10. A little over a week after moving to Schenectady from East Greenbush, I haven't seen a single person wearing camouflage. Of course, that could just mean it's working.
9. When I cook things on the stove, the burner keeps the pots and pans level. When I make omelettes in the morning, I don't even have to tilt the pan to make it come out right. That just seems too easy.
8. Speaking of the stove, when I turn the burners on, fire comes out of them. That seems extreme.
7. In spite of all the noise about the great Italian eateries in Schenectady, I've been to at least four of them, used the restroom each time, and haven't found a single gun taped behind a single toilet.
6. I miss what I liked to call my Leopard-Baby Shower. See, our new bathroom is painted a very pleasant green. As evidenced by my old apartment, I prefer a shower ceiling so infested with mold it looks like the belly of a leopard. Then I can pretend my mama leopard is nursing me while I rinse and repeat.
5. What part of Schenectady are we in? North? South? I have no idea. East Greenbush made it very clear.
4. I don't know how the hell my girlfriend cleaned her clothes because I can't find the coin slots in the washer.
3. Our apartment's on the second floor, so we can actually leave our windows open without worrying about neighbors seeing us in our undergarments. How the hell am I supposed to sate my exhibitionist cravings now? I mean, I could run downstairs naked, but that's just bizarre.
2. In our last apartment I had an office. In our new apartment, I have an office, but so does my girlfriend. Which seems selfish.
1. Don't know when the people who are supposed to organize all my crap are going to show up, but they're goddamned LATE.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Top 10 Songs I Only Like Because of a Movie, TV Show, or Commercial
10. "God Moving Over The Face Of The Water" by Moby from Everything Is Wrong
Heat felt about 5 hours longer than it needed to be, and the final scene featuring Al Pacino holding the hand of a dying Robert Deniro was kind of...weird. But the music was good.
I wanted to post a video of Heat's final scene, but embedding is disabled. You can watch it here. The music starts about 01:30 into the clip.
9. "My Body is a Cage" by Peter Gabriel from Scratch My Back
Probably the most interesting part about seeing Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows in the theater was the trailer for John Carter. I wasn't particularly attracted to the trailer itself, but was surprised to recognize the lyrics to Arcade Fire's "My Body is a Cage" being sung by someone who was definitely not Aracde Fire's frontman. I looked it up when I got home and learned Peter Gabriel did a cover album called Scratch My Back including the Arcade Fire tune.
I like Gabriel's interpretation though I admit I have no idea what the song has to do - thematically or otherwise - with John Carter. But then again, I don't know the character at all, just like the guy in the theater who, at the end of the trailer, said very loudly so everyone else in the theater could hear, "Who the hell is John Carter?"
8. "Short Change Hero" by The Heavy from The House That Dirt Built
I hunted down this tune after hearing it on a TV spot for Batman: Arkham City. I never thought I would be picking my music from video game commercials, but hey. It's a cool tune. The full song is good, but the beginning is fairly lame. There's an intro including what is clearly supposed to be a cowboy walking meaningfully somewhere in a heroic manner - a saloon, a coral, or some bullshit - but whoever was handling the sound effects didn't seem to know what footsteps sound like. It sounds like someone is just rhythmically dropping sacks of dirt.
7. "My Weakness" by Moby from Play
Not only is this the second Moby song on my list, but it's the first of two songs I only heard because of The X-Files. "My Weakness" was used perfectly in a scene late in the series when Fox Mulder finally finds his long lost sister (maybe) as a ghost running around in the woods. I found the music so heartbreaking I had to hunt down the name of the artist. I think this is probably the first time I learned Moby's name.
The clip above is about the closest to the actual scene I could find online. It's slowed down to include the entire song, but most of the other clips I found were just weird "tributes" to the scene.
6. "I Saved the World Today" by the Eurythmics from Peace
The Sopranos is one of my favorite television series, and the clip featured in the video above is one of the show endings I remember best, and the reason it's so memorable is the song. As I recall, the scene occurs when Tony returns home after cleaning up after his sister impulsively murdered her fiance. When Carmella makes the snide comment about committing suicide, she's alluding to Tony's Russian mistress who attempted suicide earlier in the show. There's something just perfect about Tony returning home after a long night of bloody work and being delivered an emotional knuckle sandwich. And the song is the cherry on top. It's funny, considering the circumstances, and Annie Lennox's voice is one of the absolute last voices you expect to hear at the end of an episode of The Sopranos. Without this episode, I never would've cared about this song. As it stands, it's part of my ipod's regular rotation.
5. "I'm Shipping Up To Boston" by The Dropkick Murphys from The Warrior's Code
The music from The Departed made me a big fan of The Warrior's Code, though I don't know if I can rightly say I'm a Dropkick Murphys fan. I like them, but in small doses. And actually, I wouldn't say "I'm Shipping Up To Boston" is my favorite of their songs.
4. "Sinnerman" by Nina Simone from Pastel Blues
I'm a little embarrassed that I had no idea who Nina Simone was until I saw this episode of Scrubs, was immediately struck by the song, and looked it up (the Internet rocks). I love the 10-minute long version of the song, and it's another one that finds regular rotation on my music player.
3. "Ring the Bells" by James from Seven
The scene above is from the episode "D.P.O.," the third episode of the third season of The X-Files. It was the first time I'd heard "Ring the Bells," and I instantly loved it though, for reasons that become clear about 3 minutes into the clip, I don't often listen to it in the car.
If you've never seen the episode, you should watch the first 4 minutes or so not just for the song, but because the opening scene introduced quite a bit of the world to both Giovanni Ribisi and Jack Black.
2. "Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Is In)" by The First Edition from The First Edition
I would've lived a long, happy life without ever knowing Kenny Rogers ever sang about LSD if it weren't for The Big Lebowski.
Of course, embedding is disabled on this clip as well, but you can watch it here.
1. "A Little Respect" by Erasure from The Innocents
There is really no reason for me to like this goddamn song. It's a dance song. It's an '80s song. By all rights I should be burning Erasure CDs in big piles in Nuremberg stadium. But after it was used as a common thread in an early episode of Scrubs, it became a guilty pleasure. And every time I listen to it, I think of JD running down the hallway, hoping to outrun his imprisonment in The Friend Zone.
Of course, I never tried to discover a little something to make me sweeter.
Why not?
Heat felt about 5 hours longer than it needed to be, and the final scene featuring Al Pacino holding the hand of a dying Robert Deniro was kind of...weird. But the music was good.
I wanted to post a video of Heat's final scene, but embedding is disabled. You can watch it here. The music starts about 01:30 into the clip.
9. "My Body is a Cage" by Peter Gabriel from Scratch My Back
Probably the most interesting part about seeing Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows in the theater was the trailer for John Carter. I wasn't particularly attracted to the trailer itself, but was surprised to recognize the lyrics to Arcade Fire's "My Body is a Cage" being sung by someone who was definitely not Aracde Fire's frontman. I looked it up when I got home and learned Peter Gabriel did a cover album called Scratch My Back including the Arcade Fire tune.
I like Gabriel's interpretation though I admit I have no idea what the song has to do - thematically or otherwise - with John Carter. But then again, I don't know the character at all, just like the guy in the theater who, at the end of the trailer, said very loudly so everyone else in the theater could hear, "Who the hell is John Carter?"
8. "Short Change Hero" by The Heavy from The House That Dirt Built
I hunted down this tune after hearing it on a TV spot for Batman: Arkham City. I never thought I would be picking my music from video game commercials, but hey. It's a cool tune. The full song is good, but the beginning is fairly lame. There's an intro including what is clearly supposed to be a cowboy walking meaningfully somewhere in a heroic manner - a saloon, a coral, or some bullshit - but whoever was handling the sound effects didn't seem to know what footsteps sound like. It sounds like someone is just rhythmically dropping sacks of dirt.
7. "My Weakness" by Moby from Play
Not only is this the second Moby song on my list, but it's the first of two songs I only heard because of The X-Files. "My Weakness" was used perfectly in a scene late in the series when Fox Mulder finally finds his long lost sister (maybe) as a ghost running around in the woods. I found the music so heartbreaking I had to hunt down the name of the artist. I think this is probably the first time I learned Moby's name.
The clip above is about the closest to the actual scene I could find online. It's slowed down to include the entire song, but most of the other clips I found were just weird "tributes" to the scene.
6. "I Saved the World Today" by the Eurythmics from Peace
The Sopranos is one of my favorite television series, and the clip featured in the video above is one of the show endings I remember best, and the reason it's so memorable is the song. As I recall, the scene occurs when Tony returns home after cleaning up after his sister impulsively murdered her fiance. When Carmella makes the snide comment about committing suicide, she's alluding to Tony's Russian mistress who attempted suicide earlier in the show. There's something just perfect about Tony returning home after a long night of bloody work and being delivered an emotional knuckle sandwich. And the song is the cherry on top. It's funny, considering the circumstances, and Annie Lennox's voice is one of the absolute last voices you expect to hear at the end of an episode of The Sopranos. Without this episode, I never would've cared about this song. As it stands, it's part of my ipod's regular rotation.
5. "I'm Shipping Up To Boston" by The Dropkick Murphys from The Warrior's Code
The music from The Departed made me a big fan of The Warrior's Code, though I don't know if I can rightly say I'm a Dropkick Murphys fan. I like them, but in small doses. And actually, I wouldn't say "I'm Shipping Up To Boston" is my favorite of their songs.
4. "Sinnerman" by Nina Simone from Pastel Blues
I'm a little embarrassed that I had no idea who Nina Simone was until I saw this episode of Scrubs, was immediately struck by the song, and looked it up (the Internet rocks). I love the 10-minute long version of the song, and it's another one that finds regular rotation on my music player.
3. "Ring the Bells" by James from Seven
The scene above is from the episode "D.P.O.," the third episode of the third season of The X-Files. It was the first time I'd heard "Ring the Bells," and I instantly loved it though, for reasons that become clear about 3 minutes into the clip, I don't often listen to it in the car.
If you've never seen the episode, you should watch the first 4 minutes or so not just for the song, but because the opening scene introduced quite a bit of the world to both Giovanni Ribisi and Jack Black.
2. "Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Is In)" by The First Edition from The First Edition
I would've lived a long, happy life without ever knowing Kenny Rogers ever sang about LSD if it weren't for The Big Lebowski.
Of course, embedding is disabled on this clip as well, but you can watch it here.
1. "A Little Respect" by Erasure from The Innocents
There is really no reason for me to like this goddamn song. It's a dance song. It's an '80s song. By all rights I should be burning Erasure CDs in big piles in Nuremberg stadium. But after it was used as a common thread in an early episode of Scrubs, it became a guilty pleasure. And every time I listen to it, I think of JD running down the hallway, hoping to outrun his imprisonment in The Friend Zone.
Of course, I never tried to discover a little something to make me sweeter.
Why not?
Monday, January 30, 2012
The Top 10 Songs that Helped Me Survive 2011
There are a lot of good reasons to believe the people who subscribe to the Mayan calendar end-of-the-world theories are too stupid to operate can openers without a football helmet and a court-appointed supervisor. The ending of a calendar does not necessarily equate the ending of actual time. If that shit worked, every employee in the world would be taking hammers to clocks by 10 am. And even if the Mayans did mean to signal the end of the world with the end of their calendar, why in Hulk's name would they know any better than the rest of us? Particularly since they were apparently unable to predict their own demise at the hands of us sadistic Europeans?
But I don't need logic. I don't need brains. I know the world is not going to end in 2012, and I know it because 2011 was such a tower of neverending SHIT, that if the world was going to end, it would have ended then.
For Christmas, my girlfriend ordered custom t-shirts from Cafe Press announcing "I SURVIVED 2011" for me and her family. It was a joke, but it wasn't. She lost her father in 2011 and her mother less than a year before.
By the end of 2011 I would lose two members of my own extended family and an old friend from college. I spent all of May 2011 as a juror in a locally prominent murder trial that filled my nights with horrific images and infected me with an irrational fear for my life and those of my loved ones. A few months later, I was laid off from a job after seven and a half years of employment. 2011 sucked and sucked hard.
So far, 2012 is looking a lot better. I'm organizing a reunion of my old college friends. My girlfriend and I are moving into a new, bigger apartment. I have a new civil service position that pays more than the 7.5 with the bastards who gave me the boot. New year, new job, new home. If 2012 is the end of the world, at least I'll die with a smile.
