10. Superheroes have cool origins. They fall in vats of radioactive waste. They get bitten by freaky animals. They get caught in explosions. They come to Earth from far away planets. Jedi all have the same origin. They got abducted by freaks in bathrobes because their blood was funny.
9. Superheroes have throngs of supervillains dedicated to their destruction. Every individual superhero of any significant renown has his/her own rogues gallery. Meanwhile, the entire jedi population got taken out by two Sith. That's pretty fuckin' weak.
8. Superheroes get to make up cool new names. Jedi have to stick with their stupid spaceman names.
7. George Lucas has never directed a superhero movie.
6. Jedi aren't allowed to fuck. Superheroes, on the other hand, get to screw someone once but then the Joker or Doctor Doom or someone else kidnaps whoever they got to bump uglies with, and then they decide they can't screw them anymore because it will put their stupid lives in danger. BUT, at least they got to get off. Jedi just have to be abstinent and deal with it. And people wonder why they go to the dark side.
5. Superman is easily the most well-known superhero. Luke Skywalker is easily the most well-known jedi. One of these men has NOT had his sister's tongue in his mouth. Guess which one?
4. I can't deny it. There have been a LOT of bad superhero movies, as well as a lot of good ones. And there are sure to be more really, really bad superhero movies to come, as well as some really, really good ones. But you and I both know there will never be another Star Wars film that is anything but a big pile of Dooku.
3. So, after the first Star Wars films came and went, what did Mark Hamill - the guy who played Luke Skywalker, the biggest, baddest jedi - do with himself? He did voices for cartoons. Specifically, he did the voice of the Joker on Batman: The Animated Series and the voice of the Hobgoblin on Spider-Man. Think about that. He was Skywalker! And when he tried to make a home in the world of superheroes, they only let him do bad guys. The Big Daddy of the Jedi didn't even rate high enough to do Robin's voice. Scoop that up and eat it, Star Wars dickheads.
2. Hulk is not a jedi.
1. Anyone can be a superhero. Even people who don't have powers. Iron Man, Batman, Captain America, Green Arrow - none of them even have powers. On the other hand, you can't just will yourself to be a jedi. Whether or not you can join the ranks of these sexless monks is determined by how much of a certain bacteria you have in your blood. Conclusion? Superheroes are inclusive. Jedi are religious fanatics who believe in leadership based on random hereditary markers and Divine Right. Fuck Jedi. Jedi suck.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Top 10 Fictional Review Blurbs For The Novel I Haven't Written
10. "Martin weaves the mythic elements of his story with the mundane and personal so seamlessly, it makes me want to shit." -Publishers Weekly
9. "I'm glad I don't have to read this out loud because I can't pronounce his name." -Newsweek
8. "This book is so good, we might just let him in if he stops doing that shit with those hookers who dress up like Cheetara." -Jesus
7. "Before reading this novel, I would never have thought so many references to Hitler, breasts, and the Incredible Hulk could say anything meaningful about childhood hunger. But Martin makes it work. God knows how, but he makes it work." -Booklist
6. "The book is so phenomenal, I bet every woman Mick ever wanted to have sex with who DIDN'T have sex with him - or dumped him - feels really, really sorry about it. They should probably write Mick a letter saying so. With nude pictures in a vain attempt to correct their error. And little wet marks where their stupid tears rained down on the paper." -Kirkus Reviews
5. "The world Martin creates - using both familiar pop culture icons and more autobiographical elements - says something about America that is important, timely, and yet ironically dealt with such matter-of-fact apathy that the reader must work that much harder to see beyond the more romantic elements which, while satisfactorily distracting, are like a big and ugly noise drowning out a prophetic songbird." -Dog the Bounty Hunter
4. "Glub. Bubble. Glub Glub." -Aquaman
3. "Mick Martin? Pfft. More like Mick MOTHERFUCKING Martin!" -Christian Science Monitor
