Top 10 Observations About The X-Files

10. Fox Mulder has been under suspicion of murder so many times, he may as well be a professional athlete.

9. Any television show or film that deals with issues of race is bound to have criticism leveled against it, but I think the makers of The X-Files were particularly stupid when it came to handling such issues. If the scribes of the show are to be believed, every single non-white race harbors an unspoken, forbidden knowledge about some kind of magic that exists in the world. I don't know if the creators were just insensitive and stupid, or if Chris Carter went to a Chinese restaurant once and couldn't figure out how they made their dumplings so good if it wasn't magic.

8. A lot of folks have said that if Othello and Hamlet had switched places, both plays would've been much shorter. Othello, it is said, would've taken decisive action against Claudius as soon as he learned of his father's murder, while on the other hand lago would've never been able to outsmart Hamlet. I think you can find something similar between Agent Mulder of The X-Files and Agent Cooper of Twin Peaks. Mulder would've been looking for a supernatural explanation for Laura Palmer's murder as soon as he arrived in the goofy little town. Also, Mulder remembers his supernatural rules and never would've let himself run away from his doppleganger in The Black Lodge. Meanwhile, Cooper is open-minded about stupid conspiracy theories and the supernatural, but his priority has always been solving the crime rather than finding proof of the existence of aliens or vampires or the Great Pumpkin. And he would've asked Scully out rather than pining after her for years and calling phone sex numbers.

7. I think if I found out my tax dollars were being spent trying to find Moth Men and werewolves and the like...I would probably think it was the coolest fucking thing in the world and would find a way to give more money to it every year.

6. I think I'm probably not considered a true X-Files fan by some because, ironically, while it was primarily considered a show about aliens, the "mythology" episodes - the ones that featured the ongoing alien/government conspiracy storyline - were my least favorite. In fact, when I think of the truly great episodes, none of them were mythology shows.

5. If you are a certain thing, you will die. If you are the jerk in a horror movie, you will die. If you are the protagonist's partner in a cop movie, you will die. And if you have any kind of hard evidence about the existence of aliens that you intend to give to Mulder and/or Scully, you better get your shit in order. Because in spite of how paranoid Mulder and Scully are, despite the fact that most of the episode will be dedicated to you and the knowledge you hold, despite the fact that they've been doing it for years, and despite the fact that they're both highly trained and armed, Mulder and/or Scully are going to leave you alone and defenseless in an abandoned warehouse. Then they'll act surprised when they come back and find you hanging from the ceiling with a suicide note written by three different people.

4. Never bring Fox Mulder to a production of Peter Pan. At the part where you're supposed to clap if you believe, Mulder gets up on the stage and gives testimony under oath. It's really awkward. Usually he makes the kids cry.

3. "Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space'" is, I feel, simply one of the best episodes of any television show, ever. And Jesse Ventura is in it. Which is cool.

2. I think if Fox Mulder's parents had named him something that wouldn't get him beat up at school, a lot of the series could've been avoided.

1. Scully's breast size fluctuates throughout the series. It both excites me and makes me feel betrayed.