10. Isolation. I used to be a pretty well-liked guy. I'm pretty fun once you get to know me. Now I can count the number of people who ask me to hang with them on one hand and still have most of my fingers unused. The only people who talk to me are prostitutes who want my cigarettes. Now that I quit smoking, I'll be a fucking hermit.
9. Sex. If you're in a committed relationship, sex becomes quite a challenge. Your partner will inevitably get randy during two specific times of the day - right before you wake up, and right before you go to work (or if those two things happen at the same time, only at that time). And unless you want it to burn when you pee, don't let #10 give you any ideas.
8. Food. You never get used to eating at different times from the rest of the world. As much as it would seem to be a simple mathematical problem of counting hours, you just never know when you should eat what meal.
7. Confusion. People just don't. Fucking. GET IT. People will make you feel guilty for not being able to hang out with them, not getting back to them as soon as they would like, not being able to help them at 10 am because it's too close to your bedtime. It doesn't matter how long you do it. It doesn't matter how long those people have known you while you've worked this shift. They will never bend to your schedule, and they will never forgive you for not bending to theirs. Which contributes to #10 quite a bit.
6. Explanations. You have to constantly explain to people why you can't do what you can't do, why you have to do what you do when you do it, why you eat what you eat when you eat it. Again, it doesn't matter how long these people have known you. People who have known me for the entire four years I've worked the overnight shift, in fact people who only met me after I had the shift, still need me to explain to them the incredibly complicated concept of time. No, I don't want pasta at 8 pm, I just fucking woke up. Yes, I am eating burritos at 7 am, it's my fucking dinner. No, I can't go see the doctor at 3pm. I won't be awake.
5. Co-workers. The people who can loosely be defined as your co-workers, only because you all get your paychecks from the same people, are just as oblivious of you as everyone else. Even though your life and theirs wouldn't even have anything to do with one another unless you worked the overnight shift, they still don't get it. They schedule mandatory meetings at 1 pm. Since you don't know who the hell anyone is, you will occasionally have to e-mail your boss and ask "Who is this? They asked me to make/give them something." Your boss will respond "His desk is right next to this other person's desk," which doesn't fucking help at all because you don't know who the other person is either. Because of this, whenever someone does something bad at work, unless the culprit is immediately caught, you are automatically the prime suspect. No one will ever be able to prove you did it, and no one will ever be completely convinced you didn't do it, because there's no one around to attest to either.
4. Fridays. Trying to explain or figure out what happened on what day is always an ass-pain because you're just as confused as everyone else. You come home from work, go to sleep, wake up, and go back to work on what's technically the same day, but to you it's the next day. This becomes particularly frustrating at the end of the week. When people begin milling into the building on Friday morning, they'll say things like "Happy Friday!" and "Thank God it's Friday!" and "Have a good weekend!" But it isn't Friday to you. Friday's tonight and tomorrow morning. It's still your Thursday.
3. Appointments. You know how hard it can be to get an appointment with some doctors unless you're willing to wait 4 months? Imagine how tough it would be if the window of time you have during the rest of the world's waking hours is something around 1 or 2 hours.
2. Ignorance. You are almost always forgotten by your workplace. When important updates to your job come up, you'll be lucky if anyone bothers to tell you. But you'll still be responsible for obtaining the information you never knew existed.
1. Crimefighting. The only cool overnight job is super-hero. At least they get to fight crime and save the world. I have to listen to the BBC. And jazz. And people who play banjos.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
Top 10 Reasons Why We Should Prepare For An Alien Invasion
10. If you take a look at history, and look at the instances in which two civilizations - with a wide disparity in their technological advancement - came into contact, you find the same thing tends to happen. Pretty soon you have one civilization, and a bunch of roadside stands offering ethnic blankets.
9. Here we are without warp-speed technology. We've got our cute little mp3 players and quaint i-phones, and we're already bitching about overpopulation. Imagine if our civilization had gotten to the point where we could travel across galaxies. Our species' girth would make our current population look like the membership list for "Gpysies For Hitler!" And there aren't many places out there where we can put our feet up. So as much as upstate NY looks like shit to me, I bet Luke Skywalker and Alf are going to think it's a lush paradise.
