Top 10 Criteria for Mick's Halloween Costume

We're going to try something a little different today. Today's list is going to call for participation from you, the reader, and that participation will help to determine certain future lists.

Halloween is still 3 months away, but I want a good costume this year and that means getting ready early. So I want you guys to help me figure out who I'm going to be. And your guidance will come in the form of this list. Following these 10 guidelines should, I hope, help you to come up with options for Halloween outfits that will be fun, that will stimulate the imagination, and hopefully won't have too much to do with Kevin Smith.

So, here we go.

10. NO.




9. NO.



(maybe next year)


8. It has to be something I like. In other words, if I'm going to dress as up as a character from a film, tv show, comic book, whatever, it has to be one I enjoy. None of you are expected to be mind readers, but I suspect you all should know that suggesting I should dress up as a character from a musical, for example, will be met with certain amount of laughter and middle fingers.

7. It has to be cheap. I want to dress up, but I want to pay my bills. Telling my girlfriend she'll have to sell some of her collectible dolls to help pay rent because I really really REALLY wanted to make a convincing Orko ain't gonna fly.

6. Let's remember I'm fat. So any costumes that call for me with a bare torso, while perhaps comfortable for me, would cause some discomfort in the people around me. Otherwise I'd just be Hulk every year.

5. Nothing with kilts. I only say this because I have a kilt, people know I have a kilt, people have seen me in the kilt, and so everyone expects me to dress up in the kilt. I'm not going to. So shut up.

4. Little or no make-up. I sweat like a Republican in an ethics inquiry. So most make-up will not be staying on my face/body for long.

3. Nothing too bulky. Again, see #4.

2. Just to reiterare...NO.



1. No naughty nurse outfits. I'm not against being a nurse, but I wouldn't be naughty.

Top 10 Reasons I'm Thankful For Our Independence

10. Without our rebellion against Britain, we wouldn't have The Patriot, and thus would have one less Mel Gibson film about how the human spirit can conquer any obstacle as long as you're covered head-to-toe in blood (and not Jewish, unless you're Peter Pan. I mean Jesus).

9. If we were British, we would occasionally be under terrorist siege from a foreign power we've bullied

9. If we were British we wouldn't have freed the sla

9. Without independence, we wouldn't have had the Civil War. Without the Civil War, we wouldn't have as many reasons to feel superior to the South. With less reasons to feel superior to the South, I might feel bad about wanting to push this face into a wall -



8. Traffic Circles.

7. Marmite.

6. If we were still part of Britain, they never would've bothered to make an American version of The Office.

5. Superheroes. There would be no Captain America. Spider-Man wouldn't have any skyscrapers to swing from, so he'd just have to hop a lot. And Bruce Banner would turn into a giant, green beast that was just...occasionally rude.

4. We would sometimes be ruled by dictators and religious fanatics

4. ONLY English Punk. No Misifts, Ramones, Bad Brains, Black Flag, Dead Kennedys...they might let us keep Green Day.

3. We would mispronounce so many words. Like "aluminum" and "controversy" and "bread."

2. It's always weird to hear English people sing with what sounds like American accents. On the other hand you don't hear Americans singing with English accents (again, Green Day may be an exception). I think that's a pretty clear sign that we made the right choice.

1. Without the Declaration of Independence, the first National Treasure film would just seem stupid.

1. World War II. Without the existence of the USA, there wouldn't have been a large world power that decided to not jump into a European war right away. Without that delay, when trying to blame someone for the bombing of Britain, the English might have to admit that declaring a war on someone and then not doing anything for an entire year is pretty fucking stupid. This might force them to look into their own misshapen-tooth-filled mirrors when seeking someone to blame for their own fuck-ups, rather than saying "You yanks took yer time now dintcha?" Or, conversely, at this late hour, they might consider blaming the Germans.

My Top 10 Predictions for 2009

10. Before the end of the year, the new president will say something that will make white people indignant. It will be the same kind of thing that, if said by white people about someone else, would "just be a bit of fun and why do you folks take yourselves so seriously?"

