Top 10 Things to Consider When Deciding Whether or Not to Play World of Warcraft

Someone is beckoning a friend of mine towards the mystical world of Azeroth. She still hasn't decided whether or not to take the plunge. I thought I would help.

10. To date, there have been two expansions to the game. Also, like other online games, when you play World of Warcraft you will occasionally need to download patches. World of Warcraft has been around for close to 5 years. So, if you decide to play, you will be installing World of Warcraft, then World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade, then World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King, and finally 5 years worth of patches. The entire process is likely to take around 8 hours. And no, I'm not kidding or exaggerating.

9. Read this, and realize that if you join a WoW guild, you will learn that when I wrote that list, I wasn't joking that much.

8. Dwarves are better than Elves. It's not an opinion. I proved it.



7. You will have to learn a new language. You will need to find a friend or two to translate or you'll be completely fucking lost. And if you don't believe me, then once you ding 40, head to SM Lib but make sure you manage your aoe so your dps isn't so high it aggros over the tank and causes a wipe.

6. If you plan on playing a female character, ask yourself how many private messages you want from players wanting to do things to you only legal in Thailand. If you're not okay with that, play a male character. Or, go ahead and play a female. Just make it either a dwarf or a gnome.

5. People will tell you that playing a Hunter is for newbs, that it takes no skill at all, that hunters are overpowered, and that it's the absolute easiest thing in the game to do.

They're right. Don't be stupid. Play a Hunter. (Here's mine)

4. Eventually, your guildmates will want you to get a program called Ventrilo that facilitates voice chat. It's best to lie and say it won't work on your computer. I guarantee you most of the people in your guild are annoying.

3. Eventually friends are going to want to take you into dungeons. If you want to figure out whether or not you have enough time to do it, ask the person who invited you how long it will take. Multiply their answer by 2. Then add an hour.

2. If you choose to play WoW, you will eventually experience a very important moment.

In WoW, you can adjust your camera view by clicking and holding the left mouse button anywhere on the screen, and then rotating your view by moving the mouse while still holding the button.

One day, you will go looking for videos people made of WoW and posted on YouTube. Maybe someone will tell you about a funny one. Maybe your guild leader will tell you to go check out the video of a boss fight to help you learn your role in the encounter. Or maybe you'll just be curious about one of those dumb ass videos people make of their WoW characters dancing to "Numa Numa."

At some point, you will start clicking on the YouTube screen in an attempt to rotate the camera view, just like in the game. It will take you a couple of seconds to realize that you actually THINK YOU'RE PLAYING THE GAME, even though you're not.

This will bother you. It will be a very blue pill/red pill moment.

You're probably gonna take the red pill. Just so you know.

1. My ex-girlfriend had a rule about WoW. While she would later use it in a sadistic and manipulative manner, it's still a good rule. If you do choose to play WoW, keep it in the back of your head in case you begin to lose yourself in the virtual world of Azeroth.

The rule: "The first time you refuse sex for WoW, it's OVER."

Top 10 Worst Ways To STOP Obsessing Over The Online Game You Can't Play Yet

10. Constantly searching for youtube videos of the new intro quest line with the sweet new class and all the sweet new pets like the big rhino and the t-rexes and the glowy cat.

9. Spending two days writing roleplay backstories for every playable race in the game, both genders, only ONE of which you will use IF you even get to play the game anytime in the near future.

8. Copying and pasting the of the history of the game world into a word document and printing it out to read for no particular reason.

7. Glen Danzig.

6. Constantly posting on your former guild's forum MORE THAN ANY SINGLE OTHER MEMBER WHO IS ACTUALLY PRESENTLY PLAYING THE FUCKING GAME.

5. Making daily trips to the wiki dedicated to the game in question to read all about the neat things you can't see yet.

4. Being me.

3. Covering the night shift for a week so you pretty much have nothing to do but surf the web and find out about more cool stuff you can't do.

2. Blasting Haddaway's "What Is Love" during your night shift. It helps for about 4 minutes, but then you're back to the reality where you're obsessed with playing a game you can't play yet.

1. Porn.

Top 10 Things I'm Going To Miss About World of Warcraft

10. Turning monsters and other bad guys into sheep. It's especially cool when you turn some big dinosaur thing into a sheep. Or a really hot chick and then...I sense I've gone too far.