8. Look at Jeffrey Dahmer. Even we think we're yummy. What do you think aliens are going to think?
7. Turn the situation around. Imagine our military finds intelligent life on another planet. And it's a species far less technologically advanced than us. With our own home in environmental peril, with the discovery of a new world that is both accessible to us and can sustain life, and with a healthy supply of ammunition, how long before phrases reminiscent of "Manifest destiny" and "internment camps" are resurrected in the national dialogue? Hmmm?
6. Dude. They might take our chicks.
5. Superman can't do everything for us. It isn't like he's the Hulk.
4. Ever see Mars Attacks!? Even Tim Burton thinks aliens are bastards. And that dude thinks zombies and homicidal clowns are cute.
3. Gene Roddenberry was wrong. He saw a united world of equality, free from greed or the very need for money. Heh. Yeah, whatever. Conclusion? Aliens are evil.
2. It is completely possible that aliens' research will eventually lead them to discover that people who live in cities have as many assholes to probe as those who live in West Bumblefuck.
1. Even if there are no aliens, even if we're the only intelligent life in all creation - in fact, especially if that's the case - I think it would still be a good idea to get the world's military geared up to take on the Kling-Ons. Why? Because then we'll still have all the missiles and cannons and guns, and they'll all be pointing somewhere where there aren't any people.
9. Here we are without warp-speed technology. We've got our cute little mp3 players and quaint i-phones, and we're already bitching about overpopulation. Imagine if our civilization had gotten to the point where we could travel across galaxies. Our species' girth would make our current population look like the membership list for "Gpysies For Hitler!" And there aren't many places out there where we can put our feet up. So as much as upstate NY looks like shit to me, I bet Luke Skywalker and Alf are going to think it's a lush paradise.
8. Look at Jeffrey Dahmer. Even we think we're yummy. What do you think aliens are going to think?
7. Turn the situation around. Imagine our military finds intelligent life on another planet. And it's a species far less technologically advanced than us. With our own home in environmental peril, with the discovery of a new world that is both accessible to us and can sustain life, and with a healthy supply of ammunition, how long before phrases reminiscent of "Manifest destiny" and "internment camps" are resurrected in the national dialogue? Hmmm?
6. Dude. They might take our chicks.
5. Superman can't do everything for us. It isn't like he's the Hulk.
4. Ever see Mars Attacks!? Even Tim Burton thinks aliens are bastards. And that dude thinks zombies and homicidal clowns are cute.
3. Gene Roddenberry was wrong. He saw a united world of equality, free from greed or the very need for money. Heh. Yeah, whatever. Conclusion? Aliens are evil.
2. It is completely possible that aliens' research will eventually lead them to discover that people who live in cities have as many assholes to probe as those who live in West Bumblefuck.
1. Even if there are no aliens, even if we're the only intelligent life in all creation - in fact, especially if that's the case - I think it would still be a good idea to get the world's military geared up to take on the Kling-Ons. Why? Because then we'll still have all the missiles and cannons and guns, and they'll all be pointing somewhere where there aren't any people.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Top 10 Weird Things That Turn Me On
10. Women messing with stuff on TV shopping networks. I don't know what this is about, but I'm convinced there's some kind of strange subliminal plot at work. I have found myself aroused watching women's hands on home shopping networks handling jewelry. Also, when I was surfing stations once, I came upon a TV shopping network where they were trying to sell bed sets. One of the women put her hand under a pillowcase and rubbed the pillow over and over. I nearly impregnated my desk.
9. Women typing. No, seriously. But it has to be a woman, and she has to be typing on a computer keyboard, and she has to be typing quickly but softly. None of that shit with transcribing machines in courtrooms or typewriters.
8. TV weather forecasts given by women, but of course only when they're in front of the big magic map making the clouds move with their sexy arcane powers.
7. Reading. The right female reading voice can either soothe me to a deep slumber or make me appreciate reading in a way the blind dude from Star Trek never talks about.