I rekindled my love for music in 2011. In part, it was necessity. After the lay off I got a data entry job, and without music data entry can be too boring for words. Well, scratch that, with music, it's too boring for words; but it's endurable. And the murder trial necessitated long, lonely bus trips with nothing to do.
Much like my angsty teenage years, music helped sustain my spirits in 2011. But unlike the anger that fueled me and my writing in those days, the music I listened to in 2011 was music of hope. Every once in a while I listened to the old, angry stuff. In fact, somewhere in the middle of 2011 I recall briefly but fiercely reigniting my love for '80s speed metal.
But for the most part, the songs I listened to in 2011 said the same thing: "Things suck now, but they're going to get better." Really, in spirit, they're mostly more modern versions of Journey's "Don't Stop Believing."
10. "We Want A Rock" by They Might Be Giants from Flood
New music was never so important as it was when I got a data entry job a month after the lay off. I began by listening exclusively to my favorites, and soon my favorites became ho-hum. You never realize how long 8 hours is and how short your albums are until you need the latter to survive the former.
Data entry made me not only find as much new music as I could, but explore old albums deeper. Flood is an album I've owned, it seems, forever, but never really listened to the whole way through. I would leapfrog around the album, never really listening to anything past "Particle Man." Data entry changed that, and I'm glad it did. "We Want A Rock," was one of the first of the undiscovered songs to catch my attention. Though I have to say the stark weirdness of "Whistling in the Dark" was very fitting in a data entry environment, in a this-is-the-song-that-will-be-playing-when-the-final-drop-of-your-soul-leaks-out kind of way. I also think the prominence of prosthetic foreheads in "We Want A Rock" struck a chord, as it was around this time I started getting into Star Trek.
9. "The Good Life" by Weezer from Pinkerton
This list will probably a bit more serious than most of my lists, though "The Good Life" is one of the few songs that helped sustain me in more of a humorous way. Around the time I learned about the passing of my friend from college, nostalgia took over. I started seeing the good old days back in college as a glorious, untouched, Camelot-inspired time of happiness and rainbows, and everything after was the result of a steep, dark descent into the pee-stained corner of the men's room of whatever cheap dive Tom Waits's soul will go to if/when he kicks the bucket.
On my morning drive, when I would blast "The Good Life" and scream along to it, I was making fun of myself. I was laughing at my own nostalgic horseshit.
8. "The Cave" by Mumford & Sons from Sigh No More
Mumford & Sons specializes in "Things suck now, but they're going to get better" songs, though I can only take them in small doses.
7. "Letterbomb" by Green Day from American Idiot
I'm not sure why, but I've found the music I enjoy most during data entry is music from soundtracks or so-called "concept" albums. I don't enjoy shuffling, and you can't really stop to pick and choose every few minutes because you risk the ire of the
Because of this, I finally broke down and listened to American Idiot, and fell in love.
6. "The Crane Wife Part 1 & 2" by The Decemberists from The Crane Wife
The Decemberists's more recent album, The King Is Dead, was often my very first listen of the morning during data entry. Most of the songs are upbeat, but they don't rock particularly hard so my brain didn't get jostled too early. The tune "Rox in the Box," about hard labor in a mine, is not necessarily the best song to listen to at work, however.
I honestly have mixed feelings about the music. I was introduced to the band by one of the few people from my old job who I both considered a friend and who subsequently treated me like I was a phantom as soon as I got my walking papers, so it sometimes serves as an unpleasant reminder. But whatever. At least the music is good.
After enjoying The King Is Dead I took The Crane Wife and The Hazards of Love out of the library. I loved The Crane Wife, which kind of seems like one half of a concept album, while The Hazards of Love gave me a headache. There's a song in there that's nothing but a conversation between a son and his mother, and it seemed about 80,000 hours longer than it needed to be.
5. "Dog Days Are Over" by Florence + The Machine from Lungs
The first time I heard this song, it made me want to change my life.
4. "All These Things That I've Done" by The Killers from Hot Fuss
Of the things I feel qualified to critique, music is not one of them. There was a time when I read Rolling Stone and Spin regularly, when I felt I had a hold on the music critic lingo, when I could understand when they just slapped two half-words together like "alterna-core," but I am way the hell out of practice. It seems so cliche to say but it's true; when Cobain died I lost interest. I didn't lose interest in music, but in the music "news," the gossip, the critics, the celebrity, and everything else.
But if I were ever called upon to name the best goddamned rock song ever, I think this would be a contender, if not the no-brainer champion. Everything I love about rock 'n' roll is in this song.
3. "This Too Shall Pass" by Ok Go from Of the Blue Colour of the Sky
At my previous job, the one where I was eventually laid off, I'd had a bad day. I don't know what in particular happened on that day and it's not important. I just remember waiting at a red light in Arbor Hill on the way to the entrance ramp to I-90, and crying as I heard the words I desperately needed to hear: "Let it go. This too shall pass." And thank Hulk, it did.
2. "Wake Up" by Arcade Fire from Funeral
A college friend (not the one, thankfully, who passed) suggested I check out Arcade Fire. I took their albums Funeral and Neon Bible out of the library while I was on jury duty. One morning, while I waited for the bus and tried not to look at the bus stop's newspaper vending machines (both of which featured front page stories of the trial, which you're supposed to avoid if you're on a jury, in case you didn't know), I randomly chose "Wake Up."
I'd probably heard it before, in the trailer for Where the Wild Things Are if nowhere else, but I didn't remember it.
It was exactly what I needed to hear. I wouldn't say the trial left me in any deep despair, but it was difficult. I felt the responsibility on my shoulders, and I'll never get the images from the crime scene video out of my head. I would have to look up some of the lyrics to the song later, but I understood enough of them to relate them to what I was going through. When I heard "We're just a million little gods causin' rainstorms, turnin' every good thing to rust," I thought of the images from the crime scene video and wondered what little god turned those good things to rust. When the song started with "Somethin' filled up my heart with nothin'" I knew what my "somethin'" was and I wanted it to end so I could go back to my life.
1. "Fix You" by Coldplay from X & Y
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm gay because I like Coldplay. Yep that's funny. If you haven't seen another movie in 10 years. Dick.
Monday, October 3, 2011
My Top 10 Favorite TV Villains
10. Cigarette Smoking Man from The X-Files
I always liked the idea of this guy more than the execution. I found him more chilling in the beginning of the series, when he just seemed like a guy in the background of Walter Skinner's office. Once he started showing up in parking garages all smoky and trenchcoat-clad, two steps away from a modern day Darth Vader (in more than one way, considering how long the creators allowed the gossip to build that he was Fox Mulder's real father), it was a little over the top. He seemed scarier as an - as Stephen King might put it - officious little prick than as the earthly god of black ops.
Still, the character left a sizable mark on the pop culture landscape, and that has to be respected.
9. Q from Star Trek
A good friend is such a stalwart fan of Star Trek's most enduring trickster that she will be both proud Q made the list and disappointed that A) he's on the low end of the totem pole and B) I put him in a list of villains.
And as far as the latter is concerned, she'd be right. Calling Q an out-and-out villain is to miss the point of Q entirely. He certainly rates as "antagonist" and an entertaining one at that, but after watching a hell of a lot more of Star Trek lately than usual I'm convinced that Q genuinely wants to help humanity; even if he can't do it without being a dick at the same time. More importantly, I appreciate the irony that as insufferable as all the various captains find Q, he's really no more condescending toward humanity than the Federation is toward, you know, EVERYONE.
But still, I think he causes enough trouble to rate on a list of villains for enjoyment's sake, if nothing else. He did send the Enterprise into the arms of the Borg, thereby unleashing a deadly engine of death and destruction on the Federation and her people. So, you know, that could measure up as a little villainy.
8. Michael Scott from The Office
No, no, no. Michael Scott is a villain. He was certainly more sympathetic than his English counterpart - and I would argue the slow decline in quality of The Office over the years coincided with more stories that made Scott out to be The Hero - but if The Office ever had a bad guy, it was Michael. The fact that we all love the dumb bastard is just part of the show's genius.
7. The Chicken from Family Guy
Last year I had the opportunity to see The Daily Show's John Oliver on stage in Pittsfield. I was laughing so much and so loudly that at one point, I swear to Hulk, he looked right at me and said, "Could you possibly laugh a little less?" Which, of course, just made me laugh more.
And it's that kind of near-religious level of almost dangerously long and hard laughter that accompanied my first viewing of one of the epic battles between Peter Griffin and the Chicken on Family Guy.
Occasionally on Family Guy, in the middle of the story and for no apparent reason (there is apparently some narrative explanation earlier in the series, but I don't remember), Peter Griffin and this Chicken Man start beating the hell out of one another. The fight starts off like a bar brawl and inevitably reaches Hulk Vs. Thor levels of destruction. The fights are usually uninterrupted for at least 5 minutes, stop-and-start about a half dozen times, and end with half the city in ruins. If you ever saw Roddy Piper and Keith David fight at the end of They Live, it's kind of like that except intentionally funny and stupid.
6. Caleb from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Among Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans, the seventh and final season is generally held in very low regard, and for a lot of very good reasons. But Nathan Fillion's Caleb was a bright spot. A bright spot of brutal, violent, and depraved death, but still a bright spot. Of all the Buffy villains important enough to last more than an episode or two, I'd say Caleb was one of the most disturbing and intimidating. He was a bad guy so genuinely scary that you actually believed he might snuff out a few of the headlining good guys. He didn't, but not for lack of trying. He's the reason why Xander Harris looked like Nick Fury for the rest of the series.
5. Sylar from Heroes
There was so damn much wrong with Heroes and it's a real shame. The first season was certainly better than what followed, but it had its share of bad.
Still, say what you want about the rest of the series, I can never fault Zachary Quinto's portrayal of the show's brain-eating bad guy. Like Buffy's Caleb, he was so freaking chilling you believed he might really kill some of the main characters. Unlike Buffy's Caleb, he goddamn did.
Unfortunately, true to its comic book roots, Heroes decided to ruin their successful bad guy by making the audience believe he wouldn't be a bad guy anymore. And then that he would. And then that he wouldn't. And then that he would. Etc.
4. Benjamin Linus from Lost
Benjamin Linus made me feel dumb. As jaded and pop-culture-worldly as I like to consider myself, that Machiavellian bastard fooled me. When they captured him, brought him down to the hatch and kept him prisoner, I really, really, really wanted to believe he was the rich, bored jerk whose hot-air ballon crashed on the island, just like he claimed. He convinced me more than once that he had nothing to do with the engimatic Others.
And of course, eventually he proved to not only be one of them, but that he was their leader.
Just as the case was with Sylar from Heroes, even though Lost was not always the best show, Michael Emerson consistently did a fantastic job as the morally ambiguous Benjamin.
3. Tony Soprano from The Sopranos
There is something particularly haunting about The Sopranos. For me, it has something to do with what it taught me about where we let our sympathies live. If there is such a thing as evil, Tony Soprano lays claim to it. He's funny, charismatic, loving toward his family (sometimes), and maybe even just a teeny bit more thoughtful than your average TV gangster, but he's also an evil prick. And I don't think the creators ever tried to sugar-coat that. They never tried to make him a gangster with a heart of gold. They showed his deception. More importantly they showed the ramifications of Tony's actions on others.
Still we cared about Tony and we wanted him to succeed. We certainly didn't want the Uncle Juniors or the Richie Apriles of Tony's world to gobble him up.
And the reason I think is simply because Tony Soprano was a part of our life. If the show was called The Leotardos and the main character was Phil Leotardo, then it would've been Tony Soprano we would have seen as the bad guy in those last two seasons. It would've been Phil we would've rooted for. We want the people in our lives to be protected and to succeed, which is why we were behind Tony no matter how much of a satannic prick he was. And that's a little interesting considering that's always the gangster's justification for doing what he does: to protect the people in his life.
2. Gustavo Fring from Breaking Bad
If an episode of Breaking Bad is halfway to the end and I haven't seen Gustavo yet, I start getting genuinely goddamn angry.
I don't know what it is about the guy. I've seen Giancarlo Esposito in stuff for years, but I've never so viscerally enjoyed his work before his portrayal of the cold, calculating drug lord of Breaking Bad. His quiet viciousness, his manipulative - yet somehow genuine - civility, and that deadly stare are just lots of fun to watch.
