10. Women messing with stuff on TV shopping networks. I don't know what this is about, but I'm convinced there's some kind of strange subliminal plot at work. I have found myself aroused watching women's hands on home shopping networks handling jewelry. Also, when I was surfing stations once, I came upon a TV shopping network where they were trying to sell bed sets. One of the women put her hand under a pillowcase and rubbed the pillow over and over. I nearly impregnated my desk.
9. Women typing. No, seriously. But it has to be a woman, and she has to be typing on a computer keyboard, and she has to be typing quickly but softly. None of that shit with transcribing machines in courtrooms or typewriters.
8. TV weather forecasts given by women, but of course only when they're in front of the big magic map making the clouds move with their sexy arcane powers.
7. Reading. The right female reading voice can either soothe me to a deep slumber or make me appreciate reading in a way the blind dude from Star Trek never talks about.
6. Public Speaking. Pretty much the same as #7. The right woman with the right speaking voice will ensnare me with her lusty voice, whether she's talking about health care or government spending. This is why I watch so much C-Span.
5. Kissing in Showers (showers of WATER, I'm not that weird). Well, duh, getting aroused by being in a shower with a woman isn't particularly odd. But I don't know what it is. Kissing a woman in the shower is just like nothing else in the world.
4. The singing voice of the chick from Garbage. No woman singer has ever turned me on with her voice, except her.
3. Winter clothing. Seriously. Well, it isn't like I see mittens and have to run to the bathroom, but I just love a woman all bundled up with her cheeks all red.
2. Female comedians. I'm such a constant wise ass, that if you can beat me in wise-assery, I effing want your ass.
1. Direct stimulation to the penis. I don't know why. It's just very arousing.
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