6. Public Speaking. Pretty much the same as #7. The right woman with the right speaking voice will ensnare me with her lusty voice, whether she's talking about health care or government spending. This is why I watch so much C-Span.
5. Kissing in Showers (showers of WATER, I'm not that weird). Well, duh, getting aroused by being in a shower with a woman isn't particularly odd. But I don't know what it is. Kissing a woman in the shower is just like nothing else in the world.
4. The singing voice of the chick from Garbage. No woman singer has ever turned me on with her voice, except her.
3. Winter clothing. Seriously. Well, it isn't like I see mittens and have to run to the bathroom, but I just love a woman all bundled up with her cheeks all red.
2. Female comedians. I'm such a constant wise ass, that if you can beat me in wise-assery, I effing want your ass.
1. Direct stimulation to the penis. I don't know why. It's just very arousing.
9. Women typing. No, seriously. But it has to be a woman, and she has to be typing on a computer keyboard, and she has to be typing quickly but softly. None of that shit with transcribing machines in courtrooms or typewriters.
8. TV weather forecasts given by women, but of course only when they're in front of the big magic map making the clouds move with their sexy arcane powers.
7. Reading. The right female reading voice can either soothe me to a deep slumber or make me appreciate reading in a way the blind dude from Star Trek never talks about.
6. Public Speaking. Pretty much the same as #7. The right woman with the right speaking voice will ensnare me with her lusty voice, whether she's talking about health care or government spending. This is why I watch so much C-Span.
5. Kissing in Showers (showers of WATER, I'm not that weird). Well, duh, getting aroused by being in a shower with a woman isn't particularly odd. But I don't know what it is. Kissing a woman in the shower is just like nothing else in the world.
4. The singing voice of the chick from Garbage. No woman singer has ever turned me on with her voice, except her.
3. Winter clothing. Seriously. Well, it isn't like I see mittens and have to run to the bathroom, but I just love a woman all bundled up with her cheeks all red.
2. Female comedians. I'm such a constant wise ass, that if you can beat me in wise-assery, I effing want your ass.
1. Direct stimulation to the penis. I don't know why. It's just very arousing.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
10 Bands That Are Easy To Fake #1
Let's say, for some reason, your government calls upon you during a time of dire emergency. Some rock band or singer has died, the government manages to keep their passing a secret, and have created a hyper-realistic android to replace the dead star.
But while the android may be able to successfully ape the pop star's looks and movements, it doesn't have the cognitive thought and creativity necessary to write music. So you, brave soul, are called upon to write the lyrics for a new album for the dead bastard.
Yes, I realize the plausibility of this scenario may make you nervous. It's something we all worry about, whether or not we're willing to talk about it in the open. What follows is the first in a series of lists on how to fake different popular musical artists' lyrical stylings, should the need ever arise. Like, if you have to pretend you're Englebert Humperdink to infiltrate Al-Qaeda or something like that. It could happen. I still think that's what Cat Stevens is up to.
10. Everclear - The theme to remember in writing an Everclear album is disenfranchisement. The lion's share of Everclear's songs fall into two categories. About 95% of them are about either someone being somewhere they don't want to be and wanting to go somewhere else (usually some place in California) or someone being somewhere they don't want to be and then someone they know goes somewhere without them. About 4% are in the Abandoned-By-Daddy category. The rest are miscellaneous. Don't go nuts with the Daddy thing. One song about that per album. Maybe you can mention him in one or two other songs, but only very briefly. Most of the rest should be about college-aged men in dead-end relationships and dead-end towns who dream of going somewhere better. They live near the airport and hear the planes going overhead and people are doing what they can't yadda yadda bullshit bullshit yadda yadda. Just make sure to separate your Whoa's and Yeah's and you should be good. There should always be a Whoa, followed by a little guitar, then a Yeah, and repeat.