2. "Monkeys. Heavy Metal. Fishnet Stockings. Macaroni and Cheese. Genius? Maybe. Maybe not. But someone published it, and that says something." -Christopher Lee
1. "I could've been fucking. But instead I read this book." -William Shatner
9. "I'm glad I don't have to read this out loud because I can't pronounce his name." -Newsweek
8. "This book is so good, we might just let him in if he stops doing that shit with those hookers who dress up like Cheetara." -Jesus
7. "Before reading this novel, I would never have thought so many references to Hitler, breasts, and the Incredible Hulk could say anything meaningful about childhood hunger. But Martin makes it work. God knows how, but he makes it work." -Booklist
6. "The book is so phenomenal, I bet every woman Mick ever wanted to have sex with who DIDN'T have sex with him - or dumped him - feels really, really sorry about it. They should probably write Mick a letter saying so. With nude pictures in a vain attempt to correct their error. And little wet marks where their stupid tears rained down on the paper." -Kirkus Reviews
5. "The world Martin creates - using both familiar pop culture icons and more autobiographical elements - says something about America that is important, timely, and yet ironically dealt with such matter-of-fact apathy that the reader must work that much harder to see beyond the more romantic elements which, while satisfactorily distracting, are like a big and ugly noise drowning out a prophetic songbird." -Dog the Bounty Hunter
4. "Glub. Bubble. Glub Glub." -Aquaman
3. "Mick Martin? Pfft. More like Mick MOTHERFUCKING Martin!" -Christian Science Monitor
2. "Monkeys. Heavy Metal. Fishnet Stockings. Macaroni and Cheese. Genius? Maybe. Maybe not. But someone published it, and that says something." -Christopher Lee
1. "I could've been fucking. But instead I read this book." -William Shatner
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Top 10 Reasons Why I Never Finish What I Start
10. I get bored.
9. I get hungry.
8. The crushing futility of the human experience bears all its weight down upon me and all I can do is think "Who gives a fuck?"
7. I see something shiny.
6. Low self-esteem
5. Eventually it stops being about me, at which point I no longer care.
4. The proud dwarven city of Ironforge needs its proud champion.
3. Glen Danzig.
2. Porn.
1.
9. I get hungry.
8. The crushing futility of the human experience bears all its weight down upon me and all I can do is think "Who gives a fuck?"
7. I see something shiny.
6. Low self-esteem
5. Eventually it stops being about me, at which point I no longer care.
4. The proud dwarven city of Ironforge needs its proud champion.
3. Glen Danzig.
2. Porn.
1.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Top 10 Differences Between My New Apartment And My Old One
(For those who do not know, earlier this month I moved from Downtown Albany to an apartment in East Greenbush with my girlfriend.)
10. I grew up with 4 cats and a dog. My former girlfriend had 3 cats, and we lived together for around 4 years. So while I love cats and dogs, anyone who has lived with pets will understand it when I say that living by myself for a year had at least one nice perk - every time I opened the door to the apartment, I breathed a mental sigh of relief knowing that I wouldn't have to play the foot-block game with any cute little mammals trying to bolt out the front door as fast as they could. I would rather live with cats than without, but I can't lie. My right foot feels like it saw Paradise, and now it's back in the Hood.
9. Apparently, my new landlords don't actually WANT bugs in their apartments. I'm only assuming that because I haven't seen many yet. My previous landlord, I'm fairly certain, used them in lieu of a cleaning crew.
8. My new neighbors wear clothes almost all the time.
7. My TIMES "MOTHERFUCKER" HEARD SCREAMED FROM NEARBY APARTMENT COUNTER is still at Zero after, like, two weeks.
6. Unlike my last apartment, I am able to access my new apartment from the front door of the building. I have tried repeatedly but I can only think of one good metaphor for this, and it would be funny, but it could be construed as homophobic, so I'll move on to #5.
5. There are small children in my current neighborhood. However, I have yet to see 86 of them hanging out on the same street corner. At midnight.