I remember thinking Jack Nicholson's Joker was so funny I almost didn't want Batman to win. I don't think Gustavo is very funny, but otherwise I kind of feel the same. I know eventually it will probably come down to either Walter White - Breaking Bad's main character - killing Gustavo or the other way around, and I don't look forward to that.
1. Walter White from Breaking Bad
Believe me, I'm as disappointed as you are that I've been forced to break one of the cardinal list-making rules. You need diversity. In the case of this list, I shouldn't have two characters from the same show and if I absolutely HAVE TO have two characters from the same show, I certainly shouldn't place them back-to-back.
But I can't help it. Actually, choosing between Walter White and Gustavo for the #1 spot was the toughest part of this list.
Walt won for one main reason: I believe in Walter White more than any other villain I've seen in film or television. I believe that guy is out there or that he will happen, or could happen. I believe his story. I never imagined the father from Malcolm in the Middle would play such an affecting character.
I also like the fact that Bryan Cranston seems to genuinely appreciate the gift Breaking Bad gave him. AMC had one of those commercials where they showed clips of the various actors speaking about the series as if they were being interviewed by someone other than the people signing their paychecks, and Cranston said something along the lines of "This is the role of my life." And I just thought, you know...good for you. Good for you for not bitching about typecasting. Not that the David Duchovnys and Sarah Michelle Gellars of the world don't have reason to bitch, but man it is nice when they don't.
Not to mention that I think Cranston is talented enough he won't have to wait for 20 years to be ironically cast in comedies.
I always liked the idea of this guy more than the execution. I found him more chilling in the beginning of the series, when he just seemed like a guy in the background of Walter Skinner's office. Once he started showing up in parking garages all smoky and trenchcoat-clad, two steps away from a modern day Darth Vader (in more than one way, considering how long the creators allowed the gossip to build that he was Fox Mulder's real father), it was a little over the top. He seemed scarier as an - as Stephen King might put it - officious little prick than as the earthly god of black ops.
Still, the character left a sizable mark on the pop culture landscape, and that has to be respected.
9. Q from Star Trek
A good friend is such a stalwart fan of Star Trek's most enduring trickster that she will be both proud Q made the list and disappointed that A) he's on the low end of the totem pole and B) I put him in a list of villains.
And as far as the latter is concerned, she'd be right. Calling Q an out-and-out villain is to miss the point of Q entirely. He certainly rates as "antagonist" and an entertaining one at that, but after watching a hell of a lot more of Star Trek lately than usual I'm convinced that Q genuinely wants to help humanity; even if he can't do it without being a dick at the same time. More importantly, I appreciate the irony that as insufferable as all the various captains find Q, he's really no more condescending toward humanity than the Federation is toward, you know, EVERYONE.
But still, I think he causes enough trouble to rate on a list of villains for enjoyment's sake, if nothing else. He did send the Enterprise into the arms of the Borg, thereby unleashing a deadly engine of death and destruction on the Federation and her people. So, you know, that could measure up as a little villainy.
8. Michael Scott from The Office
No, no, no. Michael Scott is a villain. He was certainly more sympathetic than his English counterpart - and I would argue the slow decline in quality of The Office over the years coincided with more stories that made Scott out to be The Hero - but if The Office ever had a bad guy, it was Michael. The fact that we all love the dumb bastard is just part of the show's genius.
7. The Chicken from Family Guy
Last year I had the opportunity to see The Daily Show's John Oliver on stage in Pittsfield. I was laughing so much and so loudly that at one point, I swear to Hulk, he looked right at me and said, "Could you possibly laugh a little less?" Which, of course, just made me laugh more.
And it's that kind of near-religious level of almost dangerously long and hard laughter that accompanied my first viewing of one of the epic battles between Peter Griffin and the Chicken on Family Guy.
Occasionally on Family Guy, in the middle of the story and for no apparent reason (there is apparently some narrative explanation earlier in the series, but I don't remember), Peter Griffin and this Chicken Man start beating the hell out of one another. The fight starts off like a bar brawl and inevitably reaches Hulk Vs. Thor levels of destruction. The fights are usually uninterrupted for at least 5 minutes, stop-and-start about a half dozen times, and end with half the city in ruins. If you ever saw Roddy Piper and Keith David fight at the end of They Live, it's kind of like that except intentionally funny and stupid.
6. Caleb from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Among Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans, the seventh and final season is generally held in very low regard, and for a lot of very good reasons. But Nathan Fillion's Caleb was a bright spot. A bright spot of brutal, violent, and depraved death, but still a bright spot. Of all the Buffy villains important enough to last more than an episode or two, I'd say Caleb was one of the most disturbing and intimidating. He was a bad guy so genuinely scary that you actually believed he might snuff out a few of the headlining good guys. He didn't, but not for lack of trying. He's the reason why Xander Harris looked like Nick Fury for the rest of the series.
5. Sylar from Heroes
There was so damn much wrong with Heroes and it's a real shame. The first season was certainly better than what followed, but it had its share of bad.
Still, say what you want about the rest of the series, I can never fault Zachary Quinto's portrayal of the show's brain-eating bad guy. Like Buffy's Caleb, he was so freaking chilling you believed he might really kill some of the main characters. Unlike Buffy's Caleb, he goddamn did.
Unfortunately, true to its comic book roots, Heroes decided to ruin their successful bad guy by making the audience believe he wouldn't be a bad guy anymore. And then that he would. And then that he wouldn't. And then that he would. Etc.
4. Benjamin Linus from Lost
Benjamin Linus made me feel dumb. As jaded and pop-culture-worldly as I like to consider myself, that Machiavellian bastard fooled me. When they captured him, brought him down to the hatch and kept him prisoner, I really, really, really wanted to believe he was the rich, bored jerk whose hot-air ballon crashed on the island, just like he claimed. He convinced me more than once that he had nothing to do with the engimatic Others.
And of course, eventually he proved to not only be one of them, but that he was their leader.
Just as the case was with Sylar from Heroes, even though Lost was not always the best show, Michael Emerson consistently did a fantastic job as the morally ambiguous Benjamin.
3. Tony Soprano from The Sopranos
There is something particularly haunting about The Sopranos. For me, it has something to do with what it taught me about where we let our sympathies live. If there is such a thing as evil, Tony Soprano lays claim to it. He's funny, charismatic, loving toward his family (sometimes), and maybe even just a teeny bit more thoughtful than your average TV gangster, but he's also an evil prick. And I don't think the creators ever tried to sugar-coat that. They never tried to make him a gangster with a heart of gold. They showed his deception. More importantly they showed the ramifications of Tony's actions on others.
Still we cared about Tony and we wanted him to succeed. We certainly didn't want the Uncle Juniors or the Richie Apriles of Tony's world to gobble him up.
And the reason I think is simply because Tony Soprano was a part of our life. If the show was called The Leotardos and the main character was Phil Leotardo, then it would've been Tony Soprano we would have seen as the bad guy in those last two seasons. It would've been Phil we would've rooted for. We want the people in our lives to be protected and to succeed, which is why we were behind Tony no matter how much of a satannic prick he was. And that's a little interesting considering that's always the gangster's justification for doing what he does: to protect the people in his life.
2. Gustavo Fring from Breaking Bad
If an episode of Breaking Bad is halfway to the end and I haven't seen Gustavo yet, I start getting genuinely goddamn angry.
I don't know what it is about the guy. I've seen Giancarlo Esposito in stuff for years, but I've never so viscerally enjoyed his work before his portrayal of the cold, calculating drug lord of Breaking Bad. His quiet viciousness, his manipulative - yet somehow genuine - civility, and that deadly stare are just lots of fun to watch.
I remember thinking Jack Nicholson's Joker was so funny I almost didn't want Batman to win. I don't think Gustavo is very funny, but otherwise I kind of feel the same. I know eventually it will probably come down to either Walter White - Breaking Bad's main character - killing Gustavo or the other way around, and I don't look forward to that.
1. Walter White from Breaking Bad
Believe me, I'm as disappointed as you are that I've been forced to break one of the cardinal list-making rules. You need diversity. In the case of this list, I shouldn't have two characters from the same show and if I absolutely HAVE TO have two characters from the same show, I certainly shouldn't place them back-to-back.
But I can't help it. Actually, choosing between Walter White and Gustavo for the #1 spot was the toughest part of this list.
Walt won for one main reason: I believe in Walter White more than any other villain I've seen in film or television. I believe that guy is out there or that he will happen, or could happen. I believe his story. I never imagined the father from Malcolm in the Middle would play such an affecting character.
I also like the fact that Bryan Cranston seems to genuinely appreciate the gift Breaking Bad gave him. AMC had one of those commercials where they showed clips of the various actors speaking about the series as if they were being interviewed by someone other than the people signing their paychecks, and Cranston said something along the lines of "This is the role of my life." And I just thought, you know...good for you. Good for you for not bitching about typecasting. Not that the David Duchovnys and Sarah Michelle Gellars of the world don't have reason to bitch, but man it is nice when they don't.
Not to mention that I think Cranston is talented enough he won't have to wait for 20 years to be ironically cast in comedies.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek: The Next Generation
Before going on, please note, I don't hate Star Trek: The Next Generation. After reading a twitter exchange between me and another blogger that was critical of The Next Generation, a friend listed 21 episodes of TNG that he found impressive and still enjoyed watching. I decided to take his list as something of a challenge and committed to watching all the episodes he mentioned and blog about them.
You can read what I had to say about those episodes over at Superheroes, etc. But here at List SMASH! I wanted to talk a little bit about all the things that bothered me about TNG and what's kept me away until now.
10. This guy.
9. That Guy.
8. The Holodeck.
Yes, I think the idea of the holodeck is very cool. Yes, I want one for myself. Yes, if I had one I would use it for things that would require age verification and a credit card.
But the thing never works like it's supposed to. Ever. Ever. It always tries to kill everyone. It always almost destroys the ship. I love my XBox but if it threatened to blow up my apartment twice a month I think I'd find a way to let go.
7. The races.
First, they're boring. You pick a single defining quality and presto, you've got a Star Trek race. Warlike? Klingons. Greedy? Ferengi. Logical? Vulcans. Annoying? Long Islanders.
Second, all non-human characters are defined by the fact that they aren't human. You never see Picard or Riker pounding their chests and proclaiming, "We! Are! HUMAN!" But if a new Klingon character shows up and doesn't roar "We! Are! KLINGON!" within the first five minutes, the FCC fines Gene Roddenberry's estate.
Third, all of this is particularly annoying because of the recurrent themes in Star Trek: The Next Generation. I mean, it's one thing to watch or read Lord of the Rings and realize that an elf is an elf and that's really all you need to know about him. But it seems to me a series as preachy about tolerance and diversity as Star Trek: The Next Generation should be a bit more imaginative when it comes to conceiving alien races.
6. Time travel.
There seem to be a lot of Trek fans who don't have a high opinion of Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home. Say what you want about Leonard Nimoy's not-remotely-subtle animal conservation message, Star Trek IV treated time travel with respect. It was treated as something unique, something tough to achieve, something incredibly risky, and something not to be undertaken lightly.
I wondered, back when the Trek spin-offs were doing well, why they didn't produce a time-travel-specific Trek series. Star Trek: Journey Through Time or Star Trek: Future Imperfect or Star Trek: Oh Crap, My Watch is Wrong. I quickly answered myself: because, starting with TNG, time travel became so commonplace in the franchise that a time-travel-specific show would be redundant.
More importantly, it seemed eventually time travel became the only way for the writers to actually do something interesting with an episode. When I think of the TNG episodes that genuinely impressed me, they're usually time travel episodes like "Yesterday's Enterprise" and the series finale "All Good Things..."
5. Lights.
What's futuristic or advanced or even particularly functional about having little itty bitty lights that fit in your palm? Sure, the Star Trek creators can't foresee some things. Maybe it isn't their fault that it took them 4 series, 8 movies, and 5 different incarnations of the Enterprise to bring motion sensor activated bathroom sinks into the distant future when rest stops and shopping malls had them for years. But little flashlights? They didn't even try with that one.
4. Morality plays.
Maybe this is a criticism you could easily level at the original Trek series. I couldn't say, I haven't watched it in years. Maybe you could even level it at most television series.
Regardless, I'm not a big fan of TNG's preachiness, in spite of the fact that the beliefs promoted are usually in line with my own. Maybe it's because I want TNG to feel less like other TV. Maybe it's because I just want more spaceships going boom and fewer speeches about intervening in other cultures or why sentient piles of slime shouldn't have to use separate water fountains.