9. Cheryl Crow - Deliciously simple. Think of a religious fanatic. Someone who is extremely self-righteous in their faith who believes anyone who does not share that faith is an asshole. Write 12 songs from that character's point of view. Switch the subject in every other song. Sometimes the song should be about how the speaker is so righteous, and other times it should focus more on the wickedness of everyone else. Now - this is the important part - once you have those songs written, go back, take out all the religious crap, and replace it with "happy" and "fun." Replace wickedness with sadness. For example, if you wrote "If you're so righteous, then why do you seem so wicked?" then replace it with "If it makes you happy, then why are you so sad?" Replace "All I want to do is bathe in the light of the Lord" with "All I want to do is have some fun." Once your songs are filled with a strange kind of self-righteousness, in which the speaker's only guiding philosophy is that she is better than everyone else because she has fun while other people worry about things because they're not rich rock stars blowing Eric Clapton, then you've got your album.
8. Counting Crows - Not much to this. Just a few simple rules. At least a couple of times in your albums, make references that only college students/graduates would get. Name at least two of your songs after cities. In at least every three songs, a naked or near-naked woman shows up somewhere towards the end, we don't know her name, and it's the first time she's been mentioned in the song. There should be some kind of implication that she's mentally ill.
7. Glen Danzig - For 90% of your songs, slap together two cheesy genres, like sci-fi and horror, so you have songs with names like "Vampires from Venus." The other 10% should be songs that have to do with violence, sex, and your mother. I know, it's disturbing, but remember this is for your country.
6. Primus - Fishing and farm animals. Go nuts.
5. Weird Al - Well, this would seem obvious, but there's a story that should make it clearer what you're looking for here. Weird Al is apparently good friends with Victoria Jackson. Way back when Nirvana did Saturday Night Live, Al called Jackson and asked her to get Cobain on the phone so he could ask his permission to lampoon "Smells Like Teen Spirit". Cobain's initial reaction - "It isn't about food, is it?" So, there ya go. Whatever you do, make sure it's about food.
4. Cake - Doesn't matter at all. Even if you're doing a horrible cover of a classic Black Sabbath tune. Just make sure you have three guys yelling "HEY!" in unison at regular intervals.
3. Meatloaf - Just get in the mindset of a musical theater geek who thinks he's a rock star. And remember, every time you write a song, if you don't mention "rock 'n' roll" at least 6 times in the song itself, it isn't fucking finished.
2. Nine Inch Nails - Hate Women.
1. The Ramones - Don't even try it. No one can mimick their glory. Terd.
But while the android may be able to successfully ape the pop star's looks and movements, it doesn't have the cognitive thought and creativity necessary to write music. So you, brave soul, are called upon to write the lyrics for a new album for the dead bastard.
Yes, I realize the plausibility of this scenario may make you nervous. It's something we all worry about, whether or not we're willing to talk about it in the open. What follows is the first in a series of lists on how to fake different popular musical artists' lyrical stylings, should the need ever arise. Like, if you have to pretend you're Englebert Humperdink to infiltrate Al-Qaeda or something like that. It could happen. I still think that's what Cat Stevens is up to.
10. Everclear - The theme to remember in writing an Everclear album is disenfranchisement. The lion's share of Everclear's songs fall into two categories. About 95% of them are about either someone being somewhere they don't want to be and wanting to go somewhere else (usually some place in California) or someone being somewhere they don't want to be and then someone they know goes somewhere without them. About 4% are in the Abandoned-By-Daddy category. The rest are miscellaneous. Don't go nuts with the Daddy thing. One song about that per album. Maybe you can mention him in one or two other songs, but only very briefly. Most of the rest should be about college-aged men in dead-end relationships and dead-end towns who dream of going somewhere better. They live near the airport and hear the planes going overhead and people are doing what they can't yadda yadda bullshit bullshit yadda yadda. Just make sure to separate your Whoa's and Yeah's and you should be good. There should always be a Whoa, followed by a little guitar, then a Yeah, and repeat.