4. The bad news is that there aren't any easy-distance corner stores near my new apartment. The good news is that there aren't any easy-distance corner stores near my new apartment that slash prices on cigarettes and scratch cards and charge 150% on everything else.
3. Cable TV and Central Air.
2. Strangely enough, it is still very likely I will be killed going to or from work. But now it will be the herds of drowsy commuters speeding towards Albany that end me instead of a stray bullet from a neighbor who only shoots at his wife's face because he loves her too much.
1. My new apartment comes with a beautiful girlfriend I love so much it's silly.
10. I grew up with 4 cats and a dog. My former girlfriend had 3 cats, and we lived together for around 4 years. So while I love cats and dogs, anyone who has lived with pets will understand it when I say that living by myself for a year had at least one nice perk - every time I opened the door to the apartment, I breathed a mental sigh of relief knowing that I wouldn't have to play the foot-block game with any cute little mammals trying to bolt out the front door as fast as they could. I would rather live with cats than without, but I can't lie. My right foot feels like it saw Paradise, and now it's back in the Hood.
9. Apparently, my new landlords don't actually WANT bugs in their apartments. I'm only assuming that because I haven't seen many yet. My previous landlord, I'm fairly certain, used them in lieu of a cleaning crew.
8. My new neighbors wear clothes almost all the time.
7. My TIMES "MOTHERFUCKER" HEARD SCREAMED FROM NEARBY APARTMENT COUNTER is still at Zero after, like, two weeks.
6. Unlike my last apartment, I am able to access my new apartment from the front door of the building. I have tried repeatedly but I can only think of one good metaphor for this, and it would be funny, but it could be construed as homophobic, so I'll move on to #5.
5. There are small children in my current neighborhood. However, I have yet to see 86 of them hanging out on the same street corner. At midnight.
4. The bad news is that there aren't any easy-distance corner stores near my new apartment. The good news is that there aren't any easy-distance corner stores near my new apartment that slash prices on cigarettes and scratch cards and charge 150% on everything else.
3. Cable TV and Central Air.
2. Strangely enough, it is still very likely I will be killed going to or from work. But now it will be the herds of drowsy commuters speeding towards Albany that end me instead of a stray bullet from a neighbor who only shoots at his wife's face because he loves her too much.
1. My new apartment comes with a beautiful girlfriend I love so much it's silly.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Top 10 Reactions To Watching Television After Going Without For A While
10. Jeff Goldblum as a police detective. What? Was Larry David busy?
9. Groomer Has It? That's the name of a show? Groomer Has It. Really? I mean, really?
8. Some people think Gene Simmons' reality show isn't staged, and I think that's funny.
7. Some people think there are reality shows that aren't staged, and I think that's funny.
6. You can't do Scrubs without Zach Braff. It's stupid to try. It'd be like doing Lord of the Rings without Frodo. He's the heart of the show. And he's adorable. And I'm not ashamed to say that. Though I will only say it once.
5. Watching a couple of House re-runs got me thinking. Specifically they were of the season where House picks his new lackies. I never watched the season from start to finish, but basically House stages a competition with a whole bunch of doctors, and he slowly eliminates them until he chooses a few to be his new peepz. I just think it's interesting that reality television has become so insanely popular that now fictional television shows are copying them to keep their ratings up. I think they should revive The Smurfs and do the same thing with that. Instead of House, make it Smurfette, and...well you know what the contest's for.
4. It really does amaze me that the reality shows that focus on fashion and modeling feature the UGLIEST fucking people I've ever seen in my life. My girlfriend watches America's Next Top Model. With the sole exception of Tyra Banks, everyone on that show - including the contestants and the judges - looks like they're about ten seconds away from getting saddles thrown on their backs and mounted by the Riders of Rohan.
3. I like books.
2. Women of the world, please stop whatever you're doing and listen to me very carefully. STOP. FALLING. IN. LOVE. WITH. VAMPIRES. They're bad. Not as bad as zombies, but still bad. Stop it. Those fangs aren't there to tickle your nipples. They're there to end your stupid, horny existence.