9. Driving my friends insane by singing The Badger Song over vent (program to talk to your fellow wowheads).

8. All the females in Thousand Wardens and Hallowed Moonlight totally want me.

7. Draenei chicks. They're busty and they've got hooves. Get 'em home, have some fun, and then afterwards - HEY! Free glue!

6. Instant cure for boredom.

5. Now, when people ask me if I use the Internet for anything other than porn, I might have some difficulty answering.

4. Dwarves. They're just fucken cooler.

3. Every now and then, on vent, someone else would forget their microphone was on and I could listen to them making embarrassing sounds. More importantly, if it was a chick, I could listen to her type. And well...heh...read #9.

2. Killing Blood Elves.

1. All of my friends. You guys helped me through some rough times, and you're the only reason I played as long as I did. I miss you already.

Top 10 Battle Cries I Would Use If I Were An Evil Raid Boss In World of Warcraft

10. I AM THE MAMBO KING!

9. EAT THIS!

8. Simple. Subtle. Powerful.

7. I HOPE YOU LEFT ENOUGH ROOM FOR MY FIST, 'CAUSE I'M GONNA RAM IT INTO YER STOMACH AND BREAK YOUR GODDAMN SPINE! NYAHHH!

6. HOLD UP! First, I need a piss.

5. Alright, take your clothes off and let's get this over with.

4. I FUCK YOU!

3. I'm not your monkey! I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING MONKEY!

2. THUNDERCATS! HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. MICK SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Top 10 Places That Should Be Turned Into Instanced Dungeons In World of Warcraft So Me and My Buddies Can Raid Them

10. White House

9. My apartment - you get extra loot if you take out all my ants.

8. My job - you get extra loot if you take out a particular, snotty little knowitall intern

7. The Bat-Cave

6. Caverns of Time: MC Hammer's Crib

5. Caverns of Time: Hiroshima - shouldn't be too challenging.

4. Scarlet Monastery: The Daycare Wing

3. Bill O'Reilly's Studio

2. Suburban Mall

1. Ronald Reagan's Colon

Top 10 Reasons Why I Play World of Warcraft

10. I started out playing it because my brother got into it, and with both of us busy at work and school, it was the only thing we could really do together. Of course now we both play on different servers and at different times.

9. The very concept of the MMORPG fascinates me. I remember playing a Spider-Man game on my old Sega Genesis – I think it was called “Maximum Carnage,” you switched between playing Spider-Man and playing Venom – and thinking “Wow, wouldn’t it be cool if you could play a super-hero in a video game in some kind of video game city, and there were tons of other people in the city playing super-heroes and you could help each other out,” etc. I’m not saying “Hey! That was my idea!” It was just something I think a lot of people who grew up with video games knew had to eventually happen. And now that it has, I’d feel cheated if I didn’t get to try it out just a little bit.

8. There’s nothing like telling a woman you play World of Warcraft. Sometimes I have to call security to pry them off me. If I show them my purple epics, forget about it.

7. There are so many fun miscommunications to be enjoyed. For example, in one area of the game there is a town called “Halaa” which players fight over. I was speaking with my guildmates over vent one day (vent is short for “Ventrillo” - a program that lets you talk to people with a mic and headset), and someone asked me where I was. I answered “Halaa.” My ex-girlfriend, at that time not yet an ex, was sitting behind me at her desk, and instead of hearing me say “Halaa” was concerned about my yelling “HOLLA’!” thinking I was going to a hip hop concert without her.

6. My friends on WoW rule. Except for Wenu. He’s a dick.

5. I can totally kill people and not get in trouble. Some of them I can even skin.

4. I used to play Dungeons & Dragons, and now I own a computer. It’s kind of a law. If I didn’t play it by last year, I would’ve had to pay more taxes or something.

3. I has a dragon.



2. I can be a stalwart, hardy dwarf without actually being short. Beat that!

1. It’s really, really addictive.

Top 10 Reasons Why Dwarves Are Better Than Elves

10. "Hey! Let's get completely hammered and toss gnomes into the forge!" VS. "Hey! Let's go to the juice bar and look at trees!" Which party are you going to?