3. TNG's less adventurous spirit compared to the original series.
Kirk fought lizard men hand-to-hand.
Picard mediated trade disputes.
The Borg would never have worked in the original series. Well, okay maybe that's not true. The Borg may have worked in the original Star Trek, but they wouldn't have been as memorable. The Borg would've been a dime-a-dozen in Kirk's rogue's gallery.
But in TNG? With its diplomatic intrigue and Holodeck explorations and its ruminations on the nature of reality? As a race that could not be negotiated with, that would not end the episode by turning the other cheek and admitting that maybe they had something to learn from the Federation too, that would simply kill or consume any jerk in bright tights it came across; the Borg were something truly unique in TNG.
I think this is part of why I've recently found I enjoy Star Trek: Voyager more than I ever liked TNG. Because of Voyager's premise, I feel like there's a constant sense of peril that was also present in the original series but lacking in TNG.
2. The notion that I should care whether or not automated people are real people.
And I don't just mean that in reference to Data. Over and over again, there's this question of whether or not characters in the freaking holodeck are real people with individual rights. I just am not sure how the question of whether or not a hologram facsimile of Sherlock Holmes's fictional nemesis is a real person with the right to exist holds any weight in my life. You know, I think BioShock is a really nifty video game, but I'm not going to march for the characters' rights to vote.
1. Tasha Yar.
The Tupac Shakur of Star Trek. Sneaky minx figured out a way to show up more after she was dead than while she was alive.
You can read what I had to say about those episodes over at Superheroes, etc. But here at List SMASH! I wanted to talk a little bit about all the things that bothered me about TNG and what's kept me away until now.
10. This guy.
9. That Guy.
8. The Holodeck.
Yes, I think the idea of the holodeck is very cool. Yes, I want one for myself. Yes, if I had one I would use it for things that would require age verification and a credit card.
But the thing never works like it's supposed to. Ever. Ever. It always tries to kill everyone. It always almost destroys the ship. I love my XBox but if it threatened to blow up my apartment twice a month I think I'd find a way to let go.
7. The races.
First, they're boring. You pick a single defining quality and presto, you've got a Star Trek race. Warlike? Klingons. Greedy? Ferengi. Logical? Vulcans. Annoying? Long Islanders.
Second, all non-human characters are defined by the fact that they aren't human. You never see Picard or Riker pounding their chests and proclaiming, "We! Are! HUMAN!" But if a new Klingon character shows up and doesn't roar "We! Are! KLINGON!" within the first five minutes, the FCC fines Gene Roddenberry's estate.
Third, all of this is particularly annoying because of the recurrent themes in Star Trek: The Next Generation. I mean, it's one thing to watch or read Lord of the Rings and realize that an elf is an elf and that's really all you need to know about him. But it seems to me a series as preachy about tolerance and diversity as Star Trek: The Next Generation should be a bit more imaginative when it comes to conceiving alien races.
6. Time travel.
There seem to be a lot of Trek fans who don't have a high opinion of Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home. Say what you want about Leonard Nimoy's not-remotely-subtle animal conservation message, Star Trek IV treated time travel with respect. It was treated as something unique, something tough to achieve, something incredibly risky, and something not to be undertaken lightly.
I wondered, back when the Trek spin-offs were doing well, why they didn't produce a time-travel-specific Trek series. Star Trek: Journey Through Time or Star Trek: Future Imperfect or Star Trek: Oh Crap, My Watch is Wrong. I quickly answered myself: because, starting with TNG, time travel became so commonplace in the franchise that a time-travel-specific show would be redundant.
More importantly, it seemed eventually time travel became the only way for the writers to actually do something interesting with an episode. When I think of the TNG episodes that genuinely impressed me, they're usually time travel episodes like "Yesterday's Enterprise" and the series finale "All Good Things..."
5. Lights.
What's futuristic or advanced or even particularly functional about having little itty bitty lights that fit in your palm? Sure, the Star Trek creators can't foresee some things. Maybe it isn't their fault that it took them 4 series, 8 movies, and 5 different incarnations of the Enterprise to bring motion sensor activated bathroom sinks into the distant future when rest stops and shopping malls had them for years. But little flashlights? They didn't even try with that one.
4. Morality plays.
Maybe this is a criticism you could easily level at the original Trek series. I couldn't say, I haven't watched it in years. Maybe you could even level it at most television series.
Regardless, I'm not a big fan of TNG's preachiness, in spite of the fact that the beliefs promoted are usually in line with my own. Maybe it's because I want TNG to feel less like other TV. Maybe it's because I just want more spaceships going boom and fewer speeches about intervening in other cultures or why sentient piles of slime shouldn't have to use separate water fountains.
3. TNG's less adventurous spirit compared to the original series.
Kirk fought lizard men hand-to-hand.
Picard mediated trade disputes.
The Borg would never have worked in the original series. Well, okay maybe that's not true. The Borg may have worked in the original Star Trek, but they wouldn't have been as memorable. The Borg would've been a dime-a-dozen in Kirk's rogue's gallery.
But in TNG? With its diplomatic intrigue and Holodeck explorations and its ruminations on the nature of reality? As a race that could not be negotiated with, that would not end the episode by turning the other cheek and admitting that maybe they had something to learn from the Federation too, that would simply kill or consume any jerk in bright tights it came across; the Borg were something truly unique in TNG.
I think this is part of why I've recently found I enjoy Star Trek: Voyager more than I ever liked TNG. Because of Voyager's premise, I feel like there's a constant sense of peril that was also present in the original series but lacking in TNG.
2. The notion that I should care whether or not automated people are real people.
And I don't just mean that in reference to Data. Over and over again, there's this question of whether or not characters in the freaking holodeck are real people with individual rights. I just am not sure how the question of whether or not a hologram facsimile of Sherlock Holmes's fictional nemesis is a real person with the right to exist holds any weight in my life. You know, I think BioShock is a really nifty video game, but I'm not going to march for the characters' rights to vote.
1. Tasha Yar.
The Tupac Shakur of Star Trek. Sneaky minx figured out a way to show up more after she was dead than while she was alive.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Top 10 Reactions To Being Laid Off
10. A lot of people talk about how social networking sites make things more treacherous for employees or potential employees; how people are less productive or how they tend to unwisely post things their employers shouldn't see and almost inevitably will see. I found that yesterday, after being laid off, as I walked from my recently-former job to a bus stop downtown, social networking helped more than it could ever hurt. I was upset and I wanted comfort. I posted what happened on twitter and facebook, but since I didn't want to come off as whiny I forced myself to be funny. The result was that as the well-wishes and support arrived, forcing myself to be funny also forced me to look at things objectively. I was upset and wanted to vent, and who couldn't understand that? But I knew I had two choices: I could hide under the covers for a month and bemoan my lot in life or I could hit the ground running. I don't know if that positive attitude would have settled on me so quickly without the communication with my friends on social networking sites. So no, I don't think calling your boss things that rhyme with "Rock Trucker" on your facebook is wise, but social networking has its uses no matter how easy it is to make fun of.
9. As far as my former employer is concerned, I am content to take the advice of Vince Neil who sang:
Girl, just go away.
In this case, I want to be the girl.
And that's the last time I ever write "I want to be the girl."
8. Being laid off reminds me of how well things work out when I act on my feelings. What I mean is that when I decided to lose weight, I didn't do it because it would help me live longer or because it would help stave off debilitating medical conditions. I didn't do it because it would make me more physically attractive. I did it because, physically, I felt like shit and I didn't want to feel like shit anymore. Same situation when I quit smoking. No one would criticize me for quitting smoking because of all the horrible conditions it can cause, because of the smell, because of the expense, or because of the ever-growing social stigma. I did it because smoking made me feel, physically, like shit and I didn't want to feel like shit anymore. Now, I was obviously very upset after the lay-off, I'm quite active on social networking sites and blogs, and it would have been very easy for me get trigger-happy with my former employer and vent all over the place. There are a lot of good reasons for me to not do that. It would burn bridges. It would certainly not look good to potential employers. It would probably make any former co-workers on Facebook and twitter take me right the hell off their lists because what good would it do them for me to poison their wells? But when it comes right down to it, the reason I didn't do it is that I knew vomiting ill will all over the Internet would just prolong the anger and humiliation. It would just make me feel like shit that much longer. I wish I could say I'm a pragmatist, but when it comes down to it I don't have a Machiavelli bone in my body. I would make the worst Sun-Tzu in the world. I have no mind for strategy. I just don't want to feel like shit.
7. Less than an hour after the lay-off, my phone rang. It was a call for a job interview.
6. Here's how that phone call really made me question my atheism: the job interview is scheduled for Thursday morning. If I had not been laid off, my job duties would have required I drive to Glens Falls - a 45 minute to an hour drive from Albany - Thursday morning. Getting out of the trip to make the interview would have been difficult if not impossible, particularly since I was already supposed to leave early Thursday afternoon for a doctor appointment.
5. For about 2 years I've taken every civil service test I could. I've been to so many tests, I'm surprised the test proctors don't know me by name and give me high-fives on the way in. The tests are held in local high schools on the weekend. I can't believe there are high schools left I haven't taken tests in yet. Albany High, Troy High, Schenectady High, Rensselaer High, OH! By the way. Local High Schools? Make your damn desks bigger already. Don't you know there's an obesity epidemic in this country?
4. When I chose to "hit the ground running," what was most miraculous about the choice was that it was, in fact, a choice. I pictured myself venting and sulking. I pictured myself spending days and and weeks and months fantasizing the epic speeches I would give my former employers; how I would tell them off and make them feel bad. I pictured how miserable every drop of it would make me, and it somehow occurred to me that I could choose to not do that.
3. My job was my job. It helped me pay for food and rent and doctors. Eventually, I came to believe it didn't have much of a future. I felt like I had nowhere else to go; that I was at a dead end. I would lie if I said that right now all I feel is freedom. What happened hurt and it will hurt for a bit, I think. And who wouldn't, in the same situation, want to leave on their own terms? But that job is not my job anymore, I think this is mostly a good thing, and I predict that in time all of me will come to agree with that.
2. Man, there is so much to do.
1. I know all of my friends and loved ones mean well. You've stepped up to comfort and support me in what certainly counts as an hour of crisis and I appreciate that more than you know. But please, you know that I'm just not going to agree to become a male stripper. Yes, I know I got it, but flaunting it feels so...well, frankly it's a little breezy.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Top 10 Thoughts On Highlander
10. For the first time, I browsed the films available for streaming on Hulu. Somehow, I managed to resist the pull of classics like The Adventures of Galgameth and Bloodsport IV: The Dark Kumite to find Highlander, one of maybe 6 movies whose titles I goddamn recognized. My preliminary review is that it's possible Hulu Plus is not worth the extra money.9. Apparently, the screenwriter of the Twilight adaptations is working on the Highlander remake scheduled for 2014. I look forward to the "I'm On Team Connor!" and "I'm On Team Raped-By-The-Kurgan-In-The-Rubble-Of-A-Tower!" buttons.
8. Speaking of Connor's wife getting raped by The Kurgan, am I the only one who had the thought that - right before The Kurgan attacked - Sean Connery was trying to get it on with Highlander's wife? I'm pretty sure he was trying to get it on with Highlander's wife.
7. While it's customary to bitch about how "They just have to remake everything," I think Highlander is one of the few films that would be served well with a remake.
6. Once Connor kills The Kurgan, that's it. Highlander II, Highlander: Endgame, and every other movie or TV show bearing the name Highlander are considered rogue states in the Republic of Mick. My ambassadors will not acknowledge their legitimacy. Connor killed The Kurgan, Freddie Mercury sang some shit, and the world was a better place. Fade to black.
5. Is it me, or did Connor's first wife seem downright happy when he inexplicably came back to life and was accused of witchcraft? She didn't seem upset at all. She wasn't crying in anguish "NO! My poor husband is possessed by witchcraft! Woe is me!" She's all "Witchcraft! I knew it! I KNEW it! See! SEE?!?!" Don't ever use an ipad around that bitch, or she'll burn you alive.
4. When different Immortals first came in contact with one another, they experienced intense physical pain. Does this mean that me and most of Bravo's programming are Immortal warriors?
3. If I were one of these Immortals, I think I would have developed a much simpler and more effective plan. Part 1 of the plan would involve making money by selling antiques, like Connor. Part 2 of the plan would involve purchasing bazookas.
