10. Your name could've been "Finbar". We yelled at your Dad a lot. You're welcome.
9. Hey, if you want some REAL money, keep the toys in their packages. Well. At least some of them.
8. Learn to sleep in busy-looking poses. School and work will be much more rewarding.
7. Hulk is the strongest one there is. Don't question it. Just know it.
6. You'll start to learn jokes soon. There are a lot of potentially offensive subjects you'll want to avoid. Just remember that no one ever minds when you make fun of Polish people.
5. The secret of playing Six Degrees of Separation is Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Everyone forgets it was Kevin Bacon racing Steve Martin for the taxi in the beginning. Only go to JFK if you have to, cuz, like, everyone's in that movie. Go there if you have to, but it's the pussy move.
4. You are probably going to eventually think a particular entertainer is a rebellious genius. They are going to overdose on narcotics, blow their heads off, hang themselves, or find some other way to get themselves killed. Be prepared for it.
3. Whenever you go into a hotel or motel, turn on the TV and look for Law & Order. If you can't find an episode of it within an hour of entering the room, you have entered an alternate dimension where everyone's lizards and there's no Law & Order. Bar the doors and load your gun, they'll be coming for you soon.
2. A large percentage of the people your parents direct you to call "uncle" or "aunt" aren't actually related. Remember that. Me. REAL uncle. ME. ME.
1. Walk without rhythm. Tell Fatboy Slim to kiss your ass.
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