10. Time off from work or, alternatively, holiday pay.
9. Cartman's version of "Oh Holy Night".
8. I regard my celebration of Christmas much in the same way I regard being an uncle. I'm not a Christian, but I still celebrate Christmas and so don't worry about whether or not I'm paying attention to what Christmas is really all about. It's just like being an uncle. All of the fun. None of the responsibility.
7. Chucking snowballs at Carolers. If they can't sing under duress, fuck 'em. They shouldn't be in the field.
6. The fact that my psycho ex-girlfriend is now my psycho ex-girlfriend, and so I no longer have to take 5 planes and 6 buses and 3 car rides every other Christmas to whatever middle-of-fucking-nowhere place her family is gathering to show how much they don't like being around each other.
5. I don't watch TV, and so don't have to deal with It's a Wonderful Life! Fuck you, movie house.
4. Waiting on the roof with a shotgun. I'll get that bastard one of these years.
3. Occasionally really hitting one out of the park gift-giving wise. Like, my Dad is really tough to buy gifts for. He's a perfect example of the kind of person I mentioned in yesterday's list. I always used to ask him what he wanted, he always told me I didn't have to get him anything, I always got him something anyway, and while he tried to hide it I could tell he was always disappointed. One year, though, I tried extra hard to find something he'd like. No more cologne or ties or anything like that. I got him Todd McFarlane-designed action figures of The Beatles. They were modeled after the animated Beatles from that Yellow Submarine cartoon, and I could tell he really dug them. That was a first, and unfortunately, so far, a last.
2. Now that I have two beautiful nephews, I get to enjoy watching them go nuts over Christmas in a way I just can't anymore.
1. Free shit.
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