2. I knew a guy in college - a compulsive liar who often related the real-life kung fu epics that took place in his grade school playground - who watched Highlander every single day. While attending college he was paying alimony and child support to the Russian wife he had ordered through a catalog. I knew him through the campus radio station, and if memory serves he was kicked off the station staff after threatening another DJ with a samurai sword. You know, no matter how far you fall, there's always room for more.
1. If a vampire tried to turn Highlander into a vampire, would the world explode?
Monday, August 22, 2011
Top 10 Reasons Why List SMASH! is back.
10. Money, money, money.9. In terms of my blogging history, I feel like Superheroes, etc. is my Porno For Pyros, and List SMASH! is my Jane's Addiction. Sure, I might want to move on artistically and try new things, but in the end I always get pulled back to the well. When I write an insightful, but not overly verbose, review of Astro City or the latest Harry Potter movie on Superheroes, etc., the reaction of my readers is not unlike those now-middle-aged fans in Perry Farrell's crowd, yelling "Yeah, yeah, we'd make great pets, that's so clever SING 'JANE SAYS' YOU JUNKIE FUCK!"
8. Writing a top 10 list is remarkably easy. I don't need to worry about whether it's too short or too long. If I remember to count to 10, I win. I don't need to worry about transitions. It doesn't matter if #6 did not thematically link to #5. I am ruled by math.
7. My girlfriend has good memories of List SMASH! And if I'm going to keep stealing money from her purse for liquor I should do something to make it up to her.
6. Gotta do something while the handjob videos download. Some of those files are freaking BIG, man.
5. My deeply rooted insecurity leads me to subconsciously believe that the more people who respond to my writing online, the more people love me.
4. Next time I send a résumé to a potential employer and they don't respond, I won't have to wonder why they didn't respond. I'll assume they found this blog, and then I'll just know.
3. If Ozzy Osbourne can have a farewell tour every few years, I think I'm entitled to stage a return or two.
2. My obscenity-fueled wit offers relief to the pathetic masses yearning for any kind of fleeting distraction from the banal reality awaiting them.
1. If you can do something well, then you should just go ahead and do it. So for me it's either this, or punching monkeys. And punching monkeys is wrong.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Top 10 Things I'm Going To Do When I Lose My Weight
10. Beat up a guy. Not sure who.
9. I'm going to take a plane trip somewhere. I'm going to be comfortable. I'm not going to try to curl my body up into some tight, painful ball for the sake of some skinny bastard next to me.
But I'm going to buy an extra seat anyway. Just 'cause.
8. I'm still not going to dance at parties. Or sing at karaoke. But while I'm NOT doing it, I'll look good.
7. I'm going to be a Buffy the Vampire Slayer character for Halloween. I've always wanted to, but so far this guy has been my only option:
6. I will be more comfortable knowing that if I am ever put in a situation in which me and any companions are forced to cannibalize each other, I have at least as much chance as everyone else.
5. Go swimming.
4. Hang-gliding.
3. I'm going to call the Shogun's Tameshiyaku a fucking liar.
2. I'm going to buy a motorcycle and a muscle car and-NO! No, no, I'm just kidding. My penis is fine.
1. Shave off my beard. And maybe finally find that sandwich.
9. I'm going to take a plane trip somewhere. I'm going to be comfortable. I'm not going to try to curl my body up into some tight, painful ball for the sake of some skinny bastard next to me.
But I'm going to buy an extra seat anyway. Just 'cause.
8. I'm still not going to dance at parties. Or sing at karaoke. But while I'm NOT doing it, I'll look good.
7. I'm going to be a Buffy the Vampire Slayer character for Halloween. I've always wanted to, but so far this guy has been my only option:
6. I will be more comfortable knowing that if I am ever put in a situation in which me and any companions are forced to cannibalize each other, I have at least as much chance as everyone else.
5. Go swimming.
4. Hang-gliding.
3. I'm going to call the Shogun's Tameshiyaku a fucking liar.
2. I'm going to buy a motorcycle and a muscle car and-NO! No, no, I'm just kidding. My penis is fine.
1. Shave off my beard. And maybe finally find that sandwich.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Top 10 Thoughts Upon Finishing the Harry Potter series
SPOILERS!!!! THIS GODDAMN POST CONTAINS GODDAMN HARRY POTTER SPOILERS!!! BIG TIME!!! YOU'VE BEEN GODDAMNED WARNED!!!!!!
10. Luna Lovegood is a more poignant character than most people realize - perhaps even more than J.K. Rowling realized. She's depicted as crazy for believing in ridiculous things...by people who believe in ridiculous things. "That Luna, she's so nutty! She thinks gnome saliva is good for you! What a weirdo! I'll talk to you more about Luna after my trip. I'm going to fly through the sky on a stick made for sweeping up garbage." It's kind of like people who make fun of Tom Cruise and all those crazy scientologists, and then spend their Sundays praying that the invisible man in the sky will make all their problems go away.
Also, her name makes her sound like an illiterate, eccentric hooker.
9. I would hate to be one of J.K. Rowling's kids. They probably have good, expensive, private educations, but they're probably all named "Flappityblattle" and "Blortimer".
8. Rowling didn't kill even one. FUCKING!!!! MALFOY? Not even ONE?!?! Come on! Didn't she see Lucius Malfoy in The Patriot? Son of a bitch.
7. I would make a good half-a-detective. I kept getting a good chunk of the mystery solved, but never the whole thing. In Prisoner of Azkaban for example, I figured out Sirius was transforming into an animal but - either completely ignoring his name, thinking it was meant to distract, or just (let's be honest) not even knowing what the hell it meant until after the fact - I figured he was Hermione's new (at the time) cat Crookshanks. I figured the big dog was Lupin because Rowling basically put a big fucking billboard on the character that screamed HE'S A WEREWOLF from the get-go, and I wasn't figuring there were two separate characters transforming into canine type deals. Likewise, I was pretty much 99% sure that Snape killed Dumbledore on Dumbledore's orders (Dumbledore's pleading of "Severus...please" wouldn't make sense otherwise because he was supposed to have thought Snape was coming to help him), and I was also fairly sure that Dumbledore was already dying from something else. However, I completely forgot about his fucked up hand and thought he was dying from the potion he drank to get the fake horcrux out of the sea cave.
So I wouldn't necessarily hire me as a private detective. But as a stripper? Hell, YES.
6. Speaking of the Snape-kills-Dumbledore ruse, that brings up something else. Harry reveals that Snape was one of the good guys - something he only believes because Snape granted him his memories as he died. If, on the other hand, Snape had survived the whole mess and been granted the Elder Wand as Dumbledore supposedly planned, how the hell would he have convinced anyone that he wasn't really one of Voldemort's guys? How the hell would anyone even let him survive long enough to prove it (provided there even was a way for him to prove it)? My guess is, super-wand or no super-wand, he would be hunted for the rest of his days and there wouldn't be very many of them.
Conclusion? Dumbledore was kind of an asshole.
5. Snape's story was the reveal I was looking forward to the most, and it didn't disappoint. I find him more interesting than just about any other character in the series.
4. The final battle is really, really wonderful. But you know, I know what I'm about to say is easy, predictable, and completely beside the point. But I don't care.
With all the talk of Mudbloods and Muggle-this and Muggle-that and how silly and helpless the Muggles are, did anyone else think if just one of those little Weasley brats had an uzi, that battle would've been about 50 pages shorter?
3. Neville vs. Nagini = Total F#@$% YEAH moment.
2. Poor Hedwig.
1. I enjoyed the Harry Potter series a lot and am glad my lovely girlfriend finally convinced me to check it out. I can't say that, for my tastes, it surpasses Lord of the Rings, but I do have to say there's one place where Rowling got it right and Tolkien got it wrong.
Elves as ugly little Gollum-esque slaves? I can live with that.
I've always been a dwarf man myself. IRONFORGE RULES! SANTA'S HELPERS GO GET STUFFED!
10. Luna Lovegood is a more poignant character than most people realize - perhaps even more than J.K. Rowling realized. She's depicted as crazy for believing in ridiculous things...by people who believe in ridiculous things. "That Luna, she's so nutty! She thinks gnome saliva is good for you! What a weirdo! I'll talk to you more about Luna after my trip. I'm going to fly through the sky on a stick made for sweeping up garbage." It's kind of like people who make fun of Tom Cruise and all those crazy scientologists, and then spend their Sundays praying that the invisible man in the sky will make all their problems go away.
Also, her name makes her sound like an illiterate, eccentric hooker.
9. I would hate to be one of J.K. Rowling's kids. They probably have good, expensive, private educations, but they're probably all named "Flappityblattle" and "Blortimer".
8. Rowling didn't kill even one. FUCKING!!!! MALFOY? Not even ONE?!?! Come on! Didn't she see Lucius Malfoy in The Patriot? Son of a bitch.
7. I would make a good half-a-detective. I kept getting a good chunk of the mystery solved, but never the whole thing. In Prisoner of Azkaban for example, I figured out Sirius was transforming into an animal but - either completely ignoring his name, thinking it was meant to distract, or just (let's be honest) not even knowing what the hell it meant until after the fact - I figured he was Hermione's new (at the time) cat Crookshanks. I figured the big dog was Lupin because Rowling basically put a big fucking billboard on the character that screamed HE'S A WEREWOLF from the get-go, and I wasn't figuring there were two separate characters transforming into canine type deals. Likewise, I was pretty much 99% sure that Snape killed Dumbledore on Dumbledore's orders (Dumbledore's pleading of "Severus...please" wouldn't make sense otherwise because he was supposed to have thought Snape was coming to help him), and I was also fairly sure that Dumbledore was already dying from something else. However, I completely forgot about his fucked up hand and thought he was dying from the potion he drank to get the fake horcrux out of the sea cave.
So I wouldn't necessarily hire me as a private detective. But as a stripper? Hell, YES.
6. Speaking of the Snape-kills-Dumbledore ruse, that brings up something else. Harry reveals that Snape was one of the good guys - something he only believes because Snape granted him his memories as he died. If, on the other hand, Snape had survived the whole mess and been granted the Elder Wand as Dumbledore supposedly planned, how the hell would he have convinced anyone that he wasn't really one of Voldemort's guys? How the hell would anyone even let him survive long enough to prove it (provided there even was a way for him to prove it)? My guess is, super-wand or no super-wand, he would be hunted for the rest of his days and there wouldn't be very many of them.
Conclusion? Dumbledore was kind of an asshole.
5. Snape's story was the reveal I was looking forward to the most, and it didn't disappoint. I find him more interesting than just about any other character in the series.
4. The final battle is really, really wonderful. But you know, I know what I'm about to say is easy, predictable, and completely beside the point. But I don't care.
With all the talk of Mudbloods and Muggle-this and Muggle-that and how silly and helpless the Muggles are, did anyone else think if just one of those little Weasley brats had an uzi, that battle would've been about 50 pages shorter?
3. Neville vs. Nagini = Total F#@$% YEAH moment.
2. Poor Hedwig.
1. I enjoyed the Harry Potter series a lot and am glad my lovely girlfriend finally convinced me to check it out. I can't say that, for my tastes, it surpasses Lord of the Rings, but I do have to say there's one place where Rowling got it right and Tolkien got it wrong.
Elves as ugly little Gollum-esque slaves? I can live with that.
I've always been a dwarf man myself. IRONFORGE RULES! SANTA'S HELPERS GO GET STUFFED!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Top 10 Stupid Things I Should Buy
I lost a lot of weight recently. As of last night's weigh-in, 57.4 pounds. A couple of weeks ago, I decided to introduce some material incentive - every 25 pounds I would give myself a Stupid Reward. Stupid Reward = something that has no practical value, outside its value as weight loss incentive, and something that probably costs more than I would normally spend for something impractical. While I hit the 50 pound mark a few weeks ago, today's paycheck marks the first day I can actually afford to reward myself for it. So...
10. Final Fantasy XIII
This was originally my top choice, but now I'm not so sure. I spent far too many hours on two of its predecessors - Final Fantasy VII and Final Fantasy X. Since foolishly selling off my Playstation 2, I have suffered a painful lack of Final Fantasy (a lack which would probably be best dramatized with lots of clenched faces, wild emotions, and annoying Japanese music), but I hear a lot of the things I loved about those previous games - an open, free-roaming world and lots of little towns with interactive non-player characters - have been stripped from this latest game.