1. I was flipping channels, don't remember what station, but the host of a program teased the rest of the show by pointing out that, after a commercial break, he was going to drink wood.
Dear TV people. New Ideas. You need them.
9. Groomer Has It? That's the name of a show? Groomer Has It. Really? I mean, really?
8. Some people think Gene Simmons' reality show isn't staged, and I think that's funny.
7. Some people think there are reality shows that aren't staged, and I think that's funny.
6. You can't do Scrubs without Zach Braff. It's stupid to try. It'd be like doing Lord of the Rings without Frodo. He's the heart of the show. And he's adorable. And I'm not ashamed to say that. Though I will only say it once.
5. Watching a couple of House re-runs got me thinking. Specifically they were of the season where House picks his new lackies. I never watched the season from start to finish, but basically House stages a competition with a whole bunch of doctors, and he slowly eliminates them until he chooses a few to be his new peepz. I just think it's interesting that reality television has become so insanely popular that now fictional television shows are copying them to keep their ratings up. I think they should revive The Smurfs and do the same thing with that. Instead of House, make it Smurfette, and...well you know what the contest's for.
4. It really does amaze me that the reality shows that focus on fashion and modeling feature the UGLIEST fucking people I've ever seen in my life. My girlfriend watches America's Next Top Model. With the sole exception of Tyra Banks, everyone on that show - including the contestants and the judges - looks like they're about ten seconds away from getting saddles thrown on their backs and mounted by the Riders of Rohan.
3. I like books.
2. Women of the world, please stop whatever you're doing and listen to me very carefully. STOP. FALLING. IN. LOVE. WITH. VAMPIRES. They're bad. Not as bad as zombies, but still bad. Stop it. Those fangs aren't there to tickle your nipples. They're there to end your stupid, horny existence.
1. I was flipping channels, don't remember what station, but the host of a program teased the rest of the show by pointing out that, after a commercial break, he was going to drink wood.
Dear TV people. New Ideas. You need them.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Top 10 Surprising Things About Quitting Smoking
(Quick background – Between the time I stopped blogging and now, I quit smoking and all nicotine supplements. Today is my 88th day without nicotine.)
10. Cold Turkey really is the only way to go. I tried for months and months with the nicotine gum. Ended up getting addicted to the gum. Seriously. My favorite was the “Fruit Chill” flavor. At times I crave it more than the cigarettes.
9. After you quit smoking, God still hates you.
8. The fear of being without cigarettes is much more potent than the actual withdrawal.
7. The layover between quitting smoking and becoming a self-righteous non-smoker dickhead can be surprisingly short if you want it to. It didn’t take me long to look at my co-workers smoking in front of the building and think, “Oh! How disgusting!” Also, my testicles are missing.
6. Some people actually WILL be completely fuckwadish to you when they find out you’ve quit, like the guy at work who – on my Day 2 – offered to give me money to buy smokes if that was “the problem.” This helped lead to the easy transition mentioned in #7.
5. Apparently, after you quit you’re not supposed to have any any. Like, AT ALL. Can you believe that shit?
4. Hookers hardly ever talk to me now.
3. At first, you think that the constant stream of well wishes from friends, family, and co-workers is annoying. Then, the first time you mention you quit and someone DOESN’T respond with a “Good going!” or “Congratulations!” you realize you really wanted it.
2. When you don’t have a car and you live in an attic apartment at the end of a windy, narrow, dark staircase, laziness becomes a surprisingly powerful ally in smoking cessation.
1. People who smoke smell like ass.
10. Cold Turkey really is the only way to go. I tried for months and months with the nicotine gum. Ended up getting addicted to the gum. Seriously. My favorite was the “Fruit Chill” flavor. At times I crave it more than the cigarettes.