9. Elf Chicks - Hottest ladies in the fucking universe, but their knees are locked so tightly you have to slip them a date-rape drug just to ask them out to a movie. And they'll still probably say no.

Dwarf Chicks - Perfect height and there's enough alcohol around so you can ignore the fact that they're dwarves.

8.Elves have nifty bows and arrows. Dwarves have artillery.

7. Assholes who sleep outside are vulnerable to the elements. Caves are the same temperature all-year round.

6. All of the gold and treasure is buried deep in mountains. That's undisputed fact. Who lives deep in mountains? Not fucking Legolas.

5. Some dwarf women may have beards, but at least they shave their armpits.

4. You know why the Mormons live in Utah? Because there was a time when they were even less popular than they are now, so much so that the military was sent after them, and it's tough as hell for any army to mount an assault on a mountain. When Cthulu shows up to eat everyone, the refugees aren't going to Rivendell or the Keeblers' tree or Santa's Workshop. They'll be knocking on the front door of Fort Big-Fucking-Mountain.

3. All the great men of history had facial hair. Jesus. Abe Lincoln. John Rhys-Davies. All of them.

2. You think Snow White would've put up with seven of them if they didn't know what they were doing? Face facts. Dwarves fuck like body doubles. No substitute.

1. Orlando Bloom will never play a dwarf.

Top 10 Worst Things To Type During An MMORPG Guild Meeting

10. Welcome to the first meeting of "We Voted For Ron Paul."

9. So, the first thing we need to do is convince the rest of the white race that our purity depends on separating ourselves from - WHOOPS! Wrong Meeting! LOL!

8. No, we don't ALL wear horse saddles for erotic stimulation, but that IS how most of us met.

7. Starting next week, you are all required to deliver 5-minute presentations to the group at every meeting regarding how you feel about Jesus.

6. I understand that one of our members found a website about my RL situation, and let me just say that there are SO many ways to interpret the term "sex offender."

5. So, yeah, for those of you who weren't here at the last meeting, we're kind of going in a different direction with our guild. I'll explain fully in a bit, but for now just so you all know, you're all going to have to pay for character name changes so that we're all named with some variation of "Charlie." I already called "Chuck." Oh, and it can't actually be Charlie. No, no, when you hear why, it will all make sense.

4. I hungrily run my hands over the delicious swell of your young, firm - SORRY! Mistell!

3. According to the minutes, last week's 3-hour meeting was mostly monopolized by random geek pop culture references. I'd like this week's meeting to be a little more organized. Particularly, I'd like to focus on Monty Python, Spider-Man and funny Sean Connery quotes. We might want to get on voice chat for that last one, you lose a lot when you just type it. It's like...it's like...heh...IT'S JUST LIKE A WOP! BRINGIN' A KNIFE TO A GUNFIGHT! HA!

2. Yeah, so, since my Mom's in the guild now, we have to watch what we say in the OOC. Yeah, and she just got back from the hospital so, you know, no more in-character drinking parties. Too much temptation for her. Try not to mention fire. And dudes, if I catch any of you guys try to cyber with her, it's an automatic gkick. For srs. Goes for the ladies, too.

1. a/s/l?

Top 10 Reasons Why You Should Have Sex With Me

10. I cuddle.

9. I assure you I have no STDs. However, as a potential partner you may be understandably concerned with such a risk. Consider that the only way to have sex with me without contracting an STD is to, first, have sex with me. Which means if you don't have sex with me, you'll contract an STD. Think about it.

8. I am currently reading She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner, Ph.D. And I graduated with an English degree. With Honors. I know how to read between the lines. I know my lit theory.

7. It would help me quit smoking.

6. I never fake orgasms.

5. I keep a very complimentary form letter which, upon request, can be forwarded to future sexual partners, potential employers, money lenders, or university admissions offices as a glowing recommendation.

4. My wang is wonderful and promotes joy.

3. Most people, upon meeting me, wish that I were asleep. Guess what helps me sleep?

2. If you don't, then the terrorists win.

1. If you want to have sex and I happen to be playing World of Warcraft, I will totally bail on my guildies. Like, immediately. Even if it's a raid. Even if it's Heroic Botanica and it's the daily quest. I mean, that's 7 badges of justice, so it'd be cool if you'd wait, but I'd totally do it. RL cums first.