10. When drunk, I am surprisingly coherent and eloquent. I'm still a slurring, clumsy monkey, but you'll never meet a smarter drunk who's hitting on your Mom or breaking furniture.
9. Apparently, people who see me but don't know me get the impression that I'm some big, tough guy. I'm totally not, but I look like I ate a Hell's Angel, and it's kept me safe in relatively unsafe neighborhoods.
8. Everyone wants to have sex with me. I understand. It's cool. It's a lot of pressure, but I can handle it.
7. My rich, developed imagination takes me to fantastic worlds of wonder and majesty. I don't even need porn.
6. My musical taste is better than yours.
5. My name. It's cool. It took me a long time to appreciate it, and substitute teachers' roll calls didn't help, but I'm cool with it now. And it totally contributes to #8.
4. Kids love me. No, really. They flock to me like I'm made of candy. I don't love kids nearly as much as they love me, and frankly wish they'd leave me the hell alone sometimes, but it just feels good to know kids think you're the bee's knees. I mean, that's gotta give me some points.
3. My facial hair. I just love it.
2. My girlfriend. And I'm sorry that her presence fucks up #8 for the rest of you. Sorry. She's just the only one for me.
1. I could totally kick your ass.
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