9. After you quit smoking, God still hates you.
8. The fear of being without cigarettes is much more potent than the actual withdrawal.
7. The layover between quitting smoking and becoming a self-righteous non-smoker dickhead can be surprisingly short if you want it to. It didn’t take me long to look at my co-workers smoking in front of the building and think, “Oh! How disgusting!” Also, my testicles are missing.
6. Some people actually WILL be completely fuckwadish to you when they find out you’ve quit, like the guy at work who – on my Day 2 – offered to give me money to buy smokes if that was “the problem.” This helped lead to the easy transition mentioned in #7.
5. Apparently, after you quit you’re not supposed to have any any. Like, AT ALL. Can you believe that shit?
4. Hookers hardly ever talk to me now.
3. At first, you think that the constant stream of well wishes from friends, family, and co-workers is annoying. Then, the first time you mention you quit and someone DOESN’T respond with a “Good going!” or “Congratulations!” you realize you really wanted it.
2. When you don’t have a car and you live in an attic apartment at the end of a windy, narrow, dark staircase, laziness becomes a surprisingly powerful ally in smoking cessation.
1. People who smoke smell like ass.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Top 10 Reasons Why List SMASH! Was Gone For So Long
10. Sorry, but saving the World of Warcraft from the wrath of Arthas, the treacherous Lich King, takes time. Didn't see any of you guys pwning for your country.
9. I have been busy trying to find new and funnier reasons to link this video across the Internet. It's so simple, yet so stinging!
8. Daddy had to go figure some things out. Mommy found Daddy doing funny things with Mommy’s brother. So Mommy had some nice men with soap-stuffed socks visit him at night and take him away to a re-education camp in Alabama. That’s where Daddy has been all these months! The nice men reminded Daddy, using shock therapy and Doberman pinchers, that the only way for Daddy to make little boys and girls is to do his funny things with Mommy. So now Daddy’s back, and as long as Mommy doesn’t talk too much and as long as Daddy can close his eyes as tight as he can, Daddy’s gonna make you a new baby brother!
7. Mo’ Money means Mo’ Problems.
6. Forgot to give a shit.
5. I hibernate during Winter. And Spring. And Wednesdays. And dates with less than 3 digits.
4. Glen Danzig's lawyers found the site.
3. I have been updating on a regular basis, but on a frequency that can only be detected by Superman, dogs, and yeti. "Top 10 Reasons Why Lex Luthor Has Such A Tiny HEY LOOK A RUBBER BALL!!!!!!" was a huge hit.
2. Making fun of George Lucas has consequences you just can't foresee. Every other night I found a disembodied muppet head in my bed. And once, a copy of The Phantom Menace
1. Porn.
9. I have been busy trying to find new and funnier reasons to link this video across the Internet. It's so simple, yet so stinging!
8. Daddy had to go figure some things out. Mommy found Daddy doing funny things with Mommy’s brother. So Mommy had some nice men with soap-stuffed socks visit him at night and take him away to a re-education camp in Alabama. That’s where Daddy has been all these months! The nice men reminded Daddy, using shock therapy and Doberman pinchers, that the only way for Daddy to make little boys and girls is to do his funny things with Mommy. So now Daddy’s back, and as long as Mommy doesn’t talk too much and as long as Daddy can close his eyes as tight as he can, Daddy’s gonna make you a new baby brother!
7. Mo’ Money means Mo’ Problems.
6. Forgot to give a shit.
5. I hibernate during Winter. And Spring. And Wednesdays. And dates with less than 3 digits.
4. Glen Danzig's lawyers found the site.
3. I have been updating on a regular basis, but on a frequency that can only be detected by Superman, dogs, and yeti. "Top 10 Reasons Why Lex Luthor Has Such A Tiny HEY LOOK A RUBBER BALL!!!!!!" was a huge hit.
2. Making fun of George Lucas has consequences you just can't foresee. Every other night I found a disembodied muppet head in my bed. And once, a copy of The Phantom Menace
1. Porn.
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