Top 10 Differences Between My New Apartment And My Old One

(For those who do not know, earlier this month I moved from Downtown Albany to an apartment in East Greenbush with my girlfriend.)

10. I grew up with 4 cats and a dog. My former girlfriend had 3 cats, and we lived together for around 4 years. So while I love cats and dogs, anyone who has lived with pets will understand it when I say that living by myself for a year had at least one nice perk - every time I opened the door to the apartment, I breathed a mental sigh of relief knowing that I wouldn't have to play the foot-block game with any cute little mammals trying to bolt out the front door as fast as they could. I would rather live with cats than without, but I can't lie. My right foot feels like it saw Paradise, and now it's back in the Hood.

9. Apparently, my new landlords don't actually WANT bugs in their apartments. I'm only assuming that because I haven't seen many yet. My previous landlord, I'm fairly certain, used them in lieu of a cleaning crew.

8. My new neighbors wear clothes almost all the time.

7. My TIMES "MOTHERFUCKER" HEARD SCREAMED FROM NEARBY APARTMENT COUNTER is still at Zero after, like, two weeks.

6. Unlike my last apartment, I am able to access my new apartment from the front door of the building. I have tried repeatedly but I can only think of one good metaphor for this, and it would be funny, but it could be construed as homophobic, so I'll move on to #5.

5. There are small children in my current neighborhood. However, I have yet to see 86 of them hanging out on the same street corner. At midnight.

4. The bad news is that there aren't any easy-distance corner stores near my new apartment. The good news is that there aren't any easy-distance corner stores near my new apartment that slash prices on cigarettes and scratch cards and charge 150% on everything else.

3. Cable TV and Central Air.

2. Strangely enough, it is still very likely I will be killed going to or from work. But now it will be the herds of drowsy commuters speeding towards Albany that end me instead of a stray bullet from a neighbor who only shoots at his wife's face because he loves her too much.

1. My new apartment comes with a beautiful girlfriend I love so much it's silly.