Top 10 Reactions To Watching Television After Going Without For A While

10. Jeff Goldblum as a police detective. What? Was Larry David busy?

9. Groomer Has It? That's the name of a show? Groomer Has It. Really? I mean, really?

8. Some people think Gene Simmons' reality show isn't staged, and I think that's funny.

7. Some people think there are reality shows that aren't staged, and I think that's funny.

6. You can't do Scrubs without Zach Braff. It's stupid to try. It'd be like doing Lord of the Rings without Frodo. He's the heart of the show. And he's adorable. And I'm not ashamed to say that. Though I will only say it once.

5. Watching a couple of House re-runs got me thinking. Specifically they were of the season where House picks his new lackies. I never watched the season from start to finish, but basically House stages a competition with a whole bunch of doctors, and he slowly eliminates them until he chooses a few to be his new peepz. I just think it's interesting that reality television has become so insanely popular that now fictional television shows are copying them to keep their ratings up. I think they should revive The Smurfs and do the same thing with that. Instead of House, make it Smurfette, and...well you know what the contest's for.

4. It really does amaze me that the reality shows that focus on fashion and modeling feature the UGLIEST fucking people I've ever seen in my life. My girlfriend watches America's Next Top Model. With the sole exception of Tyra Banks, everyone on that show - including the contestants and the judges - looks like they're about ten seconds away from getting saddles thrown on their backs and mounted by the Riders of Rohan.

3. I like books.

2. Women of the world, please stop whatever you're doing and listen to me very carefully. STOP. FALLING. IN. LOVE. WITH. VAMPIRES. They're bad. Not as bad as zombies, but still bad. Stop it. Those fangs aren't there to tickle your nipples. They're there to end your stupid, horny existence.

1. I was flipping channels, don't remember what station, but the host of a program teased the rest of the show by pointing out that, after a commercial break, he was going to drink wood.

Dear TV people. New Ideas. You need them.