9. Cheryl Crow - Deliciously simple. Think of a religious fanatic. Someone who is extremely self-righteous in their faith who believes anyone who does not share that faith is an asshole. Write 12 songs from that character's point of view. Switch the subject in every other song. Sometimes the song should be about how the speaker is so righteous, and other times it should focus more on the wickedness of everyone else. Now - this is the important part - once you have those songs written, go back, take out all the religious crap, and replace it with "happy" and "fun." Replace wickedness with sadness. For example, if you wrote "If you're so righteous, then why do you seem so wicked?" then replace it with "If it makes you happy, then why are you so sad?" Replace "All I want to do is bathe in the light of the Lord" with "All I want to do is have some fun." Once your songs are filled with a strange kind of self-righteousness, in which the speaker's only guiding philosophy is that she is better than everyone else because she has fun while other people worry about things because they're not rich rock stars blowing Eric Clapton, then you've got your album.
8. Counting Crows - Not much to this. Just a few simple rules. At least a couple of times in your albums, make references that only college students/graduates would get. Name at least two of your songs after cities. In at least every three songs, a naked or near-naked woman shows up somewhere towards the end, we don't know her name, and it's the first time she's been mentioned in the song. There should be some kind of implication that she's mentally ill.
7. Glen Danzig - For 90% of your songs, slap together two cheesy genres, like sci-fi and horror, so you have songs with names like "Vampires from Venus." The other 10% should be songs that have to do with violence, sex, and your mother. I know, it's disturbing, but remember this is for your country.
6. Primus - Fishing and farm animals. Go nuts.
5. Weird Al - Well, this would seem obvious, but there's a story that should make it clearer what you're looking for here. Weird Al is apparently good friends with Victoria Jackson. Way back when Nirvana did Saturday Night Live, Al called Jackson and asked her to get Cobain on the phone so he could ask his permission to lampoon "Smells Like Teen Spirit". Cobain's initial reaction - "It isn't about food, is it?" So, there ya go. Whatever you do, make sure it's about food.
4. Cake - Doesn't matter at all. Even if you're doing a horrible cover of a classic Black Sabbath tune. Just make sure you have three guys yelling "HEY!" in unison at regular intervals.
3. Meatloaf - Just get in the mindset of a musical theater geek who thinks he's a rock star. And remember, every time you write a song, if you don't mention "rock 'n' roll" at least 6 times in the song itself, it isn't fucking finished.
2. Nine Inch Nails - Hate Women.
1. The Ramones - Don't even try it. No one can mimick their glory. Terd.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Top 10 Best Things To Say On Your Deathbed Moments Before Succumbing To The Inevitable
10. GERONIMO!
9. Open the window. I'm gonna fart.
8. Here she comes! Kiss my ass Wiesenthal!
7. The treasure chest? Oh, right. I'll tell you guys where that is tomorrow.
6. Okay. Okay. This time I'm quitting smoking for good.
5. Well, shit, I hope this Atheism thing works out. Cross your fingers!
4. 42
3. My God. It's full of stars.
2. I am slain!
1. Son, listen, before I. You know. Go. There's something I have to say. You remember that whole thing that happened when you were 5? The whole thing with me molesting you? Totally as much my fault as it was your's.
9. Open the window. I'm gonna fart.
8. Here she comes! Kiss my ass Wiesenthal!
7. The treasure chest? Oh, right. I'll tell you guys where that is tomorrow.
6. Okay. Okay. This time I'm quitting smoking for good.
5. Well, shit, I hope this Atheism thing works out. Cross your fingers!
4. 42
3. My God. It's full of stars.
2. I am slain!
1. Son, listen, before I. You know. Go. There's something I have to say. You remember that whole thing that happened when you were 5? The whole thing with me molesting you? Totally as much my fault as it was your's.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Top 10 Women I Want To Have Sex With Even Though I Don't Know Their Names
10. Lost and Law & Order: SVU Chick
You know how you'll see an actor and know in your bones you've seen him/her somewhere before, but you just can't place it, and you keep beating your head trying to figure out who it is because for some reason you think checking IMDB would be cheating and you'd get less Get-Into-Heaven points for doing it?