9. Whores
8. Star Trek DVDs - They would be VERY impractical. I wouldn't even watch them.
7. Bookends - While talking to my lovely girlfriend this morning about my disappointment in what I've heard about #10, she suggested I spend the money on bookshelves, which I've been complaining about wanting for a while. I explained to her that the whole point of this reward was that it had NO practical value, whereas bookshelves would clearly be useful. It had to be something stupid that wouldn't improve my life in any real, lasting way. Like beer. Or religion.
If, on the other hand, I bought bookends while having no bookshelves on which to place them, that would be pretty cool. Then I could just sit and look at my expensive, shiny new bookends sitting on my desk and keeping nothing from falling down. Maybe they could even cause things to fall down. You know. If I threw them at someone dizzy or something.
6. Incredible Hulk Omnibus Vol. 1
This collects a whole heaping buttload of early Hulk appearances. But. Well. Don't tell him I told you or anything but, uh. Yeah. A lot of the writing in these early comics? Pretty dumb.
5. Playstation 2 - Then I could play Final Fantasy VII and Final Fantasy X all over again! Of course, I'd have to buy THEM too. Plus, I think there's some kind of law about how many video game consoles you're allowed to own before the state removes your testicles.
4. $75.00 worth of Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi - It might last me 4 whole days! No. More like 3. Yeah. 3.
Well, 2.
3. BioShock 2
You're a dude in a deep sea diving suit with chemically induced super-powers guiding mutated little girls through a city at the bottom of the ocean. This is so fucking ridiculous, I might have to buy two copies.
2. A whole shitload of albums by The Killers
The band I've recently decided to listen to over and over again until I'm sick of them. I love the lead singer's voice. I may have kind of a man-crush. Well, no. Not really. He just has a beautiful voice and face, but it's not a man-crush. Well, okay, I notice his lithe, sensual form but that's it. Okay. Maybe I'd kiss him a little.
1. Burger Phone
10. Final Fantasy XIII
This was originally my top choice, but now I'm not so sure. I spent far too many hours on two of its predecessors - Final Fantasy VII and Final Fantasy X. Since foolishly selling off my Playstation 2, I have suffered a painful lack of Final Fantasy (a lack which would probably be best dramatized with lots of clenched faces, wild emotions, and annoying Japanese music), but I hear a lot of the things I loved about those previous games - an open, free-roaming world and lots of little towns with interactive non-player characters - have been stripped from this latest game.
9. Whores
8. Star Trek DVDs - They would be VERY impractical. I wouldn't even watch them.
7. Bookends - While talking to my lovely girlfriend this morning about my disappointment in what I've heard about #10, she suggested I spend the money on bookshelves, which I've been complaining about wanting for a while. I explained to her that the whole point of this reward was that it had NO practical value, whereas bookshelves would clearly be useful. It had to be something stupid that wouldn't improve my life in any real, lasting way. Like beer. Or religion.
If, on the other hand, I bought bookends while having no bookshelves on which to place them, that would be pretty cool. Then I could just sit and look at my expensive, shiny new bookends sitting on my desk and keeping nothing from falling down. Maybe they could even cause things to fall down. You know. If I threw them at someone dizzy or something.
6. Incredible Hulk Omnibus Vol. 1
This collects a whole heaping buttload of early Hulk appearances. But. Well. Don't tell him I told you or anything but, uh. Yeah. A lot of the writing in these early comics? Pretty dumb.
5. Playstation 2 - Then I could play Final Fantasy VII and Final Fantasy X all over again! Of course, I'd have to buy THEM too. Plus, I think there's some kind of law about how many video game consoles you're allowed to own before the state removes your testicles.
4. $75.00 worth of Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi - It might last me 4 whole days! No. More like 3. Yeah. 3.
Well, 2.
3. BioShock 2
You're a dude in a deep sea diving suit with chemically induced super-powers guiding mutated little girls through a city at the bottom of the ocean. This is so fucking ridiculous, I might have to buy two copies.
2. A whole shitload of albums by The Killers
The band I've recently decided to listen to over and over again until I'm sick of them. I love the lead singer's voice. I may have kind of a man-crush. Well, no. Not really. He just has a beautiful voice and face, but it's not a man-crush. Well, okay, I notice his lithe, sensual form but that's it. Okay. Maybe I'd kiss him a little.
1. Burger Phone
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Top 10 Best Ways To End The Office
10. The final episode begins with everyone in great spirits. Dunder Mifflin is in the black and giving competitors like Staples and Office Max a run for their money. Michael is back with Holly. Pam and Jim are still together. Ryan and Kelly are still a couple, but, luckily for Ryan, Ryan is cheating on Kelly and she has no idea. Dwight and Angela are reunited. Even Stanley is in a good mood. The episode ends with Michael Scott walking out of the office building and getting shot in the head by the guy he fired after trying and failing to fire Creed early in Season 2 (Devin or Devlin, I'm not sure which and I couldn't find him on imdb - it was a Halloween episode and he was dressed as a hobo).
9. Michael thinks it would be hilarious to fake his own death. He manages to succeed so thoroughly that Dunder Mifflin hires a new regional manager and his condo is sold to someone else.
8. Michael does one of his infamous fake-firings, but on a grand scale. He fake-fires the entire office. Everyone believes him. The final episode deals with how all of the office's former employees have moved on. Everyone agrees on one thing - their lives are better now. The final scene opens with Michael giggling to himself and bragging about how surprised everyone is going to be and how he "got everyone GOOD." The episode ends with the film crew playing a tape of Michael's now former employees talking about how much happier they are now. Michael stands and watches it soberly, well into the night.
7. Dwight is finally irrevocably fired. The final scene ends with Dwight pulling into the office parking lot and entering the building carrying an arsenal of guns and homemade explosives.
6. Dunder Mifflin goes out of business, but Michael refuses to accept it. Fueled by Dwight's mad ravings, Michael encourages all of his employees to stay and uses the metaphor of a band of survivors in a post-apocalyptic film. And, as they usually do, Michael, Dwight, and Andy take the metaphor way too seriously - they board up the office, arm themselves with shotguns and golf clubs, talk like they're in a Mad Max film, swearing to keep on selling paper until the zombies come and eat all their brains.
5. One of Michael's comedic idols - preferably Steve Martin or Robin Williams - comes to Scranton. Michael stumbles upon them in a bar or restaurant. The celebrity tries and fails to get Michael to stop bothering them. Eventually, Michael follows them to a hotel where he manages to catch them doing something unsavory with someone like a teenage girl, a hooker, etc. Michael blackmails them to help him get his comedy career moving. He quits Dunder Mifflin and goes on a stand-up tour which enjoys a degree of unexpected success - largely out of an ironic appreciation for how horrible Michael is. He basically becomes the stand-up comedy version of William Hung and Snakes on a Plane.
4. Dunder Mifflin is bought out by a UK office supply company. Michael Scott meets his new boss in the final scene - David Brent, played by Ricky Gervais.
3. Michael wins the lottery and uses the proceeds to fund his film opus Threat Level: Midnight. He invites his employees to star in the film, and the final episode is littered with scenes from the finished product. It's possible Michael Skarn's love interest will be played by BJ Novak.
2. The final episode opens with Michael Scott found dead in his office. Dwight conducts a characteristically stupid investigation. We never learn who did it because everyone had equal motive and desire. However, the general feeling is that everyone is better off for it. Including Michael.
1. The film crew either decides they're finally done filming, or they run out of funding. Michael tries everything he can to keep them at the office. He tries to complain to the producer of whatever documentary they've been making all this time. He even tries calling corporate to fund a new film crew. The series ends with Michael running after the crew, simultaneously begging them to come back and singing "Don't Stop Believing". It goes to black on the word "stop."
Friday, October 16, 2009
Top 10 Thoughts Upon Finishing Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
(It should go without saying, but this contains SPOILERS)
10. I was disappointed there were no new racial slurs like "muggle," "mudblood," or "parselmouth."
9. I wasn't happy to see time travel rear its ugly head in the series (though I guess, in a sense, the argument could be made a form of time travel was used in Chamber of Secrets). I guess I should have expected it. I just get tired of it being used in stories of the more fantastic variety. It's just an easy way to solve so many plot problems. And it's been so over-used at this point that, unless the entire story is about time travel, it always feels like a cop-out.
8. Don't get me wrong. Overall I liked the story and this was probably my favorite of the series so far. But there are certain repetitive aspects of the series I'm getting tired of. I'm getting tired of the introductory chapters with the Dursleys. I always just drag my way through those chapters, breathing a sigh of relief when they finally get Harry to Hogwarts. It isn't that I'm anticipating the hero freeing himself from his mundane guardians, it's that the plot itself doesn't really begin until Harry gets away from the Dursleys. I'm also getting tired of the whole Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher thing. You'd think if they were willing to give Snape a full-time job, they could find a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher who wasn't evil, a fraud, or a fucking werewolf.
7. Speaking of Snape, so far I find him the most intriguing character in the series. I'm very curious to see, when push comes to shove, who he'll be standing with.
(And that is NOT an invitation for spoilers. Seriously, if anyone spoils the rest of the series for me, I will hunt you down and burn your comic books.)
6. I think I commented in my first top ten list about Harry Potter that I had difficulty taking characters seriously with names like "Dumbledore" and "Voldemort." I think Rowling crossed the line with this book. I mean, I can eventually forget that the two most powerful wizards in her fictional world have names that make them sound like lawn gnomes, but naming the head of the Ministry of Magic Cornelius Fudge is beyond the pale. I mean come the fuck on. Dude. I mean. DUDE.
5. It's really tough trying to NOT be spoiled. I managed for years to keep myself far away from any mention of the last episode of The Sopranos until I finally managed to see it for myself on DVD. Unfortunately, I ended up figuring out quite a bit of Prisoner of Azkaban's plot by doing nothing more than stopping by IMDB because I was curious about who played who in the film. This revealed that Gary Oldman played the "villain" Sirius Black and that the character appears in at least two other Harry Potter films. And in spite of the fact that you're lead to believe he's a bad guy, the IMDB photos show Potter and Black looking like they're buddies. That revelation lead to me figuring out most of big reveals, though I was wrong in some small parts (e.g., I figured out that Black was hiding as an animal but I was wrong about which one - I thought Black was Hermione's new cat, not the dog, because I assumed the dog was actually Lupin because I'd already figured out he was a werewolf).
And as an example of what I assume is another fairly big spoiler, I also find it curious that, according to IMDB, Black doesn't appear in Half-Blood Prince or either of the last two films currently in production.
(Again, keep your mouths SHUT please.)
4. My opinion of the Hogwarts faculty is not dissimilar from my opinion of the Jedi council. They're supposed to be incredibly powerful, incredibly smart, and to be able to see what the rest of us can't, but time and again they prove themselves unable to find their own assholes unless they have a thirteen year old boy around to poke it for them.
3. With each book, it's becoming more and more clear that in the world of Harry Potter, the most powerful threat to the world may very well be the result of a bunch of guys at a high school not liking each other very much. I think Rowling may have a few issues concerning her teenage years.
2. In all seriousness, while I liked the first two books, I think this is the one that officially hooked me. It's the first one that shows some real growth in the main characters and the first one to more blatantly lay groundwork for the following books.
1. I see the series getting a little bit darker, a little bit more "grown-up" but I feel like the transition is awkward. One minute Harry is filled with a red-hot, vengeful rage, swearing silent oaths to cut through the ranks of his parents' old enemies like a wild samurai, and the next he's a whiny little shithead about not being able to go to the sweets shop with his friends. Priorities, dude.
10. I was disappointed there were no new racial slurs like "muggle," "mudblood," or "parselmouth."
9. I wasn't happy to see time travel rear its ugly head in the series (though I guess, in a sense, the argument could be made a form of time travel was used in Chamber of Secrets). I guess I should have expected it. I just get tired of it being used in stories of the more fantastic variety. It's just an easy way to solve so many plot problems. And it's been so over-used at this point that, unless the entire story is about time travel, it always feels like a cop-out.
8. Don't get me wrong. Overall I liked the story and this was probably my favorite of the series so far. But there are certain repetitive aspects of the series I'm getting tired of. I'm getting tired of the introductory chapters with the Dursleys. I always just drag my way through those chapters, breathing a sigh of relief when they finally get Harry to Hogwarts. It isn't that I'm anticipating the hero freeing himself from his mundane guardians, it's that the plot itself doesn't really begin until Harry gets away from the Dursleys. I'm also getting tired of the whole Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher thing. You'd think if they were willing to give Snape a full-time job, they could find a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher who wasn't evil, a fraud, or a fucking werewolf.
