Top 10 Reasons Why I Don't Accept Jesus Christ As My Lord and Savior

10. Hippies suck.

9. The duality is far too difficult to accept. Usually if someone has enough authority over you that the word "lord" applies, they're someone you need to be saved from.

8. Dead or alive? Pick a side. We're at war.

7. I believe there's some kind of god-like thing out there. But I don't give it names. How could any of us come even close to understanding a being that is all-knowing and all-powerful - something that completely defies everything we know? Calling that thing "God" doesn't seem any more appropriate to me than calling it "Doug" or "Bill" or "Terdface Jones." And I find it difficult to believe a being like that would give two shits whether or not I honor it by being even lazier than I already am on Sundays.

6. Because if I'm going to sign on, I need some clarification. We need to work some things out. Abortion. Homosexuality. Whether or not it's okay to eat shrimp. Why Jesus told us to turn the other cheek, while in the Old Testament God blew up your town if you said "fuck" too many times. Why a hippy like Jesus was the hero of the New Testament, while one of the heroes of the old testament was a dude who killed people with the jawbone of an ass, fucked the wrong girl, and pulled a temple down around the ears of his enemies and committed suicide in the process. It's like watching Gandhi right after Natural Born Killers.

5. If I'm going to worship someone, it's going to be someone to whom I need to sacrifice cattle. Fuck this standing and kneeling and sitting and standing and kneeling and throwing water on my face and standing and kneeling and shaking hands and kneeling. If I'm gonna worship, I'm gonna burn cows.

4. Zeus is way cooler than Jesus. He throws lightning bolts! Do I worship Zeus? No. So why would I worship Jesus, who doesn't even throw fire or shoot lasers out of his eyes? Sure, he can walk on water. But what does water do? It conducts electricity. ZAP!

3. Because if he is real, I am in SO much fucking trouble (for #4 probably more than anything else, plus all the masturbation).

2. Because if he is real, and he does come back, I don't want to be one of the morons carrying around a reproduction of the thing he got nailed to. Let them get their faces burnt off with his eye lasers for rubbing his nose in it.

1. I don't believe in Peter Pan either. Sue me, asshole.