Top 10 Fictional Review Blurbs For The Novel I Haven't Written

10. "Martin weaves the mythic elements of his story with the mundane and personal so seamlessly, it makes me want to shit." -Publishers Weekly

9. "I'm glad I don't have to read this out loud because I can't pronounce his name." -Newsweek

8. "This book is so good, we might just let him in if he stops doing that shit with those hookers who dress up like Cheetara." -Jesus

7. "Before reading this novel, I would never have thought so many references to Hitler, breasts, and the Incredible Hulk could say anything meaningful about childhood hunger. But Martin makes it work. God knows how, but he makes it work." -Booklist

6. "The book is so phenomenal, I bet every woman Mick ever wanted to have sex with who DIDN'T have sex with him - or dumped him - feels really, really sorry about it. They should probably write Mick a letter saying so. With nude pictures in a vain attempt to correct their error. And little wet marks where their stupid tears rained down on the paper." -Kirkus Reviews

5. "The world Martin creates - using both familiar pop culture icons and more autobiographical elements - says something about America that is important, timely, and yet ironically dealt with such matter-of-fact apathy that the reader must work that much harder to see beyond the more romantic elements which, while satisfactorily distracting, are like a big and ugly noise drowning out a prophetic songbird." -Dog the Bounty Hunter

4. "Glub. Bubble. Glub Glub." -Aquaman

3. "Mick Martin? Pfft. More like Mick MOTHERFUCKING Martin!" -Christian Science Monitor

2. "Monkeys. Heavy Metal. Fishnet Stockings. Macaroni and Cheese. Genius? Maybe. Maybe not. But someone published it, and that says something." -Christopher Lee

1. "I could've been fucking. But instead I read this book." -William Shatner