Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya.
9. Poultry and Seafood - That's right. I drive people nuts. I won't eat poultry. I won't eat seafood. I'm not a vegetarian - I love beef. My theory is that the problem is the presentation. Fried chicken is a dead thing. A bowl of shrimp is a whole bunch of dead things. A hamburger is a dead thing. But a hamburger doesn't look like a dead thing. It just looks a bunch of stuff with bread. It could be anything. But a bowl of shrimp is clearly a bowl of dead things. And yeah, there's plenty of ways to present seafood or poultry so that it doesn't look like the thing it was before it was killed, but I've already been exposed too much of it that did look like dead stuff, that I'm spoiled on it forever. I know. It makes no sense.
8. Lesbian sex - Allow me to clarify. I have nothing against lesbians or lesbians having sex. They should have sex as much as anyone else and have just as much fun doing it. I just don't get as turned on by it as other guys. I think it's because I'm too selfish. I see two women kissing, it doesn't turn me on. It pisses me off. I think "Hey! What about Mick?"
7. Those Squawky Mobile Phones - There are mobile phones, and there are walkie-talkies. PICK ONE! JESUS, those things are so fucking annoying. What, do you need to feel like a truck driver or something?
6. Kevin Smith's movies - This may seem surprising, considering our physical similarities. That's part of the problem, honestly. He stole my look.
5. John Leguizamo - I just want to attach electrodes to his balls and turn the car battery on every time he either shoves his face close enough to the camera lens to lick it, or dances. If he stops those two things, I'm on board.
4. Bars - I like alcohol. I don't drink much, but I like alcohol. I hate bars. I don't want to squeeze together with that many drunk, sweaty people. It's like an orgy without the orgy.
Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya.
3. Quentin Tarantino's dialogue - A lot of it is great. But you can tell that he's gotten successful enough that he can tell editors to go fuck themselves at times when their advice needs to be heeded. That diner scene in the second half of Grindhouse was such torture, I thought I would catch a flight to Guantanamo Bay for a break. Every other line started with "What do you mean you never heard of (insert name of obscure 70's movie, tv show or song here)." It was like a Tarantino fan doing a bad Tarantino impression. I haven't been so happy to see Kurt Russel kill somebody since he thwacked Lo Pan in the head in Big Trouble in Little China.
2. The 80's - I was there. They sucked.
1. Thanksgiving - The dumbest holiday ever. What do you do? EAT? Hello! I do that three times a day! And to add insult to injury, you have to do it with your family? What the fuck? How about a holiday where we walk really fast or breathe really deep?
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