10 Bands That Are Easy To Fake #1

Let's say, for some reason, your government calls upon you during a time of dire emergency. Some rock band or singer has died, the government manages to keep their passing a secret, and have created a hyper-realistic android to replace the dead star.

But while the android may be able to successfully ape the pop star's looks and movements, it doesn't have the cognitive thought and creativity necessary to write music. So you, brave soul, are called upon to write the lyrics for a new album for the dead bastard.

Yes, I realize the plausibility of this scenario may make you nervous. It's something we all worry about, whether or not we're willing to talk about it in the open. What follows is the first in a series of lists on how to fake different popular musical artists' lyrical stylings, should the need ever arise. Like, if you have to pretend you're Englebert Humperdink to infiltrate Al-Qaeda or something like that. It could happen. I still think that's what Cat Stevens is up to.


10. Everclear - The theme to remember in writing an Everclear album is disenfranchisement. The lion's share of Everclear's songs fall into two categories. About 95% of them are about either someone being somewhere they don't want to be and wanting to go somewhere else (usually some place in California) or someone being somewhere they don't want to be and then someone they know goes somewhere without them. About 4% are in the Abandoned-By-Daddy category. The rest are miscellaneous. Don't go nuts with the Daddy thing. One song about that per album. Maybe you can mention him in one or two other songs, but only very briefly. Most of the rest should be about college-aged men in dead-end relationships and dead-end towns who dream of going somewhere better. They live near the airport and hear the planes going overhead and people are doing what they can't yadda yadda bullshit bullshit yadda yadda. Just make sure to separate your Whoa's and Yeah's and you should be good. There should always be a Whoa, followed by a little guitar, then a Yeah, and repeat.

9. Cheryl Crow - Deliciously simple. Think of a religious fanatic. Someone who is extremely self-righteous in their faith who believes anyone who does not share that faith is an asshole. Write 12 songs from that character's point of view. Switch the subject in every other song. Sometimes the song should be about how the speaker is so righteous, and other times it should focus more on the wickedness of everyone else. Now - this is the important part - once you have those songs written, go back, take out all the religious crap, and replace it with "happy" and "fun." Replace wickedness with sadness. For example, if you wrote "If you're so righteous, then why do you seem so wicked?" then replace it with "If it makes you happy, then why are you so sad?" Replace "All I want to do is bathe in the light of the Lord" with "All I want to do is have some fun." Once your songs are filled with a strange kind of self-righteousness, in which the speaker's only guiding philosophy is that she is better than everyone else because she has fun while other people worry about things because they're not rich rock stars blowing Eric Clapton, then you've got your album.

8. Counting Crows - Not much to this. Just a few simple rules. At least a couple of times in your albums, make references that only college students/graduates would get. Name at least two of your songs after cities. In at least every three songs, a naked or near-naked woman shows up somewhere towards the end, we don't know her name, and it's the first time she's been mentioned in the song. There should be some kind of implication that she's mentally ill.

7. Glen Danzig - For 90% of your songs, slap together two cheesy genres, like sci-fi and horror, so you have songs with names like "Vampires from Venus." The other 10% should be songs that have to do with violence, sex, and your mother. I know, it's disturbing, but remember this is for your country.

6. Primus - Fishing and farm animals. Go nuts.

5. Weird Al - Well, this would seem obvious, but there's a story that should make it clearer what you're looking for here. Weird Al is apparently good friends with Victoria Jackson. Way back when Nirvana did Saturday Night Live, Al called Jackson and asked her to get Cobain on the phone so he could ask his permission to lampoon "Smells Like Teen Spirit". Cobain's initial reaction - "It isn't about food, is it?" So, there ya go. Whatever you do, make sure it's about food.

4. Cake - Doesn't matter at all. Even if you're doing a horrible cover of a classic Black Sabbath tune. Just make sure you have three guys yelling "HEY!" in unison at regular intervals.

3. Meatloaf - Just get in the mindset of a musical theater geek who thinks he's a rock star. And remember, every time you write a song, if you don't mention "rock 'n' roll" at least 6 times in the song itself, it isn't fucking finished.

2. Nine Inch Nails - Hate Women.

1. The Ramones - Don't even try it. No one can mimick their glory. Terd.