Well, when this chick showed up on Lost, I was visited by this familiar torture, and at the same time I was sure that whenever I had seen her in whatever show or film I had seen her in, she had made my jeans tight.
Eventually, I gave up and checked IMDB, but at first that didn't help. I couldn't see anything in her entry that I recognized. The only thing was Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, but that didn't help. Who the hell hasn't been on one or more of those shows?
Then I remembered. She was in one of the more memorable episodes of Law & Order: SVU. She played a mother on trial for killing her newborn baby and dumping it in the East River. So, yeah it sort of bothered me that I remembered her with such tumescence, but not too much.
In this picture she's all laughy, but usually she has this quiet, intense look on her face. Like she's either going to jump your bones or conspire your violent downfall. Or both. That's kind of cool.
9. House's Boss
I don't think House's boss seemed very attractive to me at first, but over time somehow House convinced me she was hot. She kind of seems like the less she likes you as a person, the more she wants to mate with you. I'm going to write a 10 page list of insults and send them to her.
8. Skinny Chick from Kalifornia and ST: TNG
She was in Kalifornia, she was a morally ambiguous alien on Star Trek: The Next Generation, and got JFK'd in the new Battlestar Galactica.
I think she's hot. That is all.
7. Chick from Angel and Law & Order
She was in Angel. She was in Law & Order. I don't know which one she was in first. She's got eyes and lips that make me go googly in the knees. And her character never had sex with Angel, so she's a-okay in my book.
6. In Plain Sight Chick
She's hot and she's got a gun. Plus, according to the commercials, her sister and mother tend sleep with her boyfriends. Three for one!
5. Police Captain from Psych
She's just cute. I like her.
4. Tony Soprano's Russian Mistress
She's got a sexy accent and nice chestlies. I'd have to get a hypnotist to give her amnesia afterwards or something, though. She's a bit stalker-ish.
Well...actually, what the hell. A stalker would be a nice change.
3. Jenny Calendar from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
I totally would've gone to a monster truck rally with her without complaining. This picture is from the episode when Xander accidentally casts a spell on himself that makes every woman in Sunnydale lust after him - the only episode in which I wanted to be Xander.
Angel killed her though. Stupid Angel.
I totally would have killed that bastard in Season 1.
2. Evil Battlestar Galactica chick
I would SO sell out humanity for some of that. Screw you, Statue of Liberty!
1.Temp Chick - No picture for #1 unfortunately.
Some years ago, I had a temp job at an insurance company. It was only for a week. There was a girl temping with me - very quiet, very shy - and we hit it off. It was tough getting her attention, but it turned out we took the same bus home together, and I got the distinct impression she liked me. I wanted to ask her out, but my plan was to wait until the end of the week, when my temp assignment ended, so there would be no weird "but we work together" stuff.
I came into work on Friday and she wasn't there. She'd called the temp agency and quit. No explanation.
I remembered her telling me the area in which she lived, so I actually spent a couple of afternoons just walking around that area, hoping to run into her, but no joy. And it was a brave act on my part. There was a psychiatric institution nearby, and I was pretty sure if I got too close, the bastards would yank me in with a tractor beam.
Never found her, never saw her again. I had a freaky dream about her a couple of weeks later, but that's for another list.
You know how you'll see an actor and know in your bones you've seen him/her somewhere before, but you just can't place it, and you keep beating your head trying to figure out who it is because for some reason you think checking IMDB would be cheating and you'd get less Get-Into-Heaven points for doing it?
Well, when this chick showed up on Lost, I was visited by this familiar torture, and at the same time I was sure that whenever I had seen her in whatever show or film I had seen her in, she had made my jeans tight.
Eventually, I gave up and checked IMDB, but at first that didn't help. I couldn't see anything in her entry that I recognized. The only thing was Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, but that didn't help. Who the hell hasn't been on one or more of those shows?
Then I remembered. She was in one of the more memorable episodes of Law & Order: SVU. She played a mother on trial for killing her newborn baby and dumping it in the East River. So, yeah it sort of bothered me that I remembered her with such tumescence, but not too much.