9. Stephen King will release at least one novel, and at least one of the novels released will feature a main character who happens to be a professional writer. From Maine.

8. Hulk will smash everybody. Again.

7. The ratings for The Daily Show and The Colbert Report will plummet.

6. Less people will believe in the Tooth Fairy. I mean Jesus.

5. The ratings for The O'Reilly Factor will soar.

4. Someone will give Dennis Miller another shot at his own talk show. There will be less than six episodes.

3. One of the new popular hand-held gizmos (iphone, kindle, etc.) will fail en masse. The death of the hand-held gizmo will be heralded by all. All will be wrong.

2. A Universal Health Care bill will be introduced in Congress. It will narrowly fail.

1. Glen Danzig will find this blog and respond to one of the posts angrily. I may need a lawyer.

Top 10 Things I Want To Do In 2009

10. Not smoke.

9. Lose Weight.

8. Get a new computer.

7. Get a car.

6. Get a new job.

5. Pay off my debt.

4. Drink more alcohol on a regular basis.

3. Read more books than, like, all of you.

2. Move in with my girlfriend.

1. Write a novel.

P.S. Oh yeah, and update the blog more regularly. Heh.

Top 10 Best Christmas Songs

10. "Oh Holy Night" by Cartman

9. "Santa Has A Mullet" by Nerf Herder

8. "A Gun For Christmas" by The Vandals

7. "Hooray For Santa Claus" by Sloppy Seconds

6. "Homo Christmas" by Pansy Division

5. "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight)" by The Ramones

4. "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)" by New Bomb Turks

3. "Oi To The World" by The Vandals

2. "Fuck Christmas" by Eric Idle

1. "Bitches Ain't Shit" by Ben Folds

Top 10 Things I Love About Christmas

10. Time off from work or, alternatively, holiday pay.

9. Cartman's version of "Oh Holy Night".

8. I regard my celebration of Christmas much in the same way I regard being an uncle. I'm not a Christian, but I still celebrate Christmas and so don't worry about whether or not I'm paying attention to what Christmas is really all about. It's just like being an uncle. All of the fun. None of the responsibility.

7. Chucking snowballs at Carolers. If they can't sing under duress, fuck 'em. They shouldn't be in the field.

6. The fact that my psycho ex-girlfriend is now my psycho ex-girlfriend, and so I no longer have to take 5 planes and 6 buses and 3 car rides every other Christmas to whatever middle-of-fucking-nowhere place her family is gathering to show how much they don't like being around each other.

5. I don't watch TV, and so don't have to deal with It's a Wonderful Life! Fuck you, movie house.

4. Waiting on the roof with a shotgun. I'll get that bastard one of these years.

3. Occasionally really hitting one out of the park gift-giving wise. Like, my Dad is really tough to buy gifts for. He's a perfect example of the kind of person I mentioned in yesterday's list. I always used to ask him what he wanted, he always told me I didn't have to get him anything, I always got him something anyway, and while he tried to hide it I could tell he was always disappointed. One year, though, I tried extra hard to find something he'd like. No more cologne or ties or anything like that. I got him Todd McFarlane-designed action figures of The Beatles. They were modeled after the animated Beatles from that Yellow Submarine cartoon, and I could tell he really dug them. That was a first, and unfortunately, so far, a last.

2. Now that I have two beautiful nephews, I get to enjoy watching them go nuts over Christmas in a way I just can't anymore.

1. Free shit.

Top 10 Things I Hate About Christmas

10. The fact that everything that happens around Christmas has to be about Christmas. All the fucking music is Christmas music. All the parties are Christmas parties. All the food is Christmas-y food. A blizzard hits town that blacks out a large part of the region, closes businesses, and maybe even causes a few deaths, "Well gee, it's gettin' to look a lot like CHRISS-MUSS! Yuk yuk!" Even the porn is Christmas-themed. It's lame.

9. The fact that it's in winter. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a winter-hater. There are good sides and bad sides to it. But why couldn't we change our schedule so that the time of year that everyone is driving around madly to buy gifts for family and friends, get food for Christmas dinners and Christmas parties, and all around just do Christmas-y stuff, is NOT the one time of year that you should keep your fucking car in the fucking driveway?

