Top 10 Albums I Would Want If I Were Trapped On An Island (provided I had something to listen to them with)

10. Dead City Radio by William Burroughs - Gotta figure that, at least at first, sleeping would be an issue. There probably won't be a bed on the island, blankets, pillows, comforters, or even a night light. While Burroughs' first (as far as I'm aware) spoken word album isn't at all boring, I have found his voice - as long as you don't listen too closely to his words - can have a very relaxing quality. I used to play Dead City Radio in my dorm room in Tampa if I was having trouble sleeping. In fact, this led to a rather awkward moment when a U Tampa security guard and Tampa police officer knocked at my door at 1 am while I was playing William Burroughs (not something you necessarily want law enforcement hearing as they enter your home) because a neighbor of mine suspected I had stolen his CDs (I didn't - he'd heard me playing the score to The Last Temptation of Christ which my roommate had borrowed from his girlfriend, which was one of the CDs he had lost in the burglary - he apparently thought it was a particularly rare album - it isn't).

9. Locust Abortion Technician by The Butthole Surfers - Back in the 1980's before the Butthole Surfers released "Pepper" and kind of became a mix between Reverend Horton Heat and Beck, the Butthole Surfers released albums whose tracks could only be called songs in the sense that they began, ended, and included audio, some of which was created by musical instruments. Locust Abortion Technician is one of the most chaotic examples of this, if not THE most. The album begins with an absurd parody of Black Sabbath's "Sweat Leaf" called "Sweatloaf." Most of the track consists of guitars playing the same few notes of the original Sabbath tune over and over again, with a chorus of studio-fucked-up Gibby Hayneses singing...something. I have no idea. One track, "U.S.S.A" is nothing but a constant heavy metal jug-jug-jug of guitars with Haynes screaming "U.S.S.A!" in the background. Another, "KUNTZ," is a recording of what sounds like an old Japanese song. The singer says something that sounds like "cunts" and the word is pulled out of the original song, warbled, garbled, slowed, sped, and every other thing you could possibly do to audio while incredibly, INCREDIBLY high on something. Locust Abortion Technician would be a necessary addition to my stranded-on-island collection in order to stave off insanity. Whenever I listened to the album as a teenager, it had a strange calming effect. The only explanation I could come up with at the time was that the chaos going on in my mind - from hormones and just generally being a miserable, angsty teen - somehow got transplanted into the music. The album was so loudly chaotic, that the chaos of my mind stepped out and joined the music for a while, allowing me an hour of rest.

8. Antichrist Superstar by Marilyn Manson - I was kind of surprised to find this in my list. I'm not a huge Manson fan, but this album is actually pretty good and would serve an important function on the island. I am guessing that being stranded on an island can bring with it a few anger issues, and hopefully I could use Antichrist Superstar to purge that rage every once in a while. Spend an hour or so imagining, like Manson apparently judging by the lyrics, that I would soon emerge from Hell as a flying worm to wreak vengeance on the world, and then I'd be okay and could get back to looking for coconuts and bashing boars' heads in.

7. Absolute Garbage by Garbage - I don't actually own any Garbage albums, but as I was coming up with candidates for the list, I realized there was one very important need I wasn't thinking of. Namely, if I'm stranded and alone, then there probably won't be very many ladies around, which will mean I'll have to keep at least one of my hands in good working condition to take care of things. And while pure imagination always works well, it won't be hurt by what is undoubtedly the sexiest female voice in pop, ever.

6. Rock For Light by Bad Brains - If there's any band that's better at promoting violent optimism than the Bad Brains, I haven't heard them. And obviously, I would want optimism every now and then while scooping out boar brains for dinner.

5. Parachutes by Coldplay - Every now and then, I'm sure I would feel sorry for myself. Coldplay is a good band for those moments.

4. Jane's Addiction by Jane's Addiction - Simply my favorite album by the first band I ever obsessed over as a teenager. My group of friends used to judge new people by whether they said they liked the live version of "Jane Says" on this album better than the studio version on Nothing's Shocking. If they said they liked the studio version better...well...we might still give them a chance...

3. In Utero by Nirvana - Same as above, except this was the second band I allowed myself to be obsessed with as a teenager. And, yeah, as far as I know they never covered "Jane Says." They might have done "Courtney Says," but then there probably would've been another legal fight.

2. Vee Vee by Archers of Loaf - Again, just one of my favorite albums by a band I discovered while DJing at my first college's radio station. They're tough to describe. Kind of like a more hard-rock-y Sonic Youth.

1. Walk Among Us by The Misfits - The Misfits are king and I could not survive on the island without them. And Walk Among Us would definitely be the album to have. Subsequent albums saw them going closer to thrash metal in their style, but this album can best be described, I think, as bouncy evil. Most of the songs are about zombies, aliens, or alien zombies. Even when the subject matter is absolutely dark and violent, they make it sound happy and fun. If you put the members of Megadeth and the Ramones in an isolated chamber for a week, made them watch nothing by cheesy old sci-fi movies with horrible special effects, this might be the album they recorded when they came out. It's good stuff. The best.