7. Speaking of Snape, so far I find him the most intriguing character in the series. I'm very curious to see, when push comes to shove, who he'll be standing with.
(And that is NOT an invitation for spoilers. Seriously, if anyone spoils the rest of the series for me, I will hunt you down and burn your comic books.)
6. I think I commented in my first top ten list about Harry Potter that I had difficulty taking characters seriously with names like "Dumbledore" and "Voldemort." I think Rowling crossed the line with this book. I mean, I can eventually forget that the two most powerful wizards in her fictional world have names that make them sound like lawn gnomes, but naming the head of the Ministry of Magic Cornelius Fudge is beyond the pale. I mean come the fuck on. Dude. I mean. DUDE.
5. It's really tough trying to NOT be spoiled. I managed for years to keep myself far away from any mention of the last episode of The Sopranos until I finally managed to see it for myself on DVD. Unfortunately, I ended up figuring out quite a bit of Prisoner of Azkaban's plot by doing nothing more than stopping by IMDB because I was curious about who played who in the film. This revealed that Gary Oldman played the "villain" Sirius Black and that the character appears in at least two other Harry Potter films. And in spite of the fact that you're lead to believe he's a bad guy, the IMDB photos show Potter and Black looking like they're buddies. That revelation lead to me figuring out most of big reveals, though I was wrong in some small parts (e.g., I figured out that Black was hiding as an animal but I was wrong about which one - I thought Black was Hermione's new cat, not the dog, because I assumed the dog was actually Lupin because I'd already figured out he was a werewolf).And as an example of what I assume is another fairly big spoiler, I also find it curious that, according to IMDB, Black doesn't appear in Half-Blood Prince or either of the last two films currently in production.
(Again, keep your mouths SHUT please.)
4. My opinion of the Hogwarts faculty is not dissimilar from my opinion of the Jedi council. They're supposed to be incredibly powerful, incredibly smart, and to be able to see what the rest of us can't, but time and again they prove themselves unable to find their own assholes unless they have a thirteen year old boy around to poke it for them.
3. With each book, it's becoming more and more clear that in the world of Harry Potter, the most powerful threat to the world may very well be the result of a bunch of guys at a high school not liking each other very much. I think Rowling may have a few issues concerning her teenage years.
2. In all seriousness, while I liked the first two books, I think this is the one that officially hooked me. It's the first one that shows some real growth in the main characters and the first one to more blatantly lay groundwork for the following books.
1. I see the series getting a little bit darker, a little bit more "grown-up" but I feel like the transition is awkward. One minute Harry is filled with a red-hot, vengeful rage, swearing silent oaths to cut through the ranks of his parents' old enemies like a wild samurai, and the next he's a whiny little shithead about not being able to go to the sweets shop with his friends. Priorities, dude.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Top 10 Things That Are Just F#$%ing TRUE - They Transcend Opinion And Are Just Plain F&@$ing Correct!
10. If they weren't insanely popular, the same whiny critics who talk about Coldplay like they're the worst band in the world would be complaining about the "sheep" and "lemmings" who refused to notice this brilliant little English band.
9. If in the face of the hunger, murder, rape, disease, and abuse standing against the world, your major complaint is "I WANNA BE ABLE TO KEEP THE GUNS I HAVE AND GET MORE KINDS OF GUNS," you're an asshole. You should shoot yourself in the head. It isn't even a question of whether or not gun control is good or bad. If THAT is what is important to you, you suck. You are stupid. You should die.
8. If you do not believe in Universal health care, you are inhuman. You are not conservative or liberal, you have rejected your humanity. You are inhuman. And not in the cool way where you get to live on the moon and hang out with giant dogs.
7. If you are against gay rights, then you are either afraid of sex in general, you are concerned about the size of your penis, or you are afraid of something about yourself which you stupidly think you can subdue if you work to squash it out of everyone else. Or all of the above. Time has proven me right about this, and will continue to do so.
6. If you own a Hummer, you're an asshole. There really aren't many ways around this. There's no reason, NONE, to own a hummer other than reasons that make you an asshole.
5. Kevin Smith is a hack.
4. All this zombie bullshit is getting to be very fucking boring.
3. Yea, I was looking at them. And will continue to do so.
2. I'm not an atheist, but I'm working towards it.
1.
9. If in the face of the hunger, murder, rape, disease, and abuse standing against the world, your major complaint is "I WANNA BE ABLE TO KEEP THE GUNS I HAVE AND GET MORE KINDS OF GUNS," you're an asshole. You should shoot yourself in the head. It isn't even a question of whether or not gun control is good or bad. If THAT is what is important to you, you suck. You are stupid. You should die.
8. If you do not believe in Universal health care, you are inhuman. You are not conservative or liberal, you have rejected your humanity. You are inhuman. And not in the cool way where you get to live on the moon and hang out with giant dogs.
7. If you are against gay rights, then you are either afraid of sex in general, you are concerned about the size of your penis, or you are afraid of something about yourself which you stupidly think you can subdue if you work to squash it out of everyone else. Or all of the above. Time has proven me right about this, and will continue to do so.
6. If you own a Hummer, you're an asshole. There really aren't many ways around this. There's no reason, NONE, to own a hummer other than reasons that make you an asshole.
5. Kevin Smith is a hack.
4. All this zombie bullshit is getting to be very fucking boring.
3. Yea, I was looking at them. And will continue to do so.
2. I'm not an atheist, but I'm working towards it.
1.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Top 10 Best Things About Almost A Whole Week of Getting to Work Before 6 AM
10. I get to leave at 2 pm.
9. Going to work early and leaving work early means I miss both of the day's traffic headaches.
8. My lovely girlfriend is letting me use the car.
7. Most days, I will have two-and-a-half hours between when I leave work and when I need to pick up Maryann. As long as I'm smart about it, I can gather a LOT of whores and heroin in two-and-a-half hours.
6. There's really no way to notice or care about any particular person at work being a jerk. At 6 am, everyone's an asshole and everyone hates you.
5. Free breakfast crap at work.
4. I can get the drop on Iron Man.
Drunk fuck.
3. The attempt to actually come up with 10 things that are good about being at work by 6 am may be futile, but it's certainly a great way to exercise the part of my brain that thinks the glass is half full.
2. The more I practice getting up early, the better chance I have this December of catching that fat fuck on the roof and making him cough up that Castle Greyskull.
1. "It's better to have to be at work at 6 am than to not have a job to go to at any time, regardless of convenience." -Confucius
P.S. The Albany cityscape looks pretty in the dark.
9. Going to work early and leaving work early means I miss both of the day's traffic headaches.
8. My lovely girlfriend is letting me use the car.
7. Most days, I will have two-and-a-half hours between when I leave work and when I need to pick up Maryann. As long as I'm smart about it, I can gather a LOT of whores and heroin in two-and-a-half hours.
6. There's really no way to notice or care about any particular person at work being a jerk. At 6 am, everyone's an asshole and everyone hates you.
5. Free breakfast crap at work.
4. I can get the drop on Iron Man.
Drunk fuck.
3. The attempt to actually come up with 10 things that are good about being at work by 6 am may be futile, but it's certainly a great way to exercise the part of my brain that thinks the glass is half full.
2. The more I practice getting up early, the better chance I have this December of catching that fat fuck on the roof and making him cough up that Castle Greyskull.
1. "It's better to have to be at work at 6 am than to not have a job to go to at any time, regardless of convenience." -Confucius
P.S. The Albany cityscape looks pretty in the dark.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Top 10 Opportunities to Work "I AM THE NIGHT" Into Everyday Conversation
10. "Dude, why are you kicking me in that particular area of my leg?"
9. "If you had the choice of being either a daffodil, a daisy, a kitten, a puppy, peanut butter, jelly, a piece of cake, a piece of pie, a cold glass of lemonade, a warm glass of milk, or THE NIGHT, which would you choose?"
8. "Why do you fight evil with such passion and success?"
7. "What's your favorite brand of body wash?"
6. "Why is it whenever the Sun goes down, you Moon me?"
5. "What's that smell?"
4. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
3. "Why did you cum on my foot?"
2. "Why don't you ever do the dishes?"
1. "If you were a chess piece, which chess piece would you be?"
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Top 10 Things I Love About My New XBox 360
10. Too many games. When she bought me the XBox, Maryann also bought me The Incredible Hulk, Dark Sector, and Marvel: Ultimate Alliance. We went to GameStop soon after. I bought used copies of BioShock and Assassin's Creed, along with a new copy of Batman: Arkham Asylum. Maryann bought used copies of The Simpsons Game and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. The result was that, for a few days, I didn't go near the XBox. I just had too many goddamn games to beat. I didn't know which one to do first. Eventually, I decided I would have to play them one at a time and wait until I beat one before I moved on to another. It's nice to have too many options.
9. BioShock. This was the first game I conquered. BioShock is a first person shooter. With one hand, you use weapons like pipes, guns, and grenade launchers. With the other, you use drug-induced super-powers to blast things like electric bolts, balls of fire, and flesh-eating insects. You have to admit, that's pretty frickin' cool. I mean, I would've settled for shooting people with guns, but lightning bolts and Tommy Guns? That's like getting the best BJ of your life, and then she decides not to charge. Pretty sweet.
8. So far, it just doesn't have the addictive qualities of World of Warcraft. I mean, I love the thing. And some games are more addictive than others. But it doesn't have the heroin-like I'm-awake-I'm-home-why-am-I-not-on-WoW? pull that World of Warcraft does. It has online capabilities, but so far - beyond downloading add-ons to games - I'm not interested.
7. Besides lifting heavy things and peeing while standing, it is the only thing at which I am clearly better than my girlfriend. Actually, okay, besides peeing while standing, it is the only thing at which I am clearly better than my girlfriend. After watching her stumble through the tutorial level of The Simpsons Game for what felt like 40 minutes, I was ready to rip the damn controller out of her hands.
6. When I first thought about getting the XBox 360, I was curious about any superhero games available. Of course, I found mention of The Incredible Hulk online, and unfortunately most reviews of the game slammed it pretty hard.
After playing it, I SO don't care what anyone else has to say about it. I love it. Not only can you break and smash just about ANYTHING in the game (cars, street lights, park benches, trees, innocent bystanders), but there's a wonderful freedom-of-movement aspect of the game with which you can maximize destruction. The game takes place in New York City and you can wander around the city as much as you want without taking part in the actual story of the game (though eventually the game spawns a constant stream of military units who will follow you). You can, after causing enough damage, knock down any building in New York City, including numerous Marvel Comics landmarks. As the Hulk, I've destroyed the Daily Bugle building, the Baxter Building (HQ of the Fantastic Four), Doctor Strange's Sanctum Sanctorum, the Law Offices of Murdock & Nelson (Daredevil's day job), the Latverian Embassy (the country Dr. Doom rules), and Iron Man's Stark Tower. You can even destroy the Marvel Comics office, though it would've been more fitting to destroy the DC Comics office I guess. I did feel a little guilty knocking down the Apollo Theatre, but otherwise destroying buildings as the Hulk is a great stress reliever.
5. Three words - Chicks, chicks, chicks.
4. Sequels. I had no idea when I bought BioShock and Assassin's Creed that they both had upcoming sequels. Assassin's Creed II in November, BioShock 2 in February.
3. Batman: Arkham Asylum. I don't want to say too much because I plan to write a review about it soon for Trouble with Comics, plus I haven't actually finished the game yet, but aesthetically it does for superhero video games what The Dark Knight did for superhero movies. Just a wonderful game with some absolutely stunning sequences, particularly when you come across Scarecrow.
2. The new video game technology makes it possible for video games to be something much more than what they were. The work and artistry put into a lot of these games is amazing, and it makes me wonder whether or not some of them could - if not now, then somewhere down the road - be considered more than games. Art? Maybe. Some, particularly the RPGs, are closer to being interactive movies than actual games anyway.
1. Easy Mode. I wish everything had an Easy Mode. Why the hell would I play any other way? Because it's more "challenging?" Pfft. Kiss my ass, cyborgs. I got shit to do.
