Top 10 Reasons I'm Thankful For Our Independence

10. Without our rebellion against Britain, we wouldn't have The Patriot, and thus would have one less Mel Gibson film about how the human spirit can conquer any obstacle as long as you're covered head-to-toe in blood (and not Jewish, unless you're Peter Pan. I mean Jesus).

9. If we were British, we would occasionally be under terrorist siege from a foreign power we've bullied

9. If we were British we wouldn't have freed the sla

9. Without independence, we wouldn't have had the Civil War. Without the Civil War, we wouldn't have as many reasons to feel superior to the South. With less reasons to feel superior to the South, I might feel bad about wanting to push this face into a wall -



8. Traffic Circles.

7. Marmite.

6. If we were still part of Britain, they never would've bothered to make an American version of The Office.

5. Superheroes. There would be no Captain America. Spider-Man wouldn't have any skyscrapers to swing from, so he'd just have to hop a lot. And Bruce Banner would turn into a giant, green beast that was just...occasionally rude.

4. We would sometimes be ruled by dictators and religious fanatics

4. ONLY English Punk. No Misifts, Ramones, Bad Brains, Black Flag, Dead Kennedys...they might let us keep Green Day.

3. We would mispronounce so many words. Like "aluminum" and "controversy" and "bread."

2. It's always weird to hear English people sing with what sounds like American accents. On the other hand you don't hear Americans singing with English accents (again, Green Day may be an exception). I think that's a pretty clear sign that we made the right choice.

1. Without the Declaration of Independence, the first National Treasure film would just seem stupid.

1. World War II. Without the existence of the USA, there wouldn't have been a large world power that decided to not jump into a European war right away. Without that delay, when trying to blame someone for the bombing of Britain, the English might have to admit that declaring a war on someone and then not doing anything for an entire year is pretty fucking stupid. This might force them to look into their own misshapen-tooth-filled mirrors when seeking someone to blame for their own fuck-ups, rather than saying "You yanks took yer time now dintcha?" Or, conversely, at this late hour, they might consider blaming the Germans.