8. Shopping malls. These places suck when you aren't getting shoved around by maddened parents trying to find the hot toy item that's sold out everywhere. Being in a very lack-of-fundage place this year, I have opted to try more alternative Christmas gifts of the I-Made-This variety, and thankfully for the first time in many years I have completely avoided both of the humungo-shopping-malls in my area. I plan to keep it that way until we're all done with celebrating the birth of a fictional hippie by maxing out credit cards on wii's and blue ray discs.

7. The fact that I'm the smartest person in the world when it comes to gift-giving and no one appreciates it. Mind you, I'm not talking about ME giving gifts, I'm talking about people giving gifts TO me. I used to send out mass e-mails every year telling people, "If you are going to get me something, get me THIS." I did this because whenever I ask anyone what they want for Christmas, they always respond with, "Oh, you don't have to get me anything!" No. I don't. But I'm going to. You know I'm going to. So just cut the shit, and fucking tell me what the fuck you fucking want. You will save me a lot of trouble and time and money. So, I used to try to tell people exactly what I wanted to help them out, and this was considered as brazen and selfish. So now I have to be a coy bastard like everyone else. It's annoying.

6. That Beatles song. Not the "feel guilty about starving Africans while you're sucking on candy canes" song, but the "REAL-LEE. HAV-ING. A wonderful Christmas time!" song. "Really having a wonderful Christmas time?" Wow, there's that vaunted Beatles poetry for ya. I prefered "This Thanksgiving Was Okay," and "No, I Had Fun On Halloween, I Swear. Really", but it's definitely better than "Easter Was Kinda Cool, But I Had The Shits".

5. Salvation Army folks in front of stores. Not that they aren't doing good work, they are. But I just can't afford to give anything and it makes me feel bad.

4. Kids following me around trying to give me their Christmas lists. What the fuck? I fucking broadcast my PO Box all over the place. But nnnooooo... they want to deliver it in person and get a kiss on the cheek and make me eat their shitty little cookies.

3. No feats of strength at most parties.

2. Disturbing Christmas movies that try to come off as not being disturbing. Like that movie where the kid's dead father comes back to life as a snowman. Or those Tim Allen movies where Allen gives up his family to be Santa Claus. I mean, I did it for a few years because they paid me under the table and let me smoke in the workshop. But if I'd had a kid that would've been totally irresponsible.

1. The theme in Christmas movies, like one of the ones mentioned in #2, that it's BAD to let your kids think there's no Santa Claus. Seems to me we have enough things in our culture telling us it's bad to not believe in things we know aren't true. Just keep on chanting "Mission Accomplished" and tell yourself the economy's fine. See how far that gets you, dickwad.

My Top 10 Reactions So Far To The Halloween Costume Poll

10. Wow. Twenty-two votes so far. You guys rock.

9. No love for Olaf the Troll? Racists.

8. Two people voted for Tom Bombadil?!?! Who the hell are you and why do you hate me?

7. I'm considering just closing the poll. I can't imagine there will be many more votes in 41 days.

6. Who the hell voted for Thor and why do you hate me? Do you have any idea how much Thor and Hulk hate each other? I'd have to beat myself! And not even in a nice way!

5. Thank you, someone, for voting for Maestro. Just glad to see someone here's read Future Imperfect. Well, either that or they just thought it would be funny to see me in green body paint. And it would be. But also sexy. Nah. Nah, mostly just funny.

4.

3. #4 was a response to the people who voted for Silent Bob.

2. Prince Vultan was an early favorite. Thankfully he got nudged out of the way faster than Fred Thompson.

1. Thank fucking GOD Sallah is winning. Now I gotta go find a fez.

Top 10 Halloween Costume Choices For Uncle Ick

(NOTE: If the pics don't show up for you, try another browser. I don't understand what's going on. It's weird. I posted the blog on firefox, and they show up for me on firefox, but for some people it only shows up on Explorer. No idea wtf is going on)

Well, a good friend has already sent out invitations to her Halloween party, so it's time to figure out what to go as.

