between Jesus and Spider-Man

10. Both have super powers.

9. Both wish they could live normal lives without their father figures guiding their every move.

8. Jesus got crucified. Spidey's still alive but he gets his ass kicked all the time. Especially when he fucks with the wrong people.



7. Both have issues with the concept of getting laid.

6. Jesus had apostles. Spidey has SpiderFan.org

5. Theaters were picketed for screening The Last Temptation of Christ. Theaters should have been picketed for screening Spider-Man 3.

4. They both fight vampires.





3. Jesus knew things about his future. He knew he would die for humanity and that one of his closest friends would betray him. Spider-Man has SPIDEY-SENSE!

2. Jesus had Pontius Pilate. Spidey has J. Jonah Jameson.

1. Don't say this out loud because certain people are very sensitive about it, but Spider-Man doesn't exist either.

Top 10 Things I Learned About Pagan Ceremonies This Weekend

10. Pagans are always doing all this stupid stuff with stupid nature.

9. Pagans are very adamant about doing their stupid nature stuff outside.

8. Some pagans are not adamant at all about keeping their clothes on.

7. Most pagans have difficulty stifling their laughter during their ceremonies.

6. Before the ceremony, pagans tend to insist that the ceremony include a lot of singing.

5. During the ceremony, most pagans tend to not enjoy singing.

4. Pagans make okay burgers.

3. Pagans cannot shoot lightning or fireballs or anything like that, which makes you wonder why they bother.

2. Some pagans leave their 13-year-old daughters at the ceremony, who apparently have a crush on me, and do things like hug me spontaneously or grab my arm and hold it against their young chestlies. Which is awkward. Though warm.

1. Pagans are incredibly patient people with wonderful senses of humor who will understand when their non-pagan significant others poke a little fun about their ceremonies on their online blog.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Don't Accept Jesus Christ As My Lord and Savior

10. Hippies suck.

9. The duality is far too difficult to accept. Usually if someone has enough authority over you that the word "lord" applies, they're someone you need to be saved from.

8. Dead or alive? Pick a side. We're at war.

7. I believe there's some kind of god-like thing out there. But I don't give it names. How could any of us come even close to understanding a being that is all-knowing and all-powerful - something that completely defies everything we know? Calling that thing "God" doesn't seem any more appropriate to me than calling it "Doug" or "Bill" or "Terdface Jones." And I find it difficult to believe a being like that would give two shits whether or not I honor it by being even lazier than I already am on Sundays.

6. Because if I'm going to sign on, I need some clarification. We need to work some things out. Abortion. Homosexuality. Whether or not it's okay to eat shrimp. Why Jesus told us to turn the other cheek, while in the Old Testament God blew up your town if you said "fuck" too many times. Why a hippy like Jesus was the hero of the New Testament, while one of the heroes of the old testament was a dude who killed people with the jawbone of an ass, fucked the wrong girl, and pulled a temple down around the ears of his enemies and committed suicide in the process. It's like watching Gandhi right after Natural Born Killers.

5. If I'm going to worship someone, it's going to be someone to whom I need to sacrifice cattle. Fuck this standing and kneeling and sitting and standing and kneeling and throwing water on my face and standing and kneeling and shaking hands and kneeling. If I'm gonna worship, I'm gonna burn cows.

4. Zeus is way cooler than Jesus. He throws lightning bolts! Do I worship Zeus? No. So why would I worship Jesus, who doesn't even throw fire or shoot lasers out of his eyes? Sure, he can walk on water. But what does water do? It conducts electricity. ZAP!

3. Because if he is real, I am in SO much fucking trouble (for #4 probably more than anything else, plus all the masturbation).

2. Because if he is real, and he does come back, I don't want to be one of the morons carrying around a reproduction of the thing he got nailed to. Let them get their faces burnt off with his eye lasers for rubbing his nose in it.

1. I don't believe in Peter Pan either. Sue me, asshole.