In this picture she's all laughy, but usually she has this quiet, intense look on her face. Like she's either going to jump your bones or conspire your violent downfall. Or both. That's kind of cool.
9. House's Boss
I don't think House's boss seemed very attractive to me at first, but over time somehow House convinced me she was hot. She kind of seems like the less she likes you as a person, the more she wants to mate with you. I'm going to write a 10 page list of insults and send them to her.
8. Skinny Chick from Kalifornia and ST: TNG
She was in Kalifornia, she was a morally ambiguous alien on Star Trek: The Next Generation, and got JFK'd in the new Battlestar Galactica.
I think she's hot. That is all.
7. Chick from Angel and Law & Order
She was in Angel. She was in Law & Order. I don't know which one she was in first. She's got eyes and lips that make me go googly in the knees. And her character never had sex with Angel, so she's a-okay in my book.
6. In Plain Sight Chick
She's hot and she's got a gun. Plus, according to the commercials, her sister and mother tend sleep with her boyfriends. Three for one!
5. Police Captain from Psych
She's just cute. I like her.
4. Tony Soprano's Russian Mistress
She's got a sexy accent and nice chestlies. I'd have to get a hypnotist to give her amnesia afterwards or something, though. She's a bit stalker-ish.
Well...actually, what the hell. A stalker would be a nice change.
3. Jenny Calendar from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
I totally would've gone to a monster truck rally with her without complaining. This picture is from the episode when Xander accidentally casts a spell on himself that makes every woman in Sunnydale lust after him - the only episode in which I wanted to be Xander.
Angel killed her though. Stupid Angel.
I totally would have killed that bastard in Season 1.
2. Evil Battlestar Galactica chick
I would SO sell out humanity for some of that. Screw you, Statue of Liberty!
1.Temp Chick - No picture for #1 unfortunately.
Some years ago, I had a temp job at an insurance company. It was only for a week. There was a girl temping with me - very quiet, very shy - and we hit it off. It was tough getting her attention, but it turned out we took the same bus home together, and I got the distinct impression she liked me. I wanted to ask her out, but my plan was to wait until the end of the week, when my temp assignment ended, so there would be no weird "but we work together" stuff.
I came into work on Friday and she wasn't there. She'd called the temp agency and quit. No explanation.
I remembered her telling me the area in which she lived, so I actually spent a couple of afternoons just walking around that area, hoping to run into her, but no joy. And it was a brave act on my part. There was a psychiatric institution nearby, and I was pretty sure if I got too close, the bastards would yank me in with a tractor beam.
Never found her, never saw her again. I had a freaky dream about her a couple of weeks later, but that's for another list.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Top 10 Things That Everyone Else Seems To Like That I, Nevertheless, Hate
10. Harry Potter - I don't really hate Harry Potter. I don't like him either. I've never read any of the books, so I have no clear opinion. But it feels like something I should hate.
9. Porn - It doesn't do anything for
Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya.
9. Poultry and Seafood - That's right. I drive people nuts. I won't eat poultry. I won't eat seafood. I'm not a vegetarian - I love beef. My theory is that the problem is the presentation. Fried chicken is a dead thing. A bowl of shrimp is a whole bunch of dead things. A hamburger is a dead thing. But a hamburger doesn't look like a dead thing. It just looks a bunch of stuff with bread. It could be anything. But a bowl of shrimp is clearly a bowl of dead things. And yeah, there's plenty of ways to present seafood or poultry so that it doesn't look like the thing it was before it was killed, but I've already been exposed too much of it that did look like dead stuff, that I'm spoiled on it forever. I know. It makes no sense.
8. Lesbian sex - Allow me to clarify. I have nothing against lesbians or lesbians having sex. They should have sex as much as anyone else and have just as much fun doing it. I just don't get as turned on by it as other guys. I think it's because I'm too selfish. I see two women kissing, it doesn't turn me on. It pisses me off. I think "Hey! What about Mick?"
7. Those Squawky Mobile Phones - There are mobile phones, and there are walkie-talkies. PICK ONE! JESUS, those things are so fucking annoying. What, do you need to feel like a truck driver or something?