MAKE SURE TO VOTE IN THE POLL IN THE SIDEBAR! I WILL BE CHOOSING WHATEVER COSTUME GETS THE MOST VOTES! I've extended the poll so that it lasts until two weeks before Halloween, which I figure will give me enough time to get whatever costume together.

AT LEAST TEN PEOPLE HAVE TO VOTE IN THE POLL! Otherwise, I'm choosing my own. I'm not gonna go as Nacho Libre if, like, 4 people vote and 2 of them choose him. That's just silly.


10. SILENT BOB from various Kevin Smith movies


Pros: Easy costume requirements.

Cons: Already did it a few years ago, I'm trying to quit smoking, and I can't shut up for that long. Also, I hate Kevin Smith. He stole my look.

9. NACHO LIBRE from Nacho Libre


Pros: He wears a mask, so I won't have to shave my beard.

Cons: I'd have to wear a mask.

8. TOM BOMBADIL from The Lord of the Rings


Pros: No one who isn't a Lord of the Rings geek knows who the hell he is, so I know no on else will come as him. When I get drunk and start dancing around and singing to trees and inanimate objects, I'll have an excuse.

Cons: No one who isn't a Lord of the Rings geek knows who the hell he is.

7. OLAF THE TROLL from Buffy the Vampire Slayer



Pros: The only Buffy character I could ever pull off. And I get to carry a cool hammer around.

Cons: No one who doesn't have the same intimate Buffy familiarity as myself will know who he is, and just think I'm a geek. Which I am, but still. At a Buffy-themed costume party this might be the way to go, but just in a general costume thingee, I don't think so.

6. THOR from The Mighty Thor


PROS: One of the only classic super-heroes I could pull off.

CONS: He's Thor.

5. THE MAESTRO from The Incredible Hulk: Future Imperfect


PROS: The Maestro is a futuristic version of the Incredible Hulk who goes insane and takes over the world. So it's kind of a cool way of being the Hulk for Halloween without actually being the Hulk. I could incorporate my beard into the costume.

CONS: Again, we run into the fact that only a specific group of people will have any idea who the hell he is.

4. PRINCE VULTAN from Flash Gordon



PROS: It'd be funny as hell.

CONS: Those wings would be a pain to reproduce. Either I'd have to go wingless, they'd be too small, or they'd be the right size and I would both have difficulty getting through doorways and constantly be apologizing for unintentionally smacking people with them.

3. HAMISH from Braveheart



PROS: I already have a kilt. So gathering the rest of the costume would be easy. Just need a lot of ratty clothes, maybe some blue face paint, and maybe blonde hair dye. Also, if anyone showed up as Mel Gibson or any Mel Gibson character, I would get to beat them up a lot.

CONS: Might be confused for just a random, generic Scottish guy.

2. SAMURAI CHEF from Saturday Night Live



PROS: Again, minimal costume requirements. And nothing about John Belushi isn't cool.

CONS: I'd have to speak fake-Japanese all night and try to hack loaves of bread to pieces.

1. SALLAH from the Indiana Jones flicks (the good ones)



PROS: Yet again, not a lot of effort would need to go into the costume. And I'd get to say cool stuff all night like "INDY! THEY'RE DIGGING IN THE WRONG PLACE!" and "Asps. Very dangerous. You go first." and "Bad dates." And in a party atmosphere I could adapt these lines for comedic value, like, "INDY! THEY'RE DRINKING PIELS IN THE WRONG PLACE!" (not that there's ever a right time or place to drink Piels) or "Deviled Eggs. Very Dangerous. You go first." or "Bad Candy Corn."

CONS: Would be bugged all night to repeat stupid lines from Raiders. Also, if anyone showed up dressed as Indy, I'd have to carry all their shit.


P.S. I realize that with both a John Rhys-Davies character and a Lord of the Rings character on this list, folks might be saying, "Hello?!?! Where's Gimli?" I'm not dressing as Gimli. No fucking way. Trying to be that short would take effort. If I wanted to be on my knees that much, I'd quit the radio station and go the Midnight Cowboy route. Probably make more money too.