10. People from Long Island - It seems to me that Long Islanders are the horrible fucks they are largely because of geography. Whether or not they want to admit it, they essentially live in a really big suburb of New York City. So, what you've got are a bunch of sheltered, spoiled little brats who are just as sheltered and spoiled as any other suburban. But, their close proximity to the Big Apple makes them think they're actually tough, hardened-yet-artistic metropolitans. When they blast Jay-Z out of their Iroc trans ams, they actually think they appear progressive and complex. Unlike most suburban shits - who are just as clueless for a while but eventually at some post-high-school moment will be able to admit to themselves that "Twin Brook Lane" didn't really rate as the ghetto - this closeness to NYC renders Long Islanders a bunch of thick-headed fucks who should be led off a cliff and set on fire. Oh, and they fuck with vowels too.
9. Zombies - I don't like them. I don't like their movies. I won't support their causes. Anyone who eats other people is bad. Call me narrow-minded, but I'm allowed to harbor a truism here and there, and I choose to make one of them "anyone who eats other people is bad."
8. Rich liberals - Apparently once you've made enough money, believing in equality for all Americans, believing that one of the government's roles is to protect us from Satannic corporations (i.e. all corporations), and occasionally considering that there might be a problem that could be solved by doing something other than murdering non-white people, evolves into spending long hours in antique stores without buying anything, listening to the most horrible fucking folk music in the world, driving to other states just to take pictures of foliage and covered bridges, and most importantly showing your dedication to civil rights by moving somewhere where you'll never have to see black people again.
7. The Decepticons - What? You think you're hot shit just because you can fly? Captain Caveman can fly, asshole. Just cut the shit.
6. Any white American who strokes their European ancestry - You're not Italian. You're not Irish. You're American. I'm not saying you should be happy about this. I'm saying it's what is. Drinking lots of Guinness and preaching to other people how they should drink Guinness does not, in fact, make you more Irish. Especially since from what I hear, the Irish are mainly drinking cheap American pisswater these days. So put your stupid hats away and stop pretending you have culture and tradition where there is none.
5. People who actually leave comments in response to the pictures at icanhascheezburger.com. Don't get me wrong, I like the site, but...whoa. Just read a response thread or two. It's more disturbing than a barn sex site. These people should be born with restraining orders ready to be filed against them.
4. People who get their chocolate in my peanut butter - Get your chocolate out of my peanut butter and I'll get my peanut butter out of your chocolate. Otherwise fuck you AND the peace roadmap.
3. The people at my health food co-op (a subgroup of #8) - First of all, I didn't need to know what ghee was, now I do, and I'm not happy about it. Second of all, here's a funny thought. When you're shopping for food in a place so small that it's nothing but one big pedestrian traffic jam, huddling together in groups of five to munch on expensive cheese samples and talk about where you're "summering" this year, might be STUPID. Third, the food is reasonably priced, it really is worth that much, and I still believe in Santa. I mean Jesus.
2. Atlanteans - listen, I've read the Bible. Well, actually, like everyone else who says they've read the Bible, I haven't read the Bible but I have read the important parts. Well, no, like everyone else who says they've read the Bible, I've had the important parts read to me. And because of that, I know if you really did exist and your city really did sink, it was probably because you were fucking in wrong ways. Which is totally fine, but it isn't like you didn't expect it. Also, Hulk can totally kick Namor's ass. Aquaman's too.
1. People who whistle in public - It's annoying. It's not pleasant. Buy an ipod and shut up.
4 comments:
re:#10
I have 3 friends from Long Island who always sigh before admitting where they are from. Because they too hate Long Islanders for exactly those reasons.
re:#8
Limousine Liberals piss me off too, but I'll take them over conservatives any day.
Re:#6
Are you talking about a certain coworker of yours (ex coworker of mine)?
I'd like to add a group to the list, but, I don't want it to offend you because I'm not referring to you in particular. Too often, my entire self worth as a person is judged on my proper (more often improper) use of grammar. I have family members as well as online acquaintances who do this. So, I'd add "Pretentious English Majors" to the list. Oh, and also vegetarians. Because their preachy bullshit give all of us vegetarians a bad name. In conclusion, I need a blog.
As for #6, honestly I've known lots of people who fit the bill on that one, including family.
As for pretentious English majors, well I don't disagree. I will occasionally correct someone's grammar, but usually as a joke. (i.e., Maryann- "You did real good, honey," Me - "Um, NO, I did real WELL." and I do it just for the eyeroll and the giggle). And in fact my every day grammar is just as bad as most, so, you know, stones and glass houses and all that.
Though I will say that people who murder grammar habitually can be just as annoying, if not more. Pretentious English dicks at least - and I can say this from experience - KNOW they're dicks and accept it, while morons who want to supposeBly AXE you something aren't aware of why people want to strangle them.
And yeah, you do need your own blog. They're free. Get on that.
Oh, just wanted to add what you said about #8...
...I absolutely agree. And the reality is if they weren't around the conservatives would probably have more power. I guess the "limousine liberals" (never heard that before, I like it) piss me off a little bit more every now and then, just because in too many ways, we're on the same side. I mean, if I'm Robin, I EXPECT Joker to kill everyone in my family. But if Batman does it, it's that much worse.
re #2: Ok, I'll give you Aquaman. But what about Black Aquaman? http://tinyurl.com/lzen5l
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