6. Kevin Smith's movies - This may seem surprising, considering our physical similarities. That's part of the problem, honestly. He stole my look.
5. John Leguizamo - I just want to attach electrodes to his balls and turn the car battery on every time he either shoves his face close enough to the camera lens to lick it, or dances. If he stops those two things, I'm on board.
4. Bars - I like alcohol. I don't drink much, but I like alcohol. I hate bars. I don't want to squeeze together with that many drunk, sweaty people. It's like an orgy without the orgy.
3. Oral Sex - I don't know why, it just doesn't do anyt
Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya.
3. Quentin Tarantino's dialogue - A lot of it is great. But you can tell that he's gotten successful enough that he can tell editors to go fuck themselves at times when their advice needs to be heeded. That diner scene in the second half of Grindhouse was such torture, I thought I would catch a flight to Guantanamo Bay for a break. Every other line started with "What do you mean you never heard of (insert name of obscure 70's movie, tv show or song here)." It was like a Tarantino fan doing a bad Tarantino impression. I haven't been so happy to see Kurt Russel kill somebody since he thwacked Lo Pan in the head in Big Trouble in Little China.
2. The 80's - I was there. They sucked.
1. Thanksgiving - The dumbest holiday ever. What do you do? EAT? Hello! I do that three times a day! And to add insult to injury, you have to do it with your family? What the fuck? How about a holiday where we walk really fast or breathe really deep?
Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya.
9. Poultry and Seafood - That's right. I drive people nuts. I won't eat poultry. I won't eat seafood. I'm not a vegetarian - I love beef. My theory is that the problem is the presentation. Fried chicken is a dead thing. A bowl of shrimp is a whole bunch of dead things. A hamburger is a dead thing. But a hamburger doesn't look like a dead thing. It just looks a bunch of stuff with bread. It could be anything. But a bowl of shrimp is clearly a bowl of dead things. And yeah, there's plenty of ways to present seafood or poultry so that it doesn't look like the thing it was before it was killed, but I've already been exposed too much of it that did look like dead stuff, that I'm spoiled on it forever. I know. It makes no sense.
8. Lesbian sex - Allow me to clarify. I have nothing against lesbians or lesbians having sex. They should have sex as much as anyone else and have just as much fun doing it. I just don't get as turned on by it as other guys. I think it's because I'm too selfish. I see two women kissing, it doesn't turn me on. It pisses me off. I think "Hey! What about Mick?"
7. Those Squawky Mobile Phones - There are mobile phones, and there are walkie-talkies. PICK ONE! JESUS, those things are so fucking annoying. What, do you need to feel like a truck driver or something?
6. Kevin Smith's movies - This may seem surprising, considering our physical similarities. That's part of the problem, honestly. He stole my look.
5. John Leguizamo - I just want to attach electrodes to his balls and turn the car battery on every time he either shoves his face close enough to the camera lens to lick it, or dances. If he stops those two things, I'm on board.
4. Bars - I like alcohol. I don't drink much, but I like alcohol. I hate bars. I don't want to squeeze together with that many drunk, sweaty people. It's like an orgy without the orgy.
Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya.
3. Quentin Tarantino's dialogue - A lot of it is great. But you can tell that he's gotten successful enough that he can tell editors to go fuck themselves at times when their advice needs to be heeded. That diner scene in the second half of Grindhouse was such torture, I thought I would catch a flight to Guantanamo Bay for a break. Every other line started with "What do you mean you never heard of (insert name of obscure 70's movie, tv show or song here)." It was like a Tarantino fan doing a bad Tarantino impression. I haven't been so happy to see Kurt Russel kill somebody since he thwacked Lo Pan in the head in Big Trouble in Little China.
2. The 80's - I was there. They sucked.
1. Thanksgiving - The dumbest holiday ever. What do you do? EAT? Hello! I do that three times a day! And to add insult to injury, you have to do it with your family? What the fuck? How about a holiday where we walk really fast or breathe really deep?
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