9. BioShock. This was the first game I conquered. BioShock is a first person shooter. With one hand, you use weapons like pipes, guns, and grenade launchers. With the other, you use drug-induced super-powers to blast things like electric bolts, balls of fire, and flesh-eating insects. You have to admit, that's pretty frickin' cool. I mean, I would've settled for shooting people with guns, but lightning bolts and Tommy Guns? That's like getting the best BJ of your life, and then she decides not to charge. Pretty sweet.
8. So far, it just doesn't have the addictive qualities of World of Warcraft. I mean, I love the thing. And some games are more addictive than others. But it doesn't have the heroin-like I'm-awake-I'm-home-why-am-I-not-on-WoW? pull that World of Warcraft does. It has online capabilities, but so far - beyond downloading add-ons to games - I'm not interested.
7. Besides lifting heavy things and peeing while standing, it is the only thing at which I am clearly better than my girlfriend. Actually, okay, besides peeing while standing, it is the only thing at which I am clearly better than my girlfriend. After watching her stumble through the tutorial level of The Simpsons Game for what felt like 40 minutes, I was ready to rip the damn controller out of her hands.
6. When I first thought about getting the XBox 360, I was curious about any superhero games available. Of course, I found mention of The Incredible Hulk online, and unfortunately most reviews of the game slammed it pretty hard. After playing it, I SO don't care what anyone else has to say about it. I love it. Not only can you break and smash just about ANYTHING in the game (cars, street lights, park benches, trees, innocent bystanders), but there's a wonderful freedom-of-movement aspect of the game with which you can maximize destruction. The game takes place in New York City and you can wander around the city as much as you want without taking part in the actual story of the game (though eventually the game spawns a constant stream of military units who will follow you). You can, after causing enough damage, knock down any building in New York City, including numerous Marvel Comics landmarks. As the Hulk, I've destroyed the Daily Bugle building, the Baxter Building (HQ of the Fantastic Four), Doctor Strange's Sanctum Sanctorum, the Law Offices of Murdock & Nelson (Daredevil's day job), the Latverian Embassy (the country Dr. Doom rules), and Iron Man's Stark Tower. You can even destroy the Marvel Comics office, though it would've been more fitting to destroy the DC Comics office I guess. I did feel a little guilty knocking down the Apollo Theatre, but otherwise destroying buildings as the Hulk is a great stress reliever.
5. Three words - Chicks, chicks, chicks.
4. Sequels. I had no idea when I bought BioShock and Assassin's Creed that they both had upcoming sequels. Assassin's Creed II in November, BioShock 2 in February.
3. Batman: Arkham Asylum. I don't want to say too much because I plan to write a review about it soon for Trouble with Comics, plus I haven't actually finished the game yet, but aesthetically it does for superhero video games what The Dark Knight did for superhero movies. Just a wonderful game with some absolutely stunning sequences, particularly when you come across Scarecrow.
2. The new video game technology makes it possible for video games to be something much more than what they were. The work and artistry put into a lot of these games is amazing, and it makes me wonder whether or not some of them could - if not now, then somewhere down the road - be considered more than games. Art? Maybe. Some, particularly the RPGs, are closer to being interactive movies than actual games anyway.
1. Easy Mode. I wish everything had an Easy Mode. Why the hell would I play any other way? Because it's more "challenging?" Pfft. Kiss my ass, cyborgs. I got shit to do.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Top 10 Reactions upon finishing Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
10. Every time I see Ron Weasley's scared/surprised face, which seems to be pretty much the only face he makes, it makes me want to punch a baby.
9. I'm happy to see Gollum was able to get work after melting in Mt. Doom.
8. I don't care if I were a wizard or a witch or a house elf or what. If I had to actually tell people. "Yeah, I'm a Hufflepuff," I'd shoot myself in the fuckin' head.
7. Well in the first book there was just "muggles." Now there's mudbloods, squibs, and parselmouths. Rowling is better with racial slurs than Archie Bunker.
6. Anyone else think these wealthy, intelligent, super-powerful wizards could do with installing a video camera? A couple of motion sensors?
5. Why isn't Hermione the main character? I realize magic is handled differently in different fantasy series, but I'm pretty sure one of the universal factors is that wizards can generally cast spells. Harry doesn't seem to, like, use...magic. He mainly just gets attacked by monsters, and then Dumbledore's stuff flies to him at just the right moment so he doesn't die. Hermione, on the other hand, actually casts spells. In a fight, I'm betting on her.
4. Why does all the bad stuff lead back to Voldemort? Harry Potter's world needs a more diverse Rogue's Gallery. Some dude with an island. Moon rockets. Some robots and shit.
3. In the film, Branagh is frikkin' hilarious. I guess everyone's good for something.
2. Are there only English wizards? Is there an American magic school where they do special cowboy magic or something?
1. I read "Chamber of Secrets" and I think "Vagina."
9. I'm happy to see Gollum was able to get work after melting in Mt. Doom.
8. I don't care if I were a wizard or a witch or a house elf or what. If I had to actually tell people. "Yeah, I'm a Hufflepuff," I'd shoot myself in the fuckin' head.
7. Well in the first book there was just "muggles." Now there's mudbloods, squibs, and parselmouths. Rowling is better with racial slurs than Archie Bunker.
6. Anyone else think these wealthy, intelligent, super-powerful wizards could do with installing a video camera? A couple of motion sensors?
5. Why isn't Hermione the main character? I realize magic is handled differently in different fantasy series, but I'm pretty sure one of the universal factors is that wizards can generally cast spells. Harry doesn't seem to, like, use...magic. He mainly just gets attacked by monsters, and then Dumbledore's stuff flies to him at just the right moment so he doesn't die. Hermione, on the other hand, actually casts spells. In a fight, I'm betting on her.
4. Why does all the bad stuff lead back to Voldemort? Harry Potter's world needs a more diverse Rogue's Gallery. Some dude with an island. Moon rockets. Some robots and shit.
3. In the film, Branagh is frikkin' hilarious. I guess everyone's good for something.
2. Are there only English wizards? Is there an American magic school where they do special cowboy magic or something?
1. I read "Chamber of Secrets" and I think "Vagina."
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The End of List SMASH!
Some things are too good to last.
And then there's List SMASH!
List SMASH! was conceived in the wake of the break-up of a 5-year long relationship, and it had more than one purpose. It was a crawl-before-you-walk tactic to unblock my creative juices. I figured if I was writing a list per day, at least I was writing something. It was a way to vent, no matter how indirectly. But most importantly, it was a way to reconnect. Years of working the same hours as Batman took its toll on my social life, and after my relationship ended with the 5-year-Bitch, I needed friends more than ever.
Since then, I've wandered. Not all who wander are lost, but you know what Tolky buddy? Some fucking are.
I won't bore you with specifics. There are things I should've done more. There are things I should've done less. I have all but discarded the latter, and I'm embracing the former.
Of the parts of my life I have neglected, blogging about comics is something I've missed dearly. It was one of the more rewarding experiences of my life. It put me in touch with comic book professionals. It broadened my palette for an amazing art form that a lot of people still don't recognize. Most importantly, I thought I knew comics, and it taught me I didn't know shit.
Recently, my old buddy Alan Doane contacted me and a bunch of other alumni of his site Comic Book Galaxy. He asked us if we wanted to get something going. And so, we have the new group blog Trouble with Comics. I haven't contributed much of anything yet, but that will change soon. In the meantime, I'm preparing to put the defibrillators to my old comics blog, whose name is too cool to let it lay dormant, Superheroes, etc.
I feel good. Frankly, I feel better than I have in a while. I don't want to be melodramatic about this, but at the same time I want to be honest, no matter how much cheese that honesty produces. The fact is I feel like I left my path, and now I've found it again. My chest feels warm. I feel strong. I feel ready for all the things I've been hiding from.
Unfortunately, I just don't see room for List SMASH! Writing for a group blog, writing for my own blog, writing fiction on the side, AND semi-daily lists? Can't do it. I just can't.
But I'm not completely done with the Smash. The blog currently has 175 lists. I figure I have the time for 25 more to make it a nice round number like 200. And I'm going to try to take some extra care with them. None of those lists where I just want to update the site so I crap out something easy like "Top 10 Favorite Numbers". Once I'm done, the blog will remain. It won't be updated, but I'm not going to delete it or anything either.
I want to thank everyone who's visited the site and who's nudged me to keep updating when I've lagged behind. It always felt good to know this was something people genuinely enjoyed.
But, you know, it isn't like any of you pay me for it or anything. So don't even bitch. I'm bigger than all of you anyway.
Top 10 Thoughts Regarding the Passing of Patrick Swayze
10. I care more about your passing than I thought I would, Mr. Swayze. I guess you always seemed like the kind of person I shouldn't like - a handsome actor playing all-American heroes in action flicks. But it's tough to ignore the fact that you were an important part of the pop culture landscape for the better part of my childhood and even early adulthood. The Outsiders, Red Dawn, Road House, Point Break, even Donnie Darko.
9. I wonder how many people remember Ghost being the Titanic of its day. Instead of Celine Dion, it revived the oldie "Unchained Melody" and had it playing on every teenage girl's walkman. And I'm willing to bet it brought some more interest to the art of pottery, too.
8. If you had killed Neo in Point Break, it could've spared us all a lot of bullshit later. Not your fault. I know. 'M just sayin'.
7. Oh man, I just realized. There are probably gonna be so many tribute videos, jpegs, etc., made of the part at the end of Ghost when he goes to Heaven. Which, I guess, is fine. And fitting. I didn't begrudge anyone when they made all those Superman-flying-to-Heaven cartoons after Reeves died.
6. I don't know much about Swayze's personal life. Next to nothing really. So the only negative thing I can say about him is that he helped, and indirectly continues to help, survivalist assholes justify their paranoid dogshit.
But, he was a young actor trying to make a name. And it isn't like gun-nuts need that much help coming up with reasons to be nutty about guns.
5. Actually, you know, he would've made a damn good Captain America when he was younger.
4. How many people remember when Dirty Dancing was considered controversial? Seriously. Can you believe that?
3. Seriously...looking at a cast photo of The Outsiders...dude...if you and Dillon had just knifed EVERYBODY in that picture do you realize the brighter world this place would be?!?!?! No Karate Kid II or Karate Kid III, no Minority Report or Jerry Maguire, no Men at Work or Young Guns, no Tommy Bo--well, okay, to be fair I guess those assholes from SNL could've found someone else to play villains in their shitty movies...
2. He let a goofy fat guy into his bouncer super team in Road House.
As a representative of goofy fat guys everywhere, thanks.
1. Thanks for acting and being a part of my life, Mr. Swayze. Have fun on the other side of the clouds.
(And if you see that guy whose throat you ripped out, apologize dude. Seriously. Apologize.)
9. I wonder how many people remember Ghost being the Titanic of its day. Instead of Celine Dion, it revived the oldie "Unchained Melody" and had it playing on every teenage girl's walkman. And I'm willing to bet it brought some more interest to the art of pottery, too.
8. If you had killed Neo in Point Break, it could've spared us all a lot of bullshit later. Not your fault. I know. 'M just sayin'.
7. Oh man, I just realized. There are probably gonna be so many tribute videos, jpegs, etc., made of the part at the end of Ghost when he goes to Heaven. Which, I guess, is fine. And fitting. I didn't begrudge anyone when they made all those Superman-flying-to-Heaven cartoons after Reeves died.
6. I don't know much about Swayze's personal life. Next to nothing really. So the only negative thing I can say about him is that he helped, and indirectly continues to help, survivalist assholes justify their paranoid dogshit.
But, he was a young actor trying to make a name. And it isn't like gun-nuts need that much help coming up with reasons to be nutty about guns.
5. Actually, you know, he would've made a damn good Captain America when he was younger.
4. How many people remember when Dirty Dancing was considered controversial? Seriously. Can you believe that?
3. Seriously...looking at a cast photo of The Outsiders...dude...if you and Dillon had just knifed EVERYBODY in that picture do you realize the brighter world this place would be?!?!?! No Karate Kid II or Karate Kid III, no Minority Report or Jerry Maguire, no Men at Work or Young Guns, no Tommy Bo--well, okay, to be fair I guess those assholes from SNL could've found someone else to play villains in their shitty movies...
2. He let a goofy fat guy into his bouncer super team in Road House.
As a representative of goofy fat guys everywhere, thanks.
1. Thanks for acting and being a part of my life, Mr. Swayze. Have fun on the other side of the clouds.
(And if you see that guy whose throat you ripped out, apologize dude. Seriously. Apologize.)
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